(no subject)
Title: After the War
Fandom: Power Rangers Mystic Force
Challenge: None (except in my own mind O.o)
Warnings:Post-MF, Post "Once a Ranger" teamup and thus spoilers, contains depictions of hetro and homosexual relationships and one OC child character (GASP. OH SHI--)Also my Aussie might sound more fake!British and I do apologize for that. ;_; PG
Dedications/Thanks to: Angel_Negra, Caladan , wild_force71
Summary: Five years after the war for two worlds, a 23 year old Xander struggles with love, identity and adulthood.
He tried to draw the line at baking Christmas cookies. Like many things in his short life, his plan backfired spectacularly.
"I promised you I'd be here for the long haul, luv, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to put on a apron for you and the ankle bitter."
"But I like this apron. Come on Xander, it won’t kill you to bond with your niece once and a while."
Xander Bly looked up from his comfortable spot in his favorite armchair and eyed said apron. Large green letters glowed back at him from his lover’s chest; ‘My Cooking is Made Out of People! It’s people!!’
“…Ya know you’re right luv, that’s just the type of thing to turn the gal off of cooking forever. And then where will she be? We’ll have ruined her.”
"….And what does that mean?”
Xander mentally winced as his lover’s voice took on that tone, that particular, ‘Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!’ way (And damn it all Chip Thorne for ever introducing me to that cheesy, old show).
“…Eh, what I mean is…Chip luv, you know cooking is completely wasted on me. My idea of a good meal is vegemite and toast."
Xander schooled his face into his 'I'm utterly hopeless but incredibly cute so you love me anyways' expression; a look that involved dimples, the fluttering of long eyelashes and a smooth grin.
The grin faltered at the dark look in Chip's eyes; his face as red as the color of his flyaway hair.
"It isn't that you can't cook, Xander, it’s just that you're too lazy to try."
Xander winced at the sharp tone of Chip's voice. "Ah...well..."
"First you skip out on me with the Christmas shopping--'oh you know me, love, I'm hopeless in a Macy's store'. Then you wouldn't go with Maddie and Vida to Rootcore to help Udonna with the Christmas Tree and I had to force you to help me decorate the apartment! You flat out refused to help me bake the casserole for Toby's party."
"Agh really. Come on that’s an exaggeration surely, and besides, men don't bake."
The words flew out of Xander's mouth before he even realized it, like leaves scattered by the wind. He watched, slightly horrified, as Chip's eyes sparked with anger and his lips pursed into a thin line.
"Forget it," Chip was uncharacteristically sharp as he abruptly turned away and turned his attention to the open grocery bag in front of him. "I'll bake cookies with Marissa and you can just sit in the living room and watch football like a real macho man."
'Damn,' Xander blinked as his mind tried to rapidly salvage the situation.
"Luv--"
"Quit it.”
There was a reason why his lover held the power of lighting. His anger was a quick burn that always made Xander shudder, striking the former Ranger in the core of his being, ripping up and down till he felt numb in his toes. Intellectually Xander knew that Chip's temper was slow to provoke and also thankfully very short lived. It was best to let the younger man cool down on his own and make it up to him later; dinner out perhaps, on Xander's credit card. Or maybe mint chocolate chip ice cream.
But knowing this did not remove the shame that buzzed around Xander's head like a storm cloud. He slunk back into his chair with his head bowed and his hands clenched into fists.
Xander had fought monsters as the Green Mystic Ranger and had proven his mettle years ago. He still had the power of Earth running through him, giving the young man a sense of awareness of darkness and light he'd never thought possible. But none of it--the green sparks that sometimes appeared in his fingers when he was angry, or the way in which trees seemed to sway towards him in greeting--none of it could elevate Xander's gut feeling that he was now, at 24 years old, a pathetic coward.
Years ago, the word "coward" would not have even existed in his vocabulary. As a Ranger he'd been frightened, yes. Scared, freaked out, disbelieving, god fearing and at times absolutely terrified...he was a big enough to admit it in hindsight and in the privacy of his own mind. There were times when he stood frozen, magi staff at hand, with the smallest voice in the back of his head explaining to the rest of him in rational terms how things like monsters, killer knights and prophecies did not happen in Adelaide, thank you very much and can he go home now, please?
He had tired to cover up his fear over the entire mystic ranger business with his trademark easy-going, blasé nature. He made jokes about how good he looked in leather. He tried to sweet talk several creatures of the underworld-mostly unsuccessfully but there were times when Plan Xander worked as it was meant to. He convinced a giant not to eat his friends and survived almost becoming a tree, not to mention saving two worlds multiple times over. Xander became a hero, a savior and a Briarwood legend.
But in the end, it was Xander's fear that had served as the catalyst for his relationship with Chip.
It was only after the war that Xander began to have nightmares, and rather than having dreams after the final battle like normal people, Xander’s mind began to torment him a year after they’d defeated the Master. It was strange timing really, since there was nothing that was actively trying to kill him anymore. His dreams were more like flashbacks, recollections of previous battles, near misses that continued to haunt him months after they occurred.
He dreamed a lot of the soul specter, of that innocuous bottle that had nearly killed Chip by consuming him from the inside. In his dreams, the pitch black hole in the center of Chip's chest was bigger, deadlier, threatening to suck Xander in, to swallow them both. Sometimes he was alone with him, cradling the younger boy in his arms with this black hole in between them. Chip would lay with his eyes open and unseeing, his face pale and expressionless.
Soulless.
The dream usually ended with the soul specter growing to encompass Xander's entire world in darkness.
At other times he dreamt that was a tree again; immobile and alone, in some clearing in the woods. Sometimes Clare showed up seconds too late with the counter spell and sometimes she never showed up at all. His dreams were always felt worse than the actual event had been. He'd feel his skin turning to unyielding wood, pressing his spine into strict alignment, sealing off his breath by crushing his windpipe and turning his nose into a strong branch. His feet and toes would form into roots, rough bark growing to cover his legs, his knees, torso then elbows and arms.... till there was nothing to distinguish him from any other tree in the woods. That was the worst part--that he'd just blend into the forest, one of many trees that stood silent in formation. Easily missed and forgotten.
His nightmares caused him to stumble in late to work, jeopardizing his position as shift manager at the Rock Porium. He saw the looks passed between his friends and Toby and he assumed that they thought he was being his lazy self as usual. He found out afterwards that they actually worried about him, talked about him even. A year after everything and he was still uncertain of how much his friends cared for him.
It was also a fact that none of the former Rangers had emerged untainted -- especially Nick. But whereas Vida and Madison had each other and Nick had two sets of parents and an adopted sister to fuss over him, Chip and Xander had no one but each other. That was probably part of what drew them to each other. No one else had experienced what they had together as comrades in arms.
For nearly a month, Xander existed in a world that was half memory, half nightmare. He didn’t tell anyone but instead kept it bottled inside of him, like his own perverted version of a soul specter, gnawing him when he was alone. He figured no one would understand why he was having problems so long after everything. It was just a weird Xander… thing. He wasn’t about to flaunt that where anyone could see.
Too many nightmares and too much stress eventually culminated in a spectacular rush at the Rock Porium. While working on restocking the shelves, Chip missed a rung on a step ladder he was working on. He went crashing hard onto the floor, flat on his back with one of his legs still tangled in the ladder. He was lucky not to have broken his neck.
But when Xander heard the crash and saw his friend lying completely still on the floor, his mind forgot everything. It was only his nightmares come to life.
He panicked.
Admittedly, he panicked like a little girl, yelling incoherent things.
When he came to his senses again he had Chip in his arms and Vida, Madison and Toby circled around them, at a loss to why their friend was flipping out, wide eyed and out of his head.
When he'd reassured himself that Chip was alive, and yes, not soulless but full of life (albeit still sore with a slight concussion) he'd done the next natural thing. He kissed Chip. A deep frantic, unrestrained kiss. Instinct made him break for air and when he opened his eyes, he saw Chip's glazed expression and pouty lips. He fully expected a wallop for his trouble, but instead the younger boy simply blinked and then recaptured his lips with a more gentle, confident kiss.
