WIP: You Can Leave Your Hat On [2/?] (PG-13) Logan, Veronica, Dick, cast of BtVS
Title: You Can Leave Your Hat On (2/?)
Author: irmak
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Logan, Veronica, Dick and the Scoobies
Word Count: 4132
Spoilers: Oh, the timeline... Well, it takes place in Season 3 of BtVS and Season 2 of VM. But since it's kind of a crack fic, so it instantly goes AU.
Summary: Neptune has visitors and this is how Logan says welcome, um, bitch. Italics are thoughts.
Notes: A crossover fic written for xbitexmyxlipx for pal_athon. She deserves cookies just because she got my back. Many many thanks to blue_icy_rose, because she actually showed interest and beta-ed. She wins at life. Also, if I could, I would make sure she's got some naked Logan. The title is indeed that Joe Cocker song.
Chapter 1
“No. It can’t be.” Logan wasn’t expecting this. All he wanted was to take this girl out, probably to get lucky within a few dates, tell everyone his latest victory and fucking move along. But his world had changed, turned upside down, and here he was thinking that accused with murder and of being a demon was bad enough.
“We don’t know for sure, Logan.” Buffy sat next to him on the bed, only the two of them were left in the room. Xander had decided that he needed a walk to ‘get over the vision that burned his retina’ and took Willow with him. Cordelia obviously wanted to stay but somehow she didn’t feel comfortable leaving those two alone. Logan was familiar with girls choosing others besides him.
“Well, I know. You’re. Fucking. Wrong,” Logan spat out. The viciousness in his voice made Buffy flinch.
“There’s always a possibility.”
“Whatever.” He held his head between his palms, running his hands through his hair. “I know what to do.”
He reached over and took his cell out of his pocket, dialing the numbers he knew by heart. It’s funny, he did in fact try to forget the numbers but it was like the fucking alphabet or something, or like riding the bicycle; once you learned, you never forgot.
“Logan?” She sounded sleepy, yet worried. Logan suddenly wondered what she was wearing right now. Even though she was on the other side of the telephone, his heart skipped a beat.
Oh, I’m such a pussy.
“Veronica?”
“What’s wrong?” Now she sounded tired, like she’d had fucking enough with Logan Echolls and his self-destructive ways.
“Where did Duncan go, Veronica?” He tried to stay calm, ask this question oh-so-randomly, but he could almost see her holding the phone, mouth wide open, sparks of anger flaring in her eyes.
She is so fucking predictable. Bring it on, Veronica. Tell me how fucked up I am.
“What the fuck is your problem, Logan? It’s-” She obviously paused to look at her watch, “-it’s midnight on a fucking school night and you wanna know where the hell Duncan is?” She took a deep breath. “Are you high or just drunk? I’m just not that good following your daily routine anymore.”
Logan didn’t answer for a minute. Somehow, while one tiny blond could make him feel sick to his stomach, the other one calmed him down. There was something soothing in Buffy’s always challenging eyes.
Yeah, Logan, that’s what you exactly need right now, fucking messing around.
“Veronica.” He bet his voice had never been this soft since they- no, she broke up with him. She indeed stopped bitching and listened to him. At least that was a start. “We just have to talk to him.”
“We?”
Logan knew she just wouldn’t confess that she knew where Duncan went. He shook his head at Buffy.
“Is it his girlfriend?” Buffy asked as Logan nodded. “Ask her about the marks.”
“Okay, so, Veronica, this may sound-” He couldn’t finish his sentence because Veronica butted in, with something different in her voice.
“Who’s that?”
Jealousy. Fucking jealousy.
“Veronica! Listen to me! This is important! Tell me if you’d seen any marks on Duncan’s body before he…” Logan looked for the right words, “took off.”
“Wha- No. No. Not that I recall.” This was probably the first time Veronica Mars relented before asking so many fucking annoying questions. Suddenly, her voice changed, it wasn’t as self-reliant as it was before. “But, um, it’s been a while since…” Her voice trailed off.
“Oh. I see.” He was suddenly blushing.
And fucking relieved.
“What is this about, Logan?” He didn’t understand why the hell she spoke like fucking Mother Teresa, all so understanding and helpful. It was probably the pity talking.
Figures.
“I’ll tell you all later.”
“No. Where are you? I can sneak out. We have to talk about this.”
There wasn’t any way to respond that without obvious innuendos. “Oh. I’m… out.” He coughed. “In Camelot,” before she could say anything, he added, “with these guys, um, crowded.”
When he finally looked at Buffy again, he saw her teasing half smile and cocked eyebrow. He shrugged his shoulders. If only she knew everything, then she would have understood. Logan wondered whether Buffy ever let her heart be broken like this.
“I’m coming over.”
Veronica hung up before Logan could protest. Buffy was grinning like Logan flashed her again. He took his head between his hands.
“Fuck.”
Logan thanked God for the rest of Buffy’s gang showing up before Veronica came, although he was kinda suspecting that Buffy didn’t actually call ‘Angel’ earlier but instead informed them to come back for saving Logan’s ass. Of course she was lying. Who would name their son Angel, anyway?
Veronica entered the room cautiously, she looked almost certain that Logan was indeed doing the deed with some girl. Her eyes wandered around on everyone as they introduced themselves, but they suspiciously narrowed when she met Buffy, only to raise them to meet Logan’s for a second. But she took her fucking time when she was introduced to Cordelia as she turned to Logan with a smug smile on her face.
“Oh, wait, I’m so good with names. Let me guess, Kendall? No?” She chuckled. “My bad.”
“Jesus, Veronica!” Logan groaned.
“And I’m Xander.” He stepped in front of everyone, chest stuck out. He was probably trying to woo Veronica or something.
