Chapter 12 - Crisis of Coordination Pt. 1
Masterlist
Chapter 11 - Crisis of Countermeasures
Counter Crisis
by White Mage Koorii & Dragoon-Sama
Chapter 11 - Crisis of Coordination
[ μ ] - εуλ 0002 (February 7th)
Cloud stepped off the train into the stale air of the slums. The breeze from the train letting off steam washed over him, and he reached up to absently brush his bangs out of his eyes. Another person bumped him rudely from behind in their hurry to get off the train themselves and that finally propelled him into motion. He strode forward, winding his way through the crowd of people milling around as they waited to either board the train for the plate, or greet a passenger just disembarking.
The past few weeks had been much busier than before. After their first disastrous attempt at fighting the simulation of Sephiroth, he and Zack had worked hard to improve their coordination. Most of that was done on their own, with further sparring matches in the Training Room-which had been repaired in record time, thanks to the impatient pressure many of the SOLDIERs put on the technicians-or the fields. But whenever they could make the time, they would sneak in after hours to battle the program. There hadn't been too many chances to do so, since they wanted to keep the knowledge that they were deliberately training against Sephiroth away from inquisitive eyes. That, and it had taken Cloud an immense amount of self control to stop reacting to fighting against the simulation, and start thinking first. Even so, it unnerved Cloud to have to face down those lifeless, green eyes.
Other than that, they'd filled their days with as many missions as Lazard could find to keep them occupied. Cloud thought Zack might be distracting himself from his gloomy thoughts, especially at first. Even though his friend had bounced back to his normal cheerful self, Cloud could still see the lingering sadness in Zack's face occasionally. It hadn't, it should be noted, stopped Zack from giving out Cloud's new phone number to anyone who asked.
Every time the cheery jingle announced there was a new message, Cloud had flinched in annoyance. On top of that Zack seemed to take infinite glee in forwarding his mail from the Silver Elite to Cloud. Sephiroth's fanclub seemed taken with speculating on who he was and what his relation to their hero was. It ranged everywhere from secret romantic liaisons, to Sephiroth having a fatherly side, or taking on a student. Cloud found all of it laughable, in a distressing kind of way. He'd tried to take Zack's phone away in revenge, but a call from Aerith had alerted Zack to the whereabouts of it. Aerith had laughed when she heard and asked for Cloud's number as well.
Aerith, who was the reason he now found himself walking through the slums with no idea how Zack had managed to convince him to go on this insane 'mission'. A mission which turned out to be Cloud playing distraction while Zack ran around preparing a surprise he'd 'promised her a long time ago' for Aerith's birthday.
"Hey! Hey, pretty cat! You're here without your guard dog?" A childish, female voice floated over the murmuring of the crowd and Cloud twisted his head to catch sight of the speaker. A group of girls hailed him from across the street, some scattered items at their feet indicating their previous activity. The red-head waved enthusiastically, pulling up her dark-haired friend and dragging her over to meet up with him. The third girl trailed a few steps behind.
"Poppy," Cloud greeted the redhead as she came to a beaming stop in front of him. He'd run into the girl and more of her friends on his various trips down to the slums. Despite her flirtatious behavior in their initial meeting, Poppy and her dark-haired friend, Violet, were actually quite young, though like many girls their age believed themselves to be adults already. Cloud found all they'd really wanted was a playmate for a while. Occasionally he complied with their wishes in memory of the Denzel and Marlene he'd left behind.
"Violet, Annabelle," he continued, nodding to the two other girls. "I don't have time to stay today." Already he was walking off, though as he expected the trio followed at his heels.
"Aww…" Poppy pouted, skipping ahead a few steps before turning to look up in his face sulkily. "You never have time! But that's okay!" She grinned, before spinning around again, only to collide with Annabelle. The pair staggered, giggling. "We'll keep you company for a while."
"Are you going to the church again?" Annabelle asked, shoving her friend away. At his nod, she clapped her hands happily. Violet, silent as ever, had come up to his side to hold his hand while the other girls chattered enthusiastically. Though still baffled at their apparent fascination with him, Cloud smiled slightly at their antics. It was easy to forget, sometimes, that these children were slum dwellers.
He listened patiently to a rather off-key rendition of a skipping song, always keeping his senses trained against the dangers the slums presented but not worried overmuch. The people were becoming used to seeing him with his eye-catching hair, usually accompanying Zack who many of them knew as well. Between sectors, where the monsters still liked to prey on the incautious, all the girls huddled close to his side exchanging excited whispers at the danger of it.
When the doors to the church finally came into view, all three girls raced ahead of him, announcing his arrival in merry cat calls. A moment later, Aerith's white-clad figure appeared, framed in the open leaf of the double doors with a welcoming smile on her face. “Hello, Cloud,” she said warmly. “No Zack today?” Cloud didn't need to say anything in response to Aerith's greeting, content that his presence spoke for itself. Though he was afraid to try to make any excuse for Zack not being there in case he slipped up and ruined the surprise for Aerith. She smiled up at him as he approached. “Thank you for coming to visit.” Despite his apprehension, Cloud was glad he'd come down here alone. He hadn't yet taken Aerith up on her offer to visit whenever he wanted, only coming when Zack brought them both down.
She slid her arm through his and let him escort her back toward her flowers over which the girls were cooing, crouched at the edges of the little garden. Aerith smiled fondly, made happy by their happiness. The church was as serene as always, still with that touch of something raw and beautiful that Cloud was sure was the source of the flower's ability to grow so well, and could only have come from Aerith. Seeing the three girls by the flowers sent a pang of nostalgia through Cloud. Here, he could recall much easier Denzel's earnest smiles and Marlene's happy laughter. When he'd woken up in the church surrounded by the children, it had seemed for a while that the spark that had been lost with Aerith's absence had returned.
Now at least the children only enhanced the warm glow of happiness from Aerith. No matter how long he was here, Cloud knew he would never get tired of how alive Aerith was, how real she felt. Every time he saw her, a little bit of the hurt her sudden death had caused eased inside him, making it easier to return her smiles. While he knew this wasn't the same Aerith he'd lost, it was easier to remember that the one he had known didn't blame him for his mistake when this Aerith was so happy with his company.
“Miss Aerith,” Annabelle called, her voice slightly muffled by the fact that she was chewing on her thumb in thought. “Why're you cutting some of the flowers?”
Poppy made a loud shushing noise. “She's gonna sell them, silly. Isn't that right, Miss Aerith?”
Aerith let go of Cloud and moved to crouch among the girls. “Not these ones,” she said softly. “My mom asked me to bring her some today.”
Cloud frowned as he realized their presence might be a hindrance in his effort to keep Aerith distracted. Well, it hardly mattered at this point. "Would you like some help?" he asked with an abortive gesture at the flowers. "I'm sure the girls would take them over to your mother's."
"Yeah! But only if we can keep one!" Poppy said as she leapt to her feet and threw her hands in the air. "And one for the pretty cat too!"
"Oh please, Miss Aerith?" Annabelle added her own appeal, clasping her hands together in a fashion reminiscent of Zack.
"But only if you have extras," Violet added quietly, her eyes still fixed on the bobbing heads of the flowers.
Cloud raised an eyebrow at Aerith, the hint of an amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Minus the one for me, we'd be happy to lend you a hand."
Aerith gave a soft hmm, and put on a show of consideration. Then she brightened, and said, “It's a deal. But, we'll all take them to mom together. That way I don't have to take more than one trip.” She gave another thoughtful sound, then looked up at Cloud. “Cloud can help me cut them, and you three can hold onto them for us, okay?”
While Annabelle nodded in vigorous, eager agreement, Poppy gave a little shout. “We'll be careful with them, Miss Aerith.”
“Yeah,” Violet said. “We won't crush'em or drop'em or anything.”
Aerith gave a soft laugh and stood up to offer Cloud one of the little knives she kept on hand for cutting the flowers. “I'm sure you won't.”
Taking the knife, Cloud nodded in agreement to the arrangement. Whatever Elmyra was planning for her daughter, she obviously didn't mind if Aerith visited the house. He made his way into the flowers, careful not to crush any of the delicate plants under his boots, and knelt to cut a few of the blossoms. Handing them off to Violet, who was closest, he asked quietly, "How many do you need?"
"Hey, do you think someday, if we're real careful, we'll be able to help you cut the flowers too?" Poppy interrupted, squatting down with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands as she watched Cloud and Aerith work.
"Only grownups are allowed to help," Annabelle protested, reaching out eagerly to take the flowers from Aerith. She placed them carefully, one by one, into the pile already laid out on the wooden floor.
"That's not true," Cloud murmured, giving Aerith an amused look. "You still won't let Zack touch them."
"That's because he's a boy," Poppy scoffed, turning her nose up and closing her eyes in distaste "And boys don't understand things like flowers and stuff."
"Except for Cloud," came the quiet injection from Violet. Poppy paused, opening an eye to squint sideways at him.
"Yeah…alright. Except Cloud. He's special," she conceded.
"He's cooler than Zack, anyway," Annabelle said. "Why don't you go out with Cloud instead, Miss Aerith?"
Pausing in the act of reaching for another flower, Cloud shook his head slightly at the girls' impudence. It always turned out something like this, whenever Cloud was with them. Poppy was the oldest at thirteen, and had her head full of romance right out of storybooks. The other girls tended to follow the vivacious red-head's lead. Cloud thought they did it to see how quickly they could fluster him.
“It's more fun to watch him pout,” Aerith whispered to Cloud conspiratorially, then more loudly said, “Zack asked me out first, of course. I didn't even know Cloud then.” She stood up and moved to a different patch of flowers. As she passed off a few more she gave Poppy an amused look and asked, “Why is Cloud cooler?”
"'Cause his hair is like gold, and it's really pretty," Poppy replied promptly.
"And he's more polite, like a real gentleman," Annabelle added.
"He's strong," was Violet's contribution.
"Yeah! Did you know he took out a monster last time we were here? Zack was there too, but he just stood there and watched," Poppy sniped, giving Cloud a broad grin.
"There was only one. I was just closer at the time," Cloud protested mildly, his hands continuing to work industriously as he moved through the flowers.
"Doesn't matter," Poppy said, waving off Cloud's words.
"You got to see him fight?" Annabelle asked in awe. The flowers lay forgotten in her limp hands as she stared up at the older girl. "Lucky!"
"It was cool," Violet said, her normally quiet voice raised in mild excitement.
"That's right," Poppy bragged. "It was this creepy purple thing, with teeth everywhere! But Cloud just took out his sword and BAM! It was dead just like that!"
"A Whole Eater," Cloud said absently. He'd just reacted when Poppy had let out an ear piercing scream of fright at the sight of the monster, and the next thing he knew the creature was dead and the girls were hanging off his waist in tears. Zack had tried to look sympathetic at his plight, but hadn't been able to wipe the grin off his face.
Straightening, Cloud stepped back up onto the wooden floor, the last few flowers held carefully in his hand. He approached the trio of girls and dropped to one knee in front of them. Reaching out, he carefully tucked one of the flowers in each girl's hair. "Your hair is also very pretty, Poppy," he said. The girl's face flushed bright red, though her mouth was stretched into a delighted smile. He turned to Annabelle next. "Thank you for the compliment. Just remember not to confuse politeness with kindness." She nodded readily, her hands clasped in front of her as she gave a playful curtsy. "Remember that your friends are your greatest strength," he said to Violet, letting his hand rest on top of her head for just a moment. He was rewarded with one of her shy smiles, which he returned as he straightened.
