Fic: Blackout 3/6
Previous chapters here
Chapter 3
When Spike emerged almost half an hour later, again wearing Connor’s clothes, Angel was standing in the living room, once again looking down at the rest of the world. He stood watching him for a long time before clearing his throat but Angel didn’t turn around, just tensed.
“I need money.” He waited for a second but when there was no reply he continued. “I’m not asking because of what happened. I just need it and you have it, that’s all. Don’t have any pride left anyway.” That finally got him a reaction but only in a slumping of shoulders. He didn’t know what he hoped for but with a heavy heart he realised that this was more or less what he had expected. Still he tried. “Not much, just… new clothes, some pints of blood, that kind of stuff. Until I get my life together.” After a while of silence he added, “If you don’t mind.”
Still there was no reaction and he sighed. “Look, I don’t blame you. After all, there I was, naked and practically throwing myself at you. I assume. Not that I remember much of it. If the roles had been reversed… lets just say it would be your arse hurting, not mine.”
“Are you… are you badly hurt?” The voice was so soft Spike could hardly make out the words. Hesitantly he took a couple of steps closer.
“I’m all right. I’ve been worse. And I don’t mean my arse. Angel…”
“I’m sorry. Really, really sorry.”
“I’m not.”
Angel turned around so fast Spike took a step back. “How can you say that? I… I practically raped you!”
“Well, if that’s the only way I can have you I’d rather you raped me than ignored me.”
Angel stared at him in shock. “Spike… God! I…”
“And if you say one more time that you’re sorry I’ll punch your fucking face in. Do you have any idea how bloody hurtful it is hearing you say that?”
“What? That I’m sorry for hurting you? For taking advantage of you instead of helping you?”
“That you’re sorry for giving in and fucking me. If this is what it took I’m glad. Too bad I can’t remember much beside the climax but it’s better than nothing. Don’t act like you didn’t know I’ve wanted this ever since I came back. And now I got it. Must say though, you’ve been better.”
He didn’t look away, didn’t waver in any way. Just waited while Angel’s expression changed from shock to shame to hope.
“You don’t hate me?”
“No.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“I can try if you want me to but no, not really.”
“Why?”
Spike sighed. “I just don’t, okay. Can we move on? We still don’t know what makes this happen and I want to find out.”
He turned around, knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep the act up much longer. “You coming?”
Angel stood still for a moment, then he grabbed his coat. “Okay. Where are we going?”
“First you're gonna spring for some new clothes. The smell is freaking me out.”
“Right. Yes.”
“And then...” He paused. “I don't know. We've got to think of something.”
Angel pushed the button for the elevator. “We've ruled out medical and mystical reasons. Wes thinks it might be hypnosis. That someone perhaps hypnotised you into doing... these things. If that’s true we could try and find out how to break it.”
They stepped into the elevator as the doors opened. Spike could feel Angel's eyes on him but when he looked up he pretended to be studying the bare wall. Spike shook his head slightly and turned back to his musings. Hypnosis? Dru was an expert on that, even if hers was more of a thrall. She could lure people into doing her bidding, somehow tapping into their subconsciousness and making them believe they were doing it willingly because you really couldn't hypnotise people into doing...
He paled.
“No.”
Angel jerked awake from whatever thoughts he's been indulging in and looked over at him just as the door slid open, revealing the huge garage. “What?”
“It can't be hypnosis. You can't hypnotise people to do something against their will.”
The door started to slide shut again but Angel caught it and held it open, watching Spike with a strange expression. “Spike...”
He shook his head. “No! It's something else.”
He stalked out of the elevator and to the nearest car, for once not caring which one they took. Angel sighed and took keys out of his pocket, jingling them at him before walking over to a black BMW parked a few feet away. They got in and sat in silence for awhile before Angel turned to Spike who was staring out the window, refusing to look at him.
“You wouldn't be aware of it. There's nothing you did to make it happen.”
Spike swallowed. “Except have a strong desire deep inside to whore myself out to strangers, that's what you're saying, right? I wanted this? I wanted to be...” He squeezed his eyes shut as nausea rose in his throat.
“Spike, it's just a theory. We have no idea what it is.”
“But you think it's true.” Somehow that thought made him feel even worse. “You think I want this.”
“Spike, no. I don't think... Look, it could be the soul. Or...”
Spike looked at him incredulous. “The soul? The soul is telling me to whore myself out because...” He stilled. It suddenly became clear. “Because I deserve it. That's it, right? I'm being punished for all the things I did before when...”
Angel averted his eyes. “I don't know. Maybe.”
He felt weak. The realisation pressed heavily on his heart and he felt like he was suffocating. “This is my punishment. This is what I deserve.”
It seemed to take Angel a moment to realise it was put forward as a statement, not a question. He grabbed Spike's arm and turned him his way. “No. You don't deserve this. No one deserves this.”
Spike shook his head. “The things I did... I try not to think of them but... he's right. Whoever is doing this to me. He's right.”
“God, Spike. That's crap. If you deserve this then what the hell do I deserve? Why you and not me?”
Spike rolled his eyes “Not everything is about you, Angel. There are actually those who don't give a flying fuck about who you are and what you did. Sometimes it is about others. Sometimes it is about me.”
Angel let go of his arm and started the car, jaw tense. “Okay, but why? Who would be doing this?”
“I don't know, do I? If I did, would I be sitting here blabbering to you? No, I'd be ripping his balls off and that's just for starters.” He gritted his teeth. “Soul or no soul, he's dead.”
They drove off in silence, blinking as they emerged into the sunshine. It took them some time, but after various wrong turns they finally got to the mall and parked in the underground garage. Angel reached for the door but Spike didn't move, just sat staring out into the badly lit garage where people with bags were hurrying to their cars.
“Spike?”
“Maybe there is no one. Maybe it's just me. My soul, punishing myself.” His voice was quiet, thoughtful.
“I don't think...”
“It could be.”
