Fic: The Fire Within, chapter 11. AU human. Liam/Spike. NC-17
Ok, so I thought maybe it was about time I posted more of this. Even if I have a small problem. Namely that this is it, I don't have more except two and a half pages of gibberish which means I must sit my ass down and actually write more soon, like preferably yesterday. *headdesk* I will, I will, I promise. Well, obviously not yesterday but soon.
One thing... I know this story is a bit heavy on the OMG!being gay is so hard!!11! and I really hope it's not off-putting. For Spike I'll say this: he's had a hard life and he's a tiny bit bitter. And before you say "No one gets that much shit thrown at them" let me tell you that yes, they do. Some people seem to attract bad things for no apparent reason. I have this friend. Her dad is an alcoholic bastard who hit them. She was molested by her uncle as a kid. Her insane brother tried to slit her throat. She had infertility problems. She got breast cancer and now she's got MS. Sometimes people's Karma is just shit. Spike has shit Karma but I'm hoping it's turning around soon. As for the others... misery loves company. Or something like that. Maybe I'm just too fond of my angst.
Title: The Fire Within, chapter 11
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Liam/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Author's note: Will someone tell Lindsey he's supposed to be straight in this story? Because he's absolutely killing me here. I don't think I've ever wanted to break up my OTP before but damn, he's tempting me and that just won't do. *rips out hair*. Dedicated to the sweet tx_cronopio on her birthday. *licks her all over*
Previous chapters are here
banner by mentalme85
The Fire Within, Chapter 11
“That was almost as much fun as I thought it would be. No, wait. It was exactly as much fun as I thought it would be.” Spike scowled and banged his teaspoon against the rim of his coffee cup so hard he was surprised it didn’t crack. “Christ, of course it was all my fault, for being a foreigner and a fucking fairy and hey, just me. Idiots.”
Lindsey gave him a worried glance as he took a sip from his own cup. “Man, that’s just Moore. You know most of the guys like you and don’t give a flying fuck if you’re gay or straight.”
“Yeah, I know. At the moment at least. Bet you it won’t be long until it all starts up again.” His hand shook slightly as he lifted the cup to his lips. “It always does.”
“If you hate it so much, why did you become a cop in the first place?”
Spike looked up at him with a puzzled frown. “I don’t hate my job. I love it. I always wanted to be a copper.” He paused. “Well, except when I was gonna be a famous punk singer.” He snorted and stuffed a big piece of pie into his mouth.
“Yeah, I wondered about that.” Lindsey pointed accusingly at him with the spoon. “Ain’t punk all about anarchy? Hating authorities, that sort of crap? Aren’t you betraying the cause or some shit like that?”
Spike grinned. “Maybe. I never cared much about politics. I just wanted to get on stage and scream out my anger and frustration under the pretence of music.”
“I get that. Hell, that’s half the reason I go on stage. Not so much screaming though, more cursing and sweating. But what made you join the force?”
Spike pursed his lips, stirring his coffee slowly. He wondered if Lindsey was really interested or if he was just being polite. He didn’t feel like bringing up his past unless he needed to. He glanced up at the man across the table to find what seemed like genuine interest in his eyes. Well, if they were going to be friends he guessed he could just as well get it over with.
“I moved here when I was twenty. Been squatting in houses and leaching of friends for four years back home and I was sick of it. I decided to look up my grandparents back in Ireland and they pretty much told me to jump in the bloody ocean. I threatened to put up a tent in their front garden, telling everyone I was their daughter’s illegitimate gay son if they didn’t give me enough money to move here. They gave in soon enough.”
He laughed bitterly at Lindsey’s startled look. “Yeah, I’m not exactly proud of that. I’d just had enough, you know? I can take the hatred from complete strangers, although I’ll never understand it, but your family’s supposed to love you no matter what. And no one in my family ever did, not even my mum.”
He blinked, surprised to find tears in his eyes. He thought he was over this but it still hurt like hell. His mother never loved him. God. His hand shook when he lifted the cup of coffee and he spilled on the table, splattering coffee over his plate and Lindsey’s. Shit. He grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped up the mess, face flushed and the lump in his throat burning.
“Then what?”
Spike looked up to find Lindsey watching him as if nothing had happened and he gave him a small grateful smile.
“Well, I bough the cheapest flight to New York, lived in a backpackers hotel for about a month. Then by share luck I won Dru in a game of poker. The bloke was high as a kite so I thought I’d better split before he got to his senses and decided he wanted her back. Came here. Slept in the car for two weeks while doing dishes in a restaurant in Echo Park. Used my spare time and money to fix her up. Finally got a room in a basement close by the restaurant. Small but clean.”
He took a deep breath. “Then one night I got jumped when I was walking home after work. Spent the next two weeks in the hospital with a broken leg, broken ribs and a cracked skull. I had no insurance but the restaurant owner paid for my stay. He was a great bloke. The best.”
Spike gave Lindsey a sad smile. “He died last year. Heart attack. Poor sod. I never managed to pay him back and his widow won’t let me. She’s a nice lady. I go see her every now and then.”
Lindsey moved the rest of his coffee-soaked pie around with his fork. “They ever get who did it?”
“No. Some college boys. Doesn’t matter.” Spike gave a short laugh. “Shit happens, right? And then it happens again. And again. It was like I was a magnet for those bastards. Like I was wearing a big sign saying, ‘I’m gay. Hit me.’” He snorted. “Didn’t think I was that obvious although I guess the accent was enough for most of them to brand me. Anyway… I decided to fight back and joined the academy. End of story.”
“Faith told me you got beaten up by our own.” Lindsey’s voice was eerily calm. “Anyone I know?”
Spike gave him a tired smile. “Why? You out to revenge me, my knight in shining armour? ‘Cause if you are, skip it.”
Lindsey shook his head. “Not unless they bother you again. Just thought it be better to know what kind of people I’m working with.”
“It won’t tell you anything.” He held up his hand as Lindsey made to protest. “Yes, some of them jumped me but I know others were wanting to, or at least cheering them on, if not aloud. It’s just the way things are, especially in our job. This is a man’s world, as the girls will repeatedly bitch about, and in the guys’ eyes I’m not a man. Hell, I don’t know what I am to them. I don’t care. It’s their problem not mine.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier.”
Spike laughed. “No, you’ve got that right. But I can’t let it beat me, you know? And to tell the truth, it’s been better than I expected. After the first couple of weeks, things settled down and no one gave a shit anymore. I mean, there are jokes and shit like that but nothing serious. I guess I’m just feeling down now because of Dru.” He gave Lindsey a grin. “I’ll be back to my cheerful self quite soon enough.”
Lindsey nodded, then seemed to hesitate. “You know I don’t mean anything by it when I’m… I’m just yanking your chain, Will. I’m not really… you know.”