“It’s really nice to meet you all,” Veronica said, sarcasm oozing from her voice, “but can anyone please tell me why the hell you’re looking for Duncan?”
The determined look in Veronica’s eyes convinced Logan that it was going to be one long night.
---
Veronica didn’t look convinced but when she just listened and didn’t make any witty remarks, Logan felt some relief. After all, he was the one that witnessed Buffy stabbing a fucking vampire through the heart.
She nodded a few times before saying something. Then, she looked at Logan. “Do you believe in any of this shit?” she asked incredulously. “I mean, come on! Oh, please, tell me more. Do those monsters vomit any green stuff or do their heads turn around, like, 360 degrees? Because that would be so cool!”
“I think you should take her out on your patrol, Buffy,” Willow suggested.
“So, you’re a natural blond, I believe,” Xander said, impressed, “Maybe you’d like some doughnuts?” He motioned to the doughnut plate.
“Isn’t there any jelly left? How is that even possible?” Logan asked suspiciously.
“You wanted some?” Buffy sounded guilty.
“Well, yeah. I was the one asking for the jelly.”
“We’re sorry. Buffy ate three,” Willow pointed out as Buffy pouted.
Veronica stood up impatiently. “Logan? Starve. And what the hell is that patrol you’re talking about?”
“It’s like Platoon only with less humans and more vampires,” Xander explained.
“I wish I could say with a smaller massacre, but, I’d be lying.” Willow completed the explanation knowingly.
Veronica shook her head and leaned forward to Logan to whisper into his ear. “What the hell have you gotten yourself into?” She rose up again and faced the others. “So, are we going ‘patrolling’ or staying here to keep bonding?”
“Let’s go.” Buffy walked out of the room as Veronica followed.
Xander squeezed Logan’s shoulder sympathetically. “Man, is that your ex?”
Logan nodded.
“Man,” Xander continued, “you’re seriously in big trouble.”
“Don’t I know it.”
After a few hours, the girls returned and from Veronica’s dumbfounded expression, Logan knew that she was finally willing to start cooperating.
Veronica talked so softly that Logan probably never heard her speaking like this. “Okay, I’ve heard about some of the murders that you mentioned but never thought that they would be linked with each other, um, not to mention a demon.”
“So your boyfriend-” Buffy was sympathetic.
“He couldn’t. He… he isn’t a murderer.”
Buffy nodded her head. “I’m sure. But this has nothing to do with murder. He’s probably infected, too. It’s not in his hands.”
“But you said that you can only get infected by,” Veronica paused for a second and took a deep breath, “you know, sex.”
Everyone sat there in silence as realization dawned on her.
“No.” Veronica shook her head repeatedly for a few times. “No! It’s just… There’s just no way, okay? What makes you think that he’s infected, anyway?” She stabbed a finger at Logan. “Did he say something? He is lying.”
Logan chuckled icily. “I’m so out of here.”
As he walked out of the room, Buffy stopped him. “Hey, wait.” She faced Veronica. “Look, this has nothing to do with him. We know that someone from that penthouse murdered someone, okay? And we know Logan isn’t guilty. And guess who that leads us to?”
Veronica didn’t say anything, just kept staring at Logan with disgust in her eyes, arms folded across her chest.
God, what the hell did I do to deserve this much hatred?
“Besides,” Buffy continued slowly, “I honestly don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I think you’re a little bit harsh on him. The minute we figured out what was going on, he was worried about you.”
Veronica glared at Buffy this time. “Well, yeah, you don’t know anything, so stay out of it.”
I shouldn’t have fucking called her. I’m a fucking idiot. Why the hell do I even care?
“Please Buffy, allow her. This is how she gets through everyday. Blame Logan for every fucking thing that’s wrong in your life and you’re free like a bird.” Logan clapped his arms repeatedly for a few times, doing his best in impersonating a pigeon.
Veronica took a deep breath. “Look, I’m, um,” she obviously swallowed her pride, “sorry, okay? I’m kinda…confused right now. I’m…” She couldn’t continue.
Logan nodded for a few times, his anger slowly melting away. “That’s okay.”
Buffy and her gang shared glances, as if they were amazed by the bickering and instantly-letting-go capacity of those two.
Well, you learn to live with Veronica Mars. It’s the same sick routine all over. Get blamed, get pissed, get over it.
Welcome to my world.
“So,” Buffy’s voice rose again, “I think I’ve got a plan. Logan, name everyone that stayed over in your penthouse since the 19th of December. That’s when the murders had started. If someone from that penthouse killed anyone, we have to know who our suspects are, other than Duncan.”
A smirk that was long gone re-appeared on Logan’s face. “Sorry. I don’t believe in cuddling afterwards.”
“I meant the guys, jackass.”
“In that case, um, we had this ‘End of The World Party’ because some bum told us that the end was near and we’d all go to hell-”
“Why am I not surprised?” Veronica asked, smiling. “The bum obviously remembered you from this certain incident.”
Logan waved his hand towards her, ignoring her. “And then there was this ‘Die or Die’ party, you know, we played videogames and the loser had to drink a bottle of Jack, hence the ‘or die’ part. Oh, not to mention ‘Dress to Get Fucked’ party, only I honestly can’t remember who actually stayed there since my, um, date had this kink about the laundry room.”
When Logan noticed Xander’s wide open eyes, he explained: “Those machines vibrate.”
“Oh. I see.” Xander swallowed audibly.
“Jesus. Don’t you guys have anything else to do?” Buffy sighed.
“We are-” Logan paused for a second, “we were the most wanted emancipated minors in Neptune, living in a penthouse. What do you think?”
“I think,” Veronica interrupted, “we should start investigating the 09ers, immediately, before someone else gets hurt.”
