The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart
Title: The Misadventures of Gilderoy Lockhart
Genre: General, Dark Humor
Characters: Gilderoy Lockhart, Sive Wilde, Helmut Rance, Gwyneth Tanner
Rating: PG-13 (for language and violent themes)
Word Count: 1,407 words
Summary: Glory is stolen by the dashing young man.
Author's Notes: Written for hecticity on lumos_create
The villagers of Fairbairn avoided Sive Wilde at all costs. Fairbairn was a small community where everybody knew everybody. Twenty-seven years ago, Sive Wilde had appeared in Fairbairn from practically out of nowhere. She claimed that she lived in the tidy little cottage on the outskirts of town. Sure enough, when townsfolk went to investigate, there was a quaint house where only a patch of grass and a fox hole used to be. The same day, the villagers of Fairbairn labelled Sive an oddity and decided to keep away from her.
Sive Wilde was, in fact, an oddity. Truth be told, Sive was a witch - and an excellent one in fact. She graduated from one of the best schools in the country, the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was while she was attending Hogwarts that Sive fell in love with her future fiancé. Nine years after they left Hogwarts, Sive and her fiancé decided to marry. Two months before the wedding, Sive caught her fiancé with her sister. Sive fled and decided to find a nice all-Muggle community where she could learn to forget.
Twenty-seven years later, she still hadn’t forgotten.
Sive smiled at the young traveller across from her. He had nice blue eyes and was, she guessed, in his very early twenties. The young man looked interestedly at her from behind her pink teacup. Sive enjoyed having visitors. Since her village ostracized her and she ostracized the Wizarding community, she enjoyed welcoming weary travellers. Besides, Sive was not afraid - even at the age of fifty-one, she was still quick and remembered all the hexes and jinxes she had mastered in youth.
“Would you like some more tea?” she asked politely as the young man set down his empty cup.
“I know who you are,” he said abruptly.
“Pardon me?” Sive kept the smile on her face. Could he possibly be one of those silly young men who had heard rumours about her from town and ‘had to see for himself’? Though the smile on Sive’s face was still there, it was a little forced. He had seemed like such a nice young man.
“I mean…I know what you are.”
“And what am I, pray tell?” Sive was still smiling.
“You’re a witch!” the young man whispered excitedly.
Sive’s smile showed the first signs of faltering. So he had come to see the witch for himself.
“It’s okay!” he announced gleefully. “It’s all right because…I’m a witch too! I mean…I’m a wizard.”
Sive groaned inwardly. So he wasn’t just here to gawk at her, he was another one of those idiot fanatics who believed they could perform magic. She gave him sad smile.
“Look,” he insisted as he drew a long wooden stick from the inside of his travelling cloak. Sive was surprised. It looked quite similar to the one that was currently resting in the pocket of her skirt.
The young man pointed it at his empty cup, muttered a soft spell and the cup blasted apart. He looked apologetically at Sive, tiny droplets of tea stuck to his face. Sive removed her own wand and pointed it at the broken pieces. “Reparo.”
“So you are a witch! You’re Sive Wilde, aren’t you? Aunt Millie told me all about you!”
“Aunt Millie?” Sive echoed. Millicent Otis was her only remaining link to the life she once led. Millie had been her best friend when they were still in Hogwarts and had remained to be so even until after she abandoned the Wizarding World. Funny how Millie had never mentioned sending her nephew to see her - Sive just assumed her best friend had forgotten. “You must be her darling Gilderoy, then.”
The young man flashed a charming smile. “Yes, I’m Gilderoy Lockhart and I’m studying magical creatures. Could you…would you…please…tell me about…the ghouls?” he whispered the last bit.
Sive nodded. She decided to indulge the young man. One ghoul wasn’t that much of a problem but Sive had faced two hundred of them all in one barn. Now that was a story worth telling.
“Wow,” was all Gilderoy could say after Sive finished her story. Sive picked up her tea cup and took a sip. “And no one else knows about this except Aunt Millie and yourself?”
Sive shook her head. She didn’t need the publicity.
Gilderoy smiled and nodded as he took his wand out again. “Thank you very much, Sive. This is a big help. OBLIVIATE!” he yelled as he pointed his wand at her. There was a flash of light.
Sive blinked. She was alone in her parlour. A cup of tea was in her right hand. She looked outside the window. “Good Lord, I must have dozed off. It’s almost night out.”
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Gadding with Ghouls and winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *
“A werewolf you say?” the same blond man who had graced Sive Wilde’s parlour years before was now sitting in a dingy old shack owned by a pale, skinny old man with a shocking red beard. Helmut Rance nodded. Helmut had studied at Hogwarts as well, and had been sorted into Slytherin. He was a proud pureblood who shunned his entire family because they had decided to intermarry with muggles.
