Fic -That's No Way to Say Goodbye (Brendon/Spencer)
That's No Way to Say Goodbye // NC-17 // Brendon/Spencer // 13,000 words
This is a continuation of the fic I wrote for bandombigbang. This will probably make more sense if you read that one first. It can be found here if you are interested.
Thanks to lissa_bear and stephanometra for betaing. Rachel, you were, as always, a huge help. Thanks for listening to me whine and for offering ideas when I ran out. <3
Summary: "Everything is changing," Brendon says softly.
Spencer's cell phone wakes him up, and he reaches for it, bleary-eyed and still half-asleep. The backlight on the LCD hurts his eyes a little, but he still manages to smile when he sees Ryan's name on the screen.
Spencer grunts into the phone.
"It's happening," Ryan says.
Spencer says, "We're on our way."
It ends up taking half an hour to get to the hospital. Brendon is cranky when his sleep gets interrupted, and Spencer ends up having to practically dress him.
The hospital is freezing, making Spencer's glad he grabbed a hoodie. He's only sorry he didn't think to grab two, because he's going to be cold later when Brendon is finally awake enough to steal it from him. Spencer wishes he had built up a better tolerance to Brendon's bottom lip, but at least for now, he's warm.
"Is Jon coming?" Brendon asks sleepily. He lays his head on Spencer's shoulder and closes his eyes.
"I don't know," Spencer says.
He assumes Ryan's called him. He assumes Jon and Cassie are both en route to the airport right now, Jon a little slow from being roused out of bed in the middle of the night. He can imagine Cassie suggesting he go grab a cup of coffee from the Starbucks kiosk on their way through the airport, and he knows Jon will grab Cassie a vanilla latte too, just because.
"I'm sure he's on his way," Spencer says, and his breath makes Brendon's hair move a little bit. Brendon nods, but he doesn't open his eyes.
It takes four more hours, and Jon and Cassie still haven't shown up, but Spencer talked to Jon on the phone an hour ago and they're on their way. They should be here any minute.
Ryan looks tired when he comes out into the hallway, but he smiles when he sees Spencer and Brendon.
"We have a daughter," Ryan says, and he looks scared, a little awestruck. Spencer's face hurts from smiling, and he's afraid he might snap Ryan in half when he hugs him, but he can't help squeezing him hard.
"Congratulations," Brendon says as he moves in for his own hug and Spencer asks, "How's Keltie?"
"She's fine. She's amazing. She's like..." Ryan runs his long fingers through his hair and shakes his head. "I don't know, man. There's no way in hell I could do that. I could barely even watch it."
Brendon nods, and Spencer gives Ryan's back a friendly pat. "When can we see them?" Spencer asks.
"Umm... Keltie's arguing with a nurse about whether or not they're going to let her shower, but I think we can see the baby soon," Ryan says.
"What's her name?" Brendon asks.
Ryan bites on his bottom lip to try and curb what is probably the biggest smile Spencer has ever seen. "I want to name her Echo and Keltie wants to name her Jude, so we haven't decided yet," Ryan says.
Spencer and Brendon look at each other. Brendon smiles, and pats Ryan on the back and says, "So Jude Colleen-Ross, huh?"
Ryan sighs and says, "Yeah," defeated, but happy.
They're all at Ryan's condo, the whole family, and some of Keltie's too. Jon is currently cooing at baby Jude in one of Ryan's ridiculous antique chairs. Spencer can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that Ryan is a father. In Spencer's head neither of them has aged much past sixteen.
"This is a cute kid," Jon says to no one in particular.
Keltie looks over and arches an eye brow. "Did you doubt she would be? Look at her fucking adorable parents," she says.
Spencer laughs, and Brendon says, "I guess we have to start watching our language now, huh?"
Keltie smiles at him fondly and says, "We have some time before she'll start parroting things back at us. We can start one of those cursing jars and give Jude the money to pay for college."
"She'll be fucking rich," Spencer says.
Keltie holds out her hand and says, "Oh, Uncle Spencer's donating the first buck."
Spencer laughs and pulls out his wallet.
Later, after everyone's gone to bed, the four of them go out in the backyard and sit around in lawn chairs. Ryan lights up a joint with Jon, and Spencer wonders how he's even still fertile after all these years. He doesn't say anything, though, just passes the joint to Brendon without taking a hit when it comes his way. Brendon looks at it for a second, and then shrugs his shoulders and takes a drag.
"So I was thinking maybe we could take a break," Ryan says as he exhales. He's not looking at any of them. His head is tilted up, and he's squinting at the moon a little.
Spencer's been waiting for this. Jon and Cassie have been talking marriage for more than a year now, and Cassie has a teaching job in Chicago that limits how often she can come out on the road with them. Keltie's job had given her a little bit more leeway, but Spencer knew things would change when she found out she was pregnant. He's actually surprised they haven't had this conversation sooner.
"What kind of a break?" Spencer asks. He keeps it light, because as much as it scares him to think about breaks and break-ups, this isn't entirely his decision. Plus, he knows he's lucky. He knows that every time they pack up to spend a few months on the road, the person he wants to be with most in the world is coming with him.
Brendon twines their fingers together like he knows exactly what Spencer is thinking, and Spencer squeezes a little until Brendon smiles at him. His stomach smooths out then, and his nervousness leaves him. No matter what happens next, he knows deep down that he'll never really lose any of them.
"I still want to make music," Ryan says. "But, Keltie wants to get her dance studio up and running, and she's already taken half a year off to have the baby. She needs to get back in there, and I don't want Jude to be with strangers. I certainly don't want her traveling around with us on a crappy bus from city to city."
Jon nods. "I could use a break," he says and there's something in his voice that worries Spencer.
"Everything okay over there, Jon Walker?" Spencer asks.
Jon shrugs and takes a final drag off the roach they're still passing around. "Cassie and I have been talking about marriage and kids, or well, Cassie has tabled the marriage and kids conversation indefinitely due to my 'unstable' lifestyle. So, a break would be good. I think a break would help a lot."
Spencer doesn't know what to say, but Jon looks sad and that's something he's never been able to stand, so he gets up and stands behind Jon to rub his shoulders for a bit. "I'm up for whatever. If you two need a break, we take a break."
Brendon stays unusually quiet, his hands clasped together and his eyes trained on the ground.
"Brendon?" Ryan asks, his voice laced with concern. "Share some of those thoughts with the rest of the class."
Brendon looks up then and gives Ryan a small smile. "Everything is changing," Brendon says softly.
Ryan nods and says, "Things do," and then he smiles at Brendon and Spencer, his eyes flicking between them.
Brendon says, "I've been thinking about doing some solo stuff." It hangs between them like a bubble floating in the air for a moment, before Jon coughs a little and the moment is gone.
Spencer knows that every idea that Brendon has is always immediately followed by a bout of self-doubt so profound that most of the time, he won't even mention what's going on inside his head until one of the three of them pulls it out. Spencer's gotten good at being as aware of Brendon's ever changing moods as he is of his own.
Brendon says, "I mean, not without talking to you guys about it first, but if we're not going to be making music together for a while, I'll have some time, and I ..."
"It'll be amazing," Jon says, interrupting Brendon's word vomit.