Angel sighed. “I guess. I really don't know anything about this kind of stuff.”
Spike ignored him, too lost in his own thoughts. “And if it is me the only one who can stop it is me.”
“Well, that should help...”
“Which means it's never going to stop.”
Angel frowned. “Okay, that makes no sense.”
Spike finally looked up, trying to hide the fear he could feel bubbling up inside him. “I don't know how I'm doing this so how will I know how to stop? I won't. It will never stop. I'm going to keep on falling into this trance or whatever and...” He sucked in his breath, his chest feeling way too tight. “Until someone finally kills me or I kill myself.”
“Spike, stop it! We're not even sure what it is yet, any less that it's you causing it. You're planning your own suicide based on nothing but speculations?”
Spike turned to him, his fear making way for anger. “Fuck you, Angel! You think I can even consider going on if this is what my life is going to be like? Like some whore, no, worse than a whore. Whores can walk away. I have no choice, I don't have my own will. I'm nothing! Nothing but some meat for them to stick their filthy dicks into!”
He got out of the car and slammed the door, then leaned onto the smooth roof, breathing heavily. Angel slowly got out as well and stood watching him in silence.
Spike growled. “What? Stop looking at me like that. I'm not-”
“You're not meat, Spike. And you're not a whore, whatever you may feel like right now.”
He snorted. “Right, because I-”
“I'm sorry for what happened earlier between us but I'm not sorry for fucking you. It's not about that. I'd do it again right now as long as you're within your own mind and still wanted me to. But you weren't at the time and that's what makes me the guilty party here.” He didn't shy away from Spike's stare but a tick at his jaw spoke of his discomfort. “You're not the only one that's been waiting for something to happen. I thought maybe we were getting somewhere which is why your behaviour lately was like a kick in the gut. I thought you'd be with just about anyone rather than me and it hurt. Now I know better, Spike, and if you meant what you said earlier then just maybe we still have a shot at letting this work. At letting us work.” He swallowed. “So I'm not going to let you give up. I told you we'd work this out and we will. Now calm down and let’s go shopping.”
He locked the car and walked away, leaving Spike to stare after him completely dumbfounded. He opened his mouth then shut it again and with something akin to a grin jogged after him. They walked in silence for a while, surrounded by laughing teenagers and stressed out mothers. Spike glanced at Angel who was looking at the various shops, a frown of confusion on his face.
“Angel?”
“What?”
“Think that was a record for you. You going to blabber on like that from now on? Because if you are we need to put out a memo or your employees might have a heartattack.”
“Haha. Funny.”
“Just as well you don't need to breathe. I mean, really, what happened to 'a man of few words'?”
“Maybe it's all this time spent with you. Your endless prattling is contagious.”
Spike chuckled softly. “Let's just hope that's all. Really wouldn't know what to do with you if you started spacing out as well. Not that you wouldn't make a pretty whore.”
Angel couldn't help smiling. “We're joking about this now? Well, that's some progress. And I would make the prettiest whore you'd ever seen. No contest there.”
The smile melted off Spike's face and he felt suddenly hot. “You would.”
Angel gave him a coquettish smile that had him flushing even further, a smile that faltered when he noticed Spike's expression. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you all right? You look...”
“Can we just find me some clothes and get out of here?” He walked swiftly into a Levi's shop and gazed along the lines of denim before quickly choosing two pairs. “Here. Pay for these and...” He grabbed a couple of t-shirts. “... these and let's go.”
“Spike...”
“What?”
“We're in the women's section.”
He blinked, then looked around. The salesgirl was staring at them in amused puzzlement and he could feel his face going red. “Fuck!”
“They might still fit...” Angel looked down at the clothes Spike had dumped in his arms. “Sure you want the t-shirt to say 'Angel' though, in pink glittering letters?” He was trying very hard to suppress his smile.
“You? Shut the bloody hell up.” Spike grabbed the clothes and threw them on a nearby table. Then he shrugged off his leather coat and placed it gingerly in Angel's hands. “And take care of that. You!” He stalked over to the girl who was now looking more worried than amused. “Find me some proper jeans. Now!”
She looked him over then her face lit up. “I know just what you need.”
“I very much doubt that,” he muttered but followed her anyway, leaving Angel standing with an uncomfortable hard on in his own pants as he watched Spike's ass wiggling away in Connor's jeans.
Twenty minutes later he was sitting on a low thing that probably was supposed to be a chair, dozing off to the annoying music of Britney Spears when he heard a soft giggle, followed by Spike's unmistakable flirting voice, murmuring some sweet words into the girl's ear. Scowling he opened his eyes, ready to tell him off, and caught his breath.
“... so then I told Billy: Listen mate, I said, if you like it so much it's all yours. Should have seen his face, all lit up like a Christmas tree. Well, that's not the only thing that went up...”
“You are such a liar! You are! Wait 'til I tell my mom, she just loves Billy Idol.”
“Who doesn't love Billy Idol? He's good enough to eat. Actually-”
Angel managed to shake himself free from his stupor just in time. “Spike!”
Spike turned around and gave him a wicked grin. “There you are. Thought you'd split and left me with the bill. Be a good boy now and pay the pretty girl what we owe her.” He bent over to pick up his coat, the movement giving Angel a perfect view of just how well the snug jeans fit him.
“You...” He swallowed.
Spike straightened up and gave him a worried look. “What? You said it was all right. I'll pay you back if you want.” He turned away, the good mood turning into anger. “Not like it's your own money anyway, is it? Blood money, that's what it is.”
Angel opened his mouth but shut it again and went to pay for the clothes. Two pair of jeans, one faded blue and one black, two t-shirts, one black and one red, and one soft sweater. At least it looked very soft where it clung to Spike's slight frame, showing the muscles flexing underneath.
“You're so lucky! Wish my boyfriend was built like that.” The girl sighed dramatically and handed him the bag as he stuck out his credit card.
“He's not...” He stopped. Just pay and leave.
