Wesley for x_standtogether (Was posted as a three-parter)
This is a Xover game with Stephen King's 'The Stand'.
The Beginning of the End, part 1
Tell me how am I suppose to live without you.
Now that I've been loving you so long.
How am I suppose to live without you.
And how am I suppose to carry on, when all that I've been living for is gone.
Pylea. Plyea was Hell. Sure there were some things that weren’t Hell. Angel being able to walk in the sun and see himself in the mirror, Cordelia being made a princess. But all in all, it was pure Hell. I still remember every face of each and every soldier I’d send to the death for the freedom of others. It was Hell, wrapped up in Paradise.
I was extremely euphoric about finding our way back home with the help of Fred. Couldn’t wait to get back to our Dimension. It retrospect it was fairly simple, if one had the correct calculations, which Fred had, and the right books and spells, which I had.
What we didn’t know was we were about to exchange a Hell where we’d be able to live for one where we were about to die.
And we didn’t even notice.
Didn’t notice anything as we crashed into Lorne’s bar. Didn’t notice anything when we drove outside. Didn’t notice anything odd about the dark city, power-outage we figured. Didn’t notice anything about the smell of death, paranoid from our stay in Pylea Lorne figured. Didn’t notice anything about the fires here and there, the gun sounding in the air, riot Gunn figured, it happens and it happened again.
Didn’t think anything that bad when we walked into the Hyperion and were greeted by them. Our…friends from Sunnydale. The Slayer and her friends. Some of her friends.
That’s when we still didn’t notice. But we were told.
Xander was the one who told us. Dawn on the sofa being held by some blonde girl introduced as Tara, Willow’s girlfriend. Another blonde standing away from the group a bit being introduces as Anya, she looked vaguely familiar.
They were lucky, we were informed. Most families hadn’t been so lucky as to stay together. Xander told us between hacking up his lungs that there had been a flu, a terribly flu called Captain Trips which was wiping out humanity.
Willow had been the first to die, shortly there after Giles. Then the town of Sunnydale slowly started to become war zone. People were dying everywhere, people trying to get out of the small Hell. But they had no place to go it turned out as the group from Sunnydale had made their own way out. Leaving most everything they owned behind.
People were dying all over the place and no one knew what to do about it.
We all reacted in our own ways.
Angel pulled away somewhere private with Buffy and we didn’t see them for several days.
Gunn dashed out of the Hyperion, wanting to see how his crew was, his kids.
Lorne went out to see if his demon friends knew something… We never saw him again.
Cordelia and I just looked at each other and then I ran into the office to research and she started to become a general and ordered everyone around for food, rooms, blankets.
It looked like we were going to be stuck here for some time.
Fred was the first to go. Xander and I dug a grave for her in the courtyard, one of many to come though we did not realize that at the time. I cried silent tears for the girl who had fought so hard to survive Pylea, hidden away in a cave and slowly going crazy. Only to finally make it back home to die in a most horrible and painful way.
It took her five days to die. All this time Cordelia, Dawn and Tara kept by her side, trying to make her comfortable. It had been useless to save her, but at least she died knowing she was cared for.
At least she didn't die alone, like she had to live for five years.
The service was small and…awkward. None of us had really known Fred so there wasn’t much that could be said.
Xander and I had taking up going out to gather food and… blood for Angel. Angel who had locked himself up in his room to brood. Buffy had come out but turned out to be a brooder as well. She went out most night and came back covered in blood. No one ever asked why or what and that worked out for everyone.
The first time Xander and I had gone to on our scavenger hunt had been my place. It felt less like stealing to ransack your own place for food, books, clothes, the likes. But with so many people that hadn’t been enough.
We went out every other day from then on. The sight that greeted us outside always was horrible, but after a while it was as though we were blind. We easily maneuvered our way through dead bodies rotting away in the burning sun, maggots eating dead flesh. Didn’t jump a mile high anymore when there was a gunshot in the silent air of the city. Didn’t look surprised when the store we had gone through one day had been burned down the next.
What we couldn’t get used to however was the smell. The smell of death and decay was something I could never get rid of since then.
We found an old transistor radio with batteries and a record player at some pawn shop. We took it with us, hoping that it might lighten up the mood that had began to sink over everyone. Buffy had becoming more and more depressed while Dawn and Tara held up each others spirits. Anya clung onto Xander while Cordelia and I tried to coax out Angel.
And tried not to look at the door at every sound in the hopes it may be Gunn returning.
He did return. He stumbled in while we were having our small impromptu party after we got the old fashioned record player to work. For a moment we’d been able to forget the horrors that laid outside and the fear we all kept in our hearts. The fear of who was going to be next and what were we going to do.
Dawn had just convinced me to dance, which I did awkwardly while she and Cordelia were kind enough to give me pointers. Tara was smiling in that serene way she got sometimes while Anya and Xander were taking over the dance floor. Even Angel and Buffy had come out of their hiding and seemed to forget their mystic destiny for a while.
The doors flew open, letting in the stench of rotting bodies, death, despair and anger from the outside world. Gunn stood there, looking pale, haggard and closer to death then even Angel.
“They’re all gone,“ he rasped. “He’s coming,” he told us, stumbling into the lobby. He coughed up some blood and didn’t stop to look at it. Staggering over to me he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down with him. “He’s coming!” he tried again desperately.
“You’re sick Charles,” I tried gently, easing the man to the floor. “You need to--”
“He’s coming, Wes! You need-need… to-to… get out.”
Cordy dropped to the floor next to me and started to mop Gunn’s head with some cloth she’d found. “Who’s coming?” she asked with a tremble in her voice. She glanced up at me and we both knew whom he meant, though we never talked about it.
“The dark man,” Gunn whispered and with it Charles Gunn blew out his last breath.
Dying from some stupid manmade flu instead of like the warrior he had been. Having lost everyone of his crew and coming back to warn the only friends he had left. And to die among these friends. It was a small comfort to give as we buried him next to Fred, but it was something.
Disaster struck again a few days later.
Xander and I were out on another of our scavenger hunts, this time taking Dawn with us. She’d been getting restless and had pointed out she was the Slayers sister and knew how to take care of herself. Recognizing her need to be useful and not be cooped up in the hotel first Xander and then I caved.
Something I’ve come to regret ever since.
We were paying attention, but not enough. When we walked into some store looking for food, clothes anything that could help us, we didn’t take the normal precautions we usually took. It had been weeks since we’d seen anyone. Humans, demons, anything. Sure we heard them from time to time, but that was it. Sounds in the far distance like a dream.
So when the shot from a gun ran out it came as a surprise to all of us. Dawn looked at me with huge blue eyes in a pale face and both of us looked at Xander’s shocked face. Which was when we noticed the blood on his chest and when he coughed… from his mouth.
He crumpled to the floor mere seconds later and spurred me into action. I dragged him behind some shelve, shouting at Dawn to follow me. Xander coughed again, something he’d been doing for a few days now. We all knew he was dying, but none of us was brave enough to say it.
“We’ll get you out of here,” Dawn sobbed, pulling off her sweater and pushing it against the wound.
It was bad, but it we could’ve gotten him to a hospital we still might have been able to save him. There weren’t any hospitals however, any doctors who could save him, or medication we could use to do it ourselves.
“Dawnie,” Xander whispered, reaching out a bloodied hand to touch her face gently. He left a smear of it on her forehead. “You need to get out of here. You…. Need to save ….yourself.”
“No!” she yelled, tears falling down her face “Don’t leave me, Xander. Don’t leave me too. Please, Please. Wes, you have to help him!”
Xander and I exchanged a look and I knew he was dying. Just like himself knew. “You spare gun?” he asked, his voice nothing more but a soft croak.
With a trembling hand I pulled it out and handed it to him. “Xander,” I tried more for Dawn’s sake then ours. “We could still…”
“Can it, Watcher Junior,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips. “Get them out of here. Go to… Go to Little Rock. Don’t let him get them. You gotta, Wes. Please.”
Sucking in my breath, I nodded at him once and the looked up when I heard the sounds from the back of the store coming closer. Mocking voices of humans, some demonic. It sounded like a gang, and a lot of beings in that gang.
Xander clutching my shirt made me look down at him again. “Go,” he whispered urgently. “Get out, take Dawn.”
Dawn started to cry harder. “Xander,” she pleaded, “No. We can carry you, please. You can’t die, Xander…”
Swallowing down my own tears I moved quickly. Grabbing a kicking and screaming Dawn and ran out like a coward. The sound of gun fire and shouting followed us all the way back to the hotel, if only in our ears.
That day Xander Harris died. He died like the hero he was, and not from some flu taking away everything he’d been fighting for so long.
Dawn never really forgave me for that, nor did she forgive Xander I think.
