Fic: The Story of Our Life (It Starts Right Here). A "Doors" timestamp. RPS. AU J2. PG-13
I feel like I should put a "Toothache Hazard!!" warning on this...
Title: The Story of Our Life (It Starts Right Here) (A timestamp for The Doors of Time)
Author: felisblanco
Pairing/people: Jensen/Jared, Chris
Wordcount: 6877 words
Rating: PG-13, I think
Summary:
Jensen smiles. “Yes.”
“Exactly!” Jared flails. “I just…” He pauses. “What?”
Jensen laughs and squeezes Jared’s hand. He thinks he might fly right off the couch if he doesn’t hold on tight. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll marry you.”
Jared is staring at him, looking a little dazed. “You will?”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” He’s smiling so wide the brightness hurts his eyes. “Jared, it’s you. And us. Yes. Yes!”
Author’s note: Written for alienat for her generous bid at the help_queensland auction. I hope it comes at least close to what you were hoping for. *hugs*
Takes place in the year after the epilogue of Part 2 of The Doors of Time. Read over by winchesterxgirl and beta’d by beelikej and candygramme. Thank you, girls!
Spring break (or midterm recess) at Juilliard is actually at the end of February to mid March, which is a bit early in the year for this story. Let’s just pretend it’s later, okay?
Title (slightly altered) from Thank You by Dikta.
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
Robert Fulghum
The last note lingers, a barely there vibration that tickles his fingers as it slowly fades away. He sits back, eyes still closed, fingers resting lightly on the keyboard. Breathes in, breathes out, the music settling over his heart like a warm, reassuring blanket. He feels… if not exactly braver then at least more resolute. Yes. He can do this. It’s-
“Hey.”
It’s too soft to startle him, but his heart speeds up just the same as he opens his eyes and meets the obscure reflection in the glossy surface of the piano. The smile is automatic, instant. He stands up, gently closing the lid before turning around.
“Hi.”
Jensen stands leaning against the doorframe, smiling softly, as if he’s been there a while, watching, listening. It makes Jared blush a little, feeling self-conscious the way he always does when it’s just him playing. When he’s not following Jensen’s lead.
He’s mediocre at best, he knows that. No matter what Jensen might have seen all those years ago that made him think Jared would be magnificent, either it had nothing to do with music, or, just as likely, it all got fucked up when Jensen was taken away. It makes Jared sad sometimes, when he allows himself to think about it. More because he knows Jensen wanted this so much for him than because he feels cheated out of something that should have been his.
“You’re home early,” he points out, apologetic. He might live here now but to him this will always be Jensen’s room, and it feels awkward being caught in it uninvited.
“I am?” Jensen says surprised. He frowns, looking unsure and then a little panicked; clearly searching his memory for reasons he shouldn’t be home already. A meeting he forgot, or a class he accidentally walked out on. It wouldn’t be the first time. His eyes flicker, eyelids blinking rapidly. His fingers twitch by his side.
Jared crosses the room and puts a stop to those thoughts the best way he knows how. His fingers in Jensen’s hair, his lips claiming Jensen’s mouth. It’s hot in contrast to Jensen’s cool skin, the tongue almost feverish. The base of Jensen’s skull is damp with sweat, hair flat from the woolen hat he’d been wearing moments before. One inhale tells Jared all he needs to know. Under the stink of New York traffic there’s a distinct smell of college. Of packed lunches and bad coffee, damp sneakers and hormonal youth. It’s a familiar smell but one that’s usually been brushed out of Jensen’s hair by the time he makes it home.
Jared pulls back, licking the taste of late winter and stale coffee off his lips. “No park today?” he asks with a smile. It’s a rare occurrence when Jensen doesn’t linger there for at least an hour before heading home.
Jensen relaxes in his arms. He laughs softly, relieved. “I was thinking of you here,” he says. “I must have come straight over.”
Jared gives him a smug smile. “I beat the park? Well, score one for me.”
“You always beat the park,” Jensen says simply then adds with a grin, “The park doesn’t give me blowjobs.”
“It better not,” Jared growls and drags a laughing Jensen into the bedroom.
Later Jared makes them chicken salad and heats up garlic bread for dinner while Jensen sits by the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee and chatting absently about everything and nothing. It’s a nice and comforting moment of normalcy, until Jensen goes off track, his eyes turning vacant, his voice wistful.
“I miss him,” he sighs and he’s gone, back to before that night in the bar, before LA and Jared and them. Sounding tired and lonely and hopeless as he tells a phantom Chris about a Jared he remembers and longs for but has momentarily forgotten is already here.
Jared briefly closes his eyes before putting down the knife on the cutting board. He walks over, carefully schooling his features into a relaxed expression before kissing Jensen on the top of his head. Jensen looks up, blinks, smiles, and just like that he’s back, never even realizing he’d been gone.
Jared smiles as well, casual, easy. Like there isn’t a knot in his stomach twisting up all his intestines. He kisses Jensen again, on the lips this time, lingering a moment or two because this is more important than dinner; but not too long because it doesn’t do to get distracted again. He leaves Jensen looking flushed and happy and already on to his next subject of conversation, and returns to cutting a tomato into impossibly thin slices.
He thinks, This. Because of this. And so many other things.
He adds some roasted pine nuts, just because.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
“Jensen?”
Jensen hums. There are stars on the living room ceiling, dancing like fireflies. Twinkle, twinkle. Jensen wiggles his fingers. The stars dance along, constellations entwining like weed in water.
Jensen smiles as his head relaxes into the soft cushion of Jared’s lap. Jared makes a comforting sound, his fingers running gently through Jensen’s hair, and Jensen thinks about falling asleep like this. He loves sleeping with Jared. They always have the most amazing dreams.
Jared is saying something, his fingers stopping for a moment before continuing to weave through Jensen’s hair. “Last week.”
Jensen nods, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. He’s not really listening. He moves his fingers again. The stars shift and line up, until they spell Jared’s name in bright, sparkling letters. Jensen flicks his eyes to Jared, grinning, but Jared isn’t paying attention. He’s staring at the TV, face smoothed and blank. He smells like oranges.
Jensen frowns. He backtracks, trying to remember what they were talking about. He can’t.
“Sorry, what did you say?” he asks, bumping his head playfully against Jared’s stomach. “I missed that.”
Jared glances down, smiling good-humoredly, as if he’d expected as much. “My dad called,” he repeats. “He was asking about spring break. If maybe we could come visit.”
The tone is calm enough but the stomach muscles pressing against Jensen’s ear have gone rock-hard, like Jared is holding his breath. The orange scent turns more citric. Lime rather than lemon but still. Disturbing. It stings Jensen’s nose.
“Okay,” Jensen says. He’s not sure what’s going on. He thought Jared’s parents were all right with the two of them being together. Or maybe that was just Jared’s mother. Was it? He can’t remember. “Sure. It’s been a while since you’ve seen him, right? You must miss him.”
“Three years,” Jared answers absently. “And yeah, I do.” He falls silent again, fingers tugging at Jensen’s hair. “He lives in Vancouver, you know,” he finally says, tensing even further. “Canada.”
“I know. I remember. Hey,” Jensen says, poking Jared playfully in the ribs, “I’ll be fine. Vienna took nine hours each way. I can easily handle flying to Vancouver.”
Jared looks a little surprised, like he hadn’t even thought of that. “Of course you can,” he says, giving Jensen a small smile. “That’s not… I was just thinking. If we’re going to Canada…” He stops, teeth digging into his lower lip.
“You want to go fishing?” Jensen suggests with a smile, even if that doesn’t seem like something Jared would be nervous about. “We can do that. I’ve never gone fishing, you know, except inside my head. It’s nice as long as I don’t actually catch anything. Not sure I could kill a fish. I mean, I like eating it as long as I don’t have to be the one to-”
“I want to get married.”
The words are rushed, forceful, like water breaking a dam. The stars start moving, twirling around and around. Faster, faster. A vortex of light on their ceiling. Jensen blinks. He feels dizzy. Like he’s falling.
“You want to get married?” he repeats dumbly. “To whom?”
Jared seems to choke on his breath. He stares at Jensen, hurt in his eyes. “To whom? To you, you idiot.” He closes his eyes and sighs. “Okay. This is not how I meant to do this.”
“You want to marry me?” Jensen asks, dazed. “Why?”
Jared laughs but it sounds forced. “You know, I might suck at proposing, but you officially suck at being proposed to. Why? Why not?”
Jensen slowly sits up. It’s one thing to be nervous but Jared smells scared. Scared and sad and angry. Like a child’s bike left twisted on a wet road. Jensen must be missing something. He takes Jared’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the slightly sweaty palm. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Well, my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me,” Jared says sarcastically, his voice trembling a little. “That’s pretty crappy.”
