Spirit, Open My Heart
To the joys and pain of living...
I cry a lot. I hadn't been, on the anti-depressant, but now I'm tearier (?) than ever. It's not crying for no reason, or crying for crying's sake, but anything that touches me in some small way, whether it's a commercial, or someone telling a story on the CBC, or someone doing something nice for someone else (like the random act of kindness column in the Star. That is definitely one helluva way to get me going). And positive OR negative things. It's not sobbing, or wailing (thank God), but so many tears I can't see, and I can get kind of snuffly.
I'm really only alarmed because it seems to be happening more often, and I'm not sure what to do when someone 'catches' me tearing up. I may just start to laugh it off and say that I cry at the drop of a hat. Or I can just gloss over it. Or just be honest and tell them what exactly touched me. I wonder what would get the most reaction?
I never used to cry. I think this now is an outpouring of all the non-crying I did as a young person/teenager, in smaller doses. And one day I will cry and cry and cry, and maybe it will dry up a little bit. Or not, and I just need to constantly have tissue by my side.
I want to share this with you because I also think I want to share what has been touching to me lately. There are a fair number of good things going on in my life, and I need to acknowledge those.
I cried after the latest cycle of crafting circle e-mails, because I am just so inspired and full of love for the women that have gathered together and are genuinely excited to keep crafting. I never thought I would have friends like this.
I cried this week (a lot) for a Ravelry friend who lost her baby/fetus at 30 weeks. This has been a particularly sensitive issue, since it was her first pregnancy, she's very active in the forum and there have been a couple of pregnancies this year on the forum with resulting live births, so I think everyone was looking forward to this one rounding the year out (she was due Dec. 15). She has been very open about her process, which is difficult too, but I think everyone was glad to know what exactly has been going on. They had to induce her, and discovered that there was a knot in the umbilical cord, which is very uncommon, but does happen. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing in the community, which makes me tear up too. The Aunties (that's what we're called) are shareholders in a farm located in Virginia and are a fabulous group of women that gather together whenever any kind of crisis or celebration is needed, and send cards, or donations, or food, or knitted goods. It's something I've always wanted to be a part of, just in life in general, and by some kind of magic I've found myself in the middle of them, organizing KALs and knitting up squares for a 'barn-raising' afghan. Definitely a mountain-top experience for me.
I cried this morning at the beauty of the story a woman told on the CBC about arriving in Toronto for Thanksgiving, not knowing what it was, and having the simplest of meals, no furniture in her apartment, just enjoying the beauty of the day. I cried at Sarah Silverman's YouTube video I posted on FB because it's just so true. I've cried a bit for the families of the gay teens that have committed suicide in the US in the last couple of weeks, and then wondered why people haven't been as affected by the murders of trans-people, which is also an epidemic. I usually cry during church hymns--those I have no real reason for, mostly I think because singing is something that is so very close to me that I don't touch on a regular basis (it has a lot of good and bad connotations). I cry at TV shows, movies, reading (especially the book I was reading this week, Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All), music lyrics if I can make them out, speeches, paintings, photos, stubbing my toe, e-mails from SJ, or anyone else for that matter, where they tell me something touching, or catch me by surprise with some luv'n. I also cry at the thought of particular friends I have lost and wonder where they are now (MC, this one's for you).
Crying is a very complex thing. I think I'm just getting to understand that it is complex, and have no idea about how to understand the complexities.
Thanks for letting me get this out.
I cry a lot. I hadn't been, on the anti-depressant, but now I'm tearier (?) than ever. It's not crying for no reason, or crying for crying's sake, but anything that touches me in some small way, whether it's a commercial, or someone telling a story on the CBC, or someone doing something nice for someone else (like the random act of kindness column in the Star. That is definitely one helluva way to get me going). And positive OR negative things. It's not sobbing, or wailing (thank God), but so many tears I can't see, and I can get kind of snuffly.
I'm really only alarmed because it seems to be happening more often, and I'm not sure what to do when someone 'catches' me tearing up. I may just start to laugh it off and say that I cry at the drop of a hat. Or I can just gloss over it. Or just be honest and tell them what exactly touched me. I wonder what would get the most reaction?
I never used to cry. I think this now is an outpouring of all the non-crying I did as a young person/teenager, in smaller doses. And one day I will cry and cry and cry, and maybe it will dry up a little bit. Or not, and I just need to constantly have tissue by my side.
I want to share this with you because I also think I want to share what has been touching to me lately. There are a fair number of good things going on in my life, and I need to acknowledge those.
I cried after the latest cycle of crafting circle e-mails, because I am just so inspired and full of love for the women that have gathered together and are genuinely excited to keep crafting. I never thought I would have friends like this.
I cried this week (a lot) for a Ravelry friend who lost her baby/fetus at 30 weeks. This has been a particularly sensitive issue, since it was her first pregnancy, she's very active in the forum and there have been a couple of pregnancies this year on the forum with resulting live births, so I think everyone was looking forward to this one rounding the year out (she was due Dec. 15). She has been very open about her process, which is difficult too, but I think everyone was glad to know what exactly has been going on. They had to induce her, and discovered that there was a knot in the umbilical cord, which is very uncommon, but does happen. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing in the community, which makes me tear up too. The Aunties (that's what we're called) are shareholders in a farm located in Virginia and are a fabulous group of women that gather together whenever any kind of crisis or celebration is needed, and send cards, or donations, or food, or knitted goods. It's something I've always wanted to be a part of, just in life in general, and by some kind of magic I've found myself in the middle of them, organizing KALs and knitting up squares for a 'barn-raising' afghan. Definitely a mountain-top experience for me.
I cried this morning at the beauty of the story a woman told on the CBC about arriving in Toronto for Thanksgiving, not knowing what it was, and having the simplest of meals, no furniture in her apartment, just enjoying the beauty of the day. I cried at Sarah Silverman's YouTube video I posted on FB because it's just so true. I've cried a bit for the families of the gay teens that have committed suicide in the US in the last couple of weeks, and then wondered why people haven't been as affected by the murders of trans-people, which is also an epidemic. I usually cry during church hymns--those I have no real reason for, mostly I think because singing is something that is so very close to me that I don't touch on a regular basis (it has a lot of good and bad connotations). I cry at TV shows, movies, reading (especially the book I was reading this week, Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All), music lyrics if I can make them out, speeches, paintings, photos, stubbing my toe, e-mails from SJ, or anyone else for that matter, where they tell me something touching, or catch me by surprise with some luv'n. I also cry at the thought of particular friends I have lost and wonder where they are now (MC, this one's for you).
Crying is a very complex thing. I think I'm just getting to understand that it is complex, and have no idea about how to understand the complexities.
Thanks for letting me get this out.