Legolas, before the Plastic Surgery and Hooker Shoes.
Okay, so the first part is not technically a review, but we do manage to make fun of several fandoms and fanfics! A piece of a conversation between several ficbitches tonight, wherein we come up with a new name for certian types of BNFs and try and foist off a gigantic review of 3 novel sized fics onto each other.
[Rebel Toy] I object to {Get Backers} fanficcers named "NekoSchuldig" or "Heero Maxwell" or similar names
[Rebel Toy] >__>
[Leather Daddy] well, really, what do you expect, this gives them canonical yaoi to work with.
[Rebel Toy] silence
[Leather Daddy] just wait until the GB savage garden songfic start.
[Rebel Toy] STFU! I still have fondness for this fandom!
[Leather Daddy] I'll pat you on the shoulder when the songfics roll in XD
[Velvet Venus] it's just like the proliferation of authors named _____ Malfoy in the HP fandom
[Velvet Venus] I can think of at least 15 off the top of my head that are "big" name fans
[Dr. Sex Love] bighead name fans?
[Rebel Toy] hahahaha
[Leather Daddy] and the proliferation of Mary Sues named Rhysenn Malfoy, of the Singaporean Malfoys....
[Rebel Toy] I like that term
[Velvet Venus] XD
[Leather Daddy] ...hahahahaha! XDD
[Rebel Toy] I'm gonna start using it
[Leather Daddy] bighead name fans XD
[Rebel Toy] BHFs = Big Head Fans
[Leather Daddy] ...the Singaporean Malfoys. I have never gotten over that XD
[Velvet Venus] because, you know, the Malfoys seem like just the type to have a dark skinned branch of the family
[Leather Daddy] Where are the Ukranian and Cuban and Guatemalan Malfoys?
[Leather Daddy] Yeah, no fucking kidding, Velvet Venus XD
[Leather Daddy] they're like, "Our ability to glow in the dark is superior than the ability to avoid sunburns! >E"
[Velvet Venus] if the Malfoys have any non-white people in their family, it's probably only because Lucius got a little too friendly with the house help =p
[Leather Daddy] yeah, christ.
* Leather Daddy plays "Brown Sugar"
[Velvet Venus] I know people who have similar social mentalities to the Malfoys (although not the ethics) and they'd sooner eat ground glass than let someone in the family marry some fob. I mean, it's not very nice, but that's the reality of it.
[Leather Daddy] ...but the house help are house elves XD
[Velvet Venus] XDDDDDDDD
[Leather Daddy] omg, my new OTP. lucius/winky.
[Leather Daddy] holy fuck, a house elf with long blonde hair.
[Gilded Fantasy] BUH?
[Velvet Venus] maybe THAT's the real reason Dobby got thrown out of the house
[Leather Daddy] it'd be legolas! before all his plastic surgery! XD
[Velvet Venus] LD, I imagine it would end up looking like one of those tribal shrunken heads that still has all its hair attached
[Leather Daddy] ....XD
[Leather Daddy] like I said, legolas before all the surgery!
[Velvet Venus] legolas before the growth spurt? XD
[Leather Daddy] it's all platform shoes.
[Leather Daddy] platform shoes and plastic surgery.
[Leather Daddy] he could have been brian slade.
[Velvet Venus] I wonder if the hobbits make fun of him for being short XD
[Velvet Venus] and wearing heels
[Leather Daddy] but he saw an SCA get-together on his way to the plastic surgeon, and, well...
[Velvet Venus] [Pippin] so...got any fishnet tights to go with those shoes? Eh, Greenleaf?
[Velvet Venus] we should ficbitch that damn trilogy just so we can include this conversation XD
[Leather Daddy] I'm not doing it!
[Velvet Venus] yes you are! You agreed!
[Leather Daddy] no, I said I'd skim it and give sections to you and Midnight Mutation.
[Leather Daddy] which I did, and none of y'all did it!
[Leather Daddy] we should just post the conversation.
[Leather Daddy] enough people have read those OMG SOOOOO GOOD fics to get what we're talking about.
[Leather Daddy] and hey, it's kind of funny.