Spike snorted but stopped when he saw Lindsey was serious. “Oh bloody hell, will you just quit it? If you stopped being an ass, then I would start to worry.” He kicked Lindsey’s foot under the table. “Now finish that pie and let’s get out of here. I don’t know about you but I’m still hung over. Think I’ll go home for a nap.”
“That mean my driving duties are over?”
“For the time being.” He threw a ten-dollar bill on the table and gave Lindsey a smile. “You must be pretty sick of me by now.”
Lindsey grinned. “Are you kidding me? I’ve had dinner and a show and gotten envious glares from every guy in this joint for snatching the prettiest girl.”
Spike rolled his eyes but he couldn’t help smiling. “First, it was coffee and pie and a tear-filled tale of angst. And second…” He paused then shook his head. “No, that part was right. I’m definitely the prettiest in here.”
“And so modest.”
“One of my best features. Among many.”
“Sure. You wanna take it easy tonight or do you think you’d be up for making some proper music?”
Spike tilted his head in thought. “I could strum a few strings. When’s that gig of yours?”
“Saturday in two weeks. It’s mostly country. You know, ‘My dog killed itself and my girl ran off with my poppa.’ That kind of shit.” Lindsey laughed at the look on Spike’s face. “I’m fucking with you. It’s country but more rock though. Trust me, you’ll like it.”
“Right.” Spike gave him a sceptical look. “You show me what you’ve got and then I’ll play you some real music.”
“Oh God. Should I bring earplugs?”
“For me then, you mean, when you start wailing about your dog?”
“Talking about dogs, what was that nickname of yours again?”
“Shut up.”
Lindsey threw back his head and laughed as the truck roared to life. “Spikeeey… Here doggie doggie doggie.”
“Watch it or I’ll hump your bloody leg.”
“As long as you don’t pee on me.”
----------------------------
Liam cursed and threw his cell phone down on the couch before dropping his head in his hands with a groan. He had a killer headache and his stomach was clenched like a tight fist. Shit.
He’d figured Spike would be pissed but he’d never expected to be cut out of his life completely. Liam had tried reaching him all night and all morning but only gotten his voicemail and answering machine. Not that he had any idea what to say. ‘Sorry’ or ‘Are you okay?’ didn’t really seem to cut it.
He felt like a fucking asshole and rightly so. When he’d realised whom the car belonged to he had panicked. That was the only word for it. If he could have he would have ran away before Will got there. As it was all he could do was stand to the side and watch his… friend? Potential lover? God, he didn’t even know. All he did know was that he should have walked up to Spike. Should have stood beside him. Should have fucking said something. Tell him he was sorry. That he knew how much the car meant to him. That they would get whoever did this. That he was there for him.
Instead he watched Lindsey greet Spike, giving him the support Liam should have been giving. His feet had itched to start walking, to go over there and hold the obviously shocked man close. God, he was just a kid. He didn’t deserve any of this. Spike had suddenly turned his head and Liam quickly looked away before he’d catch his eye. A coward’s way out but he knew he couldn’t face Spike and not storm over there to pull him into a hug.
When he chanced a glance back it was to see the defeated hunch of Spike’s shoulders and then the colour drain from his face as he looked down at the object in Lindsey’s hand. Liam didn’t need to come closer to know what it was. He’d shaken with anger when he’d seen the hateful words scribbled across the mirror.
He’d watched Faith walk over to join them, fury in every step. If they both could, why couldn’t he? Why was he still standing here, acting as if this had nothing at all to do with him? As if one of his friends wasn’t standing there, hurt and scared. God, what kind of asshole was he? He’d taken a deep breath and was about to take a step forward when Jesse poked him in the ribs and asked if he was done drooling over that Faith girl.
“Sure she’s cute but she’d never let you top, man. Not that I would mind being her bitch,” he’d added wistfully.
“Jesse, you’re everyone’s bitch,” Gunn had shouted and everyone started laughing.
Liam heard himself joining in even if his heart was still hammering and he avoided Gunn’s pointed stare. When he looked back Lindsay and Spike were walking to what he assumed was Lindsey’s truck. He felt a sting of jealousy that was ridiculous. As far as he knew Lindsey wasn’t gay and therefore no threat. And Spike could use a friend right now. It was all good. Lindsey would drive Spike home and in about an hour Liam was off his shift and he could go over and explain. He had no idea how but he had to make sure Spike knew he’d wanted to be there for him. He just couldn’t, not in front of everyone. It would be okay. Everything would be fine.
Except now it was almost 20 hours later and Spike wasn’t taking his calls or answering his messages and Liam was getting way beyond worried. He thought of driving by Spike’s place when he realised he didn’t even know where Spike lived. Not like he could call Lindsey to ask if he knew where Spike was.
The reality of the situation suddenly struck him. No one except Gunn knew they even knew each other. If anything happened to Spike he wouldn’t know. Spike could be hurt, or even killed, on the job and no one would think of telling Liam. It was even worse than with Billy because everyone had known they were friends, before ‘it’ happened, and they worked together. Billy wouldn’t have been able to burn his finger without Liam knowing about it. But Spike…
Liam suddenly grabbed the phone and dialled Gunn’s home number. It rang for a few minutes before a tired voice answered.
“Hello?”
“Fred? I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“It’s alright, Liam. I was just resting.”
“Sorry. Gunn there?”
“He went out. I had a sudden craving for cantaloupe. What’s up?”
He hesitated, biting his lip before answering. “Did he… Did he say anything about Will?”
There was a pause on the other line, then she cleared her throat. “Yeah. You talk to him yet?”
“I’ve tried. He’s not answering.”
“Now Liam, it’s non of my business but what you did? Hell, I wouldn’t talk to you if I were him.”
He cringed. “I know. I just…”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t get it but it’s your life and I guess you got to live it your way. But you can’t expect him to stick around when you pretty much turn your back on him.”
“I didn’t…”
“Yes, you did. I suggest you practice your grovelling, mister.”
“How can I grovel when he won’t pick up his phone? I just… I need to talk to him. And I don’t even know where he lives. Can you ask Gunn if he can find out?”
She sighed. “Yeah, alright. Liam?”
“Yeah?”
“Look… If this is how you’re planning your relationship with him, if you’re gonna have it just like you did with Billy… Let him go.”
“What?”
“Tell me it’s none of my business. Tell me I don’t have a damn clue what it’s like. You’d be right. Still doesn’t change the fact that you can’t ask him to change his whole life for you. Being with you doesn’t just mean he has to hide that you‘re together, it means he has to lie about everything. Something I guess he’s already doing for you. Can you really ask that of him? You really think that’s fair?”
He clenched his jaw. “You’re right. It’s non of your business.”
“Lia-“
He snapped his phone shut and threw it back down on the couch. Who the hell did she think she was? She had no idea. No fucking idea what it was like.
He’d tried the whole being open thing. He still had the marks from his father’s beating etched into his skin and more importantly his memory. Could still feel every lash of the belt hitting his back, slashing it open. And when his father stood back and said they would never mention this again that was what he did. Never mentioned it.