“And here are his old clothes.” She handed him another bag along with his card and he tugged it under his arms and signed the receipt.
“Thank you and have a nice day.” She winked and he could feel himself blushing.
“Er... thank you.”
He didn't even notice the amount - what did it matter anyway - just put his wallet back in his pocket and gave her a nod before turning around, searching for Spike. He was hanging outside the shop, still scowling, hands thrust into the pocket of his new jeans. He didn't look a day over twenty.
Angel swallowed. His own pants were suddenly way too tight. Self-conscious he glanced down and for the first time noticed how out of place he looked in there, wearing his office suit. Had he started wearing these things all the time now? God, he felt old. He probably looked way too old for Spike.
Taking a deep breath he walked over and gave Spike an awkward smile. “You need anything else?” Seeing the look on his face he added quickly, “Not my money, right? Might as well spend it.”
Spike looked at him warily then shrugged and bit his lip. “Don't know. Am I staying with you?”
“I think you better, at least until we know what's going on and how to handle it.”
Spike nodded slowly, still gnawing at his lip. Angel wondered if he'd mind it very much if he'd took a bite as well.
“Can I smoke?”
“Think this whole mall is a non-smoking zone.”
“No, I mean...” He averted his eyes. “Can I smoke at your place? Haven't had a fag in weeks.”
“Erm...” On the one hand he didn't really approve of smoking, on the other hand... Spike smoking was sex incarnated. “Sure. You need money for cigarettes?”
Spike nodded, still not looking at him.
“Well...” Angel pulled a couple of twenties from his wallet. “This enough?”
Spike's hand trembled slightly as he accepted the money. “Yeah. Thanks.” He turned away, shoulders slumped.
His subdued manner stopped Angel in his tracks and he grabbed Spike's arm, turning him against him. Shit, was he...
“Spike?”
But the blue eyes looked up at him, clear and bright. “What?”
“Oh. I thought maybe...” He let go of Spike's arm. “Are you all right? You seemed so... I thought you were ill again.”
Spike looked away for a moment then turned his eyes at him, swallowing. “Look, this isn't easy for me, all right? Being dependent on you. And you're not making it any easier, handing out your pittance like I’m your bloody servant.”
“I don't...” He ran the last minutes through his head. “Okay, I didn't mean to demean you but I guess I did. I'm sorry.”
Spike shrugged and stuffed his hands back into his pockets. “Forget it. It's what I am anyway. A beggar. Beats being a whore.”
“Will you just... Stop it, Spike. I'm not giving you money or a place to stay out of pity. I'm doing it because I want to and because, as you rightly put it, I have it and you don't. It's logical.” He pulled out his wallet and whipped out five hundred-dollar bills. “Here. Consider it a late payment from W&H for all your hard work in keeping their CEO on his toes.”
Spike looked for a minute like he was going to be offended but then a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips and he took the money and stuffed it in his pocket. “Oh, they owe me a lot more than that. And don't forget me helping in beating up their less popular clients and all those late office hours guarding that place.” At Angel's incoherent look he rolled his eyes. “Ghost, remember? No spot in that building I haven't seen.” He turned around and swaggered down the aisle. “Including your bathroom.”
What? “My what!?!” Angel hurried after him, the memory of more times than he could remember spent jerking off in the shower making his walk a tad uncomfortable.
Two coffees and a chili dog later they were walking through the garage to the car when Spike suddenly stopped and blinked in confusion.
“... and maybe Wesley can find us a hypnosis expert who...” Angel frowned and turned around. “Spike?”
He was gone.
“Spike?” Quickly opening the car and throwing the bags inside Angel ran back around the corner. Shit! Spike's smell lingered in the air but it was faint, the clothes being new and himself freshly showered. No soap or fabric could really blot out the distinct scent though and Angel hurried after the trace, feeling increasingly worried.
Obviously Spike was off again and Angel was sure there had been no trigger, nothing he'd said that he hadn't said many times before. A pack of teenagers crossed his path, then an annoying group of elderly citizens that moved too slow and kept getting in his way. When he finally made it through he'd lost the trail.
For an hour he searched the mall, sometimes imagining he was picking up a scent but then it disappeared again and he was just as lost. Fuck! There were too many exits, to many ways he could have gone. Finally he had to admit defeat and return to the car, his head filled with thoughts of what Spike would be doing right now. Or more specifically, what was most probably being done to him. All the stores had closed by now and a security guard was locking up the building, nodding at him as he got into the elevator that would take him down to the garage.
There were only a couple of cars left, his being on the further side of the vast lot. He was half running to it when he heard a low grunt, followed by some laughing. He stopped and turned, trying to hear where the noise came from. After a moment he heard a low sob and he could feel his hands curling into fists as he hurried as quietly as he could in the direction it came from.
There they were, on the other side of a dark corner. Two stood by, laughing and tucking themselves in, while the third one had Spike pinned to the wall, violently thrusting into him, one fist twisting his hair as the other hand held his victim still. Spike's face was turned his way but he didn't seem to recognise Angel as he came running towards them, his eyes being blank and dull.
“Get the hell away from him!”
“Hey man, fuck off. If you want in you have to pay...”
The garage echoed with the crunch of the two heads being smacked together and the third one stumbled away from the wall, his pants around his ankles, leaving Spike to sink to the dirty floor, blood running down his thighs. “What are you-?”
Angel punched him so hard he crashed into the wall and sank down like a heap of meat and bones by Spike's side. His cock was still hard with traces of blood around the root. The condom was hanging out of Spike's ripped anus, having been left there at the swift retreat of its bearer. The sight made Angel roar and he kicked the perpetrator in the face, feeling cruel satisfaction when he heard the nose break under his boot. He wanted to rip the sick fuck's cock off and shove it up his ass but a low whimper made him snap out of his anger and turn to Spike.
“Angel?”
Spike's eyes were filled with horror and he pulled him into his arms, rocking him gently. “It's okay. I've got you. I've got you.”