“Yes,” he wheezed. “I got rid of the damn werewolf that had been plaguing this town and killin’ all the cattle. Of course I couldn’t tell the stupid town because ‘alf of them are muggles. This is what you get when you mix muggles an’ wizards.”
Gilderoy Lockhart scribbled in his small notebook. “Well, sir, your story must be told to the entire wizarding world!”
“Yeah, yeah, I s’pose,” he answered gruffly. “What’s yer name again?”
“Gilderoy Lockhart with the Daily Prophet,” he smiled innocently.
“Funny. I get the Daily Prophet but I’ve never seen or ‘eard of you.”
Gilderoy sighed as he closed his notebook. “I guess it’s time to tell you then. I’m not from the Daily Prophet,” he admitted. Helmut reached for his wand but Gilderoy was faster. “Obliviate!”
Helmut Rance found himself in his sparse library. He scratched his head. Now what was he doing here all alone? Helmut yawned.
Three months later in the same library, Helmut would read the book written by a charming young man about how he managed to defeat a werewolf. Helmut would close Wanderings with Werewolves and smile, let out a low whistle and say, “Now there’s an amazing feat! Damn, I wish I ‘ad done that!”
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Wanderings with Werewolves, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League and three-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *
Gilderoy Lockhart ran across the large field screaming his head off. A banshee was right behind him. He wondered how he had gotten himself into this stupid position. Gilderoy pulled out his wand, turned his head and yelled a curse at the banshee. It went right through her. The banshee opened her mouth to let out a wail that shook the entire night. Gilderoy let out a similar wail as he turned back to look where he was going and crashed into a tree.
“Gilderoy!” a female voice yelled. He opened his eyes slowly and through a haze, he saw a witch in bottle green robes point her wand at the banshee. The banshee was standing right in front of Gilderoy. He let out another scream as he covered his face with his arms.
He was still screaming when Gwyneth Tanner shook him. She had a gash across her freckled cheek and bruises were beginning to form on her chin and neck. “Gilderoy are you all right? We did it! We saved Bandon!” she said gleefully.
Gilderoy tossed his blond hair back and smiled enchantingly at her. “That was amazing, Gwen,” he murmured through bruised lips. He reached for his wand, which lay on the grass near his right knee. “Too bad you won’t remember any of it! Obliviate!”
Gwyneth fell to the ground. Gilderoy brushed the dust off his clothes and tried to patch his face up as best as he could. He picked Gwyneth up and carried her back to the town of Bandon, where he was given a hero’s welcome.
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Break with a Banshee, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *
Genre: General, Dark Humor
Characters: Gilderoy Lockhart, Sive Wilde, Helmut Rance, Gwyneth Tanner
Rating: PG-13 (for language and violent themes)
Word Count: 1,407 words
Summary: Glory is stolen by the dashing young man.
Author's Notes: Written for hecticity on lumos_create
The villagers of Fairbairn avoided Sive Wilde at all costs. Fairbairn was a small community where everybody knew everybody. Twenty-seven years ago, Sive Wilde had appeared in Fairbairn from practically out of nowhere. She claimed that she lived in the tidy little cottage on the outskirts of town. Sure enough, when townsfolk went to investigate, there was a quaint house where only a patch of grass and a fox hole used to be. The same day, the villagers of Fairbairn labelled Sive an oddity and decided to keep away from her.
Sive Wilde was, in fact, an oddity. Truth be told, Sive was a witch - and an excellent one in fact. She graduated from one of the best schools in the country, the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was while she was attending Hogwarts that Sive fell in love with her future fiancé. Nine years after they left Hogwarts, Sive and her fiancé decided to marry. Two months before the wedding, Sive caught her fiancé with her sister. Sive fled and decided to find a nice all-Muggle community where she could learn to forget.
Twenty-seven years later, she still hadn’t forgotten.
Sive smiled at the young traveller across from her. He had nice blue eyes and was, she guessed, in his very early twenties. The young man looked interestedly at her from behind her pink teacup. Sive enjoyed having visitors. Since her village ostracized her and she ostracized the Wizarding community, she enjoyed welcoming weary travellers. Besides, Sive was not afraid - even at the age of fifty-one, she was still quick and remembered all the hexes and jinxes she had mastered in youth.
“Would you like some more tea?” she asked politely as the young man set down his empty cup.
“I know who you are,” he said abruptly.
“Pardon me?” Sive kept the smile on her face. Could he possibly be one of those silly young men who had heard rumours about her from town and ‘had to see for himself’? Though the smile on Sive’s face was still there, it was a little forced. He had seemed like such a nice young man.
“I mean…I know what you are.”
“And what am I, pray tell?” Sive was still smiling.
“You’re a witch!” the young man whispered excitedly.
Sive’s smile showed the first signs of faltering. So he had come to see the witch for himself.
“It’s okay!” he announced gleefully. “It’s all right because…I’m a witch too! I mean…I’m a wizard.”
