FIC: Fading (1/1)
Title: Fading.
Fandom: Real People / 30 Seconds To Mars.
Characters: Jared Leto.
Pairing: desired Jared/Shannon
Prompt: Table 2; # 29 - Truth. (100_situations)
Word Count: 2,634.
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: cursing, hint of incest, angst I suppose?
Summary: "I am locked in my head, with what I've done. I know you're trying to rescue me..."
Author's Notes: This came to me swiftly and out of the blue this afternoon while I was killing time before I had to get ready for work. There are times when his muse just comes to me and taps me on the shoulder like 'I have a story I want you to tell' and then the words just flow. This is one of those times. Of course, I had to stop right in the middle so I'm not totally happy with it, but, meh. Also, I would highly recommend listening to/downloading "And All That Could Have Been" by Nine Inch Nails (all lyrics referenced are from this song) to go along with this fic. I was a page or so into it when a lyric popped in my head and I realized the song could not have been more perfect for the tone. If nothing else, take a gander at the lyrics if you need a clearer picture of where Jared's head is at.
Please, take this
And run far away, far away from me
I am tainted
The two of us were never meant to be...
In my nothing, you meant everything, everything to me
Everything had a reason. A method to the madness, as Shakespeare would say. And madness was certainly what most thought applied to him. He supposed he couldn't blame them. A different brand of logic existed for him, existed in his little world. It worked for him -- and them, most of the time -- and that was all that mattered. The people who cared could figure it out, or simply accept it as how he was. Anyone else wasn't important.
Except that they were.
In quiet little moments when insecurity crept up all those doubting voices seemed to swirl around him. It wasn't even that they taunted him, but that they wouldn't go away, only getting louder and louder until they were all he could hear.
Shannon didn't know. It hurt, but to him it was the way it had to be. As it was, he sometimes was privately concerned for his brother. They weren't incredibly young, the two of them, and most their age were or had settled down. Not that settling down was in the Leto handbook, but he did worry sometimes. Worry that his brother focused too much on him and neglected himself, let things pass him by that he wanted, or maybe didn't even know he wanted because he was busy tending to some whim of his younger brother's.
Jared was the sun in his own created world; he knew that, as much as he ignored it or played it off sometimes. But all stars faded out in time. When that happened, he didn't want his brother to be sucked into whatever black hole his life would then become. At least now he could break away, if he wanted to. Jared would let him. He loved his brother too much. More than anyone knew, in fact. To the outside world, that other world, he might have appeared a selfish, control freak of a man, but he could never forgive himself if he knew he negatively affected his brother's happiness.
He sought shelter in others until he couldn't hide anymore. Distancing himself was all he knew how to do, physically and emotionally. In the process, though, he ended up breaking from who he was, who he had become up until that point, and he didn't know if it was even possible to find his way back.
The insecurity was worse than it had ever been. It was like a constant devil was sitting on his shoulder, picking him apart -- no, tearing him apart. There were times where he understood how people could hate themselves. For the first time in a long time he knew fear, the real kind, the kind that made him never want to sleep because he didn't want to fall into a nightmare. So he did the only thing he could do; throw himself into the one thing that never failed to bring him happiness.
"You're wasting away to nothing, do you fucking realize that?"
The bus was cold against his back, through his shirt that was damp with the sweat that still clung to his body. It was all that clung to him anymore. Hair fell in his face from being shoved up against the side of the bus but he didn't raise a hand, just staring at his brother through it with passive eyes. He could see his face was twisted with emotion, too many to simply pick out one. When he didn't speak he was shaken, hard, and he felt his throat start to become tight.
"You need to stop this shit, J. I know, I know, you have your own way of doing shit and going about things, but this needs to stop. It's not fucking healthy, what you're doing to yourself."
Caring and concern were in there somewhere, probably right at the top of the pile, what gave his brother's voice that tone he hadn't heard in some time. Through the filter of insecurity though, all he heard was disapproval, disappointment. Both cut like blades clear through him.
His eyes drifted away, thoughts trying to wander, to take him to another place. The tirade would end when his brother tired of it, realized he wasn't getting through, and gave up, perhaps for good. Maybe he would deem him a lost cause, that he wasn't worth the effort that he had expended for years. Jared didn't need the stranglehold of insecurity to draw tears to his eyes for they came on their own, uninvited.
He could feel the night like a physical presence, closing in around him. Voices in the distance had faded, even his brother's voice had faded, or maybe he simply wasn't talking anymore. It was like he was in a vacuum. The world was soundless, colorless, and almost lightless. He was utterly alone and there was nothing, not even the devil on his shoulder.