The thin body shuddered and he managed to turn him just before it convulsed, vomiting a mixture of blood, coffee and chilidog onto the other man's lap. Well, that was something. When the cramps had subsided he pulled Spike to his feet, discreetly tugging out the condom and throwing it in the unconscious man's face before pulling up Spike's pants and lifting up his face. “It's okay, I'm taking you home.”
There was no answer. Spike was already out cold.
----------------------
“I don't care. We have to find some way to stop this.”
Wes sighed. “Angel, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't know...”
“Well, figure it out! If this was Fred...”
Wesley's head snapped up and he stared at Angel with such venom that he took a step back. “You... bloody bastard! This was Fred! A few weeks ago this was Fred and you... you couldn't save her! And you have the nerve to accuse me of...” He shook his head in disgust, his lower lip trembling slightly.
Angel hunched and bowed his head in guilt. “I'm sorry. I spoke in anger without thinking. I apologise.”
Wesley stood still for a minute and then he looked up, smiling stiffly. “It's... it's all right. I understand. It's just... I'm not slacking, Angel. I know how much he means to you and I'm doing the best I can.”
Angel blinked. Then he awkwardly looked away, hands fidgeting. “What do you mean, you know?”
Wesley's smile was patient if a bit irritated. “For what it's worth I'm glad you decided to stop hiding it. It was becoming quite embarrassing for all of us trying to act ignorant.”
“Ignorant of what? Hiding what?” Angel tried to look indignant even if he suspected the pout was rather overkill. “I wasn't hiding anything.”
“Oh for God's sake, Angel,” Wes snapped at him. “Don't start that again. I'm not in the mood for playing games. We're all adults here and fairly educated in vampire ways. Or human ways for that matter. I don't know why you always have to act so juvenile when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“I don't know what...” The glare Wes shot Angel shut him up and he looked down, swallowing. “So, you all know?”
“Yes, Angel. Everyone knows. From the moment he came it's been obvious. As soon as he got corporeal the bets started flying. Some even before.” Angel's obvious embarrassment brought the small smile to back his lips. “May I inquire if you've yet...”
Angel could feel his face heating up. “No, you may not!”
“That recent? Really?” Wes took up a small notebook from his pocket. “Charles is going to be very pleased.” He ticked off a line and then scribbled a few words down.
“And you call me juvenile!” Angel fought the urge to snatch the book away and see what he was writing. “Can we stop talking about my sexlife and get back to protecting Spike's?”
Wesley sighed and snapped the book shut then stuffed it back into his pocket. “The only thing I can think of is having him hypnotised and see if that gives us any clues to who or what did it to him originally.”
“You think that will work?”
“It might. I really don't know. Hypnosis isn't what you'd call my area of expertise.” Wes hesitated a moment. “You know, once under he will quite probably reveal what's been happening to him these last weeks. Anything you want to tell me before we start? Might make things easier.”
Angel stood still, staring out of the window. “He agrees with you. He thinks the soul is doing this to him to punish him for his past.”
Wesley frowned. “Would be an odd way. Sex isn't really an unpleasant punishment.”
Angel's shoulders tensed. “It's not sex. It's... solicitation.”
Wesley went still. “Ah. So he's been...?”
“Yes.”
“Unknowingly? And I guess unwillingly.”
“You don't whore yourself out for fun, Wesley.”
“No. Of course not.” He paused. “With strangers?”
“Yes.”
“And... and you?”
Angel's neck was so tense he thought it might snap. “Yes.”
Wesley nodded, careful not to look at him. “Did you... take him up on his offer?”
Angel stood still, staring out of the window. Then he slowly sank down to the floor, his back up against the couch as he hid his face in his hands. “Yes. God, yes. I tried... but he begged me. Like he needed it. Like not being used hurt him more than...” He shook his head. “But there's no excuse. I'm just as bad as those bastards who... Worse. Because I knew and I still did it. Still...” He laughed hoarsely. “At least they paid him.”
Wesley took a step forward, gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “But they don't love him.”
“If you're trying to make me feel worse you're doing a great job.”
Wes sighed. “Counselling wasn't really my area of expertise either.” He studied Angel's guilty face. “Does he blame you?”
Angel shook his head. “He said he'd rather I raped him than ignored him.”
Wes visibly flinched. “You... Did you?” His voice was barely audible.
“He wasn't within his right mind. He wasn't there to say no. What else would you call it?”
Wes swallowed. “Quite. Did you... hurt him? Physically, I mean.”
“Less then I used to. More than I should have.” Angel raised his head, blank eyes staring out into the dark. “Ever been taken there, Wes? First time it's... very tight.” He looked up at Wesley's flushed face. “We're vampires. We don't change. Every time is the first time. So yes, it hurts. At least at first.” He looked away again. “Usually we like it that way.”
“And...” Wes averted his eyes. “And did Spike... like it?”
“That's just it.” Angel studied his fingernails. “Spike would have loved it. But the man I took... I don't know and frankly, while I was fucking him I couldn't have cared less.” He swallowed. “I lost control. If he'd come to in the middle of it and told me to stop I don't think I would have.”
“Yes, you would.”
Wesley jumped startled to his feet and turned around but Angel sat still, not even looking up. Spike stood in the doorway, face grey and drawn, thin arms hugging his chest. Only a moment and then he relaxed and started towards them.
“Spike, I...” Wes blushed but Spike didn't even seem to notice him, just walked right past and knelt by Angel's side.
“Maybe not Angelus but you, you would have stopped. Not that I would have asked you to. I meant what I said, Angel. I wanted it, been wanting it for a long time.” He ran his fingers gently through the bristled hair. “Next time I'd rather be there from the beginning though.”
Angel finally looked up at Spike who smiled softly before capturing his lips in a gentle kiss. As the kiss deepened and they moved closer until they were locked in each others embrace, Wes quietly slipped away, closing the door silently behind him.
