Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 32, The Elder Wand
This one isn't a rickroll.
THE EMPEROR: Rise, my friend.
DARTH VADER: The Death Star will be completed on schedule.
THE EMPEROR: You've done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young Skywalker.
DARTH VADER: Yes, my Master.
THE EMPEROR: Patience, my friend. In time, he will seek you out, and when he does, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the Dark Side of the Force.
DARTH VADER: As you wish.
THE EMPEROR: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Chapter opens and Harry is angsting out over Fred's death. There's no way Fred can be dead! Think of all those times he hilariously released sarin gas in a crowded place and he was fine! But no - Fred Weasley is not, in fact, immune to falling stone, and he is, in fact, dead. JKR goes overboard telling us how upset we ought to be, throwing in stuff about how Harry can't believe the world still turns when Fred has ceased to be. Look, just fuck off, Rowling. If you wanted me to give a shit that Fred just died, then you should have spent the previous seven books giving him depth of character, making him sympathetic, making the rest of his family sympathetic, making him remotely likeable instead of a thug - not to mention giving him and his twin brother distinct personalities. Honestly, all I can think is, "Well, at least they've still got the other one".
True story: my Dad once saw one of the Chuckle Brothers shopping in Sainsbury's. Best celebrity spot ever, y/y?
The angst session is interrupted when "a monstrous spider the size of a small car" (I like how it's a small car - because presumably a spider the size of a Bentley would just be ridiculous. Seriously, I really do like it, that wasn't sarcasm) climbs in through the hole in the side of the castle. They dispatch it but discover there are more on their way; they put Fred in an alcove with his hand in his pants ("it's how he would have wanted it"). Following this, Percy lets out a "Leeroy Jenkins-like roar" and runs off to pop a cap in Rookwood's ass; meanwhile, Hermione soothes the fiery anger of her compatriots by pointing out they need to go get the snake, rather than perform drive-bys, satisfying as that would be. Ron looks angry and sad, and our privileged view of Harry's thoughts confirms that he, too, is angry and sad. He wants to punish whoever killed Fred, find the other Weasleys, oh and check Ginny is OK, which comes across as an afterthought even if JKR throws in something like "most importantly of all". (Soulmates!)
To find out where Voldemort is, then, Harry switches to Voldevision. He could never do it at will before, but now he can, because it's convenient um... he just can.
Voldemort is in the Shrieking Shack and is wangsting. Lucius Malfoy is there, wangsting also, although in his case it is slightly more acceptable as he is worried about where Draco is. Voldemort makes it clear to Lucius that he couldn't give a shit, but suggests that maybe Draco has befriended Harry Potter? Lucius emphatically denies that this could ever have happened, and a thousand plotbunnies for "Oh noes my father can never find out" H/D fics are born. Voldemort tells Lucius to GTFO and bring him Snape who is way cooler than he is and stuff like that. Lucius shuffles out. Oh, also, Voldemort says he isn't fighting because he knows Harry will come to find him.
Harry pushes the A button to return to normal gameplay, and summarises this. The trio then squabble over who should go and kill the snake, eventually deciding that they should all go, because they are codependent like that. They cover themselves in the cloaking device, which manages to more or less conceal three adults as well as it ever concealed three children, because, as I have previously discussed, it is a Sue.
As our intrepid trio make their way through the castle, they encounter a variety of characters that featured in previous books. First, they see McGonagall, who is leading a herd of magically animated desks into battle. Next they run into Dean and Parvati, who are duelling a couple of death eaters; that tedious wankstain, Peeves, soon shows up and "helps" by dropping snargaluffs (whatever they are) all over the place. The snargaluffs goatse themselves over the death eaters' heads, but also land on the cloak, which is annoying. Luckily nobody cares. Our trio continue on their way, next running into Draco, who is about to get pwnt by some random death eater; they take out the death eater, but then Ron punches Draco in the face from under the cloak, and calls him a "two-faced bastard". Regardless of my H/D predilection, I find this moment supremely satisfying and I find it does, to an extent at least, bring the lulz.
Next to be ticked off the "still alive and making an appearance in this scene" list are Flitwick, Kingsley and Neville; then, as they head down into the main entrance hall, Fenrir Greyback dashes across the room towards Lavender Brown's unconscious form, popping open a carton of sugar-free Ribena as he goes in readiness for the delicious meal that awaits. Our intrepid trio stun him off course and that annoying tit Professor Trelawney takes him out by throwing crystal balls at his head. This isn't a battle, it's an issue of the Beano, FFS.
Right after this, the main doors burst open and a ton of those giant spiders attack. There is a brief moment where death eaters and non-death eaters alike are united in completely crapping themselves in terror - all, that is, except Hagrid, who runs into their midst yelling about how nobody is allowed to hurt them. The spiders carry him off in the direction of the forest, but - as we will discover in chapter 34 - don't kill and eat him, even though there is no reason they shouldn't. Stupid spiders.
