Fic: Bumfuck, Nowhere. SPN. RPS. Jensen/Jared, Dean/Sam. NC-17 4/5
Continued from here.
“Jensen, wake up. Jen, hey!”
Jensen stirred awake, slowly, like swimming through syrup up to the surface. He turned his head, drowsy with sleep, and squinted against the soft bedside light. Jared was watching him. He looked so much like Sam that Jensen couldn’t help the blush tinting his cheeks and he awkwardly touched his tingling lips with his fingertips. “Wha’?”
“Shit, were you sleeping sleeping?” Jared said, sitting up. “Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I-“
“No, I was there. I was there.” Jensen sat up as well, rubbing a hand over his face. “It was the same as always,” he lied. He didn’t know why. Because he didn’t want to get Jared’s hopes up. Because he didn’t want to get his own hopes up. Both. “You just woke me up before it turned bad. Thank you.”
“What I’m here for.” Jared was still watching him. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m good.”
He was so tired, he couldn’t think. He needed to think! Why were his dreams changing? Why were they suddenly hopeful? He didn’t trust them. He’d had too much horror; he couldn’t see why they’d change for the better for no apparent reason. It had to be a trick, luring him to lay down his guards, to let go, to let the darkness sneak up and swallow him.
“You want to get up?” Jared asked.
He sounded sincere but Jensen could see how drowsy he was. Jensen shook his head. “How about you lend me that book?” he said, even if they both knew his eyes were too tired to read the words. “I’ll read a bit, you sleep.”
“Okay,” Jared indulged him, reaching for the book and handing it over. “Hope you like Vonnegut.”
“Slaughterhouse Five more than Cat’s Cradle,” he said, though he honestly couldn’t remember reading either of them. He checked the cover. “Oh well.”
“Sorry. I can find you something else. Something…” Jared paused. “Something with a bigger font maybe,” he said gently. “You having forgotten your glasses and all.”
“This is fine.” He was just going to sit there and stare into the dark after all. “You, sleep.”
Jared held his gaze then lowered himself back down on the pillow. “Wake me up if you need me. I mean it.”
“Sure.”
Jared looked like he wanted to argue the point, but sleep was already tugging at his eyelids and before long he was out like a light.
Jensen lowered the book and looked at him. Damn, he really was gorgeous. Jensen sighed. Looked back at the book. The words swam on the page. He lowered it again and stared up at the ceiling. At least he wasn’t alone. Jared snuffled in his sleep and Jensen smiled. He’d had worse nights. He was just going to sit there and enjoy the company. He put the book on the nightstand and leaned his head back.
Warm breath brushed his face, fast and shallow. Jensen opened his eyes. Jared was staring at him, eyes wide and shocked. “What the hell was that?”
Jensen’s heart sank. Shit. Not Jared. Sam.
Dean panicked. “Shit, Sam, I’m sorry.” He rolled away and was halfway out of bed when Sam’s big hand slammed down on his shoulder and yanked him back.
“Nuhuh. Stay,” Sam ordered, and Dean instantly obeyed, rolling over on his back like a good little puppy. Jensen would be embarrassed on his behalf if Sam’s voice didn’t kinda make him want to roll over, too. “We’re talking about this,” Sam said. He was half-sitting up, looming over Dean. His face was unreadable. It was terrifying. “You kissed me. Dean, you… You kissed me!”
“I know! I’m sorry! Fuck, Sammy, I’m sorry,” Dean said, his voice high and fast. “I don’t know what came over me. It was like there was this voice inside my head telling me this was my last chance, and I couldn’t just…” He waved his hand. “I had to!”
Sam frowned. “What do you mean, your last chance?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know!” Dean insisted when Sam just glared at him. “Like we’re about to die or something.”
“We’re always about to die,” Sam dismissed. “That’s not what I meant. I meant why your last chance?” He tilted his head, eyes narrowing. “Is this something you’ve been thinking about?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “No, Sam. I just decided to kiss my brother, because I thought it would be funny!”
Sam glared at him. “Hey, you don’t get to be pissed at me, okay? I’m trying to figure out what the hell is happening here.” He leaned over further, staring into Dean’s eyes. “Like if you’re fucking possessed or something.”
Dean scowled. “I’m not possessed! You wanna know what’s happening, Sam?” he said, jerking away and out of bed before Sam could stop him. He started pacing, hands on top of his head, fingers digging into his skull. “I think we’re gonna die. I don’t know how I know it, or even how it’s gonna happen, but if I’m right… If I’m right I don’t wanna die without-”
Dean stopped. He turned, looking down at Sam. Jensen could feel fear burning like acid in Dean’s stomach. “If we’re about to die, I’d rather you die mad at me than not knowing how much I fucking love you,” he said quietly.
Sam stared at him. If Jensen hadn’t been stuck inside Dean’s head, he would be staring at him, too. Wow. He actually said it. “And you know what?” Dean added with renewed indignance, even though his voice was shaking. “You fucking kissed me back!”
“Instinct,” Sam said, a little too fast. “You surprised me! I just woke up!”
Dean gaped at him. “You stuck your tongue in my mouth!”
Whoa! Guess Jensen missed a bit.
Sam’s face flushed pink. “I got caught up in the moment!”
“Yeah! The moment of kissing me back!” Dean stabbed a finger at him. “Because you liked it!”
Okay, what was happening? Were these morons actually arguing over who did what just so they didn’t have to talk about the fact that they’d just committed incest? And Jensen had thought the monsters were crazy. This was a whole new chapter of craziness, all on its own.
“Well, maybe I did! Maybe I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me!” Sam spat out as he shot to his feet.
Dean froze. Jensen could feel his confusion, like he’d never expected Sam to actually admit that he’d liked it. “What?”
Sam swiped a stray lock of hair out of his face, the anger gone as suddenly as it had appeared. He looked awkward, almost shy. “Maybe I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me, Dean,” he said quietly. “Like forever.”
Dean’s mouth opened. Closed. He swallowed. “What?” he croaked out.
Sam stepped closer. “You knew. You must have known. Why else would you kiss me?” He lowered his voice. “Your little brother.”
A shiver ran up Dean’s spine, and he licked his lips. Sam’s eyes followed the movement.
Jensen suddenly wished himself away, awake, anywhere but there. He’d known they loved each other to an insane degree, but for the first time it hit him that the incest thing might actually be a part of their attraction to each other. He did not judge people for their kinks - he had a few of his own - but that didn’t mean he wanted to join in.
Dean cleared his throat. “No, I didn’t know. I mean, I… I hoped, maybe but… You’ve been waiting?”
Sam shrugged. There were pink spots in his cheeks that made him look twenty years younger. “I mean, sort of? Hoping anyway.” He grimaced. “Never thought it’d be a fuck or die situation.”
“It’s not…” Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I still think we’re gonna die, Sammy. I don’t know how I know it, I just…”
Sam looked at him. Then he breathed in and nodded. “Okay.” His lips curled into a small smile. “Well, if we’re gonna die anyway…” He took a step closer.
Dean looked up at him. Jensen could feel a wave of happiness swell inside him. “Yeah?” he asked, tongue darting out to wet his lips again.
Sam’s eyes darkened.
Oh, I need to go! Jensen thought in panic, and then he was wrapped up in Sam’s arms, being kissed the way he’d never been kissed before. Like he was about to be devoured. Like Sam was a conqueror, claiming him as his prize. Jensen heard Dean think, ‘Oh Jesus! Sammy!’ and then-
Jensen woke up abruptly to Jared gazing down at him, warm hand on his shoulder. The room was almost bright, he could hear birds singing outside.
“Hey.” Jared smiled hesitantly. “You were making noises, thought I’d better make sure you were okay.”
Jensen’s face went up in flames. “Uhm…”
Jared blinked in surprise. Then it obviously dawned on him, and a grin spread over his face. “Really?”
“Shut up!” But Jensen was grinning before he could help it. “I don’t know! I somehow made Dean kiss Sam and…” He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling almost bashful. “Turns out it was mutual.”
“I told you!” Jared boasted, though Jensen couldn’t remember him actually doing so. His grin turned positively wicked. “Did they have sex?”
“Dude, seriously!” Jensen groaned. His face was burning. “I was in Dean’s head, man. While they… Just, thank you for waking me up. That was way too close.”
Jared snorted. “Oh, like you wouldn’t have enjoyed it. You told me Sam was a stud.”
“I told you he looked like you,” Jensen corrected, smiling. “But no, I would not have enjoyed it, you pervert.” The smile slipped. “Seriously, that was way too close. I was fighting to get out.”
Jared sobered up instantly. He reached out, warm fingers touching Jensen’s face, concern in his eyes. “Shit. I didn’t think. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
Jensen shrugged. Smiled as genuinely as he could manage. “I’m fine. He was just very intense. Sam,” he elaborated when Jared frowned. “Like, caveman intense.”
Jared went still. “Violent?”
Jensen shook his head. He was having a hard time looking Jared in the eye. “Dominating.”
“Ah.” Jared relaxed. He propped his head up on his hand, studying Jensen with a small smile. “Too dominating?”
Jensen glanced at him then looked away again. “No. At least, I think Dean liked it.”
Oh, he knew Dean did. Hit him right in the sweet spot. He folded like a cheap whore, there really was no other way to describe it. If Sam had been looking for a dom-sub relationship, he’d found his perfect match. For however a short time they had left.
Jared was still watching him, maintaining the heat in Jensen’s cheeks. “Not your thing?” Jared asked. His voice sounded oddly neutral but when Jensen glanced at him again his face looked the same, if slightly more interested.
“I mean, I didn’t hate it,” Jensen had to admit. “It was…” He groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “Fuck.”
“Jen?”
“It was fucking hot as hell, okay?” he said, voice muffled behind his hands. He felt embarrassed, mortified. God, his dick was even hard. What was wrong with him? They were brothers! “Sam’s a beast of a man, he handled Dean like it was nothing. Seriously, muscles like goddamn Conan the barbarian.” He pulled his hands away, staring up at the ceiling. “I felt like a dainty girl.”
Jared was staring at him. He licked his lips. “Jeez, now I feel inadequate,” he finally said and flopped down on his pillow.
It was Jensen’s turn to prop himself up to look at Jared. He was probably joking but there was still something in his voice. “Don’t. He also has scars all over his body and a death sentence hanging over his head. You’re way better off.”
Jared held his gaze so long Jensen almost had to look away. “I guess,” he finally said. He looked like he wanted to say something else but then changed his mind. “You wanna try and get some more sleep?”
Jensen grimaced. “Better not risk it yet. Don’t wanna end up in an accidental three-way.” He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. “It’s almost morning.”
“Least no one died this time,” Jared said. “Maybe you should just sleep with me from now on.”
Jensen huffed a laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“Maybe. You should just sleep. With me. From now on,” Jared repeated, holding his gaze.
Jensen held his breath. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening but if there was a chance... “Maybe I should,” he said slowly.
Jared smiled. “C’mon, I’ll make you coffee,” he said and rolled out of bed, leaving Jensen blinking up at the ceiling. What had just happened?