“Oh, I think we’re a little late for that.” Willow sounded upset. “Check out Neptune Online,” she turned her notebook so that everyone could see the headline, “‘Massacre in Neptune’. In the last 6 hours, three more men were murdered. I guess these are the ones who resisted to, um, any kind of interaction.”
“It’s spreading.” Cordelia looked worried.
Buffy looked at Logan with sorrow. The demon was one of his friends. “I say we make a list, now, and start with the people closest to you.”
“Why closest?”
“Because you’ll try to find out whether they’d like to infect you, too.”
Logan knew what she meant, and for the first time he begged to be wrong. “And how the hell will I do that?”
Buffy’s answer made Veronica giggle. “You’ll try to seduce them.”
Oh, GREAT!
---
“I don’t think I can do this, V.” Logan looked extremely pale.
“Sure you can, Logan. We’ll be in the next room. Oh, speaking of, I need you to pay me a grand.”
“What?”
“Well, surveillance costs, okay? Plus, these are your friends we’re talking about, not mine.”
“Like I don’t say that to myself every fucking second.” Logan sighed so slowly.
Veronica hesitated before touching him, but somehow she obviously managed to convince herself that he wouldn’t bite or anything, so she gave him a little squeeze on the arm, her touch as soft as feather.
“I know this is hard for you, thinking what if Dick is the one. I have to admit, even though I’ve suspected that something was dead wrong with him, I’ve always thought that he was just missing some brain cells. The thought of him planting his demon seeds into men just beats me.”
Logan chuckled. “Okay. That’s not a visual I need right now. And what bothers me is…” he palmed his forehead, “how the hell am I supposed to seduce Dick? God! That sounds so fucking wrong when said out loud.”
She leaned a little bit forward. “I think my ears are bleeding.”
“Well, of course, I could just woo anybody. But… Damn! It’s Dick.”
Veronica’s phone ringed for a second. “He’s arrived.”
“Why the hell didn’t you go to the lobby with them? They only saw his picture. What if they’re wrong?”
“I just wanted to make sure that you were alright.” When she saw the intense look in Logan’s eyes she changed the subject. “It’s Dick.” She raised an eyebrow. “That blond fugly hair is yelling ‘I’m a Dick’, ah sorry, ‘I’m Dick’ from miles away.” She checked her watch. “I’m going. We’ll be next door, watching your every move, okay? Don’t worry.”
Logan nodded and sat on the couch miserably.
Veronica turned back on her toes right before she left. “Logan? The fate of the world is in your hands, now.” She smiled. “Just always wanted to say that. Be careful. And be hundred percent sure, whatever it takes.”
And she was gone. Like that.
It wasn’t a minute after or so that there was a knock on the door. Then another and another. Well, if someone ever enjoyed punching Logan’s door like it’s Osama Bin Laden, it was Dick.
Logan took a deep breath before opening to door and greeting him.
“Dude, I saw the hottest blonde downstairs,” Dick started babbling even before he entered the room, “but she was with this totally emo guy and a Ghost World chick that kinda looked like Trina.”
“Whatever. Come on in, man.” Logan turned around and walked towards his bedroom nervously.
“Dude, I’m telling you-wow!” Dick looked around Logan’s room. The lights were dim, there were candles burning all over the place. He slowly smiled tapping Logan’s shoulder. “Man, you totally banged a girl! And you obviously stole this candles theme from a chick flick. Awesome. Was it that blond sophom-”
Logan coughed loudly.
Goddammit, Dick! Veronica is in the next room, listening! Fuck.
“Oh no, man. I just told the room service that I was expecting a friend then went out, and apparently they just got me wrong.” Logan waited for Dick to buy that shit.
Dick’s eyes narrowed for a split second, and then he shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. I have to pee.”
When he went to the bathroom, Logan turned to the nearest camera which was hidden on the table lamp. “I fucking told you that this was way too fucking gay. Fuck. Why don’t you ever listen to me? I told you-”
“Dude, are you talking to your table lamp?”
Logan turned around, mouth hung open. If the situation weren’t this fucked up, he could have found a fucking suitable thing to say, but now, the words had abandoned him. He could almost hear Veronica giggling in the next room, waiting for him to get the hell out of this.
“Am I talking to my lamp? What hell did you take this time? Seriously, man, you should just go easy on that stuff. I don’t wanna drag your ass to rehab.”
“What? I,” Dick pointed at the lamb, “I saw-what?”
Logan tilted his head slowly in a way that Veronica always did and looked so darn cute. Maybe it would work for him, too.
“Dude,” Dick continued, “something is going on with you today and I totally know how to make you feel better.”
Don’t say hot sponge bath. Don’t say hot sponge bath. Don’t say hot sponge bath.
“What?” Logan’s voice wasn’t higher that a whisper.
“By yanking your spine out!” Dick exclaimed, sitting on the couch as he reached to the game controller.
“Oh.” Logan didn’t know whether to feel relieved or upset since he still had work to do.
“Hey, man, don’t sound so psyched,” Dick said with sarcasm “Okay, I might even let you to hit me for a few times, but if any one of us should touch a spine, it’ll be me.”
“I was thinking something more of a, um,” Logan took out two bottles of beer from his mini bar, “talk.”
Dick cocked an eyebrow. “Talk?”
“Talk.” Logan sat next to Dick on the couch, passing him a bottle, as he chugged his.
“Dude, this sounds like Queer-” Dick suddenly stopped talking when something obviously dawned on him. He looked around, checking out the room one more time, glanced over at Logan and then drank from his beer. Logan knew that he understood…something, he was just never quite sure what to think when it came to Dick.
Dick slowly continued. “Um, okay…I guess. We can talk, too. I mean we’re not some fucking cavemen, are we now? We can, um, talk.”
And then, Dick gave Logan that look. Logan could swear on his life that it was the same fucking look Jerry gave Elaine before they discussed how they wanted ‘this, that and the other’.