Continued here
Chapter 3
When Spike emerged almost half an hour later, again wearing Connor’s clothes, Angel was standing in the living room, once again looking down at the rest of the world. He stood watching him for a long time before clearing his throat but Angel didn’t turn around, just tensed.
“I need money.” He waited for a second but when there was no reply he continued. “I’m not asking because of what happened. I just need it and you have it, that’s all. Don’t have any pride left anyway.” That finally got him a reaction but only in a slumping of shoulders. He didn’t know what he hoped for but with a heavy heart he realised that this was more or less what he had expected. Still he tried. “Not much, just… new clothes, some pints of blood, that kind of stuff. Until I get my life together.” After a while of silence he added, “If you don’t mind.”
Still there was no reaction and he sighed. “Look, I don’t blame you. After all, there I was, naked and practically throwing myself at you. I assume. Not that I remember much of it. If the roles had been reversed… lets just say it would be your arse hurting, not mine.”
“Are you… are you badly hurt?” The voice was so soft Spike could hardly make out the words. Hesitantly he took a couple of steps closer.
“I’m all right. I’ve been worse. And I don’t mean my arse. Angel…”
“I’m sorry. Really, really sorry.”
“I’m not.”
Angel turned around so fast Spike took a step back. “How can you say that? I… I practically raped you!”
“Well, if that’s the only way I can have you I’d rather you raped me than ignored me.”
Angel stared at him in shock. “Spike… God! I…”
“And if you say one more time that you’re sorry I’ll punch your fucking face in. Do you have any idea how bloody hurtful it is hearing you say that?”
“What? That I’m sorry for hurting you? For taking advantage of you instead of helping you?”
“That you’re sorry for giving in and fucking me. If this is what it took I’m glad. Too bad I can’t remember much beside the climax but it’s better than nothing. Don’t act like you didn’t know I’ve wanted this ever since I came back. And now I got it. Must say though, you’ve been better.”
He didn’t look away, didn’t waver in any way. Just waited while Angel’s expression changed from shock to shame to hope.
“You don’t hate me?”
“No.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“I can try if you want me to but no, not really.”
“Why?”
Spike sighed. “I just don’t, okay. Can we move on? We still don’t know what makes this happen and I want to find out.”
He turned around, knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep the act up much longer. “You coming?”
Angel stood still for a moment, then he grabbed his coat. “Okay. Where are we going?”
“First you're gonna spring for some new clothes. The smell is freaking me out.”
“Right. Yes.”
“And then...” He paused. “I don't know. We've got to think of something.”
Angel pushed the button for the elevator. “We've ruled out medical and mystical reasons. Wes thinks it might be hypnosis. That someone perhaps hypnotised you into doing... these things. If that’s true we could try and find out how to break it.”
They stepped into the elevator as the doors opened. Spike could feel Angel's eyes on him but when he looked up he pretended to be studying the bare wall. Spike shook his head slightly and turned back to his musings. Hypnosis? Dru was an expert on that, even if hers was more of a thrall. She could lure people into doing her bidding, somehow tapping into their subconsciousness and making them believe they were doing it willingly because you really couldn't hypnotise people into doing...
He paled.
“No.”
Angel jerked awake from whatever thoughts he's been indulging in and looked over at him just as the door slid open, revealing the huge garage. “What?”
“It can't be hypnosis. You can't hypnotise people to do something against their will.”
The door started to slide shut again but Angel caught it and held it open, watching Spike with a strange expression. “Spike...”
He shook his head. “No! It's something else.”
He stalked out of the elevator and to the nearest car, for once not caring which one they took. Angel sighed and took keys out of his pocket, jingling them at him before walking over to a black BMW parked a few feet away. They got in and sat in silence for awhile before Angel turned to Spike who was staring out the window, refusing to look at him.
“You wouldn't be aware of it. There's nothing you did to make it happen.”
Spike swallowed. “Except have a strong desire deep inside to whore myself out to strangers, that's what you're saying, right? I wanted this? I wanted to be...” He squeezed his eyes shut as nausea rose in his throat.
“Spike, it's just a theory. We have no idea what it is.”
“But you think it's true.” Somehow that thought made him feel even worse. “You think I want this.”
“Spike, no. I don't think... Look, it could be the soul. Or...”
Spike looked at him incredulous. “The soul? The soul is telling me to whore myself out because...” He stilled. It suddenly became clear. “Because I deserve it. That's it, right? I'm being punished for all the things I did before when...”
Angel averted his eyes. “I don't know. Maybe.”
He felt weak. The realisation pressed heavily on his heart and he felt like he was suffocating. “This is my punishment. This is what I deserve.”
It seemed to take Angel a moment to realise it was put forward as a statement, not a question. He grabbed Spike's arm and turned him his way. “No. You don't deserve this. No one deserves this.”
Spike shook his head. “The things I did... I try not to think of them but... he's right. Whoever is doing this to me. He's right.”
“God, Spike. That's crap. If you deserve this then what the hell do I deserve? Why you and not me?”
Spike rolled his eyes “Not everything is about you, Angel. There are actually those who don't give a flying fuck about who you are and what you did. Sometimes it is about others. Sometimes it is about me.”
Angel let go of his arm and started the car, jaw tense. “Okay, but why? Who would be doing this?”
“I don't know, do I? If I did, would I be sitting here blabbering to you? No, I'd be ripping his balls off and that's just for starters.” He gritted his teeth. “Soul or no soul, he's dead.”
They drove off in silence, blinking as they emerged into the sunshine. It took them some time, but after various wrong turns they finally got to the mall and parked in the underground garage. Angel reached for the door but Spike didn't move, just sat staring out into the badly lit garage where people with bags were hurrying to their cars.
“Spike?”
“Maybe there is no one. Maybe it's just me. My soul, punishing myself.” His voice was quiet, thoughtful.
“I don't think...”
“It could be.”