He managed to stay awake - sunglasses that Jared had retrieved from the floor lodged firmly on his nose -the whole drive to the city, fueled on three cups of coffee, half a piece of toast and one fifth of an omelet, all made by Jared since they made a silent agreement to stay away from the diner, until Jensen had some answers for any angry townsfolk lying in wait. He still had no idea what to tell them, hadn’t had the energy to even look at the folder of files waiting in his duffle bag. He felt a bit bad about that, but then again their demands were unreasonable under the circumstances. They’d just have to wait.
The protein shake Jared had made him “for the road” stayed untouched, wedged in between Jensen’s thighs, despite Jared’s encouraging glances. Jensen figured he’d rather try and keep down what he’d already eaten than throw it all up from drinking that godawful mud.
Jensen stayed dozing in the car while Jared picked up medical supplies and fodder as well as some groceries for the both of them. Apparently there used to be a small mom-and-pop store in town but it closed down a few years before Jared moved there. Couldn’t keep up with the cheaper supermarkets in the bigger city, Jared told him, sounding sad. It’s the way things went these days. Tale as old as capitalism. Didn’t mean he had to like it.
Dr Maxwell was a grateful dog owner that managed to squeeze them in on his round at the county hospital. He greeted Jared with a smile and a hearty handshake, while Jensen squinted against the bright overhead lights that were trying their best to burrow into his skull. The doc’s easy smile faded into a frown when he took him in.
“Yeah, that’s not good,” Dr Maxwell said, clearly not a man that bothered with pleasantries. “Sit down before you fall over, son. Tell me what’s going on.”
Jensen reined in his temper with a thin smile and sat down. He didn’t know why he felt so defensive, he’d gone through this same routine so many times now. Or maybe that was why.
He went over his medical history in as few words as possible, and not just because he was becoming too tired to form them in his mouth. His tongue felt too big, his lips numb. He kept trailing off, forgetting what he meant to say. Finally he just stopped, his mind gone blank. He closed his eyes. The doctor was saying something, but Jensen had stopped listening. His chin dropped. He was falling forward in slow motion, then suddenly faster. Someone (Jared?) caught him before he hit the floor.
“Whoa there. Maybe you should lie down. Jensen? Jensen?”
“Dean, no! Dean!”
Jensen forced his eyes open. Everything was hazy, as if they were surrounded by a thick fog. Dean’s mouth, nose, throat was filling up with blood. He tried to call Sam’s name but only managed a gurgle as he started to drown in his own blood. He raised his head and saw Sam, running towards him, heedless of the monster coming at him out of the dark.
Jensen wanted to scream! No! Not again! Not now! They’d worked it out! They’d fixed it! This was not supposed to happen!
Last thing Dean saw before everything went black was Sam on the ground, blood spewing out of his neck as his throat was ripped out.
“And that’s your flower in the attic, off to the main stage! Wish him luck, he’s gonna need it. Luci’s not a patient lover, unlike me.”
Dean gasped for breath, frantically taking in his surroundings. He was naked, standing shivering cold in what looked like some kind of throne room, if the decorator was Wes Craven. The voice - cocky, smarmy, British accent - came from a shadowed doorway.
Before Jensen could even think of where to run, he was shoved down by someone, or something, behind him, hard enough that he heard his knees crack. The voice… What had it been saying about-
Sam! SAMMY!
Dean screamed and tried to get up, but he was shoved down again, his hair gripped, and his head forced back, exposing his throat. If Jensen had had lungs, he would have been hyperventilating, but although Dean’s breathing was coming fast and shallow it was fueled by blind fury, not fear.
A short, balding, smartly dressed man - no, demon - stepped out of the shadows and strolled over, close enough that Jensen could smell sulfur on his breath. He looked normal, human, except for his eyes which were red like fire.
“You know what, you’ve been such a pain in my royal arse for so long,” the demon said. “Now you’re finally here, I think it’s time I’ll be one in yours.” He smiled. “But first, some hors-d’oeuvres.”
He flicked his tongue and brought out a knife, swiftly slicing one of Dean’s nipples right off, popping it into his mouth.
Dean gasped in shock. He didn’t even have time to scream before the knife returned, plunging high into the middle of his chest, then down, cutting through the cartilage, before cracking his ribs open with its hands. The demon reached inside and pulled out Dean’s heart, ripping it free from the arteries.
“Oh, my love,” the demon cooed. “Come to daddy.” Then it sunk its teeth into the still pulsating muscle.
Dean didn’t even fight when they kicked his legs apart, he just watched the blood spread in a widening puddle around him, like a red, red lake.
Jensen blinked his eyes open. He was lying on his back on a rather hard bench. Jared was looking down at him, big eyes dark with worry, warm hand clutching Jensen’s own. His arm hurt but then it felt better, and when he rolled his head over to the other side, he saw a nurse slipping a blood pressure cuff off his arm. “70/50,” she said. “Heart rate 32. Oh hey, you’re back. Dr Maxwell, he’s awake.”
Jensen blinked at her, slowly. Everything seemed to be slow. His throat hurt. His chest hurt. His… He hurt inside. He didn’t want to think about why. (It had gone on forever and ever and-) He could taste blood on his tongue. “Wha’ happened?” he mumbled.
“You fell asleep,” Jared said softly before the nurse could answer. Jensen rolled his head toward him, gazing at Jared through heavy eyelids. “It happened really fast. You were talking, and then you collapsed. And then you screamed. A lot.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand. “It was fucking scary.”
“’M sorry,” Jensen murmured. “They died. Dean-”
It hit him then, what it meant, and it was like being cracked open all over again. His face crumpled, his breath jumped repeatedly in his throat, as if unable to reach his lungs.
Jared’s big warm hand cupped his cheek, thumb wiping at the wetness under his eyes. “Jensen, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
Jensen shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “It didn’t stop,” he whispered. “It didn’t stop!”
He could hear Jared sniffle. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jen.”
Jensen covered his eyes with his hand. He wanted to crawl into a dark space and hide, from his disappointment, from the hopelessness of it all. “I can’t do this anymore,” he choked out between heaving breaths.
Jared pressed his lips against his temple. “Sshh, I know. I know, baby.”
“I give up. I give up. I can’t do this anymore.” He wiped at his eyes, at the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. “I’d rather die.”
Jared’s breath hitched. “No. Jen, please. We’re gonna fix it. Doc?”
Jensen hid his face behind his hand again. He’d forgotten they weren’t alone. Jesus, he was crying like a child.
“Please, don’ lemme fall asleep,” he pleaded uselessly. He was so tired, he felt like he was breathing under water. He was so damn close to slipping under again, there was no way he could fight it. God, he was so scared! “Please!”
“Jensen,” Dr Maxwell said firmly. “Listen to me. We’re going to figure this out, but you’ve got to calm down.”
Jensen nodded. He breathed deeply, swallowed his tears. Squeezed Jared’s hand as hard as he could. “I’m okay,” he said hoarsely. Lied. “I’m, I’m good. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Dr Maxwell smiled down at him reassuringly. “I called your doctor in New York while you were out, he sent your files over. Looking at his numbers, you’ve taken a severe dive since he saw you last week.” He checked his clipboard before looking up again, shaking his head. “I’m amazed you managed to drive yourself down here in one piece. Honestly, not the smartest thing to do in your condition. I know,” he said when Jensen made to argue, “You probably didn’t realize how serious it was becoming. A tired brain is a stupid brain. Thing is, with sleep deprivation, once you go over a certain limit, it goes downhill pretty darn fast. That’s what’s happening now, and it’s not good. Not good at all.” He tapped his pen against the clipboard’s edge. “It’s putting an immense strain on your body. Unless you get some rest, eventually it will become too much for it to handle.”
Jensen was struggling to keep his eyes open. “At least then it’ll be over,” he mumbled.
“Don’t!” Jared snapped. “Don’t talk like that. We’re gonna get through this.”
Jensen’s head felt strangely heavy, it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. “We?”
Jared just glared at him. “Yeah, we.” His face softened and he shifted closer. “Jensen, listen,” he said. He looked slightly nervous. “When you’re better, when this is over, I…”
Jensen didn’t hear the rest. Everything had gone very quiet. Something was wrong, he could feel it. Like the world was ending but all he could feel was relief, because it meant he would finally rest. His eyes fell shut. He heard a long wailing beep and then nothing.
“Jesus fucking Christ, don’t you ever do that again!”
Jensen blinked his eyes open. It was becoming worryingly repetitive, waking up to Jared being upset. “Wha?” he rasped. His mouth felt weird, like he couldn’t move it right.
“Your heart fucking stopped, that’s what!” Jared ran his fingers through his hair. It was unruly, like this was far from the first time he’d done the same gesture. “You scared the shit out of me!”
Jensen glanced around, squinting as he tried to focus. He was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of machines. A monitor was showing his heartbeat and blood pressure, an IV was lined to the inside of his elbow. “W’s I? Out long?”
Jared rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah. First for like six hours after they resuscitated you. Apparently, you’re lucky that’s all, some people are in a coma for days! Or forever!” Jared glared, like Jensen had done it on purpose. He was starting to realize why Jared was looking so spooked. “Then after you woke up you just kept falling asleep, scaring the shit out of everyone with your screaming. They ended up knocking you out.”
Jensen blinked. “Anesthesia?”
The word was barely a breathed-out hiss but Jared somehow understood him. “Yeah. Four hours at first. Then again for three after that because…” Jared swallowed. “You kept going back.”
Jensen frowned. “Don’ rem’ber.”
Jared slumped in relief. Jesus, it must have been really bad. Jared looked worn out, like he was the one who’d been to Hell and back, multiple times. Jensen patted Jared’s hand, his own weirdly numb and heavy. “B’n here?”
“Yeah. No. I went home for a few hours. I had to check on my patients. Other than you,” he added with a strained smile. “Called in a favor, got a friend to cover for me. Then I came back.”
Jensen rubbed his eyes. He still felt disoriented. “Time?”
Jared glanced at his watch. “Three am.”
Jensen stared at him. “Jesus! Go home. Sleep.” His tongue was getting easier to manage but it was still hard to find the words and make them come out of his mouth.
“No.” Jared looked away. His hand was trembling when he ran it over his face. “You died, Jen. You died.”
Something in Jensen’s chest bloomed warm and liquid. “Didn’t die,” he said gently. He knew death. Death was painful, and bloody and terrifying. Death was a prelude to an eternity of torture. This had been… soft. Quiet. A relief. “Heart stopped. Happens. All the time.”
“Not to-” Jared dropped his head. His hair fell into his eyes. He looked beat. He looked absolutely beautiful. “Not to people I care about.”
“’M sorry.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand, willing him to look at him. “Didn’t mean… We…” He frowned, annoyed. Why was he having such trouble talking? “Four days,” he pointed out in a low voice. “You ‘n me.”
Jared finally looked up. His eyes were big and deep and dark. “Four days is all I need,” he said.
Jensen breathed in. He-
Dr Maxwell burst into the room. “Good, you’re up. How are you feeling? Well, I can see your heart rate is finally up! That’s good.”
