On the Edge (of something beautiful)
Title: On the Edge (of Something Beautiful)
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Timeline: gap-filler for 507
Warnings: spoilers, angst
this is how we break -series
This is how we break...
On the Edge (of something beautiful)
On the Edge (of Something Beautiful)
Gap-filler for 507
"I'm a stitch away from making it,
And a scar away from falling apart..."
He's really upset about that. That guy 'rejects' him and he flips. If I tell him that I'm not in the mood and don't want to fuck he'll go find a willing party at Babylon or Woody's after he tells me to fuck off.
But some random trick tells him no and suddenly it's the end of the world. Does it really matter all that much? More than I do? That's what it feels like. I thought we were finally getting someplace in this fucked up relationship of ours, but Brian apparently has other plans.
I knew that going to LA was a bad idea, but I went anyway, to make him happy. I knew that he'd just try to push me off another one of his fucking cliffs, because he'd have felt like I was sacrificing myself and my dreams for him.
Of course, it never occurred to him that maybe my not wanting to go had nothing to do with him. Well, that was part of it, but certainly not all. Rage was never my dream, it was just a way to make money for college and food. I really didn't care what happened to it. Sure, a movie would have been pretty cool. My name in lights and all. And the money...
But Michael should have been the one who went. He was the comic book fanatic, the one who made Rage his life, came up with the stories (with some guidance), and he was the one who freaked about the movie deal.
But no, it had to be me. So that I'd be out of the way, and Brian and Michael could 'bond' on the Liberty Ride.
God, I was so fucking mad when I had found out that Brian had gone anyway. It was supposed to be me and him. But just like Vermont, we didn't get to go together. And while I had gone by myself (and had a sucky time), Brian had Michael.
And after I got back, Brian decided that we should set for self-destruct. And in glorious Kinney fashion.
He just doesn't realize that I'm not him, and never will be. I will never will happy with the way he wants to live, with the constant clubbing and tricking. It's not me. I had tried to make it me before, and that didn't work, and it's obvious that my pretending it's okay isn't working either. I don't think I can do this anymore.
He doesn't want me to sacrifice myself for him. That's not love, he says. But being with him, like this, with him doing whatever the hell he wants and not thinking about me, this is sacrifice. A sacrifice that I'm not willing to make anymore, not while I'm doing all the work. I always told myself that in any relationship, I would stand up for myself and make sure that I come first in my partner's life. But with Brian, I don't...
I'm trying so hard to get him to realize that I love him, that I always will. I'm trying to pull him closer, but he keeps pulling away, and each time he's getting further away.
I love him. I really do. But his act is getting old. Everyone around him is growing up, moving on, even Michael, but he's bound and determined to grasp at the man he was until it kills him.
And if I don't do something, he'll take me with him.
It's not like I want him to stop tricking or stop going to Babylon, he owns the place for fuck's sake. But he's not in his twenties anymore, so every night is a little much.
What I do want from his is respect. Equality. We've never had that. Everything in this loft is his, and the things that I have are the things that he's bought for me. I have nothing that's mine and it seems like he doesn't care how that makes me feel. He doesn't even see it.
I feel like he doesn't see me.
I want more from life than he is willing to give me. That's one thing that is mine: my life. If I stay here with him being like this, caring more about his precious reputation than me, then I'm gonna lose me. And then I'll have nothing.
He doesn't want to change, and I have to.
Before I left, we were on the edge of something beautiful.
Now we're on the edge of falling apart, and I can't afford to.
I know what he'll say if I confront him...
I should go pack.
Song: The (After) Life of the Party- Fall Out Boy