Jensen shakes his head. “I never said I didn’t want to marry you. I just want to know why you’re-”
“Well, why the hell do people get married?” Jared shoots back. “Love. Commitment. To get the fucking Green Card.”
“We don’t need a Green Card,” Jensen says. “We’re both born here.” He tries for a smile.
“I was talking to Susan,” Jared continues in a tight angry voice. “She has a gay uncle. Sixty-five-years old, he just lost his partner of thirty years to cancer. She said…” He shudders. “Do you know that if something happens to you I don’t have any rights? We don’t have any rights. If you were dying in a hospital they could legally forbid me to be by your side. Like I was a fucking stranger. Because I’m not family.”
Jensen blinks. He hadn’t known that. Never thought about anything like that. “But… nothing is going to happen to me. I never get sick. I can’t get hurt… Okay, maybe if a car hits me but-”
“What if a car hits you? Or what if a car hits me? What if I get sick? Then I could be the one dying alone. Or what if we have kids? I know you said you didn’t want any but maybe some day we decide we want to adopt or something? I don’t want someone else taking our kids if something happens to me. And what if we want to buy property? We’d have to-”
Jensen smiles. “Yes.”
“Exactly!” Jared flails. “I just…” He pauses. “What?”
Jensen laughs and squeezes Jared’s hand. He thinks he might fly right off the couch if he doesn’t hold on tight. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll marry you.”
Jared is staring at him, looking a little dazed. “You will?”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” He’s smiling so wide the brightness hurts his eyes. “Jared, it’s you. And us. Yes. Yes!”
Jared breaks out into a smile. “God, thank you!” He grabs a hold of Jensen’s neck, kissing him hard, and Jensen laughs into his mouth. “Sorry. You got me worried there for a while. Okay. I… Okay. So… Spring break?”
Jensen grins. Look at Jared being all flustered. It’s adorable. “Sure. Yeah. Is that enough time?”
“I don’t know,” Jared says, looking stressed again. “I think so. I mean, it’s not like there’s much to arrange, we’re just signing the papers but… yeah. I’ll make some calls.” He nods, smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.”
Jensen nods as well. His fingers twitch. His chest feels a little heavy.
Jared grabs the remote and turns off the TV before standing up. “I need to call my dad,” he says, already reaching for his phone.
Jensen sits still on the couch. He bites his lower lip. Then he gets up and walks into the studio, closing the door quietly behind him.
This calls for some Brahms.
Johannes Brahms - Intermezzo in a minor op.116 / VHÓ (4:12)
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
Jared sits back on the couch, long fingers rubbing at his eyes. His head hurts. Who knew it was such a hassle to get married? You’d think he was planning an actual wedding, and not just a short, simple ceremony involving the two of them and the commissioner. God, the bureaucracy of the whole thing is insane!
“You sure about this, son?” his dad had asked, sounding wary and uncomfortable, and Jared had to bite the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t yell at the man that of course he’s sure! He wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t fucking sure!
His mother had just gone quiet when he’d told her there was no need for her to travel all the way up to Vancouver.
“It’s not that kind of wedding,” he’d explained, feeling stressed out and twitchy. “It’s just a formality.” When she still hadn’t said anything he’d joked, “Hey, Megan is bound to marry eventually. Just… cry for the both of us at her wedding.”
She hadn’t laughed, just sighed and said, “If that’s what you want, sweetie. If that’s what you both want.”
“It is.”
Jared sighs. She doesn’t understand. None of them do. It’s about safety. About keeping Jensen safe in a world that doesn’t and never will understand him, and what he is. Just because Jensen lives in his own world doesn’t mean the law and rules of this world don’t apply to him. Not everything can be fixed with magic and music. Someone needs to be the practical one. Someone needs to think of these things.
Jared sits up with a groan and checks the list once more. License, birth certificates, photo IDs. Passports. Dad and Dad’s present girlfriend - Julia her name is, Jared reminds himself - will be witnesses. He’s booked a hotel (because, frankly, the idea of having sex - marital or otherwise - in his father’s house, freaks him out), bought the plane tickets, hired a car. He’s picking up the rings on Thursday. Their suits from the cleaner tomorrow. He’s made lists of what to pack.
It still feels like he’s forgetting something.
God, he wishes Chris were here but he won’t be back from visiting his folks until the day after tomorrow and anyway, this doesn’t feel like something they should discuss over the phone. He knows Jensen has been talking to Chris, they talk almost every day, but Jared hasn’t asked Jensen what Chris thinks of all this. If there was a problem he’s sure he’d been let know, loud and clear.
Jared’s stomach rumbles and he stands up, stretching his spine with a groan. He can hear Jensen in the studio, playing something soft and eerie. He’s been in there a lot lately. Normally it would have Jared worried but every time he goes to check on him, Jensen greets him with a smile and a kiss, squeezing his hand and looking like Jared just being there is the greatest gift he could have wished for.
Jared takes the lasagna out of the oven then opens a bottle of white wine before going to knock on Jensen’s door. The music stops and when Jared peeks inside Jensen is already on his feet and walking towards him, looking flushed and eyes a little glazed over. The room smells of roses and something sweet, like vanilla. Ice cream, maybe?
“Dinner’s ready,” Jared tells him, feeling the tension of the last couple of hours drain away at the sight of Jensen smiling up at him. He makes to turn back but Jensen grabs his arm and pulls him in, pressing his lip to Jared’s cheek, then just stands there, one hand on Jared’s hip, breath hot on his throat.
“You’re so good to me,” he says, words vibrating against Jared’s skin. He sounds so amazed that Jared feels a little uneasy. Of course Jared is good to him. Why wouldn’t he be?
“Just until we’re married,” he jokes. “After that it’s all junk food and doing your own laundry, mister.”
Jensen laughs but it sounds a little off. Distant, like his mind is a million miles away. Jared lets it go for now. They both have so much to think about. It’s normal to be a little distracted.
“You wanna watch a movie later?” he asks instead as he gently pulls away and steers Jensen out of the room and toward the kitchen.
Jensen nods. “Sure. You pick.” He looks up, eyes unreadable. “Something not too heavy.”
Jared tightens his hold around Jensen’s shoulders. Funny the way Jensen sometimes feels so small in his arms. “You’ve got it.”
They eat in comfortable silence and then Jensen cleans up while Jared calls his dad to confirm their time of arrival. Only four more days.
Jensen falls asleep halfway through watching The Princess Bride. His head lolls to the side until it comes to rest on Jared’s shoulder. He mumbles something in his sleep, brow creasing. Jared lets him sleep, his own mind a million miles away. By the time he rouses the movie is over and there’s a rabbit sitting on the coffee table, twitching its nose at him. The couch is covered in soft moss, there are trees blocking the view to the kitchen and somewhere in the distance he can hear bells ring.
Jared smiles and gently shakes Jensen awake. As they make their way through the slowly fading forest Jared tries to remember if he left the kitchen window open. Oh well, it wouldn’t be the first time they gave their neighbors a small taste of magic.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
Chris looks angry, he smells angry, like sulfur and Shostakovish, and Jensen feels completely lost. “What?”
“Let me get this straight,” Chris says in a tight voice. “You are going to Canada this weekend to get married, and you’re just telling me now?”
“It didn’t feel like something I should tell you on the phone. And we’re going to Canada to visit Jared’s dad,” Jensen corrects. “It makes sense to get married while we’re there.”
“While you’re…” Chris stares at him. “You’re not buying a goddamn car!”
Jensen frowns. “Why would we buy a car?”
“Jensen,” Chris says. His voice is low but there’s a vein pounding at his temple, all purple and angry. “You’re getting married. To Jared. The love of your fucking life. The man you waited ten fucking years for. It’s a huge fucking deal!”
“It’s an amazing deal,” Jensen specifies with a smile. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“Exactly! It’s your dream. Jensen, it’s your dream come true. Jesus!” Chris runs his fingers through his hair and Jensen can see sparks fly from his fingertips, that’s how upset he is. “Why are you doing this? This is not what you want!”
“Of course it’s what I want,” Jensen says, feeling increasingly bewildered and frankly a little annoyed. “I just told you.”
“To marry Jared in some courtroom?” Chris says incredulous. “With no friends, no family, nothing? Just sign some papers like you’re signing a fucking contract? That is what you want?”
Oh. That.
Jensen smiles. “Chris, I’m marrying Jared. Jared. Jared who I thought I’d lost to someone else. But I didn’t. He’s here. And he wants to be here, with me, for the rest of his life.”
He takes Chris’s hand in his and gives it a light squeeze, only a little embarrassed by the tears he knows are showing in his eyes. “It is my dream come true. And I couldn’t be more grateful.”
Chris stares at him. He opens his mouth then closes it again. “Right,” he finally says, voice strained. “As long as you’re happy.”
Jensen smiles at him. “I am. Of course I am.”