Jared pulled slowly away to give them room, but his eyes never left Jensen, who had trouble concentrating on what the doctor was telling him. His mind was strangely wired, even if his body still felt beat.
“I know it’s a bit hard to talk right now,” Dr Maxwell said soothingly, “but that’s normal. Your brain is still recovering from the cardiac arrest. Cuts the oxygen off,” he explained. “Brains generally don’t like that. You’re lucky it happened here so we could jumpstart your heart in record time. Good news though, your vitals are a lot better. Guess you got a bit of a rest after all.”
Dr Maxwell smiled down at him before his face once again turned somber. “Those nightmares though.” He shook his head. “Damn terrifying. And strange,” he added, looking intrigued. “Brainwaves show no deep or even light sleep, you just jump right into REM with off-the-charts activity, almost like you’re awake the whole time. Never seen anything like it. No wonder you’re exhausted. Your brain is essentially being terrorized the whole time you should be resting. Fascinating.”
His face turned serious again. “Honestly, I have no idea why it’s happening, but unless we find a way to stop these nightmares, you will go downhill again, probably even faster. And I’d rather not have to knock you out every time you need to sleep. Anesthesia is risky business. We don’t generally like to use it as medicine.”
“I feel better,” Jensen said. The mere idea of being put under, repeatedly, was terrifying. “I’m okay. Can I go?” He glanced at Jared who smiled, even if he looked worried.
“You are far from okay,” Dr Maxwell said brusquely. “I would like for you to stay, to let us monitor you. A cardiac arrest is no joke. It could very well happen again if you continue down this same road.”
Jensen shook his head. If he was gonna die, he refused to do it in a hospital where the nurses weren’t even hot. Jensen frowned. Where the hell had that thought come from? Seemed sleep deprivation wasn’t just turning his brain stupid, it was turning it sleazy. And bisexual. Which he definitely wasn’t. Was it Dean? Was Dean now in his head? Well, hope he liked the goddamn mess he’d made in there. “Sorry, no. I’m not staying. I wanna go.”
The doctor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I can’t hold you, it’s your choice, but I’m serious. If things don’t improve, there’s a very high risk of you going into shock or a repeat heart failure. Eventually your body will fail. Rest is essential to a person’s survival.”
“I know. But I’m not staying,” Jensen repeated. If there was nothing they could do except revive him if and when his heart failed, he’d rather it give out somewhere else. Somewhere where he would be allowed to go on his own terms. He’d had enough.
Dr Maxwell looked at Jared but Jared just shrugged, looking resigned. “It’s his choice.”
“Goddamn stubborn Texans,” Dr Maxwell muttered. “Jensen, I would like to give you the name of a psychiatrist I know, see if she can help you.”
“I’m not crazy,” Jensen objected, although he probably was. Things like this didn’t happen to mentally stable people.
Dr Maxwell huffed dismissively. “Crazy is a relative term. Jensen, you need to figure out what is going on if you’re going to have a chance at beating this. Before your heart goes boom again.” He leaned in. “Next time there might not be a defibrillator handy.”
Before Jensen could say that was the point, Jared said quickly, “He’ll go see her. I’ll make sure of it.”
Dr Maxwell raised his eyebrow. “Alright. I’m counting on you.” He closed the clipboard and hung it back on the end of the bed before checking the IV bag, nodding. “We’ll pour some more of the good stuff into you, but, barring complications - which there better not be,” he said sternly, “Jared can take you home in the morning. You still have to come in regularly for checkups. Do you have someone to look after you?”
“Yes,” Jared said firmly.
Dr Maxwell shook his head. “Why am I not surprised.” He yawned, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m going home to sleep, I suggest you do the same,” he told Jared then looked at Jensen. “I would tell you the same thing but… Try and get some rest anyway.”
He waved tiredly as he left. Jensen suspected his shift had ended hours ago and he’d just stayed longer because of him. Jared didn’t make any move to leave, except to bring his chair closer to the bed.
“I’ve got someone to look after me?” Jensen asked after a long awkward silence. His tongue was loosening up, his thoughts getting clearer. He still felt tired.
Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you do, dumbass. And you better behave. If I have to tie you to the bed, I will,” he threatened.
Jensen smiled. “Kinky.” He meant it as a joke, but the look Jared sent him made him swallow, his stomach suddenly uncomfortably hot. “I’ll be good. Promise.”
Jared nodded. “Good.” He shifted on the uncomfortable chair, crossing his knees and then uncrossing them again, trying to find a better position.
Jensen sighed. “Jared, I’m okay. Go home.”
Jared shook his head, lips in a stubborn line. “You might fall asleep. I’m not letting you go through that alone.”
“I’m not tired,” Jensen lied and consequently yawned. Jared sent him a pointed look. “Really, Jared, go home.”
“Really, Jensen, shut up.”
Jensen shut up. He lay still. After a while of pretending not to notice Jared looking as comfortable in the chair as a flamingo in a bucket, Jensen sighed and moved over to the edge of the bed, patting the small space beside him. “Come on, you told me you love to cuddle.”
“Accidentally,” Jared reminded him but after a moment he stood up and lay cautiously down on his side, hugging Jensen’s waist. “This okay?”
Jensen smiled. “Yeah.” He wanted to say, ‘I’m not gonna break. Except my mind, probably,’ but he was too tired to speak. He was fading fast but if it happened, at least Jared was there, ready to wake him up.
“Jensen,” Jared said quietly, just as Jensen was slipping away. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”
“Promise,” Jensen mumbled and fell asleep.
He woke up in a dark room with Sam curled up against him, arm and leg slung over his body, heavy and comforting. Sam was snoring, his breath smelled faintly of whiskey. The room smelled like unwashed clothes, gun oil and French fries. And something else, a familiar smell Jensen couldn’t pinpoint. Dean’s body felt worn out, the kind that came from a good workout, or… Oh, that was the smell. Dean shifted just then, groaning as something wet slid down from…
Jensen thought, ‘Eeww!’ He thought, ‘Good for them!’ and ‘Maybe they’ll finally stop harassing me now.’ He thought, ‘I better get out of here, before Sam wakes up and wants another round.’ Then, ‘I’m not sure Dean’s ass can take another round.’ He thought, ‘I wonder if Jared is that big.’ Then spent the next half hour unable to get that thought out of his head while Sam snored in his ear, and Dean slowly nurtured his morning erection, mind thankfully closed to Jensen in his sleep.
Light started to pour through the window. He could feel Dean start to stir. Jensen panicked. Whatever happened next, awkward morning after, or happy sex time, he did not want to be there.
Dean rolled over on his side, bringing Sam’s arm with him, slotting Sam up against his back. Jensen stiffened. Dean was clearly not the only one sporting morning wood. And that was one goddamn fucking big cock he could feel pressing up against his ass, slipping into his crack. No, not his, Dean’s. Dean’s. And Jensen had to get the hell out of there before the brothers erased the very real line between imagination and assault. Sam buried his nose in Dean’s neck, his warm breath rolling down Dean’s spine. Jensen shivered with a mix of dread and perverse fascination. No! Sam was not Jared! And Jensen was not Dean. And if he didn’t get out of there in the next few seconds something very fragile that they were building between them would shatter, never to be restored. Sam’s big hand slid over Dean’s hip down-
“It’s alright, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
Jensen breathed out in relief, relaxing into Jared’s embrace. They hadn’t moved. Judging from the faint light outside the hospital window Jensen had only been out for a couple of hours, at most.
“Nightmare?” Jared mumbled into his ear. He sounded half asleep already.
“Heading there,” Jensen told him, not elaborating further. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” A few breaths later Jared was snoring softly. Jensen covered his hand on his chest with his own. Then lay watching as the sky slowly turned brighter outside their window.
They left the hospital early the next morning, with an appointed follow-up the next day, the psychiatrist’s number, a diet plan, and a list of easy exercises to build up his muscles and stamina. As well as a promise to call right away or come in if there were any signs of him plummeting.
“Rest, fresh air, food in moderation as you’re building up your appetite. No point bursting your gut! Gentle exercise. Don’t overdo it!”
Jensen nodded yes to everything. It wouldn’t matter. The nightmares were bound to return as soon as he fell asleep. That was his life now, for however short a time it might be.
“You mind if we swing by the Bunker?” Jared said when they’d been driving a while. “Check on Miracle? The dog.”
“I remember.” Jensen rubbed his eyes. He was already beat. “Okay. Bunker?”
“Used to be an old army bunker, before Collins and his wife changed it into a homestead. Off the grid, organic food, the whole shebang.” Jared grinned. “He’s kind of a hippie.”
“Mhm.” Jensen closed his eyes. The sun was warm on his face through the window, the sunglasses barely lessening the bright glare. It was making him feel drowsy. He pushed down the wave of fear turning his stomach. There’d be plenty of time to be terrified when it happened. Any second now.
Jared grabbed his hand, shaking it slightly. “So,” he said, voice loud enough to rouse Jensen back to awareness. “What does a Hollywood wannabe do in his spare time? Or main time. You never told me what it is you do.”
“Funny,” Jensen muttered. He rubbed his eyes. “Uhm, nothing special. I used to work from home as an editor before this happened. Can’t read for shit now. Well, I can but only for a short stint with my screen on night mode and the font embarrassingly big. And it still gives me a fucking headache. In my spare time… I like fixing things.”
“Electrical things?”
Jensen shrugged. “I’m okay with tinkering, but I prefer mechanical things. Clocks, music boxes, stuff like that. You can find lots of broken things in secondhand stores or antique shops. Sometimes I sell them when I’m done, if they’re worth anything that is. Mostly I just do it for fun though.” He yawned, blinking to keep his eyes open. “Used to do woodwork back home but my apartment in New York is too small, need a workshop to do stuff like that.”
“Well, you’ve got plenty of space now, that’s for sure,” Jared said. He looked thoughtful. “How are you at plumbing?”
Jensen frowned. “Okay, I guess. Easy stuff anyway. Your toilet clogged?”
Jared laughed. “No, my toilet is fine. But you own ten properties that need all kinds of fixing and maintaining. Easier if you can do some of it yourself rather than have to call in people from the city all the time.”
“Not sure I should be playing electrician,” Jensen said rather than point out that all of that would be someone else’s problem, once he was dead.
“True. But, you know, the everyday stuff. Changing light bulbs, fixing broken switches. Stuff like that. And plumbing, like unclogging toilets! Not fun but necessary on occasion. And the carpentry stuff! I bet there’s lots you could do there. Some of those buildings haven’t had an upgrade since the sixties. At least. Plus, you can do editing anywhere with a wi-fi and we’ve got that. Sometimes it’s not even that slow.”
“Are you trying to find me something to do so I’ll stay?” Jensen asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“I don’t know. Maybe?” Jared glanced over. “Is it working?”
“Well, unclogging toilets is less of an incentive than you might think,” Jensen pointed out.
“Really? I was sure that one would be a winner.” Jared grinned at him. “There’s also this,” he added after a moment in a quiet voice. His hand turned, only to braid their fingers together. “In case that would make a difference.”
