Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Chapter 5
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Chapter 5
November 2001
“Jensen, do you know why you’re here?”
Jensen sits up slowly and looks around. ‘Here’ is the student counselor’s office.
“Jensen?”
He shakes his head.
“You had a panic attack. Do you remember?”
He remembers blood. And screaming. And someone grabbing him. And then... nothing.
“You hurt someone. Do you remember that?”
He frowns. Shakes his head.
“You slammed your head into Chris’s nose when he was trying to calm you down. I know you didn’t mean to and he’s not mad but you need to apologize to him anyway, okay?”
He shrugs. She watches him. He looks away. When he looks back she’s holding out a box of wet wipes and a small mirror.
“You might want to clean up.”
He stares into the mirror. His reflection stares back. Blood, spattered across his face. Blood, blood, blood and... He grabs a handful of wet wipes and rubs them over his face. His hands shake. The wipes are cold and smell of lavender. He rubs and rubs and rubs. His skin stings but he can’t stop. It’s everywhere. Blood and brains. Blood and brains. He needs to get it off. Off, off, OFF!
“Jensen, it’s gone now. Hey, sweetie, it’s okay. You’re all clean now. Jensen. Jensen, stop it!”
She grabs him by the wrists and he starts screaming.
------------
Present day
“So...” Chris starts and Jensen gives him a sharp look, but even if Chris looks awkward his smile is steady. “Jared looked happy.”
Jensen frowns, laying his pencil down on the table. What’s that supposed to mean? Jared always looks happy.
“And you look very relaxed,” Chris continues, the smile turning smug.
Jensen rolls his eyes. Seriously, they’re gonna do this? It feels so... high school. Not that he had this kind of conversations in high school, but he had ears. People talk very freely when they think no one is listening. Don’t matter that they knew he wasn’t deaf, they still assumed since he didn’t talk he couldn’t hear them.
He flips Chris the finger, but Chris just laughs and sips his coffee, looking smug as hell. “C’mon, you thought I wouldn’t notice? I’m not blind, you know.” His smile turns soft. “It was okay?” he asks.
Jensen looks at him incredulous. ‘Since when are you interested in gay porn?’ he wants to ask. Wants to sarcastically offer to draw Chris a comic, explaining the whole process in excruciating details. Wants to tell him to fuck off and mind his own dirty business.
“I mean, were you okay?” Chris clarifies, blushing slightly. He looks serious now, his ‘I’m-here-to-listen’ face set in place, like a priest fishing for a confession.
Oh. Jensen hesitates. Usually it irritates the hell out of him when Chris does this but for some reason he finds himself wanting to talk. About Jared. About what they’re doing. About how fucking scared he is it will all blow up in his face at any moment.
He nods, giving Chris a brief smile that soon slips away. He swallows. “But what if I can’t-” He coughs but it’s no use. He’s stuck again. Damn.
Chris frowns. “Oh. You didn’t... Not that?” he asks.
Jensen shakes his head. Saying ‘he blew me’ feels so inadequate. Like it was just a blowjob and not a total revelation. He’s twenty-two years old, and it’s the first time someone has done something for him, has wanted to make him feel good. He didn’t even know it could feel that way. He’d almost cried - again! Probably would have if Jared had left him to it instead of staying the whole night.
Which is another thing. It’s the first time someone has slept in his bed. Not even after his worst nightmares has he allowed Chris to be that close. But with Jared he’d just felt safe and warm, and he’d slept sounder than he’d done in years. He hadn’t even woken up whenever Chris stumbled in, presumably reeking of beer and Sophia’s perfume. In the morning Jared had woken him up with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to text him after class, and Jensen had just kissed him back and curled up, asleep again within seconds.
“Hold on. Jensen, are you telling me you’ve never-” Chris stops, eyes going even wider when Jensen looks away, beet red. “Oh. I thought… Oh.”
Jensen clenches his jaw. He doesn’t really want to know what Chris thought.
“Okay. It’s okay. We’ll figure this out,” Chris says quickly. “I mean, I’m sure you’ll be fine. It’s not that different… Okay, it’s different, but the other stuff is sex, too. Right? And you’ve been fine doing that. A little too fine...” He stops when Jensen glares at him. “Sorry. I just... This is hard for me,” he says flustered. “I don’t know anything about gay sex!”
Christ. Maybe he actually needs that comic.
“Is he considerate?” Chris asks after a long moment of uncomfortable silence, blushing when Jensen looks at him with a frown. “I mean, do you think he’ll want to push further than you’re ready for?”