Chris gives him a brief smile back and nods, looking distracted. Jensen follows his gaze out the window. The clouds shuffle awkwardly aside to let through a pale beam of sunlight.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
The bell above the door pings and Jared puts down his notebook with a disgruntled sigh before turning to the counter, tired smile pasted on his face. “What can I… Oh, hey-”
He jerks back from the finger jabbed in his face. “What the…?”
“You!” Chris spits out. He looks absolutely murderous. “Are such a fucking moron!”
Jared blinks, taken aback. “What? What did I do?”
“What did you do? What did you do?” Chris throws up his hands. “Oh, I don’t know. How about… You’re marrying Jensen!”
“Yes?” Jared frowns. “Wait, he hadn’t told you? We decided three weeks ago.”
“You decided? Or you decided?” Chris sneers, poking Jared hard in the chest. It fucking hurts.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jared says, starting to feel pretty pissed off himself. “Yes, I asked him. He said yes. What’s your problem?”
“My problem? My problem? I don’t have a fucking problem,” Chris yells. “I’m not the one being a stupid inconsiderate asshole!”
The early morning rush is over and there’s an hour left to lunch, but there are still a few customers lingering over their coffee cups who look up, startled by the noise.
“Chris, calm down,” Jared hisses.
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I can’t believe you. What the fuck is wrong with you? How… how the hell can you do this to him?” Chris pinches his lips shut and shakes his head. There are actual tears in his eyes and Jared’s anger dissipates, just like that.
“Dude. Come on,” he says and moves around the counter, taking Chris by the elbow and steering him to sit down in one of the booths. Chris slumps like a sack of coal, like his heart is just too heavy to hold his chest up. It’s goddamn frightening.
“Okay, talk,” Jared says, sitting down on the bench opposite. “Why am I an asshole? What did I do?”
Chris shakes his head again. He looks so upset that for a moment Jared can’t help wondering if maybe he wanted to marry Jensen. There have been times when…
No. The Chris Jared knows would never say anything if that was the case. He certainly wouldn’t be shouting it out for half of New York to hear. This is something else.
“Jared,” Chris says in a tired voice that makes him sound a hundred years old. “You’re marrying Jensen.”
“Yes, I am,” Jared confirms calmly. “Why are you angry?”
“You. Are marrying. Jensen. Jensen!” Chris gazes at him, eyes still a little wet and filled with emotion. Jared just wishes he knew what emotion. “Don’t you get it?”
“Okay, I know it’s sudden,” Jared admits, just to say something. “But I just… I’m worried, okay? I want to make sure he’s secure. That he has security, financial and legal and-”
“Jared!” Chris cuts him off, sounding exasperated. “You’re marrying Jensen. You are getting married. You and Jensen are getting married.”
Jared waits, not sure what else he’s supposed to say.
“Son,” Chris says, which Jared rather resents because it’s not like Chris is that much older. “Listen to me.”
“I am. You just keep repeating the same-”
“Listen! Jensen…” Chris shakes his head. “Fuck, kid, Jensen loves you more than anyone in the world. He always has. He waited for you for ten years. Two of which were spent in a hellhole where you were the only thing that kept him sane. Then you finally show up and it turns out he doesn’t fit into your life at all.” He waves off Jared’s protests before he can even voice them. “Yeah, I know, you two worked it out and all, but at the time… I wasn’t sure he’d make it. You kept breaking his heart, Jared, over and over again. Shattering his dreams, ripping away the only thing that had kept him going all those years. He was so sure he’d lost you that he revised his vision of the future into one where he was alone and unloved. Because if he couldn’t have you he was never gonna have anyone. Two years ago, that was how he saw his future. And now… Now you two are getting married! Married!” Chris’s jaw tightens. “In some shitty little courtroom in fucking Canada.”
Jared stares at him. His stomach lurches. “Shit,” he whispers.
Chris breathes out. “Finally. Yes! Shit.”
“Shit. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Jared runs his fingers through his hair in panic, tugging at it until it hurts. “I didn’t… God. Is he angry? Is he…. Shit!”
Chris just looks at him like he’s stupid. Which, admittedly, all evidence points at being true.
“No, Jared,” he says patiently. “Jensen is not angry. Jensen is happy. Because you know what? Marrying you? It’s his ‘dream come true’. He’s so grateful he’s walking on clouds.”
Jared winces. Grateful?
“I didn’t think,” he says in a low voice. “I just… I was afraid. I was afraid if something happened to him or me, that we wouldn’t… That…” He takes a deep breath. “So he wanted a real wedding? That’s what… Is that…? Shit.”
Chris sighs. “He just wants you. He wants to marry you. Because he loves you. Not because it gives him security but because he wants to be married. To you. Remember? You and him, side by side on some fucking bench, growing old and wrinkled together? Remember that one? It’s been his fantasy since he was eighteen years old. And if this is how he gets it, so be it. Would be nice if there was a romantic reason for it rather than just a legal one, but hey, you can’t get everything, right?” His voice drips with sarcasm.
Jared closes his eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
Chris sits silent for a moment. “Okay,” he finally says, “I’m no expert on relationships or romance or whatever but as a start, how about you actually propose to him? Like, properly. Preferably on your knees, boy.”
Jared blinks his eyes open.
Chris is smiling, eyebrows raised.
Jared licks his lips. Tries for a smile. “I… I can do that,” he says. “Yeah.”
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
“Just try it a bit more… pink,” Jared hears Jensen say as the door opens. “This is Mozart, early period. It’s very pink. You can even throw in some glitter. Yes, that… Try that. I know, I know, but try it, you’ll be surprised.”
Jared gives the bewildered student an encouraging smile as he enters the hallway. “Think light, frivolous, almost childish,” he suggests in a low voice. “Fairytales.”
The young man blinks up at him dazed, before hurrying away without a word.
Jared shakes his head and grins. Once, feeling curious, he’d searched the student chat forums and ran across a long discussion about the different interpretations of Jensen’s ‘metaphors’. His students clearly love him but most of the time they haven’t got a clue what he’s talking about. And still they graduate at the top of their class, every year.
Jensen is humming a happy tune - the Mozart in question, Jared guesses - as he gathers up the sheet music. When Jared clears his throat Jensen looks up, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree.
“Jared!” The sheet music flutters to the floor as Jensen drops everything and practically throws himself into Jared’s arms. He laughs, light and happy. “What are you doing here?”
“Got off early.” Jared cups Jensen’s face, thumb stroking lightly over the dimple of his smile before leaning down for a kiss. Jensen tastes of bitter coffee and nothing else and Jared wonders if he once again forgot to eat lunch. He does look a little pale.
“Thought I’d walk my pretty boy home,” Jared murmurs against Jensen’s lips, his own twisting into a suggestive smirk.
Jensen smiles, cheeks turning a little pink. “I’d like that. Oh, can we walk through the park? I saw daffodils yesterday. And there were unicorns this morning.” He sighs wistfully. “I wish you could see them. They always look their brightest in spring.”
He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world, seeing unicorns in the middle of New York, and Jared can’t help smiling. “Park it is,” he says easily, since that was his plan all along.
Jensen hugs him tighter, his breath warm on Jared’s neck. “Thank you,” he says softly. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
Jared closes his eyes. He can hear it now, the grateful, almost reverent tone in Jensen’s voice, and it makes him cringe. Makes him want to fall to his knees right on the spot and beg Jensen to please, please forgive him for being so damn stupid.
“C’mon,” he says instead and steers Jensen to where his coat hangs by the door. “We can stop and get you something to eat on the way. Have a spring picnic in the park. You got your scarf? Gloves?”
“Yes, mom,” Jensen scoffs as he puts them on but he’s smiling, looking absolutely delighted at having Jared fuss over him and once again Jared feels that sting in the pit of his belly. When did this happen? How could he have let it happen? How did he not even notice this was going on?
They buy sandwiches and coffee then walk through the park in the surprisingly mild weather. Jensen is right, there are spring flowers already peeking through the dry earth. It’s early in the year but who knows, Jensen might not have anything to do with it. Possibly. Jared doesn’t spot any unicorns but it’s not as if he would. One or both of them would have to be asleep for that.
He steers Jensen discreetly down Azalea Walk, distracting him with questions about the different kinds of flora, an easy thing to do since it’s one of Jensen’s favorite subjects. Once Jared finds a secluded enough bench he sits Jensen down, nodding his head absently to Jensen’s enthusiastic tale of water lilies and fairies. Not like it’s the first time he’s heard it, nor will it be the last. Jensen forgets things faster than he remembers them.
Jared takes Jensen’s hand in his, turning the palm up and running his fingers across the strong lines as he tries to remember which one is the lifeline. Wonders if Jensen’s looks any different than his own. Longer. Stronger. More interesting. Maybe. He’s not sure.
“What are you doing?” Jensen laughs, his thumb twitching from the slight tickle.