I did what he had asked though. We all knew it was time. There was nothing to keep us here and the hope in this Mother Abigail’s dreams were spurring us on. While we packed our meager things together Tara told us that Anya had left. Somehow she must’ve felt Xander dying and with him gone there was nothing left to keep her with us.
Cordelia and I tried to coax Angel out of his room, but he wouldn’t budge. Told us to go and save ourselves. He was going to wait for the dark man and fight him to the death. His. Cordelia and I looked at each other and thought the same, though none of us said it.
Heroic drama queen, our friend Angel. We didn’t want to leave him behind, but we had others to think of. Even Buffy agreed that if he wanted to stay here, then so be it. We said our goodbyes, through a door, and left. Cordelia with unshed tears in her eyes while I had to swallow hard to keep them down.
I wonder if I’ll ever see him again.
There were eleven of us in the beginning. There were five left to travel to Little Rock.
Only three of us would make it. Barely.
So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
*~*~*~*~
The Long Road, part 2
The road is long
With many a winding turns
That leads us to who knows where,
Who knows where.
But I'm strong,
Strong enough to carry them.
Getting out of Los Angeles alone was something I never want to go through again. There was death everywhere we looked. The smell was overwhelming the longer we stayed outside. We had to stay outside though if we wanted to get out of the city.
Cars were jamming up every road possible, the people who had been trying to get out still inside them. Having died right there on the spot. At first there had been the older bodies already half eaten by rats and those birds who were still around. Ravens, seagulls. Other birds seemed to have disappeared. A cat here and there but no dogs. No alive ones at any rate.
There was no way we could get out by car, which was the fastest way. I couldn’t load all backpacks and five people on my motorbike so we had to travel on foot.
It was a whole new kind of Hell.
The heat seemed to have intensified, making the stench of the death and destruction even worse then it already was. It was as if a bomb had dropped and obliterated all life. There was the odd gunshot here and there, but even that had been less then it had been weeks ago.
We saw the odd demon here and there, but with The Slayer with us and Tara and mine magical powers combined they stayed clear from us. If they were clever. Apparently most of them were satisfied to prey on the carnage around them.
It took us days to get even halfway to Los Angeles. We had learned the hard way to walk fast and not look. The horrors that had greeted us on the first days had left us all cold enough to cling onto each other at night to keep warm.
There had been the mother with the pram. The poor woman had been beaten and raped. When we looked inside the pram there was nothing left of the child but an arm and a leg.
There had been the car accident on some intersection, the one of many. The people had been at each other’s throats, gotten into a fight and killed each other. Their bodies falling to the street in a bloodied heap where demons and beasts of prey had rejoiced over a free meal.
The small boy, no more then eight, we had found hanging from a flag post with a rope around his neck and his heart torn out. ‘Anti Christ’ had been carved into the flesh of his chest as his naked body dangled in the wind.
Tara had become more and more withdrawn, the horrors we’ve been witnessing getting to her. Buffy had become more and more grim, going out and nights to get rid of her anger. She once again came back to wherever we were staying bloodied and beaten.
Cordelia and I were trying. Trying hard to keep up our usual bicker fights, trying to keep the hope alive, but even ours was fading quickly.
Dawn surprised both Cordelia and I by trying as well. I think after loosing Xander on top of everyone else we expected her to crumble. She did exactly the opposite. She was the one who kept spurring us on, kept telling us that Mother Abigail would know what to do, kept telling us we were going to kick this Dark man’s ass, because that was what we did.
I could tell it was forced though. She hardly believed a word of it herself.
When we were nearing the end of the city the chaos was getting more and more. We’d raided a store, our guilt over that having long since disappeared. We were lucky, finding some shoes to walk on for miles, since the shoes the girls were wearing and even I weren’t going to cut it.
We took some clothes, were even more lucky to find some water in bottles and got on our way again.
All in all it took us two weeks of horror which would forever be burned on our retina’s to get out of the City that no longer belonged to the Angels.
The heat was killing us all and we decided it was best we started traveling at night. It was as dangerous a night as it was by day now. Even less so for all of us, since we knew exactly what lurked in the night.
The travel was slow on foot, we hardly managed a few miles per day. Sometimes sleeping in a house we found by the road, or out in the open. We kept the fire going and one of us was always awake.
Buffy still went out night after night but she came back less bloodied and bruised. Until one day she came back looking devastated. I was sitting by the fire it being my turn to keep watch.
“She’s gone,” Buffy whispered, having long since forgotten how to cry. Just like the rest of us.
“Whom?” I asked, wondering who was left to loose. It took me a few moments to realize whom she was talking about before she told me.
“Faith,” she said, looking into the fire. “I felt it. She’s gone.”
And somewhere out there a new Slayer had been called. Probably even died only seconds later because there was no one to tell her what to do, who she was and why. I thought of the Council and then about my parents. It shocked me to realize I’ve never thought of them before now. With everything gone, phones, electricity, everything, there was no way I was ever going to know.
It sickened me to realize that… I didn’t really care.
Buffy and I decided not to tell the others that Faith was gone as well. We didn’t know how she had died, or when exactly and it didn’t matter. There was nothing we could do about it anyway, there was nothing we could do for her anymore. I think both Buffy and myself felt a little guilty for not having though of the other Slayer before, but with everything that was going on…there just hadn’t been time.
So we traveled on. Mile by mile, town by town, dream by nightmare.
We found a small river. A small break in our otherwise dismissal existence. I was shoo-ed away being a male, because the girls wanted to bathe. When I pointed out that perhaps I may want to bathe as well they all gave me a look and declared me a pervert.
For the first time in weeks there was a smile on my face when I pretended to slump off. I took my time looking around, found a rather large house that didn’t look as though it had been raided. We could spend the night in comfortable beds. Apparently a small family had lived here, giving us the opportunity to get some fresh clothes as well.
Which was really required. The dust from the road, the sweat, not being able to wash, it was taking it’s toll on us. We smelled, though we didn’t notice that until we were clean.
The girls returned, laughing and joking and looking fresh, clean. I glanced down at my own self in dismay, wrinkling my nose.
“I hope you left me some clean water,” I joked, looking up just in time to see Tara’s face go white.
It happened in a flash. There was no warning. No shouting, no roaring, no cries, no pain on her face. Just death as she toppled over and we all saw the tentacle going into her back and out her chest.
Dawn and Cordelia fell to their knees next to the girl, crying. Buffy cut off the tentacle and followed it with me right on her heels.
A demon creature hiding in the river, that could’ve killed all of them, was the cause. Buffy and I used it to get rid of all the rage we felt inside. Fighting it, beating it, slashing it to bits until all that was left was red water and bits and pieces of demon.
And even then the rage didn’t leave us.
We rushed back to find Tara still on the ground, cradled in Dawn’s lap. The girl had found some tears as she cried over her lost friends. “You weren’t supposed to die like this,” she sobbed. “You were supposed to grow old and witchy and dote on my kids with Willow.”
Cordelia had wrapped her arms around herself and didn’t say a word when my bloodied self came over and pulled her closer. Together we watched as Buffy knelt down next to Tara and brushed the hair from her face.
“We need to burry her, Dawn,” she whispered, pulling the tentacle out of the dead girls chest with a sickening squelching sound.
“I know that!” Dawn snapped. “But… it’s just… “ Her face crumpled and the tears she had held inside for so long finally broke free.
Buffy held her for hours, silent tears falling down her face as they cried for all they had lost.
Cordelia and I took care of Tara. We found a spot under an old tree we were sure Tara would have loved. Cordelia found the girl some flowerily dress inside the house and dressed her while I dug the grave. We were all silent as we lowered the sweet girl into the earth she had loved so much and had taken away so much. None of us by now had any words left, and those that had been left were said silently into our heads.
Tara would hear them either way.
Buffy and I washed up after the funeral and we all dragged ourselves into some fresh clothes. The need to survive bigger then our need to grief. We had lost so much by then, we had learned to grief inside.
We found another surprised inside the shed of the house. Two motor bikes, with gas to go with. Maybe our luck was changing after all. Or maybe we just got lucky. Once.
I spend the next days trying to teach Cordelia how to drive one of them. Buffy claimed to be to busy keeping an eye on things and I had declared Dawn to young.
Both Cordelia and Dawn had looked at me strangely at that, a small quirk tugging the corners of their lips.
“The world is dying,” Cordelia scoffed, “but leave it to you to cling onto some really stupid rules. Geeze Wes, could you be anymore… you?”
They indulged me anyway and left me to the frustration of teaching Cordelia how to drive a motor bike. I was suddenly extremely glad not to be riding on the back with her and remembered how well she didn’t drive Angel’s car back… back in ancient history.
In fact it took me a week to be even remotely certain enough she wouldn’t kill herself and whomever ended up behind her.