Almost fifteen years and still his dad held his son’s whole life in his clenched fist.
Liam got up and walked into the kitchen, throwing the fridge open. A couple of beers stood innocently on the shelf. He grabbed one, twisted it open, and emptied it in one go. It didn’t make him feel any better. He chucked the empty bottle into the trash and grabbed the other, pausing only for a second before opening it as well.
He drank slower this time, savouring the taste. He’d kept to only one at a time since that whole attempted suicide thing happened, which frankly, he still didn’t get. He wasn’t depressed. Not really. It must have been the alcohol, messing with his brain. He probably never would have gone through with it even if he hadn’t called Spike. He would have come to his senses, he was sure of it. Obviously he had to be careful when drinking. Not like he was an alcoholic or anything. He just had a tendency to get carried away if he drank too much, that was all.
Liam closed the fridge and stared right into Billy’s smiling eyes.
“Liam?”
“Yeah?”
“Last night… can we not do that again?”
“What?”
“You know…”
“No. What?”
“Nothing. Nevermind.”
“No, tell me. What did we do?”
“You don’t remember?”
“We got drunk. We had sex. Nothing new.”
“You… hurt me.”
“What!?!”
“It was too rough. I didn’t like it.”
“God, Billy. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I did. You didn’t listen.”
“Jesus. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s… it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
Suddenly Billy’s smile didn’t seem as genuine, his eyes not as bright. Liam sucked in his breath and put the beer down. Then grabbed it again and gulped down the rest before adding it to the trash, his breathing laboured and sweat running down his back.
It was too quiet, the silence filling the apartment like smoke, suffocating him. He’d forgotten how damn quiet this place was when there was just him and all those damn memories pounding in his brain. He felt slightly sick, the taste of beer and bile burping its way up his throat. He needed to get out of here. Needed…
He needed Spike.
Liam straightened up with a snap and turned on his heels, marching into the living room. He grabbed the cell from the couch and his jacket from the stand by the door. He dialled the number while jogging down the stairs, only hesitating slightly when asked for his name and then requested the number to Lindsey’s cell phone.
He was in the car when the call got picked up with a breathless “Yeah?” but before he could get the words out there was the sound of low chuckle that he would recognise anywhere, breathed close enough to brush static over the line. “Christ, luv. That was… wow. Think you blew my brains out with that.”
Liam snapped the phone shut so fast it slipped from his hand and tumbled onto the floor. They were… Jesus! His head roared with the blood rushing to it, his knuckles shone white on the steering wheel as he clutched it hard. Will. And Lindsey. They were…
Clenching his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might shatter he started the car and put it in gear.
To hell with it all.
-----------------------
“That was great, mate. Haven’t had so much fun in ages.” Spike leaned back and smiled, a bottle of beer dangling from his fingers, the guitar resting on his lap. “Even if it was country,” he added with a smirk.
“And your shit wasn’t that bad either. Even if it was punk,” Lindsey grinned and ducked when Spike faked clocking him with the beer. “Watch it!”
Spike just laughed and put the beer on the table before lifting the guitar of his lap and resting it against the couch. “Nice instrument you have there.”
At Lindsey’s raised eyebrows he rolled his eyes and said,” The guitar, you bloody idiot. You have sex on the brain, mate.”
“Nah, I just like riling you up.”
“Right.” Spike grinned. “Whatever you say, sweetheart. So… what’s with you and Faith?”
Christ, was the guy actually blushing?
“Nothing. She’s my partner. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“Don’t you know by now? My mind never leaves the gutter. But she’s quite something, right?” Spike elbowed him lightly. “Bet she’d be wild in bed. Like a tiger.”
“Dude!”
Oh yeah, definitely blushing.
“Aaww, me thinks someone has a crush. So why don’t you go for it?”
“Are you kidding? She’d probably rip my balls off and wear them as earrings. Plus she has a thing with someone. I think.”
“Yeah? Who?”
“You remember Wood from the Academy? Taught weapon training.”
“You’re kidding me! She’s dating him?”
“I don’t know. I’ve seen them together sometimes.” Lindsey shrugged. “Not that I would make a move anyway. Bad idea hooking up with your partner. Makes you lose focus and if things go sour you’re screwed.”
Spike nodded. “I guess. But then again, if it did, you could always partner with me,” he quipped and reached over to punch Lindsey lightly in the arm.
Lindsey snorted. “I’d spend half my time keeping my ass from your grabby hands and the other half rescuing you from gay bashers. No thanks.”
Spike stilled. “Yeah, because I’m such a weak kitty, I need someone to babysit me.” He smiled but the joke was sour and he stood up. “Think I’ll be heading home.”
Lindsey frowned up at him. “Man, I was joking. Don’t be such a drama queen. I know you’re a good cop.”
Spike stood silent for a while then he looked down at Lindsey, all laughter gone. “Doesn’t matter how good of a cop I am, Lindsey. And I’m sorry but I don’t find the prospect of being beaten up, again, to be funny. There are only about three coppers out there that I trust would have my back instead of turning theirs and you’re one of them. So yeah, I’m probably gonna need rescuing some day. And chances are none of you will be there. I don’t think you realise what that feels like, knowing it’s not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’. Only question is how many times it will happen before they kill me.”
“Spike…”
He waved his hand dismissively. “I know what you’re gonna say. That most gay people walk through their lives without ever having anything like that happen to them. Well, I’m not them. I’m cursed, or so it seems. I’ve had more bones broken by steel-toed boots than you’d care to count. I’ve had my teeth smashed in and my head cracked and my fucking arse-“ He stopped, breath heaving. “I’m like a bloody magnet for those fuckers but I’m not quitting. I’m not giving up and I’m not gonna hide behind you or anyone else. I can only count on myself and that’s what I do. But I still like to know that if it came to it whoever I am partnered with will be there for me.” He swallowed. “Kate’s waiting to be transferred and it scares the shit out of me that I might end up with someone who…” He stopped again then shook his head. “That’s all.”
“She’s being transferred? Why?”
“That man of hers got a job in New York. They’re leaving in a couple of months.”
“Well… shit. That’s not good. She’s one of the best.”
“I know. I was lucky to get her. There are only so many women on the force, you know? Wanna bet they partner me with Summers?” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, she’s good but she never ever shuts up. And she treats me like her bloody girlfriend. One day I’m gonna whip it out and show her that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have a fucking vagina.”
Lindsey snorted. “That probably would shut her up. I say go for it.” He frowned and tilted his head. “Why would they only partner you with women?”
Spike gave him a pointed look. “Why do you think? The guys that aren’t waiting for a chance to kick me are sure I’m gonna make a move on them. Because, being gay, I can’t keep my hands to myself and want to fuck everything with a dick. Didn’t you know that’s what we’re like? Every fucking one of us?” His voice was bitter and he grabbed the beer, finishing it in one draft before wiping his mouth with the back off his hand. “You know, when we aren’t raping babies or spreading the gay virus.”