A kiss that was much more gallant, but then his Chip was a knight. He was just the conscripted solider.
Xander took Chip to the Emergency Room, watched doctors patch him up, then took him home and refused to leave him alone. He made such a nuisance of himself that by the time they were 20, they had moved in together. At 23 they owned their flat and their own strange type of domesticity that rather resembled a respectable couple instead of two bachelors shacked together. Xander surprised everyone (including himself) with the strength of his love for Chip and the simple life they had.
So Xander had been frightened, yes. But not a coward. Not then.
Madison brings Marissa down to the flat a quarter past 12 with a pink backpack full of books, coloring pads and Catastros the stuffed purple pony. Xander hears the excited squeals echo down the hallway and he mentally applauds himself when he manages to successfully extract himself from the football game playing in front of him. He waves a jaunty hello to Maddie and she gives him one of her shy half smiles before making an quick escape while Marissa prattles excitedly to Chip about everything and nothing.
Marissa has Nick's eyes, Maddie's smile and Vida's extroverted nature. She's got a rather large juice stain on the front of her blue jumper and the ratty pony she holds in one hand is missing an eye. She launches herself at Xander the minute she spies him, clutching his legs like a creeper vine against a countryside window.
"Well 'ello Ms. Russell," Xander drawls, knowing the child loves him for his accent.
"Hi Uncle Xander! Guess what? Uncle Chip and I are going to make cookies for mommy and daddy!"
"Are you?" He pretends to be shocked. "That sure sounds fun."
Marissa beams. "Ah huh and we're making enough for Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt V, Uncle Chip and you Uncle Xander!" The five year old punctuates this statement by freeing Xander's legs and twirling around in a pirouette that would make her Aunt V proud.
Xander finds himself smiling, genuinely amused. "I don't suppose you two master chiefs might allow a bloke like me to watch?" The question is directed at Marissa but it is also a request from his lover as well as an indirect apology.
Chip stares at his lover and the small child dancing in between them. A million thoughts seem to flash through Chip's eyes before his lips creep into a small grin and his head tilts into a nod.
"I dunno--what do you think Missy-bissy? Should we let Uncle Xander watch?"
Marissa giggles, a slippery light sound. "Of course! I want to make snowflake cookies, ok? And reindeer and trees!"
"We will do whatever is your heart desire, Ms. Russell," Xander makes a little half bow to go with the silly statement and sends her into another round of laughter.
Chip rolls his eyes at his lover's antics. "He doesn't get to lick the bowl," Chip tells her and he takes her by the hand to lead her into the kitchen. Xander trails behind the pair, watching the way Chip gently corrals the five year old child to the counter where he's arranged all the cookie ingredients with additional child sized spoons and colorful plastic measuring cups. He interacts with her like he was a born parent and the realization sobers Xander quickly like being doused with ice water.
Xander never pictured his early twenties ending up this way. He'd always seen himself as a bachelor, hanging out in pubs, living back in Australia perhaps, watching football with a couple of mates and a tallie in hand. He never thought he'd sacrifice a Saturday morning to baby-sit the child of his closest friends, let alone having to turn his kitchen into an arts and crafts arena for a precocious tot. Children, plastic measuring cups, anything vaguely domestic--these weren't the things he had pictured himself possessing, ever. Even when his imagination had strayed into picturing his future thirty or forty years forward it hadn't featured any sort of family.
But Maddie needed time to shop for all her relatives and Nick was in Rootcore, doing whatever it is 'The Light' did that did not involve turning evil or sacrificing himself like a tussled up lamb. Vida was single and thus very good at hiding from the duties of the committed, so that left them entertaining the child five short days before Christmas. It’s like minding a possessed candy cane of hyperactive goodness.
Even so. Xander watches Chip and Marissa laughing in the kitchen and bites back the thought that the two of them look good together. How Chip looks parental covered in flour, dressed in an apron. Its an image that shouldn't work but somehow does and it messes with his brain till he can't help but look away.
He feels the full attention of blue eyes on him but Xander can't make himself raise his head to return the gaze.
Like any young person, there were some days where Xander wanted to blame a majority of his personality flaws on his parents.
Xander's father is a tall, broad shouldered handsome man. He likes surfing but he never wore a boonie, nor did he work in bush or any other sort of stereotypes the world seem to have with Australians. In fact Xander's father had worked in an office in Adelaide. Sometimes he would take afternoon off to take his young son to the beach or to the zoo after school. Xander's father helped his son with his math homework and taught Xander how to surf and how to ride a bike. His father didn't read bedtime stories to his son and always deferred English homework to Xander's mother, sheepishly explaining that his mother was better 'at the reading stuff'.
Xander's mother is a very patient woman. She was the one to explain to her son that violence is never the right answer. She is a natural diplomat, keeping a calm tone even when Xander broke the living room window with a ball or flunked a test because he was too lazy to study for it. His mother was the one to tend to Xander's scrapes and bruises, the one who taught Xander to read and to stand up straight. To smile and to be charming.
Growing up, Xander never saw his father in the kitchen and his mother never showed much interest in rugby or football. His father grilled, sure, but nothing beyond that. His parents didn't ask that Xander learn domestic things yet it was also a given that he would learn to play football and rugby. It felt...normal. At the end of the day, the men of the Bly household ended up by mutual agreement lounging on the couch while the women-folk did housework. That was how it was.
When Xander saw Chip cook for the first time, it had thrown him. It was a side of his lover he hadn't known existed. They were the proverbial odd couple; the nerd and the cool foreign kid, brains meets looks and other such romantic novel clichés. Chip was spastic, hyper and earnest. Smart and very geeky. But when he cooked, a lot of that hyperactivity faded. The first time Chip invited Xander over for dinner, the older boy had been impressed by the intensity of the other boy’s concentration and the way his hands moved over his ingredients. There was a peacefulness that Xander never really seen before, as Chip always exuded enthusiasm like waves. They had been halfway through preparing the meal before Xander remembered that it was Chip who assisted Udonna in making the dawn crystal when Necrolei turned Vida into a vampire.
That had made him startle, remembering that his friend was both a wizard and a mystic warrior--a knight and also a cook. The bravest man Xander knew and also the boy who preferred to rewatch Superman Returns over watching the Rose Bowl or the rugby match. Someone who played Dungeons and Dragons and then raised Dragons in his spare time.
In short, he is nothing like the people Xander grew up with.
Chip is multi-layered. His personality continues to unfold and roll out, like the way storm clouds spread and grow across a barren winter sky. There are times when Xander is both humbled and frightened by his lover's complexity. He doesn't feel like he is as layered or as unique as his Chip. He feels simple; plain even, a pretty face but lacking actual substance. Good looking but ultimately boring, filled with baggage even though he came from what feels like a perfect home.
When he feels like this, he can't help but wonder why Chip loves him at all.
Xander offers to clean up the kitchen after Chip and Marissa finish creating two dozen slightly mangled pine tree shaped sugar cookies. Chip shoots his lover a grateful look before allowing Marissa to drag him away to the living room. Xander busies himself by dumping empty batter bowls and measuring cups into the sink and allows the repetitive motions calm his mind. He refuses to so much as look at the Solvant Green apron, even though he ends up soaking the front of his rugby shirt. He does, however, use it to mop up the mess of red and green sprinkles that covers the countertop. After the kitchen is made more presentable, Xander wanders back into the bedroom and tosses his wet shirt and Chip's dirty apron into the laundry basket. He changes into a green tee-shirt he's had for years and wanders out again, not entirely sure what to do with himself now.
Chip and Marissa are sitting in Xander's favorite recliner, surrounded by library books. Chip is reading some sort of picture book to Marissa and the younger girl is absolutely captivated by Chip's storytelling and the voices the former ranger uses for each character in the book. Xander watches his lover and is briefly reminded of his childhood but he shoves the memories down with an effort. He doesn't want to think about his mother while looking at the former Yellow Ranger, for no other reason than Chip is Chip and no one else.