Angel sighed. “I guess. I really don't know anything about this kind of stuff.”
Spike ignored him, too lost in his own thoughts. “And if it is me the only one who can stop it is me.”
“Well, that should help...”
“Which means it's never going to stop.”
Angel frowned. “Okay, that makes no sense.”
Spike finally looked up, trying to hide the fear he could feel bubbling up inside him. “I don't know how I'm doing this so how will I know how to stop? I won't. It will never stop. I'm going to keep on falling into this trance or whatever and...” He sucked in his breath, his chest feeling way too tight. “Until someone finally kills me or I kill myself.”
“Spike, stop it! We're not even sure what it is yet, any less that it's you causing it. You're planning your own suicide based on nothing but speculations?”
Spike turned to him, his fear making way for anger. “Fuck you, Angel! You think I can even consider going on if this is what my life is going to be like? Like some whore, no, worse than a whore. Whores can walk away. I have no choice, I don't have my own will. I'm nothing! Nothing but some meat for them to stick their filthy dicks into!”
He got out of the car and slammed the door, then leaned onto the smooth roof, breathing heavily. Angel slowly got out as well and stood watching him in silence.
Spike growled. “What? Stop looking at me like that. I'm not-”
“You're not meat, Spike. And you're not a whore, whatever you may feel like right now.”
He snorted. “Right, because I-”
“I'm sorry for what happened earlier between us but I'm not sorry for fucking you. It's not about that. I'd do it again right now as long as you're within your own mind and still wanted me to. But you weren't at the time and that's what makes me the guilty party here.” He didn't shy away from Spike's stare but a tick at his jaw spoke of his discomfort. “You're not the only one that's been waiting for something to happen. I thought maybe we were getting somewhere which is why your behaviour lately was like a kick in the gut. I thought you'd be with just about anyone rather than me and it hurt. Now I know better, Spike, and if you meant what you said earlier then just maybe we still have a shot at letting this work. At letting us work.” He swallowed. “So I'm not going to let you give up. I told you we'd work this out and we will. Now calm down and let’s go shopping.”
He locked the car and walked away, leaving Spike to stare after him completely dumbfounded. He opened his mouth then shut it again and with something akin to a grin jogged after him. They walked in silence for a while, surrounded by laughing teenagers and stressed out mothers. Spike glanced at Angel who was looking at the various shops, a frown of confusion on his face.
“Angel?”
“What?”
“Think that was a record for you. You going to blabber on like that from now on? Because if you are we need to put out a memo or your employees might have a heartattack.”
“Haha. Funny.”
“Just as well you don't need to breathe. I mean, really, what happened to 'a man of few words'?”
“Maybe it's all this time spent with you. Your endless prattling is contagious.”
Spike chuckled softly. “Let's just hope that's all. Really wouldn't know what to do with you if you started spacing out as well. Not that you wouldn't make a pretty whore.”
Angel couldn't help smiling. “We're joking about this now? Well, that's some progress. And I would make the prettiest whore you'd ever seen. No contest there.”
The smile melted off Spike's face and he felt suddenly hot. “You would.”
Angel gave him a coquettish smile that had him flushing even further, a smile that faltered when he noticed Spike's expression. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you all right? You look...”
“Can we just find me some clothes and get out of here?” He walked swiftly into a Levi's shop and gazed along the lines of denim before quickly choosing two pairs. “Here. Pay for these and...” He grabbed a couple of t-shirts. “... these and let's go.”
“Spike...”
“What?”
“We're in the women's section.”
He blinked, then looked around. The salesgirl was staring at them in amused puzzlement and he could feel his face going red. “Fuck!”
“They might still fit...” Angel looked down at the clothes Spike had dumped in his arms. “Sure you want the t-shirt to say 'Angel' though, in pink glittering letters?” He was trying very hard to suppress his smile.
“You? Shut the bloody hell up.” Spike grabbed the clothes and threw them on a nearby table. Then he shrugged off his leather coat and placed it gingerly in Angel's hands. “And take care of that. You!” He stalked over to the girl who was now looking more worried than amused. “Find me some proper jeans. Now!”
She looked him over then her face lit up. “I know just what you need.”
“I very much doubt that,” he muttered but followed her anyway, leaving Angel standing with an uncomfortable hard on in his own pants as he watched Spike's ass wiggling away in Connor's jeans.
Twenty minutes later he was sitting on a low thing that probably was supposed to be a chair, dozing off to the annoying music of Britney Spears when he heard a soft giggle, followed by Spike's unmistakable flirting voice, murmuring some sweet words into the girl's ear. Scowling he opened his eyes, ready to tell him off, and caught his breath.
“... so then I told Billy: Listen mate, I said, if you like it so much it's all yours. Should have seen his face, all lit up like a Christmas tree. Well, that's not the only thing that went up...”
“You are such a liar! You are! Wait 'til I tell my mom, she just loves Billy Idol.”
“Who doesn't love Billy Idol? He's good enough to eat. Actually-”
Angel managed to shake himself free from his stupor just in time. “Spike!”
Spike turned around and gave him a wicked grin. “There you are. Thought you'd split and left me with the bill. Be a good boy now and pay the pretty girl what we owe her.” He bent over to pick up his coat, the movement giving Angel a perfect view of just how well the snug jeans fit him.
“You...” He swallowed.
Spike straightened up and gave him a worried look. “What? You said it was all right. I'll pay you back if you want.” He turned away, the good mood turning into anger. “Not like it's your own money anyway, is it? Blood money, that's what it is.”
Angel opened his mouth but shut it again and went to pay for the clothes. Two pair of jeans, one faded blue and one black, two t-shirts, one black and one red, and one soft sweater. At least it looked very soft where it clung to Spike's slight frame, showing the muscles flexing underneath.
“You're so lucky! Wish my boyfriend was built like that.” The girl sighed dramatically and handed him the bag as he stuck out his credit card.
“He's not...” He stopped. Just pay and leave.
