Hold On Tight and Don't Let Go (Brendon/Spencer)
Title: Hold on Tight and Don't Let Go (Part One)
Author:jewels667
Fandom/Pairing: Panic at the Disco (Spencer/Brendon, others)
Word Count: 14,000
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This story is full of lies, falsehoods, fabrications and other distortions of the truth. In other words, it's fiction.
Author's Notes: In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. A billion thanks to stephanometra for the massive help, the speedy beta, and the insistence on a happy ending. This is for torturemysoul and prettygood who both helped me see the appeal of a surprise Brencering. :D
This is an old story, one Spencer's heard a hundred times if he's heard it once, and everyone always tells it the same. It goes like this: Ryan and Spencer grow up together, best friends since they were in kindergarten, and all that jazz. They meet Brent, and Brent brings in Brendon, and then Ryan's first girlfriend cheats on him, and Ryan scribbles angsty lyrics onto lined paper. Ryan gets a cold; Brendon sings for him, and Ryan listens. Eventually, he makes Pete Wentz listen, too, and the rest, as they say, is history.
They always tell it the same, but that's not how it really happened.
In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. It's a ridiculous thing for Spencer to feel, because Brendon has stupid hair and he's more hyperactive than a Chihuahua puppy and he's Mormon and a virgin. Spencer's chances are pretty much nonexistent.
Still, that's how it happens. So, yeah, everyone knows this story, except for how they don't.
In Europe, Brendon loses his virginity to Siska and Spencer's glad. He is. He's glad it wasn't some random groupie, and Siska is nice, and he doesn't break Brendon's heart, and if Spencer goes out after it happens and fucks Tom, Bill and Mike to make himself feel better? Well, no one really notices, except maybe Ryan. Brendon certainly doesn't.
On Truck Stops Brendon starts fucking Brent, and Spencer's pretty sure that's a monumentally stupid idea.
"They're going to fuck up the band," Spencer says to Ryan after he's pushed his way into Ryan's bunk. Ryan moves over and raises his eyebrow and goes back to texting whoever he's texting. Probably Jac.
Ryan isn't fooled, and that's great. Spencer's jealous. He knows this, but it doesn't make his statement any less true.
"I know what you're thinking," Spencer says pissily. "But it doesn't have anything to do with that."
It does, and Ryan knows it does. "You wouldn't be saying it if he was having a lot of really loud sex with you."
The real problem is that Brendon is gay, like all-the-way Liberace kinds of gay, and Brent's... not, as far as Spencer can tell. Brent has a girlfriend that he talks to every second he's not on stage or putting his dick up Brendon's ass. Brent talks about her in terms of forevers, and picket fences, and babies he'll sign up for Little League some day. Brent isn't gay, and there's just no way in hell this is going to end well.
"When it all comes crashing down around us and we end up back in Vegas working with Brendon at the Smoothie King, I want you to remember this conversation."
Ryan rolls his eyes, but he looks a little bit worried.
Spencer meets Haley on Truck Stops after the Chicago show, and he falls pretty god damn hard, because she's pretty and sweet and calm and everything that Brendon Fucking Urie isn't. It's one of those cliché teenage romances where they have too much sex and not enough conversations and everything around them dims and blurs until all they can see is each other. Sometimes Spencer's chest gets so tight he can't breathe just from thinking about her.
He falls in love with Haley and and it doesn't have anything to do with the way Brendon looks at Brent when Brent isn't paying attention. It doesn't have anything to do with Brendon at all. Except for how it does.
Brent leaves them a few months later. He and Brendon aren't fucking anymore. In fact, they're barely speaking, and Ryan takes Brendon's side, because Brendon is really good at acting like the injured party.
Spencer doesn't take sides, because Brendon and Brent are both stupid fucking idiots, but at least Brendon is a stupid fucking idiot who shows up for work. They fire Brent, and Spencer does all the talking because Ryan looks like he wants to be sick, and Brendon? Despite Brendon's utter stupidity, and Haley's existence, Spencer's still a little bit in love with Brendon, so he gives him a free pass.
It's Brendon's idea to call Jon, and something in Spencer's gut clutches and twists with a nastiness Spencer easily identifies as jealousy. But, it's a common enough feeling when Spencer's dealing with Brendon and his easy affection for anything male and remotely hot, so Spencer shrugs it off and calls Jon.
"Come play with us for a while," he says and Jon says, "Sure, okay." Spencer can practically see the bored shrug.
So, they ask, and Jon says yes. They all agree that it's temporary because Jon fits in with their band like Brendon would fit in with the NFL. It's not going to work for the long term, and they all know it.
Except somehow, it does.
Like Brent and Brendon, this is another part of the story they tend to leave out, because now that some time has passed, Spencer can admit it was a monumentally stupid thing to do. Plus, Haley sort of deserves her anonymity these days. It's the least Spencer can do.
They've barely been dating six months when they do it.
She comes for Thanksgiving, and Spencer wants to show her his town, wants her to meet his parents and his sisters and see where he grew up. Spencer wants her to do everything, so long as it's with him.
He meets her at the airport, and she looks tired, exhausted, and he knows she's probably been up all night fighting with her parents. They didn't want her to come, and Spencer can't blame them. She's still only seventeen, and Spencer is in a band from Vegas, and if those aren't enough reasons to try and stop her, Spencer doesn't know what is.
Spencer doesn't know what she says, but they let her come, and it's Thanksgiving break, so Spencer has five days to do as much as they can before she has to be back home for school on Monday.
At the airport, they don't really speak, just murmured hellos, and Spencer gets her bag from the carousel when Haley points it out. Spencer drives and Haley rests her head on his shoulder and she's asleep before he makes it out of the airport parking lot.
His mother loves Haley; of course she does, because Spencer loves Haley, and his mother means it when she says things like, "I only ever want you to be happy, Spencer."
Spencer is happy, happier than he's ever been, happiest.
He's got his band, and he's got this great girl, and this great life, and if sometimes he looks at Brendon sitting across from him on their bus and yearns for things he'll never have, well, he'll learn to live with it. He has learned to live with it.
They go with Brendon and Ryan for dinner and a round of mini golf on Friday, and Brendon hangs all over Ryan like a baby opossum on its mother's back. They're a ridiculously tactile band, and Ryan is used to it, so he doesn't shrug Brendon off like Spencer wishes he would. Spencer pulls Haley a little bit closer and tries really hard to curb the urge to punch both Brendon and Ryan in their faces.
When they're done, Ryan ditches out to go to some party and leaves Spencer and Haley to deposit Brendon at his apartment. Brendon calls shotgun because he's really secretly five years old, and he has no idea what the word boundaries even means. He smacks a quick kiss on Spencer's cheek when he jumps out of the car and Spencer knows it doesn't mean anything, but he can feel his cheek tingling where Brendon's lips touched his skin.
He shows Haley the sights on Saturday, and they get drunk together on the roof of his parents house and make love under the stars, the shingles digging into Spencer's back as Haley rides him slow and languid. When she throws her head back and comes, Spencer stops breathing and his heart clenches so hard he thinks he might cry. He knows it's fucked up, stupid, utterly wrong, but sometimes, just the fact that she can make him forget Brendon exists, if only for a moment, makes Spencer love her even more.
"I don't want to leave," Haley says later, laying on top of him, their skin stuck together with sweat and spit.
"Let's get married," Spencer says, and he's not sure Haley hears him over the loud beating of his own heart until she curls her fingers into the curve of his shoulder where her hand is resting and lifts her head to crush their mouths together. Every time they break apart to pull in a ragged breath she whispers, "Yes," before their lips press in again.
They go to finish the tour, and it's easier than Spencer thought it would be. Spencer doesn't look at Brendon; not when Brendon's on stage flirting with Ryan and Jon, not when he's on the bus schooling Ryan at Guitar Hero, not when he's laying across the couch, head in Jon's lap and feet in Spencer's.