Lindsey stood up and grabbed the beer from his hand. “Ok, calm down.” He pushed Spike to sit down on the couch and settled down beside him. “Listen, I know I can never understand what it feels like…”
“Too right you can’t.”
“But you can’t let it consume you like this. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs. You said it yourself. Fuck them.”
“I say all kinds of shit. Doesn’t mean I believe any of it. Plus it kinda becomes my problem when they break my fucking neck.”
Lindsey sighed. “I swear, Spike, if anyone lays a hand on you I’ll fucking kill them, ok?”
Spike looked up at him. “I don’t get it. I don’t…” He shook his head
“What?”
“Why are you doing this? Why are you being nice? What the hell did I ever do to make you like me?”
There was silence for a while and when he looked up Lindsey was watching him with hooded eyes.
“Linds?”
Lindsey stood up and walked into the kitchen, coming back a moment later with two new beers. He handed one to Spike and he accepted it, taking a sip while waiting for Lindsey to settle down. There was a moment’s silence and the Lindsey cleared his throat.
“I had a best friend back home. He was… like every American girl’s dream. Tall, blond, captain of the football team. Went out with the prettiest cheerleader. But he wasn’t your average smartass jock. Just funny and kind and the best friend you could wish for. He looked after me from the day we met. I’ve always been short but I used to be scrawny as hell and if he hadn’t been there I would have gotten my ass kicked every other day. When things got too bad at home he’d take me to his house and his momma would hold me and rock me while I cried. It was like my second home. A much better home. I loved that guy more than anyone in my own family.”
“You were…?”
“No. Not like that. Not on my part anyway. I don’t know about him. See, one day I got to school and everyone was in a buzz. Talking and whispering and some girls were crying. And when they saw me they shut up and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Until one of the guys on his team came over and asked me if I’d known. I must have looked right stupid because he just looked at me with disgust and said, ‘Course you knew. You’ve probably been sucking his dick since kindergarten.’ Of course I punched him even if I still had no idea what he was talking about.”
“Christ.”
“Turns out my best friend had been caught in bed with a member of his team. A junior. His poppa got his shotgun and put a buckload of bullets in my friends head, right there in his son’s bedroom. He was dead before he hit the floor. Didn’t even have time to put his pants on.”
“Jesus!”
“The fucker only got a couple of years. They called it selfdefence, like he’d been attacking the guy. It was all lies. His son got shipped to military school. And I got the hell out of that place as soon as I could.”
They sat silent for a while and then Spike looked up, watching him. “You never knew.”
“No. No idea. And that hurts like hell, you know, that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”
“What would you have done if he had?”
Lindsey shook his head. “I don’t know. That’s the thing. Back then… I’d love to say I would have been cool about it but truth is I probably would have freaked out. I’d come around eventually, I think, but first reaction? I probably would have walked out on him, despite everything he was to me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“No. But the possibility made me hate myself. And knowing that he thought he couldn’t trust me… I decided I didn’t want to be that guy. I wanted to be the kind of man that he would have had no trouble turning to. Doesn’t matter to me if someone’s gay or straight, black or white, whatever. I judge people for who they are not what they are or who the fuck they sleep with.” He looked up at Spike. “I didn’t become friends with you because you’re gay but because you’re you. The gay thing doesn’t matter to me. Except it gives me an opportunity to learn more about what it’s like. Ok?”
Spike nodded slowly. “Ok.”
“Doesn’t mean I wanna talk about buttsex or sing I will survive or some shit like that though.” He gave a small smile. “Can’t really reach those high tones anyway.”
Spike smiled back. “You could always sing that Willie Nelson song.”
Lindsey chuckled. “Yeah well, I’ll think about it.”
They sat quiet for a while and then Spike reached out and laid his hand on Lindsey’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I overreacted. Earlier, I mean. I just hate it when people see me as weak or treat me like a bloody bint. I’m taller than you!”
“Standing on a chair maybe.” Lindsey grinned. “And I get it, man. I kept getting shit for being short. I’ve been in my share of fights. People are dicks. You just gotta show them you’re tough. By kicking their teeth in if you have to.”
“Yeah. I guess.” Spike shrugged. “Until now they’ve usually kicked my teeth in though.”
“Didn’t they train you at the Academy?”
“Yeah, but only the basics. It’s not like they were training us for SWAT or anything.”
“I could teach you. We could spar.” He grinned. “You’d like that, you horn dog. You and me, half-naked and sweaty, wrestling on the floor. There could be oiled involved…”
“Christ.” Spike groaned and shook his head. “I’m not a saint, you know. If you keep this up, one day I will lay one on you.”
“What? You gonna punch me?”
He locked his eyes with Lindsey’s. “Kiss you, you idiot. You keep taunting me and I might just kiss you.”
“Oh.” Lindsey frowned. “Really? I make you hot? This shit turns you on?”
“Yes.” Spike blushed. “You’re a good looking bloke, Linds. And I’m only human. I know you’re not gay but you’re still hot as hell and you might not realise it but you’re flirting like a two-dollar prostitute. All the time. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s also frustrating when I’m all hot and bothered and can’t do anything about it.”
“Huh.” Lindsey seemed honestly surprised. “You could always go to the bathroom and jerk off. You can think of me if you want to, I don’t mind.”
“Jesus! Don’t say stuff like that.”
“What? I’m being supportive and understanding.”
“You’re being a cocktease, that’s what,” Spike pouted. “It’s not bloody fair. You not being gay.”
“Tell you something,” Lindsey said, laying one hand on Spike’s thigh. “I’m not close minded. Get me drunk enough and I might go for it.”
“That’s the second time you’ve said that.” Spike tilted his head studying him. “Something you wanna tell me?”
“No.”
“Because I’m not going to get you drunk just so I can kiss you.”
“Man, I like being drunk,” Lindsey snorted and stood up, walking into the kitchen to grab them two more beers. Spike waited patiently until he was settled down, each with a cool bottle in their hand.
“That’s not the point. If you don’t want it sober I’m not gonna trick you into wanting it when you’re drunk.”
“Christ, you’re way too nice.” Lindsey smiled. “Ok, how about this? We go out, we both get drunk, I kiss you and you kiss a woman. That seems fair.”
“You’re such an idiot, you know that?” Spike snorted.
“No, see. I was watching Oprah…”
“You watch Oprah? Oh my God, you are gay.”
“Shut up. I was hung over. Oprah is great for hangovers. Anyway, I was watching Oprah and there was this chick talking about sexuality and how everyone is at least a little gay. Like, we have the gene but whether we use it or not depends on the circumstances. If we never meet anyone we’d like that way it never gets activated. But if we do…” He shrugged but he was slightly flushed and refused to meet Spike’s eyes.
Spike watched him quietly then reached out and brushed the hair out of Lindsey’s face. “Tell you what, if we do get drunk and you feel like kissing me just do it. Just promise me it won’t be weird the morning after.”