Jensen snorts. Just the thought is ridiculous. He practically had to drag Jared beyond first base.
“Okay. Then just continue at your own pace. If it proves too much you take a break and wait until you feel ready again.”
It sounds so easy. Probably would be if he didn’t know ‘too much’ meant him freaking out like a goddamn psycho. And that ‘feel ready’ might never happen. He gives Chris a small smile anyway and picks up his pencil. Conversation over. Chris sits watching him in silence a while longer but then he stands up and moves away, getting ready for work. Jensen breathes out. He lays the pencil down again and stares blankly into space. On the table in front of him his phone remains silent.
----------
‘PA!!! Get here NOW!’
Jared looks at the small screen with a frown. What the hell does PA mean? He’s used to Chad making no sense whatsoever but this is a little too obscure even for him. He quickly texts back ‘In class, dickhead’ but hasn’t even put the phone back in his pocket when it vibrates in his hand, this time saying ‘Ill tell ur mom ab ur porn’.
Jared stops breathing. All the sounds in the room fade into a humming white noise beating in rhythm with his heart. He’s vaguely aware of someone grabbing his arm, asking him, “You okay, man?” so he shakes his head. And just like that it all comes back. The sounds, the room, the air in his lungs. The heart-racing panic. He stands up, his pen rolling onto the floor, the pages of his notebook fluttering.
“I have to go,” he says, too loud. Everyone is staring at him. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”
He grabs the notebook, backpack hoisted up on his shoulder, and pushes his way between the rows of chairs and desks and people. He feels dizzy. He feels sick. He is absolutely terrified.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!
He runs into Chad as he rounds the corner to their dorm building, looking red-faced and glassy-eyed and pissed the fuck off.
“Dude!” Chad hisses, jabbing him hard in the chest. “Why didn’t you tell me your parents were coming? I was in my fucking underwear! I was smoking up, man!”
“I didn’t know,” Jared says faintly. “Shit. Shitshitshit!!” He leans against the wall, his knees going weak. They’re really here. Oh God, they’re really here.
Chad puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder steadying him, his anger gone just like that. “Hey, calm down. What’s going on?”
“They don’t know, okay? They don’t know anything. I left because I couldn’t... I couldn’t...”
“Breathe, man. Dude, you’re scaring me. They don’t know...? Oh.” Chad’s eyes shift uncertainly, like he can’t decide whether to get the hell out of there or stay and help. “Fuck. You need backup? You think they’ll go Jeffrey Dahmer on you or something?”
Jared laughs. It sounds broken. “More Jerry Falwell. I just... Fuck. I didn’t think they’d come here.”
Chad stares at him. “You serious? Your mom told me you haven’t talked to them once since you got here. That you don’t pick up the phone when they call you. You really thought they’d just let you get away with that? How stupid are you?” He shakes his head at Jared’s angry glare. “Shit, my parents are thrilled I’m out of their hair and my mom still calls me at least once a week. If I tried blowing her off she’d come after me with a cleaver.”
“I didn’t want to think about it,” Jared admits. “I was just so glad to be finally out of there. Shit!”
“I can back you up if you want. I can tell them you have a really hot girlfriend. Hey, I’ll call Gen! She’s been dying to make out with you, I’m sure she won’t mind faking it.”
“No! God, no.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “This is it. It’s time to come clean.”
He can’t remember ever feeling so scared in his whole life.
-------------
“Uhm...”
Jensen ignores the guy fidgeting awkwardly in front of the counter and keeps on drawing. Not his job to help people make up their minds. The whole menu is displayed on the wall behind him, easily readable. Either pick something or get the fuck out.
“Hey, Jensen...” the guy says, sounding a little nervous.
Jensen goes still, the pencil frozen in the midst of adding a hint of blush to Jared’s cheeks. He really doesn’t like people talking to him, whatever it’s about.
“I don’t know how to... I kinda need... I’m Chad, by the way.”
Jensen’s head snaps up. Chad quickly steps back, eyes wide, like he expects Jensen to jump over the counter and throttle him. Jensen narrows his eyes. What the hell is going on?
“Okay, so... Uhm... Jared’s parents showed up, and all hell broke loose, and now he’s locked himself in our room and won’t open the door, and it’s been three fucking hours, and I’m kinda worried he’ll do something stupid, so if you could maybe come and try and talk to him-” Chad’s face turns red. “I mean, if he knew you were there maybe he’d come out to talk to you. Shit, I don’t know. I’m just freaking out, man, and I don’t know what to do. His dad said they were gonna pull him out of college and take him home, and he said he’d rather kill himself and....”