“So.”
“So.”
An awkward silence filled the room and Logan knew that he had to make a move. After all, wasn’t the fate of world lying in his hands?
“Dude, you know, um,” Logan swallowed convulsively as he was nodding repeatedly, “that, I…um, that you, uh, I’m always grateful that you’re, uh, there for me.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Dick paused. “Uh, same here.”
The ‘gang’ next door must be laughing their asses off. Fuck them all. Jesus. I can’t breathe.
They kept looking forward until Logan realized that Dick raised his head to look-no, to fucking stare at him. Logan had nothing to do but to meet Dick’s eyes, which were darkened with intensity.
Oh, holy Jesus, Joseph and Mary.
Dick licked his lips.
Oh, God. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Dick leaned a little bit forward towards Logan and waited for a response. When he didn’t -I fucking can’t- move, that obviously encouraged Dick and his lips met Logan’s.
FUCK.
Logan noticed that he had never looked at Dick from this close. His eyes were closed as he pressed his lips-
OH JESUS CHRIST, IS THAT HIS TONGUE?!
The second Logan put his hands on Dick’s shoulder and pushed him, the door swung open as everybody raced in.
“Back off, Dick!” Veronica yelled out.
Within a few seconds, even before Dick fell to the floor on his ass, Logan was up and standing next to Veronica as if he needed her protection.
“What the hell?” Dick looked at the crowd in the room.
Buffy took a few steps forward. “Hello, Dick. I’m Buffy, and I’ll be your Slayer tonight if you don’t cooperate.”
“You…you’re the chick from the lobby. Oh, whatever. Logan?” Dick pleaded softly. “I…I can explain I was just…”
“Feeling a little demon-ish today?” Veronica smiled tightly.
“What? What the hell are you talking about you crazy bit-” Dick paused when he saw the anger in Logan’s eyes. “I thought you were into it and I, I just…for you, man. I gave it a try, uh,” his voiced trailed off, “for you.”
Veronica chuckled bitterly. “Aw, how ridiculously romantic. And the next thing we know Dick will rent a loft and ask Logan to move in with him.”
Xander smiled sheepishly at Veronica. “Ha! You mean like Brian and Justin from-” he stopped for a brief second when everybody looked at him, then continued murmuring, “um, not that I’d know. I don’t, like, watch Queer As Folk or something.”
“How are we going to know if he’s just infected or the mother demon?” Cordelia asked.
“A mother demon?” Dick’s mouth dropped open.
“I don’t exactly know, okay? Will is still looking for clues. But now we’ll look for marks, just to be sure.” Buffy took another step forward and pointed a finger at Dick. “Undress, now.”
“WHAT? Logan? What the hell is-” Dick tried to get up and leave, but Buffy’s little shove threw him back to the wall. “Oh, Jesus! That hurt, you bitch!”
Veronica walked to him, with taser in her hand. “Yeah, so tell me Dick, calling her bitch will help you, how?”
“What the hell do you want from me?”
Logan could swear he had never seen Dick crying before, and also he had never thought he would feel this bad for him.
“Okay, Veronica, that’s enough.” He knelt next to his only-best-friend-that-didn’t-flee-the-country. “Man, I’m sorry for everything, but you should seriously start undressing. These people-” he pointed at the angry faces behind them, “ain’t messing around. They’re just looking for something, okay? I undressed too, you know.”
“But why should I?”
“Dude,” Logan lowered his voice, “you kissed me!”
“Only because you totally wanted me to!”
“I…”
“Dude, look around! Candles, ‘no videogames, let’s talk’? ‘It means so much’? You were totally hitting on me!” Dick stated the obvious.
“Um, so?” Logan tried to smile, but his sense of humor had apparently left him.
“So is it fucking okay for you to come onto me but me kissing you is a big fat no-no?”
“Dude, I’m not gay.”
“Neither am I,” Dick said softly, “I just…I love you, man. I thought you wanted me to, you know?”
Logan slowly eyed the impatience crowd as he whispered to Dick. “Uh, I… I mean, sure, um, we’re, we’re the lone wolfs, the heartbreakers, man. You just have to get undressed, okay? I know it’s not your fault. You can’t help it. You’re infected.” He flashed a very faux smile.
“If you want me to undress, I’d fucking do this, man, but I’m not a fucking monster.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Logan lied.
Damn, Dick, who the hell infected you? I’m going to kick its ass back to hell.
Dick slowly got up and took off his tight red shirt, unbuckled his belt, slid it out and let it fall. He slowly dropped his jeans, raising one knee then the other. He reached for his socks and took them off, too. He stared at everyone in his boxers.
“That, too.” Buffy ordered.
The tears had vanished, and it was the same old Dick facing them, that Logan had known since they were twelve.
“Well, since we have such an awesome audience tonight…” He slid out of his boxers.
As the girls were checking his body for marks, except for Veronica who left the room saying that she was about to hurl, Dick gave the girls a smug smile and a nice view of his erection.
“Oh, ew!” Cordelia took a step back.
“Come on, sweetheart, there’s enough Dick for all of you.”
“Yeah, but I prefer guys that are turned on by girls, not by their best friends.”
“I’m just into new things, babe. And seeing the two of you here just gives me the ideas.”
“Hey, I’m here, too.” Willow got up, pouting.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“I sometimes miss my vampire version,” she muttered under her breath.
Buffy finally rose and turned to Logan. “No marks.”
“Oh, that’s good.” Logan looked relieved for a second, and when he saw Buffy dropping her eyes, it dawned on him. “Oh. So Dick kissed me…as himself. Oh, that’s…not so good.”
Dick smiled brightly. “I told you I’m not a monster, man! So, who wants to get his or her spine yanked out?”