Turning to Aerith, he reached out and placed the last blossom in her hair. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there sooner," he said quietly. Cloud knew the girls would assume it was in response to her earlier comment. He also knew Aerith wouldn't really understand the meaning behind them, but Cloud had wanted to say that to her, to Aerith's kind smile he'd missed for so long.
Aerith caught his hand in hers, and gave him a soft smile. Her voice was warm as she said, “You're here now, and that's all that matters.” Squeezing Aerith's hand gently in gratitude, Cloud reflected on how she always seemed to know what to say. Possibly it was because of her connection to the Planet, which gave her wisdom unlike other people, but Cloud always believed it was just Aerith's kind nature shining through.
The moment was broken as Poppy piped up from behind them, "Are you sure you aren't going out with Cloud?" Letting out a sigh, Cloud let his hand drop back to his side as he turned back to the giggling girls.
Aerith gave a delighted laugh, and when she turned her eyes back on Cloud they were full of mischief. “Well, if I didn't have Zack, maybe I would.” She crouched down beside the flowers and began to split them up into careful, manageable bouquets. “You know, Zack saved me from three monsters when we first met. And Cloud has protected me from monsters as well. I think they're both cool.”
Cloud reached out a hand to tug on a lock of Poppy's hair in mild reprimand for the tease, before he knelt on the wooden floor to help the three girls finish gathering the flowers together. Whatever else, Cloud knew his chance with Aerith had long since passed. He didn't regret it; it had been born from two lonely people finding comfort in the shadow of a familiar memory.
With only the minimum of bickering between the girls, Cloud managed to divide up the flowers between them for the journey back to Aerith's house. Poppy as the eldest had claimed rights to carrying the basket, with Violet and Annabelle carefully cradling their armfuls of bouquets. Straightening up from his position on the floor, Cloud caught Aerith's eye and gave a rueful shrug. He'd had some practice dealing with little girls because of Marlene, and it wasn't hard to translate that behavior with these three.
His boots tapped quietly on the wooden floor as Cloud silently led the way to the doors. The three girls trailed after him in a line, while Aerith brought up the rear. One gloved hand pushed open a leaf of the door and Cloud stopped cold at the sight that greeted him. Zack stood on the pathway in front of the church in hurried conversation with one of the street kids. His friend's head snapped up comically, eyes wide and a sheepish expression on his face at the sight of Cloud framed in the doorway. There was a light bump at his back as Poppy ran into Cloud, unprepared for the sudden halt in movement, and Cloud glanced back over his shoulder. Aerith was far enough back as to not have seen Zack yet, but the girls were craning their necks to see what had caused Cloud to stop.
Stupid…if Zack didn't want Aerith to see him, why had he come to the one spot she was guaranteed to be at? Before Cloud could think of a distraction, Zack solved the dilemma for him by grabbing the kid and literally diving behind the piles of debris that littered the area. Cloud winced at the rattling clang.
"Hey, wasn't that-" Annabelle began.
"A dog," Cloud interrupted. It was hardly the most creative of excuses, but Cloud couldn't be bothered to think up a better one. It was Zack's fault, anyway. Cloud stifled a grin at the quiet exclamation the comment provoked from the hidden SOLDIER.
"A dog?" Poppy asked, skepticism on her face as she leaned around Cloud. She slipped one hand into his belt to keep her balance as she exaggerated the move, the basket of flowers swinging from her free arm.
"Mmm," Cloud hummed noncommittally. He was sure he heard a light titter from Violet, but when he looked over his shoulder again the girl's face was as impassive as ever.
"That's right!" Annabelle said brightly, her voice overly loud. "It was a big black dog! I wonder if it's lost?" Cloud let out a breath of a laugh at the unconvincing tone and started forward again.
"What, seriously?" Poppy hopped forward as Cloud moved. She released his belt to walk on her own again. "That's so boring. I thought it was a monster or something. Hey Cloud, you'll come save me if I get attacked, won't you?"
He winced at the wording that echoed Tifa's question from so long ago. It surprised him how much that still hurt, how much he still felt he was unable to save those who were counting on him. What could he say to the girl's innocent query? Cloud wasn't able to lie, but he also wasn't able to promise such a thing. Not again. Maybe never again.
He was saved from replying as Annabelle kicked at Poppy's calves, while being careful of the flowers she still held. "Stupid. Why would Cloud come save a skinny twit like you?" The insult wasn't serious, just a joke among good friends.
"He certainly wouldn't save an immature little kid like you," was the quick retort. Poppy turned around to skip backward a few steps as she stuck her tongue out at her friend.
"Cloud is too busy with his important stuff to worry about that," Violet murmured, her quiet interjection breaking up the imminent fight.
The girls kept up their banter all through the Sector 5 market area, sometimes breaking off to examine a curiosity more closely, but always trailing back to Cloud's side before too long. Aerith had fallen in beside him and Cloud was glad of her company. It was nice, he reflected, just to be with Aerith without Zack's boundless energy around them. Cloud always felt like an intruder in his friend's time together despite Zack's reassurances.
So while he had the chance, Cloud enjoyed his time together with Aerith. It helped distract him from the issue that had been looming over his mind for the past few weeks, like a toothache that hurt every time it was involuntarily prodded. Sephiroth's actions on the Condor mission still brought up a riot of emotions in Cloud, ones that he didn't like to think about. While he'd reluctantly shared with Zack the basics of what had happened, Cloud had not been able to admit the shameful feeling of enjoyment that he'd experienced in the exhilarating fight. Every time he thought about it, the memory burned white-hot in his mind, of Sephiroth's calculating, sane expression, of Cloud pitting his strength against the hero he'd once longed to be like.
He was still wary, still couldn't forgive or forget what he'd been through at the hands of that madman, but after his realization at Zack's expense, Cloud had made a conscious effort to separate the people from his past life from their incarnation of his present. That also meant separating the dark feelings of hatred from the silver-haired man, and what was left behind scared Cloud more than he wanted to admit. The sparring match with Zack had opened up other avenues for his mind to wander down, the inevitable conclusions always leaving Cloud feeling conflicted and mentally worn.
Ahead of them the three girls had picked up their pace as they started onto the path that lead toward Aerith's home. Beside him, Aerith slowed her steps before she stopped completely. “Uhm, Cloud...I....” As quickly as the words started, she shook her head and gave him a fast smile. “No, never mind. It's nothing,” she said almost breathlessly. Aerith spun away from him, and darted over to join the three girls as they headed for her mother. Cloud could only frown after her.
“Welcome back, dear,” Elmyra greeted her warmly. “I see you've got some helpers today.”
“Cloud brought them along,” Aerith replied.
“He has good taste,” Elmyra praised. She looked down at the eagerly grinning trio, her hands propped on her hips then nodded thoughtfully. “Aerith, we're running low on the cloth we use to make ribbons. Why don't you take Cloud and get some more from the market. These three can help me get started on the arrangements.”
“Oh, could we?”
“Please?”
“I've never...done something like that.”
Aerith gave a bright laugh at the trio's pleading and nodded as she accepted a handful of gil from her mother. “Okay, Mama. You three have fun, and we'll be back soon.” Aerith hurried back to Cloud's side, and gave him a faint, shy smile. “Shall we go, then?”
"Bye Cloud!" Poppy and Annabelle chorused, waving energetically from the steps.
"Come back soon." Violet's voice barely reached Cloud's ears over her friends' boisterous cheer.
Raising a hand to acknowledge the girls' chorus of farewells, Cloud inclined his head in agreement to Aerith's suggestion. He was curious what had prevented her question earlier. It sounded like something was bothering her, but not necessarily something bad. Was he unconsciously making her uncomfortable? It was easy to forget that she didn't know him that well, since he had 'known' Aerith for years. While he didn't know this Aerith as well as his other Aerith, at the heart of it she was still the kind woman he'd met in another life.
Uncertainty filled Cloud as they made their way down the path, the road between Aerith's house and the market surprisingly clear of people at this time of day. He was….bad at starting conversations. Most of the time he just let Zack fill the silence, which his friend was happy to do. Cloud wanted to talk to Aerith, wanted to assure her that she could trust him, wanted to confide in her some of the worries that he could tell no one else. Back in the other life, Tifa had opened herself to him for that position. Cloud hadn't been able to overcome his guilt enough to take her up on the offer.
Cloud regarded Aerith quietly for a moment, as he remembered his promise to Zack. Even if he could find the words, he wouldn't be able to confide in her. Not without breaking his word and putting Aerith, and his secrets, in danger. Cloud respected Zack's decision to keep Aerith as safe as possible while they still had the time. He wouldn't be the one to jeopardize that until his friend thought it was time.
Their progress had taken them close enough that Cloud could hear the buzz of raised voices from the busy marketplace. He glanced surreptitiously at Aerith. She seemed to be lost in thought, her fingers touched lightly at her lower lip, brows creased, and face downward turned. Cloud was content to let her be despite his wish to converse. When she noticed he was watching her, Aerith flushed slightly and offered an embarrassed smile. She absently clasped her fingers together, the gil her mother had given her caught between her fingers. “You're...very patient,” she said.
Cloud blinked, the only show of his surprise at her comment. "They're good kids," he replied as he turned his attention back to their progress. Ahead of them, the market stalls were now in view, and people bustled to and fro while the shop owners hawked their wares. "It's…nice, to watch over them." Not all the children of the slums were as carefree as Poppy and her friends. In fact, a majority of them were hellions who adopted the slum's gritty way of life with enthusiasm as they tried to prove they were the toughest.
He hadn't really thought about it before, but to an outsider it might seem like he was patient. Mostly because even now he was still adjusting to the time shift and he'd yet to spend much time with anyone who got on his nerves. The Reno of the other life could attest to Cloud's lack of patience when it came to certain people. It was much easier to be patient with children who'd yet to learn the conscious cruelty that adults seemed to cultivate with ease.
With a dismissive shake of his head, Cloud gave Aerith a slightly awkward shrug. "People overlook children too often." Like when they are sick and dying on the streets, with no hope and no one to comfort them.
Even Cloud hadn't been able to offer anything to those stricken by the geostigma. Every young face that turned in his direction had aggravated the guilt that dug at his heart. Until Denzel, all Cloud had been able to do was watch and suffer silently with them. Cloud had thought Denzel a gift from Aerith at the time, a way to seek forgiveness, but as he grew closer to the boy he'd come to care for him as more than that. When the geostigma had taken a turn for the worse, in both Cloud and Denzel, Cloud had begun distancing himself from Tifa's home. If he were to die from the disease, if he were unable to find a cure for Denzel, at least he would already have been gone by the time it was too late.
It had been a selfish act. Denzel and Marlene had enjoyed his company, which slowly turned into visits, which became less and less frequent over time. In a way, Cloud had failed them too, by not being there for their suffering. It was one more regret atop the mountain of others that Cloud had lived through. Denzel had been alone in the world, and had put so much of his trust and love into Cloud. Cloud never felt like he deserved it, but had guiltily coveted the boy's attention anyway. As he brought his attention back to Aerith, Cloud comforted himself with the thought that he'd make sure this world would be better for Denzel in the future.
“Not just them,” Aerith said. The pair had come to a stop just at the end of the path where it merged with the more traveled area of the market. The shop they were heading toward was just ahead of them, and a little off to the right. A fond smile colored her expression. “You're patient with Zack, too... and me.” Aerith looked down, her attention on her fingers. She couldn't seem to look up at Cloud as she bashfully admitted, “You look at me like you see a strong person, and that gives me courage to do things.”