The tale finishes with a flourish and Marissa applaud him loudly while Xander whistles like he was at a concert instead of an interloper on the fringes of story time.
"What story was that," Xander asks after a moment.
Chip grins mischievously to Xander. "The Boy Who Cried Fabulous," he says as he turns to show the rather flashy cover to Xander. "Its one of Marissa's favorite books. Right missy?"
"Yup!" Marissa nods. "Everything is fabulous!" The child dissolves into a fit of giggles.
"Ahh...well, that sounds rather..."
"Campy?"
"....Rather..."
"Queer?"
"Enthusiastic," Xander responds sharply. "And ah quite lovely I suppose."
"No Xander," Chip says with a serious look on his face, "Its fabulous."
"Fabulous!" Marissa crows.
"For for the love of--" Xander waves his hands in the air. "Whatever happened to Dr. Seuss? Cat in the Hat? Hop on Pop?!"
Xander knows his face is broadcasting his flustered, uncomfortable feelings for his lover to see but Chip seems to be in a better mood than before and he gives Xander a look that is both filled with amusement and understanding.
"I'm sorry Xander. Would you prefer 'The Sissy Duckling'?"
Xander's eyes widen comically and his forehead creases into a frown. "The Sissy what? Are you serious? What else do you have in there?”
There is a rustle of books before Marissa pops up with another book. "'Heather Has Two Mommies', Uncle Xander!" She chirps helpfully.
"Along with 'Daddy's Roommate'," Chip says with a wicked grin.
Xander groans. "I'm going to kill Maddie for this. Possibly take scissors to her library card."
"Can we read another book, Uncle Chip?" Marissa interrupts as she looks up to Chip. "Please?"
"Well Marissa, I actually have to check up on the cookies. They should be finished by now. Perhaps Uncle Xander will read you a story next?"
There’s a not-quite-innocent look here and Xander mentally curses his lover for lulling him into a sense of false security.
"Aw luvs, I'm a horrible storyteller."
"It’s that or you deal with the cookies," Chip replied.
"Please? I want to hear you read!"
The Aussie mentally groans when Marissa turns her big brown eyes at him, accompanied by a lower lip pout.
"Alright! I'll read! You must have inherited that look from your father. That is absolutely Nick's pouty face."
Marissa laughs. "Yes!"
"Play nice now," Chip scolds they switch places on the recliner. Xander gives his lover a glare till the redhead disappears into the kitchen.
"So Miss. Russell, what shall we read?"
"King and King!"
Marissa shoves a picture book into Xander's arms and the young man eyes the cover with confusion.
"'King and King'?"
"Yup! It a story about a Prince, who has a kitty and a mommy the Queen and the Queen says the Prince has to get married but he likes no one until he meets Prince Lee and after a while, they get married and its just like normal fairy tales only its two princes instead of a princess that live happily ever after!"
"Two Princes--," Xander flips through book's rather ...unique illustrations with a frown. "What the? That picture looks like Queen Victoria! Of all the--"
"Please Uncle Xander?"
"I...of course Missy, luv," Xander assents with a sigh. "You sure you want this book? Sounds like you've read it before."
"I've read them all, Uncle Xander."
"...'Right, then."
Xander picks up the book and Marissa immediately snuggles her way under Xander's arm, burrowing her head onto his chest. Xander looks down at his 'niece' with small smile before contemplating the book in front of him. A story about a prince falling in love with another prince. Of course. Maddie wouldn't be able to resist the irony.
Except Chip is a knight, not a prince and if any of them truly was royalty, it was Nick/Bowen/ "The Light" himself. If anything Xander is…is the Prince's second hand man. His prime minister perhaps. Yes, prime minister most definitely works. The gallant knight and the prime minister of Briarwood.
God, could his life be any more sickeningly sweet?
"Uncle Xander?"
"Hm? Oh sorry luv."
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Xander opens the picture book to the first page.
"On the tallest mountain above the town lived a queen, the young crown prince and the crown kitty.
The queen had ruled for many long years and she was tired of it. She made up her mind that the prince would marry and become king before the end of the summer."
If he wanted to, he could blame Madison and Nick for everything; his recent cowardliness, his smarmy behavior and the distance between himself and Chip.
It started with a conversation between Maddie, Vida, Chip and Xander.
"Marissa's been asking questions."
"Questions?"
"Questions about...about you two."
Typical hard-hitting kindergarten questions, the type of questions adults excelled at fumbling miserably. Innocent, ugly, honest, brutally tough questions. Because really, Marissa Russell has more Vida Rocca in her than anyone would like to admit, to the point where some days Xander expects to see the child bouncing into their apartment with a stripe of pink hair and wearing baby sized doc martins.
"'Right. What's this got to do with me then? Ow! Hey!"
"Xander, Maddie's got a point here."
"I don't see any point--kids ask questions all the time. I'm sure she'll forget about this one."
"Actually, I've already told Missy about you two. I just wanted to let you two know that she might ask you things. Personal things. Five year olds are curious."
"I still don't see--"
“Oh for--” Vida sighed. "She's pretty perceptive for a little kid. She's already picked up that being gay is strange and somewhat negative--"
"Yes but what does that have to do with us?"
"...You mean besides the fact that you two live together?"
"But we're not like that, are we? We've nothing to do with any of it. Not like that at all."
The words had flown out of his mouth before he'd thought them through, but even if he had paused for a moment and just...thought, he never would have expected Chip to get up and leave the kitchen table without saying a word.
Because he was being honest. It hadn't occurred to him to him that sleeping with a guy necessarily meant...he was 24 years old but he'd never questioned....he'd didn't....
Fuck.
He was the biggest wacker ever.
"You are the biggest idiot ever!"
"Ow! Vida! Will everyone quit hitting me 'ver the head?!"
"No because you are a idiot. Are you really that dense?”
"…Will the answer result in more beatings? OW!”
"--Five years Xander?!"
"....I honestly hadn't thought about it."
"You are such a--"
"--Idiot. Yes, thanks mate, we don't need an encore."
"Fix this. Fix your head and then fix Chip. Now!"
He did try. Try to fix things. But in all honesty he hadn't ever looked at himself and Chip in that way. As...alternative. So perhaps the shared flat and the fact that he now preferred a home cooked meal over a pint and the fact that he willingly watched Battlestar Galetica instead of footy (although never during a championship, mind) should have been clues. Yet he'd never cared for politics, American or otherwise, and he never went to college. He never lied to his parents about living with Chip. He just never spelled it out and surely they must have drawn their own conclusions now.
But yes, Xander didn't really know, because his parents had moved back to Australia and he wasn't much for visiting on holiday. Chip's family knew, Vida, Maddie and Nick knew, hell almost everyone in the two realms knew. What was there to think about?
Apparently a lot.
"Why won't you go with the girls to decorate for Christmas?"
"Because I don't want to, Chip! The girls have it covered and 'sides what do I know about decorating? Nothing!"
"You don't need to know anything about decorating, its just about having fun with your friends!"
"And we can have fun doing something else! Like watching a movie or going for a hike-"
"We want you to decorate with us--"
"Decorating is a girl's job!"
"...What the hell? Xander--"
"I'm not like that and neither are you so just stop talking! Stop talking!"
That's what it came down to. His inability to escape his father's shadow. His cowardliness. He'd always been ...reluctant to join in artistic things. He thought it was because he was a much better skater than a painter, more interested in music than cooking. There was the part of Xander felt more comfortable separating himself from everyone else and hiding behind what he called 'managerial duties'. He'd never wanted to be a DJ like Vida, or film maker like Maddie. He wanted to be the director because the director called all the shots.
The director was always in control.