Jensen rips off his apron and runs to the door, throwing it open. He stops. It’s snowing. Heavy white snowflakes, big and wet. He lets out a small choked sound, the whole world tilting from how fast the blood drains from his face.
“Dude, what? C’mon, we gotta go.”
“Jensen, what’s going on?” Chris’s voice says. Jensen turns around, gazing at him helplessly. “What?” Chris asks confused then notices Chad fidgeting beside him. “Who are you?”
“I’m The Chad,” Chad says with a frown. “Jared’s roommate?” he elaborates irritated when Chris just looks at him. “Whatever. He’s gone emo, and I need Jensen here to come get him out.”
“Jensen can’t go outside, it’s snowing,” Chris dismisses, just as annoyed. “What do you mean ‘get him out’? What’s wrong?”
Jensen tunes them out, turning to stare at the heavy snow falling relentlessly from the sky. He can imagine the snowflakes hitting his face, clinging to his skin, clumping his eyelashes. Cold and wet and... He closes his eyes, breathing deeply. In, out. Then he turns around and pushes past Chris and Chad. In the back room he grabs his jacket and puts it on, zipping up and pulling on his gloves. Then he takes a blanket off the couch and throws it over his head before turning around.
Chris is standing in the doorway, watching him with wide eyes. “What are you doing? Jensen, you know you can’t-” Jensen pushes past him again, heading for the door. “Wait! I’ll call Sophia, ask her to bring my truck back.” He grabs Jensen’s arm, quickly letting it go when he turns on him, fist raised. “It will only be fifteen, twenty minutes.” Jensen shakes his head and shoves him aside. “Jensen! Fuck. I’ll come with you. Wait, goddammit!”
Jensen grits his teeth. The blanket is covering his head and shoulders, hopefully providing a little shelter but he’s still on the brink of losing his shit and the longer he waits the worse it will get.
“Here,” Chad says, grabbing a dishtowel from the counter. “You can use it to cover your face.” He shrugs when Jensen stares at him. “I’m not stupid, you know.”
Jensen ties the dishtowel around his neck like a bandana, letting it cover his mouth and nose. He feels like he’s suffocating but it’s still better than getting wet.
“Okay, let’s go,” Chris says, turning the sign on the door so it says ‘CLOSED’. “We’ll make a run for it.”
“Run?” Chad objects horrified. “I’m not running! I’m... Okay, we’re running.”
Jensen ignores them. He keeps his head down, eyes on the sidewalk with quick glances up to see where he’s going. That’s all it takes though for a big snowflake to land on the eyelashes of his right eye. His gloves are too wet to wipe his face, and he shakes his head violently, trying to get rid off it. Melted water runs into his eye, and he stumbles, the world going grey around the edges as he starts hyperventilating.
“Stop it. Keep your head down,” Chris says, pulling the blanket further over his head before grabbing his arm. “I’ll guide you.”
Jensen nods, grateful. His eye is still wet, but the water is already evaporating from his heated skin. They seem to run forever, slipping and sliding on the wet sidewalk and pushing against the increasing wind. He can’t breathe. He can’t, he can’t...
He’s pushed through a door, the blanket thrown off him and the dishtowel ripped from his face, and then he’s sinking to the floor, gasping for air.
“That’s it. You’re doing good,” Chris is saying somewhere above him, his breath heaving. “Just take it easy.”
“You guys are so weird!” Chad wheezes. “Fuck. I’m never smoking again.”
Jensen stumbles to his feet. His knees are shaking. He pushes Chris out of the way and heads for the stairs, taking two steps at a time. By the time he reaches the second floor his legs feel like rubber but he keeps on going, straight to Jared’s dorm room. There are some people standing in the hall but he ignores them. The door is still closed and doesn’t budge when he attacks the handle. He knocks, but there’s no answer. He lays his forehead against the door and breathes. He can hear Chris arguing with someone down the hall, about security and breaking down the door and “Jesus, are you all stoned?”
‘Jared,’ Jensen begs, his eyes closed. ‘Please. Open the door. Please. I need you to open the door for me. Please. I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared. If you hurt yourself, I don’t know what I’ll do. Please.’
There’s a click, and he stumbles forward as the door suddenly gives, but Jared catches him, pulling him in before closing the door again behind him then hugging him, all loose limbs and careful hands.
“Sshh,” he says. “Hey, Jensen, it’s okay. I’m okay. I wouldn’t do that. I promise. I would never do that.”