Jared doesn’t answer. He lifts Jensen’s hand to his lips and kisses first the palm, then the fingertips, one by one, then presses his lips to the wrist, feeling Jensen’s pulse quicken under the thin skin. When he looks up again Jensen is watching him, looking unsure and nervous, like he can tell something is up. He probably can. Jared must stink with it.
“When you went away,” Jared says, keeping his eyes steady on Jensen, “it hit me pretty hard. It got bad. Like… needed medication bad.”
He’s never told Jensen this. Partly out of embarrassment but mostly because he knew this is how Jensen would react: Eyes wide, face pale, reality cracking around him like an eggshell.
“I’m sorry,” he says, sounding broken and guilty and all the things Jared never wanted him to feel. “Jared, I… I never meant for that to happen. God, I’m so sorry.”
Jared squeezes his hand, holding Jensen’s gaze when it threatens to slip away. “It doesn’t matter, Jen,” he says firmly. “That’s not what matters. What matters is… I couldn’t shake it off. I mean, I didn’t need the meds anymore and I functioned okay, but I wasn’t… I was just drifting. It wasn’t a bad life, it was just… It felt off. Everything was off. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Why I was all wrong. Until I found you again.”
He smiles as Jensen’s eyes light up the way they always do when he’s reminded of the fact that Jared is here now, is his now.
“My life now?” Jared continues. “It’s not perfect. There’s stuff I don’t like about myself. I miss my family. I feel guilty about Sandy. I’m still not sure college is really the right thing for me.”
He lifts his hand when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “But. It’s okay, I’ll deal with it. I’ll figure it out the way everyone figures these things out. Because since I found you, since we found each other… since we became us,” he squeezes Jensen’s hand, “life is right again. You made it right again.”
Jensen looks down, face flushed, teeth digging into his lip as he tries to restrain his smile.
“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you,” Jared says softly when Jensen finally manages to meet his gaze again. “I never will. It’s just you, Jensen. It will always be you. So…”
With his heart hammering in his chest Jared slips off the bench and onto one knee, still holding Jensen’s hand in his.
“What are you-” Jensen starts, eyes wide.
“Jensen, I know I’m kind of an idiot and sometimes I screw up what should be the most simple thing but…” Jared takes a deep breath. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. In sickness and in health. For better as much as for worse. I just… I want you, Jensen.”
He pulls the small box out of his pocket and flips the lid open with his thumb, never letting go of Jensen’s hand. “Will you please marry me?”
Jensen stares at the box. He stares at Jared. He looks utterly bewildered. “I… Yes. Of course I will. We already decided… Jared, are those cufflinks? Why are you giving me cufflinks?”
Jared blushes. “Well, I was gonna give you a diamond ring but Chris said even you weren’t that gay.”
He feels relieved when Jensen chuckles although he still looks baffled. “I just thought they’d go well with your tux.”
“But I don’t have a tux,” Jensen points out.
“You’d rather get married in a dress?” Jared asks, smiling, and Jensen laughs again.
“No, stupid. We’re wearing suits, remember? You had them cleaned.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work,” Jared says, shaking his head. “If we just wear suits how will anyone be able to tell the grooms apart from the guests?”
Jensen blinks. “Guests?”
Jared laughs. “You really didn’t understand a thing of what I was trying to do here, did you? With the whole proposal thing?”
He stands up, pulling Jensen along, until they’re facing each other, Jared holding Jensen’s hands in his.
“I couldn’t find a church with such short notice,” he admits, “but I did find a minister, and Dad says we can have the wedding at his house. It’s big, and if the weather is fine, which I think we can guarantee, we can move the whole thing out into the back yard. Apparently Julia loves weddings, and she promised to get all her friends to help decorate. Mom is taking care of the food, Chris will handle the music… Just at the reception. Don’t worry, Danneel has offered to play her violin at the actual ceremony. Mac said she’d walk you down the aisle if you wanted but I thought maybe we could just walk together?” he finishes, smiling hopefully and mentally crossing his fingers that Jensen doesn’t notice the non-mention of his mother.
“Mac?” Jensen is staring at him. He looks shaken, choked up. “Mac is coming? But… I don’t understand. I thought… What’s going on?”
Jared takes Jensen’s face in his hands, catching the tears at the corners of his eyes with the pads of his thumbs before leaning in and kissing Jensen softly on the lips.
“What’s going on,” he says gently, “is that I messed up. I went about this the completely wrong way, because I’m a fucking moron. God, Jensen, I love you so much. So damn much. That’s why I want to marry you. I want to be married to you, for the rest of our lives, because I love you.”
“I know you love me,” Jensen says quietly. “That’s why you wanted to make sure we could always be together. That we were safe. You told me.”
Jared smiles. “Well, I’m an idiot. That’s like… a bonus. Like a wedding gift from the amazing country of Canada. You don’t get married for the presents! You get married because you want to celebrate love and commitment and, and… everything! With friends, and family, and music, and flowers, and cake, and dancing and…” He breathes out. “Whatever else you want, Jensen. Anything. I mean, it’s our wedding! It should be amazing. It should be the most amazing day of our lives.”
“I didn’t mind not… I really didn’t mind,” Jensen says. He’s shaking a little. “I just wanted you. I was happy enough just having you.”
“I don’t want you to be ‘happy enough’,” Jared tells him with a smile. “I want you to be so damn happy you break the sun out of the clouds, and pull all the flowers out of the earth, and summon all the birds in the sky and just basically freak out every single person in Canada with your magic flying off the charts the moment I put that ring on your finger. That’s how happy I want you to be.”
“I think I’m getting there,” Jensen says. He’s smiling now, still looking dazed, like he just can’t believe this is happening. “Floral explosion coming up any minute.”
“Bring it on,” Jared says and kisses him.
It barely hits a ten feet radius but that’s okay. They’re saving the big one for later.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
They fly to Vancouver on a Friday, which leaves them only one day to spare before the wedding. Jensen keeps glancing at Jared to make sure he isn’t stressing out, considering how wound up he’s been the last few weeks. But Jared is all smiles and giddy laughs, like a kid at Christmas. He doesn’t even seem to care that he forgot to pack his nice shoes and is forced to walk Jensen down the aisle wearing his old flip-flops.
Mac cries. Jared’s mother and sister cry. Jensen might cry a little himself but he’s smiling too much to notice. The weather is glorious, the sun shining so brightly Jensen’s face breaks out in freckles the minute they step out on the patio. Jared’s hand is big, and warm and strong in his as they walk through the small, standing crowd to the front, where Chris and Chad stand waiting with the minister. Jared has to discreetly tug Jensen back down to earth a couple of times on the way as his feet start treading air. When they stop, and Jared turns to face him it’s with a smile that would light up the world on its own, Jensen thinks, even if there was no magic and the sun followed no rules but its own.
They have no written wows. Before there seemed no point, and now it’s just too much to handle. As soon as he set his eyes on Jared, Jensen lost all coherent thought, let alone speech. So instead he holds Jared’s hands in his, feeling the steady beat of Jared’s heart as the minister talks about love, and commitment, and all the things they already know and don’t really need anyone to tell them. Jensen gazes into Jared’s eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that he fell in love with almost twelve years ago, and there is no fear there, no worry, no doubt. Just love so deep and profound he feels dizzy. Feels like he could take on the whole world as long as he has Jared by his side.
I love you, too, he thinks. God, Jared, I love you so much. See?
He throws the shutters wide open and lets Jared see right into his soul, see everything he is. The world turns bright and clear, like a layer of dust has been washed off all its colors. He’s faintly aware of his freckles glowing, he can see the ones on his nose twinkling like stars in moonlight, just out of the corner of his eye. He breathes in, and the air is sweet and warm, like a summer day’s. The soft breeze rustles with the sound of a thousand flowers preparing to blossom.
Jared smiles. In his eyes Jensen sees his own emotions mirrored, in every way as clear if maybe not as physically obvious.
It’s amazing.
Jensen repeats Jared’s "I do" at hopefully the right moment, the words tripping over his tongue in his haste to get them safely out. Someone laughs but Jared just smiles and slips the ring on Jensen’s finger then slides his own finger into the ring Jensen is holding, when his hand shakes too much to manage.
“When you’re ninety-seven and still this pretty,” Jared whispers. “I want you to think back on this day and remember the way I’m looking at you right now. My husband.” And then his hands are in Jensen’s hair, his lips on Jensen’s lips, and they’re kissing, kissing, kissing!
Jensen’s head spins. Blood rushes so loudly in his ears he can hardly hear the whoops and laughs and loud clapping.
It’s Jared, it’s them, and they’re married. They’re married!
It’s too much.
White tentacles of heat, and light and happiness rush through his veins, pushing their way through his skin until he’s glowing.
Love you, love you, love you, love you, drums in his heart, and Yes!