But after the discussion with Madison about Marissa, he found himself recoiling from things he wasn't used to doing, second guessing his decisions and behavior. Wondering if his love of music wasn't a sign of something else. If he spent too much time on his hair. If baking was really a feminine job. What if he wasn’t in control of himself as much as he thought and what if he wasn’t as much of man as he always assumed he was.
Xander had always thought of himself as a ladies man. It didn't occur to him until now that loving Chip pretty much eliminated that title for him.
He loved Chip. Loved him with an intensity that frightened him sometimes. Loved him in a way he didn't think his parents ever felt. Loved him with all his geekish trappings, his eight sided dice and vampire chalk, his tendency to find trouble and his active imagination. He watched Star Wars and Stargate, listened silently to theories on horror films and re watched Firefly for the thousandth time (they had memorized all of the dialogue to Serenity). He was there when Chip was knighted by Daggeron and held his hand the first time he'd gotten a rejection letter for his manuscript. Chip had watched Xander wipe out horribly in a skateboard local championship and been standing next to him the first time he and Toby had opened up a second Rock Porium in neighboring Newtech City. And even before they started really dating, Chip had been there at the airport when he’d returned home from a ‘mysterious mission’ to San Angeles, slightly beaten up but wearing the biggest smile since…well ever.
He'd created a life with Chip and it seemed that to him that it shouldn't matter what type of life that was. It was no one's business but their own.
And if Xander had never thought about how their relationship impacted his personal identity before...well he was making up for it now. Screwing it up, yes, but also appreciating the little things he'd taken for granted all these years. The little things like the way in which they were able to sit in silence, side by side, working on different little projects but still able to enjoy each other's company. They'd sit together in a Starbucks, Xander with black coffee and Chip with a mocha, at a tiny table in a corner of the store. One would work on his novel and the other would go over the Rock Porium inventory. Looking back at the memory, Xander saw how easy it was for anyone passing by to think that the two of them were mates, buddies even. They could be just two blokes meeting up do work together. Two Bachelors.
Yet Xander cant help but feel happy that they're not buddies. That when they leave they go in one car to one home and sleep in one bed. They have their own separate lives but come home to each other, and each other alone. He can accept this and that’s the most essential thing.
After Chip proclaims the cookies absolutely perfect, Marissa runs off for a taste test and leaves Xander staring at the final page of King and King with the two happily married Princes smiling back at him from their storybook setting.
He decides to take a walk to clear his head.
When the cold drives him back inside the flat thirty minutes later, he finds Marissa sitting alone in the living room playing with some Barbie dolls. Chip is nowhere to be seen. Marissa smiles and immediately demands his attention.
"Uncle Xander, will you play house with me?"
Xander feels proud of himself that he only freaks out for three seconds before responding positively.
"Of course Missy."
He kneels on the soft carpet of their living room and accepts a smaller child sized Barbie doll from Marissa.
"I'm the mommy and you’re the baby and this is our castle, and this is our moat, and this is where our dragon sleeps, and this is where the trooblins live."
Clearly Nick's been taking his daughter to see his parents recently.
"'Right Missy luv. Where's the daddy?"
Xander looks about for another doll and blinks when Marissa pulls another brunette Barbie from out of nowhere.
"This is the other mommy and she's a Princess."
"So what is the first mommy then?"
"She's a brave knight. She saved mommy and the trooblins and now they have a baby and the entire kingdom is coming to see them. They're having a huge party for the baby."
Marissa has an angelic smile as she explains her imaginary world to Xander. She resembles her mother the most when she's content and calm.
"Ok, so the Princess has to pick out what the baby's going to wear for the party. Not pink because the baby hates pink even though the knight likes pink and yellow and green and blue and red..."
Watching Missy play reminds Xander just how innocent children are. How simple things are for them. It seems so easy, fantastical and whimsical that it makes Xander's chest tighten and his hands shake. Love seems so simple.
Then Xander looks into his niece's eyes and realizes that sometimes, it is.
Maddie picks up her exhausted offspring at 5 o'clock, leaving Chip and Xander alone for the first time in hours. Xander watches from the window until the van turns the corner and is gone from view. Then he looks and finds Chip rearranging furniture in the small room.
"I'll start dinner at 6," Chip mummers as she straightens up. "I'm thinking spaghetti sounds nice."
"Hmm..." Xander says softly as he moves to encircle his arms around Chip's hips from behind. "Sounds good to me, luv."
Chip leans back into Xander and kisses the side of the other man's neck. "You did good with Missy. I'm proud of you."
Chip says the last by whispering it into Xander's skin. He shudders and tightens his grip.
"She's a bright kid."
"She totally gets it from her mom."
Xander chuckles in agreement. They fall into a lull where it’s just the two of them pressed up against each other. Xander can't see Chip's face so he has no way to gauging how his lover will react to his next statement. He gathers up his courage and asks anyways.
"Luv?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you…ah…that is…can I help cook dinner?"
He feels Chip's body tense slightly, the most quicksilver reaction like a pulse of electricity that races between their bodies. Then just as suddenly Chip relaxes.
"You want to help me cook?" He asks without turning around. "What happened to not knowing how."
Xander shrugs knowing that the other man can feel the movement. "I have you here," Xander says quietly. He means it as a statement that goes beyond cooking.
Chip knows it too. The former Yellow Ranger turns slowly, with a gracefulness he mastered only after years of training with Daggeron.
"I'm not allowing vegemite anywhere near my kitchen," he says finally.
"'Course not. I know your yank tastebuds can't handle the rich flavour.”
"They way you say flavour makes me positive that your saying it with the 'u' in there."
"You mean the proper spelling of the word? And the 'u' is silent so no."
"Its the snobby spelling of flavor."
"Illiterate yank."
"Prissy Aussie."
"Aussie's are not prissy!"
"No just you."
Xander chuckles and silences Chip with a kiss. Chip moans appreciatively into the kiss before quickly breaking it off.
"What?"
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
Xander looks down at his feet. "Why not?"
"I'm just curious."
"I'm..." Xander pauses. "I'm trying Chip. Really, I am.”
There is a moment's pause where Xander is absolutely positive that the world has completely stopped. Nothing moves save his heart and Chip's.
"I know you are," Chip says finally, his voice strong and clear. "I don't expect you to change everything. Just…"
“Stop being a complete arse?”
“…Think before you react.”
“That’s a load coming from you, mate.”
“Two words: Plan Xander.”
“Hey! Who's the one talked the giant out of eating the lot of you again?"
"After spending most of the trip sulking because you thought Daggeron was picking on you."
"He was. Jealous of my skills with the leaves and such."
"Really?"
"One with the trees--"
"Says the man who loves to sit in his armchair and watch soccer all day," Chip cuts off Xander's reply with another long kiss. Eventually the two come up for air and they rest their foreheads on each other, gazing into each other's eyes like lovesick teenagers.
'I am turning into such a pansy,' Xander thinks to himself. For the first time though, the thought brings only a smile to his lips.
"I think we can continue this elsewhere," Xander smirks.
"And miss dinner?" Chip breathes.
"Dinner can wait."
"Possibly."
"It'll go faster if I help."
"You don't have to--"
"I want to."
"Really?"
"Really, really.”
Chip stares into Xander's eyes and there is a moment where he wonders again, what Chip sees in them. What keeps him here year after year, after the war, accepting him with all his quirks and false charm.
He knows what he sees in him. Something gallant, unconditional, something magnificent and royal.
"That's all I ask Xander."
He tries and everyday he succeeds a little and fails a lot. But everyday he still has Chip and that is enough.
Additional Author Notes
Picture Books mentioned in this story:
The Boy Who Cried Fabulous. Newman, Leslie. Tricycle Press, 2004.
The Sissy Duckling. Fierstein, Harvey. Simon & Schuster, 2002.
Heather Has Two Mommies. Newman, Leslie. Alyson Publications, 1989.
Daddy's Roommate. Willhoite, Michael. Alyson Publications, 1990.
King and King. De Haan, Linda, Tricycle Press, 2002.
Librarian. Hur Hur Hur.