---------------------------------------------
Neo Armageddon Evangelist
(Note: link leads to MSTed version. Original seems to be unlocatable.)
Guest Reviewed by: Otaku Keith
SCORE
PLOT: -10/5 (Total made-up bollocks, sex, death, repeat ad nauseam in a literal sense)
CHARACTERISATION: 0/5 (Hardly anyone stays alive long enough to *have* a character, and those who do are OOC. The original character is a Sue.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Not on the level of the great spelling/grammar-munchers, but she uses her powers only for evil...)
TOTAL AND COMPLETE CANON-RAPE (IN A LITERAL SENSE): 7/5
First off, let me say that I am no stranger to bad, stupid, weird and downright disturbing Evangelion fanfiction. I have the complete works of Issei Mataloun on file. I sat through all 13 (MSTed) chapters of Tom Dyron's horrifying Neon Genesis Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion with only a bit of teeth-clenching and snarling to show for it. I shook my head at the original and revised editions of Fate of the Children (or, An American Lesbian In Tokyo-3 as it should probably be called). I ploughed beyond the MSTings of the early chapters into the undiluted parts of Neon Exodus Evangelion (featuring DJ Croft, son of Lara Croft and Fox Mulder and smuggest Marty Stu this side of Star Trek: The Next Generation) and even enjoyed it in places. (Note: all the above can be found at Elmer Studios, a superb MSTing site.) I even braved the horror that is the Tank Cop Asuka/Rei spanking lemon and the accompanying ficlet where the Evas themselves have sex.
But this fic, gentle readers, this fic actually managed to shake me to the core. There are several early warning signs that something truly special is in store:
1) The author, Sara Anne Grantham, describes herself as an "evil bisexual redhead of black leather and kinky penmanship". This sort of "look at me and how naughty I am!" crap is never a good omen.
2) She tells us that the fic "was a product of watching Natural Born Killers, The Doom Generation, and The Matrix waaaaay too much."
3) Apparently it's also "possibly the most psychotic and evil things you'll ever read". She's actually *trying* to turn our minds into strawberry custard. Urk.
4) She complains about how many Eva fanfics are "TOO FUCKING LONG!!!" and you have to read "a lot of boring prose to get to the story". Oh goody, it's an advocate of the pull-stuff-out-of-thin-air-as-and-when-you-feel-like-it school of plot development.
Oh, and she also thanks her neurotic Jewish friend for giving her the idea. Woody Allen has new crimes to answer for.
The fic starts out inauspiciously, with Gendo musing about how he will use the power of Lilith to make himself a God ahead of SEELE. Welp, there goes Gendo's ACTUAL motivation of getting his wife back. He and Kaoru, who for some reason is happily helping Gendo with this instead of, say, jumping him and merging with the Adam embryo in his palm (which, as we know, is what the Angels desperately WANT to do), perform a ritual on Lilith which produces a girl named Sublime, who apparently is a "creature, not quite human, but not angel in the slightest sense". Ooh, how random SPESHUL!
We now cut to a hospital room where Asuka is lying comatose (oh well, the author got something right). A man in a bowler hat promptly waltzes in pretending to be her dad (no, really, it actually does say he "seemed to waltz"). He proceeds to molest her, then pull a gun - which is "embedded with a profiencent silencer", whatever that means - and blow off her head. Lucky her, she'll miss the rest of the fic. He then steals her eyeballs for no apparent reason and leaves. The author briefly informs us that it turns out Asuka was actually conscious just before he shot her (not sure how on earth the autopsy's supposed to reveal that), in an attempt to increase the brain-raping horror of the scene.
Next, up, Rei is "lying on her dead, naked, but not in a coma". Well, gee, thanks for that, your Kinkiness. The author makes reference to Rei's dreams telling her she's all but dead (even though Rei DOESN'T dream). Our friendly neighbourhood perverted assassin (now revealed to have the odd name of Washington Blasmov and work for SEELE) enters. After witnessing him wrap his body round his trenchcoat (?!?), Rei makes the following pronouncement:
"The dreams say you are the one to kill you." Rei said calmly.
