She has learned to smile politely when Pansy says things like that, wondering how in hell Pansy never notices that her smile looked more like a grimace.
'how in hell' weakens the sentence - it's almost as if you're trying to give the sentence an extra layer of oomph that it doesn't need. The strength of the thought is already apparent and comes from its context - it doesn't need the emphasis, and is actually quite chilling without it.
That's the only thing in the whole piece I might alter - the rest just works beautifully.
As ever, I don't know what to do when people Like Things except go "ee" and toe the ground bashfully. But I am glad you enjoyed.
I'd never have noticed, or picked up on that point without you bringing it to my attention. Although now you have, I agree with you. It doesn't read right when read out loud either, I think. Thanks a lot!
No worries - you'll have the opportunity to get your own back at some point, I daresay ;) I notice you've changed it in the main text, now - everyone else that comments will think I just made that up, lol.
The exploration for Millicent's character was great - the part where she describes her 'disgusting loyalty' was probably my favourite part because it seemed like it would be something opposite, but the way you wrote it gave me the shivers. I loved, loved Millicent here and her love for Pansy was just... gah. =)
I adore Millicent so much, and it just pains me when she's shunted off to the side as "that ugly Slytherin girl." You've given her so much depth, everything I could imagine and more, and it's brilliant.
From the very first sentence, this is great. There's no beating around the bush, so to speak: you enter the story and you're right there, hearing about Millicent's obsession/lust for Pansy, and it all spirals onward from there.
Although this is all told from Millicent's perspective, the spotlight is equally (if not directly) on Pansy. There is so much the reader learns about both character's through Millicent's eyes.
Your Pansy is just so Pansy. She's calculating and malicious, fiery, prone to bouts of cursing, insecure about her relationship with Draco, poised, devastated, strong. She's affectionate to the point where it's painful for Millicent to be around her, hearing talk of cosmetic charms and Draco and best friends. Perfect.
And Millicent! *melts into puddle of squee* I am
( ... )
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And yeah, I'm so your fake-girlfriend!
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Oh. It's. Oh. Yes. Lovely.
(Oh, the inadequacy of words.)
Might I make a suggestion, though?
She has learned to smile politely when Pansy says things like that, wondering how in hell Pansy never notices that her smile looked more like a grimace.
'how in hell' weakens the sentence - it's almost as if you're trying to give the sentence an extra layer of oomph that it doesn't need. The strength of the thought is already apparent and comes from its context - it doesn't need the emphasis, and is actually quite chilling without it.
That's the only thing in the whole piece I might alter - the rest just works beautifully.
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I'd never have noticed, or picked up on that point without you bringing it to my attention. Although now you have, I agree with you. It doesn't read right when read out loud either, I think. Thanks a lot!
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No worries - you'll have the opportunity to get your own back at some point, I daresay ;) I notice you've changed it in the main text, now - everyone else that comments will think I just made that up, lol.
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No, I am not kidding.
I adore Millicent so much, and it just pains me when she's shunted off to the side as "that ugly Slytherin girl." You've given her so much depth, everything I could imagine and more, and it's brilliant.
From the very first sentence, this is great. There's no beating around the bush, so to speak: you enter the story and you're right there, hearing about Millicent's obsession/lust for Pansy, and it all spirals onward from there.
Although this is all told from Millicent's perspective, the spotlight is equally (if not directly) on Pansy. There is so much the reader learns about both character's through Millicent's eyes.
Your Pansy is just so Pansy. She's calculating and malicious, fiery, prone to bouts of cursing, insecure about her relationship with Draco, poised, devastated, strong. She's affectionate to the point where it's painful for Millicent to be around her, hearing talk of cosmetic charms and Draco and best friends. Perfect.
And Millicent! *melts into puddle of squee* I am ( ... )
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