Brendon ducks his head and runs his fingers through his hair nervously. "So, you guys wouldn't mind?"
Ryan says, "You don't need our permission, Bren."
Brendon looks up at that, and something Spencer can't decipher passes between them. It's a little unsettling that Spencer can't understand it when he knows the both of them better than he knows anyone.
"No," Brendon says. "I don't, but I wouldn't mind having your support."
Ryan smiles and says, "You always have that. No matter what."
Spencer really likes his life, but he knows the transition from tour break to indefinite break isn't going to be easy. He and Brendon have a routine that mostly consists of touring, with a week here -- or if they're lucky -- an entire month there of being home and watching television and catching up with family. It's their down time, their time to be away from each other after being stuck on a bus with one another for months at a time. Brendon will often go spend days and days at his brothers' or sisters' houses, playing with his nieces and nephews and getting the full report on the Urie family happenings while he was away.
Spencer lets his mom do his laundry. He paints the guest bathroom a pale blue. He plays the drums in his and Brendon's music room until his eardrums are ringing. If he gets lonely, he calls Brendon and tells him to come home.
"I made breakfast," Brendon says on a Sunday. Spencer knows it's Sunday because the paper on the table is unusually large.
Spencer blinks, because there are pancakes and syrup and butter on the table, too, and it's weird because it's Sunday. That means Brendon shouldn't be here. "Aren't you supposed to be with your family?" Spencer asks.
"I want to work on music today," Brendon says. He smiles and kicks Spencer's chair away from the table with his foot. "Anyway, I am with my family," Brendon continues. "Sit and eat. I didn't burn them this time." Brendon holds his hands above his head in triumph, and Spencer suddenly really wants to kiss him.
"I have to do something first," Spencer says, crossing over to Brendon. Brendon's eyes light up, and he tips his head back in anticipation. Brendon's mouth is warm and sleepy. His cheeks and chin are rough with stubble, and Spencer figures it's been at least three days since Brendon last shaved.
He slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and tugs on the ends a little, until Spencer groans and deepens the kiss. When he pulls his mouth away Brendon says, "Hi," and then he smiles, wicked and beautiful, and dips his finger into a puddle of syrup on the plate in front of him.
Brendon brushes his finger across Spencer's bottom lip, and Spencer's tongue slides out and follows the line of Brendon's finger. Brendon closes his eyes and kisses Spencer hard on the mouth, licking the syrup his finger left behind.
Spencer pulls away, only to slide to his knees between Brendon's spread legs. Brendon looks down at him, his cheeks flushed and his eyes hooded and dark. Spencer hooks his fingers into the waist of Brendon's jeans and waits for Brendon to lift his hips off the chair. He slides Brendon's pants down and off, licks the head of Brendon's cock, and then kisses his thigh.
Brendon breathes hard through his nose, slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and says, "I guess breakfast can wait."
Spencer smiles against Brendon's thigh and takes Brendon's cock into his mouth, sucking until Brendon calls out his name.
Brendon disappears after breakfast, holes up in their music room, and Spencer doesn't see him for days. He doesn't like it, really, but Spencer gives him a wide berth anyway, figuring that if Brendon wants his help, he'll ask for it.
Haley calls on the fourth day of Brendon's seclusion. "I'm graduating next week," she says.
Spencer smiles and stretches out on his and Brendon's bed. "I heard rumor of something like that," Spencer says.
Haley says, "You should come out and see me. We can drive down to Santa Cruz and lust after beach houses."
Haley's been in California for four years, and Spencer suddenly feels old. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was sitting on a bus getting to know her through text messages and long-distance phone calls. Spencer realizes he's almost a quarter of a century old, and if the band doesn't get back together, he's not sure what he's going to do with the rest of his life.
"That sounds like fun, actually," Spencer says.
"Graduation is Saturday. You should come, bring Brendon too," she says.
Spencer listens for bitterness or insincerity, but it isn't there. It hasn't been there for a long time, and Spencer's still grateful the the two of them were able to salvage their friendship out of the rubble of their failed romance.
"I'll come out," Spencer says. "Brendon's working, but I'll ask him."
He and Haley talk for another half hour about absolutely nothing, and when Spencer finally hangs up, he wishes he'd come up with more to say. He has absolutely no idea what he's going to do with the rest of his day.
California is beautiful, and Haley looks beautiful in it. They're on the beach, both their pants rolled up around their calves. "Do you think you'll stay here?" Spencer asks.
Haley shakes her head and tucks her hair behind her ear. "I would love to, but it's too expensive," she says.
Spencer nods. "Someday I'm going to move here and buy a house on the beach. You can be my roommate," Spencer says.
Haley's quiet, her head resting on her knees. When Spencer glances over she's staring at him openly. "You have a roommate," she says softly.
Spencer's eyes widen a little and he stammers, "No... I didn't mean..." Spencer sighs and starts again. "I was just talking. It's one of those fantasies that won't ever really happen."
Haley blinks and says, "Why not?"
Spencer doesn't know if he should be saying this to her, but apparently his mouth moves faster than his brain. "Brendon," he says. "He wouldn't leave Vegas."
Spencer thinks about that as he and Haley fall silent again, both of them looking out at the waves rolling in. Spencer loves Vegas, but he's always liked the road better. There isn't anything holding him there the way it holds Brendon, or even Ryan. Spencer figures it has something to do with his parents, his family; he doesn't feel like he has unfinished business there.
Haley falls backward, stretching her arms out over her head and digging her toes into the sand. Spencer lies down too, turning until he's propped up on his elbow facing her. She's got her eyes closed, and Spencer doesn't know how much time passes. The waves are soothing, and Haley's eyes move rapidly beneath her eyelids, her breathing coming steady and even, so that Spencer thinks she must have fallen asleep.
"You could ask him," she says, so suddenly that Spencer startles. She doesn't open her eyes.
Spencer swallows and swallows, his throat suddenly dry and tight, until he finally says, "What if he says no?"
Haley opens her eyes then, soft brown, her pupils pinpricks against the sun. "Then I guess you'd have to stay in Vegas," she says. She looks sad, torn, like she's biting her tongue to keep from saying more.
Spencer looks out at the water, the blue sky that stretches on and on into forever, and he doesn't feel free.
It's late on Sunday when Spencer gets home. Brendon's car isn't in the driveway, but the porch light is on. It's not out of the ordinary, anyway; Sunday is Urie family fun day, and Brendon adores spending time with his nieces and nephews.
Spencer dumps his bag in the hallway and contemplates unpacking it until he decides to go to his parents' tomorrow and do laundry there. His mom likes him to come. She'll make him lunch and prod him into helping her haul mulch and dirt for her gardens. In return he can usually guilt her into washing all his clothes for him.
There's a new case of Corona in the fridge, and Spencer helps himself to one, goes into the living room and turns on the TV. He goes through the menu selection twice, doesn't feel like late-night talk shows or procedural cop dramas, so he finishes his beer and heads up to his room.
It's not really late enough for bed, but Spencer stretches out anyway, all of his clothes still on, his feet still in his shoes hanging off the end of the bed. He's not going to sleep yet, but he closes his eyes for a little bit anyway.