"Rub my feet," Brendon says, and Spencer rolls his eyes and focuses harder on whatever is happening on The OC episode Jon's got playing. Spencer rubs Brendon's feet completely against his will and doesn't look at Brendon at all, because he asked Haley to marry him and he meant it, and looking at Brendon now would be really, really wrong.
Being engaged isn't much different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. It's easy, despite the distance, mostly because they're both so in love they can't even hate the miles, the long days and weeks between stolen kisses and sweaty sex. Whatever problems the distance makes crumble away with a text message or a phone call or a plane ride.
When the tour ends, they take a few weeks off before they head up to the cabin to try and write the new album.
"Come to Vegas," Spencer says into the phone on his first night back. "Come be with me."
"Yeah. Yes," Haley says. "I can come for a few days."
"No," Spencer says. "Come be with me."
"I can't," she says. "I have to finish school."
Spencer nods because yes. She has to finish school, but he misses her. He wants her and he knows it's selfish, but he doesn't care.
Spencer buys a house and puts Haley's name on the deed next to his and then puts the deed in his sock drawer and puts it out of his mind.
Spencer drives to Brendon's where they're supposed to meet Jon and Ryan. They're heading up to the cabin today and Brendon's complex has enough parking for them to all leave their cars.
Brendon is eating Pixi Stix and drinking Red Bull while smoking a joint on his balcony when Spencer gets to his apartment.
"I think you're doing it wrong," Spencer says straddling one of the cheap plastic chairs Brendon keeps on his porch.
Brendon shrugs and offers Spencer his Red Bull. Spencer snags the joint out of Brendon's hand instead.
"Where's Shane?" he asks, and Brendon shrugs and stares at the sun, squinting, his eyes wrinkling at the corners.
"He got a girlfriend," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks maybe he catches something in Brendon's voice, something sad or wistful, and Spencer gets that familiar sour feeling in his stomach.
They go a little crazy up there. Spencer tries a lot of drugs he's never tried before, smokes a lot of weed and drinks a lot of alcohol. It's interesting, but not really productive. They don't make any music, and Spencer worries that they don't have anything to say anymore until he sees Brendon scribbling furiously at the kitchen counter one morning.
Spencer likes to watch Brendon up here. It feels like he can, because it's just the four of them and there's nothing but his own conscience to tell him that it's wrong. He's always been pretty good at ignoring that anyway.
Brendon doesn't seem to mind when he catches Spencer doing it, either, and if it makes Spencer's breath catch in his throat and his fingers itch to touch, he ignores that too.
Spencer has denial down to a science.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asks, flopping down in the chair next to Brendon and leaning over to rest his head on Brendon's shoulder.
Brendon nuzzles a little with his cheek over Spencer's hair, and Spencer closes his eyes for a second and lets himself believe it's more than just normal affection between band mates.
"Lyrics," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks huh.
"About what?" Spencer asks.
"You, me, all of us," Brendon says without looking up.
Huh.
It's like being married, Spencer thinks, being in a band. It's like being married to three other dudes who you don't have sex with.
Of course, it's not like Spencer wouldn't have jumped at the chance before Brendon nearly fucked everything up by fucking Brent; before Spencer met Haley. Now? Well, he doesn't have sex with his band. It's not a rule or anything, but it's just a pretty good idea to not fuck your friends, especially ones you're going to have to work with after the fucking is over.
Spencer likes to think he knows each of them pretty well. They've lived on top of each other for two years, and Spencer has learned how to navigate the waters, how to communicate, how to speak Ryan and Brendon and Jon.
Ryan is intense and sweet and so goddamn earnest he sometimes borders on the ridiculous. His childhood was shitty, but not any shittier than most people's, and a whole hell of a lot better than some. Still, Spencer thinks music really did save his life, in that Ryan always feels things are worse than they are, and Spencer isn't so sure he wouldn't have done something monumentally stupid if there hadn't been words spilling from a radio telling him to hold on for one more day.
Brendon is not Ryan, and Brendon's childhood wasn't shitty until it was. Spencer knows it must have hurt to have the people he loved most in the world lose faith in him, but Brendon never shows it, never lets his smile fall. In the beginning, Spencer thought it must have been an act, but Brendon is guileless in almost everything . He's incapable of hiding from anyone, even the fans, and finally Spencer figured out that music is his life. He would have paid any price to do this, and so the one he paid wasn't so bad. He would have given up more.
Jon loves music the way some people love football. He knows artists like they know players, knows songs like they know statistics, knows chords like they know plays. It's in his blood and he's in it and Spencer knows he'll still be doing this long after Panic is nothing but a distant memory waiting for its turn to take up play time on the oldies station. Jon hates the bullshit and loves the music and has zero patience for the first and an unquenchable need to explore the other.
These are the people Spencer loves, and they love him, know him backward and forward and inside out. They know everything about him except one thing, and he feels bad about it for a fraction of a second before he remembers he's allowed to have some things for himself. There are some secrets that should be kept. Spencer knows that unspoken rule better than anyone, knows it every time he looks at Haley, every time his eyes linger too long on Brendon. Some things can't be shared, shouldn't be shared. Not even in a marriage. Not even in a band.
Ryan calls for a break, and Spencer doesn't want to argue. He misses Haley, and Jon misses Cassie, and Ryan misses Keltie, and Brendon clutches his notebook to his chest and looks out the window and shrugs his shoulders.
So, they go home, and Jon comes back a month later with Cassie in tow. It's Haley's birthday weekend and Spencer flies her out, and they barbecue in Ryan's backyard, and Keltie and Haley let Brendon put highlights in their hair. After, they all lay in the grass and drink beer until they can't feel their lips anymore.
Spencer fucks Haley in Ryan's spare bedroom. It's messy and he comes before she does, has to replace his cock with fingers and work her through her own orgasm, thumb pressing down on her clit.
"Spencer, Spencer, Spencer," she says again and again, and Spencer thinks, yes, I'm right here, always right here.
Haley stops shaking eventually and she runs her fingers through Spencer's hair and says, "I'm eighteen now."
Spencer smiles and kisses her mouth, humming in the back of his throat. "I have something for you," he says and it takes him a minute to find the envelope in his bag. He hands it to her with shaking hands and when she sees her eyes get large.
"You're giving me your house?" she asks, her voice full of surprise.
"Our house," Spencer says. "I want it to be our house."
"So, you still want to..." Haley looks at him hopefully and Spencer says, "Yes. Of course. I love you, so, so much."
They go the next day and apply for a marriage license, and then they go furniture shopping. Haley wants to decorate, wants to buy things they pick out together. Spencer goes with her and learns what she looks like when she likes something, when she loves something, when she can't live without something. They buy a couch, brown leather with brass buttons up the arms and square wooden legs with carvings etched in by hand.
It's the most beautiful, comfortable piece of furniture Spencer's ever owned, and Spencer's ego takes a little beating when Haley's eyes flit from the couch to Spencer, and he realizes the look in her eyes is the same one she gives him after she comes.
He tries to seduce her on it the night it gets delivered. She laughs and pushes him off of her and leads him up to what is going to be their bedroom when she finally moves in.
He doesn't hold it against her. It's a really nice couch.
They do it the night before she flies home and no one comes. No one knows. Not even Ryan.
They hang out a lot in Ryan's backyard and nothing gets done. They go swimming and they smoke a lot of weed and they talk about how constricted they feel.
"Let's go in the water," Jon says finishing his beer and Ryan nods his agreement. Spencer wrinkles his nose and spreads out in a lounge chair next to Brendon.
Brendon's shoulder blades are already red, the back of his neck starting to turn pink, and Spencer contemplates the sunblock on the ground next to his lounger and wonders if he can get away with putting some of it on Brendon's back. He's not even sure Brendon would wake up if he tried, and he's almost resolved to quit being a pussy and just do it when Brendon says, "We should go practice tomorrow. I miss just playing to play."