Things moved faster from then on. Instead of mere inches we traveled miles toward our destination.
Until the destination changed. Our dreams changed. The Dark Man was haunting all of us. Knowing all our fears and all our weakness. The girls talked about it, giving each other courage to deal with it. Dawn tried to get me to talk about it, but gave up after a while. Cordelia knew better and Buffy never bothered.
“What are you thinking about?” Cordelia asked one night, joining me as I sat outside looking up at the starts.
“Oh, this and…that,” I shrugged, wondering how everything out here could look so peaceful when the world had turned into hell on earth.
“Uh huh, you’re not sitting out here doing the whole self flagellating Wesley Watcher crap again are you?”
I looked at her sideways and raised my eyebrows. “Yes, because I am clever enough to develop some super flu while in another dimension… ow!” Glaring at her I rubbed the shoulder she just hit.
“So not what I’m talking about and you know it, wooly boy. I was talking about… about the others.”
She didn’t need to mention their names. I saw them every night in my nightmares with the dark man. Angel, Xander, Tara, Gunn, Lorne… Faith. “I could’ve… done more,” I admitted.
“Like what, you’re not Angel or Buffy…”
“I know that,” I snapped, feeling the sting of that one.
“Also not what I meant,” Cordelia trudged on as though I’d not interrupted her. “Notice how everyone turns to you? Even Buffy? You’re the one keeping us going, Wes. You’re the one keeping us together. If it had been just the three of us we’d have given up long ago. Or y’know… killed each other.”
“I never asked for this,” I whispered, unable to look at her. Why do people keep putting me in charge? Hell if I know.
“I know,” Cordelia whispered. “Guess I’m being way with the selfish when I think I’m glad I still have you.”
“Buffy and Dawn still have each other too. Most people aren’t that lucky.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, and we both silently stared up at the sky, watching the stars flicker and thinking of our friends who hadn’t been so lucky. Or maybe they had been the lucky ones, having escaped this Hell early on. Who knew?
So our destination changed. No longer we were on our way to Little Rock, but on route to Boulder, Colorado. For once I was drawing from my experience as Rogue Demon Hunter. That is, the traveling I did then, it was easier to find my way to Colorado.
All the towns we passed had turned into ghost towns. Ghost towns with the remains of those who once lived there. Bodies half eaten by rats, maggots or just the weather. Some of them had only the skeleton left, joining all the others in their anonymity.
A world had died and there was no one around to remember most people in it. We all had learned not to look by then.
We raided stores as much as that was possible. Stayed close to the river to use it for our water supply, cooking and getting clean. Buffy still went out most nights to fight whatever she found to fight. It wasn’t much this far out, but here was still something.
Until one day she didn’t return.
We waited a day. A second day. After that I went out to look for her. I told Cordelia and Dawn to give me two days and if I wasn’t back by then to go on toward Boulder without me. It was quite clear on their faces that wasn’t going to happen.
When I found Buffy, a day and a half later, I was glad neither Cordelia but mostly Dawn weren’t with me.
I was rooted on the spot, staring at what was once Buffy’s body. The Body of a Slayer. Next to her was a next of kittens. The mother was dead, as were the kittens. They looked about a week or so old and I couldn’t believe, couldn’t believe that the Slayer had died to defend some stupid cats!
Until I turned her body around and was shocked to find out there was more going on then just that. She’d been beaten badly and from the looks of it she had fought back with all the fiereceness of a Slayer. She’d been violated, several times if the blood pooling from between her legs was any indication. But what had shocked me the most and had me staggering away from her to throw up since the first time this had all started, was her face.
The horror on it, the fear, and the cross carved into her cheek.
Once I had spilled the meager contents of my stomach I found a tarp and wrapped Buffy in it. Sewed it shut with trembling hands so Dawn would never, ever have to see her sister like this. I knew with shocking reality who had killed her, this couldn’t have been a coincidence. Fear clutched my heart as it beat loudly in my chest while I worked at a frantic pace. He could still be around, he could be moving toward Dawn and Cordelia and they’d never know.
When I finally was done I picked up the delicate body of Buffy Summers and moved back to my bike. Only to be stopped by a tiny, tiny sound of panic.
I stopped by the box with the stupid cat and her litter in it. One of them was still alive. Or close to it anyway. A rat that had been disturbed by my coming closer quickly scurried away. I watched the small ball of fur ineffectually crawling around for a moment, desperately crying out for someone, anyone to help it.
Part of me wanted to wring it’s little neck, since it was partly responsible for killing Buffy. But most of me thought of Buffy and how she had stopped to save this miserable bunch. Buffy Summers, savior of mankind and small kittens.
"Oh the hell with it," I muttered and then cursing myself tenfold picked up the furry small thing, pushed it safely inside my jacket. Putting the tarp with Buffy on the back and with a squirming kitten clutched to my chest I drove back to the girls as if the devil was on my heels.
Which, in a way it was. The devil with the face of a friend.
Dawn didn’t cry when I brought Buffy home. Didn’t cry when we buried her. Didn’t cry with Cordelia when we left the lone grave behind. Didn’t cry when we told her it was alright.
She clung onto us and the stupid kitten.
Cordelia and I feared the damn thing wasn’t going to make it. In fact, we were waiting for it to happen and knew that Dawn would break once the kitten would die. Weren't ready for that, we could clearly read that on each other's faces.
It was to small to survive, we had little to no food to give it, we knew nothing on how to raise a small kitten.
Dawn called it ‘Hope’ and much to our surprise, even Dawn’s I suspect, it survived.
Eight weeks later it was still going strong. There had been some trying times where the three of us were up all night to help it fight to stay with us. Stupidly enough there were now three people clinging onto Hope and her will to survive. Drawing from a tiny kitten to keep going themselves. Keep on going toward Boulder Colorado in the hopes that all the answers would be there.
It was nearly six months if not more - we lost count somewhere along the way - from the time we left Los Angeles that we finally arrived in Colorado. It took us another two weeks to find our way to Boulder.
Once we stumbled upon the sign we all stood frozen on the spot, watching it sway in the wind. Cordelia, Dawn and myself. All that was left of a once strong group of warriors of good. All that was left to know about the demons that lurked in the night and now by day.
We all knew that our destiny that had changed so many times, was about to change again. We were all afraid of it, but hope filled our hearts as well when a man and a woman stepped out of the shadows with a weary smile on their faces.
“Hi,” The man said. “I’m Stu Redman, this here is my girl Franny Goldsmith. Mother Abigail send us to meet you three…” he paused to glance down at the kitten clutched in Dawn’s arms, “…four…”
I nodded at him and the woman. “I’m Wesley Wyndam-Pryce,” I said, “This is Cordelia Chase and Dawn Summers.”
“And Hope,” Dawn piped up, hiding half behind me.
“Nice to meet ya,” Stu smiled, “Mother Abigail said you’d be arriving today. She’s been looking forward to meeting you lot.”
“She has?” Cordelia whispered, hand coming up to comb through her no longer immaculate hair and then down to smooth her shirt. “I look like crap! Do we have time to freshen up?”
I shared a look with Stu and the looked at Cordy fondly, noticing Dawn trying to smooth her dress out as well.
“Why don’t you come with me,” Fran smiled, “We’ll get you freshened up some and then go meet Mother Abigail.”
As I climbed on my bike and followed after the first humans we’ve seen in… what felt like decades, I couldn’t help but notice the fear that clutched my heart cold. And deep down I knew my time here was going to be a short one. I just didn’t know why.
Is it a kind of shadow
Reaching into the night.
Wondering over the hills unseen.
Or is it a dream.
There's a high wind in the trees.
A cold sound in the air.
And nobody ever knows when you go.
Or where do you start.
Into the dark.
*~*~*~*~
On the Inside, part 3
Walls of love grow all around,
But for me they come tumbling down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger,
I can't stand this pain much longer.
I walk in shadows, searching for live,
Cold and alone no comfort inside.
Meeting Mother Abigail had gone past me like a dream. She’d been just as we imagined her to be. Kind, knowing, and loving. Handing us the flame of hope that had died in ourselves. Despite what we kept telling ourselves, it had died some time ago. Maybe when Xander had died, maybe when we had to leave Angel behind, or when Tara died, or Buffy, or one of the others. We couldn’t tell really.
But it had gone and meeting her, Mother Abigail, it flared up again. A small tiny flame inside myself. A much bigger fire inside Dawn and Cordelia.
“I’m so gosh darn happy ya’lls moved into the house next to me,” Tom Cullen told me after we’d been in Boulder for a few weeks. “M-O-O-N that spells happy, my laws yes.” He gave me a toothy grin which was pretty hard not to return.