Spencer wakes up to the feel of his shoes being taken off his feet. There's no light in the room, but he can feel a hand wrapped loosely around his ankle as Brendon slides the shoe off his left foot.
"Hey," Spencer says, his voice scratchy from sleep. "What time is it?"
"Not too late," Brendon says softly. "A little after eleven, I think."
Spencer nods even though Brendon probably can't see him. "I guess I fell asleep," Spencer says, more to himself than to Brendon. He hadn't really felt that tired. It was more bored, restless, and now he's lost two hours when he could have been doing something productive.
Brendon crawls onto the bed, slides an arm across Spencer's chest, and leans in for a kiss. Spencer kisses him back, warm and slow and lazy-mouthed. He can feel heat building in his gut, down low where it settles and burns brighter with every languid stroke of Brendon's tongue.
Brendon's fingers find the hem of Spencer's shirt in the dark, sliding under to touch Spencer's stomach. His muscles clench and move under his skin involuntarily. Brendon touches lightly, just shy of tickling, and Spencer shivers when his hand moves up and he scratches across Spencer's nipple.
"Too many clothes," Spencer says against Brendon's mouth. Brendon moves then, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to strip off his shirt and start on his jeans. Spencer follows his lead, lifting his hips to shove his pants off into a heap at the end of the bed. Once they're off, he goes for his shirt, but Brendon's suddenly there, pulling on Spencer's shirt, and together they somehow manage to get it off without getting too tangled up in it.
Brendon pushes him back down, and they roll a little until Brendon is sprawled on top, warm and naked. He presses hot, open-mouthed kisses along Spencer's neck. It feels good, but Spencer's skin itches, feels dry and stretched, and Spencer wants to move, to be in charge of making something happen.
He grabs Brendon by the hip and the shoulder and pulls him up until their mouths come together again, and there's nothing lazy about this kiss. Spencer kisses Brendon so hard he thinks their lips might bruise from the force, and Brendon is right there with him, pressing back, biting sharp and needy into Spencer's lower lip.
Spencer rolls them until Brendon is underneath him: small, but sturdy and strong and willing to take Spencer's weight pushing him down into the mattress. Spencer sucks lightly on the underside of Brendon's neck, not enough to mark him for long, but enough to make Spencer feel substantial, connected.
Brendon moans and thrusts his hips up. It makes their cocks slide together, and Spencer grunts, sinks his teeth into the side of Brendon's neck.
Brendon says, "Spencer," and slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and tugs until their mouths come back together, needy and messy. "Missed you, missed you," Brendon mumbles between kisses.
Spencer kisses Brendon harder before he rolls off to dig the lube out of the bedside drawer. Spencer still feels unsettled, like something is trying to claw its way out of him. His hands are shaking when he finally gets the cap open and squeezes the bottle on his fingers. He wants to be inside Brendon right now, and he doesn't waste any time. He goes in fast with his index finger, sinks it in past the second knuckle, and crooks it upward until Brendon moans and bows his spine up off the bed.
Brendon's mouth is open -- short labored breaths pushing out past his lips -- interspersed with these beautiful little whimpers that send a bolt of lust right to Spencer's gut. Spencer's entire body feels fevered and his finger isn't enough. He knows the second one won't be enough, even as he pushes it in along side the first.
Brendon's tight -- always tight -- but he likes the burn and stretch, too. Spencer scissors his fingers as best he can, even as Brendon's fingers dig hard into his shoulders.
"Spencer," Brendon says desperately, and Spencer feels his cock get impossibly harder, his mind stuck like a broken record on now, now, now.
"Okay, okay," Spencer says.
Brendon's bucking up underneath him, his feet on the bed by Spencer's knees. Spencer pulls his fingers free and uses both his hands hooked under Brendon's knees to fold him practically in half. The head of Spencer's cock slides along the crease of Brendon's ass, and Brendon moans again, says, "Please, Spencer. Oh, please."
Spencer's almost blind with how much he wants to be inside Brendon. His lust is riding so close to anger that he can't think beyond the need to have Brendon, to be everywhere at once. He pushes hard on Brendon's knees and Brendon lets him hook one leg over Spencer's shoulder, the other he hooks around Spencer's side so that his foot is resting in the small of Spencer's back.
Spencer uses his free hand to guide his cock, and he pushes in, one hard thrust, until he's as close as he can be.
They're both sweating. Spencer wishes Brendon had turned on the bedside lamp so that Spencer could see him properly. It doesn't really matter, because Spencer knows what he looks like, but it never gets old; it's never something Spencer thinks he could get tired of seeing, Brendon spread out and strung out and clinging tight to Spencer's shoulders.
"I love you," Brendon says as Spencer works his hips in slow, short thrusts.
Spencer's heart trips fast in his chest, and he kisses along Brendon's jaw in answer, fucks his tongue into Brendon's mouth until Brendon is kissing him back, and still it's not enough. Spencer uses both his hands to hold Brendon to the bed, even though Brendon's not trying to go anywhere.
"It's not enough," Spencer pants against Brendon's lips, and Brendon stiffens beneath him suddenly. It takes Spencer's fizzled brain a moment to realize what he just said, and no, no. It pisses him off that Brendon can even think that after all these years. "No, Brendon" Spencer says, and he puts Brendon's arms above his head and pins him there, his hips going faster, his cock fucking Brendon just the way Brendon likes it. "I can't get close enough," Spencer whines, kissing Brendon's mouth again.
Brendon must get it then, because his entire body relaxes. It's almost like he's handing himself over to Spencer, and Spencer takes him, because he can, because Brendon is his. They both get a sloppy rhythm going, their mouths clinging together and Spencer's hands wrapped around Brendon's wrists, Brendon's entire body pinned to the bed by Spencer's weight. There isn't much room to move like this, but they make do.
Spencer comes first, rides out his orgasm with erratic thrusts, and feels Brendon come between them just a few seconds before Spencer collapses on top of him.
He knows he must be heavy, but Brendon doesn't move, both of them coming down together until Brendon turns one of his wrists, which are still clasped in Spencer's hand. Spencer lets him go, and Brendon runs lazy fingers through Spencer's hair. "I'm glad you're home," Brendon says, his words slurred with sleep.
"Me too," Spencer says, punctuating his words by kissing Brendon's skin right above where Spencer can still feel Brendon's heart beating rapidly. Spencer doesn't want to move, and Brendon doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get rid of him, so Spencer settles in and lets sleep pull him under.
Spencer's still sprawled out on top of Brendon when he wakes up in the morning. Brendon's already awake, his fingers tangled in Spencer's hair. "Hi," Spencer says.
Brendon smiles and kisses Spencer's forehead. "You're squashing me," Brendon says. "I'm suffocating right before your very eyes." Brendon widens his eyes in appeal and Spencer laughs and rolls them a little so that they're both lying on their sides facing each other.
Brendon tucks his face against Spencer's neck, and Spencer says, "What are you doing today? I was thinking we could just fuck around, stay in bed, maybe go see a movie later this afternoon."
Brendon pulls back and wrinkles his nose. "I wanted to work on some things today. Can I have a rain check?" Brendon asks.
Spencer feels disappointment curl in his gut, followed quickly by a rush of irritation. "You took yesterday off to see your family," Spencer says, and then closes his eyes, disgusted with how pathetic he sounds.