Jensen breathed in slowly. “It could,” he said and didn’t add, ‘If things were different. If I wasn’t dying. If I could promise not to break your heart when I go.’ When Jared smiled at him, Jensen smiled back, silently cursing whatever deity had decided to show him just what he could have, moments before it planned to snuff him out.
Soon as they got out of the car a yellow dog came bundling over, jumping up to greet Jared, with an enthusiasm that spoke of old acquaintance, before padding more cautiously over to Jensen. Jensen slumped down on his haunches, feeling sure that if Miracle was aggressive, Jared wouldn’t be smiling that wide. The dog sniffed Jensen’s hand when he stretched it out, then made a happy snuffling sound before stepping straight into Jensen’s arms, laying his head on Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen wrapped his arms around the dog’s neck, burying his face in the soft fur. He breathed out.
“Never seen him do that before,” Jensen heard the owner, Collins, say. “Wary of strangers, usually.”
“Well, you don’t call him Miracle for nothing,” Jared laughed, sounding slightly choked up.
Again, the name nudged something at the back of Jensen’s brain, but he couldn’t grasp it. A sense of calm settled over him. He felt heavy, his whole body sagging. He was sure he’d break the dog’s back but Miracle bore it, like it was nothing. Guess he really had lost weight.
He heard Jared and Collins talking, something about chicken and goats, and then Jared came over, laying a warm hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Wanna lay down in the grass while you wait? I won’t be long. You could use a tan.”
“I just freckle,” Jensen murmured, letting go of the dog with a last hug before laying dutifully down on the soft sun-warm grass.
“I’ve noticed.” Jared sounded like he was smiling. “It’s cute. I’ll be right back.”
Time passed. The bright sun dimmed and Jensen squinted his eyes open. There was only the blue sky above him, dappled by a few cotton candy clouds, one momentarily covering the sun.
Jensen caught his breath. Gravity pulled at his bellybutton, like there was an umbilical cord dragging him down, down, down. Into the dark earth that moments before had felt safe and warm beneath him. Jensen squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in air through his nostrils, jaw so tight he could hear his molars crack. His fingers were cramping where he’d jabbed them through the dense surface, trying to catch hold. He thought of yelling for Jared but when he opened his mouth there seemed to be no air in his lungs. The pull got tighter, the earth pressing against his back, like it was going to crack open and swallow him. Right down to Hell.
Something soft and warm suddenly touched and then settled against his throat. After a while he felt a light vibration that grew stronger until it felt like a small motor tuning his vocal cords. Jensen blinked his eyes open. He reached up, his earth-stained fingers finding the small body of a kitten, nestling in the crook of his neck, fur as soft as silk.
“I see you found another friend,” he heard Jared say and looked up into his happy face, smiling down at him. He must have given something away because Jared dropped down on his haunches, laying a warm hand on his cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“Was going under,” Jensen whispered, afraid that if he talked too loudly, the kitten would be spooked. “He saved me.”
“I think he might also be a she,” Jared said gently, stroking Jensen’s hair.
Jensen swallowed. “Who’d guess I’d turn into such a chick magnet.”
“Well, Miracle is still a boy. And I’m still a boy. Man,” Jared corrected himself when Jensen smirked. “Very much a man.”
Jensen’s bellybutton loosened as his stomach heated up like soup. “Yeah?”
Jared grinned. “Just you wait and see.”
“You want him?”
Jensen stretched his neck, looking back and up at the man standing by his head. “What?”
“The kitten,” Collins said, gesturing at the soft bundle purring on Jensen’s throat. “He’s one of a bunch I’ve been fostering but he’s ready to be rehomed. If you want him.”
“Still pretty sure she’s a she,” Jared said with a smile. “What do you say, Jen, want a kitten? They’ve got their shots and she’ll be ready to be neutered in about two months. I’ve already got her scheduled.”
Jensen stared up at him, the silent air pregnant with the implication that he had to still be there. Jensen cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “I think I’d like that.”
Jared’s smile was so wide it blocked out the sky.
They made their way home in silence, the kitten sleeping on a blanket, secure in a cage borrowed from Collins, strapped down in the backseat like cargo. The clouds had finally moved in, shielding them from the glaring sun. It might even rain, Jared said, and then they fell quiet again. Jensen stared out at the road in front of them, endless yellow lines disappearing under the car. He wondered how many miles Dean had seen run under his own car. How many he himself would have left before… He closed his eyes, and Jared squeezed his hand until he opened them again. The miles ran by.
It started with a seed of doubt that took root and grew until Jensen felt like his whole chest was filling up with a thorny bush of fear, anger and despair, wrapping its weed around his lungs, making it harder and harder to breathe. His thoughts were spiraling and no matter how much he tried to suppress them, they kept slowly but steadily pulling him under.
“I shouldn’t have taken that cat,” he finally blurted out. “I’m not fit.”
Jared glanced at him. “What? That’s crap. You’re great with animals. They love you.”
“No, it needs a stable home and I’m… not. What when I get worse? Because I will. I will, I will. You know I will.” He knew he was rambling but he couldn’t help it. “I’ll scare the shit out of her with my fucking screaming. And who’s gonna take care of her when I’m gone? Huh? God, I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.”
“Whoa, whoa! Gone where?” Jared’s face suddenly went hard. “Dead? That’s what you’re saying?”
Jensen looked away. Forget stupid, he was a goddamn idiot. “Don’t.”
“No, I will,” Jared growled. It was that mama bear all over again, except this time his anger was directed at Jensen. Its ferocity made him want to curl up and whimper. “Jensen, I will. Because fuck that! I did not just watch you be resuscitated just so you could die all over again!”
Jensen bit his lip. He was not gonna cry. He’d cried enough for a lifetime already. “I’m not gonna get better.”
“You don’t know that!” Jared let go of his hand and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him. “I’m not planning your fucking funeral while you’re still here!”
Jensen hitched his breath. “I can’t do it anymore, Jared. I can’t. It starts again, that’s it, I’m putting an end to it.”
Jared stared at him in shock for so long they almost swerved off the road. “Jensen…”
A tear tickled its way down Jensen’s nose, and he swiped at it. Fuck. “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t tell if you’re you or Sam.” He gestured with his hand. “I can’t tell if it’s my car or Dean’s. I can’t tell… I keep waiting for the pain to start. For them to start…” He covered his eyes with his hand as his shoulders shook. “They’ve raped me so many times I don’t know if I can ever… How can I when I don’t even know what’s real anymore?”
Jared cursed and swung the car to the side of the road, coming to an abrupt halt. He released his seatbelt and turned on the bench, reaching out to palm Jensen’s neck. “Jensen, listen to me. This is real. You’re real. I’m real. Everything that is happening right now, it’s real. I promise you.”
Jensen shook his head. God, he was so tired. “Then why are you here? Huh? Why are you… You are too good to be real. Guys like you…. Guys like me don’t meet guys like you except in fairy tales.”
Jared ran his fingers along the back of Jensen’s neck. “If this was a fairy tale,” he said softly, “we would be kissing.”
“Oh well, there’s my proo-”
Jared’s lips were warm and soft and firm and God, so warm. Jensen’s eyes sprung open as he let out a small, surprised sound and he felt more than heard Jared’s breathless response. Like the kiss had been so spontaneous Jared had forgot to inhale first. Jared kissed him again, pressing his lips firmly against Jensen’s mouth and this time Jensen’s eyes fluttered close on instinct. Right away his head grew heavier. He parted his lips, even as his breathing slowed down, welcoming Jared’s warm tongue when it slipped inside, softly, gently caressing his mouth, his tongue, his teeth. Jensen whimpered, his breathing turning deeper and heavier. He fumbled for something to hold on to as his head began to spin, his hands landing on Jared’s thigh and knee, feeling them warm beneath his fingers. Jared’s big hands gently cradled Jensen’s heavy, heavy head, thumbs stroking his cheeks, mouth kissing, kissing, kissing.
The world tumbled into darkness.
Someone was shaking him, gently. Jensen opened his eyes. It was dark. The air was cooler. When he blinked his eyes a thousand stars came into focus. He drew in a shaky breath. “Sam?”
A warm hand palmed his cheek. “No. It’s me. Jared.”
Jensen sighed in relief. “What happened?”
“You fell asleep. Actually, you’ve been sleeping for about six hours.” Jared looked down at him with concern. “Was it okay? You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you, but I wasn’t sure. No nightmares?”
Jensen sat up and looked around. They were sitting on the blanket he kept in the trunk. In the middle of a field under a star-filled sky. The kitten was fast asleep in Jared’s lap.
“No. No, I think… I don’t remember dreaming anything.”
He still didn’t feel completely rested, he had gone without actual rest for so long it would take more than a few hours to bring him back to normal, but some of the weight had lifted from his chest, his head. For the first time in days, he dared to hope that maybe he wasn’t dying.
“Oh, thank God,” Jared exclaimed then grimaced. “Shit, I shouldn’t have woken you up. It’s just, it’s getting late and…” He ran his fingers awkwardly through his hair. “I was kinda scared, to tell the truth. You were hardly breathing, you were so quiet. I thought maybe I’d misjudged and you’d slipped into a coma or something.”
“No. Thank you. I feel a lot better.” Jensen laughed. He felt giddy, almost drunk. “Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever get to sleep without dreams again. Jesus, how did that happen?” And then he remembered. He turned quickly, catching Jared looking down, biting his lips. “You kissed me.”
Even in the dark Jensen could detect the blush in Jared’s cheeks. “Yeeeah. Sorry?”
Jensen stared at him. “Are you?”
Jared glanced up. His eyes were big, dark. Heated. He shook his head.
“Good. Because that would make this really awkward,” Jensen said and grabbed Jared by the front of his shirt, pulling him in. Jared made a high-pitched squeak that Jensen would definitely tease him about later, and then they were once again kissing and God, it was…
Jensen was lightly aware of having sleep breath, of there being horses in the next field over, neighing, of the kitten climbing his thigh with its sharp tiny claws, of the moon shining big and bright high above. Of Jared’s long fingers cradling his face, the heat of his body sliding over Jensen like a blanket when Jared lowered him down on the ground. Of thinking, ‘If I really am dead my parents were wrong, because this is clearly Heaven.’
They kissed until Jensen started to feel dizzy and had to nudge Jared away, murmuring, “Need oxygen,” to make sure Jared didn’t take it for rejection. His body felt heavy, his head light. His heart was filled with something he didn’t know how to describe. Jared rolled on to his back and they lay there panting, staring up at the stars. Stargazing. Just like he’d been longing to do. Dreaming of…
“Jared?”
Jared turned his head and smiled at him. “Yeah?”
Jensen breathed out. “Just checking.”
He felt Jared fumble for his hand, braiding their fingers together. “This is real,” Jared said softly. “You are not Dean, you are not there. And you are not imagining any of this.”
“Okay.” He swallowed. “Okay. Jared?”
“Yeah?”
“If I were dead, if it’s anything like this, it would be okay.”
“Yeah, well.” Jared cleared his throat and squeezed Jensen’s hand. “You’re not but I’m glad.”