Spencer jumps a little and then let's out an embarrassed laugh before he points out, "We don't have anything to practice."
"Let's just play, Spencer. Don't you wanna play?"
Spencer does. He makes Brendon put on a shirt, and they go to tell the others.
They get high first. Of course they do. Spencer likes his band, but he really loves his band when they're high. They play for hours and hours and Spencer doesn't know where his phone is or how long they've been here, but it feels like forever. He decides it's time for a break.
"I love you, Brendon," Spencer says, because he can like this. It doesn't have to mean anything when he's like this. Brendon looks up from behind Spencer's drum kit to where Spencer is sprawled on the floor. His eyes are wide and confused until he sees the bong in Spencer's hand, and then he smiles.
"Dude, you are so stoned," Brendon says. He comes around from behind the kit to lie on the floor next to Spencer. Spencer tucks his fingers into Brendon's hair and smiles when Brendon pushes up into the touch like a cat. After a few minutes Brendon takes the bong from Spencer's hand and takes a hit.
"What time is it?" Jon says from across the room. "It feels like we've been here for days."
"It's like seven in the afternoon, or something," Spencer says thoughtfully.
Brendon giggles next to him and croons softly, "Your eyes are the size of the moooooon," his voice warbling on the final word.
Jon and Spencer laugh together but Ryan says, "Wait, wait. Oh my god you guys. Wait!"
They stay for hours longer, writing and playing and pounding out rhythms, and no one asks what time it is again.
Jon wants to go for drinks, but Keltie has a job in New York on Wednesday, and this is her last night in Vegas. Brendon has plans with Shane and Regan, and that leaves Spencer to go with him even though he'd really rather go home.
An hour later they're both drunk and Spencer is still a little stoned. "Man, dude," he says because they have a whole song. One song and Spencer feels like he's flying, like something is finally breaking free.
"I know," Jon says, nodding and smiling, and Spencer loves Jon when he's drunk. He smiles more, laughs harder, makes everything warmer and better. It's sort of amazing, because Jon is easily one of Spencer's favorite people without alcohol, but with it he's a purring kitten.
Spencer smiles at Jon and says, "I'm so happy, man. Everything is so fucking amazing."
"So, happy," Jon says smacking an enthusiastic kiss on Spencer's cheek.
Spencer smiles and he's warm and he's with one of his best friends and they made music today, together, and he just wants to tell someone. He just wants someone else to be as happy as he is. "Haley and I got married," Spencer says suddenly. "Last week before she flew home, we just went out and got married."
Jon smiles for a second, like maybe Spencer's telling a joke, until Spencer stays silent for longer than it takes to get to a punch line. "You what?" Jon asks, voice full of disbelief.
Spencer suddenly doesn't feel as happy. In fact, he's feeling a little bit sick looking at the look on Jon's face. "We got married," Spencer says again.
"You... what?" Jon says shaking his head. "Why would you do that?"
Spencer blinks a couple of times and swallows hard. "We're in love," he says and is pleased that his voice comes out strong, sure.
"Well, duh," Jon says, but he's not being funny. His words are clipped and short, and he looks angry, which is a weird look on Jon Walker.
"Jon, Jon, it's fine. We're happy. We're so happy. Everything is fine." Spencer is a little bit irritated that he feels like he has to justify anything to Jon.
"Did you... Fuck, Spencer. Does Ryan know?"
Spencer shakes his head. "No one knows. Not my parents, not her parents, no one but you."
Jon blinks a couple of times and then swallows down the rest of his Jack Daniels. "You. Fuck, Spencer, I'm sorry. I'm a little shocked right now. I mean, what the fuck were you thinking?"
Spencer can feel the anger, snapping like an aggressive dog. "Fuck you," Spencer says. Spencer goes to get up, and Jon puts his palm on Spencer's shoulder to hold him still.
"Spencer, man, just give me a second here. I'm freaking out a little," Jon says apologetically.
Spencer shrugs Jon's hand from his shoulder, but he sits back down, neither of them speaking until the bartender makes another pass and Jon orders them both another round.
"Don't get mad," Jon says, and Spencer feels his shoulders tense, Jon's words having the opposite effect than the one intended. "You're only nineteen, Spence. I just don't understand what the rush was."
"I love her. She loves me," Spencer says like that explains everything, and it does. It does. Haley is the best thing in Spencer's life, and considering Spencer's life is pretty fucking incredible without her, that's saying something.
"I love Cassie, man, but I'm not proposing. Things change, people change. Just... tell me you at least talked to a lawyer, had her sign a prenup."
Spencer punches Jon in the face.
Ryan comes over the next morning looking furious and worried and annoyed that he's been made to have so many expressions this early in the morning.
"You hit Jon," Ryan says, pushing past him and into the kitchen.
Spencer breathes a sigh of relief, because if Jon told Ryan what the fight was about, he and Ryan would be having an entirely different conversation. "I did," Spencer says.
"You want to tell me why?" Ryan snaps impatiently.
"Not really," Spencer says.
Ryan looks shocked and he actually takes a step back. "Since when do we keep secrets from each other?" Ryan asks.
Spencer feels the words like a blow. Ryan's always known just how to manipulate him and guilt him, and Spencer sighs, because he already knows he's lost this particular round. "It's between me and Jon," Spencer says gently. "But,I'll fix it. Where is he?"
"Brendon's," Ryan says softer, but still short, still hurt.
"Okay," Spencer says.
Jon pours him coffee and hands it over, and Spencer knows that's the only sorry he's going to get. They both drink their cups quietly while Jon does the crossword and Spencer reads the local pages.
Brendon comes in a few minutes later and steals the comics from Jon. Spencer gets up and goes into the kitchen to pour Brendon a cup of coffee and sets it down in front of him. "I love you," Brendon says earnestly as he takes greedy sips. He hisses as the liquid burns his tongue and Spencer watches, heart beating in his throat as Brendon's tongue flits out over his bottom lip.
Spencer distracts himself by picking up Jon's empty cup up along with his own. He gets them both refills, and when he sets the cup in front of Jon, Jon looks up and says, "I love you too, you know?"
Spencer blinks, and swallows, and squeezes Jon's wrist quickly. "I know, and you know, me too," he says.
Spencer turns to look at Brendon, who is watching both of them, eyes lingering on the bruise along Jon's jawline, and Spencer can feel the thickness that's settled over the room. Everything is heavy and awkward with things unsaid, and he swallows hard and looks at Brendon, pleading with his eyes until Brendon sticks his lip out and says, "Guys. Guys! Why doesn't anyone love me? I'm clearly the adorable one here."
Jon snorts and reaches across the table to ruffle Brendon's hair. "I don't know, Bren; Spencer's pretty adorable."
"No, Jon. No! Spencer was adorable, but he has a beard now. A beard!" Brendon says mournfully. "No one can be adorable with a beard."
"That's true," Spencer says, trying not to smile.
"I mean he could be sexy, or manly, or ruggedly handsome, but I clearly have cornered the market on adorable."
"Clearly," Jon says. "Well, in that case, you're right. It's downright scandalous that we don't love you."
"You are a cruel, cruel liar, Jon Walker. You love me best of all," Brendon says not even bothering to hide his delighted smile.
"I don't know," Jon says. "Spencer is pretty amazing, too." Jon looks at Spencer and smiles, and Spencer smiles back, and just like that they're both forgiven.
"Well, I could argue," Brendon says happily. "But I am not a cruel, cruel liar."
Jon laughs again and goes back to his crossword, and when Brendon beams at Spencer from across the table, Spencer mouths, "Thank you."
Haley graduates, and Spencer flies to Illinois and they sit down in her parents' living room. Haley thinks it's best to wait to tell them about the marriage, and since Spencer's not particularly looking forward to the dropping of that bomb, he agrees. Still, he's nervous. He's essentially whisking these people's daughter off to Sin City two weeks after she's graduated from high school and he really, really doesn't want her parents to hate him. He links his fingers tightly with Haley's even as he thinks, They can't stop us. She's eighteen now. We're married.