“I’m happy that you’re happy, Tom,” I smiled at him, bending down to pick up Hope. She had turned out to be a strange cat. She was around us all the time, mostly Dawn, but never wandered out of sight. Sometimes she went along with Cordelia and I if we had things to do, but mostly she stuck with Dawn.
“Is Miss Cordy gonna be coming?” Tom asked, a blush appearing that went beyond his ears.
My smile grew fond. Tom had developed somewhat of a crush on Cordelia. And Cordelia, bless her, treated the man with kindness but never really gave him any reason to hope. “She should be out shortly.”
He nodded, grinning from ear to ear for a moment until it faded. “You two gonna be helping out Sue and Brad with the electric?”
I nodded grimly. Today we were going to try to get the electricity to work again. And if we managed there was another grisly job waiting for us. All the those electrical supplies in the houses were going to be have to shut off, and most of those houses were still occupied by the dead.
“That aint gonna be pretty,” Tom nodded, “Its gonna be….”
We both paused as Nadine Cross floated past. She’d arrived last week and there really was something very wrong with that woman. Larry Underwood had known her, but didn’t tell anything about that. Just that she was… nuts.
She had to be, it only took her a few days to move in with Harold Lauder, a young chap who gave people, as Dawn put it, the creeps. There was something very wrong about the pair of them and my eyes narrowed as I watched the woman flutter past. Muttering to herself about something or other.
“She makes Fred look sane,” Cordelia’s voice came from behind us.
We both turned around and I watched Tom gape at Cordy before his mouth shut with an audible snap. “Gosh darn, Miss Cordy, you sure are looking mighty pretty. M-O-O-N that spells pretty, my laws yes.”
Cordelia beamed at him. It was only a fraction of the thousand kilo watt smile she once had. “Why thank you, Tom,” she grinned, plucking Hope out of my arms. “Why don’t you bring Hope back to Dawn and the two of you can have fun while Wes and I are…busy.” The smile faltered only for a moment.
Tom beamed at the two of us, nodded eagerly and then ran into the house while cuddling Hope to his chest.
“Let’s go, dork, we have work to do,” Cordelia sighed, a shiver running through her.
“I’m a nerd dammit,” I scolded her. Pushing my hands in my pocket I followed after her toward the energy plant.
It took a few tries but we managed to the power back on. Which meant Cordelia and I spend the better part of the week going from house to house to turn off electrical equipment. And trying not to look at the bodies we found, trying not to choke from the smell, trying not to cry at the enormous losses humanity had suffered because of this flu.
Humanities own fault, or god’s punishment. I leaned toward the first, Mother Abigail toward the second.
Live in Boulder was becoming frighteningly normal. So normal in fact that it all lulled us into a false sense of security. A Free Zone committee was raised to decide on what we were going to do, how to go about building up humanity from scratch. More people arrived, more hope flared up, and yet the dreams about the dark man were coming.
The three of us knew it couldn’t have been a normal man, knew it was a demon. Had to be. And I alone bore the burden of knowing that the vampire with a soul who had once been our friend probably was siding up with this Randal Flagg. Angel would probably never return, the one person who could manage that having died so long ago it seemed now.
Angelus was all there was left.
Cordy nor Dawn had seen Buffy’s body and I knew I should tell them what had really happened to her. Who had really killed her, but they seemed so… happy, here, that I kept on postponing it, until I convinced myself it hardly mattered.
The three of us kept together like a tight knit group. Cordelia still got her visions from…whomever she was receiving them. But they were less frequent and could easily be handled by myself, sometimes with the help of Dawn or Cordelia. The rest of the people never knew what lurked in the night. Aside from Captain Trips.
Mother Abigail knew, we found out after a night of demon fighting had nearly gone wrong. She’d shown up behind us, for once it being all three of us out to dispatch of the vision and then told us to come to her house.
While she took care of the few cuts and bruises we had sustained, she asked us about those demons and nodded. “The Devils imp is more then most realize,” she told us, “more then they will want to realize. It’s up to you to bring him down.” And even though she spoke to all of us, a cold chill went through me when she looked at me and me alone.
“He will fight like the satan’s son he is. But don’t let that bring you all down. You’ve lost so much, even more them most maybe. But I have hope and so should you.” She looked directly at me this time and I had to look away. “I know it’s hard for you to trust, Wesley,” she told me, “But you’re gonna have to learn soon enough. Cause you wont be alone, as long as you’re willing to trust. There’s more that meet the eyes.’
I had no idea what she meant by that and the Wesley of the old would’ve demanded she clarify herself. The one that had been left after the dust had started to settle didn’t want to know. Didn’t want give into this feeling that my task here on earth wasn’t over by a long shot. It was only just beginning and I wasn’t going to like it. Not one bit.
The Devils Imp got his clutches in us deeply when Mother Abigail disappeared. Even deeper when she appeared again and we found out there were people in our midst who belonged to him.
Harold Lauder blew up The Boulder Free Zone Commmitee and then he and Nadine Cross left before the dust had time to lay down. The loss of human life was a blow, the loss of hope was devastating.
The committee struck back the only way they knew how. They needed information and they needed information from the inside. The only way to get it was to get people on the inside. Get people to Las Vegas and scope out this satan in all his glory and find his weak spots.
Find a way to bring him down.
That is how, what was left of the committee, found itself in our living room. They wanted me to be the ones to go over there and look. It had been Mother Abigail’s suggestion before she died. Curse the woman. Neither of the few who were left from the committee knew why, but Dawn and Cordelia knew.
I told them I’d think about it and they left. I had no doubt there were going to be others they would be asking. Neither of us knowing of the other, a well thought out strategic plan. I just hoped it would work.
“You can’t go,” Cordelia insisted.
“Cordelia…” I sighed.
“No! I wont let you go. I’m not gonna loose you to Wes. You know that if you go over there we’re never gonna see you again.”
“How do you know?” Dawn asked quietly, “Did… you get vision about that? I‘m also with the ‘you can‘t go‘ by the way.” She was sitting on the sofa, Hope on her lap looking agitated. The cat kept jumping up and down, curled around my legs then Cordy’s before she jumped back to Dawn.
“You know I have to,” I told them.
“Why? Why you? Cause you know about the demons and the likes? Bullshit!” Cordelia gave me an angry look which I met steadily and threw her hands up in the air. “Damn you, Wes!”
I glanced away from her, over toward Dawn. “I’m sorry, but…”
“…you have to blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah,” Dawn sighed. “Promise me you’re gonna come back.” Large blue eyes looked steadily at me and the intensity in them took me by surprise.
“I promise,” I told her.
“Don’t promise things you can’t keep,” Cordelia scoffed.
I turned my head to look at her and smiled weakly. “I promise to come back.”
We looked at each other for what seemed like hours before she finally moved over to me and hugged me hard enough to keep me from breathing. “I hate you,” she muttered, tears in her voice.
“I love you too,” I agreed, reaching out to draw Dawn into our group hug. “And you. And the stupid cat.”
“I will kick your ass if you get killed,” Cordelia sniffled, pulling away. “Just thought I’d mention that.
“Duly noted.”
“When will you leave?” Dawn wanted to know.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I don’t know what their further plans are.”
It was that very night I snuk out of the house and left for Las Vegas. Without saying goodbye to Cordelia or Dawn. It wasn’t needed. I had promised I’d come back.
It didn’t take me long to get to Las Vegas on my bike. It was closer by then I realized, which was frightening in a way. When I entered the city it reminded me of some modern Sodom and Gomorra. They’d cleaned up the dead bodies as far as I could see. But with the multitude of demons scouring around I wouldn’t be surprised when most of them had been eaten. I found a small hotel tucked away in obscurity and started to look around.
By now I looked nothing like the old Wesley. My glasses had been lost a long time ago and I liked my vision blurry. The real world was to harsh, the lights gave me a headache and there was nothing left to read anyway. Nothing of interest, nothing of need.
I kept a low profile, flitting through the crowds unnoticed. Gathering information as I went. Watching with sickening fascination as sometimes they hounded humans through the streets. Raped men and woman alike in broad daylight. Killed each other while no one batted an eyes. Executed the so called ‘god fearing’ on the huge square in public in the most horrific humiliating and painful ways. Underneath it all the tight regime of a clear cut very well handled deadly army. And there was nothing I could do about it other then go back to my room, vomit, drink and hate myself.
Never once did I see Angelus, but figured he must be holding himself up with the big shots. The ones I was keeping clear off.
Or so I thought. Until one day I saw him and it didn’t in any way surprise me to find him here. Even though I had hoped… somewhere deep down… ever since Vanessa Brewer. But no, he was here, in Vegas. And maybe, just maybe I would find my way onto more information.
If I was careful. I had to play a game, I had to betray my friends if only in words. Anything to get the job done.
But my main problem was to get Lindsey McDonald to notice me without being to obvious.