Buffy patted Logan’s shoulder. “Hey, at least now you know for sure that you’re just plain irresistible.”
---
Author: irmak
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Logan, Veronica, Dick and the Scoobies
Word Count: 4132
Spoilers: Oh, the timeline... Well, it takes place in Season 3 of BtVS and Season 2 of VM. But since it's kind of a crack fic, so it instantly goes AU.
Summary: Neptune has visitors and this is how Logan says welcome, um, bitch. Italics are thoughts.
Notes: A crossover fic written for xbitexmyxlipx for pal_athon. She deserves cookies just because she got my back. Many many thanks to blue_icy_rose, because she actually showed interest and beta-ed. She wins at life. Also, if I could, I would make sure she's got some naked Logan. The title is indeed that Joe Cocker song.
Chapter 1
“No. It can’t be.” Logan wasn’t expecting this. All he wanted was to take this girl out, probably to get lucky within a few dates, tell everyone his latest victory and fucking move along. But his world had changed, turned upside down, and here he was thinking that accused with murder and of being a demon was bad enough.
“We don’t know for sure, Logan.” Buffy sat next to him on the bed, only the two of them were left in the room. Xander had decided that he needed a walk to ‘get over the vision that burned his retina’ and took Willow with him. Cordelia obviously wanted to stay but somehow she didn’t feel comfortable leaving those two alone. Logan was familiar with girls choosing others besides him.
“Well, I know. You’re. Fucking. Wrong,” Logan spat out. The viciousness in his voice made Buffy flinch.
“There’s always a possibility.”
“Whatever.” He held his head between his palms, running his hands through his hair. “I know what to do.”
He reached over and took his cell out of his pocket, dialing the numbers he knew by heart. It’s funny, he did in fact try to forget the numbers but it was like the fucking alphabet or something, or like riding the bicycle; once you learned, you never forgot.
“Logan?” She sounded sleepy, yet worried. Logan suddenly wondered what she was wearing right now. Even though she was on the other side of the telephone, his heart skipped a beat.
Oh, I’m such a pussy.
“Veronica?”
“What’s wrong?” Now she sounded tired, like she’d had fucking enough with Logan Echolls and his self-destructive ways.
“Where did Duncan go, Veronica?” He tried to stay calm, ask this question oh-so-randomly, but he could almost see her holding the phone, mouth wide open, sparks of anger flaring in her eyes.
She is so fucking predictable. Bring it on, Veronica. Tell me how fucked up I am.
“What the fuck is your problem, Logan? It’s-” She obviously paused to look at her watch, “-it’s midnight on a fucking school night and you wanna know where the hell Duncan is?” She took a deep breath. “Are you high or just drunk? I’m just not that good following your daily routine anymore.”
Logan didn’t answer for a minute. Somehow, while one tiny blond could make him feel sick to his stomach, the other one calmed him down. There was something soothing in Buffy’s always challenging eyes.
Yeah, Logan, that’s what you exactly need right now, fucking messing around.
“Veronica.” He bet his voice had never been this soft since they- no, she broke up with him. She indeed stopped bitching and listened to him. At least that was a start. “We just have to talk to him.”
“We?”
Logan knew she just wouldn’t confess that she knew where Duncan went. He shook his head at Buffy.
“Is it his girlfriend?” Buffy asked as Logan nodded. “Ask her about the marks.”
“Okay, so, Veronica, this may sound-” He couldn’t finish his sentence because Veronica butted in, with something different in her voice.
“Who’s that?”
Jealousy. Fucking jealousy.
“Veronica! Listen to me! This is important! Tell me if you’d seen any marks on Duncan’s body before he…” Logan looked for the right words, “took off.”
“Wha- No. No. Not that I recall.” This was probably the first time Veronica Mars relented before asking so many fucking annoying questions. Suddenly, her voice changed, it wasn’t as self-reliant as it was before. “But, um, it’s been a while since…” Her voice trailed off.
“Oh. I see.” He was suddenly blushing.
And fucking relieved.
“What is this about, Logan?” He didn’t understand why the hell she spoke like fucking Mother Teresa, all so understanding and helpful. It was probably the pity talking.
Figures.
“I’ll tell you all later.”
“No. Where are you? I can sneak out. We have to talk about this.”
There wasn’t any way to respond that without obvious innuendos. “Oh. I’m… out.” He coughed. “In Camelot,” before she could say anything, he added, “with these guys, um, crowded.”
When he finally looked at Buffy again, he saw her teasing half smile and cocked eyebrow. He shrugged his shoulders. If only she knew everything, then she would have understood. Logan wondered whether Buffy ever let her heart be broken like this.
“I’m coming over.”
Veronica hung up before Logan could protest. Buffy was grinning like Logan flashed her again. He took his head between his hands.
“Fuck.”
Logan thanked God for the rest of Buffy’s gang showing up before Veronica came, although he was kinda suspecting that Buffy didn’t actually call ‘Angel’ earlier but instead informed them to come back for saving Logan’s ass. Of course she was lying. Who would name their son Angel, anyway?
Veronica entered the room cautiously, she looked almost certain that Logan was indeed doing the deed with some girl. Her eyes wandered around on everyone as they introduced themselves, but they suspiciously narrowed when she met Buffy, only to raise them to meet Logan’s for a second. But she took her fucking time when she was introduced to Cordelia as she turned to Logan with a smug smile on her face.
“Oh, wait, I’m so good with names. Let me guess, Kendall? No?” She chuckled. “My bad.”
“Jesus, Veronica!” Logan groaned.
“And I’m Xander.” He stepped in front of everyone, chest stuck out. He was probably trying to woo Veronica or something.
“It’s really nice to meet you all,” Veronica said, sarcasm oozing from her voice, “but can anyone please tell me why the hell you’re looking for Duncan?”