Brendon says, "Umm, okay. How about I knock off around four and we can go see a movie and maybe grab some dinner?"
Now Spencer's annoyed with the both of them, his disappointment turning to anger so quickly he can barely get a handle on it. Spencer rolls to the side of the bed and stands up, yanking on his jeans. "Forget it," he says pulling on a shirt that's been tossed on the floor. It doesn't smell very good, but Spencer doesn't really care at this point. "Don't do me any fucking favors."
Brendon sits up, eyes worried, and bites his bottom lip. "I... Okay, no. We can spend the day together. Just let me get dressed."
Spencer's never actually wanted to hit any of his band members before. Even after Brendon broke his heart a million years ago and he felt angry pretty much all the time, he never wanted to actually hurt him. It's kind of scary, and Spencer really wants to just get the fuck away and cool off before he says or does something unforgivable. Brendon hasn't even really done anything to warrant this kind of reaction, and Spencer knows it.
"I'm going to Ryan's," Spencer says. "Do what you want." He can hear Brendon scrambling to get dressed, calling his name, but all he can think about is getting out and getting away. He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter and heads out the door.
His cell phone starts ringing before he's even off his street. He turns the phone off and throws it in the passenger seat. Spencer flexes his hands on his steering wheel and wars with himself about turning around. They don't fight often, and the angry part of Spencer's brain tells him it's because he usually just lets Brendon have his way. He steps on the gas and determinably does not think about going back again.
He just lets himself into Ryan's house, because they passed the point of needing permission from each other years and years ago. Ryan's on the phone in the living room, Jude sleeping in a car seat at his feet. "He just walked in," Ryan says. "Yeah. One of us will call."
Ryan hangs up and stares at Spencer. He cocks his head to the side and says, "Brendon," as he sets his cell phone on the table.
Spencer nods and sits down next to Ryan. "Sometimes I really hate him," Spencer says.
Ryan leans over and rests his head on Spencer's shoulder. "Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could make that true whenever we wanted?"
Spencer closes his eyes and says, "Fuck it. Entertain me or something."
They watch Goonies and Lost Boys and are half way through Labyrinth when Keltie gets home. The two of them share a look that makes Spencer smile, silent communication that has Keltie smiling brightly and saying, "Give me that baby," as she plucks Jude out of Ryan's lap.
Ryan drags him outside and they smoke a joint together and watch the sunset. "Time to talk to me, Spencer Smith," Ryan says blowing out the smoke he's been holding in his chest.
Spencer wipes his hand across his face and takes the joint from Ryan. Spencer takes a hit, sighs out the smoke and says, "Sometimes I really hate the way he makes me feel."
Ryan nods just as the sliding glass door opens and Keltie comes out with two beers. "Don't say I never do anything for you," she says setting the beers on the table between them and leaning over to kiss Ryan on the mouth. She turns and kisses Spencer's cheek on her way back inside.
"What, no dinner?" Ryan calls after her, and Spencer turns in time to see her flip him off.
Spencer laughs and says, "You're a lucky bastard, Ryan."
"It's true," Ryan says opening both beers and handing one over to Spencer. "Now, we have beer and weed and fresh air. Share with me, my friend. How does he make you feel?"
Spencer stalls, scratches the back of his neck, and wonders why this feels like a betrayal. It's not like he hasn't talked with Ryan about Brendon before. "It's... He doesn't want to spend time with me, and then when I think that, I feel like some pathetic whiner, and that makes me kind of want to punch the both of us in the face."
Ryan says, "So, what have you been up to for the last month?"
"Huh?" Spencer says.
"Well, Jon's off doing whatever Jons do in Chicago, and Brendon's working on solo stuff. I'm writing music and changing diapers and hoping I'm not screwing my kid up as badly as my parents screwed me up. What are you doing, Spence?"
Spencer thinks about his blue bathroom. He thinks about his drum kit, trapped in their music room with Brendon. He hasn't touched it in weeks. He thinks about Haley and miles of sand and ocean and sky. "I want to buy a house in Santa Cruz," Spencer says.
Ryan blinks and says, "You've been talking about that for years. If you still want it, you should do it."
Spencer does want it. He remembers the first time he ever saw it. He was seven and his entire family went to San Francisco on vacation. Spencer stepped into the sand and it was like coming home after being away for too long, warm and familiar and beautiful in that comforting way home is.
When he got back to Vegas, he went and got Ryan, and they looked it up together on the atlas Spencer's dad kept in his office. Spencer had asked Ryan to go with him then, back before he understood how friendships change. It just never occurred to him at seven that Ryan wouldn't always go wherever Spencer went.
"I want Brendon to go with me," Spencer says.
Ryan says, "Did he say he wouldn't?"
Spencer isn't a pessimist, but he doesn't always see the silver lining to things either. Sometimes there isn't always good to overshadow the bad. Sometimes shit is just the way it is, and Spencer has learned to just take what he can get. Brendon's been a really good teacher. "I haven't asked him," Spencer says.
"So ask him," Ryan says.
Spencer nods and says, "And when he says no?"
Ryan looks over angrily then and slaps his beer onto the table with a loud thunk. "Then fucking go without him," Ryan snaps.
Spencer says, "Ryan, I--" before Ryan stands up and cuts him off.
"I need you to listen to me now, and don't interrupt because sometimes I actually know what I'm talking about," Ryan says.
Spencer says, "Sure, okay."
"I spent the first twenty years of my life being really miserable," Ryan says. "I don't think I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to be happy. After my father died... It took me some time, but I realized all those years I spent blaming him for all the shitty things in my life didn't do me any damn good."
Ryan sounds sad and regretful, and Spencer really wants to get up and give him a hug. When he goes to get out of his chair, Ryan snaps, "Sit. I'm not done yet."
Spencer sits but he says, "You don't have to do this, Ryan."
"I realized," Ryan continues, ignoring Spencer's words, "that I wasted a lot of time I could have been living. I wasted time I could have used to fix things with my father. After I buried him, I swore I wasn't going to waste any more time ever again. That the next time I saw something I wanted, I was going to get it, win it, take it. I promised myself I was going to be happy."
Spencer smiles and says, "And then you met Keltie."
Ryan smiles too and says, "Yeah, and she makes things better, but in the end, I had to be happy with me first."
Spencer says, "I've wanted him for so long, I forgot I ever wanted anything else. I honestly can't remember the last time I did something that wasn't to make somebody else happy."
Ryan winces and says, "Spencer," and his face is paler than Spencer's ever seen it.
"What?" Spencer asks.
Ryan shrugs and says, "Sometimes I feel like I dragged you into this when it wasn't really what you wanted."
Spencer thinks about that. He can't imagine what else he would have done if he hadn't drummed for the band, but even at seventeen he knew it wasn't the same for him as it was for Ryan. "I didn't want anything more than I wanted to be with you and Brendon," Spencer says truthfully.
"What do you want now?" Ryan asks.
Spencer says, "I want to move to Santa Cruz. I want to buy my dream house, and lounge on the beach and figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to ask Brendon to go with me."
"You should do that," Ryan says.
Spencer does stand up then, and when he wraps his arms around Ryan, Ryan hugs him back. "I think I will," Spencer says.