I looked through the glass darkly,
Trying desperately to see,
But through my warped reflection,
There was nothing left of me.
The Beginning of the End, part 1
Tell me how am I suppose to live without you.
Now that I've been loving you so long.
How am I suppose to live without you.
And how am I suppose to carry on, when all that I've been living for is gone.
Pylea. Plyea was Hell. Sure there were some things that weren’t Hell. Angel being able to walk in the sun and see himself in the mirror, Cordelia being made a princess. But all in all, it was pure Hell. I still remember every face of each and every soldier I’d send to the death for the freedom of others. It was Hell, wrapped up in Paradise.
I was extremely euphoric about finding our way back home with the help of Fred. Couldn’t wait to get back to our Dimension. It retrospect it was fairly simple, if one had the correct calculations, which Fred had, and the right books and spells, which I had.
What we didn’t know was we were about to exchange a Hell where we’d be able to live for one where we were about to die.
And we didn’t even notice.
Didn’t notice anything as we crashed into Lorne’s bar. Didn’t notice anything when we drove outside. Didn’t notice anything odd about the dark city, power-outage we figured. Didn’t notice anything about the smell of death, paranoid from our stay in Pylea Lorne figured. Didn’t notice anything about the fires here and there, the gun sounding in the air, riot Gunn figured, it happens and it happened again.
Didn’t think anything that bad when we walked into the Hyperion and were greeted by them. Our…friends from Sunnydale. The Slayer and her friends. Some of her friends.
That’s when we still didn’t notice. But we were told.
Xander was the one who told us. Dawn on the sofa being held by some blonde girl introduced as Tara, Willow’s girlfriend. Another blonde standing away from the group a bit being introduces as Anya, she looked vaguely familiar.
They were lucky, we were informed. Most families hadn’t been so lucky as to stay together. Xander told us between hacking up his lungs that there had been a flu, a terribly flu called Captain Trips which was wiping out humanity.
Willow had been the first to die, shortly there after Giles. Then the town of Sunnydale slowly started to become war zone. People were dying everywhere, people trying to get out of the small Hell. But they had no place to go it turned out as the group from Sunnydale had made their own way out. Leaving most everything they owned behind.
People were dying all over the place and no one knew what to do about it.
We all reacted in our own ways.
Angel pulled away somewhere private with Buffy and we didn’t see them for several days.
Gunn dashed out of the Hyperion, wanting to see how his crew was, his kids.
Lorne went out to see if his demon friends knew something… We never saw him again.
Cordelia and I just looked at each other and then I ran into the office to research and she started to become a general and ordered everyone around for food, rooms, blankets.
It looked like we were going to be stuck here for some time.
Fred was the first to go. Xander and I dug a grave for her in the courtyard, one of many to come though we did not realize that at the time. I cried silent tears for the girl who had fought so hard to survive Pylea, hidden away in a cave and slowly going crazy. Only to finally make it back home to die in a most horrible and painful way.
It took her five days to die. All this time Cordelia, Dawn and Tara kept by her side, trying to make her comfortable. It had been useless to save her, but at least she died knowing she was cared for.
At least she didn't die alone, like she had to live for five years.
The service was small and…awkward. None of us had really known Fred so there wasn’t much that could be said.
Xander and I had taking up going out to gather food and… blood for Angel. Angel who had locked himself up in his room to brood. Buffy had come out but turned out to be a brooder as well. She went out most night and came back covered in blood. No one ever asked why or what and that worked out for everyone.
The first time Xander and I had gone to on our scavenger hunt had been my place. It felt less like stealing to ransack your own place for food, books, clothes, the likes. But with so many people that hadn’t been enough.
We went out every other day from then on. The sight that greeted us outside always was horrible, but after a while it was as though we were blind. We easily maneuvered our way through dead bodies rotting away in the burning sun, maggots eating dead flesh. Didn’t jump a mile high anymore when there was a gunshot in the silent air of the city. Didn’t look surprised when the store we had gone through one day had been burned down the next.
What we couldn’t get used to however was the smell. The smell of death and decay was something I could never get rid of since then.
We found an old transistor radio with batteries and a record player at some pawn shop. We took it with us, hoping that it might lighten up the mood that had began to sink over everyone. Buffy had becoming more and more depressed while Dawn and Tara held up each others spirits. Anya clung onto Xander while Cordelia and I tried to coax out Angel.
And tried not to look at the door at every sound in the hopes it may be Gunn returning.
He did return. He stumbled in while we were having our small impromptu party after we got the old fashioned record player to work. For a moment we’d been able to forget the horrors that laid outside and the fear we all kept in our hearts. The fear of who was going to be next and what were we going to do.
Dawn had just convinced me to dance, which I did awkwardly while she and Cordelia were kind enough to give me pointers. Tara was smiling in that serene way she got sometimes while Anya and Xander were taking over the dance floor. Even Angel and Buffy had come out of their hiding and seemed to forget their mystic destiny for a while.
The doors flew open, letting in the stench of rotting bodies, death, despair and anger from the outside world. Gunn stood there, looking pale, haggard and closer to death then even Angel.
“They’re all gone,“ he rasped. “He’s coming,” he told us, stumbling into the lobby. He coughed up some blood and didn’t stop to look at it. Staggering over to me he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down with him. “He’s coming!” he tried again desperately.
“You’re sick Charles,” I tried gently, easing the man to the floor. “You need to--”
“He’s coming, Wes! You need-need… to-to… get out.”
Cordy dropped to the floor next to me and started to mop Gunn’s head with some cloth she’d found. “Who’s coming?” she asked with a tremble in her voice. She glanced up at me and we both knew whom he meant, though we never talked about it.
“The dark man,” Gunn whispered and with it Charles Gunn blew out his last breath.
Dying from some stupid manmade flu instead of like the warrior he had been. Having lost everyone of his crew and coming back to warn the only friends he had left. And to die among these friends. It was a small comfort to give as we buried him next to Fred, but it was something.
Disaster struck again a few days later.
Xander and I were out on another of our scavenger hunts, this time taking Dawn with us. She’d been getting restless and had pointed out she was the Slayers sister and knew how to take care of herself. Recognizing her need to be useful and not be cooped up in the hotel first Xander and then I caved.
Something I’ve come to regret ever since.
We were paying attention, but not enough. When we walked into some store looking for food, clothes anything that could help us, we didn’t take the normal precautions we usually took. It had been weeks since we’d seen anyone. Humans, demons, anything. Sure we heard them from time to time, but that was it. Sounds in the far distance like a dream.
So when the shot from a gun ran out it came as a surprise to all of us. Dawn looked at me with huge blue eyes in a pale face and both of us looked at Xander’s shocked face. Which was when we noticed the blood on his chest and when he coughed… from his mouth.
He crumpled to the floor mere seconds later and spurred me into action. I dragged him behind some shelve, shouting at Dawn to follow me. Xander coughed again, something he’d been doing for a few days now. We all knew he was dying, but none of us was brave enough to say it.
“We’ll get you out of here,” Dawn sobbed, pulling off her sweater and pushing it against the wound.
It was bad, but it we could’ve gotten him to a hospital we still might have been able to save him. There weren’t any hospitals however, any doctors who could save him, or medication we could use to do it ourselves.
“Dawnie,” Xander whispered, reaching out a bloodied hand to touch her face gently. He left a smear of it on her forehead. “You need to get out of here. You…. Need to save ….yourself.”
“No!” she yelled, tears falling down her face “Don’t leave me, Xander. Don’t leave me too. Please, Please. Wes, you have to help him!”
Xander and I exchanged a look and I knew he was dying. Just like himself knew. “You spare gun?” he asked, his voice nothing more but a soft croak.
With a trembling hand I pulled it out and handed it to him. “Xander,” I tried more for Dawn’s sake then ours. “We could still…”
“Can it, Watcher Junior,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips. “Get them out of here. Go to… Go to Little Rock. Don’t let him get them. You gotta, Wes. Please.”
Sucking in my breath, I nodded at him once and the looked up when I heard the sounds from the back of the store coming closer. Mocking voices of humans, some demonic. It sounded like a gang, and a lot of beings in that gang.
Xander clutching my shirt made me look down at him again. “Go,” he whispered urgently. “Get out, take Dawn.”
Dawn started to cry harder. “Xander,” she pleaded, “No. We can carry you, please. You can’t die, Xander…”
Swallowing down my own tears I moved quickly. Grabbing a kicking and screaming Dawn and ran out like a coward. The sound of gun fire and shouting followed us all the way back to the hotel, if only in our ears.
That day Xander Harris died. He died like the hero he was, and not from some flu taking away everything he’d been fighting for so long.
Dawn never really forgave me for that, nor did she forgive Xander I think.