"...are you even paying attention? I'm not fucking talking to listen to the sound of my own damn voice, Jared. Jared!"
A sonic boom, and the immediate world around him returned. He was being shaken, shoulders hitting against the bus as he felt an iron grip on his upper arms. A gasp slipped out, as if he had stopped breathing for the short infinity he retreated into himself and the shaking forced air back in his lungs. His eyes blinked rapidly once, twice, adjusting to a more muted darkness but not feeling the wetness that slid down his face. A firm hand grabbed his face, forcing him to look, more hair falling in his eyes. There was a different expression on Shannon's face now, even as he watched, and the grip loosened, almost hesitating before rough fingertips grazed his cheek and he realized his lip was trembling, captured between his teeth.
He wanted to speak, really he did, but it was as if someone had stolen his voice. He couldn't even think the words, just be aware of the desire to speak, make sounds. Everything was falling apart; that was all he could think. The world was shattering around him and then Shannon would let him go and he would fall, fall forever. The voices were back, swirling like a whirlwind and he half expected to feel his hair being whipped at his face. Instead, his hair was pushed back from his face with a tenderness he hadn't felt in so long he wasn't sure he knew just what it was. Brown eyes were boring into his and they held no accusation or disappointment despite what the voices were trying to convince him. They were filled only with warmth and concern and... fear? No, he could see his reflection in his brother's eyes, and the fear was in his own.
His senses were fading again, this time his chest growing tight like something was wrapped around it. A string being wound tighter and tighter, faster and faster, ready to pull him into the darkness. He reached out as he felt himself start to fall, eyes widening, but he felt only cloth beneath his hands. His voice still wasn't working but his mouth now was, and his dry lips formed his brother's name as a hand finally felt something firm, something real.
Then the blackness swallowed him.
He was drifting, as if his body floated upon the waves of the ocean. The stars were above him, night sky an inky black that held depth. As he focused, he slowly realized the drifting feeling was really the motion of the tour bus beneath him. The sky? His dark hair strewn across his face, light cracking in between the strands and hitting his closed eyelids. He couldn't move, wasn't sure he was ready to, and instead just let his senses slowly become aware.
"...Go the fuck to bed. If I need you, I'll get you. No, do not argue with me, Tome. I'm fine, you sleep."
Muttering followed the sound of the lounge door shutting. Soft shuffling, socks upon carpet, then a click and what little light he sensed went away. Long moments passed before there was the rustling of clothing near and his hair was brushed back from his face, the hand stroking it back into place. "You're going to give me a fucking heart attack one of these days, little brother, I swear."
His brother's normally strong voice was soft, laced with emotion that was all too clear. The same rough fingertips from earlier traced the side of his face, ran along his jaw, and there was a deep intake of breath. "If I didn't know better I'd say you do this shit to me on purpose... except I know you never would. Not something like this. I think you're worried about the same things I am, aren't you? You just know more than I do. You walk around inside your head and take stock of everything but never tell me anything, and then you just expect me to be unphased when I can see clearly that something's wrong. I can't help you if you don't talk to me... goddamn it, let me help you." The hand rested on his chest, a heavy yet comforting weight, but he swore he felt a tremble. When he felt an arm curl and rest lightly against his chest, then the feel of breath against his shirt, warmth penetrating the threads to brush his skin, his closed eyes began to sting.
He could feel lips brushing his shirt now, feel a shudder go through his brother's body as if it were his own. "Why do you have to do everything like this? Why can't you just let me in? Just... I watch you and it's like you're fucking wasting away right before my eyes. You try but you can't fool me, I know you too well, but you still fucking try. I'm not the only one who's worried about you, you know. We all are, but..." A ragged breath ruffled his shirt, the other hand grazing his hair near his shoulder. "Something's changed; I can see it in your eyes. And it fucking scares me, J. You just... you push and push but something has to give eventually. You're not invincible no matter how much you pretend you are, how much I wish you were. One of these days, you're going to push and I'm not going to be able to catch you when you stumble. So you need to cut this shit out because I'm not ready for that. I don't want to ever need to be ready for that.
"God, why do you have to fucking do this to yourself? Tonight when you... I don't even know what the hell happened but I don't want it to ever happen again, do you hear me? I don't want to ever see that look in your eyes again because I can't... I can't..."
The shudder came again, harder, but Jared was already opening his eyes. The lounge was dark but light crept under the bottom of the door, in the windows as other vehicles went by. This darkness wasn't oppressive, it was just there. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he raised a hand to touch his brother's hair, voice quiet but rough from earlier. "It scares me too..."