Cloud stood for a moment as he considered Aerith's words. He hadn't realized just how unsure of herself Aerith was. The woman he'd met had been a driving force, and coupled with her other-worldly knowledge had easily seemed to be both competently confident, yet open and warm at the same time. Even now, Cloud could easily see how Aerith would grow into that woman. In a way she had been right; he did treat her as if she was a strong person. But that was because she was, now and in the future.
"You're my friends," he said earnestly, and reveled in the warm feeling that he could say it with confidence. There was no doubt now, no false memories to play with his insecurities. "And I know you are strong, Aerith." It wasn't a matter of time; Aerith as she was now was a shining presence in his life, and more especially in Zack's. She gave her mother strength and spread her warmth around without prejudice or hesitation. Maybe she'd become a better fighter, or gain more confidence, or become better traveled, but those were merely ornaments to her personality.
Unlike him… Cloud looked away from Aerith, and fought against the familiar feeling of guilt. She had forgiven him, in that future, and here and now there was nothing for him to feel ashamed of. He tried to remind himself of that, and block out the memory of her surprised look of pain as the Masamune struck home. There were times when Cloud wished he could push the memories of that gone future into the same black hole corner of his mind, yet even as they hurt him, they helped remind Cloud of why he was trying so hard, why he'd been given another chance to set things right.
"You and Zack are good people," Cloud surprised himself by continuing. He hadn't meant to say it, as it skirted too close to secrets he was supposed to keep from Aerith, but now that he had, the words forced themselves out. "You're always trying to help…everyone. Even when they…don't…deserve it." And that only brought forth the memory of heated green eyes, and the ringing of sword against sword as Cloud fought a man he'd thought irredeemable. If it was possible for even Sephiroth to be saved, what did that mean for Cloud? What did that make him, who'd only been able to kill the madman instead of finding a way….
Cloud ran a hand through his hair, aware it was one of those nervous twitches he'd picked up from his false Zack persona. His thoughts were getting dangerously dark, and he snorted in morbid humor as he realized he was sounding more like Vincent on one of his bad days. The former Turk was possibly the only person quieter and more reclusive than Cloud. Is that where Cloud was headed, by pushing his friends away like he had? He didn't dislike Vincent, and understood where the man's pessimistic attitude stemmed from. But it was a sad, lonely life.
He turned his gaze back to Aerith, aware he'd gone silent as his mind wandered. "I like you and Zack," he said quietly, and shrugged a shoulder as he was unable to put to words how much that meant.
Aerith gave a puff of a laugh. “Thank you,” she said softly. “At first I wasn't very sure but...” She paused, and shook her head. “I'm glad we're friends. You know, I don't think Zack or I think of it that way. I think everyone is deserving of help. There are no points or ways to show who's deserving and who isn't. It would be helpful if people just asked for help, but I think a lot of them don't know how.” She moved closer to him, and hesitantly she reached out to lay her hand on his arm.
“You're a good person too, Cloud. You help people without them even asking. I've seen it. You've helped me, and Zack, and those three girls. I'm sure you've helped many more people as well. It's why we like you. You have a big heart.” She smiled at him, eyes crinkling slightly, then laughed. “Well, I'm sure Zack would say there was more to it than that, and probably say something embarrassing but he's not here right now.” Shaking her head faintly she turned back toward the Market. “Come on, let's go talk to Mr. Hawkins. If we're too gloomy Zack will show up and be forced to make you smile, and you know how persistent he is.”
It must be nice, Cloud reflected, to be able to believe so strongly in people. Cloud had trouble believing in himself, even with so many others reassuring him. 'It wasn't his fault', 'he'd done his best', 'there was nothing he could have done'.… If he was really that good, then why did they have to make excuses for him? Cloud bit back a sigh. Sometimes having a good heart wasn't enough. Zack and Aerith had been the best of people, and still they had…. But that wouldn't happen here. Cloud had promised himself that one way or another he'd make sure the tragedies he'd suffered through wouldn't happen again. Doubt flitted across the back of his mind; since when had it mattered what a failure promised?
With a physical shake of his head, Cloud dismissed the pessimistic thoughts that continued to plague him. He was supposed to be enjoying his time with Aerith right now. Alright, technically he was supposed to be keeping her busy while Zack ran around doing who knew what, but in the end it amounted to the same thing. Taking a few quick steps to bring himself to Aerith's side as they entered the market proper, he offered her a small smile for her words. They'd been offered freely, and Cloud appreciated how much Aerith could trust in him, despite how little she really knew about him. Which only drove in the point she'd been making. It really didn't matter to her what a person was like, so long as there was something in them still worth saving.
(And is he worth saving?)
The thought twisted through his mind like poison, despite his effort to stop it. He didn't want to think about Sephiroth right now, or the riot of emotions surrounding that problem. But it seemed he couldn't stop, the weight of their last encounter burned like embers in his memories, ready to spark into flame at the barest prod. It would be better, smarter to talk with Zack again, and come clean about everything that had happened while his friend was away.
How could he, though? The only thing wrong was Cloud's own twisted perceptions and emotions, feelings he couldn't seem to put aside for fear of what was left behind. The images of Zack's slumped and defeated form, the pain in his expression when he'd confronted Cloud, were still stark in his mind. Even if Zack had forgiven Cloud's twisted view of him, what did that mean for the...others Cloud had dishonored in his selfish ignorance?
"What…if you knew someone would hurt you?" Again, the words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. But Cloud needed an answer, needed Aerith's calm guidance now more than ever, since he couldn't bring himself to trouble Zack.
If Tifa had been there, Cloud could have turned to her for a ready ear. Tifa wouldn't judge him, regardless of her own feelings for the madman. Despite her blind emotional reactions when she was younger, Tifa had been forced to mature to deal with Cloud's own brand of insanity. She had chosen to become Cloud's support, when she could have continued on to live a happy life without him. Perhaps the dip in the Lifestream had also changed her in ways that no one had yet realized. But Tifa wasn't here now, wouldn't ever be the same kind and understanding woman Cloud had known, not exactly.
"What if…you didn't think you could stop them?"
(What if you were afraid you wouldn't be able to save them?)
Ahead of him, Aerith paused, lingering and thoughtful. “I think,” she said slowly, “that you can't really know if anyone will ever hurt you. You can guess, and you can worry, but in the end it's their choice whether or not they do, and so many things can lead to that choice.” She turned to him, her fingers twined shyly into her dress, and a quiet little smile marking her expression. “Before I met Zack, I thought all SOLDIERs were nothing but monsters who craved battle,” she said, her voice barely carrying over the hubbub around them. “They...frightened me. But, I'm so glad I met Zack. He's...” She shrugged self-conscious, and the smile she gave Cloud now was slightly tremulous, but it held up.
“It's...” She paused and she laughed softly, her face lighting with an expression of epiphany. “It's like tending a garden. We all sow the seeds, and have to deal with what grows out of them, but if they're growing poorly that doesn't mean we can't move them to a more sunny part of the garden, or to a bigger pot.” Aerith touched a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “In gardening you sometimes get certain kinds of plants that will overrun the rest of the garden, so you have to be careful with them. A vine in the wrong place will choke a tree, or a certain type of flower will push everything else out of the flowerbed. You see? You just have to nurture the seeds right and make sure they grow properly.”
A gust of breath left him, the shake in it so slight Cloud was probably the only one to pick it up, as Aerith's words washed over him. He felt the knot of worry loosen, both his mind and body relaxing despite the near-nonsensical comparison she was making. That was like her, though; both unaware of the true meaning behind Cloud's words, yet able to understand what was being asked.
He'd heard Zack say over and over that they would change things, that it would be different this time since they were together and prepared, but deep down Cloud had been afraid. Afraid he'd fail his friend again, afraid Zack would die again, afraid they wouldn't be able to stop Sephiroth's fall into madness… Zack didn't know what they were facing, not the way Cloud did. But hearing reassurance from Aerith, however roundabout, filled Cloud with the warm glow of confidence.
It brought a new perspective to his fight with Sephiroth, too. Maybe the seeds he was sowing would be enough to change the ill fated path they were heading down. If Sephiroth was interested in Cloud, then he wasn't taking the time to find out more about Jenova or the Ancients. That could be enough of an anchor, until the threat of Jenova and Hojo could be eliminated for good. The thought was both terrifying and thrilling. Cloud wasn't sure he wanted to be the center of focus in Sephiroth's world, but couldn't deny how much it shook him up when he wasn't.
Cloud had spent enough time worrying about Sephiroth today. Any further, and he'd come too close to breaking his promise to Zack. He was curious, however, as to why Aerith had been so frightened of SOLDIERs before Zack. ShinRa, or even the Turks was understandable, but she had specifically mentioned SOLDIERs.
"In Nibelheim…we only heard a few rumors about SOLDIER." Cloud wasn't sure why he was sharing this, except that he didn't want to be left to his own thoughts again. Aerith chased away the shadows. He stepped in close to her as they broke into the mild crowd that populated the Sector 5 market place, both to provide her with some protection from other pedestrians and to ensure she could hear him without him having to raise his voice over much. "Mostly it was about…the General. All of it was ShinRa propaganda. Many of the adults didn't approve, but the children dreamed of traveling to Midgar, to become like…to become a SOLDIER.
"I think…I was one of the only ones to actually leave, though," he added, brow furrowing as he tried to sort through his hazy memories. As big as the other children had talked, they'd been the types to remain safely at home when real danger lurked. Cloud had left, proud and scared to be the first, to become a SOLDIER and come back to show them all how much better, how much braver than them he was. "My mother…" He paused as an amalgam of confusion, grief, and uncertainty at the thought of the strong, blonde woman passed through him. "Probably didn't want me to go, but she didn't stop me, either."
Cloud fell silent, aware he'd been talking more freely now than he'd done in a while. It was a strange sensation, but not unpleasant when it was Aerith he was talking to. He stopped walking as she did, glancing over to a stall with many different colors of ribbons on display. Their time was almost over, and Cloud found himself loathed to let it end. As if in answer to his dilemma, Cloud looked up to see a familiar dark figure in deep conversation with another man further up the road, alongside a pile of lumber. When he caught sight of Cloud, Zack quickly put a finger to his lips in a shushing motion, before mouthing 'distract her' at him. Then he turned back to the man who was already looking impatient at the SOLDIER's presence. At Cloud's side, Aerith wasn't looking in that direction, and so had not seen Zack yet.
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his friend's audacity, Cloud tilted his head down to Aerith, turning her gently back up the road. "Let's go to Wall Market instead." She gave him a quick, amiable-if not baffled-smile and a nod.
“You hear a lot of things about SOLDIER here,” she said quietly, picking up the thread of their conversation. “About how fierce they are...about how they...have something done to them to...make them the way they are. Something worse than the mako. But, I don't believe that makes them monsters anymore. Zack isn't a monster, and...and neither are many of the others.”
Cloud looked at Aerith out of the corner of his eye. He was aware, vaguely, of what she hadn't said. Aerith was sensitive to the Planet, had been even before their adventures. He could remember Elmyra recounting the story of how she'd found Aerith at the train station, and later how Aerith had informed her of her husband's passing. It wasn't surprising that Aerith was uncomfortable around enhanced people, then. Did that mean she could sense a difference in him as well?
They were passing through the mess of the broken highway now, and Cloud kept his senses alert for the monsters he knew liked to lurk there. He hopped up onto a ledge where the concrete road had split, the earth itself having shifted at some point to raise the section of road a few feet above the other. Bits of gravel crunched under his boots as he reached down, Aerith's slim hand sliding into his gloved one as he pulled her up after him. When she was standing next to him, he didn't immediately let go of her hand. There was no sensation of warmth through the thick leather, just a feeling of pressure that reassured him of Aerith's presence.