Tangent, based on the combat style and weaponry of the "Hogwartians" (JKR's word - an interesting choice, one which I guess is meant to echo words like "Etonian", but it's still kind of an annoying word) vs the death eaters: how the "Hogwartians" don't get completely and utterly pwnt is beyond me, when the DEs have giants and massive spiders and all sorts of other scary stuff on their side, and all the good guys have are moving tables and cartoon plants and all manner of other wacky crap. It occurs to me also that the only reason the good guys win is Harry's eventual defeat of Voldemort, which effectively ends the war sort of by default. Just as well, really.
Uh, yeah, so Harry is so concerned about Hagrid that he flings off the cloak and just runs after the spiders; his progress is immediately impeded when he is almost crushed under the foot of a giant. Grawp shows up and hits the other giant, and they start pummelling each other with fists, like some kind of grotesquely scaled-up wrestling toy, or something like that. (There's a specific toy I'm thinking of and I cannot for the life of me remember what it's called.) Our intrepid trio use this as an opportunity to run. However, their progress is halted once more with the arrival of a whole bunch of dementors. These last few chapters are so much like the end levels of a lot of video games - enemies the hero has faced in the past showing up again, only stronger and more of them, and from all different levels at once. Luckily, by this point, Harry's travelling party has many members, and three of them - Luna, Seamus and Ernie - dispatch the dementors with a well-placed radioactive petting zoo. Moving on, the Crew are almost squashed by another giant, before finally making it to the whomping willow.
Ron spins out immediately, panicking because he can't think of a way to stop the branches moving, but Hermione pwns him with a nice bit of continuity, referencing something he said to her all the way back in book one, which is pretty cool. Ron uses wingardium bloody leviosa - also from book one - to great effect. So clearly this is the section of this level that is just like level one. Or something.
They are about to head down the tunnel when Harry has an Admiral Ackbar moment:
... before realising that yeah, it probably is a trap, but fuck it, they have to go get the snake anyway. So the three of them squeeze themselves into the tunnel. It's described as being so low-ceilinged that they have no choice but to crawl through, and it's strongly implied that the last time they came this way (PoA - so we're now in the bit that resembles level three) they had to stoop. Fine, but that time, didn't Snape get pretty much levitated along the tunnel - sort of hanging in the air like a puppet? And his head was scraping the ceiling, but even with that, there's no way this is the same tunnel. Except apparently it is, so let's just move on. After much crawling, our heroes find themselves waiting just underneath the opening that leads into what I guess is the living room to the shack, where, above, Voldemort alternately wangsts and fronts. Obviously, simply describing them sitting in a tunnel would be boring, so Harry rather conveniently switches into Voldevision once more.
Snape is there too, and seems to be hinting that he wants to join the battle; I rather like this, because as we will soon find out, Dumbledore told Snape to find Harry and fill him in (as it were) once Voldemort got worried about the snake, and that's now. Throughout this whole sequence, Snape keeps saying he wants to "find the boy" and so on; we're supposed to think it's because Snape really really hates Harry and wants to serve Voldemort and so on, but he is clearly nervous and I like that. I also like that Voldemort doesn't notice the nervousness, because he's so wrapped up in his own stuff.
So, punctuated here and there by Snape's "Let me find the boy, my lord"s, Voldemort gets to monologuing. He goes on about how Potter will totally come and find him, and then moves on to talking about wandlore, which is his hobby this year. (Last year he was really into Legos and the year before, Warhammer. He also got really into Heroes for a while before the series ended and Torchwood came back on TV - oh, no, wait, that was me.) He gabbles on about the elder wand, which he also refers to as the "deathstick" - which is handy for me, because back in chapter 21 when Xenophilius told us about it I forgot to put in this bit from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
... Look, I never said it was relevant.
So, yeah, Voldemort has the deathstick, but it doesn't work properly, and he theorises that this is because Snape killed its last master - Dumbledore - and so as far as Voldemort is concerned, he must kill Snape. I don't really get how he hadn't figured this out before now, except that Snape needs to be killed in the vicinity of Harry and at this point in the story. Voldemort, then, sets Nagini on Snape. It bites him in the neck and he bleeds all over the place. Voldemort and his snake GTFO.
Harry throws off his cloaking device and runs to Snape's side. Snape leaks a bunch of memories, which Harry collects in some kind of thermos flask that Hermione just happens to have handy, I guess because she is a nerd, although luckily she has already emptied it of weak lemon squash. Then, finally, Snape makes a big deal out of gazing into Harry's eyes, and kicks the bucket.
The appropriate Star Wars clip fits so well here it feels a bit like cheating.