I did what he had asked though. We all knew it was time. There was nothing to keep us here and the hope in this Mother Abigail’s dreams were spurring us on. While we packed our meager things together Tara told us that Anya had left. Somehow she must’ve felt Xander dying and with him gone there was nothing left to keep her with us.
Cordelia and I tried to coax Angel out of his room, but he wouldn’t budge. Told us to go and save ourselves. He was going to wait for the dark man and fight him to the death. His. Cordelia and I looked at each other and thought the same, though none of us said it.
Heroic drama queen, our friend Angel. We didn’t want to leave him behind, but we had others to think of. Even Buffy agreed that if he wanted to stay here, then so be it. We said our goodbyes, through a door, and left. Cordelia with unshed tears in her eyes while I had to swallow hard to keep them down.
I wonder if I’ll ever see him again.
There were eleven of us in the beginning. There were five left to travel to Little Rock.
Only three of us would make it. Barely.
So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
*~*~*~*~
The Long Road, part 2
The road is long
With many a winding turns
That leads us to who knows where,
Who knows where.
But I'm strong,
Strong enough to carry them.
Getting out of Los Angeles alone was something I never want to go through again. There was death everywhere we looked. The smell was overwhelming the longer we stayed outside. We had to stay outside though if we wanted to get out of the city.
Cars were jamming up every road possible, the people who had been trying to get out still inside them. Having died right there on the spot. At first there had been the older bodies already half eaten by rats and those birds who were still around. Ravens, seagulls. Other birds seemed to have disappeared. A cat here and there but no dogs. No alive ones at any rate.
There was no way we could get out by car, which was the fastest way. I couldn’t load all backpacks and five people on my motorbike so we had to travel on foot.
It was a whole new kind of Hell.
The heat seemed to have intensified, making the stench of the death and destruction even worse then it already was. It was as if a bomb had dropped and obliterated all life. There was the odd gunshot here and there, but even that had been less then it had been weeks ago.
We saw the odd demon here and there, but with The Slayer with us and Tara and mine magical powers combined they stayed clear from us. If they were clever. Apparently most of them were satisfied to prey on the carnage around them.
It took us days to get even halfway to Los Angeles. We had learned the hard way to walk fast and not look. The horrors that had greeted us on the first days had left us all cold enough to cling onto each other at night to keep warm.
There had been the mother with the pram. The poor woman had been beaten and raped. When we looked inside the pram there was nothing left of the child but an arm and a leg.
There had been the car accident on some intersection, the one of many. The people had been at each other’s throats, gotten into a fight and killed each other. Their bodies falling to the street in a bloodied heap where demons and beasts of prey had rejoiced over a free meal.
The small boy, no more then eight, we had found hanging from a flag post with a rope around his neck and his heart torn out. ‘Anti Christ’ had been carved into the flesh of his chest as his naked body dangled in the wind.
Tara had become more and more withdrawn, the horrors we’ve been witnessing getting to her. Buffy had become more and more grim, going out and nights to get rid of her anger. She once again came back to wherever we were staying bloodied and beaten.
Cordelia and I were trying. Trying hard to keep up our usual bicker fights, trying to keep the hope alive, but even ours was fading quickly.
Dawn surprised both Cordelia and I by trying as well. I think after loosing Xander on top of everyone else we expected her to crumble. She did exactly the opposite. She was the one who kept spurring us on, kept telling us that Mother Abigail would know what to do, kept telling us we were going to kick this Dark man’s ass, because that was what we did.
I could tell it was forced though. She hardly believed a word of it herself.
When we were nearing the end of the city the chaos was getting more and more. We’d raided a store, our guilt over that having long since disappeared. We were lucky, finding some shoes to walk on for miles, since the shoes the girls were wearing and even I weren’t going to cut it.
We took some clothes, were even more lucky to find some water in bottles and got on our way again.
All in all it took us two weeks of horror which would forever be burned on our retina’s to get out of the City that no longer belonged to the Angels.
The heat was killing us all and we decided it was best we started traveling at night. It was as dangerous a night as it was by day now. Even less so for all of us, since we knew exactly what lurked in the night.
The travel was slow on foot, we hardly managed a few miles per day. Sometimes sleeping in a house we found by the road, or out in the open. We kept the fire going and one of us was always awake.
Buffy still went out night after night but she came back less bloodied and bruised. Until one day she came back looking devastated. I was sitting by the fire it being my turn to keep watch.
“She’s gone,” Buffy whispered, having long since forgotten how to cry. Just like the rest of us.
“Whom?” I asked, wondering who was left to loose. It took me a few moments to realize whom she was talking about before she told me.
“Faith,” she said, looking into the fire. “I felt it. She’s gone.”
And somewhere out there a new Slayer had been called. Probably even died only seconds later because there was no one to tell her what to do, who she was and why. I thought of the Council and then about my parents. It shocked me to realize I’ve never thought of them before now. With everything gone, phones, electricity, everything, there was no way I was ever going to know.
It sickened me to realize that… I didn’t really care.
Buffy and I decided not to tell the others that Faith was gone as well. We didn’t know how she had died, or when exactly and it didn’t matter. There was nothing we could do about it anyway, there was nothing we could do for her anymore. I think both Buffy and myself felt a little guilty for not having though of the other Slayer before, but with everything that was going on…there just hadn’t been time.
So we traveled on. Mile by mile, town by town, dream by nightmare.
We found a small river. A small break in our otherwise dismissal existence. I was shoo-ed away being a male, because the girls wanted to bathe. When I pointed out that perhaps I may want to bathe as well they all gave me a look and declared me a pervert.
For the first time in weeks there was a smile on my face when I pretended to slump off. I took my time looking around, found a rather large house that didn’t look as though it had been raided. We could spend the night in comfortable beds. Apparently a small family had lived here, giving us the opportunity to get some fresh clothes as well.
Which was really required. The dust from the road, the sweat, not being able to wash, it was taking it’s toll on us. We smelled, though we didn’t notice that until we were clean.
The girls returned, laughing and joking and looking fresh, clean. I glanced down at my own self in dismay, wrinkling my nose.
“I hope you left me some clean water,” I joked, looking up just in time to see Tara’s face go white.
It happened in a flash. There was no warning. No shouting, no roaring, no cries, no pain on her face. Just death as she toppled over and we all saw the tentacle going into her back and out her chest.
Dawn and Cordelia fell to their knees next to the girl, crying. Buffy cut off the tentacle and followed it with me right on her heels.
A demon creature hiding in the river, that could’ve killed all of them, was the cause. Buffy and I used it to get rid of all the rage we felt inside. Fighting it, beating it, slashing it to bits until all that was left was red water and bits and pieces of demon.
And even then the rage didn’t leave us.
We rushed back to find Tara still on the ground, cradled in Dawn’s lap. The girl had found some tears as she cried over her lost friends. “You weren’t supposed to die like this,” she sobbed. “You were supposed to grow old and witchy and dote on my kids with Willow.”
Cordelia had wrapped her arms around herself and didn’t say a word when my bloodied self came over and pulled her closer. Together we watched as Buffy knelt down next to Tara and brushed the hair from her face.
“We need to burry her, Dawn,” she whispered, pulling the tentacle out of the dead girls chest with a sickening squelching sound.
“I know that!” Dawn snapped. “But… it’s just… “ Her face crumpled and the tears she had held inside for so long finally broke free.
Buffy held her for hours, silent tears falling down her face as they cried for all they had lost.
Cordelia and I took care of Tara. We found a spot under an old tree we were sure Tara would have loved. Cordelia found the girl some flowerily dress inside the house and dressed her while I dug the grave. We were all silent as we lowered the sweet girl into the earth she had loved so much and had taken away so much. None of us by now had any words left, and those that had been left were said silently into our heads.
Tara would hear them either way.
Buffy and I washed up after the funeral and we all dragged ourselves into some fresh clothes. The need to survive bigger then our need to grief. We had lost so much by then, we had learned to grief inside.
We found another surprised inside the shed of the house. Two motor bikes, with gas to go with. Maybe our luck was changing after all. Or maybe we just got lucky. Once.
I spend the next days trying to teach Cordelia how to drive one of them. Buffy claimed to be to busy keeping an eye on things and I had declared Dawn to young.
Both Cordelia and Dawn had looked at me strangely at that, a small quirk tugging the corners of their lips.
“The world is dying,” Cordelia scoffed, “but leave it to you to cling onto some really stupid rules. Geeze Wes, could you be anymore… you?”
They indulged me anyway and left me to the frustration of teaching Cordelia how to drive a motor bike. I was suddenly extremely glad not to be riding on the back with her and remembered how well she didn’t drive Angel’s car back… back in ancient history.
In fact it took me a week to be even remotely certain enough she wouldn’t kill herself and whomever ended up behind her.
Things moved faster from then on. Instead of mere inches we traveled miles toward our destination.