She then agrees to have painful sex (which she enjoys, of course) with him in return for a quick death. Another canon character makes a grateful exit. I imagine a lot of readers would probably settle for a bullet through the head by this point as well.
After this senseless interlude, we return to Mary Sue Sublime:
The girl shrieked as her body convulsed spasmodically. She was strapped down to a bed by leather straps, her body draped in black robes which could have passed for a Reaper's, if not for the face that it was without a hood and fit more snugly on her rather volumptuous* body.
Her white hair, white face, red eyes... They were the features of an angel**. Also, she knew of the oncoming hellstorm. She knew of the THIRD IMPACT which threatened mankind. She knew of it, and had to stop it before it was too late.
*Interesting, most self-insertions are merely voluptuous.
**Even though she definitely isn't one. Eheh.
Nice and convenient that the Sue is all nicely clued-in on the plot, innit? Who needs pesky exposition and character development?! Sublime duly breaks free with ease using her INCREDIBUL POWERZ (which prove to include superhuman strength, the ability to release "energy bombs", and teleportation).
In the meantime, I'm sure you're all wondering what everyone's favourite depraved killer is up to, no? Don't worry! The action now shifts back to him kicking down the door of Misato's apartment, where she and Shinji are watching TV, with ease, even though it's a sliding metal one - apparently Washington has supernatural strength too.
"What do you want?!" cried Misato as he held them at gunpoint. She was currently wearing a really short tank-top and equally short shorts which exposed a small portion of her hidden passion*.
*If that's what I think it is, Her Kinky Redheadedness wins an award for Stupidest Body Part Euphemism.
What on EARTH could be going to happen next, I wonder? Well, you'll just have to wait, because now we jump to Sublime breaking into Chairman Keel's office (apparently her Author-Insertion Omniscience includes the location of said office) and defeating his guards with ease. Instead of killing him quickly, she launches into an exposition scene. I knew she was evil.
"Both you and Nerv are vieing for the evoltion of man. God does not approve of your actions, your INTERVENTIONS of society and divinity. So I was called upon to take your wormy asses out. You see, Nerv originally created me in hopes of using me as a secret weapon, one which could make Gendo Ikari a God by bringing about the death of the natural and true one. But, ahh.... things don't work out that way. A child of Lilith will always be a child of Lilith, no matter what others tell you. So... I refuse to use my powers for Gendo. A shame, too, since some of his ideals aren't too dodgey. I must also preserve the lives of the children, who shall merge with Lilith in a divine circle which will open heaven for all, allowing mankind to be judged as one."
Dayam. I think only Tom Dyron tops this for mangling of Eva's underlying themes. Keel, being a fellow Evil Overlord, responds with a speech of his own before pulling a weapon:
"Ha, ha! It's too late. I've already ordered the extermination of Nerv! Our best man...Washintgton... That sick motherfucker.... He's out killing all of the children now. Your plan has failed!"
Keel now tries to shoot Sublime (good man), who bounces the bullets back at him (?!?) using a VIOLET AT Field (she's SPESHUL, so she gets a violet one instead of an orange one like all the Angels and Evas) and leaves him dying.
Meanwhile, to no-one's great surprise, Washington is forcing Misato and Shinji to have sex for him while he masturbates. Guess what he does next. WRONG! He actually shoots Misato between her breasts, shattering her chest (?!), and Shinji in the throat! And here we were thinking this guy was a one-note character! However, in order not to appear inconsistent, he shoots Shinji in the head as well. This author's attention to detail truly knows no bounds.
Sublime now walks in (having waited for Washington to get rid of the pesky canon characters, of course) and a nicely incoherent FIGHT SCENE ensues. They both wing each other and Washington gets away, while, in a SHOCKING PLOT TWIST OMGLOLBBQ11!1!!1!!!, Kaoru appears behind Sublime.
Elsewhere, Gendo is sitting at his desk gloating about how everything is going according to his plan and talking to Washington on the phone. OMGWTF/?//?/! Sublime and Kaoru, meanwhile, are getting to know one another:
"Please, you must listen. You were wrought from my blood. You are my love..."