"…Sometimes, it's those who appear normal that are the real monsters," he murmured. Cloud knew what made a real monster, how far a human would stoop to fulfill their ambitions. Hojo was the best and worst example of this, but there were others. Heidegger, Scarlet, and Palmer. President Shinra. It was not surprising that they all were associated with ShinRa. The company provided wealth and power, and anonymity for darker ambitions.
His hand gave a convulsive squeeze on Aerith's, before he released her and started walking again. ShinRa, even under Rufus' dubious management, would never hold anything better than contempt in Cloud's mind. They had done too much to the world, destroyed too much that Cloud held dear.
“Don't worry so much, silly. Sometimes things don't have to be complicated. Besides,” Aerith said cheerfully. “It's so much better to smile, isn't it?” Her words trailed off abruptly at the sight of a monster's mangled body, the legs still twitching, just ahead of them. Looking further ahead there lay a scraggly dog's body splayed out in the middle of the cracked concrete, right over the yellow lines that marked where the center of the road had been. The pitted concrete was spattered with blood, and around it a small host of Whole Eaters were scrabbling and clicking as they tore into the body.
Aerith gave a strangled little sound and backed up a few paces, her hand immediately flying to her mouth. One of the slim, worm like monster backed away on its four thin legs and turned toward them, hissing through its gaping, tooth ringed mouth. It wobbled back and forth, multifaceted eyes glowing eerily in the under-plate gloom. It hissed, mock charged, then backed away again. Sword already in hand, Cloud automatically reached out and gripped Aerith's arm, and dragged her back further until she was behind him. Another of the monsters swarmed up over the dead dog's body. A moment later it seemed he wouldn't need the blade at all. With another hiss and crackle of moving legs the little beasts scuttled away over the broken rubble to disappear into the wide cracks in it.
Cloud kept his sword at the ready as he reached for Aerith's arm again, pulling her down the road and keeping himself between her and the bloody mess until they reached Sector 6's playground.
“Can we...take a break?” Aerith asked softly.
Cloud pushed the irritation the sudden interruption had caused back, then gave Aerith what he hoped was a reassuring nod. Aerith's obvious fear and horror didn't set well with Cloud, but there hadn't been anything he could do to lessen the gory scene they'd walked in on. Some part of his anger must have bled out, and sent the Whole Eaters scattering. Part of Cloud was glad they had, to spare Aerith more distress, but the other part wished they'd given him an excuse to indulge in the mindless violence the fight would have provided.
The slide of his sword scraping against its sheath as he re-holstered it seemed over loud in the deserted playground. The only other sound was Aerith's soft footfalls crunching lightly across loose gravel as she made her way to the small play structure that was the centerpiece of the park. She sat tentatively on the bottom of the slide, her arms still around her middle and her gaze focused on the ground at her feet. Cloud trailed after, uncertain what sort of comfort he should offer.
Monster attacks weren't uncommon, and were something that Cloud had become numb to over the years. It was surprising that Aerith was still so sensitive to them, yet somehow Cloud wished that innocence would never leave her. Unfortunately the monsters of the world had different ideas. It would have been nice if they had chosen a different day to eat their meal in the middle of the road. At least the corpse of the dead dog would be long gone by the time Aerith and he came back this way. Likely the monsters would return to finish their meal, but there was always the possibility of a desperate slum dweller making off with it for a meal or a quick profit.
His sword sheath pressed into his back as Cloud leaned against the side of the slide above Aerith. A noise made him glance around, and he spotted a man scuttling quickly for Wall Market. Otherwise the area was completely deserted. It reminded him of his other future, when he and that Aerith had spent a moment here as well. He couldn't remember now, what they had discussed. The sight of Tifa on the back of the Don's wagon had distracted them both, and the conversation was lost to the mists of memory. Not one of Cloud's strong points, to be sure.
Cloud glanced down at Aerith's bowed head again. If he'd been Zack-and he tried not to let the irony of that thought shake him-he'd have said something to lighten the situation and draw Aerith out of her dampened mood. Instead, Cloud hesitantly reached out a hand. He paused an inch from her hair, before he completed the move and ran his hand through her hair gently. He was careful not to snag his gloves on her ribbon, and for a moment saw the winking shine of the materia Aerith kept tied carefully there. Holy, he realized numbly. Why had he forgotten she had it, had always had that precious materia?
The urge to tell Aerith everything welled up inside him; surely she'd understand, and it would be such a relief to have his Aerith back again. The moment passed quickly leaving Cloud feeling mildly ill as guilt swirled in his chest. This was not, and would never be the Aerith he'd left behind. His promise to Zack, and the knowledge that Cloud was once again trying to push his own feelings on his friends kept his jaw clenched tight against the desire to speak.
Aerith silently leaned back into Cloud's touch and took the comfort that he offered. After a long moment during which Cloud could see her visibly relax, she said, “I'm sorry. It's...silly, but I can't help but feel so...sad when I see that sort of thing.” Even more quietly, as if only to herself she murmured, “Though, I'm a little happy too.”
Cloud stared off across the playground, his eyes unfocused as he warred within himself. The empty silence of the park gave the world a muffled quality, a quiet susurration from the distant Wall Market bustle that was barely on the edge of hearing the only noise. Without Zack's boundless energy to constantly pull Cloud out of his thoughts, and with Aerith just on the edge of sight, it felt like one of his waking dreams of her. Perhaps that was why he allowed his tongue to be looser than was wise.
"Do you think…everyone can be happy, when they return to the Lifestream?" There had been a time, twice, three times that Sephiroth had returned to the Lifestream. The first time he showed up after his death had been unexpected, even more-so once they realized that it wasn't that Sephiroth had survived his fall into the mako, but that he had returned from it. The more they learned about the life's blood of the Planet in their travels-from Bugenhagen, from Aerith and the Ancients-the more terrifying the realization became. They had fought, and they had won, and sent Sephiroth back into the green eternity.
But that hadn't stopped Sephiroth from calling Cloud to him for one final duel. The fight itself had been as surreal as Cloud's waking visions, and ironically had probably been one of the first he'd experienced. Unlike his visions of Aerith and Zack, however, Cloud had looked full on into the eyes of the madman who demanded they pit swords against each other, that one of them would be destroyed utterly.
It should have been over. They had saved the Planet, which had risen to its own defense against the burning blight that had been Meteor. For a while the peace had seemed too good to be true, until at last it proved false as the geostigma hit. The encroaching decay sucked the life out of the people, sending the world toward destruction as effectively as Meteor had. And Sephiroth had returned again, with a promise and a threat.
I will never be just a memory.
There was a jerk of movement suddenly stilled out of the corner of his eye, as Aerith froze stiffly on her seat. After a pause of several seconds she asked, "You...know about the Lifestream?"
Cloud nodded absently, mind still lost in green-tinted memories. "I...visited Cosmo Canyon. There was...it was confusing, but it was explained that all creatures return to the Lifestream." Nanaki's grandfather had done his best to explain it in as simple of terms as he could. Cloud knew he'd never understand the flow of life the way he had, or the way Aerith had. Sephiroth seemed to defy their explanations, as well. Swallowing against a lump in his throat, Cloud asked quietly, "But...what if someone refuses to rest?"
Aerith stood up suddenly and took a few steps away from him. He stared at her, eyes slightly wide in surprise at her sudden move. Her fingers fiddled with her skirt, and she refused to look at him. "I'm.... not sure I know what you're talking about." There was an odd tremor to her voice that couldn't be disguised no matter how hard she tried.
Abruptly Cloud realized he had slipped again, had forgotten how much of his knowledge wasn't common in this time and place. His promise to Zack rang accusingly in his ears as he mumbled, "...Ah, sorry. It was just...a foolish thought." He had become too relaxed with Zack's open and knowing presence. Making such a mistake with Aerith was regrettable, but not the disaster it could have been if Cloud had slipped in front of Sephiroth, or one of the Turks.
She gathered herself and turned, a smile on her face that didn't quite meet her eyes. "No, it's not. A lot of people wonder about things like that. What happens after death...after we...lose someone." She glanced away, almost as if afraid to meet his eyes. Her fingers were still caught in the white material of her dress. "There's no reason to be sorry for that."
Pushing himself upright, Cloud took a hesitant step toward Aerith. He hadn't meant to stir up her own sorrows and dark memories. For a few heartbeats, the silence stretched between them, tense but not unpleasant. There was something in her posture that indicated upset though she was, Aerith hadn't shut out his fumbled attempts to express the heavy weight of guilty and conflicting feelings he'd been carrying since the mission with Sephiroth. Would it be more harmful now to let it drop, to pretend that he hadn't upset and confused her? Was his own confusion worth alienating their tentative connection over? Cloud couldn't bring himself to leave things as they were. He needed to at least try to explain; he owed her that much.
"I was told, once, that...that they would never be just.... There's no way to stop someone, if they refuse to stay in your memories," he said hoarsely. For most people, it would have merely been bravado as they went down with a snarl instead of a scream, but Sephiroth was different; it was a promise that he would keep.
Aerith's eyes took on a determined glint, and she stepped closer, sat back down, and caught hold of his hand. She kept her gaze on their linked hands, and absently plucked at his glove as if to distract herself. Cloud held still as her voice rang softly in calm, melancholic tones, "Memories...good or bad, I think, can sometimes be more hurtful than the real thing."
"...You can't escape them..." he said, and tried to keep the haunted pain out of his voice. Cloud had tried, oh how he'd tried to escape his memories, his failures, his pain. It had left him so broken that he often lost sight of who he was, where he'd come from, what he was fighting for. Even now it was hard to keep the horrors at bay, and to keep himself moving forward at all.
"You never can," she agreed, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Her eyes turned up to catch his, and he could see her earnest belief shining in their green depths. (Not the same color, but just as striking.) "But that doesn't mean you can't come to terms with them."
There was a lump in his throat, and Cloud could feel the weight of Aerith's understanding acceptance boring into him. She didn't know what he'd done, how he'd failed to save so many people. He'd failed her, even if it no longer was her at all. He'd failed Zack, and Tifa, and betrayed his friends. Most confusing of all, Cloud now felt he'd also failed Sephiroth, that he hadn't been able to see past the monster he'd presented to the world to find the man who'd been lost. Cloud could see it now, the quiet, competent man, who was still full of arrogance though it wasn't unearned. There was no madness, no hatred, only a thrill of discovery as new facets were unearthed with each interaction.
"When memories are full of regrets…" he paused, closing his eyes to block out Aerith's unwavering look. "When all that's left is hate…. How are you supposed to feel when…when even that is gone?"
"I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel, Cloud but...I think that's your heart's way of letting you know you've moved on."
Cloud hadn't realized he'd sunk to his knees, until the hard press of gravel dug into him through his pants. He pressed their joined hands to his forehead for a moment as he let her words sink into his mind. (Is that all? Is it as simple as that?) To be able to let go of the hatred, and all of the horrible memories, to just live in the moment and find anew what sort of people his friends were…it was moving on past the dark, cloying memories that he'd allowed to hold him back for too long.
Cloud remembered feeling like this, in the church immediately after he'd banished the Other the final time. He had thought then too that something had changed, that the world seemed brighter. He'd lost that feeling when he'd been thrust into his own private nightmare, lined with broken dreams. Those broken dreams were mending under Zack's brilliant care, Aerith's understanding love, and even Sephiroth's fascinating enigma.
