Fic: (Can't Get Used To) Something So Right. A "Mirror" timestamp. RPS. J2. G
My SECOND fic posting this year. Productive is my middle name. *rolls eyes* Hope you enjoy.
Title: (Can't Get Used To) Something So Right. (A timestamp for In a Mirror Distorted And Indistinct)
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Wordcount: 5094 words
Rating: G
Summary: Jensen wants to say no. Wants to hold Jared to his promise that no one would find out. That it would just be their secret, his and Jared’s. That they would be safe from people looking at them like they’re vermin.
Author's Note: This will probably not make any sense if you haven't read my Mirror fic. So yeah, maybe click on the link up there first. Just a suggestion if you're not familiar with it (or if it's been a while). ;) Anyway, I know I already mentioned Jensen meeting Jared's parents in the original but I always wanted to flesh that out a bit so here you go. Title from Paul Simon's Something So Right because the lyrics are just so fitting.
Ps. I have a journal for fic updates, felis_fic. Just so you know. :)
They always go for brunch after. It’s closing in on eleven and Jensen can hear Jared’s stomach growling even if he watched Jared gobble down three French toasts and two large glasses of milk this morning before driving him to therapy. He ate his own sandwich - turkey on rye that kept getting stuck in his throat no matter how much water he gulped down - under Dr Stevens patient gaze. It still lies like a heavy stone in the pit of his stomach.
Their booth is by the window. Jensen watches the increasing traffic as Jared orders for both of them. Jensen doesn’t really like looking at menus. Unless they’re having vegetarian because there’s nothing there he really wants anyway. But in a place like this…
Jensen catches a reflection in the window of a man stuffing his face with a fistful of fries and he drops his eyes quickly to the table, his stomach turning.
Jared’s foot nudges Jensen’s under the table and he looks up to find Jared’s eyes on him, questioning.
“What?”
He wonders if Jared can read his mind, maybe even smell the greasy stench of French fries filling his thoughts. Fucked up thing is he doesn’t know whether he wants to wolf them down or throw them to the floor and stomp on them.
“You seem distracted,” Jared says, the usual Saturday worry in his eyes. “Everything alright?”
Jensen’s lips twitch nervously at the corner and the frown between Jared’s eyes deepens. Fuck. He has too many telltale signs, it’s embarrassing. He’s supposed to be an actor for fuck’s sake but the truth is he can’t hide for shit, not when it comes to real things.
“Yeah. It’s just…” He drops his eyes to his hands where they rest on the table, fingers clutching the coffee mug. “We need to talk.”
Jared sighs. “You’re not breaking up with me. And I’m not breaking up with you. And that’s final. Okay?”
Jensen chuckles despite himself. “Not that kind of talk.”
“Oh good. I’m really tired of those talks,” Jared sighs dramatically. “So what is it?”
“Here you go, boys,” the waitress interrupts cheerfully and slides the plates down on the table in front of them. “You just let me know if I can bring you anything else.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Jared says with a huge smile. “Smells good.”
She smiles back with a slight blush and Jensen rolls his eyes when Jared gives her a wink as he stuffs the first bite into his mouth and moans loudly.
“Dude, she’s like forty,” Jensen says when he’s sure she’s out of earshot, picking at his own food. Pancakes today. With blueberries. Okay, he can work with that.
“So?” Jared pushes Jensen’s plate closer to him. “Eat. And talk.”
He sighs and cuts the pancakes up into small pieces. It’s easier that way. He’s on edge, which always makes it harder to eat. He’d never believed he’d come to hate Saturdays but truth is he’d rather take a thousand early Monday mornings filming in pouring rain than one Saturday on his therapist’s couch, talking about his fucked-up feelings. Even if he knows it’s pushing him in the right direction, however slowly, he still hates it.
Like this morning. She’d asked him about his father and after some initial resistance he’d found himself talking about stuff he never even realized bothered him before. Like the way his dad would put down his mother’s cooking or correct her grammar and how she just let him, whether it was just the family present or even larger company. Or the time he’d overheard his father telling his mother that she had to stop coddling Jensen or ‘he’ll turn into a sissy boy’.
“And he was right, I did.”
“You really think so?” Dr Stevens had asked, letting the pen rest on her notebook as she gazed at him over the rim of her glasses.
“Oh sorry, what’s the politically correct term?” he’d answered with a sneer. “Masculinly challenged?”
She’d raised her eyebrows. “You feel being gay lessens your masculinity?”
He’d stiffened as he always does when she says the G-word. “Can we not talk about this?”
They’d been skating around the issue for weeks, with Jensen either going silent or abruptly changing the subject every time it got mentioned, even ending up hyperventilating a couple of times when she’d pushed it despite his obvious discomfort. But he’d known his time would be up soon and it seemed she’d been thinking the same thing because she’d given him a small smile. The kind of smile that meant ‘It’s time to pull your head out of the sand and face who you are.’ Jared uses that smile far too often for Jensen not to recognize it. Sure enough…
“You know, at some point we’ll have to. We might as well start now.”
He’d grimaced, fingers tapping his knee. The room had suddenly felt too warm and he’d wished he could ask for a cigarette break. Then maybe he could slip away and hide until Jared came around to pick him up. Except he’d quit three weeks ago and she knows that. Damn.
“It’s just… It’s what people instantly think of, right?” he’d finally forced out. “Some skinny twink in too tight jeans, waving his limp wrists and saying everything is fabulous in this really annoying high-pitched voice. Doesn’t get much girlier than that.”
“Huh,” she’d said with a small tilt of her head. “No girls I know.”
He’d started to wave his hand in dismissal but instantly dropped it to his knee when he’d realized how fucking gay it looked. “You know what I mean. It’s… annoying.”
“The stereotyping or the stereotype?”
“Both. I mean, it’s annoying that that’s what people will think of if I ever… You know. Just because I’m…” He’d gritted his teeth but the damn word just wouldn’t come out, no more than usual. “ That doesn’t mean I want to prance around singing I Will Survive. That’s not who I am.”
“Aren’t you contradicting yourself? You say being gay emasculates you but at the same time you think you’re too masculine to fit the gay image.”
“That’s…” He’d frowned. “Okay, so I’m stupid too.”
She’d shaken her head. “I think maybe you’re forgetting that stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. They’re not really representative of everyone they’re supposed to represent. Now, Jared’s not very ‘girly’, is he?”
Jensen had snorted. “He does wear pink a lot.”
“Apart from that,” she’d replied with a smile. “He’s very big and strong. Very masculine.”
“Yeah, but…”
“So you know being gay doesn’t mean being any less male. Yes, there are gay men who come across somewhat the way you described but it’s not a requirement. They are the way they are and you are the way you are. Neither is better or worse than the other, it’s just different personalities. We’re not trying to make you into what you think you should be like, gay or straight. We’re trying to make you come to terms with who you really are.”