“And here are his old clothes.” She handed him another bag along with his card and he tugged it under his arms and signed the receipt.
“Thank you and have a nice day.” She winked and he could feel himself blushing.
“Er... thank you.”
He didn't even notice the amount - what did it matter anyway - just put his wallet back in his pocket and gave her a nod before turning around, searching for Spike. He was hanging outside the shop, still scowling, hands thrust into the pocket of his new jeans. He didn't look a day over twenty.
Angel swallowed. His own pants were suddenly way too tight. Self-conscious he glanced down and for the first time noticed how out of place he looked in there, wearing his office suit. Had he started wearing these things all the time now? God, he felt old. He probably looked way too old for Spike.
Taking a deep breath he walked over and gave Spike an awkward smile. “You need anything else?” Seeing the look on his face he added quickly, “Not my money, right? Might as well spend it.”
Spike looked at him warily then shrugged and bit his lip. “Don't know. Am I staying with you?”
“I think you better, at least until we know what's going on and how to handle it.”
Spike nodded slowly, still gnawing at his lip. Angel wondered if he'd mind it very much if he'd took a bite as well.
“Can I smoke?”
“Think this whole mall is a non-smoking zone.”
“No, I mean...” He averted his eyes. “Can I smoke at your place? Haven't had a fag in weeks.”
“Erm...” On the one hand he didn't really approve of smoking, on the other hand... Spike smoking was sex incarnated. “Sure. You need money for cigarettes?”
Spike nodded, still not looking at him.
“Well...” Angel pulled a couple of twenties from his wallet. “This enough?”
Spike's hand trembled slightly as he accepted the money. “Yeah. Thanks.” He turned away, shoulders slumped.
His subdued manner stopped Angel in his tracks and he grabbed Spike's arm, turning him against him. Shit, was he...
“Spike?”
But the blue eyes looked up at him, clear and bright. “What?”
“Oh. I thought maybe...” He let go of Spike's arm. “Are you all right? You seemed so... I thought you were ill again.”
Spike looked away for a moment then turned his eyes at him, swallowing. “Look, this isn't easy for me, all right? Being dependent on you. And you're not making it any easier, handing out your pittance like I’m your bloody servant.”
“I don't...” He ran the last minutes through his head. “Okay, I didn't mean to demean you but I guess I did. I'm sorry.”
Spike shrugged and stuffed his hands back into his pockets. “Forget it. It's what I am anyway. A beggar. Beats being a whore.”
“Will you just... Stop it, Spike. I'm not giving you money or a place to stay out of pity. I'm doing it because I want to and because, as you rightly put it, I have it and you don't. It's logical.” He pulled out his wallet and whipped out five hundred-dollar bills. “Here. Consider it a late payment from W&H for all your hard work in keeping their CEO on his toes.”
Spike looked for a minute like he was going to be offended but then a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips and he took the money and stuffed it in his pocket. “Oh, they owe me a lot more than that. And don't forget me helping in beating up their less popular clients and all those late office hours guarding that place.” At Angel's incoherent look he rolled his eyes. “Ghost, remember? No spot in that building I haven't seen.” He turned around and swaggered down the aisle. “Including your bathroom.”
What? “My what!?!” Angel hurried after him, the memory of more times than he could remember spent jerking off in the shower making his walk a tad uncomfortable.
Two coffees and a chili dog later they were walking through the garage to the car when Spike suddenly stopped and blinked in confusion.
“... and maybe Wesley can find us a hypnosis expert who...” Angel frowned and turned around. “Spike?”
He was gone.
“Spike?” Quickly opening the car and throwing the bags inside Angel ran back around the corner. Shit! Spike's smell lingered in the air but it was faint, the clothes being new and himself freshly showered. No soap or fabric could really blot out the distinct scent though and Angel hurried after the trace, feeling increasingly worried.
Obviously Spike was off again and Angel was sure there had been no trigger, nothing he'd said that he hadn't said many times before. A pack of teenagers crossed his path, then an annoying group of elderly citizens that moved too slow and kept getting in his way. When he finally made it through he'd lost the trail.
For an hour he searched the mall, sometimes imagining he was picking up a scent but then it disappeared again and he was just as lost. Fuck! There were too many exits, to many ways he could have gone. Finally he had to admit defeat and return to the car, his head filled with thoughts of what Spike would be doing right now. Or more specifically, what was most probably being done to him. All the stores had closed by now and a security guard was locking up the building, nodding at him as he got into the elevator that would take him down to the garage.
There were only a couple of cars left, his being on the further side of the vast lot. He was half running to it when he heard a low grunt, followed by some laughing. He stopped and turned, trying to hear where the noise came from. After a moment he heard a low sob and he could feel his hands curling into fists as he hurried as quietly as he could in the direction it came from.
There they were, on the other side of a dark corner. Two stood by, laughing and tucking themselves in, while the third one had Spike pinned to the wall, violently thrusting into him, one fist twisting his hair as the other hand held his victim still. Spike's face was turned his way but he didn't seem to recognise Angel as he came running towards them, his eyes being blank and dull.
“Get the hell away from him!”
“Hey man, fuck off. If you want in you have to pay...”
The garage echoed with the crunch of the two heads being smacked together and the third one stumbled away from the wall, his pants around his ankles, leaving Spike to sink to the dirty floor, blood running down his thighs. “What are you-?”
Angel punched him so hard he crashed into the wall and sank down like a heap of meat and bones by Spike's side. His cock was still hard with traces of blood around the root. The condom was hanging out of Spike's ripped anus, having been left there at the swift retreat of its bearer. The sight made Angel roar and he kicked the perpetrator in the face, feeling cruel satisfaction when he heard the nose break under his boot. He wanted to rip the sick fuck's cock off and shove it up his ass but a low whimper made him snap out of his anger and turn to Spike.
“Angel?”
Spike's eyes were filled with horror and he pulled him into his arms, rocking him gently. “It's okay. I've got you. I've got you.”