Jared laughs into his mouth as the whole city of Vancouver explodes into summer.
fin
Title: The Story of Our Life (It Starts Right Here) (A timestamp for The Doors of Time)
Author: felisblanco
Pairing/people: Jensen/Jared, Chris
Wordcount: 6877 words
Rating: PG-13, I think
Summary:
Jensen smiles. “Yes.”
“Exactly!” Jared flails. “I just…” He pauses. “What?”
Jensen laughs and squeezes Jared’s hand. He thinks he might fly right off the couch if he doesn’t hold on tight. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll marry you.”
Jared is staring at him, looking a little dazed. “You will?”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” He’s smiling so wide the brightness hurts his eyes. “Jared, it’s you. And us. Yes. Yes!”
Author’s note: Written for alienat for her generous bid at the help_queensland auction. I hope it comes at least close to what you were hoping for. *hugs*
Takes place in the year after the epilogue of Part 2 of The Doors of Time. Read over by winchesterxgirl and beta’d by beelikej and candygramme. Thank you, girls!
Spring break (or midterm recess) at Juilliard is actually at the end of February to mid March, which is a bit early in the year for this story. Let’s just pretend it’s later, okay?
Title (slightly altered) from Thank You by Dikta.
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
Robert Fulghum
The last note lingers, a barely there vibration that tickles his fingers as it slowly fades away. He sits back, eyes still closed, fingers resting lightly on the keyboard. Breathes in, breathes out, the music settling over his heart like a warm, reassuring blanket. He feels… if not exactly braver then at least more resolute. Yes. He can do this. It’s-
“Hey.”
It’s too soft to startle him, but his heart speeds up just the same as he opens his eyes and meets the obscure reflection in the glossy surface of the piano. The smile is automatic, instant. He stands up, gently closing the lid before turning around.
“Hi.”
Jensen stands leaning against the doorframe, smiling softly, as if he’s been there a while, watching, listening. It makes Jared blush a little, feeling self-conscious the way he always does when it’s just him playing. When he’s not following Jensen’s lead.
He’s mediocre at best, he knows that. No matter what Jensen might have seen all those years ago that made him think Jared would be magnificent, either it had nothing to do with music, or, just as likely, it all got fucked up when Jensen was taken away. It makes Jared sad sometimes, when he allows himself to think about it. More because he knows Jensen wanted this so much for him than because he feels cheated out of something that should have been his.
“You’re home early,” he points out, apologetic. He might live here now but to him this will always be Jensen’s room, and it feels awkward being caught in it uninvited.
“I am?” Jensen says surprised. He frowns, looking unsure and then a little panicked; clearly searching his memory for reasons he shouldn’t be home already. A meeting he forgot, or a class he accidentally walked out on. It wouldn’t be the first time. His eyes flicker, eyelids blinking rapidly. His fingers twitch by his side.
Jared crosses the room and puts a stop to those thoughts the best way he knows how. His fingers in Jensen’s hair, his lips claiming Jensen’s mouth. It’s hot in contrast to Jensen’s cool skin, the tongue almost feverish. The base of Jensen’s skull is damp with sweat, hair flat from the woolen hat he’d been wearing moments before. One inhale tells Jared all he needs to know. Under the stink of New York traffic there’s a distinct smell of college. Of packed lunches and bad coffee, damp sneakers and hormonal youth. It’s a familiar smell but one that’s usually been brushed out of Jensen’s hair by the time he makes it home.
Jared pulls back, licking the taste of late winter and stale coffee off his lips. “No park today?” he asks with a smile. It’s a rare occurrence when Jensen doesn’t linger there for at least an hour before heading home.
Jensen relaxes in his arms. He laughs softly, relieved. “I was thinking of you here,” he says. “I must have come straight over.”
Jared gives him a smug smile. “I beat the park? Well, score one for me.”
“You always beat the park,” Jensen says simply then adds with a grin, “The park doesn’t give me blowjobs.”
“It better not,” Jared growls and drags a laughing Jensen into the bedroom.
Later Jared makes them chicken salad and heats up garlic bread for dinner while Jensen sits by the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee and chatting absently about everything and nothing. It’s a nice and comforting moment of normalcy, until Jensen goes off track, his eyes turning vacant, his voice wistful.
“I miss him,” he sighs and he’s gone, back to before that night in the bar, before LA and Jared and them. Sounding tired and lonely and hopeless as he tells a phantom Chris about a Jared he remembers and longs for but has momentarily forgotten is already here.
Jared briefly closes his eyes before putting down the knife on the cutting board. He walks over, carefully schooling his features into a relaxed expression before kissing Jensen on the top of his head. Jensen looks up, blinks, smiles, and just like that he’s back, never even realizing he’d been gone.
Jared smiles as well, casual, easy. Like there isn’t a knot in his stomach twisting up all his intestines. He kisses Jensen again, on the lips this time, lingering a moment or two because this is more important than dinner; but not too long because it doesn’t do to get distracted again. He leaves Jensen looking flushed and happy and already on to his next subject of conversation, and returns to cutting a tomato into impossibly thin slices.
He thinks, This. Because of this. And so many other things.
He adds some roasted pine nuts, just because.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
“Jensen?”
Jensen hums. There are stars on the living room ceiling, dancing like fireflies. Twinkle, twinkle. Jensen wiggles his fingers. The stars dance along, constellations entwining like weed in water.
Jensen smiles as his head relaxes into the soft cushion of Jared’s lap. Jared makes a comforting sound, his fingers running gently through Jensen’s hair, and Jensen thinks about falling asleep like this. He loves sleeping with Jared. They always have the most amazing dreams.
Jared is saying something, his fingers stopping for a moment before continuing to weave through Jensen’s hair. “Last week.”
Jensen nods, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. He’s not really listening. He moves his fingers again. The stars shift and line up, until they spell Jared’s name in bright, sparkling letters. Jensen flicks his eyes to Jared, grinning, but Jared isn’t paying attention. He’s staring at the TV, face smoothed and blank. He smells like oranges.
Jensen frowns. He backtracks, trying to remember what they were talking about. He can’t.
“Sorry, what did you say?” he asks, bumping his head playfully against Jared’s stomach. “I missed that.”
Jared glances down, smiling good-humoredly, as if he’d expected as much. “My dad called,” he repeats. “He was asking about spring break. If maybe we could come visit.”
The tone is calm enough but the stomach muscles pressing against Jensen’s ear have gone rock-hard, like Jared is holding his breath. The orange scent turns more citric. Lime rather than lemon but still. Disturbing. It stings Jensen’s nose.
“Okay,” Jensen says. He’s not sure what’s going on. He thought Jared’s parents were all right with the two of them being together. Or maybe that was just Jared’s mother. Was it? He can’t remember. “Sure. It’s been a while since you’ve seen him, right? You must miss him.”
“Three years,” Jared answers absently. “And yeah, I do.” He falls silent again, fingers tugging at Jensen’s hair. “He lives in Vancouver, you know,” he finally says, tensing even further. “Canada.”
“I know. I remember. Hey,” Jensen says, poking Jared playfully in the ribs, “I’ll be fine. Vienna took nine hours each way. I can easily handle flying to Vancouver.”
Jared looks a little surprised, like he hadn’t even thought of that. “Of course you can,” he says, giving Jensen a small smile. “That’s not… I was just thinking. If we’re going to Canada…” He stops, teeth digging into his lower lip.
“You want to go fishing?” Jensen suggests with a smile, even if that doesn’t seem like something Jared would be nervous about. “We can do that. I’ve never gone fishing, you know, except inside my head. It’s nice as long as I don’t actually catch anything. Not sure I could kill a fish. I mean, I like eating it as long as I don’t have to be the one to-”
“I want to get married.”
The words are rushed, forceful, like water breaking a dam. The stars start moving, twirling around and around. Faster, faster. A vortex of light on their ceiling. Jensen blinks. He feels dizzy. Like he’s falling.
“You want to get married?” he repeats dumbly. “To whom?”
Jared seems to choke on his breath. He stares at Jensen, hurt in his eyes. “To whom? To you, you idiot.” He closes his eyes and sighs. “Okay. This is not how I meant to do this.”
“You want to marry me?” Jensen asks, dazed. “Why?”
Jared laughs but it sounds forced. “You know, I might suck at proposing, but you officially suck at being proposed to. Why? Why not?”
Jensen slowly sits up. It’s one thing to be nervous but Jared smells scared. Scared and sad and angry. Like a child’s bike left twisted on a wet road. Jensen must be missing something. He takes Jared’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the slightly sweaty palm. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Well, my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me,” Jared says sarcastically, his voice trembling a little. “That’s pretty crappy.”
Jensen shakes his head. “I never said I didn’t want to marry you. I just want to know why you’re-”
“Well, why the hell do people get married?” Jared shoots back. “Love. Commitment. To get the fucking Green Card.”