The determined look in Veronica’s eyes convinced Logan that it was going to be one long night.
---
Veronica didn’t look convinced but when she just listened and didn’t make any witty remarks, Logan felt some relief. After all, he was the one that witnessed Buffy stabbing a fucking vampire through the heart.
She nodded a few times before saying something. Then, she looked at Logan. “Do you believe in any of this shit?” she asked incredulously. “I mean, come on! Oh, please, tell me more. Do those monsters vomit any green stuff or do their heads turn around, like, 360 degrees? Because that would be so cool!”
“I think you should take her out on your patrol, Buffy,” Willow suggested.
“So, you’re a natural blond, I believe,” Xander said, impressed, “Maybe you’d like some doughnuts?” He motioned to the doughnut plate.
“Isn’t there any jelly left? How is that even possible?” Logan asked suspiciously.
“You wanted some?” Buffy sounded guilty.
“Well, yeah. I was the one asking for the jelly.”
“We’re sorry. Buffy ate three,” Willow pointed out as Buffy pouted.
Veronica stood up impatiently. “Logan? Starve. And what the hell is that patrol you’re talking about?”
“It’s like Platoon only with less humans and more vampires,” Xander explained.
“I wish I could say with a smaller massacre, but, I’d be lying.” Willow completed the explanation knowingly.
Veronica shook her head and leaned forward to Logan to whisper into his ear. “What the hell have you gotten yourself into?” She rose up again and faced the others. “So, are we going ‘patrolling’ or staying here to keep bonding?”
“Let’s go.” Buffy walked out of the room as Veronica followed.
Xander squeezed Logan’s shoulder sympathetically. “Man, is that your ex?”
Logan nodded.
“Man,” Xander continued, “you’re seriously in big trouble.”
“Don’t I know it.”
After a few hours, the girls returned and from Veronica’s dumbfounded expression, Logan knew that she was finally willing to start cooperating.
Veronica talked so softly that Logan probably never heard her speaking like this. “Okay, I’ve heard about some of the murders that you mentioned but never thought that they would be linked with each other, um, not to mention a demon.”
“So your boyfriend-” Buffy was sympathetic.
“He couldn’t. He… he isn’t a murderer.”
Buffy nodded her head. “I’m sure. But this has nothing to do with murder. He’s probably infected, too. It’s not in his hands.”
“But you said that you can only get infected by,” Veronica paused for a second and took a deep breath, “you know, sex.”
Everyone sat there in silence as realization dawned on her.
“No.” Veronica shook her head repeatedly for a few times. “No! It’s just… There’s just no way, okay? What makes you think that he’s infected, anyway?” She stabbed a finger at Logan. “Did he say something? He is lying.”
Logan chuckled icily. “I’m so out of here.”
As he walked out of the room, Buffy stopped him. “Hey, wait.” She faced Veronica. “Look, this has nothing to do with him. We know that someone from that penthouse murdered someone, okay? And we know Logan isn’t guilty. And guess who that leads us to?”
Veronica didn’t say anything, just kept staring at Logan with disgust in her eyes, arms folded across her chest.
God, what the hell did I do to deserve this much hatred?
“Besides,” Buffy continued slowly, “I honestly don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I think you’re a little bit harsh on him. The minute we figured out what was going on, he was worried about you.”
Veronica glared at Buffy this time. “Well, yeah, you don’t know anything, so stay out of it.”
I shouldn’t have fucking called her. I’m a fucking idiot. Why the hell do I even care?
“Please Buffy, allow her. This is how she gets through everyday. Blame Logan for every fucking thing that’s wrong in your life and you’re free like a bird.” Logan clapped his arms repeatedly for a few times, doing his best in impersonating a pigeon.
Veronica took a deep breath. “Look, I’m, um,” she obviously swallowed her pride, “sorry, okay? I’m kinda…confused right now. I’m…” She couldn’t continue.
Logan nodded for a few times, his anger slowly melting away. “That’s okay.”
Buffy and her gang shared glances, as if they were amazed by the bickering and instantly-letting-go capacity of those two.
Well, you learn to live with Veronica Mars. It’s the same sick routine all over. Get blamed, get pissed, get over it.
Welcome to my world.
“So,” Buffy’s voice rose again, “I think I’ve got a plan. Logan, name everyone that stayed over in your penthouse since the 19th of December. That’s when the murders had started. If someone from that penthouse killed anyone, we have to know who our suspects are, other than Duncan.”
A smirk that was long gone re-appeared on Logan’s face. “Sorry. I don’t believe in cuddling afterwards.”
“I meant the guys, jackass.”
“In that case, um, we had this ‘End of The World Party’ because some bum told us that the end was near and we’d all go to hell-”
“Why am I not surprised?” Veronica asked, smiling. “The bum obviously remembered you from this certain incident.”
Logan waved his hand towards her, ignoring her. “And then there was this ‘Die or Die’ party, you know, we played videogames and the loser had to drink a bottle of Jack, hence the ‘or die’ part. Oh, not to mention ‘Dress to Get Fucked’ party, only I honestly can’t remember who actually stayed there since my, um, date had this kink about the laundry room.”
When Logan noticed Xander’s wide open eyes, he explained: “Those machines vibrate.”
“Oh. I see.” Xander swallowed audibly.
“Jesus. Don’t you guys have anything else to do?” Buffy sighed.
“We are-” Logan paused for a second, “we were the most wanted emancipated minors in Neptune, living in a penthouse. What do you think?”
“I think,” Veronica interrupted, “we should start investigating the 09ers, immediately, before someone else gets hurt.”
“Oh, I think we’re a little late for that.” Willow sounded upset. “Check out Neptune Online,” she turned her notebook so that everyone could see the headline, “‘Massacre in Neptune’. In the last 6 hours, three more men were murdered. I guess these are the ones who resisted to, um, any kind of interaction.”