Fandom: Power Rangers Mystic Force
Challenge: None (except in my own mind O.o)
Warnings:Post-MF, Post "Once a Ranger" teamup and thus spoilers, contains depictions of hetro and homosexual relationships and one OC child character (GASP. OH SHI--)Also my Aussie might sound more fake!British and I do apologize for that. ;_; PG
Dedications/Thanks to: Angel_Negra, Caladan , wild_force71
Summary: Five years after the war for two worlds, a 23 year old Xander struggles with love, identity and adulthood.
He tried to draw the line at baking Christmas cookies. Like many things in his short life, his plan backfired spectacularly.
"I promised you I'd be here for the long haul, luv, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to put on a apron for you and the ankle bitter."
"But I like this apron. Come on Xander, it won’t kill you to bond with your niece once and a while."
Xander Bly looked up from his comfortable spot in his favorite armchair and eyed said apron. Large green letters glowed back at him from his lover’s chest; ‘My Cooking is Made Out of People! It’s people!!’
“…Ya know you’re right luv, that’s just the type of thing to turn the gal off of cooking forever. And then where will she be? We’ll have ruined her.”
"….And what does that mean?”
Xander mentally winced as his lover’s voice took on that tone, that particular, ‘Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!’ way (And damn it all Chip Thorne for ever introducing me to that cheesy, old show).
“…Eh, what I mean is…Chip luv, you know cooking is completely wasted on me. My idea of a good meal is vegemite and toast."
Xander schooled his face into his 'I'm utterly hopeless but incredibly cute so you love me anyways' expression; a look that involved dimples, the fluttering of long eyelashes and a smooth grin.
The grin faltered at the dark look in Chip's eyes; his face as red as the color of his flyaway hair.
"It isn't that you can't cook, Xander, it’s just that you're too lazy to try."
Xander winced at the sharp tone of Chip's voice. "Ah...well..."
"First you skip out on me with the Christmas shopping--'oh you know me, love, I'm hopeless in a Macy's store'. Then you wouldn't go with Maddie and Vida to Rootcore to help Udonna with the Christmas Tree and I had to force you to help me decorate the apartment! You flat out refused to help me bake the casserole for Toby's party."
"Agh really. Come on that’s an exaggeration surely, and besides, men don't bake."
The words flew out of Xander's mouth before he even realized it, like leaves scattered by the wind. He watched, slightly horrified, as Chip's eyes sparked with anger and his lips pursed into a thin line.
"Forget it," Chip was uncharacteristically sharp as he abruptly turned away and turned his attention to the open grocery bag in front of him. "I'll bake cookies with Marissa and you can just sit in the living room and watch football like a real macho man."
'Damn,' Xander blinked as his mind tried to rapidly salvage the situation.
"Luv--"
"Quit it.”
There was a reason why his lover held the power of lighting. His anger was a quick burn that always made Xander shudder, striking the former Ranger in the core of his being, ripping up and down till he felt numb in his toes. Intellectually Xander knew that Chip's temper was slow to provoke and also thankfully very short lived. It was best to let the younger man cool down on his own and make it up to him later; dinner out perhaps, on Xander's credit card. Or maybe mint chocolate chip ice cream.
But knowing this did not remove the shame that buzzed around Xander's head like a storm cloud. He slunk back into his chair with his head bowed and his hands clenched into fists.
Xander had fought monsters as the Green Mystic Ranger and had proven his mettle years ago. He still had the power of Earth running through him, giving the young man a sense of awareness of darkness and light he'd never thought possible. But none of it--the green sparks that sometimes appeared in his fingers when he was angry, or the way in which trees seemed to sway towards him in greeting--none of it could elevate Xander's gut feeling that he was now, at 24 years old, a pathetic coward.
Years ago, the word "coward" would not have even existed in his vocabulary. As a Ranger he'd been frightened, yes. Scared, freaked out, disbelieving, god fearing and at times absolutely terrified...he was a big enough to admit it in hindsight and in the privacy of his own mind. There were times when he stood frozen, magi staff at hand, with the smallest voice in the back of his head explaining to the rest of him in rational terms how things like monsters, killer knights and prophecies did not happen in Adelaide, thank you very much and can he go home now, please?
He had tired to cover up his fear over the entire mystic ranger business with his trademark easy-going, blasé nature. He made jokes about how good he looked in leather. He tried to sweet talk several creatures of the underworld-mostly unsuccessfully but there were times when Plan Xander worked as it was meant to. He convinced a giant not to eat his friends and survived almost becoming a tree, not to mention saving two worlds multiple times over. Xander became a hero, a savior and a Briarwood legend.
But in the end, it was Xander's fear that had served as the catalyst for his relationship with Chip.
It was only after the war that Xander began to have nightmares, and rather than having dreams after the final battle like normal people, Xander’s mind began to torment him a year after they’d defeated the Master. It was strange timing really, since there was nothing that was actively trying to kill him anymore. His dreams were more like flashbacks, recollections of previous battles, near misses that continued to haunt him months after they occurred.
He dreamed a lot of the soul specter, of that innocuous bottle that had nearly killed Chip by consuming him from the inside. In his dreams, the pitch black hole in the center of Chip's chest was bigger, deadlier, threatening to suck Xander in, to swallow them both. Sometimes he was alone with him, cradling the younger boy in his arms with this black hole in between them. Chip would lay with his eyes open and unseeing, his face pale and expressionless.
Soulless.
The dream usually ended with the soul specter growing to encompass Xander's entire world in darkness.
At other times he dreamt that was a tree again; immobile and alone, in some clearing in the woods. Sometimes Clare showed up seconds too late with the counter spell and sometimes she never showed up at all. His dreams were always felt worse than the actual event had been. He'd feel his skin turning to unyielding wood, pressing his spine into strict alignment, sealing off his breath by crushing his windpipe and turning his nose into a strong branch. His feet and toes would form into roots, rough bark growing to cover his legs, his knees, torso then elbows and arms.... till there was nothing to distinguish him from any other tree in the woods. That was the worst part--that he'd just blend into the forest, one of many trees that stood silent in formation. Easily missed and forgotten.
His nightmares caused him to stumble in late to work, jeopardizing his position as shift manager at the Rock Porium. He saw the looks passed between his friends and Toby and he assumed that they thought he was being his lazy self as usual. He found out afterwards that they actually worried about him, talked about him even. A year after everything and he was still uncertain of how much his friends cared for him.
It was also a fact that none of the former Rangers had emerged untainted -- especially Nick. But whereas Vida and Madison had each other and Nick had two sets of parents and an adopted sister to fuss over him, Chip and Xander had no one but each other. That was probably part of what drew them to each other. No one else had experienced what they had together as comrades in arms.
For nearly a month, Xander existed in a world that was half memory, half nightmare. He didn’t tell anyone but instead kept it bottled inside of him, like his own perverted version of a soul specter, gnawing him when he was alone. He figured no one would understand why he was having problems so long after everything. It was just a weird Xander… thing. He wasn’t about to flaunt that where anyone could see.
Too many nightmares and too much stress eventually culminated in a spectacular rush at the Rock Porium. While working on restocking the shelves, Chip missed a rung on a step ladder he was working on. He went crashing hard onto the floor, flat on his back with one of his legs still tangled in the ladder. He was lucky not to have broken his neck.
But when Xander heard the crash and saw his friend lying completely still on the floor, his mind forgot everything. It was only his nightmares come to life.
He panicked.
Admittedly, he panicked like a little girl, yelling incoherent things.
When he came to his senses again he had Chip in his arms and Vida, Madison and Toby circled around them, at a loss to why their friend was flipping out, wide eyed and out of his head.
When he'd reassured himself that Chip was alive, and yes, not soulless but full of life (albeit still sore with a slight concussion) he'd done the next natural thing. He kissed Chip. A deep frantic, unrestrained kiss. Instinct made him break for air and when he opened his eyes, he saw Chip's glazed expression and pouty lips. He fully expected a wallop for his trouble, but instead the younger boy simply blinked and then recaptured his lips with a more gentle, confident kiss.