Until the destination changed. Our dreams changed. The Dark Man was haunting all of us. Knowing all our fears and all our weakness. The girls talked about it, giving each other courage to deal with it. Dawn tried to get me to talk about it, but gave up after a while. Cordelia knew better and Buffy never bothered.
“What are you thinking about?” Cordelia asked one night, joining me as I sat outside looking up at the starts.
“Oh, this and…that,” I shrugged, wondering how everything out here could look so peaceful when the world had turned into hell on earth.
“Uh huh, you’re not sitting out here doing the whole self flagellating Wesley Watcher crap again are you?”
I looked at her sideways and raised my eyebrows. “Yes, because I am clever enough to develop some super flu while in another dimension… ow!” Glaring at her I rubbed the shoulder she just hit.
“So not what I’m talking about and you know it, wooly boy. I was talking about… about the others.”
She didn’t need to mention their names. I saw them every night in my nightmares with the dark man. Angel, Xander, Tara, Gunn, Lorne… Faith. “I could’ve… done more,” I admitted.
“Like what, you’re not Angel or Buffy…”
“I know that,” I snapped, feeling the sting of that one.
“Also not what I meant,” Cordelia trudged on as though I’d not interrupted her. “Notice how everyone turns to you? Even Buffy? You’re the one keeping us going, Wes. You’re the one keeping us together. If it had been just the three of us we’d have given up long ago. Or y’know… killed each other.”
“I never asked for this,” I whispered, unable to look at her. Why do people keep putting me in charge? Hell if I know.
“I know,” Cordelia whispered. “Guess I’m being way with the selfish when I think I’m glad I still have you.”
“Buffy and Dawn still have each other too. Most people aren’t that lucky.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, and we both silently stared up at the sky, watching the stars flicker and thinking of our friends who hadn’t been so lucky. Or maybe they had been the lucky ones, having escaped this Hell early on. Who knew?
So our destination changed. No longer we were on our way to Little Rock, but on route to Boulder, Colorado. For once I was drawing from my experience as Rogue Demon Hunter. That is, the traveling I did then, it was easier to find my way to Colorado.
All the towns we passed had turned into ghost towns. Ghost towns with the remains of those who once lived there. Bodies half eaten by rats, maggots or just the weather. Some of them had only the skeleton left, joining all the others in their anonymity.
A world had died and there was no one around to remember most people in it. We all had learned not to look by then.
We raided stores as much as that was possible. Stayed close to the river to use it for our water supply, cooking and getting clean. Buffy still went out most nights to fight whatever she found to fight. It wasn’t much this far out, but here was still something.
Until one day she didn’t return.
We waited a day. A second day. After that I went out to look for her. I told Cordelia and Dawn to give me two days and if I wasn’t back by then to go on toward Boulder without me. It was quite clear on their faces that wasn’t going to happen.
When I found Buffy, a day and a half later, I was glad neither Cordelia but mostly Dawn weren’t with me.
I was rooted on the spot, staring at what was once Buffy’s body. The Body of a Slayer. Next to her was a next of kittens. The mother was dead, as were the kittens. They looked about a week or so old and I couldn’t believe, couldn’t believe that the Slayer had died to defend some stupid cats!
Until I turned her body around and was shocked to find out there was more going on then just that. She’d been beaten badly and from the looks of it she had fought back with all the fiereceness of a Slayer. She’d been violated, several times if the blood pooling from between her legs was any indication. But what had shocked me the most and had me staggering away from her to throw up since the first time this had all started, was her face.
The horror on it, the fear, and the cross carved into her cheek.
Once I had spilled the meager contents of my stomach I found a tarp and wrapped Buffy in it. Sewed it shut with trembling hands so Dawn would never, ever have to see her sister like this. I knew with shocking reality who had killed her, this couldn’t have been a coincidence. Fear clutched my heart as it beat loudly in my chest while I worked at a frantic pace. He could still be around, he could be moving toward Dawn and Cordelia and they’d never know.
When I finally was done I picked up the delicate body of Buffy Summers and moved back to my bike. Only to be stopped by a tiny, tiny sound of panic.
I stopped by the box with the stupid cat and her litter in it. One of them was still alive. Or close to it anyway. A rat that had been disturbed by my coming closer quickly scurried away. I watched the small ball of fur ineffectually crawling around for a moment, desperately crying out for someone, anyone to help it.
Part of me wanted to wring it’s little neck, since it was partly responsible for killing Buffy. But most of me thought of Buffy and how she had stopped to save this miserable bunch. Buffy Summers, savior of mankind and small kittens.
"Oh the hell with it," I muttered and then cursing myself tenfold picked up the furry small thing, pushed it safely inside my jacket. Putting the tarp with Buffy on the back and with a squirming kitten clutched to my chest I drove back to the girls as if the devil was on my heels.
Which, in a way it was. The devil with the face of a friend.
Dawn didn’t cry when I brought Buffy home. Didn’t cry when we buried her. Didn’t cry with Cordelia when we left the lone grave behind. Didn’t cry when we told her it was alright.
She clung onto us and the stupid kitten.
Cordelia and I feared the damn thing wasn’t going to make it. In fact, we were waiting for it to happen and knew that Dawn would break once the kitten would die. Weren't ready for that, we could clearly read that on each other's faces.
It was to small to survive, we had little to no food to give it, we knew nothing on how to raise a small kitten.
Dawn called it ‘Hope’ and much to our surprise, even Dawn’s I suspect, it survived.
Eight weeks later it was still going strong. There had been some trying times where the three of us were up all night to help it fight to stay with us. Stupidly enough there were now three people clinging onto Hope and her will to survive. Drawing from a tiny kitten to keep going themselves. Keep on going toward Boulder Colorado in the hopes that all the answers would be there.
It was nearly six months if not more - we lost count somewhere along the way - from the time we left Los Angeles that we finally arrived in Colorado. It took us another two weeks to find our way to Boulder.
Once we stumbled upon the sign we all stood frozen on the spot, watching it sway in the wind. Cordelia, Dawn and myself. All that was left of a once strong group of warriors of good. All that was left to know about the demons that lurked in the night and now by day.
We all knew that our destiny that had changed so many times, was about to change again. We were all afraid of it, but hope filled our hearts as well when a man and a woman stepped out of the shadows with a weary smile on their faces.
“Hi,” The man said. “I’m Stu Redman, this here is my girl Franny Goldsmith. Mother Abigail send us to meet you three…” he paused to glance down at the kitten clutched in Dawn’s arms, “…four…”
I nodded at him and the woman. “I’m Wesley Wyndam-Pryce,” I said, “This is Cordelia Chase and Dawn Summers.”
“And Hope,” Dawn piped up, hiding half behind me.
“Nice to meet ya,” Stu smiled, “Mother Abigail said you’d be arriving today. She’s been looking forward to meeting you lot.”
“She has?” Cordelia whispered, hand coming up to comb through her no longer immaculate hair and then down to smooth her shirt. “I look like crap! Do we have time to freshen up?”
I shared a look with Stu and the looked at Cordy fondly, noticing Dawn trying to smooth her dress out as well.
“Why don’t you come with me,” Fran smiled, “We’ll get you freshened up some and then go meet Mother Abigail.”
As I climbed on my bike and followed after the first humans we’ve seen in… what felt like decades, I couldn’t help but notice the fear that clutched my heart cold. And deep down I knew my time here was going to be a short one. I just didn’t know why.
Is it a kind of shadow
Reaching into the night.
Wondering over the hills unseen.
Or is it a dream.
There's a high wind in the trees.
A cold sound in the air.
And nobody ever knows when you go.
Or where do you start.
Into the dark.
*~*~*~*~
On the Inside, part 3
Walls of love grow all around,
But for me they come tumbling down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger,
I can't stand this pain much longer.
I walk in shadows, searching for live,
Cold and alone no comfort inside.
Meeting Mother Abigail had gone past me like a dream. She’d been just as we imagined her to be. Kind, knowing, and loving. Handing us the flame of hope that had died in ourselves. Despite what we kept telling ourselves, it had died some time ago. Maybe when Xander had died, maybe when we had to leave Angel behind, or when Tara died, or Buffy, or one of the others. We couldn’t tell really.
But it had gone and meeting her, Mother Abigail, it flared up again. A small tiny flame inside myself. A much bigger fire inside Dawn and Cordelia.
“I’m so gosh darn happy ya’lls moved into the house next to me,” Tom Cullen told me after we’d been in Boulder for a few weeks. “M-O-O-N that spells happy, my laws yes.” He gave me a toothy grin which was pretty hard not to return.
“I’m happy that you’re happy, Tom,” I smiled at him, bending down to pick up Hope. She had turned out to be a strange cat. She was around us all the time, mostly Dawn, but never wandered out of sight. Sometimes she went along with Cordelia and I if we had things to do, but mostly she stuck with Dawn.