Part 2
Chapter 11 - Crisis of Countermeasures
Counter Crisis
by White Mage Koorii & Dragoon-Sama
Chapter 11 - Crisis of Coordination
[ μ ] - εуλ 0002 (February 7th)
Cloud stepped off the train into the stale air of the slums. The breeze from the train letting off steam washed over him, and he reached up to absently brush his bangs out of his eyes. Another person bumped him rudely from behind in their hurry to get off the train themselves and that finally propelled him into motion. He strode forward, winding his way through the crowd of people milling around as they waited to either board the train for the plate, or greet a passenger just disembarking.
The past few weeks had been much busier than before. After their first disastrous attempt at fighting the simulation of Sephiroth, he and Zack had worked hard to improve their coordination. Most of that was done on their own, with further sparring matches in the Training Room-which had been repaired in record time, thanks to the impatient pressure many of the SOLDIERs put on the technicians-or the fields. But whenever they could make the time, they would sneak in after hours to battle the program. There hadn't been too many chances to do so, since they wanted to keep the knowledge that they were deliberately training against Sephiroth away from inquisitive eyes. That, and it had taken Cloud an immense amount of self control to stop reacting to fighting against the simulation, and start thinking first. Even so, it unnerved Cloud to have to face down those lifeless, green eyes.
Other than that, they'd filled their days with as many missions as Lazard could find to keep them occupied. Cloud thought Zack might be distracting himself from his gloomy thoughts, especially at first. Even though his friend had bounced back to his normal cheerful self, Cloud could still see the lingering sadness in Zack's face occasionally. It hadn't, it should be noted, stopped Zack from giving out Cloud's new phone number to anyone who asked.
Every time the cheery jingle announced there was a new message, Cloud had flinched in annoyance. On top of that Zack seemed to take infinite glee in forwarding his mail from the Silver Elite to Cloud. Sephiroth's fanclub seemed taken with speculating on who he was and what his relation to their hero was. It ranged everywhere from secret romantic liaisons, to Sephiroth having a fatherly side, or taking on a student. Cloud found all of it laughable, in a distressing kind of way. He'd tried to take Zack's phone away in revenge, but a call from Aerith had alerted Zack to the whereabouts of it. Aerith had laughed when she heard and asked for Cloud's number as well.
Aerith, who was the reason he now found himself walking through the slums with no idea how Zack had managed to convince him to go on this insane 'mission'. A mission which turned out to be Cloud playing distraction while Zack ran around preparing a surprise he'd 'promised her a long time ago' for Aerith's birthday.
"Hey! Hey, pretty cat! You're here without your guard dog?" A childish, female voice floated over the murmuring of the crowd and Cloud twisted his head to catch sight of the speaker. A group of girls hailed him from across the street, some scattered items at their feet indicating their previous activity. The red-head waved enthusiastically, pulling up her dark-haired friend and dragging her over to meet up with him. The third girl trailed a few steps behind.
"Poppy," Cloud greeted the redhead as she came to a beaming stop in front of him. He'd run into the girl and more of her friends on his various trips down to the slums. Despite her flirtatious behavior in their initial meeting, Poppy and her dark-haired friend, Violet, were actually quite young, though like many girls their age believed themselves to be adults already. Cloud found all they'd really wanted was a playmate for a while. Occasionally he complied with their wishes in memory of the Denzel and Marlene he'd left behind.
"Violet, Annabelle," he continued, nodding to the two other girls. "I don't have time to stay today." Already he was walking off, though as he expected the trio followed at his heels.
"Aww…" Poppy pouted, skipping ahead a few steps before turning to look up in his face sulkily. "You never have time! But that's okay!" She grinned, before spinning around again, only to collide with Annabelle. The pair staggered, giggling. "We'll keep you company for a while."
"Are you going to the church again?" Annabelle asked, shoving her friend away. At his nod, she clapped her hands happily. Violet, silent as ever, had come up to his side to hold his hand while the other girls chattered enthusiastically. Though still baffled at their apparent fascination with him, Cloud smiled slightly at their antics. It was easy to forget, sometimes, that these children were slum dwellers.
He listened patiently to a rather off-key rendition of a skipping song, always keeping his senses trained against the dangers the slums presented but not worried overmuch. The people were becoming used to seeing him with his eye-catching hair, usually accompanying Zack who many of them knew as well. Between sectors, where the monsters still liked to prey on the incautious, all the girls huddled close to his side exchanging excited whispers at the danger of it.
When the doors to the church finally came into view, all three girls raced ahead of him, announcing his arrival in merry cat calls. A moment later, Aerith's white-clad figure appeared, framed in the open leaf of the double doors with a welcoming smile on her face. “Hello, Cloud,” she said warmly. “No Zack today?” Cloud didn't need to say anything in response to Aerith's greeting, content that his presence spoke for itself. Though he was afraid to try to make any excuse for Zack not being there in case he slipped up and ruined the surprise for Aerith. She smiled up at him as he approached. “Thank you for coming to visit.” Despite his apprehension, Cloud was glad he'd come down here alone. He hadn't yet taken Aerith up on her offer to visit whenever he wanted, only coming when Zack brought them both down.
She slid her arm through his and let him escort her back toward her flowers over which the girls were cooing, crouched at the edges of the little garden. Aerith smiled fondly, made happy by their happiness. The church was as serene as always, still with that touch of something raw and beautiful that Cloud was sure was the source of the flower's ability to grow so well, and could only have come from Aerith. Seeing the three girls by the flowers sent a pang of nostalgia through Cloud. Here, he could recall much easier Denzel's earnest smiles and Marlene's happy laughter. When he'd woken up in the church surrounded by the children, it had seemed for a while that the spark that had been lost with Aerith's absence had returned.
Now at least the children only enhanced the warm glow of happiness from Aerith. No matter how long he was here, Cloud knew he would never get tired of how alive Aerith was, how real she felt. Every time he saw her, a little bit of the hurt her sudden death had caused eased inside him, making it easier to return her smiles. While he knew this wasn't the same Aerith he'd lost, it was easier to remember that the one he had known didn't blame him for his mistake when this Aerith was so happy with his company.
“Miss Aerith,” Annabelle called, her voice slightly muffled by the fact that she was chewing on her thumb in thought. “Why're you cutting some of the flowers?”
Poppy made a loud shushing noise. “She's gonna sell them, silly. Isn't that right, Miss Aerith?”
Aerith let go of Cloud and moved to crouch among the girls. “Not these ones,” she said softly. “My mom asked me to bring her some today.”
Cloud frowned as he realized their presence might be a hindrance in his effort to keep Aerith distracted. Well, it hardly mattered at this point. "Would you like some help?" he asked with an abortive gesture at the flowers. "I'm sure the girls would take them over to your mother's."
"Yeah! But only if we can keep one!" Poppy said as she leapt to her feet and threw her hands in the air. "And one for the pretty cat too!"
"Oh please, Miss Aerith?" Annabelle added her own appeal, clasping her hands together in a fashion reminiscent of Zack.
"But only if you have extras," Violet added quietly, her eyes still fixed on the bobbing heads of the flowers.
Cloud raised an eyebrow at Aerith, the hint of an amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Minus the one for me, we'd be happy to lend you a hand."
Aerith gave a soft hmm, and put on a show of consideration. Then she brightened, and said, “It's a deal. But, we'll all take them to mom together. That way I don't have to take more than one trip.” She gave another thoughtful sound, then looked up at Cloud. “Cloud can help me cut them, and you three can hold onto them for us, okay?”
While Annabelle nodded in vigorous, eager agreement, Poppy gave a little shout. “We'll be careful with them, Miss Aerith.”
“Yeah,” Violet said. “We won't crush'em or drop'em or anything.”
Aerith gave a soft laugh and stood up to offer Cloud one of the little knives she kept on hand for cutting the flowers. “I'm sure you won't.”
Taking the knife, Cloud nodded in agreement to the arrangement. Whatever Elmyra was planning for her daughter, she obviously didn't mind if Aerith visited the house. He made his way into the flowers, careful not to crush any of the delicate plants under his boots, and knelt to cut a few of the blossoms. Handing them off to Violet, who was closest, he asked quietly, "How many do you need?"
"Hey, do you think someday, if we're real careful, we'll be able to help you cut the flowers too?" Poppy interrupted, squatting down with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands as she watched Cloud and Aerith work.
"Only grownups are allowed to help," Annabelle protested, reaching out eagerly to take the flowers from Aerith. She placed them carefully, one by one, into the pile already laid out on the wooden floor.
"That's not true," Cloud murmured, giving Aerith an amused look. "You still won't let Zack touch them."
"That's because he's a boy," Poppy scoffed, turning her nose up and closing her eyes in distaste "And boys don't understand things like flowers and stuff."
"Except for Cloud," came the quiet injection from Violet. Poppy paused, opening an eye to squint sideways at him.
"Yeah…alright. Except Cloud. He's special," she conceded.
"He's cooler than Zack, anyway," Annabelle said. "Why don't you go out with Cloud instead, Miss Aerith?"
Pausing in the act of reaching for another flower, Cloud shook his head slightly at the girls' impudence. It always turned out something like this, whenever Cloud was with them. Poppy was the oldest at thirteen, and had her head full of romance right out of storybooks. The other girls tended to follow the vivacious red-head's lead. Cloud thought they did it to see how quickly they could fluster him.
“It's more fun to watch him pout,” Aerith whispered to Cloud conspiratorially, then more loudly said, “Zack asked me out first, of course. I didn't even know Cloud then.” She stood up and moved to a different patch of flowers. As she passed off a few more she gave Poppy an amused look and asked, “Why is Cloud cooler?”
"'Cause his hair is like gold, and it's really pretty," Poppy replied promptly.
"And he's more polite, like a real gentleman," Annabelle added.
"He's strong," was Violet's contribution.
"Yeah! Did you know he took out a monster last time we were here? Zack was there too, but he just stood there and watched," Poppy sniped, giving Cloud a broad grin.
"There was only one. I was just closer at the time," Cloud protested mildly, his hands continuing to work industriously as he moved through the flowers.
"Doesn't matter," Poppy said, waving off Cloud's words.
"You got to see him fight?" Annabelle asked in awe. The flowers lay forgotten in her limp hands as she stared up at the older girl. "Lucky!"
"It was cool," Violet said, her normally quiet voice raised in mild excitement.
"That's right," Poppy bragged. "It was this creepy purple thing, with teeth everywhere! But Cloud just took out his sword and BAM! It was dead just like that!"
"A Whole Eater," Cloud said absently. He'd just reacted when Poppy had let out an ear piercing scream of fright at the sight of the monster, and the next thing he knew the creature was dead and the girls were hanging off his waist in tears. Zack had tried to look sympathetic at his plight, but hadn't been able to wipe the grin off his face.
Straightening, Cloud stepped back up onto the wooden floor, the last few flowers held carefully in his hand. He approached the trio of girls and dropped to one knee in front of them. Reaching out, he carefully tucked one of the flowers in each girl's hair. "Your hair is also very pretty, Poppy," he said. The girl's face flushed bright red, though her mouth was stretched into a delighted smile. He turned to Annabelle next. "Thank you for the compliment. Just remember not to confuse politeness with kindness." She nodded readily, her hands clasped in front of her as she gave a playful curtsy. "Remember that your friends are your greatest strength," he said to Violet, letting his hand rest on top of her head for just a moment. He was rewarded with one of her shy smiles, which he returned as he straightened.