Shannon jerked, though whether from the touch or his voice he didn't know, eyes snapping open as his head raised slightly from where it lay against Jared's chest. Relief filled eyes that were already filled with tears and they just stared at each other for a few minutes, not saying a word. When his hair was tenderly stroked, fingers sliding down the side of his face, it was his turn to shudder and his eyes closed again.
He could hear, sense movement. The weight and warmth on his chest was immediately missed and one hand reached out as if to stop Shannon from moving. A hand met his and fingers laced together, holding tightly to the other. Breath brushed his face and his breathing hitched as a kiss was pressed to his forehead. Without opening his eyes he tilted his head back, other hand coming up to his brother's and finding it easily. Fingers slid across one cheek and his thumb brushed the scruff on his chin as his hand moved to cup the side of his face, tilting his chin up and lifting his head until he felt their lips brush.
Everything seemed to stop, their movements, their breathing, everything. He was as afraid to go forward as he was to move back. A knot started to form in his stomach when he swore he felt Shannon start to draw back. It was happening. He had finally done something to push his brother away. Then fingers slid through his hair and the same side of his face was cupped, thumb brushing across his lower lip. Before he could kiss it, his brother's soft lips pressed to his and he could breathe again, the knot coming undone.
When he finally reopened his eyes his brother's were right there, the look in them fond, and he leaned into his brother's touch. "I need your help," The words were hard to say, but he felt better the moment they were out of his mouth.
"I know you do. You're too damn stubborn for your own good, little brother."
Jared shifted onto his side, back brushing the back of the couch as he watched Shannon crawl up to join him. "There's not enough room..."
"Hush, I'll make room." The sight of his brother cracking a smile made him do the same, and his heart warmed as Shannon pulled him into his arms, the two of them curling up like they used to sometimes when they were children. Though he was the taller of the two, Jared squirmed around so he could rest his head against Shannon's shoulder, arms curling around his brother's chest. It wasn't long before sleep was tugging at him, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and he muffled his yawn in his brother's shirt.
Fingers curled in his hair, starting to play with it, and he gave Shannon's chest a light swat, though he smiled at the quiet chuckle it earned. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe. More than that, the voices that mocked him for so long were finally silenced, at least for now. It would take awhile to get better, he knew that, but maybe... maybe it wouldn't be so hard with his brother's help.
Fandom: Real People / 30 Seconds To Mars.
Characters: Jared Leto.
Pairing: desired Jared/Shannon
Prompt: Table 2; # 29 - Truth. (100_situations)
Word Count: 2,634.
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: cursing, hint of incest, angst I suppose?
Summary: "I am locked in my head, with what I've done. I know you're trying to rescue me..."
Author's Notes: This came to me swiftly and out of the blue this afternoon while I was killing time before I had to get ready for work. There are times when his muse just comes to me and taps me on the shoulder like 'I have a story I want you to tell' and then the words just flow. This is one of those times. Of course, I had to stop right in the middle so I'm not totally happy with it, but, meh. Also, I would highly recommend listening to/downloading "And All That Could Have Been" by Nine Inch Nails (all lyrics referenced are from this song) to go along with this fic. I was a page or so into it when a lyric popped in my head and I realized the song could not have been more perfect for the tone. If nothing else, take a gander at the lyrics if you need a clearer picture of where Jared's head is at.
Please, take this
And run far away, far away from me
I am tainted
The two of us were never meant to be...
In my nothing, you meant everything, everything to me
Everything had a reason. A method to the madness, as Shakespeare would say. And madness was certainly what most thought applied to him. He supposed he couldn't blame them. A different brand of logic existed for him, existed in his little world. It worked for him -- and them, most of the time -- and that was all that mattered. The people who cared could figure it out, or simply accept it as how he was. Anyone else wasn't important.
Except that they were.
In quiet little moments when insecurity crept up all those doubting voices seemed to swirl around him. It wasn't even that they taunted him, but that they wouldn't go away, only getting louder and louder until they were all he could hear.
Shannon didn't know. It hurt, but to him it was the way it had to be. As it was, he sometimes was privately concerned for his brother. They weren't incredibly young, the two of them, and most their age were or had settled down. Not that settling down was in the Leto handbook, but he did worry sometimes. Worry that his brother focused too much on him and neglected himself, let things pass him by that he wanted, or maybe didn't even know he wanted because he was busy tending to some whim of his younger brother's.