“We don’t need a Green Card,” Jensen says. “We’re both born here.” He tries for a smile.
“I was talking to Susan,” Jared continues in a tight angry voice. “She has a gay uncle. Sixty-five-years old, he just lost his partner of thirty years to cancer. She said…” He shudders. “Do you know that if something happens to you I don’t have any rights? We don’t have any rights. If you were dying in a hospital they could legally forbid me to be by your side. Like I was a fucking stranger. Because I’m not family.”
Jensen blinks. He hadn’t known that. Never thought about anything like that. “But… nothing is going to happen to me. I never get sick. I can’t get hurt… Okay, maybe if a car hits me but-”
“What if a car hits you? Or what if a car hits me? What if I get sick? Then I could be the one dying alone. Or what if we have kids? I know you said you didn’t want any but maybe some day we decide we want to adopt or something? I don’t want someone else taking our kids if something happens to me. And what if we want to buy property? We’d have to-”
Jensen smiles. “Yes.”
“Exactly!” Jared flails. “I just…” He pauses. “What?”
Jensen laughs and squeezes Jared’s hand. He thinks he might fly right off the couch if he doesn’t hold on tight. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll marry you.”
Jared is staring at him, looking a little dazed. “You will?”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” He’s smiling so wide the brightness hurts his eyes. “Jared, it’s you. And us. Yes. Yes!”
Jared breaks out into a smile. “God, thank you!” He grabs a hold of Jensen’s neck, kissing him hard, and Jensen laughs into his mouth. “Sorry. You got me worried there for a while. Okay. I… Okay. So… Spring break?”
Jensen grins. Look at Jared being all flustered. It’s adorable. “Sure. Yeah. Is that enough time?”
“I don’t know,” Jared says, looking stressed again. “I think so. I mean, it’s not like there’s much to arrange, we’re just signing the papers but… yeah. I’ll make some calls.” He nods, smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.”
Jensen nods as well. His fingers twitch. His chest feels a little heavy.
Jared grabs the remote and turns off the TV before standing up. “I need to call my dad,” he says, already reaching for his phone.
Jensen sits still on the couch. He bites his lower lip. Then he gets up and walks into the studio, closing the door quietly behind him.
This calls for some Brahms.
Johannes Brahms - Intermezzo in a minor op.116 / VHÓ (4:12)
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
Jared sits back on the couch, long fingers rubbing at his eyes. His head hurts. Who knew it was such a hassle to get married? You’d think he was planning an actual wedding, and not just a short, simple ceremony involving the two of them and the commissioner. God, the bureaucracy of the whole thing is insane!
“You sure about this, son?” his dad had asked, sounding wary and uncomfortable, and Jared had to bite the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t yell at the man that of course he’s sure! He wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t fucking sure!
His mother had just gone quiet when he’d told her there was no need for her to travel all the way up to Vancouver.
“It’s not that kind of wedding,” he’d explained, feeling stressed out and twitchy. “It’s just a formality.” When she still hadn’t said anything he’d joked, “Hey, Megan is bound to marry eventually. Just… cry for the both of us at her wedding.”
She hadn’t laughed, just sighed and said, “If that’s what you want, sweetie. If that’s what you both want.”
“It is.”
Jared sighs. She doesn’t understand. None of them do. It’s about safety. About keeping Jensen safe in a world that doesn’t and never will understand him, and what he is. Just because Jensen lives in his own world doesn’t mean the law and rules of this world don’t apply to him. Not everything can be fixed with magic and music. Someone needs to be the practical one. Someone needs to think of these things.
Jared sits up with a groan and checks the list once more. License, birth certificates, photo IDs. Passports. Dad and Dad’s present girlfriend - Julia her name is, Jared reminds himself - will be witnesses. He’s booked a hotel (because, frankly, the idea of having sex - marital or otherwise - in his father’s house, freaks him out), bought the plane tickets, hired a car. He’s picking up the rings on Thursday. Their suits from the cleaner tomorrow. He’s made lists of what to pack.
It still feels like he’s forgetting something.
God, he wishes Chris were here but he won’t be back from visiting his folks until the day after tomorrow and anyway, this doesn’t feel like something they should discuss over the phone. He knows Jensen has been talking to Chris, they talk almost every day, but Jared hasn’t asked Jensen what Chris thinks of all this. If there was a problem he’s sure he’d been let know, loud and clear.
Jared’s stomach rumbles and he stands up, stretching his spine with a groan. He can hear Jensen in the studio, playing something soft and eerie. He’s been in there a lot lately. Normally it would have Jared worried but every time he goes to check on him, Jensen greets him with a smile and a kiss, squeezing his hand and looking like Jared just being there is the greatest gift he could have wished for.
Jared takes the lasagna out of the oven then opens a bottle of white wine before going to knock on Jensen’s door. The music stops and when Jared peeks inside Jensen is already on his feet and walking towards him, looking flushed and eyes a little glazed over. The room smells of roses and something sweet, like vanilla. Ice cream, maybe?
“Dinner’s ready,” Jared tells him, feeling the tension of the last couple of hours drain away at the sight of Jensen smiling up at him. He makes to turn back but Jensen grabs his arm and pulls him in, pressing his lip to Jared’s cheek, then just stands there, one hand on Jared’s hip, breath hot on his throat.
“You’re so good to me,” he says, words vibrating against Jared’s skin. He sounds so amazed that Jared feels a little uneasy. Of course Jared is good to him. Why wouldn’t he be?
“Just until we’re married,” he jokes. “After that it’s all junk food and doing your own laundry, mister.”
Jensen laughs but it sounds a little off. Distant, like his mind is a million miles away. Jared lets it go for now. They both have so much to think about. It’s normal to be a little distracted.
“You wanna watch a movie later?” he asks instead as he gently pulls away and steers Jensen out of the room and toward the kitchen.
Jensen nods. “Sure. You pick.” He looks up, eyes unreadable. “Something not too heavy.”
Jared tightens his hold around Jensen’s shoulders. Funny the way Jensen sometimes feels so small in his arms. “You’ve got it.”
They eat in comfortable silence and then Jensen cleans up while Jared calls his dad to confirm their time of arrival. Only four more days.
Jensen falls asleep halfway through watching The Princess Bride. His head lolls to the side until it comes to rest on Jared’s shoulder. He mumbles something in his sleep, brow creasing. Jared lets him sleep, his own mind a million miles away. By the time he rouses the movie is over and there’s a rabbit sitting on the coffee table, twitching its nose at him. The couch is covered in soft moss, there are trees blocking the view to the kitchen and somewhere in the distance he can hear bells ring.
Jared smiles and gently shakes Jensen awake. As they make their way through the slowly fading forest Jared tries to remember if he left the kitchen window open. Oh well, it wouldn’t be the first time they gave their neighbors a small taste of magic.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
Chris looks angry, he smells angry, like sulfur and Shostakovish, and Jensen feels completely lost. “What?”
“Let me get this straight,” Chris says in a tight voice. “You are going to Canada this weekend to get married, and you’re just telling me now?”
“It didn’t feel like something I should tell you on the phone. And we’re going to Canada to visit Jared’s dad,” Jensen corrects. “It makes sense to get married while we’re there.”
“While you’re…” Chris stares at him. “You’re not buying a goddamn car!”
Jensen frowns. “Why would we buy a car?”
“Jensen,” Chris says. His voice is low but there’s a vein pounding at his temple, all purple and angry. “You’re getting married. To Jared. The love of your fucking life. The man you waited ten fucking years for. It’s a huge fucking deal!”
“It’s an amazing deal,” Jensen specifies with a smile. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“Exactly! It’s your dream. Jensen, it’s your dream come true. Jesus!” Chris runs his fingers through his hair and Jensen can see sparks fly from his fingertips, that’s how upset he is. “Why are you doing this? This is not what you want!”
“Of course it’s what I want,” Jensen says, feeling increasingly bewildered and frankly a little annoyed. “I just told you.”
“To marry Jared in some courtroom?” Chris says incredulous. “With no friends, no family, nothing? Just sign some papers like you’re signing a fucking contract? That is what you want?”
Oh. That.
Jensen smiles. “Chris, I’m marrying Jared. Jared. Jared who I thought I’d lost to someone else. But I didn’t. He’s here. And he wants to be here, with me, for the rest of his life.”
He takes Chris’s hand in his and gives it a light squeeze, only a little embarrassed by the tears he knows are showing in his eyes. “It is my dream come true. And I couldn’t be more grateful.”
Chris stares at him. He opens his mouth then closes it again. “Right,” he finally says, voice strained. “As long as you’re happy.”
Jensen smiles at him. “I am. Of course I am.”