"Let me look at you with my own eyes", indeed.
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THE EMPEROR: Rise, my friend.
DARTH VADER: The Death Star will be completed on schedule.
THE EMPEROR: You've done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young Skywalker.
DARTH VADER: Yes, my Master.
THE EMPEROR: Patience, my friend. In time, he will seek you out, and when he does, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the Dark Side of the Force.
DARTH VADER: As you wish.
THE EMPEROR: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Chapter opens and Harry is angsting out over Fred's death. There's no way Fred can be dead! Think of all those times he hilariously released sarin gas in a crowded place and he was fine! But no - Fred Weasley is not, in fact, immune to falling stone, and he is, in fact, dead. JKR goes overboard telling us how upset we ought to be, throwing in stuff about how Harry can't believe the world still turns when Fred has ceased to be. Look, just fuck off, Rowling. If you wanted me to give a shit that Fred just died, then you should have spent the previous seven books giving him depth of character, making him sympathetic, making the rest of his family sympathetic, making him remotely likeable instead of a thug - not to mention giving him and his twin brother distinct personalities. Honestly, all I can think is, "Well, at least they've still got the other one".
True story: my Dad once saw one of the Chuckle Brothers shopping in Sainsbury's. Best celebrity spot ever, y/y?
The angst session is interrupted when "a monstrous spider the size of a small car" (I like how it's a small car - because presumably a spider the size of a Bentley would just be ridiculous. Seriously, I really do like it, that wasn't sarcasm) climbs in through the hole in the side of the castle. They dispatch it but discover there are more on their way; they put Fred in an alcove with his hand in his pants ("it's how he would have wanted it"). Following this, Percy lets out a "Leeroy Jenkins-like roar" and runs off to pop a cap in Rookwood's ass; meanwhile, Hermione soothes the fiery anger of her compatriots by pointing out they need to go get the snake, rather than perform drive-bys, satisfying as that would be. Ron looks angry and sad, and our privileged view of Harry's thoughts confirms that he, too, is angry and sad. He wants to punish whoever killed Fred, find the other Weasleys, oh and check Ginny is OK, which comes across as an afterthought even if JKR throws in something like "most importantly of all". (Soulmates!)
To find out where Voldemort is, then, Harry switches to Voldevision. He could never do it at will before, but now he can, because it's convenient um... he just can.
Voldemort is in the Shrieking Shack and is wangsting. Lucius Malfoy is there, wangsting also, although in his case it is slightly more acceptable as he is worried about where Draco is. Voldemort makes it clear to Lucius that he couldn't give a shit, but suggests that maybe Draco has befriended Harry Potter? Lucius emphatically denies that this could ever have happened, and a thousand plotbunnies for "Oh noes my father can never find out" H/D fics are born. Voldemort tells Lucius to GTFO and bring him Snape who is way cooler than he is and stuff like that. Lucius shuffles out. Oh, also, Voldemort says he isn't fighting because he knows Harry will come to find him.
Harry pushes the A button to return to normal gameplay, and summarises this. The trio then squabble over who should go and kill the snake, eventually deciding that they should all go, because they are codependent like that. They cover themselves in the cloaking device, which manages to more or less conceal three adults as well as it ever concealed three children, because, as I have previously discussed, it is a Sue.
As our intrepid trio make their way through the castle, they encounter a variety of characters that featured in previous books. First, they see McGonagall, who is leading a herd of magically animated desks into battle. Next they run into Dean and Parvati, who are duelling a couple of death eaters; that tedious wankstain, Peeves, soon shows up and "helps" by dropping snargaluffs (whatever they are) all over the place. The snargaluffs goatse themselves over the death eaters' heads, but also land on the cloak, which is annoying. Luckily nobody cares. Our trio continue on their way, next running into Draco, who is about to get pwnt by some random death eater; they take out the death eater, but then Ron punches Draco in the face from under the cloak, and calls him a "two-faced bastard". Regardless of my H/D predilection, I find this moment supremely satisfying and I find it does, to an extent at least, bring the lulz.
Next to be ticked off the "still alive and making an appearance in this scene" list are Flitwick, Kingsley and Neville; then, as they head down into the main entrance hall, Fenrir Greyback dashes across the room towards Lavender Brown's unconscious form, popping open a carton of sugar-free Ribena as he goes in readiness for the delicious meal that awaits. Our intrepid trio stun him off course and that annoying tit Professor Trelawney takes him out by throwing crystal balls at his head. This isn't a battle, it's an issue of the Beano, FFS.
Right after this, the main doors burst open and a ton of those giant spiders attack. There is a brief moment where death eaters and non-death eaters alike are united in completely crapping themselves in terror - all, that is, except Hagrid, who runs into their midst yelling about how nobody is allowed to hurt them. The spiders carry him off in the direction of the forest, but - as we will discover in chapter 34 - don't kill and eat him, even though there is no reason they shouldn't. Stupid spiders.