Jared was the sun in his own created world; he knew that, as much as he ignored it or played it off sometimes. But all stars faded out in time. When that happened, he didn't want his brother to be sucked into whatever black hole his life would then become. At least now he could break away, if he wanted to. Jared would let him. He loved his brother too much. More than anyone knew, in fact. To the outside world, that other world, he might have appeared a selfish, control freak of a man, but he could never forgive himself if he knew he negatively affected his brother's happiness.
He sought shelter in others until he couldn't hide anymore. Distancing himself was all he knew how to do, physically and emotionally. In the process, though, he ended up breaking from who he was, who he had become up until that point, and he didn't know if it was even possible to find his way back.
The insecurity was worse than it had ever been. It was like a constant devil was sitting on his shoulder, picking him apart -- no, tearing him apart. There were times where he understood how people could hate themselves. For the first time in a long time he knew fear, the real kind, the kind that made him never want to sleep because he didn't want to fall into a nightmare. So he did the only thing he could do; throw himself into the one thing that never failed to bring him happiness.
"You're wasting away to nothing, do you fucking realize that?"
The bus was cold against his back, through his shirt that was damp with the sweat that still clung to his body. It was all that clung to him anymore. Hair fell in his face from being shoved up against the side of the bus but he didn't raise a hand, just staring at his brother through it with passive eyes. He could see his face was twisted with emotion, too many to simply pick out one. When he didn't speak he was shaken, hard, and he felt his throat start to become tight.
"You need to stop this shit, J. I know, I know, you have your own way of doing shit and going about things, but this needs to stop. It's not fucking healthy, what you're doing to yourself."
Caring and concern were in there somewhere, probably right at the top of the pile, what gave his brother's voice that tone he hadn't heard in some time. Through the filter of insecurity though, all he heard was disapproval, disappointment. Both cut like blades clear through him.
His eyes drifted away, thoughts trying to wander, to take him to another place. The tirade would end when his brother tired of it, realized he wasn't getting through, and gave up, perhaps for good. Maybe he would deem him a lost cause, that he wasn't worth the effort that he had expended for years. Jared didn't need the stranglehold of insecurity to draw tears to his eyes for they came on their own, uninvited.
He could feel the night like a physical presence, closing in around him. Voices in the distance had faded, even his brother's voice had faded, or maybe he simply wasn't talking anymore. It was like he was in a vacuum. The world was soundless, colorless, and almost lightless. He was utterly alone and there was nothing, not even the devil on his shoulder.
"...are you even paying attention? I'm not fucking talking to listen to the sound of my own damn voice, Jared. Jared!"
A sonic boom, and the immediate world around him returned. He was being shaken, shoulders hitting against the bus as he felt an iron grip on his upper arms. A gasp slipped out, as if he had stopped breathing for the short infinity he retreated into himself and the shaking forced air back in his lungs. His eyes blinked rapidly once, twice, adjusting to a more muted darkness but not feeling the wetness that slid down his face. A firm hand grabbed his face, forcing him to look, more hair falling in his eyes. There was a different expression on Shannon's face now, even as he watched, and the grip loosened, almost hesitating before rough fingertips grazed his cheek and he realized his lip was trembling, captured between his teeth.
He wanted to speak, really he did, but it was as if someone had stolen his voice. He couldn't even think the words, just be aware of the desire to speak, make sounds. Everything was falling apart; that was all he could think. The world was shattering around him and then Shannon would let him go and he would fall, fall forever. The voices were back, swirling like a whirlwind and he half expected to feel his hair being whipped at his face. Instead, his hair was pushed back from his face with a tenderness he hadn't felt in so long he wasn't sure he knew just what it was. Brown eyes were boring into his and they held no accusation or disappointment despite what the voices were trying to convince him. They were filled only with warmth and concern and... fear? No, he could see his reflection in his brother's eyes, and the fear was in his own.
His senses were fading again, this time his chest growing tight like something was wrapped around it. A string being wound tighter and tighter, faster and faster, ready to pull him into the darkness. He reached out as he felt himself start to fall, eyes widening, but he felt only cloth beneath his hands. His voice still wasn't working but his mouth now was, and his dry lips formed his brother's name as a hand finally felt something firm, something real.
Then the blackness swallowed him.
He was drifting, as if his body floated upon the waves of the ocean. The stars were above him, night sky an inky black that held depth. As he focused, he slowly realized the drifting feeling was really the motion of the tour bus beneath him. The sky? His dark hair strewn across his face, light cracking in between the strands and hitting his closed eyelids. He couldn't move, wasn't sure he was ready to, and instead just let his senses slowly become aware.
"...Go the fuck to bed. If I need you, I'll get you. No, do not argue with me, Tome. I'm fine, you sleep."