The thin body shuddered and he managed to turn him just before it convulsed, vomiting a mixture of blood, coffee and chilidog onto the other man's lap. Well, that was something. When the cramps had subsided he pulled Spike to his feet, discreetly tugging out the condom and throwing it in the unconscious man's face before pulling up Spike's pants and lifting up his face. “It's okay, I'm taking you home.”
There was no answer. Spike was already out cold.
----------------------
“I don't care. We have to find some way to stop this.”
Wes sighed. “Angel, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't know...”
“Well, figure it out! If this was Fred...”
Wesley's head snapped up and he stared at Angel with such venom that he took a step back. “You... bloody bastard! This was Fred! A few weeks ago this was Fred and you... you couldn't save her! And you have the nerve to accuse me of...” He shook his head in disgust, his lower lip trembling slightly.
Angel hunched and bowed his head in guilt. “I'm sorry. I spoke in anger without thinking. I apologise.”
Wesley stood still for a minute and then he looked up, smiling stiffly. “It's... it's all right. I understand. It's just... I'm not slacking, Angel. I know how much he means to you and I'm doing the best I can.”
Angel blinked. Then he awkwardly looked away, hands fidgeting. “What do you mean, you know?”
Wesley's smile was patient if a bit irritated. “For what it's worth I'm glad you decided to stop hiding it. It was becoming quite embarrassing for all of us trying to act ignorant.”
“Ignorant of what? Hiding what?” Angel tried to look indignant even if he suspected the pout was rather overkill. “I wasn't hiding anything.”
“Oh for God's sake, Angel,” Wes snapped at him. “Don't start that again. I'm not in the mood for playing games. We're all adults here and fairly educated in vampire ways. Or human ways for that matter. I don't know why you always have to act so juvenile when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“I don't know what...” The glare Wes shot Angel shut him up and he looked down, swallowing. “So, you all know?”
“Yes, Angel. Everyone knows. From the moment he came it's been obvious. As soon as he got corporeal the bets started flying. Some even before.” Angel's obvious embarrassment brought the small smile to back his lips. “May I inquire if you've yet...”
Angel could feel his face heating up. “No, you may not!”
“That recent? Really?” Wes took up a small notebook from his pocket. “Charles is going to be very pleased.” He ticked off a line and then scribbled a few words down.
“And you call me juvenile!” Angel fought the urge to snatch the book away and see what he was writing. “Can we stop talking about my sexlife and get back to protecting Spike's?”
Wesley sighed and snapped the book shut then stuffed it back into his pocket. “The only thing I can think of is having him hypnotised and see if that gives us any clues to who or what did it to him originally.”
“You think that will work?”
“It might. I really don't know. Hypnosis isn't what you'd call my area of expertise.” Wes hesitated a moment. “You know, once under he will quite probably reveal what's been happening to him these last weeks. Anything you want to tell me before we start? Might make things easier.”
Angel stood still, staring out of the window. “He agrees with you. He thinks the soul is doing this to him to punish him for his past.”
Wesley frowned. “Would be an odd way. Sex isn't really an unpleasant punishment.”
Angel's shoulders tensed. “It's not sex. It's... solicitation.”
Wesley went still. “Ah. So he's been...?”
“Yes.”
“Unknowingly? And I guess unwillingly.”
“You don't whore yourself out for fun, Wesley.”
“No. Of course not.” He paused. “With strangers?”
“Yes.”
“And... and you?”
Angel's neck was so tense he thought it might snap. “Yes.”
Wesley nodded, careful not to look at him. “Did you... take him up on his offer?”
Angel stood still, staring out of the window. Then he slowly sank down to the floor, his back up against the couch as he hid his face in his hands. “Yes. God, yes. I tried... but he begged me. Like he needed it. Like not being used hurt him more than...” He shook his head. “But there's no excuse. I'm just as bad as those bastards who... Worse. Because I knew and I still did it. Still...” He laughed hoarsely. “At least they paid him.”
Wesley took a step forward, gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “But they don't love him.”
“If you're trying to make me feel worse you're doing a great job.”
Wes sighed. “Counselling wasn't really my area of expertise either.” He studied Angel's guilty face. “Does he blame you?”
Angel shook his head. “He said he'd rather I raped him than ignored him.”
Wes visibly flinched. “You... Did you?” His voice was barely audible.
“He wasn't within his right mind. He wasn't there to say no. What else would you call it?”
Wes swallowed. “Quite. Did you... hurt him? Physically, I mean.”
“Less then I used to. More than I should have.” Angel raised his head, blank eyes staring out into the dark. “Ever been taken there, Wes? First time it's... very tight.” He looked up at Wesley's flushed face. “We're vampires. We don't change. Every time is the first time. So yes, it hurts. At least at first.” He looked away again. “Usually we like it that way.”
“And...” Wes averted his eyes. “And did Spike... like it?”
“That's just it.” Angel studied his fingernails. “Spike would have loved it. But the man I took... I don't know and frankly, while I was fucking him I couldn't have cared less.” He swallowed. “I lost control. If he'd come to in the middle of it and told me to stop I don't think I would have.”
“Yes, you would.”
Wesley jumped startled to his feet and turned around but Angel sat still, not even looking up. Spike stood in the doorway, face grey and drawn, thin arms hugging his chest. Only a moment and then he relaxed and started towards them.
“Spike, I...” Wes blushed but Spike didn't even seem to notice him, just walked right past and knelt by Angel's side.
“Maybe not Angelus but you, you would have stopped. Not that I would have asked you to. I meant what I said, Angel. I wanted it, been wanting it for a long time.” He ran his fingers gently through the bristled hair. “Next time I'd rather be there from the beginning though.”
Angel finally looked up at Spike who smiled softly before capturing his lips in a gentle kiss. As the kiss deepened and they moved closer until they were locked in each others embrace, Wes quietly slipped away, closing the door silently behind him.
Continued here