Her eyes widened. "Excuse me? So... I am a part of you?"
"Yes, my love."
"Then you ARE my destined one." She said this as she cupped Kaworu's cheeks in her hands and kissed him passionately on the lips, as she pressed her firm body on his, holding him tightly. He returned the kiss and held her just as urgently. They shared their passion for a brief moment before they returned to their former, serious selves and continued the discussion of the situation.
No-one here objects to a little borderline incest, right? No? Good. Apparently Kaoru actually wants to stop Gendo's EVIL PLAN, and Sublime is going to help him. While this nausea-inducing tender conversation is going on, Washington has reached NERV and is going after Fuyutsuuki, who (GASP!) is his LONG-LOST BROTHER! He forces lil' bro to put on a pretty pink dress and allow Washington to have anal sex with him (again; apparently this has happened before). URK.
Sublime and Kaoru walk in on this act of sibling bonding and Washington shows commendable multi-tasking ability, pulling a gun while still doing Fuyutsuuki up the back door. He proceeds to shoot the poor Sub-Commander while finishing his business, and for some reason Sublime just stands there and lets him. Then they have another stupid acrobatic fight and she finally finishes him off with a good old-fashioned bullet to the head while Kaoru apparently stands back eating popcorn, even though he is an Angel with the strongest ever AT field. Can't interrupt the author avatar's fun!
Sublime then breaks down from all the killing and death (aw, diddums) and Kaoru compassionately and manfully carries her to a bathroom and comforts her. The good ol' cliché asserts itself and this turns into foreplay. Yawn. At the same time, in Terminal Dogma (presumably), Gendo is taking the fic to new levels of insanity. This section needs to be seen in its full horror to be believed:
She took his hand into hers and manuervered it onto her body, letting the free palm caress her neck, face, and breast. Kaworu ignored the running water and came to her, grasping her with all of his strength, kissing her, running his hands over her body, allowing her to do likewise. It was a flicker of motion, each aiding the other to remove their clothes, each playing the master or servant.
"We must merge." Kaworu claimed.
"The time has come." Gendo said as he pawed at the form of Lilith. He had released the beast, letting her caress him as she pleased. She was fucking him without fucking him - her cumbersome body merging with his. He was becoming God now, and the fate of all the worlds in all the galaxies would soon be his. Destiny was his to control.
"To merge would bring the death of our mother. We must do it." Sublime said, smiling slightly. And they did. Kaworu was quick to thrust himself into Sublime's succulent virginity. They were giving themselves to each other for the first time, each acting as a guide for the other. When they came, it was fire, wind, and all of the elements rush toward them in a single tital wave.
Gendo had lost. The merging of Lilith and Gendo ceased, without warning. They were apart of the same creature, yes, but Lilith was not an empty husk of death. The smell of rot and decay corroded Gendo's senses, filling his nostrils with the brimming puke smell of death. He shuddered convulsively as he shouted to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was only a matter of moments, before he died along with his beloved Lilith. Both of them no longer the creatures they once were, now mere shells of their former selves.
The two lovers, enwrapped naked in each other's arms, lie on the floor of the desolate bathroom. Their breathe was solid relief, and all of their worries were now over. The Battle to regain evolution was over, and gendo Ikari had lost. Mankind would remain as the simians they were - for better or worse. All was won.
"It is time to go, my darling."
"Yes."
Before Sublime's earthbound self died along with Tabris to retreat to the holy divinity above, she recollected a quote from Roger Browning. It claimed "God's in his Heaven. All's right with the world." Truer words had never been spoken.
The End.
In between retching uncontrollably, I'd like to pose several "What the hell?" questions. First of all, what purpose did all that sex and violence serve, particularly the murder of Fuyutsuuki, who wasn't even a Child or bystander? Gendo having SEX with Lilith (who is the size of an Eva, you'll recall)?! Sublime and Kaoru getting it on just HAPPENS to kill Lilith? Why? And if the plan to use all the Children to have mankind judged equally failed, how come all's well? I guess Sublime and Kaoru's icky incestuous lust pure fated love conquers all.