He’d felt tears sting his eyes and quickly dropped his gaze to his hands were they lay in his lap. “I know,” he’d mumbled. “I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
“Jensen?” Jared asks and Jensen realizes he’s been staring into space for God knows how long, a piece of pancake dangling from his fork. “What is it?”
“Nothing. It’s just…” He can feel himself blushing and grimaces. Stupid face. “You think you could come with me some time?” He glances up at Jared who’s staring back at him, looking rather stunned.
“Really? You mean that?”
“Yeah. I mean… Yeah.” Jensen swallows. “She thinks it might help.”
Jared nods slowly. “And what do you think?”
Jensen shrugs, hoping Jared can’t tell how uneasy he feels. It’s one thing talking to a stranger, it’s quite another gutting himself open with Jared there listening. “I’m not sure anything helps but… I think… yeah. Maybe.”
“Then sure, of course I will. Thank you,” Jared adds after a while, sounding genuinely touched.
Jensen snorts. “Don’t thank me. It’s no fun. You’ll probably hate it and decide to leave me once you realise what a complete psycho I am.” He keeps his voice light but it’s no use.
“I’m not going to leave you,” Jared says and kicks Jensen’s leg under the table. Hard.
“Ow! What the hell was that for?”
“For being a moron.” Jared shakes his head but the smile is affectionate. “Idiot.”
“You’re the idiot,” Jensen grumbles and massages his shin. That’s gonna bruise. He stuffs the small piece of pancake into his mouth. It’s cold by now and he has to take a sip of his coffee to swallow it down. He cuts the pieces even smaller. He tries to cut up a blueberry but it just jumps off the plate and onto the floor. He can feel Jared watching him. It’s either pity or amusement, doesn’t matter which. Neither is something he wants to see so he keeps his eyes on the table, on the pancakes that seem to be growing on his plate and the blueberries that are multiplying.
“By the way,” Jared says suddenly, his voice way too casual, “my parents might possibly be coming to visit soon. Like… uh… next weekend.”
Jensen drops the fork and it falls with a clatter on his plate. “What?”
Jared sighs. “I know! I’m sorry. But you know how my mom is. She ambushed me, man. Totally pulled the guilt card. I had no choice but agree.”
Jared looks so guilty but still so excited that Jensen has to curl his toes to keep himself from kicking Jared under the table, just for having parents that make him happy instead of miserable.
“It’s okay,” he says instead and tries to smile. “Of course. It’s your family, man. Don’t worry about it.”
Jared shakes his head. “I’m not worried about it. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m not a baby, Jared. I can handle being without you for a few days,” he huffs, already picturing being alone in his big and silent apartment, in his cold and empty bed. Fuck.
But Jared just rolls his eyes at him. “Dude, you’re not going anywhere. They’ll want to meet you, too. My mom’s been begging me to bring you home ever since Christmas.”
Jensen freezes, his heart speeding up in his chest. “Why?” he asks, his voice coming out all strangled and scared. Damn. “What have you told them?”
Jared sighs. “Nothing, you know that. Just that we’re good friends. She just wants to meet my best friend, man.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Jensen says stiffly.
Jared’s jaw tightens. “I’m not gonna drop to my knees and suck you in front of my mom, Jen,” he says frustrated, “so I think you’re pretty safe from being outed.”
“Jesus, Jare!” Jensen hisses, his face glowing red. He looks around, sure someone must have heard but no one even looks their way. “Keep your voice down!”
“Whatever.”
Jared scowls and stabs at the pile of pancakes in front of him. Jensen’s heart sinks. He hates it when Jared gets mad, especially when he gets mad at him. He keeps waiting for Jared to tell him to fuck off, get lost. To tell him that he’s had enough and he can’t do this anymore. That it’s just not worth it. That Jensen isn’t worth it. Because he’s not. And it’s only a matter of time before Jared figures that out.
Jensen sits hunched over his plate, picking at the now cold food. He’s lost the little appetite he had. Jared is saying something but Jensen isn’t listening. He draws lines and circles in the syrup on his plate, complicated floral designs that run together again as soon as the fork moves on.
“Jensen, stop it.”
The fork makes a scratchy sound as his hand starts shaking and he drops it. It falls off the table and down on the floor with a clatter. Bet the waitress won’t smile now.
“You know what this is? You know what you’re really doing? It’s called passive aggression, Jensen, and it sucks. So stop it. Jensen, are you listening to me?”
Is it hot in here? Like stifling. He feels dizzy. There’s a buzzing sound in his ears he can’t place. Panic scratches at his chest and squeezes his lungs. Jensen closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. In-out, in-out.
“I just… You drive me crazy sometimes, you know that? Fuck. I need some air.”
Jensen’s head finally stops spinning after what feels like an eternity. Slowly he opens his eyes and looks up. He’s alone. There’s no sign of Jared anywhere. Jensen blinks. Jared’s just gone.
He sits still for a long time not sure what to do. Finally he stands up and fishes a couple of twenties out of his pocket, throwing them on the table. He doesn’t even remember what they were eating. The plates are gone and the coffee is cold in his cup.
Was Jared even here? Maybe he imagined the whole thing.
He steps outside and there’s no truck. He stands for a moment, staring into space, and then starts walking towards his hotel. When he gets there the apartment is empty and silent. Jensen kicks off his shoes and heads into the bedroom. The sheets are still rumpled since that morning. He crawls into bed, pulls the covers over his head and falls asleep, dreaming about Jared marrying Sandy.
Jensen wakes up to someone stroking his hair. When he opens his eyes Jared is sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with worried eyes.
“Hey,” he says, and then, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Jensen mumbles, too groggy to remember why he’s in bed in the first place.
Jared sighs. “Do you know you always say that when you’re absolutely miserable about something? I’m sorry I left and I’m sorry about the passive aggressive thing. I know you don’t mean it like that. It’s just really frustrating when you shut me out like that.”
“What passive aggressive thing?” Jensen asks, at first confused and then hurt when he realizes what Jared means. “You think I’m passive aggressive?”
“Didn’t you hear a word of what I said?” Jared’s got that worried look in his eyes again that makes Jensen all twitchy. “Where do you go? It’s like sometimes you’re here but you’re not really here at all. It kinda scares me.”
“I don’t know.” He rubs one hand over his face. “Where did you go?”
Jared shifts, looking uncomfortable. “Just drove around a bit and then I called my mom. Told her maybe they shouldn’t come.”
Oh crap. Jensen shakes his head, feeling guilty as hell. “Dude, no. I’m sorry I was such a douche. Call her back and tell her you’d love to have them. Better yet, fly down there for the break. I’m okay. Really.” He gives Jared a smile that’s supposed to look reassuring but apparently it doesn’t because if anything Jared only looks more worried.
