I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control.
Mitch Hedberg died today. If you haven't heard him, he was probably the funniest comedian ever in the history of ever. I hate when celebrities die, because it's sad, but you have no real connection to the person, so you can't be sad in the normal way. Anyway, Mitch Hedberg died, and that sucks.
"When you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. 'What candy bar are you getting?' 'That one. And everyone on the bottom row!' I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fuckin' big."
"The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory and say, 'You owe me some letters!'"
"I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. 'Oh you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you. And it's to your exact specifications. I did not you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your laady up too.'"
"Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica because the dude didn't even get his degree."
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to. But first I'll have to travel to the top to corners of the map, so it won't fall down."
"Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald's commercials end like this: 'Prices and participation may vary.' I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. I'll say, 'Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.'"
"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 'Want some more home-made Sprite?' 'Not till you figure out what the fuck else is in it!'"
"I order the club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. 'I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.' 'So do I.' 'Well let's form a club then.' 'Okay, but we need some more stipulations.' 'Yes we do.' 'Instead of cutting a sandwich once, let's cut it again.' 'Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle.' 'And in the middle we will dumb chips... or potato salad, okay.' 'Let me ask you a question: How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?' 'I'm for 'em!' 'Well this club is formed.'"
"I went to the store and bought 8 apples. The clerk said, 'Do you want me to put them in a bag?' I said, 'Oh no, man. I juggle. But I can only juggle 8. If I'm ever in here buying 9 apples, fuckin' bag 'em up."
P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
"When you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. 'What candy bar are you getting?' 'That one. And everyone on the bottom row!' I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fuckin' big."
"The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory and say, 'You owe me some letters!'"
"I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. 'Oh you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you. And it's to your exact specifications. I did not you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your laady up too.'"
"Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica because the dude didn't even get his degree."
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to. But first I'll have to travel to the top to corners of the map, so it won't fall down."
"Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald's commercials end like this: 'Prices and participation may vary.' I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. I'll say, 'Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.'"
"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 'Want some more home-made Sprite?' 'Not till you figure out what the fuck else is in it!'"
"I order the club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. 'I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.' 'So do I.' 'Well let's form a club then.' 'Okay, but we need some more stipulations.' 'Yes we do.' 'Instead of cutting a sandwich once, let's cut it again.' 'Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle.' 'And in the middle we will dumb chips... or potato salad, okay.' 'Let me ask you a question: How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?' 'I'm for 'em!' 'Well this club is formed.'"
"I went to the store and bought 8 apples. The clerk said, 'Do you want me to put them in a bag?' I said, 'Oh no, man. I juggle. But I can only juggle 8. If I'm ever in here buying 9 apples, fuckin' bag 'em up."
P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.