Jensen pulls back, staring up at him. ‘You can read my mind,’ he thinks dazed.
Jared smiles. “You’re talking, Jen. I can hear you.”
He blinks. What?
“I could hear you through the door.” The smile slips away, and Jared gazes at him, all sad and guilty. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just needed to get away from them, and then it was just easier to stay in here rather than come out and face everyone. I didn’t know Chad would run to you. I’m gonna kill that stupid moron.”
“He...” Jensen swallows then tries again but it’s no good. Fuck. If he was speaking just a minute ago why the hell is he stuck now? He looks up at Jared, trying to get his thoughts across, but Jared just cups his face and gazes back.
“It’s okay,” he says. “I’m okay.”
Jensen shakes his head, frustrated. He stalks over to the small desk and roots around until he finds a pen and a tattered notebook. Then he quickly draws a picture of Jared, his back turned, a bag slung over his shoulder. He shoves it at Jared who stares at it, confused, but then it obviously dawns on him, because he shakes his head, eyes locked with Jensen’s.
“No,” he says. “I’m not leaving. I promise. I don’t care what they say. I’m eighteen, I’m on a scholarship. I can do what I want.”
Jensen breathes out. He feels a little dizzy. He gestures at the door and looks at Jared in question.
“They went to their hotel. Mom was crying. Dad... Dad wouldn’t even look at me.” His breath hitches, lips turning downwards, and he turns away, hand covering his face. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “It’s just... fuck.”
Jensen doesn’t know what to do. He lays a hand on Jared’s back, hoping it comforts him. The whole thing is beyond his comprehension. If Jared’s parents can’t accept who he is then to hell with them. What does he need them for anyway? Like he said, he’s eighteen, an adult. They’ve done their job; it’s time to move on.
“I thought they’d hate me but this... this is worse. If they’d hate me I could be pissed off at them, you know? Could tell them it’s their problem, not mine. But they were just... heartbroken. Like I’d killed someone. Like they’d preferred it if I’d killed someone.” Jared wipes at his face with his fingers. “I didn’t even get to tell them about you. Sorry.”
Jensen frowns. Not like he was waiting to be introduced. And Jared’s parents knowing about him would hardly help. If anything it would probably prove to them once and for all that being gay is a curse. ‘Just look at him! He’s a fucking nutcase!’ Except they’d probably not use the f-word, now he thinks of it.
There’s a quiet knock on the door just then, and Chris pops his head in, face relaxing when he sees they’re both there, and neither seems to be dying. “You guys all right?” he asks.
Jensen shrugs, glancing over at Jared who has sunk down on the bed, staring forlornly into space. Jensen looks back at Chris, grimacing.
“Right.” Chris pauses, thoughtful. “I’ll take Chad out for a drink, give you two some time to talk, okay?” He looks back over his shoulder then back into the room, pained. “If I end up killing him, you’ll bail me out, all right?”
Jensen doesn’t even bother with an eye roll, just shoos him out and closes the door in his face. Rethinking he opens it again, pointing into the room before laying his palm against his cheek.
“You’re sleeping over?” Chris looks conflicted for a moment then nods. “I’ll tell Chad. Sure he can find some girl desperate enough to let him spend the night.”
“Hey!” Jensen hears Chad protest as he closes the door again. He hesitates then takes a deep breath and turns the lock. As much as he hates being locked in it’s better than having Chad or someone else burst into the room at any time. He closes his eyes, breathing slowly. He fumbles for the lock again, just feeling it with his fingers to make sure it’s there, easily turned whenever he wants to leave. Okay. It’s okay. The room is small but it has a big window and most importantly, it has Jared.
Jensen turns around. Jared is still sitting on the bed. He’s crying again, big tears running down his face, but he sits still, shoulders slumped, and hands lying slack in his lap. Like he’s given up. Jensen sighs. He walks over and crouches in front of Jared, reaching over to unbutton his shirt. Jared just gazes at him blankly. Jensen wrestles the shirt off his shoulders then pushes him back on the bed and starts working on Jared’s jeans. That wakes him up.
“Jensen, what...? No, don’t...”
Jensen looks up at him and gives him a patient smile.
“Oh, you’re not gonna... We’re sleeping?” Jared breathes out. “That, that sounds good. Okay.” He wriggles out of his jeans and then pulls the t-shirt over his head, dropping both on the floor before lying down again. “Not sure we’ll both fit here,” he says awkwardly.