“You’re not okay, Jen. I worry about you.” Jared climbs into the bed and curls up beside Jensen, slinging one arm around his waist. “And I don’t want to sleep alone either,” he adds, sounding so earnest that Jensen breathes out and lets go of his apprehension. For now.
They lie in silence for a while. “You could put them up in a hotel,” Jensen finally suggests. “Another hotel. Far from this one or yours.”
‘I could do that,” Jared agrees hesitantly. “I think you might be right though.”
Jensen turns his head and gives him a quizzical look. “About what?”
“About them finding out if they see us together. My mom is very observant.” Jared fidgets, his smile wry. “She already thinks I’m hiding something and I’m pretty sure she’ll notice the way I look at you.”
Jensen’s heart sinks. “Oh.” He looks away.
“I know…” Jared pauses. Jensen can hear him swallow before he tries again, “I know we decided not to tell anyone but… Jensen, it’s my mom. It’s my mama, Jen.”
Jensen bites his lip. He doesn’t need to look at Jared to know he’s got tears in his eyes and probably a wobbly lip as well. “Okay,” he says quietly.
Jared goes absolutely still beside him. “What?”
His heart is hammering in his chest but fuck, he just loves Jared too damn much to watch him hurting like this. “Tell her. You can tell her. It’s okay.”
Jared sits up and gazes down at him. “You really mean that?”
He sounds skeptical but also so hopeful, like there’s nothing he wants more than to spill everything to his mama, fuck the consequences. That’s Jared for you, thinking the best of everyone. Probably doesn’t even occur to him that his dear mama might slam the door in his face once she finds out he’s a fucking queer.
Jensen wants to say no. Wants to hold Jared to his promise that no one would find out. That it would just be their secret, his and Jared’s. That they would be safe from people looking at them like they’re vermin. But…
“Yeah,” he says. “I know… I know it’s killing you. So… yeah.”
“About us, too?” Jared asks hopefully and Jensen closes his eyes. Fuck.
“Might as well. She’ll figure it out anyway, once you tell her about being…” He grimaces. “You know. Into guys now.”
“Bi. And I’m only into you,” Jared says softly. “But you’re probably right.”
“I’m always right,” Jensen says, using his Dean voice. Somehow that makes breathing easier.
“Yeah, yeah. Jerk.” Jared lies down again, pulling him in close. “Thank you.”
Jensen sighs. “You won’t thank me if they decide to disown you.”
“They won’t. Don’t worry,” Jared says and kisses his neck.
They don’t. Apparently the minute Jared said, “Mom, dad, I have to tell you something. About me and Jensen,” Mrs. Padalecki had hitched her breath and said, “We know, we know. And it’s okay.”
Jensen’s not sure whether to be happy for him or hate him for having such awesome parents.
Anyway, that’s how he ends up engulfed in Jared’s mama’s embrace. Jared’s mama, who apparently has decided she’s not losing a son but gaining another. Jensen kinda wishes that was possible, that he could trade his own cold distant parents for Jared’s warm and accepting ones. That probably makes him a horrible person. He’s not sure he cares.
Once the hugging is over with and they’ve both calmed down Jared’s mother gives her son a loving smile.
“I’m just so happy for you. Both of you,” she says and wipes at the corner of her eyes. “I was so worried about JT being all alone up here and now he has you, Jensen.”
“Uh…” Jensen says and throws Jared a panicked look. “We’re not…”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she dismisses with a wave of her hand. “We won’t tell anyone. Jared explained it all to us.”
“Mom!” Jared looks both sheepish and embarrassed and Jensen wonders just how much he did explain.
“It’s alright, dear. Like it’s anyone’s business anyway. Now, where should we go to celebrate?”
Jensen feels slightly dizzy. He’s not sure he can deal with coming out and eating some fancy food in front of Jared’s parents, all in the same day. “Jared?” he pleads, his voice sounding weak and pathetic.
Jared moves slightly closer, subtle but reassuring. “Jensen just had the stomach flu, mom. Don’t think he’ll be up for eating too much,” he lies and Jensen loves him so much it hurts.
“Oh, how horrible!” She gives Jensen a sympathetic look that has him squirming with guilt. “You do look rather ragged, honey. Did Jared make you chicken soup? Jared, did you make him my chicken soup?”
“Really, Mrs. Padalecki, I’m fine. Just… haven’t gotten my appetite back.” Jensen smiles. He can feel himself finally slipping into character, thank God. He can do this. “You guys go,” he continues, offering them his most charming smile. From the corner of his eye he sees Jared looking over at him, frowning. “I’m feeling rather tired anyway.”
“But we couldn’t-” she starts to object but he cuts her off with another smile and headshake.
“I insist, ma’am. Jared’s been looking so much forward to seeing you,” he adds and gives Jared his best big-brother grin. “And we all know the boy can eat.”
“Jensen, can I talk to you for a moment?” Jared grabs his arm, non-too gently, and Jensen gives Jared’s family a smile of apology and follows him out of the living room and into the bedroom. The smile drops as soon as Jared closes the door.
“What?”
Jared sighs. He looks pained and a little irritated. “Jen, that’s my family out there. You don’t have to be like that.”
“What?” he says defensive. “I’m being polite. I’m being-”
“You’re being Jensen Ackles, the actor,” Jared cuts in, “not Jensen Ackles, my boyfriend. Guess which one they traveled all the way up here to meet?”
The familiar anger fires up in his chest. “I’m being me,” he bristles. “I don’t know what the hell else you want.”
Jared rubs his eyes tiredly. Jensen tries to remind himself this hasn’t exactly been easy on Jared either, no matter how well his parents took the news. Jared’s been nervous as hell all week. Jensen knows this, he’s just having a bit of trouble concentrating at the moment. Damn, he could really use a cigarette.
“Look, I get it,” Jared sighs. “But they’re… They’re like me, okay? You don’t have to act in front of them. Just… Just be you, Jen. Trust me, they’re gonna love you.”
“Love me?” Jensen laughs coldly. “Jared, they just met me. Their son’s first fucking boyfriend. It’s one thing them knowing I’m paranoid about the whole g- g-” Fuck. “About us. I’m not gonna dump my whole goddamn miserable life story on them.”
Jared just looks at him patiently. “I’m not saying that. God, Jen, you really think I expect you to bare your soul within five minutes of meeting them? I’ve known you for over a year and I feel privileged as hell that you trust me enough to tell me anything!”
“Then what?” Jensen asks angry. “What do you want? What do you want, man? I can’t… I don’t know what the hell you want from me!” He doesn’t realize he’s shaking until Jared grabs him by the shoulders, thumbs rubbing at his neck. Fuck. He only just keeps from shrugging Jared off. This is not the time for this. His parents are in the next room, for Christ’s sake!