Jensen smiled. He gazed up at the stars, sparkling high, high above.
Concluded here.
“Jensen, wake up. Jen, hey!”
Jensen stirred awake, slowly, like swimming through syrup up to the surface. He turned his head, drowsy with sleep, and squinted against the soft bedside light. Jared was watching him. He looked so much like Sam that Jensen couldn’t help the blush tinting his cheeks and he awkwardly touched his tingling lips with his fingertips. “Wha’?”
“Shit, were you sleeping sleeping?” Jared said, sitting up. “Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I-“
“No, I was there. I was there.” Jensen sat up as well, rubbing a hand over his face. “It was the same as always,” he lied. He didn’t know why. Because he didn’t want to get Jared’s hopes up. Because he didn’t want to get his own hopes up. Both. “You just woke me up before it turned bad. Thank you.”
“What I’m here for.” Jared was still watching him. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m good.”
He was so tired, he couldn’t think. He needed to think! Why were his dreams changing? Why were they suddenly hopeful? He didn’t trust them. He’d had too much horror; he couldn’t see why they’d change for the better for no apparent reason. It had to be a trick, luring him to lay down his guards, to let go, to let the darkness sneak up and swallow him.
“You want to get up?” Jared asked.
He sounded sincere but Jensen could see how drowsy he was. Jensen shook his head. “How about you lend me that book?” he said, even if they both knew his eyes were too tired to read the words. “I’ll read a bit, you sleep.”
“Okay,” Jared indulged him, reaching for the book and handing it over. “Hope you like Vonnegut.”
“Slaughterhouse Five more than Cat’s Cradle,” he said, though he honestly couldn’t remember reading either of them. He checked the cover. “Oh well.”
“Sorry. I can find you something else. Something…” Jared paused. “Something with a bigger font maybe,” he said gently. “You having forgotten your glasses and all.”
“This is fine.” He was just going to sit there and stare into the dark after all. “You, sleep.”
Jared held his gaze then lowered himself back down on the pillow. “Wake me up if you need me. I mean it.”
“Sure.”
Jared looked like he wanted to argue the point, but sleep was already tugging at his eyelids and before long he was out like a light.
Jensen lowered the book and looked at him. Damn, he really was gorgeous. Jensen sighed. Looked back at the book. The words swam on the page. He lowered it again and stared up at the ceiling. At least he wasn’t alone. Jared snuffled in his sleep and Jensen smiled. He’d had worse nights. He was just going to sit there and enjoy the company. He put the book on the nightstand and leaned his head back.
Warm breath brushed his face, fast and shallow. Jensen opened his eyes. Jared was staring at him, eyes wide and shocked. “What the hell was that?”
Jensen’s heart sank. Shit. Not Jared. Sam.
Dean panicked. “Shit, Sam, I’m sorry.” He rolled away and was halfway out of bed when Sam’s big hand slammed down on his shoulder and yanked him back.
“Nuhuh. Stay,” Sam ordered, and Dean instantly obeyed, rolling over on his back like a good little puppy. Jensen would be embarrassed on his behalf if Sam’s voice didn’t kinda make him want to roll over, too. “We’re talking about this,” Sam said. He was half-sitting up, looming over Dean. His face was unreadable. It was terrifying. “You kissed me. Dean, you… You kissed me!”
“I know! I’m sorry! Fuck, Sammy, I’m sorry,” Dean said, his voice high and fast. “I don’t know what came over me. It was like there was this voice inside my head telling me this was my last chance, and I couldn’t just…” He waved his hand. “I had to!”
Sam frowned. “What do you mean, your last chance?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know!” Dean insisted when Sam just glared at him. “Like we’re about to die or something.”
“We’re always about to die,” Sam dismissed. “That’s not what I meant. I meant why your last chance?” He tilted his head, eyes narrowing. “Is this something you’ve been thinking about?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “No, Sam. I just decided to kiss my brother, because I thought it would be funny!”
Sam glared at him. “Hey, you don’t get to be pissed at me, okay? I’m trying to figure out what the hell is happening here.” He leaned over further, staring into Dean’s eyes. “Like if you’re fucking possessed or something.”
Dean scowled. “I’m not possessed! You wanna know what’s happening, Sam?” he said, jerking away and out of bed before Sam could stop him. He started pacing, hands on top of his head, fingers digging into his skull. “I think we’re gonna die. I don’t know how I know it, or even how it’s gonna happen, but if I’m right… If I’m right I don’t wanna die without-”
Dean stopped. He turned, looking down at Sam. Jensen could feel fear burning like acid in Dean’s stomach. “If we’re about to die, I’d rather you die mad at me than not knowing how much I fucking love you,” he said quietly.
Sam stared at him. If Jensen hadn’t been stuck inside Dean’s head, he would be staring at him, too. Wow. He actually said it. “And you know what?” Dean added with renewed indignance, even though his voice was shaking. “You fucking kissed me back!”
“Instinct,” Sam said, a little too fast. “You surprised me! I just woke up!”
Dean gaped at him. “You stuck your tongue in my mouth!”
Whoa! Guess Jensen missed a bit.
Sam’s face flushed pink. “I got caught up in the moment!”
“Yeah! The moment of kissing me back!” Dean stabbed a finger at him. “Because you liked it!”
Okay, what was happening? Were these morons actually arguing over who did what just so they didn’t have to talk about the fact that they’d just committed incest? And Jensen had thought the monsters were crazy. This was a whole new chapter of craziness, all on its own.
“Well, maybe I did! Maybe I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me!” Sam spat out as he shot to his feet.
Dean froze. Jensen could feel his confusion, like he’d never expected Sam to actually admit that he’d liked it. “What?”
Sam swiped a stray lock of hair out of his face, the anger gone as suddenly as it had appeared. He looked awkward, almost shy. “Maybe I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me, Dean,” he said quietly. “Like forever.”
Dean’s mouth opened. Closed. He swallowed. “What?” he croaked out.
Sam stepped closer. “You knew. You must have known. Why else would you kiss me?” He lowered his voice. “Your little brother.”
A shiver ran up Dean’s spine, and he licked his lips. Sam’s eyes followed the movement.
Jensen suddenly wished himself away, awake, anywhere but there. He’d known they loved each other to an insane degree, but for the first time it hit him that the incest thing might actually be a part of their attraction to each other. He did not judge people for their kinks - he had a few of his own - but that didn’t mean he wanted to join in.
Dean cleared his throat. “No, I didn’t know. I mean, I… I hoped, maybe but… You’ve been waiting?”
Sam shrugged. There were pink spots in his cheeks that made him look twenty years younger. “I mean, sort of? Hoping anyway.” He grimaced. “Never thought it’d be a fuck or die situation.”
“It’s not…” Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I still think we’re gonna die, Sammy. I don’t know how I know it, I just…”
Sam looked at him. Then he breathed in and nodded. “Okay.” His lips curled into a small smile. “Well, if we’re gonna die anyway…” He took a step closer.
Dean looked up at him. Jensen could feel a wave of happiness swell inside him. “Yeah?” he asked, tongue darting out to wet his lips again.
Sam’s eyes darkened.
Oh, I need to go! Jensen thought in panic, and then he was wrapped up in Sam’s arms, being kissed the way he’d never been kissed before. Like he was about to be devoured. Like Sam was a conqueror, claiming him as his prize. Jensen heard Dean think, ‘Oh Jesus! Sammy!’ and then-
Jensen woke up abruptly to Jared gazing down at him, warm hand on his shoulder. The room was almost bright, he could hear birds singing outside.
“Hey.” Jared smiled hesitantly. “You were making noises, thought I’d better make sure you were okay.”
Jensen’s face went up in flames. “Uhm…”
Jared blinked in surprise. Then it obviously dawned on him, and a grin spread over his face. “Really?”
“Shut up!” But Jensen was grinning before he could help it. “I don’t know! I somehow made Dean kiss Sam and…” He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling almost bashful. “Turns out it was mutual.”
“I told you!” Jared boasted, though Jensen couldn’t remember him actually doing so. His grin turned positively wicked. “Did they have sex?”
“Dude, seriously!” Jensen groaned. His face was burning. “I was in Dean’s head, man. While they… Just, thank you for waking me up. That was way too close.”
Jared snorted. “Oh, like you wouldn’t have enjoyed it. You told me Sam was a stud.”
“I told you he looked like you,” Jensen corrected, smiling. “But no, I would not have enjoyed it, you pervert.” The smile slipped. “Seriously, that was way too close. I was fighting to get out.”
Jared sobered up instantly. He reached out, warm fingers touching Jensen’s face, concern in his eyes. “Shit. I didn’t think. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
Jensen shrugged. Smiled as genuinely as he could manage. “I’m fine. He was just very intense. Sam,” he elaborated when Jared frowned. “Like, caveman intense.”
Jared went still. “Violent?”
Jensen shook his head. He was having a hard time looking Jared in the eye. “Dominating.”
“Ah.” Jared relaxed. He propped his head up on his hand, studying Jensen with a small smile. “Too dominating?”
Jensen glanced at him then looked away again. “No. At least, I think Dean liked it.”
Oh, he knew Dean did. Hit him right in the sweet spot. He folded like a cheap whore, there really was no other way to describe it. If Sam had been looking for a dom-sub relationship, he’d found his perfect match. For however a short time they had left.
Jared was still watching him, maintaining the heat in Jensen’s cheeks. “Not your thing?” Jared asked. His voice sounded oddly neutral but when Jensen glanced at him again his face looked the same, if slightly more interested.
“I mean, I didn’t hate it,” Jensen had to admit. “It was…” He groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “Fuck.”
“Jen?”
“It was fucking hot as hell, okay?” he said, voice muffled behind his hands. He felt embarrassed, mortified. God, his dick was even hard. What was wrong with him? They were brothers! “Sam’s a beast of a man, he handled Dean like it was nothing. Seriously, muscles like goddamn Conan the barbarian.” He pulled his hands away, staring up at the ceiling. “I felt like a dainty girl.”
Jared was staring at him. He licked his lips. “Jeez, now I feel inadequate,” he finally said and flopped down on his pillow.
It was Jensen’s turn to prop himself up to look at Jared. He was probably joking but there was still something in his voice. “Don’t. He also has scars all over his body and a death sentence hanging over his head. You’re way better off.”
Jared held his gaze so long Jensen almost had to look away. “I guess,” he finally said. He looked like he wanted to say something else but then changed his mind. “You wanna try and get some more sleep?”
Jensen grimaced. “Better not risk it yet. Don’t wanna end up in an accidental three-way.” He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. “It’s almost morning.”
“Least no one died this time,” Jared said. “Maybe you should just sleep with me from now on.”
Jensen huffed a laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“Maybe. You should just sleep. With me. From now on,” Jared repeated, holding his gaze.
Jensen held his breath. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening but if there was a chance... “Maybe I should,” he said slowly.
Jared smiled. “C’mon, I’ll make you coffee,” he said and rolled out of bed, leaving Jensen blinking up at the ceiling. What had just happened?