Come back, Issei Mataloun. Come back, Tom Dyron, Lisa Foster, DJ Croft. All is forgiven. (Well, actually, it's not really, but you might believe me after reading this fic, and then you can all be killed when you come for forgiveness.)
[Rebel Toy] I object to {Get Backers} fanficcers named "NekoSchuldig" or "Heero Maxwell" or similar names
[Rebel Toy] >__>
[Leather Daddy] well, really, what do you expect, this gives them canonical yaoi to work with.
[Rebel Toy] silence
[Leather Daddy] just wait until the GB savage garden songfic start.
[Rebel Toy] STFU! I still have fondness for this fandom!
[Leather Daddy] I'll pat you on the shoulder when the songfics roll in XD
[Velvet Venus] it's just like the proliferation of authors named _____ Malfoy in the HP fandom
[Velvet Venus] I can think of at least 15 off the top of my head that are "big" name fans
[Dr. Sex Love] bighead name fans?
[Rebel Toy] hahahaha
[Leather Daddy] and the proliferation of Mary Sues named Rhysenn Malfoy, of the Singaporean Malfoys....
[Rebel Toy] I like that term
[Velvet Venus] XD
[Leather Daddy] ...hahahahaha! XDD
[Rebel Toy] I'm gonna start using it
[Leather Daddy] bighead name fans XD
[Rebel Toy] BHFs = Big Head Fans
[Leather Daddy] ...the Singaporean Malfoys. I have never gotten over that XD
[Velvet Venus] because, you know, the Malfoys seem like just the type to have a dark skinned branch of the family
[Leather Daddy] Where are the Ukranian and Cuban and Guatemalan Malfoys?
[Leather Daddy] Yeah, no fucking kidding, Velvet Venus XD
[Leather Daddy] they're like, "Our ability to glow in the dark is superior than the ability to avoid sunburns! >E"
[Velvet Venus] if the Malfoys have any non-white people in their family, it's probably only because Lucius got a little too friendly with the house help =p
[Leather Daddy] yeah, christ.
* Leather Daddy plays "Brown Sugar"
[Velvet Venus] I know people who have similar social mentalities to the Malfoys (although not the ethics) and they'd sooner eat ground glass than let someone in the family marry some fob. I mean, it's not very nice, but that's the reality of it.
[Leather Daddy] ...but the house help are house elves XD
[Velvet Venus] XDDDDDDDD
[Leather Daddy] omg, my new OTP. lucius/winky.
[Leather Daddy] holy fuck, a house elf with long blonde hair.
[Gilded Fantasy] BUH?
[Velvet Venus] maybe THAT's the real reason Dobby got thrown out of the house
[Leather Daddy] it'd be legolas! before all his plastic surgery! XD
[Velvet Venus] LD, I imagine it would end up looking like one of those tribal shrunken heads that still has all its hair attached
[Leather Daddy] ....XD
[Leather Daddy] like I said, legolas before all the surgery!
[Velvet Venus] legolas before the growth spurt? XD
[Leather Daddy] it's all platform shoes.
[Leather Daddy] platform shoes and plastic surgery.
[Leather Daddy] he could have been brian slade.
[Velvet Venus] I wonder if the hobbits make fun of him for being short XD
[Velvet Venus] and wearing heels
[Leather Daddy] but he saw an SCA get-together on his way to the plastic surgeon, and, well...
[Velvet Venus] [Pippin] so...got any fishnet tights to go with those shoes? Eh, Greenleaf?
[Velvet Venus] we should ficbitch that damn trilogy just so we can include this conversation XD
[Leather Daddy] I'm not doing it!
[Velvet Venus] yes you are! You agreed!
[Leather Daddy] no, I said I'd skim it and give sections to you and Midnight Mutation.
[Leather Daddy] which I did, and none of y'all did it!
[Leather Daddy] we should just post the conversation.
[Leather Daddy] enough people have read those OMG SOOOOO GOOD fics to get what we're talking about.
[Leather Daddy] and hey, it's kind of funny.
---------------------------------------------
Neo Armageddon Evangelist
(Note: link leads to MSTed version. Original seems to be unlocatable.)