Lindsey’s lips twitched and then he looked up with a twinkle in his eye. “Unless I wake up with a condom hanging out of my ass I think we’ll be good.”
Continued here
One thing... I know this story is a bit heavy on the OMG!being gay is so hard!!11! and I really hope it's not off-putting. For Spike I'll say this: he's had a hard life and he's a tiny bit bitter. And before you say "No one gets that much shit thrown at them" let me tell you that yes, they do. Some people seem to attract bad things for no apparent reason. I have this friend. Her dad is an alcoholic bastard who hit them. She was molested by her uncle as a kid. Her insane brother tried to slit her throat. She had infertility problems. She got breast cancer and now she's got MS. Sometimes people's Karma is just shit. Spike has shit Karma but I'm hoping it's turning around soon. As for the others... misery loves company. Or something like that. Maybe I'm just too fond of my angst.
Title: The Fire Within, chapter 11
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Liam/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Author's note: Will someone tell Lindsey he's supposed to be straight in this story? Because he's absolutely killing me here. I don't think I've ever wanted to break up my OTP before but damn, he's tempting me and that just won't do. *rips out hair*. Dedicated to the sweet tx_cronopio on her birthday. *licks her all over*
Previous chapters are here
banner by mentalme85
The Fire Within, Chapter 11
“That was almost as much fun as I thought it would be. No, wait. It was exactly as much fun as I thought it would be.” Spike scowled and banged his teaspoon against the rim of his coffee cup so hard he was surprised it didn’t crack. “Christ, of course it was all my fault, for being a foreigner and a fucking fairy and hey, just me. Idiots.”
Lindsey gave him a worried glance as he took a sip from his own cup. “Man, that’s just Moore. You know most of the guys like you and don’t give a flying fuck if you’re gay or straight.”
“Yeah, I know. At the moment at least. Bet you it won’t be long until it all starts up again.” His hand shook slightly as he lifted the cup to his lips. “It always does.”
“If you hate it so much, why did you become a cop in the first place?”
Spike looked up at him with a puzzled frown. “I don’t hate my job. I love it. I always wanted to be a copper.” He paused. “Well, except when I was gonna be a famous punk singer.” He snorted and stuffed a big piece of pie into his mouth.
“Yeah, I wondered about that.” Lindsey pointed accusingly at him with the spoon. “Ain’t punk all about anarchy? Hating authorities, that sort of crap? Aren’t you betraying the cause or some shit like that?”
Spike grinned. “Maybe. I never cared much about politics. I just wanted to get on stage and scream out my anger and frustration under the pretence of music.”
“I get that. Hell, that’s half the reason I go on stage. Not so much screaming though, more cursing and sweating. But what made you join the force?”
Spike pursed his lips, stirring his coffee slowly. He wondered if Lindsey was really interested or if he was just being polite. He didn’t feel like bringing up his past unless he needed to. He glanced up at the man across the table to find what seemed like genuine interest in his eyes. Well, if they were going to be friends he guessed he could just as well get it over with.
“I moved here when I was twenty. Been squatting in houses and leaching of friends for four years back home and I was sick of it. I decided to look up my grandparents back in Ireland and they pretty much told me to jump in the bloody ocean. I threatened to put up a tent in their front garden, telling everyone I was their daughter’s illegitimate gay son if they didn’t give me enough money to move here. They gave in soon enough.”
He laughed bitterly at Lindsey’s startled look. “Yeah, I’m not exactly proud of that. I’d just had enough, you know? I can take the hatred from complete strangers, although I’ll never understand it, but your family’s supposed to love you no matter what. And no one in my family ever did, not even my mum.”
He blinked, surprised to find tears in his eyes. He thought he was over this but it still hurt like hell. His mother never loved him. God. His hand shook when he lifted the cup of coffee and he spilled on the table, splattering coffee over his plate and Lindsey’s. Shit. He grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped up the mess, face flushed and the lump in his throat burning.
“Then what?”
Spike looked up to find Lindsey watching him as if nothing had happened and he gave him a small grateful smile.
“Well, I bough the cheapest flight to New York, lived in a backpackers hotel for about a month. Then by share luck I won Dru in a game of poker. The bloke was high as a kite so I thought I’d better split before he got to his senses and decided he wanted her back. Came here. Slept in the car for two weeks while doing dishes in a restaurant in Echo Park. Used my spare time and money to fix her up. Finally got a room in a basement close by the restaurant. Small but clean.”
He took a deep breath. “Then one night I got jumped when I was walking home after work. Spent the next two weeks in the hospital with a broken leg, broken ribs and a cracked skull. I had no insurance but the restaurant owner paid for my stay. He was a great bloke. The best.”
Spike gave Lindsey a sad smile. “He died last year. Heart attack. Poor sod. I never managed to pay him back and his widow won’t let me. She’s a nice lady. I go see her every now and then.”
Lindsey moved the rest of his coffee-soaked pie around with his fork. “They ever get who did it?”
“No. Some college boys. Doesn’t matter.” Spike gave a short laugh. “Shit happens, right? And then it happens again. And again. It was like I was a magnet for those bastards. Like I was wearing a big sign saying, ‘I’m gay. Hit me.’” He snorted. “Didn’t think I was that obvious although I guess the accent was enough for most of them to brand me. Anyway… I decided to fight back and joined the academy. End of story.”
“Faith told me you got beaten up by our own.” Lindsey’s voice was eerily calm. “Anyone I know?”
Spike gave him a tired smile. “Why? You out to revenge me, my knight in shining armour? ‘Cause if you are, skip it.”
Lindsey shook his head. “Not unless they bother you again. Just thought it be better to know what kind of people I’m working with.”
“It won’t tell you anything.” He held up his hand as Lindsey made to protest. “Yes, some of them jumped me but I know others were wanting to, or at least cheering them on, if not aloud. It’s just the way things are, especially in our job. This is a man’s world, as the girls will repeatedly bitch about, and in the guys’ eyes I’m not a man. Hell, I don’t know what I am to them. I don’t care. It’s their problem not mine.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier.”
Spike laughed. “No, you’ve got that right. But I can’t let it beat me, you know? And to tell the truth, it’s been better than I expected. After the first couple of weeks, things settled down and no one gave a shit anymore. I mean, there are jokes and shit like that but nothing serious. I guess I’m just feeling down now because of Dru.” He gave Lindsey a grin. “I’ll be back to my cheerful self quite soon enough.”
Lindsey nodded, then seemed to hesitate. “You know I don’t mean anything by it when I’m… I’m just yanking your chain, Will. I’m not really… you know.”
Spike snorted but stopped when he saw Lindsey was serious. “Oh bloody hell, will you just quit it? If you stopped being an ass, then I would start to worry.” He kicked Lindsey’s foot under the table. “Now finish that pie and let’s get out of here. I don’t know about you but I’m still hung over. Think I’ll go home for a nap.”
