Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 1, The Dark Lord Ascending
So it begins. By which I mean both the book and the uberwank.
Right then. Chapter one. Following a multifaceted dedication and a couple of jokes about death that I simply don't get, we open on Severus Snape meeting a Death Eater called Yaxley as they both head for the Malfoys' place. They exchange greetings and, at the gate, throw a Nazi salute or something, which seems to let them walk right through said gate. Yaxley takes the piss out of Lucius' thing for peacocks (the bird, rather than the low-price clothing store), they enter the house, and Voldemort scolds them for their tardiness.
Right away the Death Eaters get down to business. Since there's a war on, they eschew the traditional Death Eater party fare of ham and melon followed by coq au vin followed by Vienetta, instead going for "nibbles", including wine from a box and bits of pineapple and cheese on sticks, displayed on a foil-covered potato. This isn't true, but it adds colour, I think, especially as this is really just a recap so far, which isn't very interesting. They all argue for a bit about when Harry Potter will be moved from Privet Drive. I'll be honest here - I don't really get what's going on with this. The Order change the day Harry is moving, thinking the Death Eaters don't know it's changed; the Death Eaters do know, because Snape told them; Snape, in fact, arranged for the day to change; Snape told the Death Eaters, even though he turns out to be on the good side... I'm totally confused. I think in that Snape flashback chapter later we hear Dumbledore basically saying, "Hmm, yes, the butterfly will need to flap its wings at exactly 6.17 pm in order to create the hurricane that will knock the Dark Lord off his broom", which is all a bit overcomplicated really. Is this just a case of the book needing to begin with a badass shoot-out? Really, if you can shed any light on this, please do let me know.
Right after this, Voldemort spends some time filling us in on what's been going on since the end of the last book. He also throws in a few bitchy comments about Harry's n00bishness, and makes the (actually very good) point that Harry's survival to this point is more to do with Voldemort's own n00b-ups than because Harry is in any way 1337. The conversation is briefly interrupted by a screamy noise from the basement; Voldemort turns up the Demis Roussos LP slightly and asks Wormtail, who is lurking on the sidelines, refilling people's drinks and handing round little dishes of crisps, to go feed the tentacle-headed slave girl to the rancor (or something like that, my attention is waning already).
As Voldemort was saying, or was about to say anyway, he needs a new lightsaber wand. In an extended sequence of dick gags and innuendos, he makes Lucius Malfoy hand over his. It's like something out of a Carry On film: "Ooh, Lucius, that's a big one! Not as big as mine, though! Ooh-er!" etc. Lucius, after a while, gets kind of pissed at being told he has a small willy.
For the record, this is the first of a great many dick joke sequences in this book.
Voldemort will just not let up with the knob gags, so Bellatrix Lestrange - for it is she - engages in some tactical brown-nosing just to get him to STFU. The Death Eaters then spend a bit of time taking the piss out of Bellatrix's niece, who is of course the lovely Tonks, for marrying a gay werewolf, which is totally n00b of them. Bellatrix calls Tonks a brat (which is fair enough, actually), and repeatedly disowns her, but the namecalling continues. It seems to be for the benefit of Bellatrix and the Malfoys (which I think is a rather good name for a band - perhaps an electro-industrial ensemble?) rather than aimed at Tonks herself, though, which is good, since I doubt Tonks would give a shit about what they're saying even if she could hear them. The teasing is not of the highest quality: they might as well be saying, "And my dad could beat up her dad too!" or, "Oooooooh! Tonks has got a boyfriend! That's gross!" Anyway, extreme hilarity reigns for a few moments, and then Voldemort starts playing silly buggers again, as he is no longer the centre of attention.
God, he's such a n00b.
He draws attention to the woman who has been floating over the table this whole time. She is one Charity Burbage, who until recently taught muggle studies at Hogwarts. She seems OK, I guess; we don't get a chance to really meet her, though. As she cries and begs Snape to help her out, Voldemort flames her and says that she sucks and stuff and then kills her. Then he feeds her to his pet snake, which is like something out of a cartoon.
I feel bad for Charity's family or whatever, but considering we just met her, I can't help but feel this is a bit of a "many Bothans died" moment - an orchestral swell and a sorrowful look cannot hide the fact that a) totally out of left-field and b) bothered? There will be a number of these in this book, and this is the very first, so let's mark it properly!
End scene. An OK chapter, and I like it when the POV shifts away from Harry's, so it's good in that regard. Also, it's nice to begin with real stuff going on, rather than just Harry sitting around reading or something. Of course, that's what happens in the next chapter, but it's still good to start with a punch, I think. Voldemort and the rest of the death eaters are unbelievably cartoonish in places, but that's what makes them fun.