“I just want you to believe that they would never judge you, no more than I do.” Jared smiles, his eyes soft and a little sad. “It’s okay to not be perfect, Jen. It’s okay to be nervous and shy. It’s okay to be you.”
Jensen lets out a shuddering breath, his anger fading. “I’m not gonna start crying again,” he huffs and Jared laughs softly.
“Okay, deal. But if you feel like it my mama’s got more tissues in her bag.”
Jensen bites his smile back, his face heating. “Fuck you.”
“Later.” Jared smiles. “C’mon.” He slides one arm around Jensen’s shoulders, leading him back into the living room where the Padaleckis sit patiently on the couch, waiting for them.
“Everything alright?” Sherri asks concerned and they nod simultaneously, bringing the smile back to her face. “So… dinner? What do you feel up to, Jensen? And don’t say you’re not coming with, we’re celebrating both of you.”
He opens his mouth to argue but is met with a pair of puppy eyes that show clearly where Jared got his powers from. “I…” He falters. He’s got to eat soon anyway although he can’t remember what’s on the schedule. “Jared?”
“Seafood should be fine,” Jared offers and Jensen breathes out.
“Well, how ‘bout that?” Jared’s dad says and claps his hands enthusiastically. “Those Canadians do decent fish?”
“Fantastic trout,” Jared says with such confidence Jensen wonders if he’s done research on it. Their fish dinners usually consist of salmon thrown on the grill or fish fingers if Jared’s being lazy. Jensen is still having trouble cooking. Something Dr Stevens assures him will get better. Until then he’s happy to watch Jared fumble his way through it, wearing the flowery apron his mother gave him and smudging butter across his nose.
The restaurant is nice. Subtly lit with discreet booths and quiet waiters. Jared and Jensen sit on one side with Jared’s parents opposite. Jensen pretends to read his menu, Jared suggests pouched lemon trout and he agrees with a nod, closing the menu thankfully. He looks up to find Jared’s mom watching him, looking mildly intrigued but when he catches her eye she just smiles.
They keep to a light conversation during dinner. Jensen parts the pink meat into small flakes, eating slowly and meticulously, swallowing it down with water when it threatens to get stuck in his throat. All the while he can feel Sherri’s eyes on him, studying him. He squirms. Jared’s hand lands on his thigh under the table, squeezing it lightly, and breathing becomes a little easier.
After their dishes have been cleared off the table Jared’s dad suggests dessert and everyone lights up except Jensen.
“Oh, sundae!” Sherri exclaims enthusiastically. “Or are you boys more in the mood for some chocolate cake? Jensen, what do you say? How’s your stomach feeling?”
Jared tenses beside him. “Mom, I think maybe Jensen-”
Jensen grabs Jared’s hand under the table. “Mrs. Padalecki,” he says before he has time to think through what the fuck he’s doing. “I’m not really ill. Well, not with the stomach flu. It’s just… I have a strict diet plan to follow.”
She looks bewildered. “You’re on a diet? Why? Is this some kind of Hollywood thing?” she teases.
Jared shakes his head. “Mom, no.” He turns to Jensen, looking worried and guilty. “Jen, you don’t have to…”
Jensen tightens his grip on Jared’s hand. “No, ma’am,” he says, his voice a little stronger. “It’s a bulimic thing. I have bulimia.”
Everyone goes absolutely silent. Jared’s dad blinks. “Isn’t that…?”
“It’s an eating disorder,” Jensen says. He has no idea why he’s telling them this. Jesus. “I’m dealing with it, it’s just… It’s a slow process.”
“Oh sweetie,” Sherri says as she reaches for his hand across the table, patting it kindly. “Of course it is. I’m a teacher, hon. I’ve seen the most promising students fall victims to this horrible, horrible disease. But I’ve also seen them rise above it and become the stars they were always meant to be. Just like you.”
He stares at her. Something hitches in his chest. He’s in the middle of a goddamn restaurant for fuck’s sake. “Jared?” he pleads.
“We’re gonna…” Jared mutters and pulls Jensen along with him out of the booth, “go over there and make out a little.”
Jensen can feel hysterical laughter bubbling up in his chest and has to clench his jaw to stop it from becoming a sob. He keeps the smile on his face until they’re in the restroom, door closed behind them, and then he sinks down on the floor, hiding his head in his hands.
“Oh God.”
“Jen…” Jared says softly.
“I’m sorry.”
“Dude, no.” Jared sits down beside him, arm around his shoulders, and pulls him in. “You didn’t have to do that but you did and I’m so proud of you.”
“I don’t know why I did it,” Jensen whispers. “Jesus. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“My mom has that effect on people,” Jared tells him and laughs a little. “One look and she has the bullies crying on her shoulder and the toughest jock writing her poetry. It’s just the way she is.”
Jensen swallows. “You are so lucky.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean, you’re so goddamn lucky,” Jensen says, his voice breaking. “I hate you for it. Just a little bit.”
“I know,” Jared says and then he kisses him. Just tilts Jensen’s face up and kisses him, right there in the restroom, where someone might walk in on them any minute and Jensen simply kisses him back because hell, he just came out to more people in one day than he has in his whole life and in the enormity of that kissing in a semi-public place doesn’t really seem such a big deal.
Even after he’s pushed Jared away they stay there on the floor, Jensen hunched over with Jared’s long arms around him, holding him while he concentrates on his breathing and tries not to think about Jared’s parents waiting outside and what they must be thinking. His face feels hot and itchy and his eyes burn behind the contacts.
“We should get back out there,” he finally says, clearing his throat when his voice comes out all choked and hoarse. “Your parents...”
“Are probably eating their desserts really slowly so we have time to talk,” Jared says calmly, not making any signs of moving. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried,” Jensen mumbles which is such a blatant lie he can’t even blame Jared for snorting. “Shut up. I just... You were right.”
“I’m always right,” Jared says ligthly. “What was I right about this time?”
“Telling them.” He swallows. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you to lie to them. That was a real douchy thing to do.”
“Stop being stupid,” Jared says affectionately and kisses him on the temple. “I’m sorry for yanking you out of the closet. And forcing you to eat with them. And making out with you with my parents in the next room.”
Jensen laughs shakily. “Not making out. Just kissing.”
Jared grins. “I know. I was talking about what I’m gonna do to you tonight after they’ve gone to bed.”
Jensen elbows him. “Haha, funny.”
Jared smirks.
“Shut up, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t-” Jensen's eyes widen. “Jared, are you insane? I’m not gonna... No!” Jared wriggles his eyebrows and Jensen can’t help it, he starts laughing. “No. Stop it. God, I hate you.”