A kiss that was much more gallant, but then his Chip was a knight. He was just the conscripted solider.
Xander took Chip to the Emergency Room, watched doctors patch him up, then took him home and refused to leave him alone. He made such a nuisance of himself that by the time they were 20, they had moved in together. At 23 they owned their flat and their own strange type of domesticity that rather resembled a respectable couple instead of two bachelors shacked together. Xander surprised everyone (including himself) with the strength of his love for Chip and the simple life they had.
So Xander had been frightened, yes. But not a coward. Not then.
Madison brings Marissa down to the flat a quarter past 12 with a pink backpack full of books, coloring pads and Catastros the stuffed purple pony. Xander hears the excited squeals echo down the hallway and he mentally applauds himself when he manages to successfully extract himself from the football game playing in front of him. He waves a jaunty hello to Maddie and she gives him one of her shy half smiles before making an quick escape while Marissa prattles excitedly to Chip about everything and nothing.
Marissa has Nick's eyes, Maddie's smile and Vida's extroverted nature. She's got a rather large juice stain on the front of her blue jumper and the ratty pony she holds in one hand is missing an eye. She launches herself at Xander the minute she spies him, clutching his legs like a creeper vine against a countryside window.
"Well 'ello Ms. Russell," Xander drawls, knowing the child loves him for his accent.
"Hi Uncle Xander! Guess what? Uncle Chip and I are going to make cookies for mommy and daddy!"
"Are you?" He pretends to be shocked. "That sure sounds fun."
Marissa beams. "Ah huh and we're making enough for Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt V, Uncle Chip and you Uncle Xander!" The five year old punctuates this statement by freeing Xander's legs and twirling around in a pirouette that would make her Aunt V proud.
Xander finds himself smiling, genuinely amused. "I don't suppose you two master chiefs might allow a bloke like me to watch?" The question is directed at Marissa but it is also a request from his lover as well as an indirect apology.
Chip stares at his lover and the small child dancing in between them. A million thoughts seem to flash through Chip's eyes before his lips creep into a small grin and his head tilts into a nod.
"I dunno--what do you think Missy-bissy? Should we let Uncle Xander watch?"
Marissa giggles, a slippery light sound. "Of course! I want to make snowflake cookies, ok? And reindeer and trees!"
"We will do whatever is your heart desire, Ms. Russell," Xander makes a little half bow to go with the silly statement and sends her into another round of laughter.
Chip rolls his eyes at his lover's antics. "He doesn't get to lick the bowl," Chip tells her and he takes her by the hand to lead her into the kitchen. Xander trails behind the pair, watching the way Chip gently corrals the five year old child to the counter where he's arranged all the cookie ingredients with additional child sized spoons and colorful plastic measuring cups. He interacts with her like he was a born parent and the realization sobers Xander quickly like being doused with ice water.
Xander never pictured his early twenties ending up this way. He'd always seen himself as a bachelor, hanging out in pubs, living back in Australia perhaps, watching football with a couple of mates and a tallie in hand. He never thought he'd sacrifice a Saturday morning to baby-sit the child of his closest friends, let alone having to turn his kitchen into an arts and crafts arena for a precocious tot. Children, plastic measuring cups, anything vaguely domestic--these weren't the things he had pictured himself possessing, ever. Even when his imagination had strayed into picturing his future thirty or forty years forward it hadn't featured any sort of family.
But Maddie needed time to shop for all her relatives and Nick was in Rootcore, doing whatever it is 'The Light' did that did not involve turning evil or sacrificing himself like a tussled up lamb. Vida was single and thus very good at hiding from the duties of the committed, so that left them entertaining the child five short days before Christmas. It’s like minding a possessed candy cane of hyperactive goodness.
Even so. Xander watches Chip and Marissa laughing in the kitchen and bites back the thought that the two of them look good together. How Chip looks parental covered in flour, dressed in an apron. Its an image that shouldn't work but somehow does and it messes with his brain till he can't help but look away.
He feels the full attention of blue eyes on him but Xander can't make himself raise his head to return the gaze.
Like any young person, there were some days where Xander wanted to blame a majority of his personality flaws on his parents.
Xander's father is a tall, broad shouldered handsome man. He likes surfing but he never wore a boonie, nor did he work in bush or any other sort of stereotypes the world seem to have with Australians. In fact Xander's father had worked in an office in Adelaide. Sometimes he would take afternoon off to take his young son to the beach or to the zoo after school. Xander's father helped his son with his math homework and taught Xander how to surf and how to ride a bike. His father didn't read bedtime stories to his son and always deferred English homework to Xander's mother, sheepishly explaining that his mother was better 'at the reading stuff'.
Xander's mother is a very patient woman. She was the one to explain to her son that violence is never the right answer. She is a natural diplomat, keeping a calm tone even when Xander broke the living room window with a ball or flunked a test because he was too lazy to study for it. His mother was the one to tend to Xander's scrapes and bruises, the one who taught Xander to read and to stand up straight. To smile and to be charming.
Growing up, Xander never saw his father in the kitchen and his mother never showed much interest in rugby or football. His father grilled, sure, but nothing beyond that. His parents didn't ask that Xander learn domestic things yet it was also a given that he would learn to play football and rugby. It felt...normal. At the end of the day, the men of the Bly household ended up by mutual agreement lounging on the couch while the women-folk did housework. That was how it was.
When Xander saw Chip cook for the first time, it had thrown him. It was a side of his lover he hadn't known existed. They were the proverbial odd couple; the nerd and the cool foreign kid, brains meets looks and other such romantic novel clichés. Chip was spastic, hyper and earnest. Smart and very geeky. But when he cooked, a lot of that hyperactivity faded. The first time Chip invited Xander over for dinner, the older boy had been impressed by the intensity of the other boy’s concentration and the way his hands moved over his ingredients. There was a peacefulness that Xander never really seen before, as Chip always exuded enthusiasm like waves. They had been halfway through preparing the meal before Xander remembered that it was Chip who assisted Udonna in making the dawn crystal when Necrolei turned Vida into a vampire.
That had made him startle, remembering that his friend was both a wizard and a mystic warrior--a knight and also a cook. The bravest man Xander knew and also the boy who preferred to rewatch Superman Returns over watching the Rose Bowl or the rugby match. Someone who played Dungeons and Dragons and then raised Dragons in his spare time.
In short, he is nothing like the people Xander grew up with.
Chip is multi-layered. His personality continues to unfold and roll out, like the way storm clouds spread and grow across a barren winter sky. There are times when Xander is both humbled and frightened by his lover's complexity. He doesn't feel like he is as layered or as unique as his Chip. He feels simple; plain even, a pretty face but lacking actual substance. Good looking but ultimately boring, filled with baggage even though he came from what feels like a perfect home.
When he feels like this, he can't help but wonder why Chip loves him at all.
Xander offers to clean up the kitchen after Chip and Marissa finish creating two dozen slightly mangled pine tree shaped sugar cookies. Chip shoots his lover a grateful look before allowing Marissa to drag him away to the living room. Xander busies himself by dumping empty batter bowls and measuring cups into the sink and allows the repetitive motions calm his mind. He refuses to so much as look at the Solvant Green apron, even though he ends up soaking the front of his rugby shirt. He does, however, use it to mop up the mess of red and green sprinkles that covers the countertop. After the kitchen is made more presentable, Xander wanders back into the bedroom and tosses his wet shirt and Chip's dirty apron into the laundry basket. He changes into a green tee-shirt he's had for years and wanders out again, not entirely sure what to do with himself now.
Chip and Marissa are sitting in Xander's favorite recliner, surrounded by library books. Chip is reading some sort of picture book to Marissa and the younger girl is absolutely captivated by Chip's storytelling and the voices the former ranger uses for each character in the book. Xander watches his lover and is briefly reminded of his childhood but he shoves the memories down with an effort. He doesn't want to think about his mother while looking at the former Yellow Ranger, for no other reason than Chip is Chip and no one else.