More coming soon.
All chapters | Next chapter
Right then. Chapter one. Following a multifaceted dedication and a couple of jokes about death that I simply don't get, we open on Severus Snape meeting a Death Eater called Yaxley as they both head for the Malfoys' place. They exchange greetings and, at the gate, throw a Nazi salute or something, which seems to let them walk right through said gate. Yaxley takes the piss out of Lucius' thing for peacocks (the bird, rather than the low-price clothing store), they enter the house, and Voldemort scolds them for their tardiness.
Right away the Death Eaters get down to business. Since there's a war on, they eschew the traditional Death Eater party fare of ham and melon followed by coq au vin followed by Vienetta, instead going for "nibbles", including wine from a box and bits of pineapple and cheese on sticks, displayed on a foil-covered potato. This isn't true, but it adds colour, I think, especially as this is really just a recap so far, which isn't very interesting. They all argue for a bit about when Harry Potter will be moved from Privet Drive. I'll be honest here - I don't really get what's going on with this. The Order change the day Harry is moving, thinking the Death Eaters don't know it's changed; the Death Eaters do know, because Snape told them; Snape, in fact, arranged for the day to change; Snape told the Death Eaters, even though he turns out to be on the good side... I'm totally confused. I think in that Snape flashback chapter later we hear Dumbledore basically saying, "Hmm, yes, the butterfly will need to flap its wings at exactly 6.17 pm in order to create the hurricane that will knock the Dark Lord off his broom", which is all a bit overcomplicated really. Is this just a case of the book needing to begin with a badass shoot-out? Really, if you can shed any light on this, please do let me know.
Right after this, Voldemort spends some time filling us in on what's been going on since the end of the last book. He also throws in a few bitchy comments about Harry's n00bishness, and makes the (actually very good) point that Harry's survival to this point is more to do with Voldemort's own n00b-ups than because Harry is in any way 1337. The conversation is briefly interrupted by a screamy noise from the basement; Voldemort turns up the Demis Roussos LP slightly and asks Wormtail, who is lurking on the sidelines, refilling people's drinks and handing round little dishes of crisps, to go feed the tentacle-headed slave girl to the rancor (or something like that, my attention is waning already).
As Voldemort was saying, or was about to say anyway, he needs a new lightsaber wand. In an extended sequence of dick gags and innuendos, he makes Lucius Malfoy hand over his. It's like something out of a Carry On film: "Ooh, Lucius, that's a big one! Not as big as mine, though! Ooh-er!" etc. Lucius, after a while, gets kind of pissed at being told he has a small willy.
For the record, this is the first of a great many dick joke sequences in this book.
Voldemort will just not let up with the knob gags, so Bellatrix Lestrange - for it is she - engages in some tactical brown-nosing just to get him to STFU. The Death Eaters then spend a bit of time taking the piss out of Bellatrix's niece, who is of course the lovely Tonks, for marrying a gay werewolf, which is totally n00b of them. Bellatrix calls Tonks a brat (which is fair enough, actually), and repeatedly disowns her, but the namecalling continues. It seems to be for the benefit of Bellatrix and the Malfoys (which I think is a rather good name for a band - perhaps an electro-industrial ensemble?) rather than aimed at Tonks herself, though, which is good, since I doubt Tonks would give a shit about what they're saying even if she could hear them. The teasing is not of the highest quality: they might as well be saying, "And my dad could beat up her dad too!" or, "Oooooooh! Tonks has got a boyfriend! That's gross!" Anyway, extreme hilarity reigns for a few moments, and then Voldemort starts playing silly buggers again, as he is no longer the centre of attention.
God, he's such a n00b.
He draws attention to the woman who has been floating over the table this whole time. She is one Charity Burbage, who until recently taught muggle studies at Hogwarts. She seems OK, I guess; we don't get a chance to really meet her, though. As she cries and begs Snape to help her out, Voldemort flames her and says that she sucks and stuff and then kills her. Then he feeds her to his pet snake, which is like something out of a cartoon.
I feel bad for Charity's family or whatever, but considering we just met her, I can't help but feel this is a bit of a "many Bothans died" moment - an orchestral swell and a sorrowful look cannot hide the fact that a) totally out of left-field and b) bothered? There will be a number of these in this book, and this is the very first, so let's mark it properly!
Click to viewEnd scene. An OK chapter, and I like it when the POV shifts away from Harry's, so it's good in that regard. Also, it's nice to begin with real stuff going on, rather than just Harry sitting around reading or something. Of course, that's what happens in the next chapter, but it's still good to start with a punch, I think. Voldemort and the rest of the death eaters are unbelievably cartoonish in places, but that's what makes them fun.
More coming soon.
All chapters | Next chapter