Guest Reviewed by: Otaku Keith
SCORE
PLOT: -10/5 (Total made-up bollocks, sex, death, repeat ad nauseam in a literal sense)
CHARACTERISATION: 0/5 (Hardly anyone stays alive long enough to *have* a character, and those who do are OOC. The original character is a Sue.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Not on the level of the great spelling/grammar-munchers, but she uses her powers only for evil...)
TOTAL AND COMPLETE CANON-RAPE (IN A LITERAL SENSE): 7/5
First off, let me say that I am no stranger to bad, stupid, weird and downright disturbing Evangelion fanfiction. I have the complete works of Issei Mataloun on file. I sat through all 13 (MSTed) chapters of Tom Dyron's horrifying Neon Genesis Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion with only a bit of teeth-clenching and snarling to show for it. I shook my head at the original and revised editions of Fate of the Children (or, An American Lesbian In Tokyo-3 as it should probably be called). I ploughed beyond the MSTings of the early chapters into the undiluted parts of Neon Exodus Evangelion (featuring DJ Croft, son of Lara Croft and Fox Mulder and smuggest Marty Stu this side of Star Trek: The Next Generation) and even enjoyed it in places. (Note: all the above can be found at Elmer Studios, a superb MSTing site.) I even braved the horror that is the Tank Cop Asuka/Rei spanking lemon and the accompanying ficlet where the Evas themselves have sex.
But this fic, gentle readers, this fic actually managed to shake me to the core. There are several early warning signs that something truly special is in store:
1) The author, Sara Anne Grantham, describes herself as an "evil bisexual redhead of black leather and kinky penmanship". This sort of "look at me and how naughty I am!" crap is never a good omen.
2) She tells us that the fic "was a product of watching Natural Born Killers, The Doom Generation, and The Matrix waaaaay too much."
3) Apparently it's also "possibly the most psychotic and evil things you'll ever read". She's actually *trying* to turn our minds into strawberry custard. Urk.
4) She complains about how many Eva fanfics are "TOO FUCKING LONG!!!" and you have to read "a lot of boring prose to get to the story". Oh goody, it's an advocate of the pull-stuff-out-of-thin-air-as-and-when-you-feel-like-it school of plot development.
Oh, and she also thanks her neurotic Jewish friend for giving her the idea. Woody Allen has new crimes to answer for.
The fic starts out inauspiciously, with Gendo musing about how he will use the power of Lilith to make himself a God ahead of SEELE. Welp, there goes Gendo's ACTUAL motivation of getting his wife back. He and Kaoru, who for some reason is happily helping Gendo with this instead of, say, jumping him and merging with the Adam embryo in his palm (which, as we know, is what the Angels desperately WANT to do), perform a ritual on Lilith which produces a girl named Sublime, who apparently is a "creature, not quite human, but not angel in the slightest sense". Ooh, how random SPESHUL!
We now cut to a hospital room where Asuka is lying comatose (oh well, the author got something right). A man in a bowler hat promptly waltzes in pretending to be her dad (no, really, it actually does say he "seemed to waltz"). He proceeds to molest her, then pull a gun - which is "embedded with a profiencent silencer", whatever that means - and blow off her head. Lucky her, she'll miss the rest of the fic. He then steals her eyeballs for no apparent reason and leaves. The author briefly informs us that it turns out Asuka was actually conscious just before he shot her (not sure how on earth the autopsy's supposed to reveal that), in an attempt to increase the brain-raping horror of the scene.
Next, up, Rei is "lying on her dead, naked, but not in a coma". Well, gee, thanks for that, your Kinkiness. The author makes reference to Rei's dreams telling her she's all but dead (even though Rei DOESN'T dream). Our friendly neighbourhood perverted assassin (now revealed to have the odd name of Washington Blasmov and work for SEELE) enters. After witnessing him wrap his body round his trenchcoat (?!?), Rei makes the following pronouncement:
"The dreams say you are the one to kill you." Rei said calmly.
She then agrees to have painful sex (which she enjoys, of course) with him in return for a quick death. Another canon character makes a grateful exit. I imagine a lot of readers would probably settle for a bullet through the head by this point as well.
