Applicant

[eien_no_sakkaku]

Title: While We Walked
Status: Applicant
Genre: Literary fiction, perhaps?
Word Count: 3,179

The actual text of my application is in a separate post. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Lilli

Comments

No

[somerled]

This is not a story about escaping genocide. It is a non-stop, petty sibling quarrel. It has the feel of a family road trip from Cleveland to California: confined, bored, endless.

Re: No

[eien_no_sakkaku]

That's fair enough. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks for your time and consideration.

Re: No

[somerled]

Many suggestions. Since you want to write about displacement and courage, let's start with authenticity. I can tell reading this you have never actually spoken with a refugee recently escaped

Re: No

[eien_no_sakkaku]

Okay. I'll start doing my reading, well, right now. Truthfully, I suppose I never even considered that. You've been extremely helpful and I really appreciate your suggestions.
Again, thank you. I'll do my best to keep what you've said in mind.

Declined

[somerled]

Usually we get more votes and comments out than this, but we're at a lull here. Anyway, speaking for myself personally I certainly wouldn't discourage you from continuing to write.

The write_away community is an excellent place to get and give critique, and occasionally read some really good stories. I recommend you join up if you haven't already.

No

[imaginecreate]

You have imagery and visualization, but the flow of the words isn't smooth. The prose is jarring. At first I thought they were on a trip. Perhaps darken the mood, make it a little more dystopian. Don't repeat words so frequently. A blue, blue sky seems brighter than dark.