“Oh, you love me,” Jared says with a grin and well, Jensen can’t really argue with that. And later when they’re in bed and he can hear the murmur of Jared’s parents talking just across the hall and Jared slips a hand up his thigh Jensen doesn’t shove him away. He just keeps very, very quiet.
fin
Title: (Can't Get Used To) Something So Right. (A timestamp for In a Mirror Distorted And Indistinct)
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Wordcount: 5094 words
Rating: G
Summary: Jensen wants to say no. Wants to hold Jared to his promise that no one would find out. That it would just be their secret, his and Jared’s. That they would be safe from people looking at them like they’re vermin.
Author's Note: This will probably not make any sense if you haven't read my Mirror fic. So yeah, maybe click on the link up there first. Just a suggestion if you're not familiar with it (or if it's been a while). ;) Anyway, I know I already mentioned Jensen meeting Jared's parents in the original but I always wanted to flesh that out a bit so here you go. Title from Paul Simon's Something So Right because the lyrics are just so fitting.
Ps. I have a journal for fic updates, felis_fic. Just so you know. :)
They always go for brunch after. It’s closing in on eleven and Jensen can hear Jared’s stomach growling even if he watched Jared gobble down three French toasts and two large glasses of milk this morning before driving him to therapy. He ate his own sandwich - turkey on rye that kept getting stuck in his throat no matter how much water he gulped down - under Dr Stevens patient gaze. It still lies like a heavy stone in the pit of his stomach.
Their booth is by the window. Jensen watches the increasing traffic as Jared orders for both of them. Jensen doesn’t really like looking at menus. Unless they’re having vegetarian because there’s nothing there he really wants anyway. But in a place like this…
Jensen catches a reflection in the window of a man stuffing his face with a fistful of fries and he drops his eyes quickly to the table, his stomach turning.
Jared’s foot nudges Jensen’s under the table and he looks up to find Jared’s eyes on him, questioning.
“What?”
He wonders if Jared can read his mind, maybe even smell the greasy stench of French fries filling his thoughts. Fucked up thing is he doesn’t know whether he wants to wolf them down or throw them to the floor and stomp on them.
“You seem distracted,” Jared says, the usual Saturday worry in his eyes. “Everything alright?”
Jensen’s lips twitch nervously at the corner and the frown between Jared’s eyes deepens. Fuck. He has too many telltale signs, it’s embarrassing. He’s supposed to be an actor for fuck’s sake but the truth is he can’t hide for shit, not when it comes to real things.
“Yeah. It’s just…” He drops his eyes to his hands where they rest on the table, fingers clutching the coffee mug. “We need to talk.”
Jared sighs. “You’re not breaking up with me. And I’m not breaking up with you. And that’s final. Okay?”
Jensen chuckles despite himself. “Not that kind of talk.”
“Oh good. I’m really tired of those talks,” Jared sighs dramatically. “So what is it?”
“Here you go, boys,” the waitress interrupts cheerfully and slides the plates down on the table in front of them. “You just let me know if I can bring you anything else.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Jared says with a huge smile. “Smells good.”
She smiles back with a slight blush and Jensen rolls his eyes when Jared gives her a wink as he stuffs the first bite into his mouth and moans loudly.
“Dude, she’s like forty,” Jensen says when he’s sure she’s out of earshot, picking at his own food. Pancakes today. With blueberries. Okay, he can work with that.
“So?” Jared pushes Jensen’s plate closer to him. “Eat. And talk.”
He sighs and cuts the pancakes up into small pieces. It’s easier that way. He’s on edge, which always makes it harder to eat. He’d never believed he’d come to hate Saturdays but truth is he’d rather take a thousand early Monday mornings filming in pouring rain than one Saturday on his therapist’s couch, talking about his fucked-up feelings. Even if he knows it’s pushing him in the right direction, however slowly, he still hates it.
Like this morning. She’d asked him about his father and after some initial resistance he’d found himself talking about stuff he never even realized bothered him before. Like the way his dad would put down his mother’s cooking or correct her grammar and how she just let him, whether it was just the family present or even larger company. Or the time he’d overheard his father telling his mother that she had to stop coddling Jensen or ‘he’ll turn into a sissy boy’.
“And he was right, I did.”
“You really think so?” Dr Stevens had asked, letting the pen rest on her notebook as she gazed at him over the rim of her glasses.
“Oh sorry, what’s the politically correct term?” he’d answered with a sneer. “Masculinly challenged?”
She’d raised her eyebrows. “You feel being gay lessens your masculinity?”
He’d stiffened as he always does when she says the G-word. “Can we not talk about this?”
They’d been skating around the issue for weeks, with Jensen either going silent or abruptly changing the subject every time it got mentioned, even ending up hyperventilating a couple of times when she’d pushed it despite his obvious discomfort. But he’d known his time would be up soon and it seemed she’d been thinking the same thing because she’d given him a small smile. The kind of smile that meant ‘It’s time to pull your head out of the sand and face who you are.’ Jared uses that smile far too often for Jensen not to recognize it. Sure enough…
“You know, at some point we’ll have to. We might as well start now.”
He’d grimaced, fingers tapping his knee. The room had suddenly felt too warm and he’d wished he could ask for a cigarette break. Then maybe he could slip away and hide until Jared came around to pick him up. Except he’d quit three weeks ago and she knows that. Damn.
“It’s just… It’s what people instantly think of, right?” he’d finally forced out. “Some skinny twink in too tight jeans, waving his limp wrists and saying everything is fabulous in this really annoying high-pitched voice. Doesn’t get much girlier than that.”
“Huh,” she’d said with a small tilt of her head. “No girls I know.”
He’d started to wave his hand in dismissal but instantly dropped it to his knee when he’d realized how fucking gay it looked. “You know what I mean. It’s… annoying.”
“The stereotyping or the stereotype?”
“Both. I mean, it’s annoying that that’s what people will think of if I ever… You know. Just because I’m…” He’d gritted his teeth but the damn word just wouldn’t come out, no more than usual. “ That doesn’t mean I want to prance around singing I Will Survive. That’s not who I am.”
“Aren’t you contradicting yourself? You say being gay emasculates you but at the same time you think you’re too masculine to fit the gay image.”
“That’s…” He’d frowned. “Okay, so I’m stupid too.”
She’d shaken her head. “I think maybe you’re forgetting that stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. They’re not really representative of everyone they’re supposed to represent. Now, Jared’s not very ‘girly’, is he?”
Jensen had snorted. “He does wear pink a lot.”
“Apart from that,” she’d replied with a smile. “He’s very big and strong. Very masculine.”
“Yeah, but…”
“So you know being gay doesn’t mean being any less male. Yes, there are gay men who come across somewhat the way you described but it’s not a requirement. They are the way they are and you are the way you are. Neither is better or worse than the other, it’s just different personalities. We’re not trying to make you into what you think you should be like, gay or straight. We’re trying to make you come to terms with who you really are.”