“It’s spreading.” Cordelia looked worried.
Buffy looked at Logan with sorrow. The demon was one of his friends. “I say we make a list, now, and start with the people closest to you.”
“Why closest?”
“Because you’ll try to find out whether they’d like to infect you, too.”
Logan knew what she meant, and for the first time he begged to be wrong. “And how the hell will I do that?”
Buffy’s answer made Veronica giggle. “You’ll try to seduce them.”
Oh, GREAT!
---
“I don’t think I can do this, V.” Logan looked extremely pale.
“Sure you can, Logan. We’ll be in the next room. Oh, speaking of, I need you to pay me a grand.”
“What?”
“Well, surveillance costs, okay? Plus, these are your friends we’re talking about, not mine.”
“Like I don’t say that to myself every fucking second.” Logan sighed so slowly.
Veronica hesitated before touching him, but somehow she obviously managed to convince herself that he wouldn’t bite or anything, so she gave him a little squeeze on the arm, her touch as soft as feather.
“I know this is hard for you, thinking what if Dick is the one. I have to admit, even though I’ve suspected that something was dead wrong with him, I’ve always thought that he was just missing some brain cells. The thought of him planting his demon seeds into men just beats me.”
Logan chuckled. “Okay. That’s not a visual I need right now. And what bothers me is…” he palmed his forehead, “how the hell am I supposed to seduce Dick? God! That sounds so fucking wrong when said out loud.”
She leaned a little bit forward. “I think my ears are bleeding.”
“Well, of course, I could just woo anybody. But… Damn! It’s Dick.”
Veronica’s phone ringed for a second. “He’s arrived.”
“Why the hell didn’t you go to the lobby with them? They only saw his picture. What if they’re wrong?”
“I just wanted to make sure that you were alright.” When she saw the intense look in Logan’s eyes she changed the subject. “It’s Dick.” She raised an eyebrow. “That blond fugly hair is yelling ‘I’m a Dick’, ah sorry, ‘I’m Dick’ from miles away.” She checked her watch. “I’m going. We’ll be next door, watching your every move, okay? Don’t worry.”
Logan nodded and sat on the couch miserably.
Veronica turned back on her toes right before she left. “Logan? The fate of the world is in your hands, now.” She smiled. “Just always wanted to say that. Be careful. And be hundred percent sure, whatever it takes.”
And she was gone. Like that.
It wasn’t a minute after or so that there was a knock on the door. Then another and another. Well, if someone ever enjoyed punching Logan’s door like it’s Osama Bin Laden, it was Dick.
Logan took a deep breath before opening to door and greeting him.
“Dude, I saw the hottest blonde downstairs,” Dick started babbling even before he entered the room, “but she was with this totally emo guy and a Ghost World chick that kinda looked like Trina.”
“Whatever. Come on in, man.” Logan turned around and walked towards his bedroom nervously.
“Dude, I’m telling you-wow!” Dick looked around Logan’s room. The lights were dim, there were candles burning all over the place. He slowly smiled tapping Logan’s shoulder. “Man, you totally banged a girl! And you obviously stole this candles theme from a chick flick. Awesome. Was it that blond sophom-”
Logan coughed loudly.
Goddammit, Dick! Veronica is in the next room, listening! Fuck.
“Oh no, man. I just told the room service that I was expecting a friend then went out, and apparently they just got me wrong.” Logan waited for Dick to buy that shit.
Dick’s eyes narrowed for a split second, and then he shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. I have to pee.”
When he went to the bathroom, Logan turned to the nearest camera which was hidden on the table lamp. “I fucking told you that this was way too fucking gay. Fuck. Why don’t you ever listen to me? I told you-”
“Dude, are you talking to your table lamp?”
Logan turned around, mouth hung open. If the situation weren’t this fucked up, he could have found a fucking suitable thing to say, but now, the words had abandoned him. He could almost hear Veronica giggling in the next room, waiting for him to get the hell out of this.
“Am I talking to my lamp? What hell did you take this time? Seriously, man, you should just go easy on that stuff. I don’t wanna drag your ass to rehab.”
“What? I,” Dick pointed at the lamb, “I saw-what?”
Logan tilted his head slowly in a way that Veronica always did and looked so darn cute. Maybe it would work for him, too.
“Dude,” Dick continued, “something is going on with you today and I totally know how to make you feel better.”
Don’t say hot sponge bath. Don’t say hot sponge bath. Don’t say hot sponge bath.
“What?” Logan’s voice wasn’t higher that a whisper.
“By yanking your spine out!” Dick exclaimed, sitting on the couch as he reached to the game controller.
“Oh.” Logan didn’t know whether to feel relieved or upset since he still had work to do.
“Hey, man, don’t sound so psyched,” Dick said with sarcasm “Okay, I might even let you to hit me for a few times, but if any one of us should touch a spine, it’ll be me.”
“I was thinking something more of a, um,” Logan took out two bottles of beer from his mini bar, “talk.”
Dick cocked an eyebrow. “Talk?”
“Talk.” Logan sat next to Dick on the couch, passing him a bottle, as he chugged his.
“Dude, this sounds like Queer-” Dick suddenly stopped talking when something obviously dawned on him. He looked around, checking out the room one more time, glanced over at Logan and then drank from his beer. Logan knew that he understood…something, he was just never quite sure what to think when it came to Dick.
Dick slowly continued. “Um, okay…I guess. We can talk, too. I mean we’re not some fucking cavemen, are we now? We can, um, talk.”
And then, Dick gave Logan that look. Logan could swear on his life that it was the same fucking look Jerry gave Elaine before they discussed how they wanted ‘this, that and the other’.
“So.”
“So.”