He managed to stay awake - sunglasses that Jared had retrieved from the floor lodged firmly on his nose -the whole drive to the city, fueled on three cups of coffee, half a piece of toast and one fifth of an omelet, all made by Jared since they made a silent agreement to stay away from the diner, until Jensen had some answers for any angry townsfolk lying in wait. He still had no idea what to tell them, hadn’t had the energy to even look at the folder of files waiting in his duffle bag. He felt a bit bad about that, but then again their demands were unreasonable under the circumstances. They’d just have to wait.
The protein shake Jared had made him “for the road” stayed untouched, wedged in between Jensen’s thighs, despite Jared’s encouraging glances. Jensen figured he’d rather try and keep down what he’d already eaten than throw it all up from drinking that godawful mud.
Jensen stayed dozing in the car while Jared picked up medical supplies and fodder as well as some groceries for the both of them. Apparently there used to be a small mom-and-pop store in town but it closed down a few years before Jared moved there. Couldn’t keep up with the cheaper supermarkets in the bigger city, Jared told him, sounding sad. It’s the way things went these days. Tale as old as capitalism. Didn’t mean he had to like it.
Dr Maxwell was a grateful dog owner that managed to squeeze them in on his round at the county hospital. He greeted Jared with a smile and a hearty handshake, while Jensen squinted against the bright overhead lights that were trying their best to burrow into his skull. The doc’s easy smile faded into a frown when he took him in.
“Yeah, that’s not good,” Dr Maxwell said, clearly not a man that bothered with pleasantries. “Sit down before you fall over, son. Tell me what’s going on.”
Jensen reined in his temper with a thin smile and sat down. He didn’t know why he felt so defensive, he’d gone through this same routine so many times now. Or maybe that was why.
He went over his medical history in as few words as possible, and not just because he was becoming too tired to form them in his mouth. His tongue felt too big, his lips numb. He kept trailing off, forgetting what he meant to say. Finally he just stopped, his mind gone blank. He closed his eyes. The doctor was saying something, but Jensen had stopped listening. His chin dropped. He was falling forward in slow motion, then suddenly faster. Someone (Jared?) caught him before he hit the floor.
“Whoa there. Maybe you should lie down. Jensen? Jensen?”
“Dean, no! Dean!”
Jensen forced his eyes open. Everything was hazy, as if they were surrounded by a thick fog. Dean’s mouth, nose, throat was filling up with blood. He tried to call Sam’s name but only managed a gurgle as he started to drown in his own blood. He raised his head and saw Sam, running towards him, heedless of the monster coming at him out of the dark.
Jensen wanted to scream! No! Not again! Not now! They’d worked it out! They’d fixed it! This was not supposed to happen!
Last thing Dean saw before everything went black was Sam on the ground, blood spewing out of his neck as his throat was ripped out.
“And that’s your flower in the attic, off to the main stage! Wish him luck, he’s gonna need it. Luci’s not a patient lover, unlike me.”
Dean gasped for breath, frantically taking in his surroundings. He was naked, standing shivering cold in what looked like some kind of throne room, if the decorator was Wes Craven. The voice - cocky, smarmy, British accent - came from a shadowed doorway.
Before Jensen could even think of where to run, he was shoved down by someone, or something, behind him, hard enough that he heard his knees crack. The voice… What had it been saying about-
Sam! SAMMY!
Dean screamed and tried to get up, but he was shoved down again, his hair gripped, and his head forced back, exposing his throat. If Jensen had had lungs, he would have been hyperventilating, but although Dean’s breathing was coming fast and shallow it was fueled by blind fury, not fear.
A short, balding, smartly dressed man - no, demon - stepped out of the shadows and strolled over, close enough that Jensen could smell sulfur on his breath. He looked normal, human, except for his eyes which were red like fire.
“You know what, you’ve been such a pain in my royal arse for so long,” the demon said. “Now you’re finally here, I think it’s time I’ll be one in yours.” He smiled. “But first, some hors-d’oeuvres.”
He flicked his tongue and brought out a knife, swiftly slicing one of Dean’s nipples right off, popping it into his mouth.
Dean gasped in shock. He didn’t even have time to scream before the knife returned, plunging high into the middle of his chest, then down, cutting through the cartilage, before cracking his ribs open with its hands. The demon reached inside and pulled out Dean’s heart, ripping it free from the arteries.
“Oh, my love,” the demon cooed. “Come to daddy.” Then it sunk its teeth into the still pulsating muscle.
Dean didn’t even fight when they kicked his legs apart, he just watched the blood spread in a widening puddle around him, like a red, red lake.
Jensen blinked his eyes open. He was lying on his back on a rather hard bench. Jared was looking down at him, big eyes dark with worry, warm hand clutching Jensen’s own. His arm hurt but then it felt better, and when he rolled his head over to the other side, he saw a nurse slipping a blood pressure cuff off his arm. “70/50,” she said. “Heart rate 32. Oh hey, you’re back. Dr Maxwell, he’s awake.”
Jensen blinked at her, slowly. Everything seemed to be slow. His throat hurt. His chest hurt. His… He hurt inside. He didn’t want to think about why. (It had gone on forever and ever and-) He could taste blood on his tongue. “Wha’ happened?” he mumbled.
“You fell asleep,” Jared said softly before the nurse could answer. Jensen rolled his head toward him, gazing at Jared through heavy eyelids. “It happened really fast. You were talking, and then you collapsed. And then you screamed. A lot.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand. “It was fucking scary.”
“’M sorry,” Jensen murmured. “They died. Dean-”
It hit him then, what it meant, and it was like being cracked open all over again. His face crumpled, his breath jumped repeatedly in his throat, as if unable to reach his lungs.
Jared’s big warm hand cupped his cheek, thumb wiping at the wetness under his eyes. “Jensen, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
Jensen shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “It didn’t stop,” he whispered. “It didn’t stop!”
He could hear Jared sniffle. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jen.”
Jensen covered his eyes with his hand. He wanted to crawl into a dark space and hide, from his disappointment, from the hopelessness of it all. “I can’t do this anymore,” he choked out between heaving breaths.
Jared pressed his lips against his temple. “Sshh, I know. I know, baby.”
“I give up. I give up. I can’t do this anymore.” He wiped at his eyes, at the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. “I’d rather die.”
Jared’s breath hitched. “No. Jen, please. We’re gonna fix it. Doc?”
Jensen hid his face behind his hand again. He’d forgotten they weren’t alone. Jesus, he was crying like a child.
“Please, don’ lemme fall asleep,” he pleaded uselessly. He was so tired, he felt like he was breathing under water. He was so damn close to slipping under again, there was no way he could fight it. God, he was so scared! “Please!”
“Jensen,” Dr Maxwell said firmly. “Listen to me. We’re going to figure this out, but you’ve got to calm down.”
Jensen nodded. He breathed deeply, swallowed his tears. Squeezed Jared’s hand as hard as he could. “I’m okay,” he said hoarsely. Lied. “I’m, I’m good. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Dr Maxwell smiled down at him reassuringly. “I called your doctor in New York while you were out, he sent your files over. Looking at his numbers, you’ve taken a severe dive since he saw you last week.” He checked his clipboard before looking up again, shaking his head. “I’m amazed you managed to drive yourself down here in one piece. Honestly, not the smartest thing to do in your condition. I know,” he said when Jensen made to argue, “You probably didn’t realize how serious it was becoming. A tired brain is a stupid brain. Thing is, with sleep deprivation, once you go over a certain limit, it goes downhill pretty darn fast. That’s what’s happening now, and it’s not good. Not good at all.” He tapped his pen against the clipboard’s edge. “It’s putting an immense strain on your body. Unless you get some rest, eventually it will become too much for it to handle.”
Jensen was struggling to keep his eyes open. “At least then it’ll be over,” he mumbled.
“Don’t!” Jared snapped. “Don’t talk like that. We’re gonna get through this.”
Jensen’s head felt strangely heavy, it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. “We?”
Jared just glared at him. “Yeah, we.” His face softened and he shifted closer. “Jensen, listen,” he said. He looked slightly nervous. “When you’re better, when this is over, I…”
Jensen didn’t hear the rest. Everything had gone very quiet. Something was wrong, he could feel it. Like the world was ending but all he could feel was relief, because it meant he would finally rest. His eyes fell shut. He heard a long wailing beep and then nothing.
“Jesus fucking Christ, don’t you ever do that again!”
Jensen blinked his eyes open. It was becoming worryingly repetitive, waking up to Jared being upset. “Wha?” he rasped. His mouth felt weird, like he couldn’t move it right.
“Your heart fucking stopped, that’s what!” Jared ran his fingers through his hair. It was unruly, like this was far from the first time he’d done the same gesture. “You scared the shit out of me!”
Jensen glanced around, squinting as he tried to focus. He was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of machines. A monitor was showing his heartbeat and blood pressure, an IV was lined to the inside of his elbow. “W’s I? Out long?”
Jared rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah. First for like six hours after they resuscitated you. Apparently, you’re lucky that’s all, some people are in a coma for days! Or forever!” Jared glared, like Jensen had done it on purpose. He was starting to realize why Jared was looking so spooked. “Then after you woke up you just kept falling asleep, scaring the shit out of everyone with your screaming. They ended up knocking you out.”
Jensen blinked. “Anesthesia?”
The word was barely a breathed-out hiss but Jared somehow understood him. “Yeah. Four hours at first. Then again for three after that because…” Jared swallowed. “You kept going back.”
Jensen frowned. “Don’ rem’ber.”
Jared slumped in relief. Jesus, it must have been really bad. Jared looked worn out, like he was the one who’d been to Hell and back, multiple times. Jensen patted Jared’s hand, his own weirdly numb and heavy. “B’n here?”
“Yeah. No. I went home for a few hours. I had to check on my patients. Other than you,” he added with a strained smile. “Called in a favor, got a friend to cover for me. Then I came back.”
Jensen rubbed his eyes. He still felt disoriented. “Time?”
Jared glanced at his watch. “Three am.”
Jensen stared at him. “Jesus! Go home. Sleep.” His tongue was getting easier to manage but it was still hard to find the words and make them come out of his mouth.
“No.” Jared looked away. His hand was trembling when he ran it over his face. “You died, Jen. You died.”
Something in Jensen’s chest bloomed warm and liquid. “Didn’t die,” he said gently. He knew death. Death was painful, and bloody and terrifying. Death was a prelude to an eternity of torture. This had been… soft. Quiet. A relief. “Heart stopped. Happens. All the time.”
“Not to-” Jared dropped his head. His hair fell into his eyes. He looked beat. He looked absolutely beautiful. “Not to people I care about.”
“’M sorry.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand, willing him to look at him. “Didn’t mean… We…” He frowned, annoyed. Why was he having such trouble talking? “Four days,” he pointed out in a low voice. “You ‘n me.”
Jared finally looked up. His eyes were big and deep and dark. “Four days is all I need,” he said.
Jensen breathed in. He-
Dr Maxwell burst into the room. “Good, you’re up. How are you feeling? Well, I can see your heart rate is finally up! That’s good.”