He’d felt tears sting his eyes and quickly dropped his gaze to his hands were they lay in his lap. “I know,” he’d mumbled. “I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
“Jensen?” Jared asks and Jensen realizes he’s been staring into space for God knows how long, a piece of pancake dangling from his fork. “What is it?”
“Nothing. It’s just…” He can feel himself blushing and grimaces. Stupid face. “You think you could come with me some time?” He glances up at Jared who’s staring back at him, looking rather stunned.
“Really? You mean that?”
“Yeah. I mean… Yeah.” Jensen swallows. “She thinks it might help.”
Jared nods slowly. “And what do you think?”
Jensen shrugs, hoping Jared can’t tell how uneasy he feels. It’s one thing talking to a stranger, it’s quite another gutting himself open with Jared there listening. “I’m not sure anything helps but… I think… yeah. Maybe.”
“Then sure, of course I will. Thank you,” Jared adds after a while, sounding genuinely touched.
Jensen snorts. “Don’t thank me. It’s no fun. You’ll probably hate it and decide to leave me once you realise what a complete psycho I am.” He keeps his voice light but it’s no use.
“I’m not going to leave you,” Jared says and kicks Jensen’s leg under the table. Hard.
“Ow! What the hell was that for?”
“For being a moron.” Jared shakes his head but the smile is affectionate. “Idiot.”
“You’re the idiot,” Jensen grumbles and massages his shin. That’s gonna bruise. He stuffs the small piece of pancake into his mouth. It’s cold by now and he has to take a sip of his coffee to swallow it down. He cuts the pieces even smaller. He tries to cut up a blueberry but it just jumps off the plate and onto the floor. He can feel Jared watching him. It’s either pity or amusement, doesn’t matter which. Neither is something he wants to see so he keeps his eyes on the table, on the pancakes that seem to be growing on his plate and the blueberries that are multiplying.
“By the way,” Jared says suddenly, his voice way too casual, “my parents might possibly be coming to visit soon. Like… uh… next weekend.”
Jensen drops the fork and it falls with a clatter on his plate. “What?”
Jared sighs. “I know! I’m sorry. But you know how my mom is. She ambushed me, man. Totally pulled the guilt card. I had no choice but agree.”
Jared looks so guilty but still so excited that Jensen has to curl his toes to keep himself from kicking Jared under the table, just for having parents that make him happy instead of miserable.
“It’s okay,” he says instead and tries to smile. “Of course. It’s your family, man. Don’t worry about it.”
Jared shakes his head. “I’m not worried about it. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m not a baby, Jared. I can handle being without you for a few days,” he huffs, already picturing being alone in his big and silent apartment, in his cold and empty bed. Fuck.
But Jared just rolls his eyes at him. “Dude, you’re not going anywhere. They’ll want to meet you, too. My mom’s been begging me to bring you home ever since Christmas.”
Jensen freezes, his heart speeding up in his chest. “Why?” he asks, his voice coming out all strangled and scared. Damn. “What have you told them?”
Jared sighs. “Nothing, you know that. Just that we’re good friends. She just wants to meet my best friend, man.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Jensen says stiffly.
Jared’s jaw tightens. “I’m not gonna drop to my knees and suck you in front of my mom, Jen,” he says frustrated, “so I think you’re pretty safe from being outed.”
“Jesus, Jare!” Jensen hisses, his face glowing red. He looks around, sure someone must have heard but no one even looks their way. “Keep your voice down!”
“Whatever.”
Jared scowls and stabs at the pile of pancakes in front of him. Jensen’s heart sinks. He hates it when Jared gets mad, especially when he gets mad at him. He keeps waiting for Jared to tell him to fuck off, get lost. To tell him that he’s had enough and he can’t do this anymore. That it’s just not worth it. That Jensen isn’t worth it. Because he’s not. And it’s only a matter of time before Jared figures that out.
Jensen sits hunched over his plate, picking at the now cold food. He’s lost the little appetite he had. Jared is saying something but Jensen isn’t listening. He draws lines and circles in the syrup on his plate, complicated floral designs that run together again as soon as the fork moves on.
“Jensen, stop it.”
The fork makes a scratchy sound as his hand starts shaking and he drops it. It falls off the table and down on the floor with a clatter. Bet the waitress won’t smile now.
“You know what this is? You know what you’re really doing? It’s called passive aggression, Jensen, and it sucks. So stop it. Jensen, are you listening to me?”
Is it hot in here? Like stifling. He feels dizzy. There’s a buzzing sound in his ears he can’t place. Panic scratches at his chest and squeezes his lungs. Jensen closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. In-out, in-out.
“I just… You drive me crazy sometimes, you know that? Fuck. I need some air.”
Jensen’s head finally stops spinning after what feels like an eternity. Slowly he opens his eyes and looks up. He’s alone. There’s no sign of Jared anywhere. Jensen blinks. Jared’s just gone.
He sits still for a long time not sure what to do. Finally he stands up and fishes a couple of twenties out of his pocket, throwing them on the table. He doesn’t even remember what they were eating. The plates are gone and the coffee is cold in his cup.
Was Jared even here? Maybe he imagined the whole thing.
He steps outside and there’s no truck. He stands for a moment, staring into space, and then starts walking towards his hotel. When he gets there the apartment is empty and silent. Jensen kicks off his shoes and heads into the bedroom. The sheets are still rumpled since that morning. He crawls into bed, pulls the covers over his head and falls asleep, dreaming about Jared marrying Sandy.
Jensen wakes up to someone stroking his hair. When he opens his eyes Jared is sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with worried eyes.
“Hey,” he says, and then, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Jensen mumbles, too groggy to remember why he’s in bed in the first place.
Jared sighs. “Do you know you always say that when you’re absolutely miserable about something? I’m sorry I left and I’m sorry about the passive aggressive thing. I know you don’t mean it like that. It’s just really frustrating when you shut me out like that.”
“What passive aggressive thing?” Jensen asks, at first confused and then hurt when he realizes what Jared means. “You think I’m passive aggressive?”
“Didn’t you hear a word of what I said?” Jared’s got that worried look in his eyes again that makes Jensen all twitchy. “Where do you go? It’s like sometimes you’re here but you’re not really here at all. It kinda scares me.”
“I don’t know.” He rubs one hand over his face. “Where did you go?”
Jared shifts, looking uncomfortable. “Just drove around a bit and then I called my mom. Told her maybe they shouldn’t come.”
Oh crap. Jensen shakes his head, feeling guilty as hell. “Dude, no. I’m sorry I was such a douche. Call her back and tell her you’d love to have them. Better yet, fly down there for the break. I’m okay. Really.” He gives Jared a smile that’s supposed to look reassuring but apparently it doesn’t because if anything Jared only looks more worried.