Chris gives him a brief smile back and nods, looking distracted. Jensen follows his gaze out the window. The clouds shuffle awkwardly aside to let through a pale beam of sunlight.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
The bell above the door pings and Jared puts down his notebook with a disgruntled sigh before turning to the counter, tired smile pasted on his face. “What can I… Oh, hey-”
He jerks back from the finger jabbed in his face. “What the…?”
“You!” Chris spits out. He looks absolutely murderous. “Are such a fucking moron!”
Jared blinks, taken aback. “What? What did I do?”
“What did you do? What did you do?” Chris throws up his hands. “Oh, I don’t know. How about… You’re marrying Jensen!”
“Yes?” Jared frowns. “Wait, he hadn’t told you? We decided three weeks ago.”
“You decided? Or you decided?” Chris sneers, poking Jared hard in the chest. It fucking hurts.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jared says, starting to feel pretty pissed off himself. “Yes, I asked him. He said yes. What’s your problem?”
“My problem? My problem? I don’t have a fucking problem,” Chris yells. “I’m not the one being a stupid inconsiderate asshole!”
The early morning rush is over and there’s an hour left to lunch, but there are still a few customers lingering over their coffee cups who look up, startled by the noise.
“Chris, calm down,” Jared hisses.
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I can’t believe you. What the fuck is wrong with you? How… how the hell can you do this to him?” Chris pinches his lips shut and shakes his head. There are actual tears in his eyes and Jared’s anger dissipates, just like that.
“Dude. Come on,” he says and moves around the counter, taking Chris by the elbow and steering him to sit down in one of the booths. Chris slumps like a sack of coal, like his heart is just too heavy to hold his chest up. It’s goddamn frightening.
“Okay, talk,” Jared says, sitting down on the bench opposite. “Why am I an asshole? What did I do?”
Chris shakes his head again. He looks so upset that for a moment Jared can’t help wondering if maybe he wanted to marry Jensen. There have been times when…
No. The Chris Jared knows would never say anything if that was the case. He certainly wouldn’t be shouting it out for half of New York to hear. This is something else.
“Jared,” Chris says in a tired voice that makes him sound a hundred years old. “You’re marrying Jensen.”
“Yes, I am,” Jared confirms calmly. “Why are you angry?”
“You. Are marrying. Jensen. Jensen!” Chris gazes at him, eyes still a little wet and filled with emotion. Jared just wishes he knew what emotion. “Don’t you get it?”
“Okay, I know it’s sudden,” Jared admits, just to say something. “But I just… I’m worried, okay? I want to make sure he’s secure. That he has security, financial and legal and-”
“Jared!” Chris cuts him off, sounding exasperated. “You’re marrying Jensen. You are getting married. You and Jensen are getting married.”
Jared waits, not sure what else he’s supposed to say.
“Son,” Chris says, which Jared rather resents because it’s not like Chris is that much older. “Listen to me.”
“I am. You just keep repeating the same-”
“Listen! Jensen…” Chris shakes his head. “Fuck, kid, Jensen loves you more than anyone in the world. He always has. He waited for you for ten years. Two of which were spent in a hellhole where you were the only thing that kept him sane. Then you finally show up and it turns out he doesn’t fit into your life at all.” He waves off Jared’s protests before he can even voice them. “Yeah, I know, you two worked it out and all, but at the time… I wasn’t sure he’d make it. You kept breaking his heart, Jared, over and over again. Shattering his dreams, ripping away the only thing that had kept him going all those years. He was so sure he’d lost you that he revised his vision of the future into one where he was alone and unloved. Because if he couldn’t have you he was never gonna have anyone. Two years ago, that was how he saw his future. And now… Now you two are getting married! Married!” Chris’s jaw tightens. “In some shitty little courtroom in fucking Canada.”
Jared stares at him. His stomach lurches. “Shit,” he whispers.
Chris breathes out. “Finally. Yes! Shit.”
“Shit. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Jared runs his fingers through his hair in panic, tugging at it until it hurts. “I didn’t… God. Is he angry? Is he…. Shit!”
Chris just looks at him like he’s stupid. Which, admittedly, all evidence points at being true.
“No, Jared,” he says patiently. “Jensen is not angry. Jensen is happy. Because you know what? Marrying you? It’s his ‘dream come true’. He’s so grateful he’s walking on clouds.”
Jared winces. Grateful?
“I didn’t think,” he says in a low voice. “I just… I was afraid. I was afraid if something happened to him or me, that we wouldn’t… That…” He takes a deep breath. “So he wanted a real wedding? That’s what… Is that…? Shit.”
Chris sighs. “He just wants you. He wants to marry you. Because he loves you. Not because it gives him security but because he wants to be married. To you. Remember? You and him, side by side on some fucking bench, growing old and wrinkled together? Remember that one? It’s been his fantasy since he was eighteen years old. And if this is how he gets it, so be it. Would be nice if there was a romantic reason for it rather than just a legal one, but hey, you can’t get everything, right?” His voice drips with sarcasm.
Jared closes his eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
Chris sits silent for a moment. “Okay,” he finally says, “I’m no expert on relationships or romance or whatever but as a start, how about you actually propose to him? Like, properly. Preferably on your knees, boy.”
Jared blinks his eyes open.
Chris is smiling, eyebrows raised.
Jared licks his lips. Tries for a smile. “I… I can do that,” he says. “Yeah.”
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
“Just try it a bit more… pink,” Jared hears Jensen say as the door opens. “This is Mozart, early period. It’s very pink. You can even throw in some glitter. Yes, that… Try that. I know, I know, but try it, you’ll be surprised.”
Jared gives the bewildered student an encouraging smile as he enters the hallway. “Think light, frivolous, almost childish,” he suggests in a low voice. “Fairytales.”
The young man blinks up at him dazed, before hurrying away without a word.
Jared shakes his head and grins. Once, feeling curious, he’d searched the student chat forums and ran across a long discussion about the different interpretations of Jensen’s ‘metaphors’. His students clearly love him but most of the time they haven’t got a clue what he’s talking about. And still they graduate at the top of their class, every year.
Jensen is humming a happy tune - the Mozart in question, Jared guesses - as he gathers up the sheet music. When Jared clears his throat Jensen looks up, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree.
“Jared!” The sheet music flutters to the floor as Jensen drops everything and practically throws himself into Jared’s arms. He laughs, light and happy. “What are you doing here?”
“Got off early.” Jared cups Jensen’s face, thumb stroking lightly over the dimple of his smile before leaning down for a kiss. Jensen tastes of bitter coffee and nothing else and Jared wonders if he once again forgot to eat lunch. He does look a little pale.
“Thought I’d walk my pretty boy home,” Jared murmurs against Jensen’s lips, his own twisting into a suggestive smirk.
Jensen smiles, cheeks turning a little pink. “I’d like that. Oh, can we walk through the park? I saw daffodils yesterday. And there were unicorns this morning.” He sighs wistfully. “I wish you could see them. They always look their brightest in spring.”
He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world, seeing unicorns in the middle of New York, and Jared can’t help smiling. “Park it is,” he says easily, since that was his plan all along.
Jensen hugs him tighter, his breath warm on Jared’s neck. “Thank you,” he says softly. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
Jared closes his eyes. He can hear it now, the grateful, almost reverent tone in Jensen’s voice, and it makes him cringe. Makes him want to fall to his knees right on the spot and beg Jensen to please, please forgive him for being so damn stupid.
“C’mon,” he says instead and steers Jensen to where his coat hangs by the door. “We can stop and get you something to eat on the way. Have a spring picnic in the park. You got your scarf? Gloves?”
“Yes, mom,” Jensen scoffs as he puts them on but he’s smiling, looking absolutely delighted at having Jared fuss over him and once again Jared feels that sting in the pit of his belly. When did this happen? How could he have let it happen? How did he not even notice this was going on?
They buy sandwiches and coffee then walk through the park in the surprisingly mild weather. Jensen is right, there are spring flowers already peeking through the dry earth. It’s early in the year but who knows, Jensen might not have anything to do with it. Possibly. Jared doesn’t spot any unicorns but it’s not as if he would. One or both of them would have to be asleep for that.
He steers Jensen discreetly down Azalea Walk, distracting him with questions about the different kinds of flora, an easy thing to do since it’s one of Jensen’s favorite subjects. Once Jared finds a secluded enough bench he sits Jensen down, nodding his head absently to Jensen’s enthusiastic tale of water lilies and fairies. Not like it’s the first time he’s heard it, nor will it be the last. Jensen forgets things faster than he remembers them.
Jared takes Jensen’s hand in his, turning the palm up and running his fingers across the strong lines as he tries to remember which one is the lifeline. Wonders if Jensen’s looks any different than his own. Longer. Stronger. More interesting. Maybe. He’s not sure.
“What are you doing?” Jensen laughs, his thumb twitching from the slight tickle.