Jared pulled slowly away to give them room, but his eyes never left Jensen, who had trouble concentrating on what the doctor was telling him. His mind was strangely wired, even if his body still felt beat.
“I know it’s a bit hard to talk right now,” Dr Maxwell said soothingly, “but that’s normal. Your brain is still recovering from the cardiac arrest. Cuts the oxygen off,” he explained. “Brains generally don’t like that. You’re lucky it happened here so we could jumpstart your heart in record time. Good news though, your vitals are a lot better. Guess you got a bit of a rest after all.”
Dr Maxwell smiled down at him before his face once again turned somber. “Those nightmares though.” He shook his head. “Damn terrifying. And strange,” he added, looking intrigued. “Brainwaves show no deep or even light sleep, you just jump right into REM with off-the-charts activity, almost like you’re awake the whole time. Never seen anything like it. No wonder you’re exhausted. Your brain is essentially being terrorized the whole time you should be resting. Fascinating.”
His face turned serious again. “Honestly, I have no idea why it’s happening, but unless we find a way to stop these nightmares, you will go downhill again, probably even faster. And I’d rather not have to knock you out every time you need to sleep. Anesthesia is risky business. We don’t generally like to use it as medicine.”
“I feel better,” Jensen said. The mere idea of being put under, repeatedly, was terrifying. “I’m okay. Can I go?” He glanced at Jared who smiled, even if he looked worried.
“You are far from okay,” Dr Maxwell said brusquely. “I would like for you to stay, to let us monitor you. A cardiac arrest is no joke. It could very well happen again if you continue down this same road.”
Jensen shook his head. If he was gonna die, he refused to do it in a hospital where the nurses weren’t even hot. Jensen frowned. Where the hell had that thought come from? Seemed sleep deprivation wasn’t just turning his brain stupid, it was turning it sleazy. And bisexual. Which he definitely wasn’t. Was it Dean? Was Dean now in his head? Well, hope he liked the goddamn mess he’d made in there. “Sorry, no. I’m not staying. I wanna go.”
The doctor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I can’t hold you, it’s your choice, but I’m serious. If things don’t improve, there’s a very high risk of you going into shock or a repeat heart failure. Eventually your body will fail. Rest is essential to a person’s survival.”
“I know. But I’m not staying,” Jensen repeated. If there was nothing they could do except revive him if and when his heart failed, he’d rather it give out somewhere else. Somewhere where he would be allowed to go on his own terms. He’d had enough.
Dr Maxwell looked at Jared but Jared just shrugged, looking resigned. “It’s his choice.”
“Goddamn stubborn Texans,” Dr Maxwell muttered. “Jensen, I would like to give you the name of a psychiatrist I know, see if she can help you.”
“I’m not crazy,” Jensen objected, although he probably was. Things like this didn’t happen to mentally stable people.
Dr Maxwell huffed dismissively. “Crazy is a relative term. Jensen, you need to figure out what is going on if you’re going to have a chance at beating this. Before your heart goes boom again.” He leaned in. “Next time there might not be a defibrillator handy.”
Before Jensen could say that was the point, Jared said quickly, “He’ll go see her. I’ll make sure of it.”
Dr Maxwell raised his eyebrow. “Alright. I’m counting on you.” He closed the clipboard and hung it back on the end of the bed before checking the IV bag, nodding. “We’ll pour some more of the good stuff into you, but, barring complications - which there better not be,” he said sternly, “Jared can take you home in the morning. You still have to come in regularly for checkups. Do you have someone to look after you?”
“Yes,” Jared said firmly.
Dr Maxwell shook his head. “Why am I not surprised.” He yawned, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m going home to sleep, I suggest you do the same,” he told Jared then looked at Jensen. “I would tell you the same thing but… Try and get some rest anyway.”
He waved tiredly as he left. Jensen suspected his shift had ended hours ago and he’d just stayed longer because of him. Jared didn’t make any move to leave, except to bring his chair closer to the bed.
“I’ve got someone to look after me?” Jensen asked after a long awkward silence. His tongue was loosening up, his thoughts getting clearer. He still felt tired.
Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you do, dumbass. And you better behave. If I have to tie you to the bed, I will,” he threatened.
Jensen smiled. “Kinky.” He meant it as a joke, but the look Jared sent him made him swallow, his stomach suddenly uncomfortably hot. “I’ll be good. Promise.”
Jared nodded. “Good.” He shifted on the uncomfortable chair, crossing his knees and then uncrossing them again, trying to find a better position.
Jensen sighed. “Jared, I’m okay. Go home.”
Jared shook his head, lips in a stubborn line. “You might fall asleep. I’m not letting you go through that alone.”
“I’m not tired,” Jensen lied and consequently yawned. Jared sent him a pointed look. “Really, Jared, go home.”
“Really, Jensen, shut up.”
Jensen shut up. He lay still. After a while of pretending not to notice Jared looking as comfortable in the chair as a flamingo in a bucket, Jensen sighed and moved over to the edge of the bed, patting the small space beside him. “Come on, you told me you love to cuddle.”
“Accidentally,” Jared reminded him but after a moment he stood up and lay cautiously down on his side, hugging Jensen’s waist. “This okay?”
Jensen smiled. “Yeah.” He wanted to say, ‘I’m not gonna break. Except my mind, probably,’ but he was too tired to speak. He was fading fast but if it happened, at least Jared was there, ready to wake him up.
“Jensen,” Jared said quietly, just as Jensen was slipping away. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”
“Promise,” Jensen mumbled and fell asleep.
He woke up in a dark room with Sam curled up against him, arm and leg slung over his body, heavy and comforting. Sam was snoring, his breath smelled faintly of whiskey. The room smelled like unwashed clothes, gun oil and French fries. And something else, a familiar smell Jensen couldn’t pinpoint. Dean’s body felt worn out, the kind that came from a good workout, or… Oh, that was the smell. Dean shifted just then, groaning as something wet slid down from…
Jensen thought, ‘Eeww!’ He thought, ‘Good for them!’ and ‘Maybe they’ll finally stop harassing me now.’ He thought, ‘I better get out of here, before Sam wakes up and wants another round.’ Then, ‘I’m not sure Dean’s ass can take another round.’ He thought, ‘I wonder if Jared is that big.’ Then spent the next half hour unable to get that thought out of his head while Sam snored in his ear, and Dean slowly nurtured his morning erection, mind thankfully closed to Jensen in his sleep.
Light started to pour through the window. He could feel Dean start to stir. Jensen panicked. Whatever happened next, awkward morning after, or happy sex time, he did not want to be there.
Dean rolled over on his side, bringing Sam’s arm with him, slotting Sam up against his back. Jensen stiffened. Dean was clearly not the only one sporting morning wood. And that was one goddamn fucking big cock he could feel pressing up against his ass, slipping into his crack. No, not his, Dean’s. Dean’s. And Jensen had to get the hell out of there before the brothers erased the very real line between imagination and assault. Sam buried his nose in Dean’s neck, his warm breath rolling down Dean’s spine. Jensen shivered with a mix of dread and perverse fascination. No! Sam was not Jared! And Jensen was not Dean. And if he didn’t get out of there in the next few seconds something very fragile that they were building between them would shatter, never to be restored. Sam’s big hand slid over Dean’s hip down-
“It’s alright, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
Jensen breathed out in relief, relaxing into Jared’s embrace. They hadn’t moved. Judging from the faint light outside the hospital window Jensen had only been out for a couple of hours, at most.
“Nightmare?” Jared mumbled into his ear. He sounded half asleep already.
“Heading there,” Jensen told him, not elaborating further. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” A few breaths later Jared was snoring softly. Jensen covered his hand on his chest with his own. Then lay watching as the sky slowly turned brighter outside their window.
They left the hospital early the next morning, with an appointed follow-up the next day, the psychiatrist’s number, a diet plan, and a list of easy exercises to build up his muscles and stamina. As well as a promise to call right away or come in if there were any signs of him plummeting.
“Rest, fresh air, food in moderation as you’re building up your appetite. No point bursting your gut! Gentle exercise. Don’t overdo it!”
Jensen nodded yes to everything. It wouldn’t matter. The nightmares were bound to return as soon as he fell asleep. That was his life now, for however short a time it might be.
“You mind if we swing by the Bunker?” Jared said when they’d been driving a while. “Check on Miracle? The dog.”
“I remember.” Jensen rubbed his eyes. He was already beat. “Okay. Bunker?”
“Used to be an old army bunker, before Collins and his wife changed it into a homestead. Off the grid, organic food, the whole shebang.” Jared grinned. “He’s kind of a hippie.”
“Mhm.” Jensen closed his eyes. The sun was warm on his face through the window, the sunglasses barely lessening the bright glare. It was making him feel drowsy. He pushed down the wave of fear turning his stomach. There’d be plenty of time to be terrified when it happened. Any second now.
Jared grabbed his hand, shaking it slightly. “So,” he said, voice loud enough to rouse Jensen back to awareness. “What does a Hollywood wannabe do in his spare time? Or main time. You never told me what it is you do.”
“Funny,” Jensen muttered. He rubbed his eyes. “Uhm, nothing special. I used to work from home as an editor before this happened. Can’t read for shit now. Well, I can but only for a short stint with my screen on night mode and the font embarrassingly big. And it still gives me a fucking headache. In my spare time… I like fixing things.”
“Electrical things?”
Jensen shrugged. “I’m okay with tinkering, but I prefer mechanical things. Clocks, music boxes, stuff like that. You can find lots of broken things in secondhand stores or antique shops. Sometimes I sell them when I’m done, if they’re worth anything that is. Mostly I just do it for fun though.” He yawned, blinking to keep his eyes open. “Used to do woodwork back home but my apartment in New York is too small, need a workshop to do stuff like that.”
“Well, you’ve got plenty of space now, that’s for sure,” Jared said. He looked thoughtful. “How are you at plumbing?”
Jensen frowned. “Okay, I guess. Easy stuff anyway. Your toilet clogged?”
Jared laughed. “No, my toilet is fine. But you own ten properties that need all kinds of fixing and maintaining. Easier if you can do some of it yourself rather than have to call in people from the city all the time.”
“Not sure I should be playing electrician,” Jensen said rather than point out that all of that would be someone else’s problem, once he was dead.
“True. But, you know, the everyday stuff. Changing light bulbs, fixing broken switches. Stuff like that. And plumbing, like unclogging toilets! Not fun but necessary on occasion. And the carpentry stuff! I bet there’s lots you could do there. Some of those buildings haven’t had an upgrade since the sixties. At least. Plus, you can do editing anywhere with a wi-fi and we’ve got that. Sometimes it’s not even that slow.”
“Are you trying to find me something to do so I’ll stay?” Jensen asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“I don’t know. Maybe?” Jared glanced over. “Is it working?”
“Well, unclogging toilets is less of an incentive than you might think,” Jensen pointed out.
“Really? I was sure that one would be a winner.” Jared grinned at him. “There’s also this,” he added after a moment in a quiet voice. His hand turned, only to braid their fingers together. “In case that would make a difference.”
