Comments | fictionslamming: My new short story

neeterskeeter in fictionslamming

My new short story

Feb 26, 2008 14:02

This is my first completed short story in a very long time. I welcome any feedback and criticism. It has approximately 4,500 words. Thank you.

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Comments 7

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neeterskeeter March 3 2008, 02:23:13 UTC

Thanks for the helpful comments. They will help me when I revise this piece. I appreciate it. ~Anita

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mehinda March 6 2008, 04:12:54 UTC

I can think of only one good example of good As You Know, Bob dialogue, except it wasn't As You Know, Bob it was, "What, Heather, did you have a brain tumor for breakfast this morning? First you ask if you can be red knowing I'm always red..."

somerled March 6 2008, 01:03:52 UTC

Hey neeterskeeter! Sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage, but it sounds like you have a really sweet daughter and at least one potential boyfriend.

The way you tell this story it sort of takes an early sharp turn. If this is going to be a chamomile-fueled mother-daughter sentimental tear-jerk, I don't think you need to linger so long on the opening scene with the high school-like date wrap-up. Just start with the kettle whistling and take it from there. Kevin's already gone over the line-level detail and dialog issues.

One thing the story lacks is any serious emotional stakes. It's hard for an outsider to care much about this conversation, and the characters agree on too much for there to be tension.

neeterskeeter March 6 2008, 20:38:58 UTC

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure if your first paragraph was a joke, but the story is not autobiographical, considering I'm 27, I've never been married and I have no children (except ones that are very furry and walk around on four legs) :)

I have a lot to do in editing this story so I appreciate all the suggestions! Thanks again.

somerled March 7 2008, 02:35:27 UTC

No no, first paragraph is definitely just kidding. I could tell it wasn't autobiographical.

neeterskeeter March 7 2008, 04:57:49 UTC

Oh good -- I was going to say! ;)

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neeterskeeter March 31 2008, 07:57:34 UTC

You're right, I always make my stories way too long and full of way too many plot spins etc. I will try to write a shorter story so that I'm forced to concentrate on one of the many different things that could end up happening in it. That is going to be my new goal. :) Thanks!