Application

[svenjaliv]

Judging by the ratio of rejected to accepted applications, I guess I've got bad odds, but here's hoping. I'm not one of those people who considers their work "high art", my main interest being in telling stories and telling them well. I'm looking for feedback and criticism, so please do tell me what you think. At the very least, I'll get some idea

Comments

No

[somerled]

Don't constantly explain things. Let the action and dialogue speak for itself. Show, don't tell. Cut out all the parts the reader will skip over anyway. Pace the delivery of information. Show the whole world in tiny, simple moments. Don't editorialize. Don't divert the reader's attention to things no one in the scene would be thinking about at the time. Remove gestures borrowed from this time and place, and replace them with gestures that belong entirely to the world you are building. Do you want examples of where this text does the opposite of all the above?

You can start by cutting what isn't unnecessary, then building back from there, adding only very few, very controlled items. Here is what you could cut from the first few paragraphs:

Coins clinked, sealing fates. It was a melodramatic way of thinking about it, something the court's bard might say, but it was true. Lif counted the coins, aware of Crest's eyes on him as he did so. He couldn't blame the man; he'd got good at sleight-of-hand over the past two years, and the rebels

Re: No

[svenjaliv]

First of all, thanks! Secondly... wow. That doesn't leave me with much of a story, does it? I always prefer stories that actually give the reader some insight into what's happening and why. I mean, okay, show don't tell, that's fair enough. But, really, if I cut all that info out - I might as well just write a list of actions and leave it at that, right?

Re: No

[somerled]

There's something to be said for paring a story down to actions and dialog. But that's not exactly what I'm getting at

Re: No

[svenjaliv]

There's something to be said for paring a story down to actions and dialog.

I guess that's a difference in taste right there. But it's probably a good practice, all the same. I'll definitely keep it in mind, as an exercise if nothing else.

interrupt a chase scene so that the character can tell the reader he's worried about some kid and he knows the guards and doesn't want people to die, and that the ceiling has been neglected for decades? This is classic "skip over" stuff.

What I was trying to do is show that a) he cares about the others and b) he's trained enough for situations like this that he can be semi-calm about them and still observe his surroundings.

When you are running from the police, what do you think about?

Wondering why they're chasing me and how to get away from them, I guess. :D

Reveal it in a conversation between Lif and the old owner....who isn't around, that being the main reason for the neglect. ;) It's an abandoned castle, in ruins. I have to get that across somehow, don't I, otherwise the reader's going to

No.

[bileograph]

I'm also going to say No

Re: No.

[svenjaliv]

Yeah, cliches are a major thing I'm trying to avoid. That's why I don't have an orphaned farmboy with a mysterious past, I have a nobleman who's trained as a warrior, but with no speshal magick talents. I want a different hero, the kind of guy who learns that doing the right thing for love or something is going to get him nowhere, rather than the other way around. Hence the smuggling and his subsequent exile. Which I personally haven't come across either, not in fantasy. I want to avoid the whole "special farm boy is told of his special destiny by a wise old man and follows him into the unknown" thing because, honestly, I find it boring as hell.

Re: No

[svenjaliv]

Thanks a lot, I'll keep that in mind. And I'll hunt around for more cliches that I can shoot down. Thanks for the feedback!

[trachea]

Everyone else said it all already.

No.

[fallen_scholar]

I'm not one of those people who considers their work "high art", my main interest being in telling stories and telling them well.One of the perennial problems is that genre fiction is four times harder than writing straight fiction, but because of this "high art" concept, people think that it's the other way around

Re: No.

[svenjaliv]

Thanks for that, interesting points. I don't really get the "rebellion being the Rebellion" comment - why does that suggest that I'm not immersed in the story? I'm not gonna argue that I am or I'm not, but I'm wondering how a rebellion suggests to you that it's not the case?

Re: No.

[fallen_scholar]

Rebellions, as a rule, don't call themselves "the Rebellion," nor do they think of themselves as the Rebellion, nor do people who are sympathetic to them call them that.

This is emblematic of the rest. I don't feel any distinctive or unique detail. As a rule, in fantasy writing, this comes from knowing where the rain shadows are and how the cobblestones fit together.

Re: No.

[svenjaliv]

Thanks for your input.