An awkward silence filled the room and Logan knew that he had to make a move. After all, wasn’t the fate of world lying in his hands?
“Dude, you know, um,” Logan swallowed convulsively as he was nodding repeatedly, “that, I…um, that you, uh, I’m always grateful that you’re, uh, there for me.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Dick paused. “Uh, same here.”
The ‘gang’ next door must be laughing their asses off. Fuck them all. Jesus. I can’t breathe.
They kept looking forward until Logan realized that Dick raised his head to look-no, to fucking stare at him. Logan had nothing to do but to meet Dick’s eyes, which were darkened with intensity.
Oh, holy Jesus, Joseph and Mary.
Dick licked his lips.
Oh, God. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Dick leaned a little bit forward towards Logan and waited for a response. When he didn’t -I fucking can’t- move, that obviously encouraged Dick and his lips met Logan’s.
FUCK.
Logan noticed that he had never looked at Dick from this close. His eyes were closed as he pressed his lips-
OH JESUS CHRIST, IS THAT HIS TONGUE?!
The second Logan put his hands on Dick’s shoulder and pushed him, the door swung open as everybody raced in.
“Back off, Dick!” Veronica yelled out.
Within a few seconds, even before Dick fell to the floor on his ass, Logan was up and standing next to Veronica as if he needed her protection.
“What the hell?” Dick looked at the crowd in the room.
Buffy took a few steps forward. “Hello, Dick. I’m Buffy, and I’ll be your Slayer tonight if you don’t cooperate.”
“You…you’re the chick from the lobby. Oh, whatever. Logan?” Dick pleaded softly. “I…I can explain I was just…”
“Feeling a little demon-ish today?” Veronica smiled tightly.
“What? What the hell are you talking about you crazy bit-” Dick paused when he saw the anger in Logan’s eyes. “I thought you were into it and I, I just…for you, man. I gave it a try, uh,” his voiced trailed off, “for you.”
Veronica chuckled bitterly. “Aw, how ridiculously romantic. And the next thing we know Dick will rent a loft and ask Logan to move in with him.”
Xander smiled sheepishly at Veronica. “Ha! You mean like Brian and Justin from-” he stopped for a brief second when everybody looked at him, then continued murmuring, “um, not that I’d know. I don’t, like, watch Queer As Folk or something.”
“How are we going to know if he’s just infected or the mother demon?” Cordelia asked.
“A mother demon?” Dick’s mouth dropped open.
“I don’t exactly know, okay? Will is still looking for clues. But now we’ll look for marks, just to be sure.” Buffy took another step forward and pointed a finger at Dick. “Undress, now.”
“WHAT? Logan? What the hell is-” Dick tried to get up and leave, but Buffy’s little shove threw him back to the wall. “Oh, Jesus! That hurt, you bitch!”
Veronica walked to him, with taser in her hand. “Yeah, so tell me Dick, calling her bitch will help you, how?”
“What the hell do you want from me?”
Logan could swear he had never seen Dick crying before, and also he had never thought he would feel this bad for him.
“Okay, Veronica, that’s enough.” He knelt next to his only-best-friend-that-didn’t-flee-the-country. “Man, I’m sorry for everything, but you should seriously start undressing. These people-” he pointed at the angry faces behind them, “ain’t messing around. They’re just looking for something, okay? I undressed too, you know.”
“But why should I?”
“Dude,” Logan lowered his voice, “you kissed me!”
“Only because you totally wanted me to!”
“I…”
“Dude, look around! Candles, ‘no videogames, let’s talk’? ‘It means so much’? You were totally hitting on me!” Dick stated the obvious.
“Um, so?” Logan tried to smile, but his sense of humor had apparently left him.
“So is it fucking okay for you to come onto me but me kissing you is a big fat no-no?”
“Dude, I’m not gay.”
“Neither am I,” Dick said softly, “I just…I love you, man. I thought you wanted me to, you know?”
Logan slowly eyed the impatience crowd as he whispered to Dick. “Uh, I… I mean, sure, um, we’re, we’re the lone wolfs, the heartbreakers, man. You just have to get undressed, okay? I know it’s not your fault. You can’t help it. You’re infected.” He flashed a very faux smile.
“If you want me to undress, I’d fucking do this, man, but I’m not a fucking monster.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Logan lied.
Damn, Dick, who the hell infected you? I’m going to kick its ass back to hell.
Dick slowly got up and took off his tight red shirt, unbuckled his belt, slid it out and let it fall. He slowly dropped his jeans, raising one knee then the other. He reached for his socks and took them off, too. He stared at everyone in his boxers.
“That, too.” Buffy ordered.
The tears had vanished, and it was the same old Dick facing them, that Logan had known since they were twelve.
“Well, since we have such an awesome audience tonight…” He slid out of his boxers.
As the girls were checking his body for marks, except for Veronica who left the room saying that she was about to hurl, Dick gave the girls a smug smile and a nice view of his erection.
“Oh, ew!” Cordelia took a step back.
“Come on, sweetheart, there’s enough Dick for all of you.”
“Yeah, but I prefer guys that are turned on by girls, not by their best friends.”
“I’m just into new things, babe. And seeing the two of you here just gives me the ideas.”
“Hey, I’m here, too.” Willow got up, pouting.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“I sometimes miss my vampire version,” she muttered under her breath.
Buffy finally rose and turned to Logan. “No marks.”
“Oh, that’s good.” Logan looked relieved for a second, and when he saw Buffy dropping her eyes, it dawned on him. “Oh. So Dick kissed me…as himself. Oh, that’s…not so good.”
Dick smiled brightly. “I told you I’m not a monster, man! So, who wants to get his or her spine yanked out?”
Buffy patted Logan’s shoulder. “Hey, at least now you know for sure that you’re just plain irresistible.”
---