Turning to Aerith, he reached out and placed the last blossom in her hair. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there sooner," he said quietly. Cloud knew the girls would assume it was in response to her earlier comment. He also knew Aerith wouldn't really understand the meaning behind them, but Cloud had wanted to say that to her, to Aerith's kind smile he'd missed for so long.
Aerith caught his hand in hers, and gave him a soft smile. Her voice was warm as she said, “You're here now, and that's all that matters.” Squeezing Aerith's hand gently in gratitude, Cloud reflected on how she always seemed to know what to say. Possibly it was because of her connection to the Planet, which gave her wisdom unlike other people, but Cloud always believed it was just Aerith's kind nature shining through.
The moment was broken as Poppy piped up from behind them, "Are you sure you aren't going out with Cloud?" Letting out a sigh, Cloud let his hand drop back to his side as he turned back to the giggling girls.
Aerith gave a delighted laugh, and when she turned her eyes back on Cloud they were full of mischief. “Well, if I didn't have Zack, maybe I would.” She crouched down beside the flowers and began to split them up into careful, manageable bouquets. “You know, Zack saved me from three monsters when we first met. And Cloud has protected me from monsters as well. I think they're both cool.”
Cloud reached out a hand to tug on a lock of Poppy's hair in mild reprimand for the tease, before he knelt on the wooden floor to help the three girls finish gathering the flowers together. Whatever else, Cloud knew his chance with Aerith had long since passed. He didn't regret it; it had been born from two lonely people finding comfort in the shadow of a familiar memory.
With only the minimum of bickering between the girls, Cloud managed to divide up the flowers between them for the journey back to Aerith's house. Poppy as the eldest had claimed rights to carrying the basket, with Violet and Annabelle carefully cradling their armfuls of bouquets. Straightening up from his position on the floor, Cloud caught Aerith's eye and gave a rueful shrug. He'd had some practice dealing with little girls because of Marlene, and it wasn't hard to translate that behavior with these three.
His boots tapped quietly on the wooden floor as Cloud silently led the way to the doors. The three girls trailed after him in a line, while Aerith brought up the rear. One gloved hand pushed open a leaf of the door and Cloud stopped cold at the sight that greeted him. Zack stood on the pathway in front of the church in hurried conversation with one of the street kids. His friend's head snapped up comically, eyes wide and a sheepish expression on his face at the sight of Cloud framed in the doorway. There was a light bump at his back as Poppy ran into Cloud, unprepared for the sudden halt in movement, and Cloud glanced back over his shoulder. Aerith was far enough back as to not have seen Zack yet, but the girls were craning their necks to see what had caused Cloud to stop.
Stupid…if Zack didn't want Aerith to see him, why had he come to the one spot she was guaranteed to be at? Before Cloud could think of a distraction, Zack solved the dilemma for him by grabbing the kid and literally diving behind the piles of debris that littered the area. Cloud winced at the rattling clang.
"Hey, wasn't that-" Annabelle began.
"A dog," Cloud interrupted. It was hardly the most creative of excuses, but Cloud couldn't be bothered to think up a better one. It was Zack's fault, anyway. Cloud stifled a grin at the quiet exclamation the comment provoked from the hidden SOLDIER.
"A dog?" Poppy asked, skepticism on her face as she leaned around Cloud. She slipped one hand into his belt to keep her balance as she exaggerated the move, the basket of flowers swinging from her free arm.
"Mmm," Cloud hummed noncommittally. He was sure he heard a light titter from Violet, but when he looked over his shoulder again the girl's face was as impassive as ever.
"That's right!" Annabelle said brightly, her voice overly loud. "It was a big black dog! I wonder if it's lost?" Cloud let out a breath of a laugh at the unconvincing tone and started forward again.
"What, seriously?" Poppy hopped forward as Cloud moved. She released his belt to walk on her own again. "That's so boring. I thought it was a monster or something. Hey Cloud, you'll come save me if I get attacked, won't you?"
He winced at the wording that echoed Tifa's question from so long ago. It surprised him how much that still hurt, how much he still felt he was unable to save those who were counting on him. What could he say to the girl's innocent query? Cloud wasn't able to lie, but he also wasn't able to promise such a thing. Not again. Maybe never again.
He was saved from replying as Annabelle kicked at Poppy's calves, while being careful of the flowers she still held. "Stupid. Why would Cloud come save a skinny twit like you?" The insult wasn't serious, just a joke among good friends.
"He certainly wouldn't save an immature little kid like you," was the quick retort. Poppy turned around to skip backward a few steps as she stuck her tongue out at her friend.
"Cloud is too busy with his important stuff to worry about that," Violet murmured, her quiet interjection breaking up the imminent fight.
The girls kept up their banter all through the Sector 5 market area, sometimes breaking off to examine a curiosity more closely, but always trailing back to Cloud's side before too long. Aerith had fallen in beside him and Cloud was glad of her company. It was nice, he reflected, just to be with Aerith without Zack's boundless energy around them. Cloud always felt like an intruder in his friend's time together despite Zack's reassurances.
So while he had the chance, Cloud enjoyed his time together with Aerith. It helped distract him from the issue that had been looming over his mind for the past few weeks, like a toothache that hurt every time it was involuntarily prodded. Sephiroth's actions on the Condor mission still brought up a riot of emotions in Cloud, ones that he didn't like to think about. While he'd reluctantly shared with Zack the basics of what had happened, Cloud had not been able to admit the shameful feeling of enjoyment that he'd experienced in the exhilarating fight. Every time he thought about it, the memory burned white-hot in his mind, of Sephiroth's calculating, sane expression, of Cloud pitting his strength against the hero he'd once longed to be like.
He was still wary, still couldn't forgive or forget what he'd been through at the hands of that madman, but after his realization at Zack's expense, Cloud had made a conscious effort to separate the people from his past life from their incarnation of his present. That also meant separating the dark feelings of hatred from the silver-haired man, and what was left behind scared Cloud more than he wanted to admit. The sparring match with Zack had opened up other avenues for his mind to wander down, the inevitable conclusions always leaving Cloud feeling conflicted and mentally worn.
Ahead of them the three girls had picked up their pace as they started onto the path that lead toward Aerith's home. Beside him, Aerith slowed her steps before she stopped completely. “Uhm, Cloud...I....” As quickly as the words started, she shook her head and gave him a fast smile. “No, never mind. It's nothing,” she said almost breathlessly. Aerith spun away from him, and darted over to join the three girls as they headed for her mother. Cloud could only frown after her.
“Welcome back, dear,” Elmyra greeted her warmly. “I see you've got some helpers today.”
“Cloud brought them along,” Aerith replied.
“He has good taste,” Elmyra praised. She looked down at the eagerly grinning trio, her hands propped on her hips then nodded thoughtfully. “Aerith, we're running low on the cloth we use to make ribbons. Why don't you take Cloud and get some more from the market. These three can help me get started on the arrangements.”
“Oh, could we?”
“Please?”
“I've never...done something like that.”
Aerith gave a bright laugh at the trio's pleading and nodded as she accepted a handful of gil from her mother. “Okay, Mama. You three have fun, and we'll be back soon.” Aerith hurried back to Cloud's side, and gave him a faint, shy smile. “Shall we go, then?”
"Bye Cloud!" Poppy and Annabelle chorused, waving energetically from the steps.
"Come back soon." Violet's voice barely reached Cloud's ears over her friends' boisterous cheer.
Raising a hand to acknowledge the girls' chorus of farewells, Cloud inclined his head in agreement to Aerith's suggestion. He was curious what had prevented her question earlier. It sounded like something was bothering her, but not necessarily something bad. Was he unconsciously making her uncomfortable? It was easy to forget that she didn't know him that well, since he had 'known' Aerith for years. While he didn't know this Aerith as well as his other Aerith, at the heart of it she was still the kind woman he'd met in another life.
Uncertainty filled Cloud as they made their way down the path, the road between Aerith's house and the market surprisingly clear of people at this time of day. He was….bad at starting conversations. Most of the time he just let Zack fill the silence, which his friend was happy to do. Cloud wanted to talk to Aerith, wanted to assure her that she could trust him, wanted to confide in her some of the worries that he could tell no one else. Back in the other life, Tifa had opened herself to him for that position. Cloud hadn't been able to overcome his guilt enough to take her up on the offer.
Cloud regarded Aerith quietly for a moment, as he remembered his promise to Zack. Even if he could find the words, he wouldn't be able to confide in her. Not without breaking his word and putting Aerith, and his secrets, in danger. Cloud respected Zack's decision to keep Aerith as safe as possible while they still had the time. He wouldn't be the one to jeopardize that until his friend thought it was time.
Their progress had taken them close enough that Cloud could hear the buzz of raised voices from the busy marketplace. He glanced surreptitiously at Aerith. She seemed to be lost in thought, her fingers touched lightly at her lower lip, brows creased, and face downward turned. Cloud was content to let her be despite his wish to converse. When she noticed he was watching her, Aerith flushed slightly and offered an embarrassed smile. She absently clasped her fingers together, the gil her mother had given her caught between her fingers. “You're...very patient,” she said.
Cloud blinked, the only show of his surprise at her comment. "They're good kids," he replied as he turned his attention back to their progress. Ahead of them, the market stalls were now in view, and people bustled to and fro while the shop owners hawked their wares. "It's…nice, to watch over them." Not all the children of the slums were as carefree as Poppy and her friends. In fact, a majority of them were hellions who adopted the slum's gritty way of life with enthusiasm as they tried to prove they were the toughest.
He hadn't really thought about it before, but to an outsider it might seem like he was patient. Mostly because even now he was still adjusting to the time shift and he'd yet to spend much time with anyone who got on his nerves. The Reno of the other life could attest to Cloud's lack of patience when it came to certain people. It was much easier to be patient with children who'd yet to learn the conscious cruelty that adults seemed to cultivate with ease.
With a dismissive shake of his head, Cloud gave Aerith a slightly awkward shrug. "People overlook children too often." Like when they are sick and dying on the streets, with no hope and no one to comfort them.
Even Cloud hadn't been able to offer anything to those stricken by the geostigma. Every young face that turned in his direction had aggravated the guilt that dug at his heart. Until Denzel, all Cloud had been able to do was watch and suffer silently with them. Cloud had thought Denzel a gift from Aerith at the time, a way to seek forgiveness, but as he grew closer to the boy he'd come to care for him as more than that. When the geostigma had taken a turn for the worse, in both Cloud and Denzel, Cloud had begun distancing himself from Tifa's home. If he were to die from the disease, if he were unable to find a cure for Denzel, at least he would already have been gone by the time it was too late.
It had been a selfish act. Denzel and Marlene had enjoyed his company, which slowly turned into visits, which became less and less frequent over time. In a way, Cloud had failed them too, by not being there for their suffering. It was one more regret atop the mountain of others that Cloud had lived through. Denzel had been alone in the world, and had put so much of his trust and love into Cloud. Cloud never felt like he deserved it, but had guiltily coveted the boy's attention anyway. As he brought his attention back to Aerith, Cloud comforted himself with the thought that he'd make sure this world would be better for Denzel in the future.
“Not just them,” Aerith said. The pair had come to a stop just at the end of the path where it merged with the more traveled area of the market. The shop they were heading toward was just ahead of them, and a little off to the right. A fond smile colored her expression. “You're patient with Zack, too... and me.” Aerith looked down, her attention on her fingers. She couldn't seem to look up at Cloud as she bashfully admitted, “You look at me like you see a strong person, and that gives me courage to do things.”