Ryan says, "Good."
Part Two
This is a continuation of the fic I wrote for bandombigbang. This will probably make more sense if you read that one first. It can be found here if you are interested.
Thanks to lissa_bear and stephanometra for betaing. Rachel, you were, as always, a huge help. Thanks for listening to me whine and for offering ideas when I ran out. <3
Summary: "Everything is changing," Brendon says softly.
Spencer's cell phone wakes him up, and he reaches for it, bleary-eyed and still half-asleep. The backlight on the LCD hurts his eyes a little, but he still manages to smile when he sees Ryan's name on the screen.
Spencer grunts into the phone.
"It's happening," Ryan says.
Spencer says, "We're on our way."
It ends up taking half an hour to get to the hospital. Brendon is cranky when his sleep gets interrupted, and Spencer ends up having to practically dress him.
The hospital is freezing, making Spencer's glad he grabbed a hoodie. He's only sorry he didn't think to grab two, because he's going to be cold later when Brendon is finally awake enough to steal it from him. Spencer wishes he had built up a better tolerance to Brendon's bottom lip, but at least for now, he's warm.
"Is Jon coming?" Brendon asks sleepily. He lays his head on Spencer's shoulder and closes his eyes.
"I don't know," Spencer says.
He assumes Ryan's called him. He assumes Jon and Cassie are both en route to the airport right now, Jon a little slow from being roused out of bed in the middle of the night. He can imagine Cassie suggesting he go grab a cup of coffee from the Starbucks kiosk on their way through the airport, and he knows Jon will grab Cassie a vanilla latte too, just because.
"I'm sure he's on his way," Spencer says, and his breath makes Brendon's hair move a little bit. Brendon nods, but he doesn't open his eyes.
It takes four more hours, and Jon and Cassie still haven't shown up, but Spencer talked to Jon on the phone an hour ago and they're on their way. They should be here any minute.
Ryan looks tired when he comes out into the hallway, but he smiles when he sees Spencer and Brendon.
"We have a daughter," Ryan says, and he looks scared, a little awestruck. Spencer's face hurts from smiling, and he's afraid he might snap Ryan in half when he hugs him, but he can't help squeezing him hard.
"Congratulations," Brendon says as he moves in for his own hug and Spencer asks, "How's Keltie?"
"She's fine. She's amazing. She's like..." Ryan runs his long fingers through his hair and shakes his head. "I don't know, man. There's no way in hell I could do that. I could barely even watch it."
Brendon nods, and Spencer gives Ryan's back a friendly pat. "When can we see them?" Spencer asks.
"Umm... Keltie's arguing with a nurse about whether or not they're going to let her shower, but I think we can see the baby soon," Ryan says.
"What's her name?" Brendon asks.
Ryan bites on his bottom lip to try and curb what is probably the biggest smile Spencer has ever seen. "I want to name her Echo and Keltie wants to name her Jude, so we haven't decided yet," Ryan says.
Spencer and Brendon look at each other. Brendon smiles, and pats Ryan on the back and says, "So Jude Colleen-Ross, huh?"
Ryan sighs and says, "Yeah," defeated, but happy.
They're all at Ryan's condo, the whole family, and some of Keltie's too. Jon is currently cooing at baby Jude in one of Ryan's ridiculous antique chairs. Spencer can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that Ryan is a father. In Spencer's head neither of them has aged much past sixteen.
"This is a cute kid," Jon says to no one in particular.
Keltie looks over and arches an eye brow. "Did you doubt she would be? Look at her fucking adorable parents," she says.
Spencer laughs, and Brendon says, "I guess we have to start watching our language now, huh?"
Keltie smiles at him fondly and says, "We have some time before she'll start parroting things back at us. We can start one of those cursing jars and give Jude the money to pay for college."
"She'll be fucking rich," Spencer says.
Keltie holds out her hand and says, "Oh, Uncle Spencer's donating the first buck."
Spencer laughs and pulls out his wallet.
Later, after everyone's gone to bed, the four of them go out in the backyard and sit around in lawn chairs. Ryan lights up a joint with Jon, and Spencer wonders how he's even still fertile after all these years. He doesn't say anything, though, just passes the joint to Brendon without taking a hit when it comes his way. Brendon looks at it for a second, and then shrugs his shoulders and takes a drag.
"So I was thinking maybe we could take a break," Ryan says as he exhales. He's not looking at any of them. His head is tilted up, and he's squinting at the moon a little.
Spencer's been waiting for this. Jon and Cassie have been talking marriage for more than a year now, and Cassie has a teaching job in Chicago that limits how often she can come out on the road with them. Keltie's job had given her a little bit more leeway, but Spencer knew things would change when she found out she was pregnant. He's actually surprised they haven't had this conversation sooner.
"What kind of a break?" Spencer asks. He keeps it light, because as much as it scares him to think about breaks and break-ups, this isn't entirely his decision. Plus, he knows he's lucky. He knows that every time they pack up to spend a few months on the road, the person he wants to be with most in the world is coming with him.
Brendon twines their fingers together like he knows exactly what Spencer is thinking, and Spencer squeezes a little until Brendon smiles at him. His stomach smooths out then, and his nervousness leaves him. No matter what happens next, he knows deep down that he'll never really lose any of them.
"I still want to make music," Ryan says. "But, Keltie wants to get her dance studio up and running, and she's already taken half a year off to have the baby. She needs to get back in there, and I don't want Jude to be with strangers. I certainly don't want her traveling around with us on a crappy bus from city to city."
Jon nods. "I could use a break," he says and there's something in his voice that worries Spencer.
"Everything okay over there, Jon Walker?" Spencer asks.
Jon shrugs and takes a final drag off the roach they're still passing around. "Cassie and I have been talking about marriage and kids, or well, Cassie has tabled the marriage and kids conversation indefinitely due to my 'unstable' lifestyle. So, a break would be good. I think a break would help a lot."
Spencer doesn't know what to say, but Jon looks sad and that's something he's never been able to stand, so he gets up and stands behind Jon to rub his shoulders for a bit. "I'm up for whatever. If you two need a break, we take a break."
Brendon stays unusually quiet, his hands clasped together and his eyes trained on the ground.
"Brendon?" Ryan asks, his voice laced with concern. "Share some of those thoughts with the rest of the class."
Brendon looks up then and gives Ryan a small smile. "Everything is changing," Brendon says softly.
Ryan nods and says, "Things do," and then he smiles at Brendon and Spencer, his eyes flicking between them.
Brendon says, "I've been thinking about doing some solo stuff." It hangs between them like a bubble floating in the air for a moment, before Jon coughs a little and the moment is gone.
Spencer knows that every idea that Brendon has is always immediately followed by a bout of self-doubt so profound that most of the time, he won't even mention what's going on inside his head until one of the three of them pulls it out. Spencer's gotten good at being as aware of Brendon's ever changing moods as he is of his own.
Brendon says, "I mean, not without talking to you guys about it first, but if we're not going to be making music together for a while, I'll have some time, and I ..."
"It'll be amazing," Jon says, interrupting Brendon's word vomit.
Brendon ducks his head and runs his fingers through his hair nervously. "So, you guys wouldn't mind?"
