Portalocity Headquarters [Everytime & sometime, and 15 minutes late, but Tuesday, Nov 8 in Fandom]
The gnome in charge of Portalocity stared at the latest printouts from the various universes the company had lost contact with in the last month and a half. Some would not be missed: places without shrimp, places only with shrimp, places populated by plankton, places with a Hellmouth, places with wars…but there was a not insignificant pile of places with a lot of people who would want to travel back and forth, especially with the holiday season approaching. Tech support had babbled about "unstable vortexes" and "elastic realities" and "timey-wimey" something before becoming truly incomprehensible, and had not offered anything in the way of a timeline for this issue getting fixed.
“Bugger,” the gnome muttered to himself in a nebulously Scottish accent, “what a disaster.” He waddled off toward public relations, which was waiting with its own not insignificant pile of annoyed letters, emails, tweets, and messenger birds from various eras. A few hours later, they’d put together an email:
Greetings, valued customers!
We here at Portalocity™ would like to express our apologies for the slight technical difficulties you may have experienced over the last few weeks as we upgrade our systems to better serve you before the holidays!
Might we recommend you book now? We have some lovely package deals for trips to guaranteed white Christmases a hundred years before your most irritating relatives were even born!
Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Package: $212
You bring the ungrateful friends, this dimension will provide all the toast and popcorn they can eat!
Genuine Dickens-Style Christmas $350
Half price for orphans!
Winter Solstice at Stonehenge $1210
For the do-it-yourselfer who wants to tell their friends they helped to erect Stonehenge!
Hogswatch in Ankh-Morpork $147
For those who prefer their festivals to revolve around pig-killing!
Some restrictions may apply to package deals and all bookings you make, such as five or more layovers, multiple days spent in airports/train stations/unwashed latrines/being chased by easily frightened villagers/disappearing without a trace, etc. Bookings made less than 14 days in advance are non-refundable. Portalocity™ does not accept live animals or human sacrifices as a form of payment for any trip. Local taxes may apply. Offers void in the Dark Ages and portions of Pittsburgh.
Please add deals@portalocity.com to your address book or safe sender list so our emails get to your inbox. This message was sent by Portalocity ™, Mushroom By The Glade, None of Your Business, Sometime.
Please follow us at Portalocity on Twitter and on Facebook!
You are receiving this email because you have an existing relationship with Portalocity. If you no longer wish to receive marketing communications, you can unsubscribe.
The gnome looked over the email copy and nodded. “Let’s see if anyone buys it.”
“Bugger,” the gnome muttered to himself in a nebulously Scottish accent, “what a disaster.” He waddled off toward public relations, which was waiting with its own not insignificant pile of annoyed letters, emails, tweets, and messenger birds from various eras. A few hours later, they’d put together an email:
Greetings, valued customers!
We here at Portalocity™ would like to express our apologies for the slight technical difficulties you may have experienced over the last few weeks as we upgrade our systems to better serve you before the holidays!
Might we recommend you book now? We have some lovely package deals for trips to guaranteed white Christmases a hundred years before your most irritating relatives were even born!
Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Package: $212
You bring the ungrateful friends, this dimension will provide all the toast and popcorn they can eat!
Genuine Dickens-Style Christmas $350
Half price for orphans!
Winter Solstice at Stonehenge $1210
For the do-it-yourselfer who wants to tell their friends they helped to erect Stonehenge!
Hogswatch in Ankh-Morpork $147
For those who prefer their festivals to revolve around pig-killing!
Some restrictions may apply to package deals and all bookings you make, such as five or more layovers, multiple days spent in airports/train stations/unwashed latrines/being chased by easily frightened villagers/disappearing without a trace, etc. Bookings made less than 14 days in advance are non-refundable. Portalocity™ does not accept live animals or human sacrifices as a form of payment for any trip. Local taxes may apply. Offers void in the Dark Ages and portions of Pittsburgh.
Please add deals@portalocity.com to your address book or safe sender list so our emails get to your inbox. This message was sent by Portalocity ™, Mushroom By The Glade, None of Your Business, Sometime.
Please follow us at Portalocity on Twitter and on Facebook!
You are receiving this email because you have an existing relationship with Portalocity. If you no longer wish to receive marketing communications, you can unsubscribe.
The gnome looked over the email copy and nodded. “Let’s see if anyone buys it.”