“You’re not okay, Jen. I worry about you.” Jared climbs into the bed and curls up beside Jensen, slinging one arm around his waist. “And I don’t want to sleep alone either,” he adds, sounding so earnest that Jensen breathes out and lets go of his apprehension. For now.
They lie in silence for a while. “You could put them up in a hotel,” Jensen finally suggests. “Another hotel. Far from this one or yours.”
‘I could do that,” Jared agrees hesitantly. “I think you might be right though.”
Jensen turns his head and gives him a quizzical look. “About what?”
“About them finding out if they see us together. My mom is very observant.” Jared fidgets, his smile wry. “She already thinks I’m hiding something and I’m pretty sure she’ll notice the way I look at you.”
Jensen’s heart sinks. “Oh.” He looks away.
“I know…” Jared pauses. Jensen can hear him swallow before he tries again, “I know we decided not to tell anyone but… Jensen, it’s my mom. It’s my mama, Jen.”
Jensen bites his lip. He doesn’t need to look at Jared to know he’s got tears in his eyes and probably a wobbly lip as well. “Okay,” he says quietly.
Jared goes absolutely still beside him. “What?”
His heart is hammering in his chest but fuck, he just loves Jared too damn much to watch him hurting like this. “Tell her. You can tell her. It’s okay.”
Jared sits up and gazes down at him. “You really mean that?”
He sounds skeptical but also so hopeful, like there’s nothing he wants more than to spill everything to his mama, fuck the consequences. That’s Jared for you, thinking the best of everyone. Probably doesn’t even occur to him that his dear mama might slam the door in his face once she finds out he’s a fucking queer.
Jensen wants to say no. Wants to hold Jared to his promise that no one would find out. That it would just be their secret, his and Jared’s. That they would be safe from people looking at them like they’re vermin. But…
“Yeah,” he says. “I know… I know it’s killing you. So… yeah.”
“About us, too?” Jared asks hopefully and Jensen closes his eyes. Fuck.
“Might as well. She’ll figure it out anyway, once you tell her about being…” He grimaces. “You know. Into guys now.”
“Bi. And I’m only into you,” Jared says softly. “But you’re probably right.”
“I’m always right,” Jensen says, using his Dean voice. Somehow that makes breathing easier.
“Yeah, yeah. Jerk.” Jared lies down again, pulling him in close. “Thank you.”
Jensen sighs. “You won’t thank me if they decide to disown you.”
“They won’t. Don’t worry,” Jared says and kisses his neck.
They don’t. Apparently the minute Jared said, “Mom, dad, I have to tell you something. About me and Jensen,” Mrs. Padalecki had hitched her breath and said, “We know, we know. And it’s okay.”
Jensen’s not sure whether to be happy for him or hate him for having such awesome parents.
Anyway, that’s how he ends up engulfed in Jared’s mama’s embrace. Jared’s mama, who apparently has decided she’s not losing a son but gaining another. Jensen kinda wishes that was possible, that he could trade his own cold distant parents for Jared’s warm and accepting ones. That probably makes him a horrible person. He’s not sure he cares.
Once the hugging is over with and they’ve both calmed down Jared’s mother gives her son a loving smile.
“I’m just so happy for you. Both of you,” she says and wipes at the corner of her eyes. “I was so worried about JT being all alone up here and now he has you, Jensen.”
“Uh…” Jensen says and throws Jared a panicked look. “We’re not…”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she dismisses with a wave of her hand. “We won’t tell anyone. Jared explained it all to us.”
“Mom!” Jared looks both sheepish and embarrassed and Jensen wonders just how much he did explain.
“It’s alright, dear. Like it’s anyone’s business anyway. Now, where should we go to celebrate?”
Jensen feels slightly dizzy. He’s not sure he can deal with coming out and eating some fancy food in front of Jared’s parents, all in the same day. “Jared?” he pleads, his voice sounding weak and pathetic.
Jared moves slightly closer, subtle but reassuring. “Jensen just had the stomach flu, mom. Don’t think he’ll be up for eating too much,” he lies and Jensen loves him so much it hurts.
“Oh, how horrible!” She gives Jensen a sympathetic look that has him squirming with guilt. “You do look rather ragged, honey. Did Jared make you chicken soup? Jared, did you make him my chicken soup?”
“Really, Mrs. Padalecki, I’m fine. Just… haven’t gotten my appetite back.” Jensen smiles. He can feel himself finally slipping into character, thank God. He can do this. “You guys go,” he continues, offering them his most charming smile. From the corner of his eye he sees Jared looking over at him, frowning. “I’m feeling rather tired anyway.”
“But we couldn’t-” she starts to object but he cuts her off with another smile and headshake.
“I insist, ma’am. Jared’s been looking so much forward to seeing you,” he adds and gives Jared his best big-brother grin. “And we all know the boy can eat.”
“Jensen, can I talk to you for a moment?” Jared grabs his arm, non-too gently, and Jensen gives Jared’s family a smile of apology and follows him out of the living room and into the bedroom. The smile drops as soon as Jared closes the door.
“What?”
Jared sighs. He looks pained and a little irritated. “Jen, that’s my family out there. You don’t have to be like that.”
“What?” he says defensive. “I’m being polite. I’m being-”
“You’re being Jensen Ackles, the actor,” Jared cuts in, “not Jensen Ackles, my boyfriend. Guess which one they traveled all the way up here to meet?”
The familiar anger fires up in his chest. “I’m being me,” he bristles. “I don’t know what the hell else you want.”
Jared rubs his eyes tiredly. Jensen tries to remind himself this hasn’t exactly been easy on Jared either, no matter how well his parents took the news. Jared’s been nervous as hell all week. Jensen knows this, he’s just having a bit of trouble concentrating at the moment. Damn, he could really use a cigarette.
“Look, I get it,” Jared sighs. “But they’re… They’re like me, okay? You don’t have to act in front of them. Just… Just be you, Jen. Trust me, they’re gonna love you.”
“Love me?” Jensen laughs coldly. “Jared, they just met me. Their son’s first fucking boyfriend. It’s one thing them knowing I’m paranoid about the whole g- g-” Fuck. “About us. I’m not gonna dump my whole goddamn miserable life story on them.”
Jared just looks at him patiently. “I’m not saying that. God, Jen, you really think I expect you to bare your soul within five minutes of meeting them? I’ve known you for over a year and I feel privileged as hell that you trust me enough to tell me anything!”
“Then what?” Jensen asks angry. “What do you want? What do you want, man? I can’t… I don’t know what the hell you want from me!” He doesn’t realize he’s shaking until Jared grabs him by the shoulders, thumbs rubbing at his neck. Fuck. He only just keeps from shrugging Jared off. This is not the time for this. His parents are in the next room, for Christ’s sake!