Ryan says, "You don't need our permission, Bren."
Brendon looks up at that, and something Spencer can't decipher passes between them. It's a little unsettling that Spencer can't understand it when he knows the both of them better than he knows anyone.
"No," Brendon says. "I don't, but I wouldn't mind having your support."
Ryan smiles and says, "You always have that. No matter what."
Spencer really likes his life, but he knows the transition from tour break to indefinite break isn't going to be easy. He and Brendon have a routine that mostly consists of touring, with a week here -- or if they're lucky -- an entire month there of being home and watching television and catching up with family. It's their down time, their time to be away from each other after being stuck on a bus with one another for months at a time. Brendon will often go spend days and days at his brothers' or sisters' houses, playing with his nieces and nephews and getting the full report on the Urie family happenings while he was away.
Spencer lets his mom do his laundry. He paints the guest bathroom a pale blue. He plays the drums in his and Brendon's music room until his eardrums are ringing. If he gets lonely, he calls Brendon and tells him to come home.
"I made breakfast," Brendon says on a Sunday. Spencer knows it's Sunday because the paper on the table is unusually large.
Spencer blinks, because there are pancakes and syrup and butter on the table, too, and it's weird because it's Sunday. That means Brendon shouldn't be here. "Aren't you supposed to be with your family?" Spencer asks.
"I want to work on music today," Brendon says. He smiles and kicks Spencer's chair away from the table with his foot. "Anyway, I am with my family," Brendon continues. "Sit and eat. I didn't burn them this time." Brendon holds his hands above his head in triumph, and Spencer suddenly really wants to kiss him.
"I have to do something first," Spencer says, crossing over to Brendon. Brendon's eyes light up, and he tips his head back in anticipation. Brendon's mouth is warm and sleepy. His cheeks and chin are rough with stubble, and Spencer figures it's been at least three days since Brendon last shaved.
He slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and tugs on the ends a little, until Spencer groans and deepens the kiss. When he pulls his mouth away Brendon says, "Hi," and then he smiles, wicked and beautiful, and dips his finger into a puddle of syrup on the plate in front of him.
Brendon brushes his finger across Spencer's bottom lip, and Spencer's tongue slides out and follows the line of Brendon's finger. Brendon closes his eyes and kisses Spencer hard on the mouth, licking the syrup his finger left behind.
Spencer pulls away, only to slide to his knees between Brendon's spread legs. Brendon looks down at him, his cheeks flushed and his eyes hooded and dark. Spencer hooks his fingers into the waist of Brendon's jeans and waits for Brendon to lift his hips off the chair. He slides Brendon's pants down and off, licks the head of Brendon's cock, and then kisses his thigh.
Brendon breathes hard through his nose, slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and says, "I guess breakfast can wait."
Spencer smiles against Brendon's thigh and takes Brendon's cock into his mouth, sucking until Brendon calls out his name.
Brendon disappears after breakfast, holes up in their music room, and Spencer doesn't see him for days. He doesn't like it, really, but Spencer gives him a wide berth anyway, figuring that if Brendon wants his help, he'll ask for it.
Haley calls on the fourth day of Brendon's seclusion. "I'm graduating next week," she says.
Spencer smiles and stretches out on his and Brendon's bed. "I heard rumor of something like that," Spencer says.
Haley says, "You should come out and see me. We can drive down to Santa Cruz and lust after beach houses."
Haley's been in California for four years, and Spencer suddenly feels old. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was sitting on a bus getting to know her through text messages and long-distance phone calls. Spencer realizes he's almost a quarter of a century old, and if the band doesn't get back together, he's not sure what he's going to do with the rest of his life.
"That sounds like fun, actually," Spencer says.
"Graduation is Saturday. You should come, bring Brendon too," she says.
Spencer listens for bitterness or insincerity, but it isn't there. It hasn't been there for a long time, and Spencer's still grateful the the two of them were able to salvage their friendship out of the rubble of their failed romance.
"I'll come out," Spencer says. "Brendon's working, but I'll ask him."
He and Haley talk for another half hour about absolutely nothing, and when Spencer finally hangs up, he wishes he'd come up with more to say. He has absolutely no idea what he's going to do with the rest of his day.
California is beautiful, and Haley looks beautiful in it. They're on the beach, both their pants rolled up around their calves. "Do you think you'll stay here?" Spencer asks.
Haley shakes her head and tucks her hair behind her ear. "I would love to, but it's too expensive," she says.
Spencer nods. "Someday I'm going to move here and buy a house on the beach. You can be my roommate," Spencer says.
Haley's quiet, her head resting on her knees. When Spencer glances over she's staring at him openly. "You have a roommate," she says softly.
Spencer's eyes widen a little and he stammers, "No... I didn't mean..." Spencer sighs and starts again. "I was just talking. It's one of those fantasies that won't ever really happen."
Haley blinks and says, "Why not?"
Spencer doesn't know if he should be saying this to her, but apparently his mouth moves faster than his brain. "Brendon," he says. "He wouldn't leave Vegas."
Spencer thinks about that as he and Haley fall silent again, both of them looking out at the waves rolling in. Spencer loves Vegas, but he's always liked the road better. There isn't anything holding him there the way it holds Brendon, or even Ryan. Spencer figures it has something to do with his parents, his family; he doesn't feel like he has unfinished business there.
Haley falls backward, stretching her arms out over her head and digging her toes into the sand. Spencer lies down too, turning until he's propped up on his elbow facing her. She's got her eyes closed, and Spencer doesn't know how much time passes. The waves are soothing, and Haley's eyes move rapidly beneath her eyelids, her breathing coming steady and even, so that Spencer thinks she must have fallen asleep.
"You could ask him," she says, so suddenly that Spencer startles. She doesn't open her eyes.
Spencer swallows and swallows, his throat suddenly dry and tight, until he finally says, "What if he says no?"
Haley opens her eyes then, soft brown, her pupils pinpricks against the sun. "Then I guess you'd have to stay in Vegas," she says. She looks sad, torn, like she's biting her tongue to keep from saying more.
Spencer looks out at the water, the blue sky that stretches on and on into forever, and he doesn't feel free.
It's late on Sunday when Spencer gets home. Brendon's car isn't in the driveway, but the porch light is on. It's not out of the ordinary, anyway; Sunday is Urie family fun day, and Brendon adores spending time with his nieces and nephews.
Spencer dumps his bag in the hallway and contemplates unpacking it until he decides to go to his parents' tomorrow and do laundry there. His mom likes him to come. She'll make him lunch and prod him into helping her haul mulch and dirt for her gardens. In return he can usually guilt her into washing all his clothes for him.
There's a new case of Corona in the fridge, and Spencer helps himself to one, goes into the living room and turns on the TV. He goes through the menu selection twice, doesn't feel like late-night talk shows or procedural cop dramas, so he finishes his beer and heads up to his room.
It's not really late enough for bed, but Spencer stretches out anyway, all of his clothes still on, his feet still in his shoes hanging off the end of the bed. He's not going to sleep yet, but he closes his eyes for a little bit anyway.
Spencer wakes up to the feel of his shoes being taken off his feet. There's no light in the room, but he can feel a hand wrapped loosely around his ankle as Brendon slides the shoe off his left foot.