The don't try, anyway, and Haley's mother even gives Spencer a tentative hug.
Spencer has to go. He's supposed to be meeting the guys at their practice space in less than an hour. He's excited, ready to work and to have fun and keep building on the momentum they started with the first song.
But he can't stop kissing Haley, and every time she tries to shove him out the door, he turns around and kisses her again. "Go!" She finally says, laughing high and bright when he leans back in for one last kiss. "I'll be right here when you get back."
"Because you live here," Spencer says, smiling.
Haley rolls her eyes and nods. "Yes," she says.
"With me," Spencer says. "Because you looove me."
Haley giggles and smiles and says, "I question my sanity most days," but she leans in and kisses Spencer breathless anyway. "Now hurry up and go make music so you can come back to me."
Spencer gets in his car.
They continue to write music together everywhere; in Ryan's backyard, Spencer's kitchen, their old studio space where they first practiced with Jon, where he first became theirs. Spencer gets up every morning and kisses Haley goodbye, and he meets his best friends and they make music together and everything feels new and bright, except for how it all feels exactly the same. Spencer has never been happier in his life.
Brendon gets quiet after a particularly long day in their practice space, and if it was Ryan or even Jon, Spencer wouldn't notice, but it's Brendon and Brendon does quiet like cats do baths, which is to say not at all.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asks him for what feels like the millionth time.
Brendon slams his notebook closed and shakes his head before he says, "Nothing."
Spencer sighs and sits down on the couch next to him. "You ever going to show me what you're working on?"
Brendon swallows and shrugs and then passes the notebook over to Spencer. It feels like Brendon is sharing a secret with him and it feels intimate, different than when Ryan shares what he's working on. There are lyrics littered throughout the pages, tucked in between melodies and riffs, and Spencer flips the pages slowly, pays attention, because this is important. When he's done, he feels a little lonely; happy, but kind of unsettled. He thinks he must be feeling what Brendon's feeling.
"You should show these to Ryan," Spencer says when he passes the notebook back.
"Maybe it's... They're just silly little ditties," Brendon says, but it sounds like someone else's words, and Spencer is going to kill George Ryan Ross to death.
Spencer finds Ryan and Jon playing guitar together in Ryan's backyard. "Ryan, I'm here to kill you."
Ryan looks decidedly unconcerned, even smirks before he says, "Aren't you becoming our own little Conan."
"Did you tell Brendon his songs were crap?"
"What? No," Ryan says. "I liked them. I told him I liked them."
"You called them little ditties," Spencer says through gritted teeth.
Jon nods sagely and says, "You did, Ryan. You did call them that."
Ryan's eyes get wide and he tries to make them pool and plead like Brendon but he's really lousy at it. "But they are little ditties, Spence. They're not even full-fledged songs."
The thing about Ryan and Brendon is that they come at music from completely different places, and while Ryan loves what music can mean, Brendon loves how music makes him feel. They love each other, and they respect each other, but they don't necessarily get each other. Sometimes it makes Spencer's head hurt.
It doesn't help that Brendon has spent his entire life trying to make sure everyone loves and approves of him, while simultaneously insisting on doing exactly as he pleases. Sometimes, Spencer thinks Brendon must have more personalities than the worst case of DID on record. It's probably pretty exhausting, which totally explains all the Red Bull Brendon consumes.
Anyway.
Ryan is scarily intimidating, and Brendon loves Ryan, and Ryan can be the most clueless fuck that ever existed on the planet Earth. "Ryan," Spencer sighs. "Do you think you can maybe go fix Brendon now?"
"I don't even know what I did!" Ryan says incredulously.
"You insulted his songs, dude," Jon says, picking lazily at his guitar.
"I. Said. I. Liked. Them." Ryan's jaw is clenched so tight Spencer wouldn't be surprised if his teeth cracked.
Spencer taps his foot and says, "Little ditties, Ryan?"
"Fine! Okay, I'll talk to him," Ryan says petulantly. "I just have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him about his songs."
"He's ours," Jon says quietly.
Spencer loves Jon. Jon gets things, and that is totally why Spencer loves Jon and will never, ever punch Jon in the face again. "I will never, ever, punch you in the face again," Spencer says earnestly before he turns his attention to Ryan and says, "They're his, and he's ours, Ryan. He's ours."
Ryan swallows hard and gets up to call Brendon.
They finish writing the album, and it ends up being incredible, different, beautiful in all the ways that they are incredible, and different, and beautiful. Spencer can hear them all in the music, and it's so different from the first album. It's more. It's better, and Spencer thinks it'll be nice if the fans like it, too, but really? It doesn't matter if they don't.
They go to Abbey Road to add the finishing touches, and then the promotional blitz starts up and Spencer finds his days are full of answering endless questions that are always the same. He lets Ryan and Jon field most of the musical ones, lets them field most of the questions period, and only says something when he has something to say, which isn't often.
Spencer is annoyed by journalists. He hates having to do this, having to explain these things when they could just play the record and find everything they're looking for anyway; from the missing punctuation, to where they are now, and where they want to go tomorrow. It's all right there in Ryan and Brendon's words, in Jon's melodies, in Spencer's beat. They don't listen, not even when Ryan answers the same question for the hundredth time. Jon gives him a reassuring look that says, I'll answer it tomorrow.
He texts Haley constantly, comes home when he can, even if it would be easier to stay wherever he is. Spencer forgot what it was like to be away from her for long stretches of time. They've had a year to get used to being with each other constantly, and now they're without the cushion of newness, and lust, and the plain, crazy love they had during the last tour. It's hard. Haley doesn't complain, but Spencer can tell she maybe wants to.
"Missed you, missed you," Spencer says when he gets home from Europe. There are more interviews, concerts, then Honda Civic Tour will start and Spencer will be gone again until June, but today, tonight, for a little while, he's here and Haley doesn't waste time saying useless things like I wish. She just takes him to bed.
She comes to New York when they play SNL, and Spencer gets the nicest hotel room available, has champagne and food waiting for them, and they eat by candle light and make love a little drunk on champagne. Spencer thinks this is good, great even. Everything will be fine.
Something happens with Brendon, and he becomes diminished, less, unless he's drunk or on stage. Spencer hasn't quite figured out what to do about it when Jon comes to him.
"Brendon," he says, and Spencer says, "I know. Yeah."
They sit quietly for a while, and then Jon holds up his fist and puts it against his palm. They play best two out of three, and Spencer wins. Jon sighs and goes to find Brendon.
Brendon starts smiling more with his mouth, but it still doesn't reach his eyes. Jon is distant and sometimes downright frigid in interviews, and he can see Brendon take it in, can see the scars as clearly as if Jon was cutting him with glass instead of indifference.
When Spencer mentions it to Ryan, he shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know what Spencer is talking about. Spencer sighs, disgusted, because Ryan never sees anything when he's in love and right now, he's in love with Jon. Jon helped Ryan make music, make it mean something, and Spencer knows the rose-colored glasses won't be coming off anytime soon.
Spencer goes to the source. "Stop being a dick," he says.
Jon raises his eyebrow, but he makes room in the chair he's sitting in and Spencer sits down half on Jon's lap and half in the small space Jon's made for him. "Okay," Jon says into Spencer's neck and Spencer turns his face and snaps his teeth right by Jon's nose. Jon huffs a laugh and nuzzles more just to be annoying.
"You're hurting his feelings," Spencer says and Jon stops playing around, settling against the cushions of their chair.
"He's being an idiot," Jon says sensibly.
"Maybe," Spencer says. "But he's not hurting your feelings."
"Yeah, okay. I'm an asshole," Jon says.
Things get better after that, a little, and Brendon smiles more with his eyes, but he saves most of them for Spencer.