“I just want you to believe that they would never judge you, no more than I do.” Jared smiles, his eyes soft and a little sad. “It’s okay to not be perfect, Jen. It’s okay to be nervous and shy. It’s okay to be you.”
Jensen lets out a shuddering breath, his anger fading. “I’m not gonna start crying again,” he huffs and Jared laughs softly.
“Okay, deal. But if you feel like it my mama’s got more tissues in her bag.”
Jensen bites his smile back, his face heating. “Fuck you.”
“Later.” Jared smiles. “C’mon.” He slides one arm around Jensen’s shoulders, leading him back into the living room where the Padaleckis sit patiently on the couch, waiting for them.
“Everything alright?” Sherri asks concerned and they nod simultaneously, bringing the smile back to her face. “So… dinner? What do you feel up to, Jensen? And don’t say you’re not coming with, we’re celebrating both of you.”
He opens his mouth to argue but is met with a pair of puppy eyes that show clearly where Jared got his powers from. “I…” He falters. He’s got to eat soon anyway although he can’t remember what’s on the schedule. “Jared?”
“Seafood should be fine,” Jared offers and Jensen breathes out.
“Well, how ‘bout that?” Jared’s dad says and claps his hands enthusiastically. “Those Canadians do decent fish?”
“Fantastic trout,” Jared says with such confidence Jensen wonders if he’s done research on it. Their fish dinners usually consist of salmon thrown on the grill or fish fingers if Jared’s being lazy. Jensen is still having trouble cooking. Something Dr Stevens assures him will get better. Until then he’s happy to watch Jared fumble his way through it, wearing the flowery apron his mother gave him and smudging butter across his nose.
The restaurant is nice. Subtly lit with discreet booths and quiet waiters. Jared and Jensen sit on one side with Jared’s parents opposite. Jensen pretends to read his menu, Jared suggests pouched lemon trout and he agrees with a nod, closing the menu thankfully. He looks up to find Jared’s mom watching him, looking mildly intrigued but when he catches her eye she just smiles.
They keep to a light conversation during dinner. Jensen parts the pink meat into small flakes, eating slowly and meticulously, swallowing it down with water when it threatens to get stuck in his throat. All the while he can feel Sherri’s eyes on him, studying him. He squirms. Jared’s hand lands on his thigh under the table, squeezing it lightly, and breathing becomes a little easier.
After their dishes have been cleared off the table Jared’s dad suggests dessert and everyone lights up except Jensen.
“Oh, sundae!” Sherri exclaims enthusiastically. “Or are you boys more in the mood for some chocolate cake? Jensen, what do you say? How’s your stomach feeling?”
Jared tenses beside him. “Mom, I think maybe Jensen-”
Jensen grabs Jared’s hand under the table. “Mrs. Padalecki,” he says before he has time to think through what the fuck he’s doing. “I’m not really ill. Well, not with the stomach flu. It’s just… I have a strict diet plan to follow.”
She looks bewildered. “You’re on a diet? Why? Is this some kind of Hollywood thing?” she teases.
Jared shakes his head. “Mom, no.” He turns to Jensen, looking worried and guilty. “Jen, you don’t have to…”
Jensen tightens his grip on Jared’s hand. “No, ma’am,” he says, his voice a little stronger. “It’s a bulimic thing. I have bulimia.”
Everyone goes absolutely silent. Jared’s dad blinks. “Isn’t that…?”
“It’s an eating disorder,” Jensen says. He has no idea why he’s telling them this. Jesus. “I’m dealing with it, it’s just… It’s a slow process.”
“Oh sweetie,” Sherri says as she reaches for his hand across the table, patting it kindly. “Of course it is. I’m a teacher, hon. I’ve seen the most promising students fall victims to this horrible, horrible disease. But I’ve also seen them rise above it and become the stars they were always meant to be. Just like you.”
He stares at her. Something hitches in his chest. He’s in the middle of a goddamn restaurant for fuck’s sake. “Jared?” he pleads.
“We’re gonna…” Jared mutters and pulls Jensen along with him out of the booth, “go over there and make out a little.”
Jensen can feel hysterical laughter bubbling up in his chest and has to clench his jaw to stop it from becoming a sob. He keeps the smile on his face until they’re in the restroom, door closed behind them, and then he sinks down on the floor, hiding his head in his hands.
“Oh God.”
“Jen…” Jared says softly.
“I’m sorry.”
“Dude, no.” Jared sits down beside him, arm around his shoulders, and pulls him in. “You didn’t have to do that but you did and I’m so proud of you.”
“I don’t know why I did it,” Jensen whispers. “Jesus. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“My mom has that effect on people,” Jared tells him and laughs a little. “One look and she has the bullies crying on her shoulder and the toughest jock writing her poetry. It’s just the way she is.”
Jensen swallows. “You are so lucky.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean, you’re so goddamn lucky,” Jensen says, his voice breaking. “I hate you for it. Just a little bit.”
“I know,” Jared says and then he kisses him. Just tilts Jensen’s face up and kisses him, right there in the restroom, where someone might walk in on them any minute and Jensen simply kisses him back because hell, he just came out to more people in one day than he has in his whole life and in the enormity of that kissing in a semi-public place doesn’t really seem such a big deal.
Even after he’s pushed Jared away they stay there on the floor, Jensen hunched over with Jared’s long arms around him, holding him while he concentrates on his breathing and tries not to think about Jared’s parents waiting outside and what they must be thinking. His face feels hot and itchy and his eyes burn behind the contacts.
“We should get back out there,” he finally says, clearing his throat when his voice comes out all choked and hoarse. “Your parents...”
“Are probably eating their desserts really slowly so we have time to talk,” Jared says calmly, not making any signs of moving. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried,” Jensen mumbles which is such a blatant lie he can’t even blame Jared for snorting. “Shut up. I just... You were right.”
“I’m always right,” Jared says ligthly. “What was I right about this time?”
“Telling them.” He swallows. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you to lie to them. That was a real douchy thing to do.”
“Stop being stupid,” Jared says affectionately and kisses him on the temple. “I’m sorry for yanking you out of the closet. And forcing you to eat with them. And making out with you with my parents in the next room.”
Jensen laughs shakily. “Not making out. Just kissing.”
Jared grins. “I know. I was talking about what I’m gonna do to you tonight after they’ve gone to bed.”
Jensen elbows him. “Haha, funny.”
Jared smirks.
“Shut up, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t-” Jensen's eyes widen. “Jared, are you insane? I’m not gonna... No!” Jared wriggles his eyebrows and Jensen can’t help it, he starts laughing. “No. Stop it. God, I hate you.”
“Oh, you love me,” Jared says with a grin and well, Jensen can’t really argue with that. And later when they’re in bed and he can hear the murmur of Jared’s parents talking just across the hall and Jared slips a hand up his thigh Jensen doesn’t shove him away. He just keeps very, very quiet.
fin