Jensen breathed in slowly. “It could,” he said and didn’t add, ‘If things were different. If I wasn’t dying. If I could promise not to break your heart when I go.’ When Jared smiled at him, Jensen smiled back, silently cursing whatever deity had decided to show him just what he could have, moments before it planned to snuff him out.
Soon as they got out of the car a yellow dog came bundling over, jumping up to greet Jared, with an enthusiasm that spoke of old acquaintance, before padding more cautiously over to Jensen. Jensen slumped down on his haunches, feeling sure that if Miracle was aggressive, Jared wouldn’t be smiling that wide. The dog sniffed Jensen’s hand when he stretched it out, then made a happy snuffling sound before stepping straight into Jensen’s arms, laying his head on Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen wrapped his arms around the dog’s neck, burying his face in the soft fur. He breathed out.
“Never seen him do that before,” Jensen heard the owner, Collins, say. “Wary of strangers, usually.”
“Well, you don’t call him Miracle for nothing,” Jared laughed, sounding slightly choked up.
Again, the name nudged something at the back of Jensen’s brain, but he couldn’t grasp it. A sense of calm settled over him. He felt heavy, his whole body sagging. He was sure he’d break the dog’s back but Miracle bore it, like it was nothing. Guess he really had lost weight.
He heard Jared and Collins talking, something about chicken and goats, and then Jared came over, laying a warm hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Wanna lay down in the grass while you wait? I won’t be long. You could use a tan.”
“I just freckle,” Jensen murmured, letting go of the dog with a last hug before laying dutifully down on the soft sun-warm grass.
“I’ve noticed.” Jared sounded like he was smiling. “It’s cute. I’ll be right back.”
Time passed. The bright sun dimmed and Jensen squinted his eyes open. There was only the blue sky above him, dappled by a few cotton candy clouds, one momentarily covering the sun.
Jensen caught his breath. Gravity pulled at his bellybutton, like there was an umbilical cord dragging him down, down, down. Into the dark earth that moments before had felt safe and warm beneath him. Jensen squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in air through his nostrils, jaw so tight he could hear his molars crack. His fingers were cramping where he’d jabbed them through the dense surface, trying to catch hold. He thought of yelling for Jared but when he opened his mouth there seemed to be no air in his lungs. The pull got tighter, the earth pressing against his back, like it was going to crack open and swallow him. Right down to Hell.
Something soft and warm suddenly touched and then settled against his throat. After a while he felt a light vibration that grew stronger until it felt like a small motor tuning his vocal cords. Jensen blinked his eyes open. He reached up, his earth-stained fingers finding the small body of a kitten, nestling in the crook of his neck, fur as soft as silk.
“I see you found another friend,” he heard Jared say and looked up into his happy face, smiling down at him. He must have given something away because Jared dropped down on his haunches, laying a warm hand on his cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“Was going under,” Jensen whispered, afraid that if he talked too loudly, the kitten would be spooked. “He saved me.”
“I think he might also be a she,” Jared said gently, stroking Jensen’s hair.
Jensen swallowed. “Who’d guess I’d turn into such a chick magnet.”
“Well, Miracle is still a boy. And I’m still a boy. Man,” Jared corrected himself when Jensen smirked. “Very much a man.”
Jensen’s bellybutton loosened as his stomach heated up like soup. “Yeah?”
Jared grinned. “Just you wait and see.”
“You want him?”
Jensen stretched his neck, looking back and up at the man standing by his head. “What?”
“The kitten,” Collins said, gesturing at the soft bundle purring on Jensen’s throat. “He’s one of a bunch I’ve been fostering but he’s ready to be rehomed. If you want him.”
“Still pretty sure she’s a she,” Jared said with a smile. “What do you say, Jen, want a kitten? They’ve got their shots and she’ll be ready to be neutered in about two months. I’ve already got her scheduled.”
Jensen stared up at him, the silent air pregnant with the implication that he had to still be there. Jensen cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “I think I’d like that.”
Jared’s smile was so wide it blocked out the sky.
They made their way home in silence, the kitten sleeping on a blanket, secure in a cage borrowed from Collins, strapped down in the backseat like cargo. The clouds had finally moved in, shielding them from the glaring sun. It might even rain, Jared said, and then they fell quiet again. Jensen stared out at the road in front of them, endless yellow lines disappearing under the car. He wondered how many miles Dean had seen run under his own car. How many he himself would have left before… He closed his eyes, and Jared squeezed his hand until he opened them again. The miles ran by.
It started with a seed of doubt that took root and grew until Jensen felt like his whole chest was filling up with a thorny bush of fear, anger and despair, wrapping its weed around his lungs, making it harder and harder to breathe. His thoughts were spiraling and no matter how much he tried to suppress them, they kept slowly but steadily pulling him under.
“I shouldn’t have taken that cat,” he finally blurted out. “I’m not fit.”
Jared glanced at him. “What? That’s crap. You’re great with animals. They love you.”
“No, it needs a stable home and I’m… not. What when I get worse? Because I will. I will, I will. You know I will.” He knew he was rambling but he couldn’t help it. “I’ll scare the shit out of her with my fucking screaming. And who’s gonna take care of her when I’m gone? Huh? God, I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.”
“Whoa, whoa! Gone where?” Jared’s face suddenly went hard. “Dead? That’s what you’re saying?”
Jensen looked away. Forget stupid, he was a goddamn idiot. “Don’t.”
“No, I will,” Jared growled. It was that mama bear all over again, except this time his anger was directed at Jensen. Its ferocity made him want to curl up and whimper. “Jensen, I will. Because fuck that! I did not just watch you be resuscitated just so you could die all over again!”
Jensen bit his lip. He was not gonna cry. He’d cried enough for a lifetime already. “I’m not gonna get better.”
“You don’t know that!” Jared let go of his hand and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him. “I’m not planning your fucking funeral while you’re still here!”
Jensen hitched his breath. “I can’t do it anymore, Jared. I can’t. It starts again, that’s it, I’m putting an end to it.”
Jared stared at him in shock for so long they almost swerved off the road. “Jensen…”
A tear tickled its way down Jensen’s nose, and he swiped at it. Fuck. “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t tell if you’re you or Sam.” He gestured with his hand. “I can’t tell if it’s my car or Dean’s. I can’t tell… I keep waiting for the pain to start. For them to start…” He covered his eyes with his hand as his shoulders shook. “They’ve raped me so many times I don’t know if I can ever… How can I when I don’t even know what’s real anymore?”
Jared cursed and swung the car to the side of the road, coming to an abrupt halt. He released his seatbelt and turned on the bench, reaching out to palm Jensen’s neck. “Jensen, listen to me. This is real. You’re real. I’m real. Everything that is happening right now, it’s real. I promise you.”
Jensen shook his head. God, he was so tired. “Then why are you here? Huh? Why are you… You are too good to be real. Guys like you…. Guys like me don’t meet guys like you except in fairy tales.”
Jared ran his fingers along the back of Jensen’s neck. “If this was a fairy tale,” he said softly, “we would be kissing.”
“Oh well, there’s my proo-”
Jared’s lips were warm and soft and firm and God, so warm. Jensen’s eyes sprung open as he let out a small, surprised sound and he felt more than heard Jared’s breathless response. Like the kiss had been so spontaneous Jared had forgot to inhale first. Jared kissed him again, pressing his lips firmly against Jensen’s mouth and this time Jensen’s eyes fluttered close on instinct. Right away his head grew heavier. He parted his lips, even as his breathing slowed down, welcoming Jared’s warm tongue when it slipped inside, softly, gently caressing his mouth, his tongue, his teeth. Jensen whimpered, his breathing turning deeper and heavier. He fumbled for something to hold on to as his head began to spin, his hands landing on Jared’s thigh and knee, feeling them warm beneath his fingers. Jared’s big hands gently cradled Jensen’s heavy, heavy head, thumbs stroking his cheeks, mouth kissing, kissing, kissing.
The world tumbled into darkness.
Someone was shaking him, gently. Jensen opened his eyes. It was dark. The air was cooler. When he blinked his eyes a thousand stars came into focus. He drew in a shaky breath. “Sam?”
A warm hand palmed his cheek. “No. It’s me. Jared.”
Jensen sighed in relief. “What happened?”
“You fell asleep. Actually, you’ve been sleeping for about six hours.” Jared looked down at him with concern. “Was it okay? You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you, but I wasn’t sure. No nightmares?”
Jensen sat up and looked around. They were sitting on the blanket he kept in the trunk. In the middle of a field under a star-filled sky. The kitten was fast asleep in Jared’s lap.
“No. No, I think… I don’t remember dreaming anything.”
He still didn’t feel completely rested, he had gone without actual rest for so long it would take more than a few hours to bring him back to normal, but some of the weight had lifted from his chest, his head. For the first time in days, he dared to hope that maybe he wasn’t dying.
“Oh, thank God,” Jared exclaimed then grimaced. “Shit, I shouldn’t have woken you up. It’s just, it’s getting late and…” He ran his fingers awkwardly through his hair. “I was kinda scared, to tell the truth. You were hardly breathing, you were so quiet. I thought maybe I’d misjudged and you’d slipped into a coma or something.”
“No. Thank you. I feel a lot better.” Jensen laughed. He felt giddy, almost drunk. “Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever get to sleep without dreams again. Jesus, how did that happen?” And then he remembered. He turned quickly, catching Jared looking down, biting his lips. “You kissed me.”
Even in the dark Jensen could detect the blush in Jared’s cheeks. “Yeeeah. Sorry?”
Jensen stared at him. “Are you?”
Jared glanced up. His eyes were big, dark. Heated. He shook his head.
“Good. Because that would make this really awkward,” Jensen said and grabbed Jared by the front of his shirt, pulling him in. Jared made a high-pitched squeak that Jensen would definitely tease him about later, and then they were once again kissing and God, it was…
Jensen was lightly aware of having sleep breath, of there being horses in the next field over, neighing, of the kitten climbing his thigh with its sharp tiny claws, of the moon shining big and bright high above. Of Jared’s long fingers cradling his face, the heat of his body sliding over Jensen like a blanket when Jared lowered him down on the ground. Of thinking, ‘If I really am dead my parents were wrong, because this is clearly Heaven.’
They kissed until Jensen started to feel dizzy and had to nudge Jared away, murmuring, “Need oxygen,” to make sure Jared didn’t take it for rejection. His body felt heavy, his head light. His heart was filled with something he didn’t know how to describe. Jared rolled on to his back and they lay there panting, staring up at the stars. Stargazing. Just like he’d been longing to do. Dreaming of…
“Jared?”
Jared turned his head and smiled at him. “Yeah?”
Jensen breathed out. “Just checking.”
He felt Jared fumble for his hand, braiding their fingers together. “This is real,” Jared said softly. “You are not Dean, you are not there. And you are not imagining any of this.”
“Okay.” He swallowed. “Okay. Jared?”
“Yeah?”
“If I were dead, if it’s anything like this, it would be okay.”
“Yeah, well.” Jared cleared his throat and squeezed Jensen’s hand. “You’re not but I’m glad.”
Jensen smiled. He gazed up at the stars, sparkling high, high above.
Concluded here.