Jared doesn’t answer. He lifts Jensen’s hand to his lips and kisses first the palm, then the fingertips, one by one, then presses his lips to the wrist, feeling Jensen’s pulse quicken under the thin skin. When he looks up again Jensen is watching him, looking unsure and nervous, like he can tell something is up. He probably can. Jared must stink with it.
“When you went away,” Jared says, keeping his eyes steady on Jensen, “it hit me pretty hard. It got bad. Like… needed medication bad.”
He’s never told Jensen this. Partly out of embarrassment but mostly because he knew this is how Jensen would react: Eyes wide, face pale, reality cracking around him like an eggshell.
“I’m sorry,” he says, sounding broken and guilty and all the things Jared never wanted him to feel. “Jared, I… I never meant for that to happen. God, I’m so sorry.”
Jared squeezes his hand, holding Jensen’s gaze when it threatens to slip away. “It doesn’t matter, Jen,” he says firmly. “That’s not what matters. What matters is… I couldn’t shake it off. I mean, I didn’t need the meds anymore and I functioned okay, but I wasn’t… I was just drifting. It wasn’t a bad life, it was just… It felt off. Everything was off. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Why I was all wrong. Until I found you again.”
He smiles as Jensen’s eyes light up the way they always do when he’s reminded of the fact that Jared is here now, is his now.
“My life now?” Jared continues. “It’s not perfect. There’s stuff I don’t like about myself. I miss my family. I feel guilty about Sandy. I’m still not sure college is really the right thing for me.”
He lifts his hand when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “But. It’s okay, I’ll deal with it. I’ll figure it out the way everyone figures these things out. Because since I found you, since we found each other… since we became us,” he squeezes Jensen’s hand, “life is right again. You made it right again.”
Jensen looks down, face flushed, teeth digging into his lip as he tries to restrain his smile.
“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you,” Jared says softly when Jensen finally manages to meet his gaze again. “I never will. It’s just you, Jensen. It will always be you. So…”
With his heart hammering in his chest Jared slips off the bench and onto one knee, still holding Jensen’s hand in his.
“What are you-” Jensen starts, eyes wide.
“Jensen, I know I’m kind of an idiot and sometimes I screw up what should be the most simple thing but…” Jared takes a deep breath. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. In sickness and in health. For better as much as for worse. I just… I want you, Jensen.”
He pulls the small box out of his pocket and flips the lid open with his thumb, never letting go of Jensen’s hand. “Will you please marry me?”
Jensen stares at the box. He stares at Jared. He looks utterly bewildered. “I… Yes. Of course I will. We already decided… Jared, are those cufflinks? Why are you giving me cufflinks?”
Jared blushes. “Well, I was gonna give you a diamond ring but Chris said even you weren’t that gay.”
He feels relieved when Jensen chuckles although he still looks baffled. “I just thought they’d go well with your tux.”
“But I don’t have a tux,” Jensen points out.
“You’d rather get married in a dress?” Jared asks, smiling, and Jensen laughs again.
“No, stupid. We’re wearing suits, remember? You had them cleaned.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work,” Jared says, shaking his head. “If we just wear suits how will anyone be able to tell the grooms apart from the guests?”
Jensen blinks. “Guests?”
Jared laughs. “You really didn’t understand a thing of what I was trying to do here, did you? With the whole proposal thing?”
He stands up, pulling Jensen along, until they’re facing each other, Jared holding Jensen’s hands in his.
“I couldn’t find a church with such short notice,” he admits, “but I did find a minister, and Dad says we can have the wedding at his house. It’s big, and if the weather is fine, which I think we can guarantee, we can move the whole thing out into the back yard. Apparently Julia loves weddings, and she promised to get all her friends to help decorate. Mom is taking care of the food, Chris will handle the music… Just at the reception. Don’t worry, Danneel has offered to play her violin at the actual ceremony. Mac said she’d walk you down the aisle if you wanted but I thought maybe we could just walk together?” he finishes, smiling hopefully and mentally crossing his fingers that Jensen doesn’t notice the non-mention of his mother.
“Mac?” Jensen is staring at him. He looks shaken, choked up. “Mac is coming? But… I don’t understand. I thought… What’s going on?”
Jared takes Jensen’s face in his hands, catching the tears at the corners of his eyes with the pads of his thumbs before leaning in and kissing Jensen softly on the lips.
“What’s going on,” he says gently, “is that I messed up. I went about this the completely wrong way, because I’m a fucking moron. God, Jensen, I love you so much. So damn much. That’s why I want to marry you. I want to be married to you, for the rest of our lives, because I love you.”
“I know you love me,” Jensen says quietly. “That’s why you wanted to make sure we could always be together. That we were safe. You told me.”
Jared smiles. “Well, I’m an idiot. That’s like… a bonus. Like a wedding gift from the amazing country of Canada. You don’t get married for the presents! You get married because you want to celebrate love and commitment and, and… everything! With friends, and family, and music, and flowers, and cake, and dancing and…” He breathes out. “Whatever else you want, Jensen. Anything. I mean, it’s our wedding! It should be amazing. It should be the most amazing day of our lives.”
“I didn’t mind not… I really didn’t mind,” Jensen says. He’s shaking a little. “I just wanted you. I was happy enough just having you.”
“I don’t want you to be ‘happy enough’,” Jared tells him with a smile. “I want you to be so damn happy you break the sun out of the clouds, and pull all the flowers out of the earth, and summon all the birds in the sky and just basically freak out every single person in Canada with your magic flying off the charts the moment I put that ring on your finger. That’s how happy I want you to be.”
“I think I’m getting there,” Jensen says. He’s smiling now, still looking dazed, like he just can’t believe this is happening. “Floral explosion coming up any minute.”
“Bring it on,” Jared says and kisses him.
It barely hits a ten feet radius but that’s okay. They’re saving the big one for later.
~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~
They fly to Vancouver on a Friday, which leaves them only one day to spare before the wedding. Jensen keeps glancing at Jared to make sure he isn’t stressing out, considering how wound up he’s been the last few weeks. But Jared is all smiles and giddy laughs, like a kid at Christmas. He doesn’t even seem to care that he forgot to pack his nice shoes and is forced to walk Jensen down the aisle wearing his old flip-flops.
Mac cries. Jared’s mother and sister cry. Jensen might cry a little himself but he’s smiling too much to notice. The weather is glorious, the sun shining so brightly Jensen’s face breaks out in freckles the minute they step out on the patio. Jared’s hand is big, and warm and strong in his as they walk through the small, standing crowd to the front, where Chris and Chad stand waiting with the minister. Jared has to discreetly tug Jensen back down to earth a couple of times on the way as his feet start treading air. When they stop, and Jared turns to face him it’s with a smile that would light up the world on its own, Jensen thinks, even if there was no magic and the sun followed no rules but its own.
They have no written wows. Before there seemed no point, and now it’s just too much to handle. As soon as he set his eyes on Jared, Jensen lost all coherent thought, let alone speech. So instead he holds Jared’s hands in his, feeling the steady beat of Jared’s heart as the minister talks about love, and commitment, and all the things they already know and don’t really need anyone to tell them. Jensen gazes into Jared’s eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that he fell in love with almost twelve years ago, and there is no fear there, no worry, no doubt. Just love so deep and profound he feels dizzy. Feels like he could take on the whole world as long as he has Jared by his side.
I love you, too, he thinks. God, Jared, I love you so much. See?
He throws the shutters wide open and lets Jared see right into his soul, see everything he is. The world turns bright and clear, like a layer of dust has been washed off all its colors. He’s faintly aware of his freckles glowing, he can see the ones on his nose twinkling like stars in moonlight, just out of the corner of his eye. He breathes in, and the air is sweet and warm, like a summer day’s. The soft breeze rustles with the sound of a thousand flowers preparing to blossom.
Jared smiles. In his eyes Jensen sees his own emotions mirrored, in every way as clear if maybe not as physically obvious.
It’s amazing.
Jensen repeats Jared’s "I do" at hopefully the right moment, the words tripping over his tongue in his haste to get them safely out. Someone laughs but Jared just smiles and slips the ring on Jensen’s finger then slides his own finger into the ring Jensen is holding, when his hand shakes too much to manage.
“When you’re ninety-seven and still this pretty,” Jared whispers. “I want you to think back on this day and remember the way I’m looking at you right now. My husband.” And then his hands are in Jensen’s hair, his lips on Jensen’s lips, and they’re kissing, kissing, kissing!
Jensen’s head spins. Blood rushes so loudly in his ears he can hardly hear the whoops and laughs and loud clapping.
It’s Jared, it’s them, and they’re married. They’re married!
It’s too much.
White tentacles of heat, and light and happiness rush through his veins, pushing their way through his skin until he’s glowing.
Love you, love you, love you, love you, drums in his heart, and Yes!
Jared laughs into his mouth as the whole city of Vancouver explodes into summer.
fin