"you were never there for me to express how i felt; i just thought things out"
“To learn to think is to learn to question. Discuss a matter you once thought you knew ‘for sure’ that you have since learned to question.”
From a fairly young age, I was always a curious child. Sticking keys in electrical sockets, putting my fingers in hot cups of tea, skinning my knee after failing numerous times to ride a bicycle were only a few of the things I did to find answers to my own questions. At the time, I was a toddler, and I didn’t quite possess the means to convey these questions through words, so through application, I found my answers. Steam rising from a cup of tea really does mean that it’s hot. Riding too slow on my bicycle would cause me to fall. My curiosity always did leave me in dangerous and harmful situations like those I placed myself in. Being a person who asked questions for the majority of the time, there were very few things that I didn’t question. However, it doesn’t mean that I cannot answer this question because as every other human being, I have flaws and make mistakes. So naturally, it means that there are just some things that I never questioned, only to find out I had to.
Very few things surprised me with age. Most of the changes that happened, although I didn’t approve of them all, made sense. But unfortunately, with my increase in age and proportionally, my increase in knowledge, comes a somewhat frightening and just saddening answer to my question. The one thing I never thought I would have to question was myself. I was always taught not to. Even from elementary school, my teachers told me, “Never change your first answer. Don’t second guess yourself.” And I took it for face value, and whenever I bubbled in a scantron answer, I never erased it. But right now, as I write this and look at it, I question whether it makes sense. Whether what I’m writing can be both accurate about how I feel and fulfill the criteria for my college essay. And some people might attribute this to poor self-esteem, or issues in my childhood, but it’s just something that I suppose everyone goes through in different doses. All of you reading this can’t honestly say you haven’t ever questioned yourself on anything, that you’ve always had excellent self-esteem and believed in yourself. I’m sure you can go as far as to say you had the perfect childhood, straight A’s, and received a full-scholarship to college where you did everything the right way the first time. For the few of you that might be able to claim this, then good for you. You’ve sorted things out in an orderly fashion, and I tip my hat to the fact that you’re so well-composed. However, like a lot of teenagers, I haven’t quite gotten my head on straight all the time. I question myself to find out my passions. If I want to do something in particular, questioning my motives and my true intents will allow me to see if this is something I really want or not. And as I write this essay, I find myself erasing and backspacing parts of it, wondering if it is good enough.
I have always questioned myself. And as unfortunate as that might sound from time to time, it can prove helpful. In order for me to know myself better than others, I have to continue to ask myself the right questions to learn things about myself. I know the basics - my favorite color, my favorite television shows, my favorite books, and tons of other things. But I still need to learn some things about myself and the only way to learn these things is to ask the appropriate questions to myself. When I feel certain feelings, like peacefulness or hatred, I try to ask myself what triggers them and why I feel them with such intensity (if there is any intensity accompanying any of these at all) in order to understand them and then better understand myself. The power to think and therefore the power to question is what I employ against myself. I think of things I need to know about myself, I think about things I have to know about myself, and I think about things that are important to me. Naturally, then I proceed to question them.
Have you ever had the feeling that you loved something or someone with what you felt was all your heart? It hurts to have questions delivered to you about whether it is right for you. Are you sure you want to do this? Do you really love this person? This might be just a phase. Those are probably all starting to sound familiar. And when you really care about something or someone, those questions are answered with fervor and a slight defensiveness for yourself and the things that you want. But when you aren’t sure whether you do care about them, your mind can be changed and you can be convinced otherwise. That is why I question myself. Do I really want to go to college here? Do I want to do this with my life? How do I want to be remembered? And when my family asks me if this is where I want to go to college and if that is what I want to do with my life, I get defensive and passionate about it, and I tell myself that even if I lose contact with them, I have to do. At this point in my life, not being certain about a decision like that is reckless and I question myself to know that I am not possibly ruining my life by wasting years in discontent with my life.
Sure, as a child, I never questioned myself. I knew I liked cupcakes and the color blue, and I knew my kindergarten teacher wasn’t going to give me a pink cupcake and not hear from me about it. I knew I liked reading the Magic Tree House books by Mary Pope Osbourne. I used to know ‘for sure’ that I never need to question myself on any of the things. If I said I liked blue, I really did like it. And when I wanted to play the flute in the fourth grade, I never asked myself if the saxophone might have been for me. But as I got older, I found that I should have questioned myself more deeply, more often, and more fiercely. With every opportunity for something new, I ask myself questions about how I feel about it. Do I really want to play field hockey? Do I want to take extra classes? I feel that these are important questions that I have to ask myself. I used to think I knew myself and never needed to question that, but now I know better.