Sive groaned inwardly. So he wasn’t just here to gawk at her, he was another one of those idiot fanatics who believed they could perform magic. She gave him sad smile.
“Look,” he insisted as he drew a long wooden stick from the inside of his travelling cloak. Sive was surprised. It looked quite similar to the one that was currently resting in the pocket of her skirt.
The young man pointed it at his empty cup, muttered a soft spell and the cup blasted apart. He looked apologetically at Sive, tiny droplets of tea stuck to his face. Sive removed her own wand and pointed it at the broken pieces. “Reparo.”
“So you are a witch! You’re Sive Wilde, aren’t you? Aunt Millie told me all about you!”
“Aunt Millie?” Sive echoed. Millicent Otis was her only remaining link to the life she once led. Millie had been her best friend when they were still in Hogwarts and had remained to be so even until after she abandoned the Wizarding World. Funny how Millie had never mentioned sending her nephew to see her - Sive just assumed her best friend had forgotten. “You must be her darling Gilderoy, then.”
The young man flashed a charming smile. “Yes, I’m Gilderoy Lockhart and I’m studying magical creatures. Could you…would you…please…tell me about…the ghouls?” he whispered the last bit.
Sive nodded. She decided to indulge the young man. One ghoul wasn’t that much of a problem but Sive had faced two hundred of them all in one barn. Now that was a story worth telling.
“Wow,” was all Gilderoy could say after Sive finished her story. Sive picked up her tea cup and took a sip. “And no one else knows about this except Aunt Millie and yourself?”
Sive shook her head. She didn’t need the publicity.
Gilderoy smiled and nodded as he took his wand out again. “Thank you very much, Sive. This is a big help. OBLIVIATE!” he yelled as he pointed his wand at her. There was a flash of light.
Sive blinked. She was alone in her parlour. A cup of tea was in her right hand. She looked outside the window. “Good Lord, I must have dozed off. It’s almost night out.”
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Gadding with Ghouls and winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *
“A werewolf you say?” the same blond man who had graced Sive Wilde’s parlour years before was now sitting in a dingy old shack owned by a pale, skinny old man with a shocking red beard. Helmut Rance nodded. Helmut had studied at Hogwarts as well, and had been sorted into Slytherin. He was a proud pureblood who shunned his entire family because they had decided to intermarry with muggles.
“Yes,” he wheezed. “I got rid of the damn werewolf that had been plaguing this town and killin’ all the cattle. Of course I couldn’t tell the stupid town because ‘alf of them are muggles. This is what you get when you mix muggles an’ wizards.”
Gilderoy Lockhart scribbled in his small notebook. “Well, sir, your story must be told to the entire wizarding world!”
“Yeah, yeah, I s’pose,” he answered gruffly. “What’s yer name again?”
“Gilderoy Lockhart with the Daily Prophet,” he smiled innocently.
“Funny. I get the Daily Prophet but I’ve never seen or ‘eard of you.”
Gilderoy sighed as he closed his notebook. “I guess it’s time to tell you then. I’m not from the Daily Prophet,” he admitted. Helmut reached for his wand but Gilderoy was faster. “Obliviate!”
Helmut Rance found himself in his sparse library. He scratched his head. Now what was he doing here all alone? Helmut yawned.
Three months later in the same library, Helmut would read the book written by a charming young man about how he managed to defeat a werewolf. Helmut would close Wanderings with Werewolves and smile, let out a low whistle and say, “Now there’s an amazing feat! Damn, I wish I ‘ad done that!”
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Wanderings with Werewolves, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League and three-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *
Gilderoy Lockhart ran across the large field screaming his head off. A banshee was right behind him. He wondered how he had gotten himself into this stupid position. Gilderoy pulled out his wand, turned his head and yelled a curse at the banshee. It went right through her. The banshee opened her mouth to let out a wail that shook the entire night. Gilderoy let out a similar wail as he turned back to look where he was going and crashed into a tree.
“Gilderoy!” a female voice yelled. He opened his eyes slowly and through a haze, he saw a witch in bottle green robes point her wand at the banshee. The banshee was standing right in front of Gilderoy. He let out another scream as he covered his face with his arms.
He was still screaming when Gwyneth Tanner shook him. She had a gash across her freckled cheek and bruises were beginning to form on her chin and neck. “Gilderoy are you all right? We did it! We saved Bandon!” she said gleefully.
Gilderoy tossed his blond hair back and smiled enchantingly at her. “That was amazing, Gwen,” he murmured through bruised lips. He reached for his wand, which lay on the grass near his right knee. “Too bad you won’t remember any of it! Obliviate!”
Gwyneth fell to the ground. Gilderoy brushed the dust off his clothes and tried to patch his face up as best as he could. He picked Gwyneth up and carried her back to the town of Bandon, where he was given a hero’s welcome.
* GILDEROY LOCKHART *
* Author of Break with a Banshee, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award *