Jensen shrugs. He strips down to his underwear and slips under the covers. Jared is right, it’s only borderline possible even if he half straddles Jared. After a while of shuffling around he gestures at Jared to roll over on his side, face to the wall.
“I’m bigger than you, you know,” Jared mutters. “You should be the little spoon.” But he rolls over anyway, his back broad and warm against Jensen’s chest.
Jensen slides one leg between Jared’s and an arm around his waist. It’s cramped and confining, and he knows that if they were the other way around, he’d be panicking by now. But he has space at his back, free to roll away if he wants to, and even when Jared covers his hand with his own, pulling it up to rest over his heart, it’s still loose and gentle.
“Thank you,” Jared suddenly says, voice quiet and subdued. “For coming over. And staying.” He rubs his thumb over Jensen’s knuckles. His heart beats fast and steady under Jensen’s palm. “It means a lot.”
Jensen kisses him between the shoulder blades. ‘I thought I’d lost you,’ he thinks. ‘I don’t know what I would do without you. I can’t go back to the way things were. Alone, and angry, and bitter and no you. I need you. Don’t ever leave.’
He closes his eyes and counts Jared’s heartbeats under his palm.
-------------
Jared dreams of his father, drowning him in a font filled with holy water. His mother watches with tears running down her face. “It’s better this way, honey,” she says, hands pressed together in prayer. “To die pure. Die for the Heavenly Lord, Jared. Die for Jesus.”
He wakes up, sucking breath into lungs that feel like they’re bursting. Jensen is glued to his sweaty back, warm and comforting. His hand still rests in the cradle of Jared’s palm, fingers loosely curled. His breath is light, hot air brushing the back of Jared’s neck.
“I love you,” Jared whispers. “I don’t care what they say as long as I have you.”
Jensen mumbles something in his sleep. It sounds like, “Fucking idiots.” Jared laughs quietly. He lifts Jensen’s hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles, before settling down again.
The next time he wakes up it’s to a familiar sensation hitting him straight in the groin. He blinks his eyes open; sleepy, a little disoriented. There’s a hand stroking over his chest, fingernails catching every now and then on a nipple.
Jared shivers. He mumbles a confused, “Jensen?” and hitches his breath when Jensen nuzzles into his neck, kissing the slope above his shoulder blades. What is he...? Jensen shifts behind him and suddenly he’s there, hard and unyielding, pressing against Jared’s ass through the thin cotton. Oh.
“Are we...?” Jared asks hesitantly, his heart speeding up in his chest.
Jensen goes still. He’s breathing harshly against Jared’s neck, making the short hairs rise. His fingers slowly straighten until his palm lies flat over Jared’s heart. It’s sweaty, and it trembles, just a little. For a moment the whole world seems to hold its breath.
Jared swallows. His heart beats faster and faster, until it feels like it might burst out of his chest. He closes his eyes and breathes out. “Yeah,” he says. “Okay.”
Jensen’s breath shudders. He kisses Jared again, pressing his lips to the knob at the top of Jared’s spine and sucks on the skin. He rubs his hand over Jared’s chest then slides it down, lower, lower... over his stomach that caves in anticipation, muscles fluttering. So close. So close... Jared holds his breath, but Jensen’s hand passes right by his dick and runs up his hip instead. Oh come on! Jensen breathes a shaky laugh against Jared’s neck when he groans in disappointment. His thumb rubs over Jared’s hipbone, fingers splayed under his boxers.
“Tease,” Jared grumbles, rolling his hips a little, just enough to feel Jensen’s cock nudge at his ass.
Jensen bites him lightly on the shoulder, just teasing with his teeth, then soothes the spot with his tongue. His lips move against Jared’s skin, a smile or maybe silent words. Jared reaches behind him, laying a hand on Jensen’s hip and pulling him closer. Jensen’s skin feels so smooth under his fingertips, smooth and warm. It’s weird how they fit, Jared thinks, slotted together like this. Like two pieces of a fucked up puzzle.
Jared turns his head to catch Jensen’s eye but Jensen has moved out of his line of vision, teeth now nibbling at the other shoulder. His fingers are stroking Jared’s thigh, down to his knee and then up again a few times before he starts tugging at Jared’s boxers, trying to wriggle them off. Jared lifts his hips, holding his breath as Jensen pulls the boxers down, first with his hand then hooking them with his toes to get them all the way off. Jared’s not too surprised when he feels Jensen press in warm and already naked behind him, but he sucks his breath in just the same. God.