“That mean my driving duties are over?”
“For the time being.” He threw a ten-dollar bill on the table and gave Lindsey a smile. “You must be pretty sick of me by now.”
Lindsey grinned. “Are you kidding me? I’ve had dinner and a show and gotten envious glares from every guy in this joint for snatching the prettiest girl.”
Spike rolled his eyes but he couldn’t help smiling. “First, it was coffee and pie and a tear-filled tale of angst. And second…” He paused then shook his head. “No, that part was right. I’m definitely the prettiest in here.”
“And so modest.”
“One of my best features. Among many.”
“Sure. You wanna take it easy tonight or do you think you’d be up for making some proper music?”
Spike tilted his head in thought. “I could strum a few strings. When’s that gig of yours?”
“Saturday in two weeks. It’s mostly country. You know, ‘My dog killed itself and my girl ran off with my poppa.’ That kind of shit.” Lindsey laughed at the look on Spike’s face. “I’m fucking with you. It’s country but more rock though. Trust me, you’ll like it.”
“Right.” Spike gave him a sceptical look. “You show me what you’ve got and then I’ll play you some real music.”
“Oh God. Should I bring earplugs?”
“For me then, you mean, when you start wailing about your dog?”
“Talking about dogs, what was that nickname of yours again?”
“Shut up.”
Lindsey threw back his head and laughed as the truck roared to life. “Spikeeey… Here doggie doggie doggie.”
“Watch it or I’ll hump your bloody leg.”
“As long as you don’t pee on me.”
----------------------------
Liam cursed and threw his cell phone down on the couch before dropping his head in his hands with a groan. He had a killer headache and his stomach was clenched like a tight fist. Shit.
He’d figured Spike would be pissed but he’d never expected to be cut out of his life completely. Liam had tried reaching him all night and all morning but only gotten his voicemail and answering machine. Not that he had any idea what to say. ‘Sorry’ or ‘Are you okay?’ didn’t really seem to cut it.
He felt like a fucking asshole and rightly so. When he’d realised whom the car belonged to he had panicked. That was the only word for it. If he could have he would have ran away before Will got there. As it was all he could do was stand to the side and watch his… friend? Potential lover? God, he didn’t even know. All he did know was that he should have walked up to Spike. Should have stood beside him. Should have fucking said something. Tell him he was sorry. That he knew how much the car meant to him. That they would get whoever did this. That he was there for him.
Instead he watched Lindsey greet Spike, giving him the support Liam should have been giving. His feet had itched to start walking, to go over there and hold the obviously shocked man close. God, he was just a kid. He didn’t deserve any of this. Spike had suddenly turned his head and Liam quickly looked away before he’d catch his eye. A coward’s way out but he knew he couldn’t face Spike and not storm over there to pull him into a hug.
When he chanced a glance back it was to see the defeated hunch of Spike’s shoulders and then the colour drain from his face as he looked down at the object in Lindsey’s hand. Liam didn’t need to come closer to know what it was. He’d shaken with anger when he’d seen the hateful words scribbled across the mirror.
He’d watched Faith walk over to join them, fury in every step. If they both could, why couldn’t he? Why was he still standing here, acting as if this had nothing at all to do with him? As if one of his friends wasn’t standing there, hurt and scared. God, what kind of asshole was he? He’d taken a deep breath and was about to take a step forward when Jesse poked him in the ribs and asked if he was done drooling over that Faith girl.
“Sure she’s cute but she’d never let you top, man. Not that I would mind being her bitch,” he’d added wistfully.
“Jesse, you’re everyone’s bitch,” Gunn had shouted and everyone started laughing.
Liam heard himself joining in even if his heart was still hammering and he avoided Gunn’s pointed stare. When he looked back Lindsay and Spike were walking to what he assumed was Lindsey’s truck. He felt a sting of jealousy that was ridiculous. As far as he knew Lindsey wasn’t gay and therefore no threat. And Spike could use a friend right now. It was all good. Lindsey would drive Spike home and in about an hour Liam was off his shift and he could go over and explain. He had no idea how but he had to make sure Spike knew he’d wanted to be there for him. He just couldn’t, not in front of everyone. It would be okay. Everything would be fine.
Except now it was almost 20 hours later and Spike wasn’t taking his calls or answering his messages and Liam was getting way beyond worried. He thought of driving by Spike’s place when he realised he didn’t even know where Spike lived. Not like he could call Lindsey to ask if he knew where Spike was.
The reality of the situation suddenly struck him. No one except Gunn knew they even knew each other. If anything happened to Spike he wouldn’t know. Spike could be hurt, or even killed, on the job and no one would think of telling Liam. It was even worse than with Billy because everyone had known they were friends, before ‘it’ happened, and they worked together. Billy wouldn’t have been able to burn his finger without Liam knowing about it. But Spike…
Liam suddenly grabbed the phone and dialled Gunn’s home number. It rang for a few minutes before a tired voice answered.
“Hello?”
“Fred? I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“It’s alright, Liam. I was just resting.”
“Sorry. Gunn there?”
“He went out. I had a sudden craving for cantaloupe. What’s up?”
He hesitated, biting his lip before answering. “Did he… Did he say anything about Will?”
There was a pause on the other line, then she cleared her throat. “Yeah. You talk to him yet?”
“I’ve tried. He’s not answering.”
“Now Liam, it’s non of my business but what you did? Hell, I wouldn’t talk to you if I were him.”
He cringed. “I know. I just…”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t get it but it’s your life and I guess you got to live it your way. But you can’t expect him to stick around when you pretty much turn your back on him.”
“I didn’t…”
“Yes, you did. I suggest you practice your grovelling, mister.”
“How can I grovel when he won’t pick up his phone? I just… I need to talk to him. And I don’t even know where he lives. Can you ask Gunn if he can find out?”
She sighed. “Yeah, alright. Liam?”
“Yeah?”
“Look… If this is how you’re planning your relationship with him, if you’re gonna have it just like you did with Billy… Let him go.”
“What?”
“Tell me it’s none of my business. Tell me I don’t have a damn clue what it’s like. You’d be right. Still doesn’t change the fact that you can’t ask him to change his whole life for you. Being with you doesn’t just mean he has to hide that you‘re together, it means he has to lie about everything. Something I guess he’s already doing for you. Can you really ask that of him? You really think that’s fair?”
He clenched his jaw. “You’re right. It’s non of your business.”
“Lia-“
He snapped his phone shut and threw it back down on the couch. Who the hell did she think she was? She had no idea. No fucking idea what it was like.
He’d tried the whole being open thing. He still had the marks from his father’s beating etched into his skin and more importantly his memory. Could still feel every lash of the belt hitting his back, slashing it open. And when his father stood back and said they would never mention this again that was what he did. Never mentioned it.
Almost fifteen years and still his dad held his son’s whole life in his clenched fist.