“Is Miss Cordy gonna be coming?” Tom asked, a blush appearing that went beyond his ears.
My smile grew fond. Tom had developed somewhat of a crush on Cordelia. And Cordelia, bless her, treated the man with kindness but never really gave him any reason to hope. “She should be out shortly.”
He nodded, grinning from ear to ear for a moment until it faded. “You two gonna be helping out Sue and Brad with the electric?”
I nodded grimly. Today we were going to try to get the electricity to work again. And if we managed there was another grisly job waiting for us. All the those electrical supplies in the houses were going to be have to shut off, and most of those houses were still occupied by the dead.
“That aint gonna be pretty,” Tom nodded, “Its gonna be….”
We both paused as Nadine Cross floated past. She’d arrived last week and there really was something very wrong with that woman. Larry Underwood had known her, but didn’t tell anything about that. Just that she was… nuts.
She had to be, it only took her a few days to move in with Harold Lauder, a young chap who gave people, as Dawn put it, the creeps. There was something very wrong about the pair of them and my eyes narrowed as I watched the woman flutter past. Muttering to herself about something or other.
“She makes Fred look sane,” Cordelia’s voice came from behind us.
We both turned around and I watched Tom gape at Cordy before his mouth shut with an audible snap. “Gosh darn, Miss Cordy, you sure are looking mighty pretty. M-O-O-N that spells pretty, my laws yes.”
Cordelia beamed at him. It was only a fraction of the thousand kilo watt smile she once had. “Why thank you, Tom,” she grinned, plucking Hope out of my arms. “Why don’t you bring Hope back to Dawn and the two of you can have fun while Wes and I are…busy.” The smile faltered only for a moment.
Tom beamed at the two of us, nodded eagerly and then ran into the house while cuddling Hope to his chest.
“Let’s go, dork, we have work to do,” Cordelia sighed, a shiver running through her.
“I’m a nerd dammit,” I scolded her. Pushing my hands in my pocket I followed after her toward the energy plant.
It took a few tries but we managed to the power back on. Which meant Cordelia and I spend the better part of the week going from house to house to turn off electrical equipment. And trying not to look at the bodies we found, trying not to choke from the smell, trying not to cry at the enormous losses humanity had suffered because of this flu.
Humanities own fault, or god’s punishment. I leaned toward the first, Mother Abigail toward the second.
Live in Boulder was becoming frighteningly normal. So normal in fact that it all lulled us into a false sense of security. A Free Zone committee was raised to decide on what we were going to do, how to go about building up humanity from scratch. More people arrived, more hope flared up, and yet the dreams about the dark man were coming.
The three of us knew it couldn’t have been a normal man, knew it was a demon. Had to be. And I alone bore the burden of knowing that the vampire with a soul who had once been our friend probably was siding up with this Randal Flagg. Angel would probably never return, the one person who could manage that having died so long ago it seemed now.
Angelus was all there was left.
Cordy nor Dawn had seen Buffy’s body and I knew I should tell them what had really happened to her. Who had really killed her, but they seemed so… happy, here, that I kept on postponing it, until I convinced myself it hardly mattered.
The three of us kept together like a tight knit group. Cordelia still got her visions from…whomever she was receiving them. But they were less frequent and could easily be handled by myself, sometimes with the help of Dawn or Cordelia. The rest of the people never knew what lurked in the night. Aside from Captain Trips.
Mother Abigail knew, we found out after a night of demon fighting had nearly gone wrong. She’d shown up behind us, for once it being all three of us out to dispatch of the vision and then told us to come to her house.
While she took care of the few cuts and bruises we had sustained, she asked us about those demons and nodded. “The Devils imp is more then most realize,” she told us, “more then they will want to realize. It’s up to you to bring him down.” And even though she spoke to all of us, a cold chill went through me when she looked at me and me alone.
“He will fight like the satan’s son he is. But don’t let that bring you all down. You’ve lost so much, even more them most maybe. But I have hope and so should you.” She looked directly at me this time and I had to look away. “I know it’s hard for you to trust, Wesley,” she told me, “But you’re gonna have to learn soon enough. Cause you wont be alone, as long as you’re willing to trust. There’s more that meet the eyes.’
I had no idea what she meant by that and the Wesley of the old would’ve demanded she clarify herself. The one that had been left after the dust had started to settle didn’t want to know. Didn’t want give into this feeling that my task here on earth wasn’t over by a long shot. It was only just beginning and I wasn’t going to like it. Not one bit.
The Devils Imp got his clutches in us deeply when Mother Abigail disappeared. Even deeper when she appeared again and we found out there were people in our midst who belonged to him.
Harold Lauder blew up The Boulder Free Zone Commmitee and then he and Nadine Cross left before the dust had time to lay down. The loss of human life was a blow, the loss of hope was devastating.
The committee struck back the only way they knew how. They needed information and they needed information from the inside. The only way to get it was to get people on the inside. Get people to Las Vegas and scope out this satan in all his glory and find his weak spots.
Find a way to bring him down.
That is how, what was left of the committee, found itself in our living room. They wanted me to be the ones to go over there and look. It had been Mother Abigail’s suggestion before she died. Curse the woman. Neither of the few who were left from the committee knew why, but Dawn and Cordelia knew.
I told them I’d think about it and they left. I had no doubt there were going to be others they would be asking. Neither of us knowing of the other, a well thought out strategic plan. I just hoped it would work.
“You can’t go,” Cordelia insisted.
“Cordelia…” I sighed.
“No! I wont let you go. I’m not gonna loose you to Wes. You know that if you go over there we’re never gonna see you again.”
“How do you know?” Dawn asked quietly, “Did… you get vision about that? I‘m also with the ‘you can‘t go‘ by the way.” She was sitting on the sofa, Hope on her lap looking agitated. The cat kept jumping up and down, curled around my legs then Cordy’s before she jumped back to Dawn.
“You know I have to,” I told them.
“Why? Why you? Cause you know about the demons and the likes? Bullshit!” Cordelia gave me an angry look which I met steadily and threw her hands up in the air. “Damn you, Wes!”
I glanced away from her, over toward Dawn. “I’m sorry, but…”
“…you have to blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah,” Dawn sighed. “Promise me you’re gonna come back.” Large blue eyes looked steadily at me and the intensity in them took me by surprise.
“I promise,” I told her.
“Don’t promise things you can’t keep,” Cordelia scoffed.
I turned my head to look at her and smiled weakly. “I promise to come back.”
We looked at each other for what seemed like hours before she finally moved over to me and hugged me hard enough to keep me from breathing. “I hate you,” she muttered, tears in her voice.
“I love you too,” I agreed, reaching out to draw Dawn into our group hug. “And you. And the stupid cat.”
“I will kick your ass if you get killed,” Cordelia sniffled, pulling away. “Just thought I’d mention that.
“Duly noted.”
“When will you leave?” Dawn wanted to know.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I don’t know what their further plans are.”
It was that very night I snuk out of the house and left for Las Vegas. Without saying goodbye to Cordelia or Dawn. It wasn’t needed. I had promised I’d come back.
It didn’t take me long to get to Las Vegas on my bike. It was closer by then I realized, which was frightening in a way. When I entered the city it reminded me of some modern Sodom and Gomorra. They’d cleaned up the dead bodies as far as I could see. But with the multitude of demons scouring around I wouldn’t be surprised when most of them had been eaten. I found a small hotel tucked away in obscurity and started to look around.
By now I looked nothing like the old Wesley. My glasses had been lost a long time ago and I liked my vision blurry. The real world was to harsh, the lights gave me a headache and there was nothing left to read anyway. Nothing of interest, nothing of need.
I kept a low profile, flitting through the crowds unnoticed. Gathering information as I went. Watching with sickening fascination as sometimes they hounded humans through the streets. Raped men and woman alike in broad daylight. Killed each other while no one batted an eyes. Executed the so called ‘god fearing’ on the huge square in public in the most horrific humiliating and painful ways. Underneath it all the tight regime of a clear cut very well handled deadly army. And there was nothing I could do about it other then go back to my room, vomit, drink and hate myself.
Never once did I see Angelus, but figured he must be holding himself up with the big shots. The ones I was keeping clear off.
Or so I thought. Until one day I saw him and it didn’t in any way surprise me to find him here. Even though I had hoped… somewhere deep down… ever since Vanessa Brewer. But no, he was here, in Vegas. And maybe, just maybe I would find my way onto more information.
If I was careful. I had to play a game, I had to betray my friends if only in words. Anything to get the job done.
But my main problem was to get Lindsey McDonald to notice me without being to obvious.
I looked through the glass darkly,
Trying desperately to see,
But through my warped reflection,
There was nothing left of me.