Jensen stills for a moment, hand back on Jared’s hip. He runs his fingers slowly up and over until they catch on Jared’s curls, getting stuck in a tangle. It stings, just a little, but before Jared has time to flinch Jensen has already moved on, his fingers dancing around Jared’s cock and driving him crazy with their promises. It’s so different from Jensen’s usual way, which is to grab and take what he wants, no apologies. This time he seems hesitant, nervous even. Jared isn’t sure if he’s afraid of spooking Jared or himself. Again he wishes he could see Jensen’s face, could read some hint of what he’s thinking, but when he tries to roll over Jensen goes rigid behind him, fingernails digging into his hip. Jared turns his head as much as he can, but Jensen’s forehead is resting between Jared’s shoulder blades, his face out of sight.
“Okay,” Jared whispers, turning back to the wall. “It’s okay. You want to do it like this?”
Jensen nods against his back. He breathes out, cool air rolling down Jared’s sweaty spine. He presses warm lips to his skin, keeping them there as he finally curls his fingers around Jared’s cock. They’re warm and a little sweaty, and Jared can feel them tremble until the hold tightens around him, and then everything else evaporates from his mind. Jensen’s strokes are sure and knowing, twisting his hand and putting pressure on all the right spots at exactly the right moments, and it suddenly hits Jared that this is how Jensen jerks himself off. The thought is enough to make whatever drop of blood he had left in his brain rush southward.
This is the clear benefit of being with a guy, Jared thinks dazed between gasps, they know what works better than any girl ever can. That and... Oh God, that part: Jensen’s dick, wet and silky, slipping in between Jared’s butt cheeks the moment he relaxes them. Jared pushes back, feeling the head of Jensen’s cock nudge at the rim, just teasing him a little before Jensen pulls back with a small grunt.
“Do it,” Jared whispers. “It’s okay. I want you to. I want...” He gasps as Jensen strokes him harder. “No, in me. Come on.”
Jensen’s hand stills. He shifts a little behind Jared, pulling back, and Jared groans in frustration until he feels Jensen’s hand slide back, over his hip and down his ass.
“Yeah,” Jared breathes. “Fuck.”
The hand moves away, and Jared wonders what Jensen is doing when he hears the wet sound of him licking his fingers. Jesus! He holds his breath, spreading his legs as much as he can when the hand comes back, wet fingers slipping over his skin and in between... Oh. Oh God.
It feels even weirder than that one time he tried doing it himself. Jensen’s fingers are slimmer than his but his fingernails are not bitten to the core like Jared’s are, and Jared can feel the edge run along the wall inside him the deeper he slides in. It’s just so weird! And... Oh. Oh, that’s good. That is... Jesus! Okay. That was different!
“That...” he gasps, “feels really... oh... good.”
Jensen hums against the slope of his neck, the tone clearly a question.
“Yeah. Fuck, man. Didn’t know... didn’t know it would feel like that. That’s just one?”
Jensen hums again and kisses him on the ear. He’s panting slightly, the only indication that he’s just as worked up as Jared.
“You can add another,” Jared says after a while. “If you want. It’s okay.”
The finger slides out of him, he hears Jensen spitting and then he’s back with two, pressing into him. It stings this time, a small but sharp pain that has him sucking in his breath. Jensen goes still. Jared breathes deeply a few times then pushes back. It still hurts but it’s no more than he can handle, and he figures he’ll have to get past it if they’re really going to do this. He concentrates on relaxing, willing his stomach muscles to unclamp, and his thighs to go slack, and after a while the sting subsides, leaving a feeling of weird intrusion and an extreme sensation he’s not sure how to describe. It’s too intense to be really good but it’s not bad either. It’s just really, really strange.
In the silence of the room their breathing seems so loud, and the wet sound of Jensen’s fingers slipping in and out is so obscene it makes Jared’s face heat until he’s sure Jensen can feel it, radiating off him like waves of embarrassment. He never expected his first time to be like this. So quiet. If he couldn’t smell Jensen’s shampoo, all fresh and lemon-scented mixed in with the bitter scent of coffee, it could be anyone behind him. Just some guy, fucking him with his fingers. The thought has him tensing without meaning to and Jensen goes instantly still as his fingers get caught within Jared’s body.
“Sorry,” Jared mumbles, willing himself to relax again. “Just got a bit freaked.” He laughs nervously. “It’s still you back there, right? Because if I turn around after we do this and discover it’s actually Chad I’m gonna be scarred for life. Like, seriously damaged.”