Liam got up and walked into the kitchen, throwing the fridge open. A couple of beers stood innocently on the shelf. He grabbed one, twisted it open, and emptied it in one go. It didn’t make him feel any better. He chucked the empty bottle into the trash and grabbed the other, pausing only for a second before opening it as well.
He drank slower this time, savouring the taste. He’d kept to only one at a time since that whole attempted suicide thing happened, which frankly, he still didn’t get. He wasn’t depressed. Not really. It must have been the alcohol, messing with his brain. He probably never would have gone through with it even if he hadn’t called Spike. He would have come to his senses, he was sure of it. Obviously he had to be careful when drinking. Not like he was an alcoholic or anything. He just had a tendency to get carried away if he drank too much, that was all.
Liam closed the fridge and stared right into Billy’s smiling eyes.
“Liam?”
“Yeah?”
“Last night… can we not do that again?”
“What?”
“You know…”
“No. What?”
“Nothing. Nevermind.”
“No, tell me. What did we do?”
“You don’t remember?”
“We got drunk. We had sex. Nothing new.”
“You… hurt me.”
“What!?!”
“It was too rough. I didn’t like it.”
“God, Billy. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I did. You didn’t listen.”
“Jesus. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s… it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
Suddenly Billy’s smile didn’t seem as genuine, his eyes not as bright. Liam sucked in his breath and put the beer down. Then grabbed it again and gulped down the rest before adding it to the trash, his breathing laboured and sweat running down his back.
It was too quiet, the silence filling the apartment like smoke, suffocating him. He’d forgotten how damn quiet this place was when there was just him and all those damn memories pounding in his brain. He felt slightly sick, the taste of beer and bile burping its way up his throat. He needed to get out of here. Needed…
He needed Spike.
Liam straightened up with a snap and turned on his heels, marching into the living room. He grabbed the cell from the couch and his jacket from the stand by the door. He dialled the number while jogging down the stairs, only hesitating slightly when asked for his name and then requested the number to Lindsey’s cell phone.
He was in the car when the call got picked up with a breathless “Yeah?” but before he could get the words out there was the sound of low chuckle that he would recognise anywhere, breathed close enough to brush static over the line. “Christ, luv. That was… wow. Think you blew my brains out with that.”
Liam snapped the phone shut so fast it slipped from his hand and tumbled onto the floor. They were… Jesus! His head roared with the blood rushing to it, his knuckles shone white on the steering wheel as he clutched it hard. Will. And Lindsey. They were…
Clenching his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might shatter he started the car and put it in gear.
To hell with it all.
-----------------------
“That was great, mate. Haven’t had so much fun in ages.” Spike leaned back and smiled, a bottle of beer dangling from his fingers, the guitar resting on his lap. “Even if it was country,” he added with a smirk.
“And your shit wasn’t that bad either. Even if it was punk,” Lindsey grinned and ducked when Spike faked clocking him with the beer. “Watch it!”
Spike just laughed and put the beer on the table before lifting the guitar of his lap and resting it against the couch. “Nice instrument you have there.”
At Lindsey’s raised eyebrows he rolled his eyes and said,” The guitar, you bloody idiot. You have sex on the brain, mate.”
“Nah, I just like riling you up.”
“Right.” Spike grinned. “Whatever you say, sweetheart. So… what’s with you and Faith?”
Christ, was the guy actually blushing?
“Nothing. She’s my partner. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“Don’t you know by now? My mind never leaves the gutter. But she’s quite something, right?” Spike elbowed him lightly. “Bet she’d be wild in bed. Like a tiger.”
“Dude!”
Oh yeah, definitely blushing.
“Aaww, me thinks someone has a crush. So why don’t you go for it?”
“Are you kidding? She’d probably rip my balls off and wear them as earrings. Plus she has a thing with someone. I think.”
“Yeah? Who?”
“You remember Wood from the Academy? Taught weapon training.”
“You’re kidding me! She’s dating him?”
“I don’t know. I’ve seen them together sometimes.” Lindsey shrugged. “Not that I would make a move anyway. Bad idea hooking up with your partner. Makes you lose focus and if things go sour you’re screwed.”
Spike nodded. “I guess. But then again, if it did, you could always partner with me,” he quipped and reached over to punch Lindsey lightly in the arm.
Lindsey snorted. “I’d spend half my time keeping my ass from your grabby hands and the other half rescuing you from gay bashers. No thanks.”
Spike stilled. “Yeah, because I’m such a weak kitty, I need someone to babysit me.” He smiled but the joke was sour and he stood up. “Think I’ll be heading home.”
Lindsey frowned up at him. “Man, I was joking. Don’t be such a drama queen. I know you’re a good cop.”
Spike stood silent for a while then he looked down at Lindsey, all laughter gone. “Doesn’t matter how good of a cop I am, Lindsey. And I’m sorry but I don’t find the prospect of being beaten up, again, to be funny. There are only about three coppers out there that I trust would have my back instead of turning theirs and you’re one of them. So yeah, I’m probably gonna need rescuing some day. And chances are none of you will be there. I don’t think you realise what that feels like, knowing it’s not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’. Only question is how many times it will happen before they kill me.”
“Spike…”
He waved his hand dismissively. “I know what you’re gonna say. That most gay people walk through their lives without ever having anything like that happen to them. Well, I’m not them. I’m cursed, or so it seems. I’ve had more bones broken by steel-toed boots than you’d care to count. I’ve had my teeth smashed in and my head cracked and my fucking arse-“ He stopped, breath heaving. “I’m like a bloody magnet for those fuckers but I’m not quitting. I’m not giving up and I’m not gonna hide behind you or anyone else. I can only count on myself and that’s what I do. But I still like to know that if it came to it whoever I am partnered with will be there for me.” He swallowed. “Kate’s waiting to be transferred and it scares the shit out of me that I might end up with someone who…” He stopped again then shook his head. “That’s all.”
“She’s being transferred? Why?”
“That man of hers got a job in New York. They’re leaving in a couple of months.”
“Well… shit. That’s not good. She’s one of the best.”
“I know. I was lucky to get her. There are only so many women on the force, you know? Wanna bet they partner me with Summers?” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, she’s good but she never ever shuts up. And she treats me like her bloody girlfriend. One day I’m gonna whip it out and show her that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have a fucking vagina.”
Lindsey snorted. “That probably would shut her up. I say go for it.” He frowned and tilted his head. “Why would they only partner you with women?”
Spike gave him a pointed look. “Why do you think? The guys that aren’t waiting for a chance to kick me are sure I’m gonna make a move on them. Because, being gay, I can’t keep my hands to myself and want to fuck everything with a dick. Didn’t you know that’s what we’re like? Every fucking one of us?” His voice was bitter and he grabbed the beer, finishing it in one draft before wiping his mouth with the back off his hand. “You know, when we aren’t raping babies or spreading the gay virus.”
Lindsey stood up and grabbed the beer from his hand. “Ok, calm down.” He pushed Spike to sit down on the couch and settled down beside him. “Listen, I know I can never understand what it feels like…”
“Too right you can’t.”