Spencer smiles back.
Part Two
Author:jewels667
Fandom/Pairing: Panic at the Disco (Spencer/Brendon, others)
Word Count: 14,000
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This story is full of lies, falsehoods, fabrications and other distortions of the truth. In other words, it's fiction.
Author's Notes: In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. A billion thanks to stephanometra for the massive help, the speedy beta, and the insistence on a happy ending. This is for torturemysoul and prettygood who both helped me see the appeal of a surprise Brencering. :D
This is an old story, one Spencer's heard a hundred times if he's heard it once, and everyone always tells it the same. It goes like this: Ryan and Spencer grow up together, best friends since they were in kindergarten, and all that jazz. They meet Brent, and Brent brings in Brendon, and then Ryan's first girlfriend cheats on him, and Ryan scribbles angsty lyrics onto lined paper. Ryan gets a cold; Brendon sings for him, and Ryan listens. Eventually, he makes Pete Wentz listen, too, and the rest, as they say, is history.
They always tell it the same, but that's not how it really happened.
In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. It's a ridiculous thing for Spencer to feel, because Brendon has stupid hair and he's more hyperactive than a Chihuahua puppy and he's Mormon and a virgin. Spencer's chances are pretty much nonexistent.
Still, that's how it happens. So, yeah, everyone knows this story, except for how they don't.
In Europe, Brendon loses his virginity to Siska and Spencer's glad. He is. He's glad it wasn't some random groupie, and Siska is nice, and he doesn't break Brendon's heart, and if Spencer goes out after it happens and fucks Tom, Bill and Mike to make himself feel better? Well, no one really notices, except maybe Ryan. Brendon certainly doesn't.
On Truck Stops Brendon starts fucking Brent, and Spencer's pretty sure that's a monumentally stupid idea.
"They're going to fuck up the band," Spencer says to Ryan after he's pushed his way into Ryan's bunk. Ryan moves over and raises his eyebrow and goes back to texting whoever he's texting. Probably Jac.
Ryan isn't fooled, and that's great. Spencer's jealous. He knows this, but it doesn't make his statement any less true.
"I know what you're thinking," Spencer says pissily. "But it doesn't have anything to do with that."
It does, and Ryan knows it does. "You wouldn't be saying it if he was having a lot of really loud sex with you."
The real problem is that Brendon is gay, like all-the-way Liberace kinds of gay, and Brent's... not, as far as Spencer can tell. Brent has a girlfriend that he talks to every second he's not on stage or putting his dick up Brendon's ass. Brent talks about her in terms of forevers, and picket fences, and babies he'll sign up for Little League some day. Brent isn't gay, and there's just no way in hell this is going to end well.
"When it all comes crashing down around us and we end up back in Vegas working with Brendon at the Smoothie King, I want you to remember this conversation."
Ryan rolls his eyes, but he looks a little bit worried.
Spencer meets Haley on Truck Stops after the Chicago show, and he falls pretty god damn hard, because she's pretty and sweet and calm and everything that Brendon Fucking Urie isn't. It's one of those cliché teenage romances where they have too much sex and not enough conversations and everything around them dims and blurs until all they can see is each other. Sometimes Spencer's chest gets so tight he can't breathe just from thinking about her.
He falls in love with Haley and and it doesn't have anything to do with the way Brendon looks at Brent when Brent isn't paying attention. It doesn't have anything to do with Brendon at all. Except for how it does.
Brent leaves them a few months later. He and Brendon aren't fucking anymore. In fact, they're barely speaking, and Ryan takes Brendon's side, because Brendon is really good at acting like the injured party.
Spencer doesn't take sides, because Brendon and Brent are both stupid fucking idiots, but at least Brendon is a stupid fucking idiot who shows up for work. They fire Brent, and Spencer does all the talking because Ryan looks like he wants to be sick, and Brendon? Despite Brendon's utter stupidity, and Haley's existence, Spencer's still a little bit in love with Brendon, so he gives him a free pass.
It's Brendon's idea to call Jon, and something in Spencer's gut clutches and twists with a nastiness Spencer easily identifies as jealousy. But, it's a common enough feeling when Spencer's dealing with Brendon and his easy affection for anything male and remotely hot, so Spencer shrugs it off and calls Jon.
"Come play with us for a while," he says and Jon says, "Sure, okay." Spencer can practically see the bored shrug.
So, they ask, and Jon says yes. They all agree that it's temporary because Jon fits in with their band like Brendon would fit in with the NFL. It's not going to work for the long term, and they all know it.
Except somehow, it does.
Like Brent and Brendon, this is another part of the story they tend to leave out, because now that some time has passed, Spencer can admit it was a monumentally stupid thing to do. Plus, Haley sort of deserves her anonymity these days. It's the least Spencer can do.
They've barely been dating six months when they do it.
She comes for Thanksgiving, and Spencer wants to show her his town, wants her to meet his parents and his sisters and see where he grew up. Spencer wants her to do everything, so long as it's with him.
He meets her at the airport, and she looks tired, exhausted, and he knows she's probably been up all night fighting with her parents. They didn't want her to come, and Spencer can't blame them. She's still only seventeen, and Spencer is in a band from Vegas, and if those aren't enough reasons to try and stop her, Spencer doesn't know what is.
Spencer doesn't know what she says, but they let her come, and it's Thanksgiving break, so Spencer has five days to do as much as they can before she has to be back home for school on Monday.
At the airport, they don't really speak, just murmured hellos, and Spencer gets her bag from the carousel when Haley points it out. Spencer drives and Haley rests her head on his shoulder and she's asleep before he makes it out of the airport parking lot.
His mother loves Haley; of course she does, because Spencer loves Haley, and his mother means it when she says things like, "I only ever want you to be happy, Spencer."
Spencer is happy, happier than he's ever been, happiest.
He's got his band, and he's got this great girl, and this great life, and if sometimes he looks at Brendon sitting across from him on their bus and yearns for things he'll never have, well, he'll learn to live with it. He has learned to live with it.
They go with Brendon and Ryan for dinner and a round of mini golf on Friday, and Brendon hangs all over Ryan like a baby opossum on its mother's back. They're a ridiculously tactile band, and Ryan is used to it, so he doesn't shrug Brendon off like Spencer wishes he would. Spencer pulls Haley a little bit closer and tries really hard to curb the urge to punch both Brendon and Ryan in their faces.
When they're done, Ryan ditches out to go to some party and leaves Spencer and Haley to deposit Brendon at his apartment. Brendon calls shotgun because he's really secretly five years old, and he has no idea what the word boundaries even means. He smacks a quick kiss on Spencer's cheek when he jumps out of the car and Spencer knows it doesn't mean anything, but he can feel his cheek tingling where Brendon's lips touched his skin.
He shows Haley the sights on Saturday, and they get drunk together on the roof of his parents house and make love under the stars, the shingles digging into Spencer's back as Haley rides him slow and languid. When she throws her head back and comes, Spencer stops breathing and his heart clenches so hard he thinks he might cry. He knows it's fucked up, stupid, utterly wrong, but sometimes, just the fact that she can make him forget Brendon exists, if only for a moment, makes Spencer love her even more.
"I don't want to leave," Haley says later, laying on top of him, their skin stuck together with sweat and spit.
"Let's get married," Spencer says, and he's not sure Haley hears him over the loud beating of his own heart until she curls her fingers into the curve of his shoulder where her hand is resting and lifts her head to crush their mouths together. Every time they break apart to pull in a ragged breath she whispers, "Yes," before their lips press in again.
They go to finish the tour, and it's easier than Spencer thought it would be. Spencer doesn't look at Brendon; not when Brendon's on stage flirting with Ryan and Jon, not when he's on the bus schooling Ryan at Guitar Hero, not when he's laying across the couch, head in Jon's lap and feet in Spencer's.
