I did read it. Why not, only 610 words, after all.
More verbiage isn't going to help this piece be this piece. So forget expository back story or character development. Already this is over-written. What is wrong with the following?
"You fucking cunt biter!" Jessica yelled as unpleasantly as her foul mouth could manage."
It doesn't need "yelled" because there is an exclamation point, it doesn't need "foul mouth" because the expletives are right there, it doesn't need "unpleasantly" because the reader can judge this for him/herself.
This piece of yours, even though it is only 610 words long, is redundant all over, it is over-written.
Here is another example:
Sam flashed back to the time a vat of acid fell onto his little sister and he watched her die screaming. So he didn't want to go into the basement full of barrels of acid.The second sentence is completely unnecessary. No reader is going to mistake Sam's hesitation to go into the room with the acid. Stick to the facts. Don't give the reader the conclusions. Trust the reader to
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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hadn't realized I embellished the wording so much... I'll try to take into account more of what the characters are saying next time.
Sorry to the other reviewers for my negative summary, I just wanted to express that this wasn't intended to be serious or poignant or meaningful. It's mostly just a dramatic burst of expletives and harsh imagery in order to entertain. I suppose I also thought it was clever but I am an amateur and i'm sure you all could do better.
No, honestly, we're all amateurs. Most of us are scratching dirt with us chickens. And, realistically, if you were a member, looking to entertain, that'd be one thing. But to apply such is asking for trouble.
I'd be the first to say it's clever. But clever is clever. You wouldn't expect someone to say "well, all your grammar was good, so you're in." No one gets anywhere with one and only one mastery.
Are you crazy? You submit a piece of crap that you're aware is a piece of crap and...what? You want us to vote you in so you can put the same care and attention into critiquing our work?
I think you missed Step One of the process. The part where you, you know, write something worth submitting.
Geez, and I thought the "this is an excerpt from an idea I had" people were bad...
I didn't say it was a piece of crap, just that it wasn't the best example of what I could do. Specifically it lacks depth and I didn't really analyze it, I just sort of free-thunk it hoping it might *not* be crap. If I had to do it over i'd churn out 3 or 4 paragraphs to support the last one as it was somewhat forced, but part of the idea was to add all those details in at once to surprise the reader. This could be a really stupid idea but I don't know, so I submitted it to find out. And the category of "adult crap" was because it's obviously got no taste and little redeeming quality past pulp entertainment with adult themes, but I hoped at least the way in which I wrote it wouldn't suck.
Yes, unfortunately, I did. And it is crap, by my definition of crap, which is to say it's obviously unedited, unreflected-upon, and unburdened by any attempt to actually write like a professional. ...I know I'm being harsh, but you're getting the benefit of stepping on my BIGGEST pet peeve, which is people who spew words on paper, make no attempt to actually try to make it good by any standards other than that it gave them a thrill to write it, and then expect *others* to spend more time being serious about it than they, the author, did
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Then I'm not even going to bother, either, and vote no without reading it. If you don't even like it, why should I care?
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More verbiage isn't going to help this piece be this piece. So forget expository back story or character development. Already this is over-written. What is wrong with the following?
"You fucking cunt biter!" Jessica yelled as unpleasantly as her foul mouth could manage."
It doesn't need "yelled" because there is an exclamation point, it doesn't need "foul mouth" because the expletives are right there, it doesn't need "unpleasantly" because the reader can judge this for him/herself.
This piece of yours, even though it is only 610 words long, is redundant all over, it is over-written.
Here is another example:
Sam flashed back to the time a vat of acid fell onto his little sister and he watched her die screaming. So he didn't want to go into the basement full of barrels of acid.The second sentence is completely unnecessary. No reader is going to mistake Sam's hesitation to go into the room with the acid. Stick to the facts. Don't give the reader the conclusions. Trust the reader to ( ... )
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Sorry to the other reviewers for my negative summary, I just wanted to express that this wasn't intended to be serious or poignant or meaningful. It's mostly just a dramatic burst of expletives and harsh imagery in order to entertain. I suppose I also thought it was clever but I am an amateur and i'm sure you all could do better.
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I'd be the first to say it's clever. But clever is clever. You wouldn't expect someone to say "well, all your grammar was good, so you're in." No one gets anywhere with one and only one mastery.
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I think you missed Step One of the process. The part where you, you know, write something worth submitting.
Geez, and I thought the "this is an excerpt from an idea I had" people were bad...
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... out of curiosity, did you read it?
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