After this senseless interlude, we return to Mary Sue Sublime:
The girl shrieked as her body convulsed spasmodically. She was strapped down to a bed by leather straps, her body draped in black robes which could have passed for a Reaper's, if not for the face that it was without a hood and fit more snugly on her rather volumptuous* body.
Her white hair, white face, red eyes... They were the features of an angel**. Also, she knew of the oncoming hellstorm. She knew of the THIRD IMPACT which threatened mankind. She knew of it, and had to stop it before it was too late.
*Interesting, most self-insertions are merely voluptuous.
**Even though she definitely isn't one. Eheh.
Nice and convenient that the Sue is all nicely clued-in on the plot, innit? Who needs pesky exposition and character development?! Sublime duly breaks free with ease using her INCREDIBUL POWERZ (which prove to include superhuman strength, the ability to release "energy bombs", and teleportation).
In the meantime, I'm sure you're all wondering what everyone's favourite depraved killer is up to, no? Don't worry! The action now shifts back to him kicking down the door of Misato's apartment, where she and Shinji are watching TV, with ease, even though it's a sliding metal one - apparently Washington has supernatural strength too.
"What do you want?!" cried Misato as he held them at gunpoint. She was currently wearing a really short tank-top and equally short shorts which exposed a small portion of her hidden passion*.
*If that's what I think it is, Her Kinky Redheadedness wins an award for Stupidest Body Part Euphemism.
What on EARTH could be going to happen next, I wonder? Well, you'll just have to wait, because now we jump to Sublime breaking into Chairman Keel's office (apparently her Author-Insertion Omniscience includes the location of said office) and defeating his guards with ease. Instead of killing him quickly, she launches into an exposition scene. I knew she was evil.
"Both you and Nerv are vieing for the evoltion of man. God does not approve of your actions, your INTERVENTIONS of society and divinity. So I was called upon to take your wormy asses out. You see, Nerv originally created me in hopes of using me as a secret weapon, one which could make Gendo Ikari a God by bringing about the death of the natural and true one. But, ahh.... things don't work out that way. A child of Lilith will always be a child of Lilith, no matter what others tell you. So... I refuse to use my powers for Gendo. A shame, too, since some of his ideals aren't too dodgey. I must also preserve the lives of the children, who shall merge with Lilith in a divine circle which will open heaven for all, allowing mankind to be judged as one."
Dayam. I think only Tom Dyron tops this for mangling of Eva's underlying themes. Keel, being a fellow Evil Overlord, responds with a speech of his own before pulling a weapon:
"Ha, ha! It's too late. I've already ordered the extermination of Nerv! Our best man...Washintgton... That sick motherfucker.... He's out killing all of the children now. Your plan has failed!"
Keel now tries to shoot Sublime (good man), who bounces the bullets back at him (?!?) using a VIOLET AT Field (she's SPESHUL, so she gets a violet one instead of an orange one like all the Angels and Evas) and leaves him dying.
Meanwhile, to no-one's great surprise, Washington is forcing Misato and Shinji to have sex for him while he masturbates. Guess what he does next. WRONG! He actually shoots Misato between her breasts, shattering her chest (?!), and Shinji in the throat! And here we were thinking this guy was a one-note character! However, in order not to appear inconsistent, he shoots Shinji in the head as well. This author's attention to detail truly knows no bounds.
Sublime now walks in (having waited for Washington to get rid of the pesky canon characters, of course) and a nicely incoherent FIGHT SCENE ensues. They both wing each other and Washington gets away, while, in a SHOCKING PLOT TWIST OMGLOLBBQ11!1!!1!!!, Kaoru appears behind Sublime.
Elsewhere, Gendo is sitting at his desk gloating about how everything is going according to his plan and talking to Washington on the phone. OMGWTF/?//?/! Sublime and Kaoru, meanwhile, are getting to know one another:
"Please, you must listen. You were wrought from my blood. You are my love..."
Her eyes widened. "Excuse me? So... I am a part of you?"
"Yes, my love."