"Rub my feet," Brendon says, and Spencer rolls his eyes and focuses harder on whatever is happening on The OC episode Jon's got playing. Spencer rubs Brendon's feet completely against his will and doesn't look at Brendon at all, because he asked Haley to marry him and he meant it, and looking at Brendon now would be really, really wrong.
Being engaged isn't much different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. It's easy, despite the distance, mostly because they're both so in love they can't even hate the miles, the long days and weeks between stolen kisses and sweaty sex. Whatever problems the distance makes crumble away with a text message or a phone call or a plane ride.
When the tour ends, they take a few weeks off before they head up to the cabin to try and write the new album.
"Come to Vegas," Spencer says into the phone on his first night back. "Come be with me."
"Yeah. Yes," Haley says. "I can come for a few days."
"No," Spencer says. "Come be with me."
"I can't," she says. "I have to finish school."
Spencer nods because yes. She has to finish school, but he misses her. He wants her and he knows it's selfish, but he doesn't care.
Spencer buys a house and puts Haley's name on the deed next to his and then puts the deed in his sock drawer and puts it out of his mind.
Spencer drives to Brendon's where they're supposed to meet Jon and Ryan. They're heading up to the cabin today and Brendon's complex has enough parking for them to all leave their cars.
Brendon is eating Pixi Stix and drinking Red Bull while smoking a joint on his balcony when Spencer gets to his apartment.
"I think you're doing it wrong," Spencer says straddling one of the cheap plastic chairs Brendon keeps on his porch.
Brendon shrugs and offers Spencer his Red Bull. Spencer snags the joint out of Brendon's hand instead.
"Where's Shane?" he asks, and Brendon shrugs and stares at the sun, squinting, his eyes wrinkling at the corners.
"He got a girlfriend," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks maybe he catches something in Brendon's voice, something sad or wistful, and Spencer gets that familiar sour feeling in his stomach.
They go a little crazy up there. Spencer tries a lot of drugs he's never tried before, smokes a lot of weed and drinks a lot of alcohol. It's interesting, but not really productive. They don't make any music, and Spencer worries that they don't have anything to say anymore until he sees Brendon scribbling furiously at the kitchen counter one morning.
Spencer likes to watch Brendon up here. It feels like he can, because it's just the four of them and there's nothing but his own conscience to tell him that it's wrong. He's always been pretty good at ignoring that anyway.
Brendon doesn't seem to mind when he catches Spencer doing it, either, and if it makes Spencer's breath catch in his throat and his fingers itch to touch, he ignores that too.
Spencer has denial down to a science.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asks, flopping down in the chair next to Brendon and leaning over to rest his head on Brendon's shoulder.
Brendon nuzzles a little with his cheek over Spencer's hair, and Spencer closes his eyes for a second and lets himself believe it's more than just normal affection between band mates.
"Lyrics," Brendon says, and Spencer thinks huh.
"About what?" Spencer asks.
"You, me, all of us," Brendon says without looking up.
Huh.
It's like being married, Spencer thinks, being in a band. It's like being married to three other dudes who you don't have sex with.
Of course, it's not like Spencer wouldn't have jumped at the chance before Brendon nearly fucked everything up by fucking Brent; before Spencer met Haley. Now? Well, he doesn't have sex with his band. It's not a rule or anything, but it's just a pretty good idea to not fuck your friends, especially ones you're going to have to work with after the fucking is over.
Spencer likes to think he knows each of them pretty well. They've lived on top of each other for two years, and Spencer has learned how to navigate the waters, how to communicate, how to speak Ryan and Brendon and Jon.
Ryan is intense and sweet and so goddamn earnest he sometimes borders on the ridiculous. His childhood was shitty, but not any shittier than most people's, and a whole hell of a lot better than some. Still, Spencer thinks music really did save his life, in that Ryan always feels things are worse than they are, and Spencer isn't so sure he wouldn't have done something monumentally stupid if there hadn't been words spilling from a radio telling him to hold on for one more day.
Brendon is not Ryan, and Brendon's childhood wasn't shitty until it was. Spencer knows it must have hurt to have the people he loved most in the world lose faith in him, but Brendon never shows it, never lets his smile fall. In the beginning, Spencer thought it must have been an act, but Brendon is guileless in almost everything . He's incapable of hiding from anyone, even the fans, and finally Spencer figured out that music is his life. He would have paid any price to do this, and so the one he paid wasn't so bad. He would have given up more.
Jon loves music the way some people love football. He knows artists like they know players, knows songs like they know statistics, knows chords like they know plays. It's in his blood and he's in it and Spencer knows he'll still be doing this long after Panic is nothing but a distant memory waiting for its turn to take up play time on the oldies station. Jon hates the bullshit and loves the music and has zero patience for the first and an unquenchable need to explore the other.
These are the people Spencer loves, and they love him, know him backward and forward and inside out. They know everything about him except one thing, and he feels bad about it for a fraction of a second before he remembers he's allowed to have some things for himself. There are some secrets that should be kept. Spencer knows that unspoken rule better than anyone, knows it every time he looks at Haley, every time his eyes linger too long on Brendon. Some things can't be shared, shouldn't be shared. Not even in a marriage. Not even in a band.
Ryan calls for a break, and Spencer doesn't want to argue. He misses Haley, and Jon misses Cassie, and Ryan misses Keltie, and Brendon clutches his notebook to his chest and looks out the window and shrugs his shoulders.
So, they go home, and Jon comes back a month later with Cassie in tow. It's Haley's birthday weekend and Spencer flies her out, and they barbecue in Ryan's backyard, and Keltie and Haley let Brendon put highlights in their hair. After, they all lay in the grass and drink beer until they can't feel their lips anymore.
Spencer fucks Haley in Ryan's spare bedroom. It's messy and he comes before she does, has to replace his cock with fingers and work her through her own orgasm, thumb pressing down on her clit.
"Spencer, Spencer, Spencer," she says again and again, and Spencer thinks, yes, I'm right here, always right here.
Haley stops shaking eventually and she runs her fingers through Spencer's hair and says, "I'm eighteen now."
Spencer smiles and kisses her mouth, humming in the back of his throat. "I have something for you," he says and it takes him a minute to find the envelope in his bag. He hands it to her with shaking hands and when she sees her eyes get large.
"You're giving me your house?" she asks, her voice full of surprise.
"Our house," Spencer says. "I want it to be our house."
"So, you still want to..." Haley looks at him hopefully and Spencer says, "Yes. Of course. I love you, so, so much."
They go the next day and apply for a marriage license, and then they go furniture shopping. Haley wants to decorate, wants to buy things they pick out together. Spencer goes with her and learns what she looks like when she likes something, when she loves something, when she can't live without something. They buy a couch, brown leather with brass buttons up the arms and square wooden legs with carvings etched in by hand.
It's the most beautiful, comfortable piece of furniture Spencer's ever owned, and Spencer's ego takes a little beating when Haley's eyes flit from the couch to Spencer, and he realizes the look in her eyes is the same one she gives him after she comes.
He tries to seduce her on it the night it gets delivered. She laughs and pushes him off of her and leads him up to what is going to be their bedroom when she finally moves in.
He doesn't hold it against her. It's a really nice couch.
They do it the night before she flies home and no one comes. No one knows. Not even Ryan.
They hang out a lot in Ryan's backyard and nothing gets done. They go swimming and they smoke a lot of weed and they talk about how constricted they feel.
"Let's go in the water," Jon says finishing his beer and Ryan nods his agreement. Spencer wrinkles his nose and spreads out in a lounge chair next to Brendon.
Brendon's shoulder blades are already red, the back of his neck starting to turn pink, and Spencer contemplates the sunblock on the ground next to his lounger and wonders if he can get away with putting some of it on Brendon's back. He's not even sure Brendon would wake up if he tried, and he's almost resolved to quit being a pussy and just do it when Brendon says, "We should go practice tomorrow. I miss just playing to play."