From a fairly young age, I was always a curious child. Sticking keys in electrical sockets, putting my fingers in hot cups of tea, skinning my knee after failing numerous times to ride a bicycle were only a few of the things I did to find answers to my own questions. At the time, I was a toddler, and I didn’t quite possess the means to convey these questions through words, so through application, I found my answers. Steam rising from a cup of tea really does mean that it’s hot. Riding too slow on my bicycle would cause me to fall. My curiosity always did leave me in dangerous and harmful situations like those I placed myself in. Being a person who asked questions for the majority of the time, there were very few things that I didn’t question. However, it doesn’t mean that I cannot answer this question because as every other human being, I have flaws and make mistakes. So naturally, it means that there are just some things that I never questioned, only to find out I had to.
Very few things surprised me with age. Most of the changes that happened, although I didn’t approve of them all, made sense. But unfortunately, with my increase in age and proportionally, my increase in knowledge, comes a somewhat frightening and just saddening answer to my question. The one thing I never thought I would have to question was myself. I was always taught not to. Even from elementary school, my teachers told me, “Never change your first answer. Don’t second guess yourself.” And I took it for face value, and whenever I bubbled in a scantron answer, I never erased it. But right now, as I write this and look at it, I question whether it makes sense. Whether what I’m writing can be both accurate about how I feel and fulfill the criteria for my college essay. And some people might attribute this to poor self-esteem, or issues in my childhood, but it’s just something that I suppose everyone goes through in different doses. All of you reading this can’t honestly say you haven’t ever questioned yourself on anything, that you’ve always had excellent self-esteem and believed in yourself. I’m sure you can go as far as to say you had the perfect childhood, straight A’s, and received a full-scholarship to college where you did everything the right way the first time. For the few of you that might be able to claim this, then good for you. You’ve sorted things out in an orderly fashion, and I tip my hat to the fact that you’re so well-composed. However, like a lot of teenagers, I haven’t quite gotten my head on straight all the time. I question myself to find out my passions. If I want to do something in particular, questioning my motives and my true intents will allow me to see if this is something I really want or not. And as I write this essay, I find myself erasing and backspacing parts of it, wondering if it is good enough.
I have always questioned myself. And as unfortunate as that might sound from time to time, it can prove helpful. In order for me to know myself better than others, I have to continue to ask myself the right questions to learn things about myself. I know the basics - my favorite color, my favorite television shows, my favorite books, and tons of other things. But I still need to learn some things about myself and the only way to learn these things is to ask the appropriate questions to myself. When I feel certain feelings, like peacefulness or hatred, I try to ask myself what triggers them and why I feel them with such intensity (if there is any intensity accompanying any of these at all) in order to understand them and then better understand myself. The power to think and therefore the power to question is what I employ against myself. I think of things I need to know about myself, I think about things I have to know about myself, and I think about things that are important to me. Naturally, then I proceed to question them.
Have you ever had the feeling that you loved something or someone with what you felt was all your heart? It hurts to have questions delivered to you about whether it is right for you. Are you sure you want to do this? Do you really love this person? This might be just a phase. Those are probably all starting to sound familiar. And when you really care about something or someone, those questions are answered with fervor and a slight defensiveness for yourself and the things that you want. But when you aren’t sure whether you do care about them, your mind can be changed and you can be convinced otherwise. That is why I question myself. Do I really want to go to college here? Do I want to do this with my life? How do I want to be remembered? And when my family asks me if this is where I want to go to college and if that is what I want to do with my life, I get defensive and passionate about it, and I tell myself that even if I lose contact with them, I have to do. At this point in my life, not being certain about a decision like that is reckless and I question myself to know that I am not possibly ruining my life by wasting years in discontent with my life.
Sure, as a child, I never questioned myself. I knew I liked cupcakes and the color blue, and I knew my kindergarten teacher wasn’t going to give me a pink cupcake and not hear from me about it. I knew I liked reading the Magic Tree House books by Mary Pope Osbourne. I used to know ‘for sure’ that I never need to question myself on any of the things. If I said I liked blue, I really did like it. And when I wanted to play the flute in the fourth grade, I never asked myself if the saxophone might have been for me. But as I got older, I found that I should have questioned myself more deeply, more often, and more fiercely. With every opportunity for something new, I ask myself questions about how I feel about it. Do I really want to play field hockey? Do I want to take extra classes? I feel that these are important questions that I have to ask myself. I used to think I knew myself and never needed to question that, but now I know better.