Part of Femslashland Big Bang-Fic-"Letters to Lao Ma"-Xena/Lao Ma
Title: Letters to Lao Ma
Fandom: Xena: Warrior Princess
Pairing: Xena/Lao Ma
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After Xena and Borias are banished from the house of Lao Xena corresponds with Lao Ma and tries to explain herself.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Xena: Warrior Princess.
A/N: I wrote this as part of Femslashland’s Big Bang. Word count: 1,412
*****
Dear Lao Ma,
I wish I had gotten a chance to tell you how sorry I was about how things ended between us.
I got so caught up in my hatred and feelings of revenge toward MingTzu that I failed to think of you and your love for your son.
I lie awake at night, unable to sleep because my shame is so great.
You saved my life in so many ways. Not only my body, but my heart and my soul as well. You tried to teach me the secrets of the universe and to be a force for good and light in the world.
And I repaid that extraordinary kindness and trust by destroying any hope of a peaceful alliance and almost killing your son.
I can only say that there is a lot about me I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to change.
I was hurt when my brother Lyceius died. Then I was betrayed by a man I thought was my love. I might have even forgiven him had he not killed a friend of mine, someone a lot like you. Someone who also saved my life, someone I also loved. She died trying to save me, and something inside me died as well. The good, decent part. The part you said you saw in me.
A force for light and good.
I bet you’re laughing at that one now. Laughing at how wrong you were.
Or maybe you’re crying for the lost soul you couldn’t save after all.
When I’m in a yearning, melancholy mood I pretend you are crying because you lost me.
In any case, my heart hardened again when you banished us, and Borias and I have returned to our war mongering ways. Pillaging and destroying, taking what we want.
It doesn’t feel the same, though.
Sometimes I’ll hear a sound on the wind and I swear you’re calling me. Or, I’ll be in a fog and blink a few times because I think I see you standing on the other side of it, holding out your hand to me.
I often relive the moments when you’d bathe me, brush my hair or soothe me with your touch. I think of the night you healed my legs and we danced and held each other, suspended in both air and time.
I try and practice some of the things you taught me. It’s hard for me to still my mind, though, without you being here to still me with your touch.
I’m sure you feel nothing but hatred for me now, but I hope that your hatred doesn’t keep you from reading this letter and knowing how sorry I am.
And how much I really do love you…
Xena
******
Dear Lao Ma,
I’m not holding out much hope of you answering me, since you never answered my previous letter, but I wanted to try anyway.
When I wrote to you I didn’t know I was going to have a child, but yes, it’s true! I’m going to be a mother.
It’s scary to me- to think of having a child in the middle of this chaos Borias and I call a life, but at the same time I can’t help feel some excitement, and much to my surprise, protective, loving feelings.
At first being pregnant was nothing more than a nuisance for me. The sickness I’d feel in the morning which would sometimes last all day was horrible, the strange cravings I’d get for odd food combinations that would send Borias scurrying into the night to attend to were funny but hard to take at times.
I thought it would be hard to lead battles while with child, but it’s been surprisingly easy now that I’ve gotten used to doing most of my fighting on my horse.
I wonder if my son or daughter will be a warrior like Borias and I.
When I say these things to him he gets this sad, faraway look in his eyes and says he hopes not.
Borias says we are not warriors. We are War Lords, war mongerers, pillagers, etc
I don’t really see the difference, but Borias has become very introspective during my time with child, and he seems to be getting more critical of the two of us than he’d been before.
I fear he’s getting soft and it could get him killed.
I so wish you were here and could counsel me. You are a mother, and you truly love your son. I hope he appreciates you.
I received word that you took over Ming’s dynasty, and that you are running the house of Ming as well as the house of Lao now.
I can picture you, eyes bowed, smiling the self effacing, mischievous smile you always wore, taking over the kingdom without one drop of bloodshed.
You are an amazing woman, and I have no doubt you will do wonders in your kingdom.
I only wish I could be there and share it with you.
Please, if you could meditate and send some of your energy my way so that I might have an easy (and fast) birth, I would be grateful.
Also, if you could send Borias some energy and light I would appreciate it.
Perhaps if you don’t want to speak to me you could speak to Borias directly.
I truly worry for his safety.
He and I have a stormy relationship, and it’s not love -but he is at heart a good man, and I fear that might be his downfall.
I’ve come to realize over these months that the only person who truly loved me for who I am and saw more in me -was you.
You were the light in my darkness, and you probably will always be the only light.
I can’t imagine anyone else taking the time to see beneath the surface like you did.
I love and miss you, Lao Ma,
Xena
***
Dear Lao Ma,
I have very sad news.
I gave birth to my son, a beautiful, sweet, serene baby at the same time Borias lost his life in a battle.
He did at least get a chance to see his son before he died, but it was only for a brief moment. He didn’t want us to raise the baby (Solan is his name) but I wanted to.
In the end, however, I realized he was right. Living with us he would see things a child should not see, and learn things a child should not learn.
So now I’m without Borias or my son.
I’m living the life I had before I lost them both, but it’s not the same.
It’s an empty, lonely shell of an existence.
I lose myself in drink, in lovers, in battle, but none of those things give me the pleasure they once did.
I wish you would let me return to Chin, even for a little while.
I miss you so much.
Lao Ma, if I could make time reverse to the moment before I came up with that stupid idea to bet body parts in a game, I would. Although I must admit I don’t feel remorse over killing MingTsu I do feel remorse over hurting you.
I’d give anything to change that.
Lao Ma, if you do receive this letter, please answer me. If you want me to stop and never correspond with you again I will. It will be hard, because even though you have yet to answer a letter I’ve sent, sometimes I feel you’re sending me messages while I sleep.
I dream of you, when I CAN sleep. I have dreams of you holding out your arms to me, taking me in them, holding me close. In my dreams you wipe away my tears and caress me, and somehow when I wake up I have the strength to get through another day.
I hope you can soften your heart toward me, and let me in, even if it’s just a little bit, for just a moment.
Love,
Xena
****
Dear Lao Ma,
I got your message. It was both simple and simply beautiful.
I never thought reading a two lined letter would have such an effect on me.
I have the words etched in my heart, and I hear your voice saying them. I hear it with every step my horse takes back to you::
Xena,
I forgive you and never stopped loving you.
Now, come home..