Spencer jumps a little and then let's out an embarrassed laugh before he points out, "We don't have anything to practice."
"Let's just play, Spencer. Don't you wanna play?"
Spencer does. He makes Brendon put on a shirt, and they go to tell the others.
They get high first. Of course they do. Spencer likes his band, but he really loves his band when they're high. They play for hours and hours and Spencer doesn't know where his phone is or how long they've been here, but it feels like forever. He decides it's time for a break.
"I love you, Brendon," Spencer says, because he can like this. It doesn't have to mean anything when he's like this. Brendon looks up from behind Spencer's drum kit to where Spencer is sprawled on the floor. His eyes are wide and confused until he sees the bong in Spencer's hand, and then he smiles.
"Dude, you are so stoned," Brendon says. He comes around from behind the kit to lie on the floor next to Spencer. Spencer tucks his fingers into Brendon's hair and smiles when Brendon pushes up into the touch like a cat. After a few minutes Brendon takes the bong from Spencer's hand and takes a hit.
"What time is it?" Jon says from across the room. "It feels like we've been here for days."
"It's like seven in the afternoon, or something," Spencer says thoughtfully.
Brendon giggles next to him and croons softly, "Your eyes are the size of the moooooon," his voice warbling on the final word.
Jon and Spencer laugh together but Ryan says, "Wait, wait. Oh my god you guys. Wait!"
They stay for hours longer, writing and playing and pounding out rhythms, and no one asks what time it is again.
Jon wants to go for drinks, but Keltie has a job in New York on Wednesday, and this is her last night in Vegas. Brendon has plans with Shane and Regan, and that leaves Spencer to go with him even though he'd really rather go home.
An hour later they're both drunk and Spencer is still a little stoned. "Man, dude," he says because they have a whole song. One song and Spencer feels like he's flying, like something is finally breaking free.
"I know," Jon says, nodding and smiling, and Spencer loves Jon when he's drunk. He smiles more, laughs harder, makes everything warmer and better. It's sort of amazing, because Jon is easily one of Spencer's favorite people without alcohol, but with it he's a purring kitten.
Spencer smiles at Jon and says, "I'm so happy, man. Everything is so fucking amazing."
"So, happy," Jon says smacking an enthusiastic kiss on Spencer's cheek.
Spencer smiles and he's warm and he's with one of his best friends and they made music today, together, and he just wants to tell someone. He just wants someone else to be as happy as he is. "Haley and I got married," Spencer says suddenly. "Last week before she flew home, we just went out and got married."
Jon smiles for a second, like maybe Spencer's telling a joke, until Spencer stays silent for longer than it takes to get to a punch line. "You what?" Jon asks, voice full of disbelief.
Spencer suddenly doesn't feel as happy. In fact, he's feeling a little bit sick looking at the look on Jon's face. "We got married," Spencer says again.
"You... what?" Jon says shaking his head. "Why would you do that?"
Spencer blinks a couple of times and swallows hard. "We're in love," he says and is pleased that his voice comes out strong, sure.
"Well, duh," Jon says, but he's not being funny. His words are clipped and short, and he looks angry, which is a weird look on Jon Walker.
"Jon, Jon, it's fine. We're happy. We're so happy. Everything is fine." Spencer is a little bit irritated that he feels like he has to justify anything to Jon.
"Did you... Fuck, Spencer. Does Ryan know?"
Spencer shakes his head. "No one knows. Not my parents, not her parents, no one but you."
Jon blinks a couple of times and then swallows down the rest of his Jack Daniels. "You. Fuck, Spencer, I'm sorry. I'm a little shocked right now. I mean, what the fuck were you thinking?"
Spencer can feel the anger, snapping like an aggressive dog. "Fuck you," Spencer says. Spencer goes to get up, and Jon puts his palm on Spencer's shoulder to hold him still.
"Spencer, man, just give me a second here. I'm freaking out a little," Jon says apologetically.
Spencer shrugs Jon's hand from his shoulder, but he sits back down, neither of them speaking until the bartender makes another pass and Jon orders them both another round.
"Don't get mad," Jon says, and Spencer feels his shoulders tense, Jon's words having the opposite effect than the one intended. "You're only nineteen, Spence. I just don't understand what the rush was."
"I love her. She loves me," Spencer says like that explains everything, and it does. It does. Haley is the best thing in Spencer's life, and considering Spencer's life is pretty fucking incredible without her, that's saying something.
"I love Cassie, man, but I'm not proposing. Things change, people change. Just... tell me you at least talked to a lawyer, had her sign a prenup."
Spencer punches Jon in the face.
Ryan comes over the next morning looking furious and worried and annoyed that he's been made to have so many expressions this early in the morning.
"You hit Jon," Ryan says, pushing past him and into the kitchen.
Spencer breathes a sigh of relief, because if Jon told Ryan what the fight was about, he and Ryan would be having an entirely different conversation. "I did," Spencer says.
"You want to tell me why?" Ryan snaps impatiently.
"Not really," Spencer says.
Ryan looks shocked and he actually takes a step back. "Since when do we keep secrets from each other?" Ryan asks.
Spencer feels the words like a blow. Ryan's always known just how to manipulate him and guilt him, and Spencer sighs, because he already knows he's lost this particular round. "It's between me and Jon," Spencer says gently. "But,I'll fix it. Where is he?"
"Brendon's," Ryan says softer, but still short, still hurt.
"Okay," Spencer says.
Jon pours him coffee and hands it over, and Spencer knows that's the only sorry he's going to get. They both drink their cups quietly while Jon does the crossword and Spencer reads the local pages.
Brendon comes in a few minutes later and steals the comics from Jon. Spencer gets up and goes into the kitchen to pour Brendon a cup of coffee and sets it down in front of him. "I love you," Brendon says earnestly as he takes greedy sips. He hisses as the liquid burns his tongue and Spencer watches, heart beating in his throat as Brendon's tongue flits out over his bottom lip.
Spencer distracts himself by picking up Jon's empty cup up along with his own. He gets them both refills, and when he sets the cup in front of Jon, Jon looks up and says, "I love you too, you know?"
Spencer blinks, and swallows, and squeezes Jon's wrist quickly. "I know, and you know, me too," he says.
Spencer turns to look at Brendon, who is watching both of them, eyes lingering on the bruise along Jon's jawline, and Spencer can feel the thickness that's settled over the room. Everything is heavy and awkward with things unsaid, and he swallows hard and looks at Brendon, pleading with his eyes until Brendon sticks his lip out and says, "Guys. Guys! Why doesn't anyone love me? I'm clearly the adorable one here."
Jon snorts and reaches across the table to ruffle Brendon's hair. "I don't know, Bren; Spencer's pretty adorable."
"No, Jon. No! Spencer was adorable, but he has a beard now. A beard!" Brendon says mournfully. "No one can be adorable with a beard."
"That's true," Spencer says, trying not to smile.
"I mean he could be sexy, or manly, or ruggedly handsome, but I clearly have cornered the market on adorable."
"Clearly," Jon says. "Well, in that case, you're right. It's downright scandalous that we don't love you."
"You are a cruel, cruel liar, Jon Walker. You love me best of all," Brendon says not even bothering to hide his delighted smile.
"I don't know," Jon says. "Spencer is pretty amazing, too." Jon looks at Spencer and smiles, and Spencer smiles back, and just like that they're both forgiven.
"Well, I could argue," Brendon says happily. "But I am not a cruel, cruel liar."
Jon laughs again and goes back to his crossword, and when Brendon beams at Spencer from across the table, Spencer mouths, "Thank you."
Haley graduates, and Spencer flies to Illinois and they sit down in her parents' living room. Haley thinks it's best to wait to tell them about the marriage, and since Spencer's not particularly looking forward to the dropping of that bomb, he agrees. Still, he's nervous. He's essentially whisking these people's daughter off to Sin City two weeks after she's graduated from high school and he really, really doesn't want her parents to hate him. He links his fingers tightly with Haley's even as he thinks, They can't stop us. She's eighteen now. We're married.