Cloud stood for a moment as he considered Aerith's words. He hadn't realized just how unsure of herself Aerith was. The woman he'd met had been a driving force, and coupled with her other-worldly knowledge had easily seemed to be both competently confident, yet open and warm at the same time. Even now, Cloud could easily see how Aerith would grow into that woman. In a way she had been right; he did treat her as if she was a strong person. But that was because she was, now and in the future.
"You're my friends," he said earnestly, and reveled in the warm feeling that he could say it with confidence. There was no doubt now, no false memories to play with his insecurities. "And I know you are strong, Aerith." It wasn't a matter of time; Aerith as she was now was a shining presence in his life, and more especially in Zack's. She gave her mother strength and spread her warmth around without prejudice or hesitation. Maybe she'd become a better fighter, or gain more confidence, or become better traveled, but those were merely ornaments to her personality.
Unlike him… Cloud looked away from Aerith, and fought against the familiar feeling of guilt. She had forgiven him, in that future, and here and now there was nothing for him to feel ashamed of. He tried to remind himself of that, and block out the memory of her surprised look of pain as the Masamune struck home. There were times when Cloud wished he could push the memories of that gone future into the same black hole corner of his mind, yet even as they hurt him, they helped remind Cloud of why he was trying so hard, why he'd been given another chance to set things right.
"You and Zack are good people," Cloud surprised himself by continuing. He hadn't meant to say it, as it skirted too close to secrets he was supposed to keep from Aerith, but now that he had, the words forced themselves out. "You're always trying to help…everyone. Even when they…don't…deserve it." And that only brought forth the memory of heated green eyes, and the ringing of sword against sword as Cloud fought a man he'd thought irredeemable. If it was possible for even Sephiroth to be saved, what did that mean for Cloud? What did that make him, who'd only been able to kill the madman instead of finding a way….
Cloud ran a hand through his hair, aware it was one of those nervous twitches he'd picked up from his false Zack persona. His thoughts were getting dangerously dark, and he snorted in morbid humor as he realized he was sounding more like Vincent on one of his bad days. The former Turk was possibly the only person quieter and more reclusive than Cloud. Is that where Cloud was headed, by pushing his friends away like he had? He didn't dislike Vincent, and understood where the man's pessimistic attitude stemmed from. But it was a sad, lonely life.
He turned his gaze back to Aerith, aware he'd gone silent as his mind wandered. "I like you and Zack," he said quietly, and shrugged a shoulder as he was unable to put to words how much that meant.
Aerith gave a puff of a laugh. “Thank you,” she said softly. “At first I wasn't very sure but...” She paused, and shook her head. “I'm glad we're friends. You know, I don't think Zack or I think of it that way. I think everyone is deserving of help. There are no points or ways to show who's deserving and who isn't. It would be helpful if people just asked for help, but I think a lot of them don't know how.” She moved closer to him, and hesitantly she reached out to lay her hand on his arm.
“You're a good person too, Cloud. You help people without them even asking. I've seen it. You've helped me, and Zack, and those three girls. I'm sure you've helped many more people as well. It's why we like you. You have a big heart.” She smiled at him, eyes crinkling slightly, then laughed. “Well, I'm sure Zack would say there was more to it than that, and probably say something embarrassing but he's not here right now.” Shaking her head faintly she turned back toward the Market. “Come on, let's go talk to Mr. Hawkins. If we're too gloomy Zack will show up and be forced to make you smile, and you know how persistent he is.”
It must be nice, Cloud reflected, to be able to believe so strongly in people. Cloud had trouble believing in himself, even with so many others reassuring him. 'It wasn't his fault', 'he'd done his best', 'there was nothing he could have done'.… If he was really that good, then why did they have to make excuses for him? Cloud bit back a sigh. Sometimes having a good heart wasn't enough. Zack and Aerith had been the best of people, and still they had…. But that wouldn't happen here. Cloud had promised himself that one way or another he'd make sure the tragedies he'd suffered through wouldn't happen again. Doubt flitted across the back of his mind; since when had it mattered what a failure promised?
With a physical shake of his head, Cloud dismissed the pessimistic thoughts that continued to plague him. He was supposed to be enjoying his time with Aerith right now. Alright, technically he was supposed to be keeping her busy while Zack ran around doing who knew what, but in the end it amounted to the same thing. Taking a few quick steps to bring himself to Aerith's side as they entered the market proper, he offered her a small smile for her words. They'd been offered freely, and Cloud appreciated how much Aerith could trust in him, despite how little she really knew about him. Which only drove in the point she'd been making. It really didn't matter to her what a person was like, so long as there was something in them still worth saving.
(And is he worth saving?)
The thought twisted through his mind like poison, despite his effort to stop it. He didn't want to think about Sephiroth right now, or the riot of emotions surrounding that problem. But it seemed he couldn't stop, the weight of their last encounter burned like embers in his memories, ready to spark into flame at the barest prod. It would be better, smarter to talk with Zack again, and come clean about everything that had happened while his friend was away.
How could he, though? The only thing wrong was Cloud's own twisted perceptions and emotions, feelings he couldn't seem to put aside for fear of what was left behind. The images of Zack's slumped and defeated form, the pain in his expression when he'd confronted Cloud, were still stark in his mind. Even if Zack had forgiven Cloud's twisted view of him, what did that mean for the...others Cloud had dishonored in his selfish ignorance?
"What…if you knew someone would hurt you?" Again, the words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. But Cloud needed an answer, needed Aerith's calm guidance now more than ever, since he couldn't bring himself to trouble Zack.
If Tifa had been there, Cloud could have turned to her for a ready ear. Tifa wouldn't judge him, regardless of her own feelings for the madman. Despite her blind emotional reactions when she was younger, Tifa had been forced to mature to deal with Cloud's own brand of insanity. She had chosen to become Cloud's support, when she could have continued on to live a happy life without him. Perhaps the dip in the Lifestream had also changed her in ways that no one had yet realized. But Tifa wasn't here now, wouldn't ever be the same kind and understanding woman Cloud had known, not exactly.
"What if…you didn't think you could stop them?"
(What if you were afraid you wouldn't be able to save them?)
Ahead of him, Aerith paused, lingering and thoughtful. “I think,” she said slowly, “that you can't really know if anyone will ever hurt you. You can guess, and you can worry, but in the end it's their choice whether or not they do, and so many things can lead to that choice.” She turned to him, her fingers twined shyly into her dress, and a quiet little smile marking her expression. “Before I met Zack, I thought all SOLDIERs were nothing but monsters who craved battle,” she said, her voice barely carrying over the hubbub around them. “They...frightened me. But, I'm so glad I met Zack. He's...” She shrugged self-conscious, and the smile she gave Cloud now was slightly tremulous, but it held up.
“It's...” She paused and she laughed softly, her face lighting with an expression of epiphany. “It's like tending a garden. We all sow the seeds, and have to deal with what grows out of them, but if they're growing poorly that doesn't mean we can't move them to a more sunny part of the garden, or to a bigger pot.” Aerith touched a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “In gardening you sometimes get certain kinds of plants that will overrun the rest of the garden, so you have to be careful with them. A vine in the wrong place will choke a tree, or a certain type of flower will push everything else out of the flowerbed. You see? You just have to nurture the seeds right and make sure they grow properly.”
A gust of breath left him, the shake in it so slight Cloud was probably the only one to pick it up, as Aerith's words washed over him. He felt the knot of worry loosen, both his mind and body relaxing despite the near-nonsensical comparison she was making. That was like her, though; both unaware of the true meaning behind Cloud's words, yet able to understand what was being asked.
He'd heard Zack say over and over that they would change things, that it would be different this time since they were together and prepared, but deep down Cloud had been afraid. Afraid he'd fail his friend again, afraid Zack would die again, afraid they wouldn't be able to stop Sephiroth's fall into madness… Zack didn't know what they were facing, not the way Cloud did. But hearing reassurance from Aerith, however roundabout, filled Cloud with the warm glow of confidence.
It brought a new perspective to his fight with Sephiroth, too. Maybe the seeds he was sowing would be enough to change the ill fated path they were heading down. If Sephiroth was interested in Cloud, then he wasn't taking the time to find out more about Jenova or the Ancients. That could be enough of an anchor, until the threat of Jenova and Hojo could be eliminated for good. The thought was both terrifying and thrilling. Cloud wasn't sure he wanted to be the center of focus in Sephiroth's world, but couldn't deny how much it shook him up when he wasn't.
Cloud had spent enough time worrying about Sephiroth today. Any further, and he'd come too close to breaking his promise to Zack. He was curious, however, as to why Aerith had been so frightened of SOLDIERs before Zack. ShinRa, or even the Turks was understandable, but she had specifically mentioned SOLDIERs.
"In Nibelheim…we only heard a few rumors about SOLDIER." Cloud wasn't sure why he was sharing this, except that he didn't want to be left to his own thoughts again. Aerith chased away the shadows. He stepped in close to her as they broke into the mild crowd that populated the Sector 5 market place, both to provide her with some protection from other pedestrians and to ensure she could hear him without him having to raise his voice over much. "Mostly it was about…the General. All of it was ShinRa propaganda. Many of the adults didn't approve, but the children dreamed of traveling to Midgar, to become like…to become a SOLDIER.
"I think…I was one of the only ones to actually leave, though," he added, brow furrowing as he tried to sort through his hazy memories. As big as the other children had talked, they'd been the types to remain safely at home when real danger lurked. Cloud had left, proud and scared to be the first, to become a SOLDIER and come back to show them all how much better, how much braver than them he was. "My mother…" He paused as an amalgam of confusion, grief, and uncertainty at the thought of the strong, blonde woman passed through him. "Probably didn't want me to go, but she didn't stop me, either."
Cloud fell silent, aware he'd been talking more freely now than he'd done in a while. It was a strange sensation, but not unpleasant when it was Aerith he was talking to. He stopped walking as she did, glancing over to a stall with many different colors of ribbons on display. Their time was almost over, and Cloud found himself loathed to let it end. As if in answer to his dilemma, Cloud looked up to see a familiar dark figure in deep conversation with another man further up the road, alongside a pile of lumber. When he caught sight of Cloud, Zack quickly put a finger to his lips in a shushing motion, before mouthing 'distract her' at him. Then he turned back to the man who was already looking impatient at the SOLDIER's presence. At Cloud's side, Aerith wasn't looking in that direction, and so had not seen Zack yet.
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his friend's audacity, Cloud tilted his head down to Aerith, turning her gently back up the road. "Let's go to Wall Market instead." She gave him a quick, amiable-if not baffled-smile and a nod.
“You hear a lot of things about SOLDIER here,” she said quietly, picking up the thread of their conversation. “About how fierce they are...about how they...have something done to them to...make them the way they are. Something worse than the mako. But, I don't believe that makes them monsters anymore. Zack isn't a monster, and...and neither are many of the others.”
Cloud looked at Aerith out of the corner of his eye. He was aware, vaguely, of what she hadn't said. Aerith was sensitive to the Planet, had been even before their adventures. He could remember Elmyra recounting the story of how she'd found Aerith at the train station, and later how Aerith had informed her of her husband's passing. It wasn't surprising that Aerith was uncomfortable around enhanced people, then. Did that mean she could sense a difference in him as well?
They were passing through the mess of the broken highway now, and Cloud kept his senses alert for the monsters he knew liked to lurk there. He hopped up onto a ledge where the concrete road had split, the earth itself having shifted at some point to raise the section of road a few feet above the other. Bits of gravel crunched under his boots as he reached down, Aerith's slim hand sliding into his gloved one as he pulled her up after him. When she was standing next to him, he didn't immediately let go of her hand. There was no sensation of warmth through the thick leather, just a feeling of pressure that reassured him of Aerith's presence.
