An Exchange of Light for Shadows
"Willow Light" original poster by pickamix, September 2014. Modified by me December 2014 in the spirit of her Transformative Works Policy.
Months ago Megan approached me, tenatively; she admitted she could be abrasive but she asked if might try being friends again. She said she missed me, and how could I say no? Who doesn't like to hear they've been missed? Although I had no idea why she did, I was under the impression she quite disliked me, and the feeling was mutual.
Irony of ironies: I'm the one who misses her now.
And I doubt I'll ever stop missing her, even a little, never stop thinking to show her something I'm working on and what would she say of it? Or finding something that I know would make her laugh. I only know from experience that the sharp edge of grief softens in time.
But Megan as I knew her was rarely maudlin or sentimental, and never self-pitying. And she loved to talk about making art:
[She gave me light for shadows....]
Back in the summer Megan told me that she was having trouble seeing properly to make artwork because her only pair of glasses had broken and there wasn't money to replace them, deflecting any sympathy or outrage I expressed on her behalf. She only told me because we were conversing about digital art and had to be prompted to give up the information. The activist who campaigned tirelessly for a variety of social justice issues never wanted to bother her friends about her own burdens.
She had recently submitted some icons to otherworldlyric that were brighter and lighter in tone than I was used to seeing in her art, so I suggested she continue in that vein to accomodate her eyesight. Around her birthday she posted the original of this artwork, what she called "an experiment", very different to anything I'd seen from her before.
The first time I saw it I cried, and told her so. That pleased her of course; what artist doesn't want to strike an emotional chord in the viewer? She didn't make this specifically for me but I claimed Muse/Godmother rights anyway. In return, she inspired me to work with darker imagery, with wounds and blood spatters, to make something beautiful of the terrible things in my memory and my imagination, than I had ever dared do before. She loved the resulting images so much she converted them into an animated icon.
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Collaborative effort: 1) "Wlllow LIght" icon made by me from Megan's original artwork,
2) "Requiem for a Slayer (BoTN)" animated icon made by Megan from my artwork.
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I asked permission to try to make an icon of her artwork but neither one of us were entirely happy with the results. The text "She Soars on Butterfly WIngs" was inspired of course by the image itself; but in hindsight it's terribly ironic. I've been wanting ever since to return to this image but haven't found the right text, the right font or the right reason.
When I finished this I cried. I wish for all the world her death wasn't what finally motivated me to come back to this piece.
And I'm still not entirely happy with this but I hope she'd approve of the textures and the font. She had a preference for thin, elegant fonts and encouraged me to balance aesethetic with legibility. She was as generous with sharing her time and considerable knowledge and skill as she was with sharing the artworks themselves. Every day since she died I find myself wondering, what she'd say about something I'm making and oh why, WHY didn't I show her this new batch of posters, and if only I could ask her advice on textures.
And I find myself thinking, we'll never make each other laugh again. Hell, I'd give anything just to get one of her famous tongue-lashings; this time around, I might be able to handle it better. I might even laugh and let it slide off my back almost as quickly as she'd forgive me my stubbornness, irrationality and rage.