The tale finishes with a flourish and Marissa applaud him loudly while Xander whistles like he was at a concert instead of an interloper on the fringes of story time.
"What story was that," Xander asks after a moment.
Chip grins mischievously to Xander. "The Boy Who Cried Fabulous," he says as he turns to show the rather flashy cover to Xander. "Its one of Marissa's favorite books. Right missy?"
"Yup!" Marissa nods. "Everything is fabulous!" The child dissolves into a fit of giggles.
"Ahh...well, that sounds rather..."
"Campy?"
"....Rather..."
"Queer?"
"Enthusiastic," Xander responds sharply. "And ah quite lovely I suppose."
"No Xander," Chip says with a serious look on his face, "Its fabulous."
"Fabulous!" Marissa crows.
"For for the love of--" Xander waves his hands in the air. "Whatever happened to Dr. Seuss? Cat in the Hat? Hop on Pop?!"
Xander knows his face is broadcasting his flustered, uncomfortable feelings for his lover to see but Chip seems to be in a better mood than before and he gives Xander a look that is both filled with amusement and understanding.
"I'm sorry Xander. Would you prefer 'The Sissy Duckling'?"
Xander's eyes widen comically and his forehead creases into a frown. "The Sissy what? Are you serious? What else do you have in there?”
There is a rustle of books before Marissa pops up with another book. "'Heather Has Two Mommies', Uncle Xander!" She chirps helpfully.
"Along with 'Daddy's Roommate'," Chip says with a wicked grin.
Xander groans. "I'm going to kill Maddie for this. Possibly take scissors to her library card."
"Can we read another book, Uncle Chip?" Marissa interrupts as she looks up to Chip. "Please?"
"Well Marissa, I actually have to check up on the cookies. They should be finished by now. Perhaps Uncle Xander will read you a story next?"
There’s a not-quite-innocent look here and Xander mentally curses his lover for lulling him into a sense of false security.
"Aw luvs, I'm a horrible storyteller."
"It’s that or you deal with the cookies," Chip replied.
"Please? I want to hear you read!"
The Aussie mentally groans when Marissa turns her big brown eyes at him, accompanied by a lower lip pout.
"Alright! I'll read! You must have inherited that look from your father. That is absolutely Nick's pouty face."
Marissa laughs. "Yes!"
"Play nice now," Chip scolds they switch places on the recliner. Xander gives his lover a glare till the redhead disappears into the kitchen.
"So Miss. Russell, what shall we read?"
"King and King!"
Marissa shoves a picture book into Xander's arms and the young man eyes the cover with confusion.
"'King and King'?"
"Yup! It a story about a Prince, who has a kitty and a mommy the Queen and the Queen says the Prince has to get married but he likes no one until he meets Prince Lee and after a while, they get married and its just like normal fairy tales only its two princes instead of a princess that live happily ever after!"
"Two Princes--," Xander flips through book's rather ...unique illustrations with a frown. "What the? That picture looks like Queen Victoria! Of all the--"
"Please Uncle Xander?"
"I...of course Missy, luv," Xander assents with a sigh. "You sure you want this book? Sounds like you've read it before."
"I've read them all, Uncle Xander."
"...'Right, then."
Xander picks up the book and Marissa immediately snuggles her way under Xander's arm, burrowing her head onto his chest. Xander looks down at his 'niece' with small smile before contemplating the book in front of him. A story about a prince falling in love with another prince. Of course. Maddie wouldn't be able to resist the irony.
Except Chip is a knight, not a prince and if any of them truly was royalty, it was Nick/Bowen/ "The Light" himself. If anything Xander is…is the Prince's second hand man. His prime minister perhaps. Yes, prime minister most definitely works. The gallant knight and the prime minister of Briarwood.
God, could his life be any more sickeningly sweet?
"Uncle Xander?"
"Hm? Oh sorry luv."
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Xander opens the picture book to the first page.
"On the tallest mountain above the town lived a queen, the young crown prince and the crown kitty.
The queen had ruled for many long years and she was tired of it. She made up her mind that the prince would marry and become king before the end of the summer."
If he wanted to, he could blame Madison and Nick for everything; his recent cowardliness, his smarmy behavior and the distance between himself and Chip.
It started with a conversation between Maddie, Vida, Chip and Xander.
"Marissa's been asking questions."
"Questions?"
"Questions about...about you two."
Typical hard-hitting kindergarten questions, the type of questions adults excelled at fumbling miserably. Innocent, ugly, honest, brutally tough questions. Because really, Marissa Russell has more Vida Rocca in her than anyone would like to admit, to the point where some days Xander expects to see the child bouncing into their apartment with a stripe of pink hair and wearing baby sized doc martins.
"'Right. What's this got to do with me then? Ow! Hey!"
"Xander, Maddie's got a point here."
"I don't see any point--kids ask questions all the time. I'm sure she'll forget about this one."
"Actually, I've already told Missy about you two. I just wanted to let you two know that she might ask you things. Personal things. Five year olds are curious."
"I still don't see--"
“Oh for--” Vida sighed. "She's pretty perceptive for a little kid. She's already picked up that being gay is strange and somewhat negative--"
"Yes but what does that have to do with us?"
"...You mean besides the fact that you two live together?"
"But we're not like that, are we? We've nothing to do with any of it. Not like that at all."
The words had flown out of his mouth before he'd thought them through, but even if he had paused for a moment and just...thought, he never would have expected Chip to get up and leave the kitchen table without saying a word.
Because he was being honest. It hadn't occurred to him to him that sleeping with a guy necessarily meant...he was 24 years old but he'd never questioned....he'd didn't....
Fuck.
He was the biggest wacker ever.
"You are the biggest idiot ever!"
"Ow! Vida! Will everyone quit hitting me 'ver the head?!"
"No because you are a idiot. Are you really that dense?”
"…Will the answer result in more beatings? OW!”
"--Five years Xander?!"
"....I honestly hadn't thought about it."
"You are such a--"
"--Idiot. Yes, thanks mate, we don't need an encore."
"Fix this. Fix your head and then fix Chip. Now!"
He did try. Try to fix things. But in all honesty he hadn't ever looked at himself and Chip in that way. As...alternative. So perhaps the shared flat and the fact that he now preferred a home cooked meal over a pint and the fact that he willingly watched Battlestar Galetica instead of footy (although never during a championship, mind) should have been clues. Yet he'd never cared for politics, American or otherwise, and he never went to college. He never lied to his parents about living with Chip. He just never spelled it out and surely they must have drawn their own conclusions now.
But yes, Xander didn't really know, because his parents had moved back to Australia and he wasn't much for visiting on holiday. Chip's family knew, Vida, Maddie and Nick knew, hell almost everyone in the two realms knew. What was there to think about?
Apparently a lot.
"Why won't you go with the girls to decorate for Christmas?"
"Because I don't want to, Chip! The girls have it covered and 'sides what do I know about decorating? Nothing!"
"You don't need to know anything about decorating, its just about having fun with your friends!"
"And we can have fun doing something else! Like watching a movie or going for a hike-"
"We want you to decorate with us--"
"Decorating is a girl's job!"
"...What the hell? Xander--"
"I'm not like that and neither are you so just stop talking! Stop talking!"
That's what it came down to. His inability to escape his father's shadow. His cowardliness. He'd always been ...reluctant to join in artistic things. He thought it was because he was a much better skater than a painter, more interested in music than cooking. There was the part of Xander felt more comfortable separating himself from everyone else and hiding behind what he called 'managerial duties'. He'd never wanted to be a DJ like Vida, or film maker like Maddie. He wanted to be the director because the director called all the shots.
The director was always in control.