Jensen breathes into his neck. There’s silence for the longest time, and then Jensen croaks out, “It’s... me,” the words stuttered and strangled, forcefully pushed over his wall of silence.
Jared breathes out. “Okay. I just...I needed to hear your voice.” He cringes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean... I don’t mind you being quiet, I just...”
Jensen slowly pulls out his fingers and raises himself up on his elbow to gaze down at Jared over his shoulder. He’s biting his lip, his face flushed and damp with perspiration. His eyes are dark, a little wild. He looks a heartbeat away from freaking the fuck out.
Oddly enough that makes Jared feel better. He smiles at Jensen, a little embarrassed by his own reaction. If anyone has a reason to be nervous about sex, it’s Jensen, not him. He can’t even imagine what must be going through Jensen’s mind right now.
“Hey,” he says softly and reaches for Jensen’s neck, pulling him down for a lopsided kiss then lets go and says, “Okay, I’m good now. Carry on.”
Jensen doesn’t move, just keeps gazing at him. Jared doesn’t think he’s ever seen that look in Jensen’s eyes before. Fear, yes. But also gratitude to the point of almost reverence. Like he can’t believe Jared is actually letting him do this. He opens his mouth but closes it again, breathing deeply in and out through his nose before licking his lips, and then he says, voice all rough and scratchy, “We can switch.”
Jared stares at him. Jensen’s pupils are big and black, and his nostrils flare with every breath, but despite the obvious fear he looks determined, and Jared knows that if he said yes, Jensen would lay back and give himself over, just like that. And possibly have a panic attack and end up a crying, shivering, regressed ten-year-old as a result. From the look on Jensen’s face he knows that as well, but he’s still offering.
Jesus. How could Jared ever doubt Jensen’s feelings for him?
“I love you,” he says, his voice choked by the lump in his throat. “You know that, right?”
Jensen looks a little surprised, like he’s not sure where that figures into this, but he nods anyway. “I...” he tries but doesn’t get any further, and after some frustrated grimacing he lays his hand on Jared’s chest, right over his heart, and presses down. His fingers are sticky with spit and hopefully nothing else considering where they were just a minute ago. It’s a little gross to tell the truth, but combined with the intense look in Jensen’s eyes it’s the most romantic declaration of love Jared could wish for.
“I know,” he says and smiles. Jensen breathes out, smiling as well, and leans over to kiss Jared on the lips. It’s crooked and awkward and amazing. When Jensen pulls back Jared grins up at him and says, “There’s lube and condoms in the drawer over there. Suit up and get in me.”
Jensen’s eyes shift, still conflicted, but Jared just nudges him with a smile and after a moment Jensen rolls away. Jared can hear him rooting around in the bedside drawer. Jared keeps still, breathing slowly, eyes on the wall. He’s not sure why Jensen needs to do it this way, hiding behind Jared’s back, but it doesn’t matter. Jared would gladly do it with a bag over his head if he thought that would help.
Even if he heard the snap of the cap being opened he still jumps a little when Jensen’s cold, slick fingers slip into him. There are still only two, and, as Jensen shifts his fingers inside him, Jared absently wonders if maybe he should ask Jensen to add another before they continue. Just in case. But before he has time to figure out how to say it without sounding again like he’s scared - because he’s not - Jensen slides his fingers out, and then his cock is there, pushing in.
Oh God. That’s... big! Too big, too big, too big! Oh God! No way it’s gonna... Ow! Fuck. He grits his teeth. Shit, that hurt. Stings like a bitch. But okay, better now. This is okay. He can do this. He... His eyes widen as Jensen pushes deeper and deeper, until he feels like his eyeballs might pop right out of his head.
“Oh God. Jensen... Oh.”
Jensen is breathing heavily, the hand spreading Jared’s ass open slipping suddenly on the sweaty skin, and Jared knows he’ll have bruises from Jensen’s cramped fingers as he scrambles to recover his grip. He keeps pushing until his hipbones hit the curve of Jared’s ass, and then he finally goes still, his breath shuddering at Jared’s neck.
Jared sucks in a breath slowly. “Jesus.” His voice is wrecked, and they haven’t even started. “That’s... Wow. Okay. I’m okay.”
Jensen doesn’t answer, and Jared turns his head, trying to see his face, but it’s once again out of his line of vision. The pressure of Jensen’s dick in his ass is overwhelming, but he doesn’t want to move if Jensen is freaking out back there. “Jensen? Are you... are you okay?”
Jensen just breathes. He lays his forehead between Jared’s shoulder blades, rubbing it up and down, but stays otherwise completely still.