The don't try, anyway, and Haley's mother even gives Spencer a tentative hug.
Spencer has to go. He's supposed to be meeting the guys at their practice space in less than an hour. He's excited, ready to work and to have fun and keep building on the momentum they started with the first song.
But he can't stop kissing Haley, and every time she tries to shove him out the door, he turns around and kisses her again. "Go!" She finally says, laughing high and bright when he leans back in for one last kiss. "I'll be right here when you get back."
"Because you live here," Spencer says, smiling.
Haley rolls her eyes and nods. "Yes," she says.
"With me," Spencer says. "Because you looove me."
Haley giggles and smiles and says, "I question my sanity most days," but she leans in and kisses Spencer breathless anyway. "Now hurry up and go make music so you can come back to me."
Spencer gets in his car.
They continue to write music together everywhere; in Ryan's backyard, Spencer's kitchen, their old studio space where they first practiced with Jon, where he first became theirs. Spencer gets up every morning and kisses Haley goodbye, and he meets his best friends and they make music together and everything feels new and bright, except for how it all feels exactly the same. Spencer has never been happier in his life.
Brendon gets quiet after a particularly long day in their practice space, and if it was Ryan or even Jon, Spencer wouldn't notice, but it's Brendon and Brendon does quiet like cats do baths, which is to say not at all.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asks him for what feels like the millionth time.
Brendon slams his notebook closed and shakes his head before he says, "Nothing."
Spencer sighs and sits down on the couch next to him. "You ever going to show me what you're working on?"
Brendon swallows and shrugs and then passes the notebook over to Spencer. It feels like Brendon is sharing a secret with him and it feels intimate, different than when Ryan shares what he's working on. There are lyrics littered throughout the pages, tucked in between melodies and riffs, and Spencer flips the pages slowly, pays attention, because this is important. When he's done, he feels a little lonely; happy, but kind of unsettled. He thinks he must be feeling what Brendon's feeling.
"You should show these to Ryan," Spencer says when he passes the notebook back.
"Maybe it's... They're just silly little ditties," Brendon says, but it sounds like someone else's words, and Spencer is going to kill George Ryan Ross to death.
Spencer finds Ryan and Jon playing guitar together in Ryan's backyard. "Ryan, I'm here to kill you."
Ryan looks decidedly unconcerned, even smirks before he says, "Aren't you becoming our own little Conan."
"Did you tell Brendon his songs were crap?"
"What? No," Ryan says. "I liked them. I told him I liked them."
"You called them little ditties," Spencer says through gritted teeth.
Jon nods sagely and says, "You did, Ryan. You did call them that."
Ryan's eyes get wide and he tries to make them pool and plead like Brendon but he's really lousy at it. "But they are little ditties, Spence. They're not even full-fledged songs."
The thing about Ryan and Brendon is that they come at music from completely different places, and while Ryan loves what music can mean, Brendon loves how music makes him feel. They love each other, and they respect each other, but they don't necessarily get each other. Sometimes it makes Spencer's head hurt.
It doesn't help that Brendon has spent his entire life trying to make sure everyone loves and approves of him, while simultaneously insisting on doing exactly as he pleases. Sometimes, Spencer thinks Brendon must have more personalities than the worst case of DID on record. It's probably pretty exhausting, which totally explains all the Red Bull Brendon consumes.
Anyway.
Ryan is scarily intimidating, and Brendon loves Ryan, and Ryan can be the most clueless fuck that ever existed on the planet Earth. "Ryan," Spencer sighs. "Do you think you can maybe go fix Brendon now?"
"I don't even know what I did!" Ryan says incredulously.
"You insulted his songs, dude," Jon says, picking lazily at his guitar.
"I. Said. I. Liked. Them." Ryan's jaw is clenched so tight Spencer wouldn't be surprised if his teeth cracked.
Spencer taps his foot and says, "Little ditties, Ryan?"
"Fine! Okay, I'll talk to him," Ryan says petulantly. "I just have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him about his songs."
"He's ours," Jon says quietly.
Spencer loves Jon. Jon gets things, and that is totally why Spencer loves Jon and will never, ever punch Jon in the face again. "I will never, ever, punch you in the face again," Spencer says earnestly before he turns his attention to Ryan and says, "They're his, and he's ours, Ryan. He's ours."
Ryan swallows hard and gets up to call Brendon.
They finish writing the album, and it ends up being incredible, different, beautiful in all the ways that they are incredible, and different, and beautiful. Spencer can hear them all in the music, and it's so different from the first album. It's more. It's better, and Spencer thinks it'll be nice if the fans like it, too, but really? It doesn't matter if they don't.
They go to Abbey Road to add the finishing touches, and then the promotional blitz starts up and Spencer finds his days are full of answering endless questions that are always the same. He lets Ryan and Jon field most of the musical ones, lets them field most of the questions period, and only says something when he has something to say, which isn't often.
Spencer is annoyed by journalists. He hates having to do this, having to explain these things when they could just play the record and find everything they're looking for anyway; from the missing punctuation, to where they are now, and where they want to go tomorrow. It's all right there in Ryan and Brendon's words, in Jon's melodies, in Spencer's beat. They don't listen, not even when Ryan answers the same question for the hundredth time. Jon gives him a reassuring look that says, I'll answer it tomorrow.
He texts Haley constantly, comes home when he can, even if it would be easier to stay wherever he is. Spencer forgot what it was like to be away from her for long stretches of time. They've had a year to get used to being with each other constantly, and now they're without the cushion of newness, and lust, and the plain, crazy love they had during the last tour. It's hard. Haley doesn't complain, but Spencer can tell she maybe wants to.
"Missed you, missed you," Spencer says when he gets home from Europe. There are more interviews, concerts, then Honda Civic Tour will start and Spencer will be gone again until June, but today, tonight, for a little while, he's here and Haley doesn't waste time saying useless things like I wish. She just takes him to bed.
She comes to New York when they play SNL, and Spencer gets the nicest hotel room available, has champagne and food waiting for them, and they eat by candle light and make love a little drunk on champagne. Spencer thinks this is good, great even. Everything will be fine.
Something happens with Brendon, and he becomes diminished, less, unless he's drunk or on stage. Spencer hasn't quite figured out what to do about it when Jon comes to him.
"Brendon," he says, and Spencer says, "I know. Yeah."
They sit quietly for a while, and then Jon holds up his fist and puts it against his palm. They play best two out of three, and Spencer wins. Jon sighs and goes to find Brendon.
Brendon starts smiling more with his mouth, but it still doesn't reach his eyes. Jon is distant and sometimes downright frigid in interviews, and he can see Brendon take it in, can see the scars as clearly as if Jon was cutting him with glass instead of indifference.
When Spencer mentions it to Ryan, he shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know what Spencer is talking about. Spencer sighs, disgusted, because Ryan never sees anything when he's in love and right now, he's in love with Jon. Jon helped Ryan make music, make it mean something, and Spencer knows the rose-colored glasses won't be coming off anytime soon.
Spencer goes to the source. "Stop being a dick," he says.
Jon raises his eyebrow, but he makes room in the chair he's sitting in and Spencer sits down half on Jon's lap and half in the small space Jon's made for him. "Okay," Jon says into Spencer's neck and Spencer turns his face and snaps his teeth right by Jon's nose. Jon huffs a laugh and nuzzles more just to be annoying.
"You're hurting his feelings," Spencer says and Jon stops playing around, settling against the cushions of their chair.
"He's being an idiot," Jon says sensibly.
"Maybe," Spencer says. "But he's not hurting your feelings."
"Yeah, okay. I'm an asshole," Jon says.
Things get better after that, a little, and Brendon smiles more with his eyes, but he saves most of them for Spencer.
Spencer smiles back.
Part Two