"Hey," Spencer says, his voice scratchy from sleep. "What time is it?"
"Not too late," Brendon says softly. "A little after eleven, I think."
Spencer nods even though Brendon probably can't see him. "I guess I fell asleep," Spencer says, more to himself than to Brendon. He hadn't really felt that tired. It was more bored, restless, and now he's lost two hours when he could have been doing something productive.
Brendon crawls onto the bed, slides an arm across Spencer's chest, and leans in for a kiss. Spencer kisses him back, warm and slow and lazy-mouthed. He can feel heat building in his gut, down low where it settles and burns brighter with every languid stroke of Brendon's tongue.
Brendon's fingers find the hem of Spencer's shirt in the dark, sliding under to touch Spencer's stomach. His muscles clench and move under his skin involuntarily. Brendon touches lightly, just shy of tickling, and Spencer shivers when his hand moves up and he scratches across Spencer's nipple.
"Too many clothes," Spencer says against Brendon's mouth. Brendon moves then, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to strip off his shirt and start on his jeans. Spencer follows his lead, lifting his hips to shove his pants off into a heap at the end of the bed. Once they're off, he goes for his shirt, but Brendon's suddenly there, pulling on Spencer's shirt, and together they somehow manage to get it off without getting too tangled up in it.
Brendon pushes him back down, and they roll a little until Brendon is sprawled on top, warm and naked. He presses hot, open-mouthed kisses along Spencer's neck. It feels good, but Spencer's skin itches, feels dry and stretched, and Spencer wants to move, to be in charge of making something happen.
He grabs Brendon by the hip and the shoulder and pulls him up until their mouths come together again, and there's nothing lazy about this kiss. Spencer kisses Brendon so hard he thinks their lips might bruise from the force, and Brendon is right there with him, pressing back, biting sharp and needy into Spencer's lower lip.
Spencer rolls them until Brendon is underneath him: small, but sturdy and strong and willing to take Spencer's weight pushing him down into the mattress. Spencer sucks lightly on the underside of Brendon's neck, not enough to mark him for long, but enough to make Spencer feel substantial, connected.
Brendon moans and thrusts his hips up. It makes their cocks slide together, and Spencer grunts, sinks his teeth into the side of Brendon's neck.
Brendon says, "Spencer," and slides his fingers into Spencer's hair and tugs until their mouths come back together, needy and messy. "Missed you, missed you," Brendon mumbles between kisses.
Spencer kisses Brendon harder before he rolls off to dig the lube out of the bedside drawer. Spencer still feels unsettled, like something is trying to claw its way out of him. His hands are shaking when he finally gets the cap open and squeezes the bottle on his fingers. He wants to be inside Brendon right now, and he doesn't waste any time. He goes in fast with his index finger, sinks it in past the second knuckle, and crooks it upward until Brendon moans and bows his spine up off the bed.
Brendon's mouth is open -- short labored breaths pushing out past his lips -- interspersed with these beautiful little whimpers that send a bolt of lust right to Spencer's gut. Spencer's entire body feels fevered and his finger isn't enough. He knows the second one won't be enough, even as he pushes it in along side the first.
Brendon's tight -- always tight -- but he likes the burn and stretch, too. Spencer scissors his fingers as best he can, even as Brendon's fingers dig hard into his shoulders.
"Spencer," Brendon says desperately, and Spencer feels his cock get impossibly harder, his mind stuck like a broken record on now, now, now.
"Okay, okay," Spencer says.
Brendon's bucking up underneath him, his feet on the bed by Spencer's knees. Spencer pulls his fingers free and uses both his hands hooked under Brendon's knees to fold him practically in half. The head of Spencer's cock slides along the crease of Brendon's ass, and Brendon moans again, says, "Please, Spencer. Oh, please."
Spencer's almost blind with how much he wants to be inside Brendon. His lust is riding so close to anger that he can't think beyond the need to have Brendon, to be everywhere at once. He pushes hard on Brendon's knees and Brendon lets him hook one leg over Spencer's shoulder, the other he hooks around Spencer's side so that his foot is resting in the small of Spencer's back.
Spencer uses his free hand to guide his cock, and he pushes in, one hard thrust, until he's as close as he can be.
They're both sweating. Spencer wishes Brendon had turned on the bedside lamp so that Spencer could see him properly. It doesn't really matter, because Spencer knows what he looks like, but it never gets old; it's never something Spencer thinks he could get tired of seeing, Brendon spread out and strung out and clinging tight to Spencer's shoulders.
"I love you," Brendon says as Spencer works his hips in slow, short thrusts.
Spencer's heart trips fast in his chest, and he kisses along Brendon's jaw in answer, fucks his tongue into Brendon's mouth until Brendon is kissing him back, and still it's not enough. Spencer uses both his hands to hold Brendon to the bed, even though Brendon's not trying to go anywhere.
"It's not enough," Spencer pants against Brendon's lips, and Brendon stiffens beneath him suddenly. It takes Spencer's fizzled brain a moment to realize what he just said, and no, no. It pisses him off that Brendon can even think that after all these years. "No, Brendon" Spencer says, and he puts Brendon's arms above his head and pins him there, his hips going faster, his cock fucking Brendon just the way Brendon likes it. "I can't get close enough," Spencer whines, kissing Brendon's mouth again.
Brendon must get it then, because his entire body relaxes. It's almost like he's handing himself over to Spencer, and Spencer takes him, because he can, because Brendon is his. They both get a sloppy rhythm going, their mouths clinging together and Spencer's hands wrapped around Brendon's wrists, Brendon's entire body pinned to the bed by Spencer's weight. There isn't much room to move like this, but they make do.
Spencer comes first, rides out his orgasm with erratic thrusts, and feels Brendon come between them just a few seconds before Spencer collapses on top of him.
He knows he must be heavy, but Brendon doesn't move, both of them coming down together until Brendon turns one of his wrists, which are still clasped in Spencer's hand. Spencer lets him go, and Brendon runs lazy fingers through Spencer's hair. "I'm glad you're home," Brendon says, his words slurred with sleep.
"Me too," Spencer says, punctuating his words by kissing Brendon's skin right above where Spencer can still feel Brendon's heart beating rapidly. Spencer doesn't want to move, and Brendon doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get rid of him, so Spencer settles in and lets sleep pull him under.
Spencer's still sprawled out on top of Brendon when he wakes up in the morning. Brendon's already awake, his fingers tangled in Spencer's hair. "Hi," Spencer says.
Brendon smiles and kisses Spencer's forehead. "You're squashing me," Brendon says. "I'm suffocating right before your very eyes." Brendon widens his eyes in appeal and Spencer laughs and rolls them a little so that they're both lying on their sides facing each other.
Brendon tucks his face against Spencer's neck, and Spencer says, "What are you doing today? I was thinking we could just fuck around, stay in bed, maybe go see a movie later this afternoon."
Brendon pulls back and wrinkles his nose. "I wanted to work on some things today. Can I have a rain check?" Brendon asks.
Spencer feels disappointment curl in his gut, followed quickly by a rush of irritation. "You took yesterday off to see your family," Spencer says, and then closes his eyes, disgusted with how pathetic he sounds.