Tangent, based on the combat style and weaponry of the "Hogwartians" (JKR's word - an interesting choice, one which I guess is meant to echo words like "Etonian", but it's still kind of an annoying word) vs the death eaters: how the "Hogwartians" don't get completely and utterly pwnt is beyond me, when the DEs have giants and massive spiders and all sorts of other scary stuff on their side, and all the good guys have are moving tables and cartoon plants and all manner of other wacky crap. It occurs to me also that the only reason the good guys win is Harry's eventual defeat of Voldemort, which effectively ends the war sort of by default. Just as well, really.
Uh, yeah, so Harry is so concerned about Hagrid that he flings off the cloak and just runs after the spiders; his progress is immediately impeded when he is almost crushed under the foot of a giant. Grawp shows up and hits the other giant, and they start pummelling each other with fists, like some kind of grotesquely scaled-up wrestling toy, or something like that. (There's a specific toy I'm thinking of and I cannot for the life of me remember what it's called.) Our intrepid trio use this as an opportunity to run. However, their progress is halted once more with the arrival of a whole bunch of dementors. These last few chapters are so much like the end levels of a lot of video games - enemies the hero has faced in the past showing up again, only stronger and more of them, and from all different levels at once. Luckily, by this point, Harry's travelling party has many members, and three of them - Luna, Seamus and Ernie - dispatch the dementors with a well-placed radioactive petting zoo. Moving on, the Crew are almost squashed by another giant, before finally making it to the whomping willow.
Ron spins out immediately, panicking because he can't think of a way to stop the branches moving, but Hermione pwns him with a nice bit of continuity, referencing something he said to her all the way back in book one, which is pretty cool. Ron uses wingardium bloody leviosa - also from book one - to great effect. So clearly this is the section of this level that is just like level one. Or something.
They are about to head down the tunnel when Harry has an Admiral Ackbar moment:
... before realising that yeah, it probably is a trap, but fuck it, they have to go get the snake anyway. So the three of them squeeze themselves into the tunnel. It's described as being so low-ceilinged that they have no choice but to crawl through, and it's strongly implied that the last time they came this way (PoA - so we're now in the bit that resembles level three) they had to stoop. Fine, but that time, didn't Snape get pretty much levitated along the tunnel - sort of hanging in the air like a puppet? And his head was scraping the ceiling, but even with that, there's no way this is the same tunnel. Except apparently it is, so let's just move on. After much crawling, our heroes find themselves waiting just underneath the opening that leads into what I guess is the living room to the shack, where, above, Voldemort alternately wangsts and fronts. Obviously, simply describing them sitting in a tunnel would be boring, so Harry rather conveniently switches into Voldevision once more.
Snape is there too, and seems to be hinting that he wants to join the battle; I rather like this, because as we will soon find out, Dumbledore told Snape to find Harry and fill him in (as it were) once Voldemort got worried about the snake, and that's now. Throughout this whole sequence, Snape keeps saying he wants to "find the boy" and so on; we're supposed to think it's because Snape really really hates Harry and wants to serve Voldemort and so on, but he is clearly nervous and I like that. I also like that Voldemort doesn't notice the nervousness, because he's so wrapped up in his own stuff.
So, punctuated here and there by Snape's "Let me find the boy, my lord"s, Voldemort gets to monologuing. He goes on about how Potter will totally come and find him, and then moves on to talking about wandlore, which is his hobby this year. (Last year he was really into Legos and the year before, Warhammer. He also got really into Heroes for a while before the series ended and Torchwood came back on TV - oh, no, wait, that was me.) He gabbles on about the elder wand, which he also refers to as the "deathstick" - which is handy for me, because back in chapter 21 when Xenophilius told us about it I forgot to put in this bit from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
Click to view... Look, I never said it was relevant.
So, yeah, Voldemort has the deathstick, but it doesn't work properly, and he theorises that this is because Snape killed its last master - Dumbledore - and so as far as Voldemort is concerned, he must kill Snape. I don't really get how he hadn't figured this out before now, except that Snape needs to be killed in the vicinity of Harry and at this point in the story. Voldemort, then, sets Nagini on Snape. It bites him in the neck and he bleeds all over the place. Voldemort and his snake GTFO.
Harry throws off his cloaking device and runs to Snape's side. Snape leaks a bunch of memories, which Harry collects in some kind of thermos flask that Hermione just happens to have handy, I guess because she is a nerd, although luckily she has already emptied it of weak lemon squash. Then, finally, Snape makes a big deal out of gazing into Harry's eyes, and kicks the bucket.
The appropriate Star Wars clip fits so well here it feels a bit like cheating.
"Let me look at you with my own eyes", indeed.
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