Muttering followed the sound of the lounge door shutting. Soft shuffling, socks upon carpet, then a click and what little light he sensed went away. Long moments passed before there was the rustling of clothing near and his hair was brushed back from his face, the hand stroking it back into place. "You're going to give me a fucking heart attack one of these days, little brother, I swear."
His brother's normally strong voice was soft, laced with emotion that was all too clear. The same rough fingertips from earlier traced the side of his face, ran along his jaw, and there was a deep intake of breath. "If I didn't know better I'd say you do this shit to me on purpose... except I know you never would. Not something like this. I think you're worried about the same things I am, aren't you? You just know more than I do. You walk around inside your head and take stock of everything but never tell me anything, and then you just expect me to be unphased when I can see clearly that something's wrong. I can't help you if you don't talk to me... goddamn it, let me help you." The hand rested on his chest, a heavy yet comforting weight, but he swore he felt a tremble. When he felt an arm curl and rest lightly against his chest, then the feel of breath against his shirt, warmth penetrating the threads to brush his skin, his closed eyes began to sting.
He could feel lips brushing his shirt now, feel a shudder go through his brother's body as if it were his own. "Why do you have to do everything like this? Why can't you just let me in? Just... I watch you and it's like you're fucking wasting away right before my eyes. You try but you can't fool me, I know you too well, but you still fucking try. I'm not the only one who's worried about you, you know. We all are, but..." A ragged breath ruffled his shirt, the other hand grazing his hair near his shoulder. "Something's changed; I can see it in your eyes. And it fucking scares me, J. You just... you push and push but something has to give eventually. You're not invincible no matter how much you pretend you are, how much I wish you were. One of these days, you're going to push and I'm not going to be able to catch you when you stumble. So you need to cut this shit out because I'm not ready for that. I don't want to ever need to be ready for that.
"God, why do you have to fucking do this to yourself? Tonight when you... I don't even know what the hell happened but I don't want it to ever happen again, do you hear me? I don't want to ever see that look in your eyes again because I can't... I can't..."
The shudder came again, harder, but Jared was already opening his eyes. The lounge was dark but light crept under the bottom of the door, in the windows as other vehicles went by. This darkness wasn't oppressive, it was just there. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he raised a hand to touch his brother's hair, voice quiet but rough from earlier. "It scares me too..."
Shannon jerked, though whether from the touch or his voice he didn't know, eyes snapping open as his head raised slightly from where it lay against Jared's chest. Relief filled eyes that were already filled with tears and they just stared at each other for a few minutes, not saying a word. When his hair was tenderly stroked, fingers sliding down the side of his face, it was his turn to shudder and his eyes closed again.
He could hear, sense movement. The weight and warmth on his chest was immediately missed and one hand reached out as if to stop Shannon from moving. A hand met his and fingers laced together, holding tightly to the other. Breath brushed his face and his breathing hitched as a kiss was pressed to his forehead. Without opening his eyes he tilted his head back, other hand coming up to his brother's and finding it easily. Fingers slid across one cheek and his thumb brushed the scruff on his chin as his hand moved to cup the side of his face, tilting his chin up and lifting his head until he felt their lips brush.
Everything seemed to stop, their movements, their breathing, everything. He was as afraid to go forward as he was to move back. A knot started to form in his stomach when he swore he felt Shannon start to draw back. It was happening. He had finally done something to push his brother away. Then fingers slid through his hair and the same side of his face was cupped, thumb brushing across his lower lip. Before he could kiss it, his brother's soft lips pressed to his and he could breathe again, the knot coming undone.
When he finally reopened his eyes his brother's were right there, the look in them fond, and he leaned into his brother's touch. "I need your help," The words were hard to say, but he felt better the moment they were out of his mouth.
"I know you do. You're too damn stubborn for your own good, little brother."
Jared shifted onto his side, back brushing the back of the couch as he watched Shannon crawl up to join him. "There's not enough room..."
"Hush, I'll make room." The sight of his brother cracking a smile made him do the same, and his heart warmed as Shannon pulled him into his arms, the two of them curling up like they used to sometimes when they were children. Though he was the taller of the two, Jared squirmed around so he could rest his head against Shannon's shoulder, arms curling around his brother's chest. It wasn't long before sleep was tugging at him, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and he muffled his yawn in his brother's shirt.
Fingers curled in his hair, starting to play with it, and he gave Shannon's chest a light swat, though he smiled at the quiet chuckle it earned. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe. More than that, the voices that mocked him for so long were finally silenced, at least for now. It would take awhile to get better, he knew that, but maybe... maybe it wouldn't be so hard with his brother's help.