“But you can’t let it consume you like this. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs. You said it yourself. Fuck them.”
“I say all kinds of shit. Doesn’t mean I believe any of it. Plus it kinda becomes my problem when they break my fucking neck.”
Lindsey sighed. “I swear, Spike, if anyone lays a hand on you I’ll fucking kill them, ok?”
Spike looked up at him. “I don’t get it. I don’t…” He shook his head
“What?”
“Why are you doing this? Why are you being nice? What the hell did I ever do to make you like me?”
There was silence for a while and when he looked up Lindsey was watching him with hooded eyes.
“Linds?”
Lindsey stood up and walked into the kitchen, coming back a moment later with two new beers. He handed one to Spike and he accepted it, taking a sip while waiting for Lindsey to settle down. There was a moment’s silence and the Lindsey cleared his throat.
“I had a best friend back home. He was… like every American girl’s dream. Tall, blond, captain of the football team. Went out with the prettiest cheerleader. But he wasn’t your average smartass jock. Just funny and kind and the best friend you could wish for. He looked after me from the day we met. I’ve always been short but I used to be scrawny as hell and if he hadn’t been there I would have gotten my ass kicked every other day. When things got too bad at home he’d take me to his house and his momma would hold me and rock me while I cried. It was like my second home. A much better home. I loved that guy more than anyone in my own family.”
“You were…?”
“No. Not like that. Not on my part anyway. I don’t know about him. See, one day I got to school and everyone was in a buzz. Talking and whispering and some girls were crying. And when they saw me they shut up and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Until one of the guys on his team came over and asked me if I’d known. I must have looked right stupid because he just looked at me with disgust and said, ‘Course you knew. You’ve probably been sucking his dick since kindergarten.’ Of course I punched him even if I still had no idea what he was talking about.”
“Christ.”
“Turns out my best friend had been caught in bed with a member of his team. A junior. His poppa got his shotgun and put a buckload of bullets in my friends head, right there in his son’s bedroom. He was dead before he hit the floor. Didn’t even have time to put his pants on.”
“Jesus!”
“The fucker only got a couple of years. They called it selfdefence, like he’d been attacking the guy. It was all lies. His son got shipped to military school. And I got the hell out of that place as soon as I could.”
They sat silent for a while and then Spike looked up, watching him. “You never knew.”
“No. No idea. And that hurts like hell, you know, that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”
“What would you have done if he had?”
Lindsey shook his head. “I don’t know. That’s the thing. Back then… I’d love to say I would have been cool about it but truth is I probably would have freaked out. I’d come around eventually, I think, but first reaction? I probably would have walked out on him, despite everything he was to me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“No. But the possibility made me hate myself. And knowing that he thought he couldn’t trust me… I decided I didn’t want to be that guy. I wanted to be the kind of man that he would have had no trouble turning to. Doesn’t matter to me if someone’s gay or straight, black or white, whatever. I judge people for who they are not what they are or who the fuck they sleep with.” He looked up at Spike. “I didn’t become friends with you because you’re gay but because you’re you. The gay thing doesn’t matter to me. Except it gives me an opportunity to learn more about what it’s like. Ok?”
Spike nodded slowly. “Ok.”
“Doesn’t mean I wanna talk about buttsex or sing I will survive or some shit like that though.” He gave a small smile. “Can’t really reach those high tones anyway.”
Spike smiled back. “You could always sing that Willie Nelson song.”
Lindsey chuckled. “Yeah well, I’ll think about it.”
They sat quiet for a while and then Spike reached out and laid his hand on Lindsey’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I overreacted. Earlier, I mean. I just hate it when people see me as weak or treat me like a bloody bint. I’m taller than you!”
“Standing on a chair maybe.” Lindsey grinned. “And I get it, man. I kept getting shit for being short. I’ve been in my share of fights. People are dicks. You just gotta show them you’re tough. By kicking their teeth in if you have to.”
“Yeah. I guess.” Spike shrugged. “Until now they’ve usually kicked my teeth in though.”
“Didn’t they train you at the Academy?”
“Yeah, but only the basics. It’s not like they were training us for SWAT or anything.”
“I could teach you. We could spar.” He grinned. “You’d like that, you horn dog. You and me, half-naked and sweaty, wrestling on the floor. There could be oiled involved…”
“Christ.” Spike groaned and shook his head. “I’m not a saint, you know. If you keep this up, one day I will lay one on you.”
“What? You gonna punch me?”
He locked his eyes with Lindsey’s. “Kiss you, you idiot. You keep taunting me and I might just kiss you.”
“Oh.” Lindsey frowned. “Really? I make you hot? This shit turns you on?”
“Yes.” Spike blushed. “You’re a good looking bloke, Linds. And I’m only human. I know you’re not gay but you’re still hot as hell and you might not realise it but you’re flirting like a two-dollar prostitute. All the time. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s also frustrating when I’m all hot and bothered and can’t do anything about it.”
“Huh.” Lindsey seemed honestly surprised. “You could always go to the bathroom and jerk off. You can think of me if you want to, I don’t mind.”
“Jesus! Don’t say stuff like that.”
“What? I’m being supportive and understanding.”
“You’re being a cocktease, that’s what,” Spike pouted. “It’s not bloody fair. You not being gay.”
“Tell you something,” Lindsey said, laying one hand on Spike’s thigh. “I’m not close minded. Get me drunk enough and I might go for it.”
“That’s the second time you’ve said that.” Spike tilted his head studying him. “Something you wanna tell me?”
“No.”
“Because I’m not going to get you drunk just so I can kiss you.”
“Man, I like being drunk,” Lindsey snorted and stood up, walking into the kitchen to grab them two more beers. Spike waited patiently until he was settled down, each with a cool bottle in their hand.
“That’s not the point. If you don’t want it sober I’m not gonna trick you into wanting it when you’re drunk.”
“Christ, you’re way too nice.” Lindsey smiled. “Ok, how about this? We go out, we both get drunk, I kiss you and you kiss a woman. That seems fair.”
“You’re such an idiot, you know that?” Spike snorted.
“No, see. I was watching Oprah…”
“You watch Oprah? Oh my God, you are gay.”
“Shut up. I was hung over. Oprah is great for hangovers. Anyway, I was watching Oprah and there was this chick talking about sexuality and how everyone is at least a little gay. Like, we have the gene but whether we use it or not depends on the circumstances. If we never meet anyone we’d like that way it never gets activated. But if we do…” He shrugged but he was slightly flushed and refused to meet Spike’s eyes.
Spike watched him quietly then reached out and brushed the hair out of Lindsey’s face. “Tell you what, if we do get drunk and you feel like kissing me just do it. Just promise me it won’t be weird the morning after.”
Lindsey’s lips twitched and then he looked up with a twinkle in his eye. “Unless I wake up with a condom hanging out of my ass I think we’ll be good.”
Continued here