"…Sometimes, it's those who appear normal that are the real monsters," he murmured. Cloud knew what made a real monster, how far a human would stoop to fulfill their ambitions. Hojo was the best and worst example of this, but there were others. Heidegger, Scarlet, and Palmer. President Shinra. It was not surprising that they all were associated with ShinRa. The company provided wealth and power, and anonymity for darker ambitions.
His hand gave a convulsive squeeze on Aerith's, before he released her and started walking again. ShinRa, even under Rufus' dubious management, would never hold anything better than contempt in Cloud's mind. They had done too much to the world, destroyed too much that Cloud held dear.
“Don't worry so much, silly. Sometimes things don't have to be complicated. Besides,” Aerith said cheerfully. “It's so much better to smile, isn't it?” Her words trailed off abruptly at the sight of a monster's mangled body, the legs still twitching, just ahead of them. Looking further ahead there lay a scraggly dog's body splayed out in the middle of the cracked concrete, right over the yellow lines that marked where the center of the road had been. The pitted concrete was spattered with blood, and around it a small host of Whole Eaters were scrabbling and clicking as they tore into the body.
Aerith gave a strangled little sound and backed up a few paces, her hand immediately flying to her mouth. One of the slim, worm like monster backed away on its four thin legs and turned toward them, hissing through its gaping, tooth ringed mouth. It wobbled back and forth, multifaceted eyes glowing eerily in the under-plate gloom. It hissed, mock charged, then backed away again. Sword already in hand, Cloud automatically reached out and gripped Aerith's arm, and dragged her back further until she was behind him. Another of the monsters swarmed up over the dead dog's body. A moment later it seemed he wouldn't need the blade at all. With another hiss and crackle of moving legs the little beasts scuttled away over the broken rubble to disappear into the wide cracks in it.
Cloud kept his sword at the ready as he reached for Aerith's arm again, pulling her down the road and keeping himself between her and the bloody mess until they reached Sector 6's playground.
“Can we...take a break?” Aerith asked softly.
Cloud pushed the irritation the sudden interruption had caused back, then gave Aerith what he hoped was a reassuring nod. Aerith's obvious fear and horror didn't set well with Cloud, but there hadn't been anything he could do to lessen the gory scene they'd walked in on. Some part of his anger must have bled out, and sent the Whole Eaters scattering. Part of Cloud was glad they had, to spare Aerith more distress, but the other part wished they'd given him an excuse to indulge in the mindless violence the fight would have provided.
The slide of his sword scraping against its sheath as he re-holstered it seemed over loud in the deserted playground. The only other sound was Aerith's soft footfalls crunching lightly across loose gravel as she made her way to the small play structure that was the centerpiece of the park. She sat tentatively on the bottom of the slide, her arms still around her middle and her gaze focused on the ground at her feet. Cloud trailed after, uncertain what sort of comfort he should offer.
Monster attacks weren't uncommon, and were something that Cloud had become numb to over the years. It was surprising that Aerith was still so sensitive to them, yet somehow Cloud wished that innocence would never leave her. Unfortunately the monsters of the world had different ideas. It would have been nice if they had chosen a different day to eat their meal in the middle of the road. At least the corpse of the dead dog would be long gone by the time Aerith and he came back this way. Likely the monsters would return to finish their meal, but there was always the possibility of a desperate slum dweller making off with it for a meal or a quick profit.
His sword sheath pressed into his back as Cloud leaned against the side of the slide above Aerith. A noise made him glance around, and he spotted a man scuttling quickly for Wall Market. Otherwise the area was completely deserted. It reminded him of his other future, when he and that Aerith had spent a moment here as well. He couldn't remember now, what they had discussed. The sight of Tifa on the back of the Don's wagon had distracted them both, and the conversation was lost to the mists of memory. Not one of Cloud's strong points, to be sure.
Cloud glanced down at Aerith's bowed head again. If he'd been Zack-and he tried not to let the irony of that thought shake him-he'd have said something to lighten the situation and draw Aerith out of her dampened mood. Instead, Cloud hesitantly reached out a hand. He paused an inch from her hair, before he completed the move and ran his hand through her hair gently. He was careful not to snag his gloves on her ribbon, and for a moment saw the winking shine of the materia Aerith kept tied carefully there. Holy, he realized numbly. Why had he forgotten she had it, had always had that precious materia?
The urge to tell Aerith everything welled up inside him; surely she'd understand, and it would be such a relief to have his Aerith back again. The moment passed quickly leaving Cloud feeling mildly ill as guilt swirled in his chest. This was not, and would never be the Aerith he'd left behind. His promise to Zack, and the knowledge that Cloud was once again trying to push his own feelings on his friends kept his jaw clenched tight against the desire to speak.
Aerith silently leaned back into Cloud's touch and took the comfort that he offered. After a long moment during which Cloud could see her visibly relax, she said, “I'm sorry. It's...silly, but I can't help but feel so...sad when I see that sort of thing.” Even more quietly, as if only to herself she murmured, “Though, I'm a little happy too.”
Cloud stared off across the playground, his eyes unfocused as he warred within himself. The empty silence of the park gave the world a muffled quality, a quiet susurration from the distant Wall Market bustle that was barely on the edge of hearing the only noise. Without Zack's boundless energy to constantly pull Cloud out of his thoughts, and with Aerith just on the edge of sight, it felt like one of his waking dreams of her. Perhaps that was why he allowed his tongue to be looser than was wise.
"Do you think…everyone can be happy, when they return to the Lifestream?" There had been a time, twice, three times that Sephiroth had returned to the Lifestream. The first time he showed up after his death had been unexpected, even more-so once they realized that it wasn't that Sephiroth had survived his fall into the mako, but that he had returned from it. The more they learned about the life's blood of the Planet in their travels-from Bugenhagen, from Aerith and the Ancients-the more terrifying the realization became. They had fought, and they had won, and sent Sephiroth back into the green eternity.
But that hadn't stopped Sephiroth from calling Cloud to him for one final duel. The fight itself had been as surreal as Cloud's waking visions, and ironically had probably been one of the first he'd experienced. Unlike his visions of Aerith and Zack, however, Cloud had looked full on into the eyes of the madman who demanded they pit swords against each other, that one of them would be destroyed utterly.
It should have been over. They had saved the Planet, which had risen to its own defense against the burning blight that had been Meteor. For a while the peace had seemed too good to be true, until at last it proved false as the geostigma hit. The encroaching decay sucked the life out of the people, sending the world toward destruction as effectively as Meteor had. And Sephiroth had returned again, with a promise and a threat.
I will never be just a memory.
There was a jerk of movement suddenly stilled out of the corner of his eye, as Aerith froze stiffly on her seat. After a pause of several seconds she asked, "You...know about the Lifestream?"
Cloud nodded absently, mind still lost in green-tinted memories. "I...visited Cosmo Canyon. There was...it was confusing, but it was explained that all creatures return to the Lifestream." Nanaki's grandfather had done his best to explain it in as simple of terms as he could. Cloud knew he'd never understand the flow of life the way he had, or the way Aerith had. Sephiroth seemed to defy their explanations, as well. Swallowing against a lump in his throat, Cloud asked quietly, "But...what if someone refuses to rest?"
Aerith stood up suddenly and took a few steps away from him. He stared at her, eyes slightly wide in surprise at her sudden move. Her fingers fiddled with her skirt, and she refused to look at him. "I'm.... not sure I know what you're talking about." There was an odd tremor to her voice that couldn't be disguised no matter how hard she tried.
Abruptly Cloud realized he had slipped again, had forgotten how much of his knowledge wasn't common in this time and place. His promise to Zack rang accusingly in his ears as he mumbled, "...Ah, sorry. It was just...a foolish thought." He had become too relaxed with Zack's open and knowing presence. Making such a mistake with Aerith was regrettable, but not the disaster it could have been if Cloud had slipped in front of Sephiroth, or one of the Turks.
She gathered herself and turned, a smile on her face that didn't quite meet her eyes. "No, it's not. A lot of people wonder about things like that. What happens after death...after we...lose someone." She glanced away, almost as if afraid to meet his eyes. Her fingers were still caught in the white material of her dress. "There's no reason to be sorry for that."
Pushing himself upright, Cloud took a hesitant step toward Aerith. He hadn't meant to stir up her own sorrows and dark memories. For a few heartbeats, the silence stretched between them, tense but not unpleasant. There was something in her posture that indicated upset though she was, Aerith hadn't shut out his fumbled attempts to express the heavy weight of guilty and conflicting feelings he'd been carrying since the mission with Sephiroth. Would it be more harmful now to let it drop, to pretend that he hadn't upset and confused her? Was his own confusion worth alienating their tentative connection over? Cloud couldn't bring himself to leave things as they were. He needed to at least try to explain; he owed her that much.
"I was told, once, that...that they would never be just.... There's no way to stop someone, if they refuse to stay in your memories," he said hoarsely. For most people, it would have merely been bravado as they went down with a snarl instead of a scream, but Sephiroth was different; it was a promise that he would keep.
Aerith's eyes took on a determined glint, and she stepped closer, sat back down, and caught hold of his hand. She kept her gaze on their linked hands, and absently plucked at his glove as if to distract herself. Cloud held still as her voice rang softly in calm, melancholic tones, "Memories...good or bad, I think, can sometimes be more hurtful than the real thing."
"...You can't escape them..." he said, and tried to keep the haunted pain out of his voice. Cloud had tried, oh how he'd tried to escape his memories, his failures, his pain. It had left him so broken that he often lost sight of who he was, where he'd come from, what he was fighting for. Even now it was hard to keep the horrors at bay, and to keep himself moving forward at all.
"You never can," she agreed, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Her eyes turned up to catch his, and he could see her earnest belief shining in their green depths. (Not the same color, but just as striking.) "But that doesn't mean you can't come to terms with them."
There was a lump in his throat, and Cloud could feel the weight of Aerith's understanding acceptance boring into him. She didn't know what he'd done, how he'd failed to save so many people. He'd failed her, even if it no longer was her at all. He'd failed Zack, and Tifa, and betrayed his friends. Most confusing of all, Cloud now felt he'd also failed Sephiroth, that he hadn't been able to see past the monster he'd presented to the world to find the man who'd been lost. Cloud could see it now, the quiet, competent man, who was still full of arrogance though it wasn't unearned. There was no madness, no hatred, only a thrill of discovery as new facets were unearthed with each interaction.
"When memories are full of regrets…" he paused, closing his eyes to block out Aerith's unwavering look. "When all that's left is hate…. How are you supposed to feel when…when even that is gone?"
"I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel, Cloud but...I think that's your heart's way of letting you know you've moved on."
Cloud hadn't realized he'd sunk to his knees, until the hard press of gravel dug into him through his pants. He pressed their joined hands to his forehead for a moment as he let her words sink into his mind. (Is that all? Is it as simple as that?) To be able to let go of the hatred, and all of the horrible memories, to just live in the moment and find anew what sort of people his friends were…it was moving on past the dark, cloying memories that he'd allowed to hold him back for too long.
Cloud remembered feeling like this, in the church immediately after he'd banished the Other the final time. He had thought then too that something had changed, that the world seemed brighter. He'd lost that feeling when he'd been thrust into his own private nightmare, lined with broken dreams. Those broken dreams were mending under Zack's brilliant care, Aerith's understanding love, and even Sephiroth's fascinating enigma.
Part 2