It takes Jared a while to realize what Jensen is waiting for, and by that time he’s close to desperate. “You can move. God, please. Move. C’mon.”
Jensen presses his lips into the soft skin behind Jared’s ear and then finally he starts moving. It’s slow and careful and God, so weird and strange and big and intense and not exactly good but it doesn’t really hurt that much either, not anymore. It’s just really, really weird. Is it supposed to be like this? Because it doesn’t feel like something people should be so excited about.
Jensen shifts his hips a little and Jared gasps. Oh, okay. That, that was good. That was... Oh! Jesus Christ! Really fucking good.
“Do that again,” he whimpers. “Jensen, do...That! Oh God. Ungh! Again.”
As Jensen picks up the pace Jared’s mind goes slowly but surely insane. He thinks that has to be it, because there’s no way it can really feel this good. C’mon, it’s a dick in his ass. A big thick cock pushing into his very tight ass. How on earth can that feel this amazing?
Jensen grunts, fingers grabbing Jared’s thigh tighter, and Jared realizes he’s been pushing back, trying to get Jensen to go deeper, harder, faster. If he isn’t careful he’ll buck Jensen right off the goddamn bed.
“Wait, wait,” he gasps, catching hold of Jensen’s hip and stopping him. “Wanna try...” He eases over on his stomach, slowly so Jensen won’t fall off or pull out and spreads his legs the best he can on the narrow bed. “Like this,” he says. “Harder.”
Jensen growls and raises himself up on his hands. “Fuck,” he hisses, and before Jared can say, ‘Yeah, that’s the idea,’ Jensen slams inside, so hard Jared skitters up the bed and bumps his head into the wall.
It doesn’t take long after that. His cock is trapped underneath him, squished into the sweat-damp mattress, and every thrust rubs it harder into the sheet. Jensen is panting above him, hips shooting forward fast and slightly erratic, and when he leans over and breathes down Jared’s neck, that’s it, he’s done. He yells, a short and surprised sound that, if he was more coherent, he’d worry might be heard all over the dorm, and then he’s shaking and trembling and gasping for breath. Jensen sucks in his breath, thrusting in once, twice. He lets out a small noise that gets cut off when he falls forward and bites down on Jared’s shoulder. Then he lies there shaking, air whistling through his nostrils. He’s heavy enough that Jared is having trouble breathing, but he’s too wiped out to care. Instead he lies still, waiting for his heart to slow down.
Jesus Christ, that was... Oh wow.
It takes him a moment to realize Jensen’s breathing isn’t slowing down. That he’s still shaking, and that the reason his lips are locked on Jared’s skin is because he’s trying to keep himself quiet.
“Jensen?” Jared tries to roll over but Jensen tightens his hold, keeping him trapped underneath. “Hey, it’s okay. Jensen, it’s okay. Let me see you.”
He tugs on Jensen’s hand and gently pulls him off his back. There’s a wet sound, first when Jensen’s mouth reluctantly lets go off Jared’s shoulder, and then when his dick slips out. They’re making a mess, but Jared doesn’t care. He shifts over on his side, back against the wall, so Jensen can lie down facing up. His eyes are closed, but there are tears staining his cheeks, and his nose is pink, and his breath is still hitching.
“Hey,” Jared says softly. He kisses Jensen’s cheek, then his nose then his lips. “That was amazing. You were amazing.”
Jensen squeezes his eyes tighter shut.
“I love you.”
Jensen presses his lips together, but a small sob still manages to escape.
“It’s okay to feel overwhelmed,” Jared says with a smile. “I mean, obviously I am a fantastic lay.”
Jensen hiccups but the corners of his lips twitch, just a little.
“I mean it! You could sleep with every man on the planet and never find another ass like mine. It’s unique.”
Jensen blinks his eyes open. They’re still wet, the skin all red and swollen, but there’s a glint in them that has Jared’s stomach flipping, and when Jensen smiles his eyes crinkle at the corners, making him look breathtakingly beautiful. He shakes his head, fumbling for Jared’s hand and braiding their fingers together.
Jared smiles. “Just us,” he agrees and leans over to kiss him. “You and me.”
He pretends he doesn’t notice Jensen’s eyes swim over but snuggles down, fumbling behind him for the covers to pull over them. When Jensen turns a few minutes later, back against Jared’s chest and tugging on Jared’s arm until it’s tight around his waist, he might even get a little misty eyed himself.
Chapter 4 | Chapter 6