Crossing the line between desire and fear
Date: Wednesday, 10 January, 2001
Time: roughly 8:15am (just after sunrise, prior to moonset)
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin and Severus Snape
Rating: PG to start
The sky outside the window was beginning to lighten to a shimmering gold sunrise when the large tawny wolf sprawled in front of the sitting room fire at last raised his head.
The human man whose mind inhabited the canine body had spent the night in a sense of restless anticipation and fidgeting apprehension. Despite the festivities of earlier in the day, Remus Lupin's thoughts had centered, for the past hour, upon his dream of nearly three weeks past.
Though he was a man given toward thinking things out, often over-rationalizing events and choices, the truly important decisions, the ones that would define him in some way, were almost always recognized by his subconscious before his conscious mind was ever ready to acknowledge the possibilities. It had always been that way, anytime he was in an emotionally charged point of his life, his subconscious plagued him with dreams of what he was truly concerned with until he was ready to actively persue the line of thought. Almost every major turning point in his life was hearalded in that way -- receiving his Hogwarts letter, forgiving Sirius after that stupid prank, leaving the country after the first war, returning to take the Defense post the first time, leaving Greyback's pack, his attraction to Severus initially.
All events that had been accompanied at some point before or after by dreams in which his mind tried to work out the details his waking self was ill-equipped to handle.
This one had been particularly unsettling in it's meaning once he worked it out. Never...Never...had he ever thought the word 'mate' in connection with another person before, lycanthrope or not, waking or dreaming. In part, he had never expected to find such a person, ever. But, also, the concept implied a trust and intimacy he was almost terrified of.
The wolfsbane potion was the only thing that kept him from literally tearing the man he had come to care for greatly apart, limb from limb; wolfsbane potion brewed by that same man's hand. No matter what he seemed now, there was always a chance the monster would take control. If he couldn't trust himself, he couldn't allow others to trust him.
At least, that had always been his rationale in the past. There was nothing outwardly to distinguish a werewolf on wolfsbane and one who was not until it was too late to save yourself. He couldn't afford to let anyone close to him get used to thinking of him as a tame animal.
But, his dream had caused him to question everything.
For the last several hours, he had lain by the hearth in contemplation. Large golden eyes remained focused on long, supple fingers with an almost obsessive intensity. He remembered the feel of those fingers stroking his dream-self's 'fur', coaxing him back to his humanity, caring for the wolf as well as the man. It wasn't the first time he had longed to feel them buried in his thick pelt.
It was only the first time he had seriously contemplated allowing it.
This thing between he and Severus was unlike anything he'd known in the past, thrilling and comforting at the same time. But, he knew there was a barrier between them, a barrier partly of his own making, forged of his own fears. He still wasn't ready to give a name to his feelings. Yet, the dream had made him realize he was getting in far deeper than he had anticipated. He wanted more and if he was going to find a way to draw closer to this man, he was going to have to deal with his inner wolf.
Nor was 'the wolf' at all indifferent to Severus, either. Remus could pinpoint the exact moment the wolf sat up and took notice of the potions master -- the night Severus bared his throat to the wolf. The wolf had been consciously aware of what it wanted even before Remus was. It had wanted, hungered, in a way utterly foreign from the usual bloodlust Remus knew.
Perhaps the wolf's reactions were an indication that this was different from the previous attempts at 'companionship' Remus had made before, cold things that held no chance of growing because he was too afraid to let go, to test the wolf's acceptance, to let his true nature show.
There was no better time than now. It could be a birthday present of sorts.
Screwing his courage to the sticking point at last, he pushed himself up onto all four paws. He really should be heading back to the transformation room soon. There wasn't a lot of time before moonset. He could already feel the wolf quieting.
But, he'd spent all night contemplating this gesture. He couldn't turn away now that he'd finally decided to do it.
Padding slowly over to Severus, he butted his nose gently against the first long-fingered hand he could reach.
Time: roughly 8:15am (just after sunrise, prior to moonset)
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin and Severus Snape
Rating: PG to start
The sky outside the window was beginning to lighten to a shimmering gold sunrise when the large tawny wolf sprawled in front of the sitting room fire at last raised his head.
The human man whose mind inhabited the canine body had spent the night in a sense of restless anticipation and fidgeting apprehension. Despite the festivities of earlier in the day, Remus Lupin's thoughts had centered, for the past hour, upon his dream of nearly three weeks past.
Though he was a man given toward thinking things out, often over-rationalizing events and choices, the truly important decisions, the ones that would define him in some way, were almost always recognized by his subconscious before his conscious mind was ever ready to acknowledge the possibilities. It had always been that way, anytime he was in an emotionally charged point of his life, his subconscious plagued him with dreams of what he was truly concerned with until he was ready to actively persue the line of thought. Almost every major turning point in his life was hearalded in that way -- receiving his Hogwarts letter, forgiving Sirius after that stupid prank, leaving the country after the first war, returning to take the Defense post the first time, leaving Greyback's pack, his attraction to Severus initially.
All events that had been accompanied at some point before or after by dreams in which his mind tried to work out the details his waking self was ill-equipped to handle.
This one had been particularly unsettling in it's meaning once he worked it out. Never...Never...had he ever thought the word 'mate' in connection with another person before, lycanthrope or not, waking or dreaming. In part, he had never expected to find such a person, ever. But, also, the concept implied a trust and intimacy he was almost terrified of.
The wolfsbane potion was the only thing that kept him from literally tearing the man he had come to care for greatly apart, limb from limb; wolfsbane potion brewed by that same man's hand. No matter what he seemed now, there was always a chance the monster would take control. If he couldn't trust himself, he couldn't allow others to trust him.
At least, that had always been his rationale in the past. There was nothing outwardly to distinguish a werewolf on wolfsbane and one who was not until it was too late to save yourself. He couldn't afford to let anyone close to him get used to thinking of him as a tame animal.
But, his dream had caused him to question everything.
For the last several hours, he had lain by the hearth in contemplation. Large golden eyes remained focused on long, supple fingers with an almost obsessive intensity. He remembered the feel of those fingers stroking his dream-self's 'fur', coaxing him back to his humanity, caring for the wolf as well as the man. It wasn't the first time he had longed to feel them buried in his thick pelt.
It was only the first time he had seriously contemplated allowing it.
This thing between he and Severus was unlike anything he'd known in the past, thrilling and comforting at the same time. But, he knew there was a barrier between them, a barrier partly of his own making, forged of his own fears. He still wasn't ready to give a name to his feelings. Yet, the dream had made him realize he was getting in far deeper than he had anticipated. He wanted more and if he was going to find a way to draw closer to this man, he was going to have to deal with his inner wolf.
Nor was 'the wolf' at all indifferent to Severus, either. Remus could pinpoint the exact moment the wolf sat up and took notice of the potions master -- the night Severus bared his throat to the wolf. The wolf had been consciously aware of what it wanted even before Remus was. It had wanted, hungered, in a way utterly foreign from the usual bloodlust Remus knew.
Perhaps the wolf's reactions were an indication that this was different from the previous attempts at 'companionship' Remus had made before, cold things that held no chance of growing because he was too afraid to let go, to test the wolf's acceptance, to let his true nature show.
There was no better time than now. It could be a birthday present of sorts.
Screwing his courage to the sticking point at last, he pushed himself up onto all four paws. He really should be heading back to the transformation room soon. There wasn't a lot of time before moonset. He could already feel the wolf quieting.
But, he'd spent all night contemplating this gesture. He couldn't turn away now that he'd finally decided to do it.
Padding slowly over to Severus, he butted his nose gently against the first long-fingered hand he could reach.