Brendon says, "Umm, okay. How about I knock off around four and we can go see a movie and maybe grab some dinner?"
Now Spencer's annoyed with the both of them, his disappointment turning to anger so quickly he can barely get a handle on it. Spencer rolls to the side of the bed and stands up, yanking on his jeans. "Forget it," he says pulling on a shirt that's been tossed on the floor. It doesn't smell very good, but Spencer doesn't really care at this point. "Don't do me any fucking favors."
Brendon sits up, eyes worried, and bites his bottom lip. "I... Okay, no. We can spend the day together. Just let me get dressed."
Spencer's never actually wanted to hit any of his band members before. Even after Brendon broke his heart a million years ago and he felt angry pretty much all the time, he never wanted to actually hurt him. It's kind of scary, and Spencer really wants to just get the fuck away and cool off before he says or does something unforgivable. Brendon hasn't even really done anything to warrant this kind of reaction, and Spencer knows it.
"I'm going to Ryan's," Spencer says. "Do what you want." He can hear Brendon scrambling to get dressed, calling his name, but all he can think about is getting out and getting away. He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter and heads out the door.
His cell phone starts ringing before he's even off his street. He turns the phone off and throws it in the passenger seat. Spencer flexes his hands on his steering wheel and wars with himself about turning around. They don't fight often, and the angry part of Spencer's brain tells him it's because he usually just lets Brendon have his way. He steps on the gas and determinably does not think about going back again.
He just lets himself into Ryan's house, because they passed the point of needing permission from each other years and years ago. Ryan's on the phone in the living room, Jude sleeping in a car seat at his feet. "He just walked in," Ryan says. "Yeah. One of us will call."
Ryan hangs up and stares at Spencer. He cocks his head to the side and says, "Brendon," as he sets his cell phone on the table.
Spencer nods and sits down next to Ryan. "Sometimes I really hate him," Spencer says.
Ryan leans over and rests his head on Spencer's shoulder. "Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could make that true whenever we wanted?"
Spencer closes his eyes and says, "Fuck it. Entertain me or something."
They watch Goonies and Lost Boys and are half way through Labyrinth when Keltie gets home. The two of them share a look that makes Spencer smile, silent communication that has Keltie smiling brightly and saying, "Give me that baby," as she plucks Jude out of Ryan's lap.
Ryan drags him outside and they smoke a joint together and watch the sunset. "Time to talk to me, Spencer Smith," Ryan says blowing out the smoke he's been holding in his chest.
Spencer wipes his hand across his face and takes the joint from Ryan. Spencer takes a hit, sighs out the smoke and says, "Sometimes I really hate the way he makes me feel."
Ryan nods just as the sliding glass door opens and Keltie comes out with two beers. "Don't say I never do anything for you," she says setting the beers on the table between them and leaning over to kiss Ryan on the mouth. She turns and kisses Spencer's cheek on her way back inside.
"What, no dinner?" Ryan calls after her, and Spencer turns in time to see her flip him off.
Spencer laughs and says, "You're a lucky bastard, Ryan."
"It's true," Ryan says opening both beers and handing one over to Spencer. "Now, we have beer and weed and fresh air. Share with me, my friend. How does he make you feel?"
Spencer stalls, scratches the back of his neck, and wonders why this feels like a betrayal. It's not like he hasn't talked with Ryan about Brendon before. "It's... He doesn't want to spend time with me, and then when I think that, I feel like some pathetic whiner, and that makes me kind of want to punch the both of us in the face."
Ryan says, "So, what have you been up to for the last month?"
"Huh?" Spencer says.
"Well, Jon's off doing whatever Jons do in Chicago, and Brendon's working on solo stuff. I'm writing music and changing diapers and hoping I'm not screwing my kid up as badly as my parents screwed me up. What are you doing, Spence?"
Spencer thinks about his blue bathroom. He thinks about his drum kit, trapped in their music room with Brendon. He hasn't touched it in weeks. He thinks about Haley and miles of sand and ocean and sky. "I want to buy a house in Santa Cruz," Spencer says.
Ryan blinks and says, "You've been talking about that for years. If you still want it, you should do it."
Spencer does want it. He remembers the first time he ever saw it. He was seven and his entire family went to San Francisco on vacation. Spencer stepped into the sand and it was like coming home after being away for too long, warm and familiar and beautiful in that comforting way home is.
When he got back to Vegas, he went and got Ryan, and they looked it up together on the atlas Spencer's dad kept in his office. Spencer had asked Ryan to go with him then, back before he understood how friendships change. It just never occurred to him at seven that Ryan wouldn't always go wherever Spencer went.
"I want Brendon to go with me," Spencer says.
Ryan says, "Did he say he wouldn't?"
Spencer isn't a pessimist, but he doesn't always see the silver lining to things either. Sometimes there isn't always good to overshadow the bad. Sometimes shit is just the way it is, and Spencer has learned to just take what he can get. Brendon's been a really good teacher. "I haven't asked him," Spencer says.
"So ask him," Ryan says.
Spencer nods and says, "And when he says no?"
Ryan looks over angrily then and slaps his beer onto the table with a loud thunk. "Then fucking go without him," Ryan snaps.
Spencer says, "Ryan, I--" before Ryan stands up and cuts him off.
"I need you to listen to me now, and don't interrupt because sometimes I actually know what I'm talking about," Ryan says.
Spencer says, "Sure, okay."
"I spent the first twenty years of my life being really miserable," Ryan says. "I don't think I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to be happy. After my father died... It took me some time, but I realized all those years I spent blaming him for all the shitty things in my life didn't do me any damn good."
Ryan sounds sad and regretful, and Spencer really wants to get up and give him a hug. When he goes to get out of his chair, Ryan snaps, "Sit. I'm not done yet."
Spencer sits but he says, "You don't have to do this, Ryan."
"I realized," Ryan continues, ignoring Spencer's words, "that I wasted a lot of time I could have been living. I wasted time I could have used to fix things with my father. After I buried him, I swore I wasn't going to waste any more time ever again. That the next time I saw something I wanted, I was going to get it, win it, take it. I promised myself I was going to be happy."
Spencer smiles and says, "And then you met Keltie."
Ryan smiles too and says, "Yeah, and she makes things better, but in the end, I had to be happy with me first."
Spencer says, "I've wanted him for so long, I forgot I ever wanted anything else. I honestly can't remember the last time I did something that wasn't to make somebody else happy."
Ryan winces and says, "Spencer," and his face is paler than Spencer's ever seen it.
"What?" Spencer asks.
Ryan shrugs and says, "Sometimes I feel like I dragged you into this when it wasn't really what you wanted."
Spencer thinks about that. He can't imagine what else he would have done if he hadn't drummed for the band, but even at seventeen he knew it wasn't the same for him as it was for Ryan. "I didn't want anything more than I wanted to be with you and Brendon," Spencer says truthfully.
"What do you want now?" Ryan asks.
Spencer says, "I want to move to Santa Cruz. I want to buy my dream house, and lounge on the beach and figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to ask Brendon to go with me."
"You should do that," Ryan says.
Spencer does stand up then, and when he wraps his arms around Ryan, Ryan hugs him back. "I think I will," Spencer says.
Ryan says, "Good."
Part Two