"Then you ARE my destined one." She said this as she cupped Kaworu's cheeks in her hands and kissed him passionately on the lips, as she pressed her firm body on his, holding him tightly. He returned the kiss and held her just as urgently. They shared their passion for a brief moment before they returned to their former, serious selves and continued the discussion of the situation.
No-one here objects to a little borderline incest, right? No? Good. Apparently Kaoru actually wants to stop Gendo's EVIL PLAN, and Sublime is going to help him. While this nausea-inducing tender conversation is going on, Washington has reached NERV and is going after Fuyutsuuki, who (GASP!) is his LONG-LOST BROTHER! He forces lil' bro to put on a pretty pink dress and allow Washington to have anal sex with him (again; apparently this has happened before). URK.
Sublime and Kaoru walk in on this act of sibling bonding and Washington shows commendable multi-tasking ability, pulling a gun while still doing Fuyutsuuki up the back door. He proceeds to shoot the poor Sub-Commander while finishing his business, and for some reason Sublime just stands there and lets him. Then they have another stupid acrobatic fight and she finally finishes him off with a good old-fashioned bullet to the head while Kaoru apparently stands back eating popcorn, even though he is an Angel with the strongest ever AT field. Can't interrupt the author avatar's fun!
Sublime then breaks down from all the killing and death (aw, diddums) and Kaoru compassionately and manfully carries her to a bathroom and comforts her. The good ol' cliché asserts itself and this turns into foreplay. Yawn. At the same time, in Terminal Dogma (presumably), Gendo is taking the fic to new levels of insanity. This section needs to be seen in its full horror to be believed:
She took his hand into hers and manuervered it onto her body, letting the free palm caress her neck, face, and breast. Kaworu ignored the running water and came to her, grasping her with all of his strength, kissing her, running his hands over her body, allowing her to do likewise. It was a flicker of motion, each aiding the other to remove their clothes, each playing the master or servant.
"We must merge." Kaworu claimed.
"The time has come." Gendo said as he pawed at the form of Lilith. He had released the beast, letting her caress him as she pleased. She was fucking him without fucking him - her cumbersome body merging with his. He was becoming God now, and the fate of all the worlds in all the galaxies would soon be his. Destiny was his to control.
"To merge would bring the death of our mother. We must do it." Sublime said, smiling slightly. And they did. Kaworu was quick to thrust himself into Sublime's succulent virginity. They were giving themselves to each other for the first time, each acting as a guide for the other. When they came, it was fire, wind, and all of the elements rush toward them in a single tital wave.
Gendo had lost. The merging of Lilith and Gendo ceased, without warning. They were apart of the same creature, yes, but Lilith was not an empty husk of death. The smell of rot and decay corroded Gendo's senses, filling his nostrils with the brimming puke smell of death. He shuddered convulsively as he shouted to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was only a matter of moments, before he died along with his beloved Lilith. Both of them no longer the creatures they once were, now mere shells of their former selves.
The two lovers, enwrapped naked in each other's arms, lie on the floor of the desolate bathroom. Their breathe was solid relief, and all of their worries were now over. The Battle to regain evolution was over, and gendo Ikari had lost. Mankind would remain as the simians they were - for better or worse. All was won.
"It is time to go, my darling."
"Yes."
Before Sublime's earthbound self died along with Tabris to retreat to the holy divinity above, she recollected a quote from Roger Browning. It claimed "God's in his Heaven. All's right with the world." Truer words had never been spoken.
The End.
In between retching uncontrollably, I'd like to pose several "What the hell?" questions. First of all, what purpose did all that sex and violence serve, particularly the murder of Fuyutsuuki, who wasn't even a Child or bystander? Gendo having SEX with Lilith (who is the size of an Eva, you'll recall)?! Sublime and Kaoru getting it on just HAPPENS to kill Lilith? Why? And if the plan to use all the Children to have mankind judged equally failed, how come all's well? I guess Sublime and Kaoru's icky incestuous lust pure fated love conquers all.
Come back, Issei Mataloun. Come back, Tom Dyron, Lisa Foster, DJ Croft. All is forgiven. (Well, actually, it's not really, but you might believe me after reading this fic, and then you can all be killed when you come for forgiveness.)