But after the discussion with Madison about Marissa, he found himself recoiling from things he wasn't used to doing, second guessing his decisions and behavior. Wondering if his love of music wasn't a sign of something else. If he spent too much time on his hair. If baking was really a feminine job. What if he wasn’t in control of himself as much as he thought and what if he wasn’t as much of man as he always assumed he was.
Xander had always thought of himself as a ladies man. It didn't occur to him until now that loving Chip pretty much eliminated that title for him.
He loved Chip. Loved him with an intensity that frightened him sometimes. Loved him in a way he didn't think his parents ever felt. Loved him with all his geekish trappings, his eight sided dice and vampire chalk, his tendency to find trouble and his active imagination. He watched Star Wars and Stargate, listened silently to theories on horror films and re watched Firefly for the thousandth time (they had memorized all of the dialogue to Serenity). He was there when Chip was knighted by Daggeron and held his hand the first time he'd gotten a rejection letter for his manuscript. Chip had watched Xander wipe out horribly in a skateboard local championship and been standing next to him the first time he and Toby had opened up a second Rock Porium in neighboring Newtech City. And even before they started really dating, Chip had been there at the airport when he’d returned home from a ‘mysterious mission’ to San Angeles, slightly beaten up but wearing the biggest smile since…well ever.
He'd created a life with Chip and it seemed that to him that it shouldn't matter what type of life that was. It was no one's business but their own.
And if Xander had never thought about how their relationship impacted his personal identity before...well he was making up for it now. Screwing it up, yes, but also appreciating the little things he'd taken for granted all these years. The little things like the way in which they were able to sit in silence, side by side, working on different little projects but still able to enjoy each other's company. They'd sit together in a Starbucks, Xander with black coffee and Chip with a mocha, at a tiny table in a corner of the store. One would work on his novel and the other would go over the Rock Porium inventory. Looking back at the memory, Xander saw how easy it was for anyone passing by to think that the two of them were mates, buddies even. They could be just two blokes meeting up do work together. Two Bachelors.
Yet Xander cant help but feel happy that they're not buddies. That when they leave they go in one car to one home and sleep in one bed. They have their own separate lives but come home to each other, and each other alone. He can accept this and that’s the most essential thing.
After Chip proclaims the cookies absolutely perfect, Marissa runs off for a taste test and leaves Xander staring at the final page of King and King with the two happily married Princes smiling back at him from their storybook setting.
He decides to take a walk to clear his head.
When the cold drives him back inside the flat thirty minutes later, he finds Marissa sitting alone in the living room playing with some Barbie dolls. Chip is nowhere to be seen. Marissa smiles and immediately demands his attention.
"Uncle Xander, will you play house with me?"
Xander feels proud of himself that he only freaks out for three seconds before responding positively.
"Of course Missy."
He kneels on the soft carpet of their living room and accepts a smaller child sized Barbie doll from Marissa.
"I'm the mommy and you’re the baby and this is our castle, and this is our moat, and this is where our dragon sleeps, and this is where the trooblins live."
Clearly Nick's been taking his daughter to see his parents recently.
"'Right Missy luv. Where's the daddy?"
Xander looks about for another doll and blinks when Marissa pulls another brunette Barbie from out of nowhere.
"This is the other mommy and she's a Princess."
"So what is the first mommy then?"
"She's a brave knight. She saved mommy and the trooblins and now they have a baby and the entire kingdom is coming to see them. They're having a huge party for the baby."
Marissa has an angelic smile as she explains her imaginary world to Xander. She resembles her mother the most when she's content and calm.
"Ok, so the Princess has to pick out what the baby's going to wear for the party. Not pink because the baby hates pink even though the knight likes pink and yellow and green and blue and red..."
Watching Missy play reminds Xander just how innocent children are. How simple things are for them. It seems so easy, fantastical and whimsical that it makes Xander's chest tighten and his hands shake. Love seems so simple.
Then Xander looks into his niece's eyes and realizes that sometimes, it is.
Maddie picks up her exhausted offspring at 5 o'clock, leaving Chip and Xander alone for the first time in hours. Xander watches from the window until the van turns the corner and is gone from view. Then he looks and finds Chip rearranging furniture in the small room.
"I'll start dinner at 6," Chip mummers as she straightens up. "I'm thinking spaghetti sounds nice."
"Hmm..." Xander says softly as he moves to encircle his arms around Chip's hips from behind. "Sounds good to me, luv."
Chip leans back into Xander and kisses the side of the other man's neck. "You did good with Missy. I'm proud of you."
Chip says the last by whispering it into Xander's skin. He shudders and tightens his grip.
"She's a bright kid."
"She totally gets it from her mom."
Xander chuckles in agreement. They fall into a lull where it’s just the two of them pressed up against each other. Xander can't see Chip's face so he has no way to gauging how his lover will react to his next statement. He gathers up his courage and asks anyways.
"Luv?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you…ah…that is…can I help cook dinner?"
He feels Chip's body tense slightly, the most quicksilver reaction like a pulse of electricity that races between their bodies. Then just as suddenly Chip relaxes.
"You want to help me cook?" He asks without turning around. "What happened to not knowing how."
Xander shrugs knowing that the other man can feel the movement. "I have you here," Xander says quietly. He means it as a statement that goes beyond cooking.
Chip knows it too. The former Yellow Ranger turns slowly, with a gracefulness he mastered only after years of training with Daggeron.
"I'm not allowing vegemite anywhere near my kitchen," he says finally.
"'Course not. I know your yank tastebuds can't handle the rich flavour.”
"They way you say flavour makes me positive that your saying it with the 'u' in there."
"You mean the proper spelling of the word? And the 'u' is silent so no."
"Its the snobby spelling of flavor."
"Illiterate yank."
"Prissy Aussie."
"Aussie's are not prissy!"
"No just you."
Xander chuckles and silences Chip with a kiss. Chip moans appreciatively into the kiss before quickly breaking it off.
"What?"
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
Xander looks down at his feet. "Why not?"
"I'm just curious."
"I'm..." Xander pauses. "I'm trying Chip. Really, I am.”
There is a moment's pause where Xander is absolutely positive that the world has completely stopped. Nothing moves save his heart and Chip's.
"I know you are," Chip says finally, his voice strong and clear. "I don't expect you to change everything. Just…"
“Stop being a complete arse?”
“…Think before you react.”
“That’s a load coming from you, mate.”
“Two words: Plan Xander.”
“Hey! Who's the one talked the giant out of eating the lot of you again?"
"After spending most of the trip sulking because you thought Daggeron was picking on you."
"He was. Jealous of my skills with the leaves and such."
"Really?"
"One with the trees--"
"Says the man who loves to sit in his armchair and watch soccer all day," Chip cuts off Xander's reply with another long kiss. Eventually the two come up for air and they rest their foreheads on each other, gazing into each other's eyes like lovesick teenagers.
'I am turning into such a pansy,' Xander thinks to himself. For the first time though, the thought brings only a smile to his lips.
"I think we can continue this elsewhere," Xander smirks.
"And miss dinner?" Chip breathes.
"Dinner can wait."
"Possibly."
"It'll go faster if I help."
"You don't have to--"
"I want to."
"Really?"
"Really, really.”
Chip stares into Xander's eyes and there is a moment where he wonders again, what Chip sees in them. What keeps him here year after year, after the war, accepting him with all his quirks and false charm.
He knows what he sees in him. Something gallant, unconditional, something magnificent and royal.
"That's all I ask Xander."
He tries and everyday he succeeds a little and fails a lot. But everyday he still has Chip and that is enough.
Additional Author Notes
Picture Books mentioned in this story:
The Boy Who Cried Fabulous. Newman, Leslie. Tricycle Press, 2004.
The Sissy Duckling. Fierstein, Harvey. Simon & Schuster, 2002.
Heather Has Two Mommies. Newman, Leslie. Alyson Publications, 1989.
Daddy's Roommate. Willhoite, Michael. Alyson Publications, 1990.
King and King. De Haan, Linda, Tricycle Press, 2002.
Librarian. Hur Hur Hur.