(no subject)
title: home for christmas
pairings: shiwon, hankyung
genre: general, drama
rating: pg13
Kangin is walking back and forth, back and forth, frown set deep, trying to calm himself.
On the couch, Eeteuk is biting his lip, tears visible though not falling.
Beside Eeteuk is Sungmin; he is crying openly, arms around Shindong, trying to find comfort within the warmth of his friend.
Eunhyuk is holding Donghae on the floor; he hasn't shed a tear himself, hoping to give Donghae a little bit more strength.
Heechul locked himself in his room when they heard; no one has heard anything from him since, but, because they're all hurting, even though they want to, they don't check up on the elder boy, knowing that it is his way of dealing with things.
Yesung, Ryeowook and Henry are in the kitchen, hoping some coffee, or tea or warm, comforting chocolate, would calm them down.
Kyuhyun was in front of their wii when the news came; he is still there now, shocked, unmoving.
Zhou Mi tries his best to comfort the younger man, silently weeping for himself, for everyone and for Kyuhyun; he feels a bit helpess, because they were just together only moments ago, so he cries, too, for the life that should still have been there with them.
Shiwon is sitting on a chair, in the living room where all of them are; he seems as if he's handling the news calmly, but in truth, inside, he isn't. He's shouting at himself, angry, frustrated, dying.
Geng had been the world to him.
Unable to take the silence, he stands up. He catches a glimpse of everyone and, for a moment, he feels his eyes sting. Biting his lip, he turns away quickly, not wanting to cry, trying to be strong for all of them. He breathes deeply and it calms him down. His tears assuaged, he walks, though he has no idea where to go. All he knows is that he doesn't want to see his friends like this because they're usually so full of life. He stops, remembering why. Frowning, he shakes his head and keeps himself from thinking about that.
Suddenly, the room spins. Faster and faster, in circles, around him, above him, hanging, moving, moving, moving. He's swaying and stumbling and moving and he's afraid, terrified, confused. He turns to everyone and finds them strangely calm, strangely unmoved. His confusion piles and piles and piles, he doesn't understand. What is happening? What should he do? What should he do?!
He tries to move, tries to fight the swaying, the circling, spinning. A yell is forced out of him when everything begins to melt, begins to crumble and break. Amidst the spinning and the swaying and the crumbling and breaking, shaking begins. Slow at first, then faster, harder, violent. His head is hurting and he's in pain, he's in pain and he's confused and he doesn't know what to do. He cries out, tries to reach his friends, tries to find a way to be with them because he doesn't want to be alone.
But with Geng gone, what else is he but alone?
Finally allowing the tears to flow, he sobs. He shuts his eyes, uncaring now, unfeeling. He hasn't thought of a world without the elder boy, so he isn't prepared, isn't ready, isn't himself anymore. He cries and cries and cries, allowing the spinning to consume him, allows the shaking to bring him down to his knees. He winds his arms around himself; tighter, tighter, until he's numb, and cold and...
'Hyung?'
'Are you all right? Shiwon?'
'Yah! You idiot, wake up! Wake up!"
Groaning, he stirs; he feels the spinning suddenly come to a halt, feels he's lying on something smooth and soft and comfortable, feels hands on his shoulders, shaking him.
Shaking him?
He opens his eyes finally, and squints, allowing his eyesight to adjust. He sees three figures hovering over him, swaying, moving, fidgeting. They move closer when they see he is waking up.
"Hyung, are you all right?" one of them asks again.
He frowns, stretches his tired muscles, and croaks a, "I think so."
"You were having a nightmare. Your thrashing woke Hae up, then he woke me up and I woke Heechul. He's not happy about it, but whatever. Do you want to talk about it?"
It's amusing, and on normal occasions he would have laughed loudly, but it's different tonight.
That dream, that nightmare, it felt so real.
"Hey, he says he's fine," Heechul scoffs, "Can we all go back to sleep now?"
"Ah hyung! How can you be so cold? It was a really bad nightmare! I don't think I can sleep anymore, and I was only watching him!"
Shiwon sits up gingerly while his friends bicker. A small smile appears on his face, thankful for the distraction. In the dark room, Shiwon doesn't recognize it is Eeteuk's hand over his own.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks again, the sincerity of his voice comforting him. "We need to get up in an hour anyway. Go to the kitchen and have tea with me? It'll make you feel better."
Smiling, Shiwon accepts. Donghae, who claims he can't sleep anymore, asks if he could come, too. Shiwon chuckles, as well as Eeteuk, and they nod, creating a smile on the younger boy's face. Heechul sighs beside him. Giving him a quick hug, Heechul whispers a, "You made me worry," softly so that no one but him hears. Shiwon smiles brightly at him, gives the elder a longer hug and stands up, walking with the others to the kitchen.
A few more minutes, the four of them are settled comfortably around the table, making small talk, allowing Shiwon to ready himself enough to say whatever it is that had haunted his sleep. Maybe it is coincidence, Eeteuk thinks as he watches Donghae, Heechul and Shiwon laugh, that the younger man, in one of the days he stays the night with them, to have a nightmare.
Shiwon sobers suddenly; the three of them notice and keep silent.
Hesitantly, Shiwon asks, "Can I go see Hankyung hyung?"
Shiwon expects Eeteuk to say no, because the other dorm is far and it's still dark and you're going to see him later anyway. He expects Heechul to scoff and roll his eyes and say that he's acting like a girl again. He, too, had been expecting Donghae to laugh and reach out and hug him.
Shiwon had been expecting many things.
But,
He doesn't expect Eeteuk to look at him strangely, doesn't expect Heechul openly showing his worry, doesn't expect Donghae to reach out and say, softly, "H-Hankyung?" in a voice tinged with concern and a little bit of fear.
Shiwon looks at them, preparing himself, expecting to realize that his nightmare had not been just a nightmare after all. So he swallows thickly, bites his lips and asks, "W-where is he?"
His friends share a glance among themselves when he asks. Shiwon thinks they're deciding how they're going to tell him that Hankyung's gone. Feeling his heart breaking into pieces again, he waits for them to answer him.
Instead of answering him, though, Eeteuk looks at him, worriedly and asks, "Shiwon, who is Hankyung?"
Shiwon doesn't take the question well. His eyes grow big, brows raising high, breath beginning to hitch.
Who is Hankyung? Eeteuk had asked.
What in the world is happening?!
"Shiwon, Shiwon," Eeteuk says, standing up, walking to him, trying to calm him down, "Shiwon, sssh. It's all right, it's all right, we'll figure things out. We'll figure it out, I promise. We'll find this Hankyung, we'll find him. We'll help you Shiwon, we'll all find him."
Shiwon shakes his head, over and over and over again. "Hyung," he whispers, voice grave, eyes already filling with tears, "Hyung, don't you know who Hankyung hyung is? Are you making this up? Are you joking with me? Because this isn't funny, hyung. I was just dreaming about him, hyung. Hankyung hyung died in my dream. Hankyung hyung... Hankyung hyung died in my dream, hyung! I know it's a dream, I know it's a nightmare, but please hyung! I want to see him! I want to see for myself that he's really all right! I want to-I want to- please, hyung! Please tell me!"
"Shiwon," Heechul says, face painted with worry, heart aching because Shiwon is hurting and he has no idea what to do, "Shiwon, we said we'll find him, didn't we?! So calm down and--,"
"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN YOU'VE FORGOTTEN SOMEONE WE ALL KNOW?!" Shiwon yells, almost panicking, heart beginning to break into tiny, tiny pieces again. He takes in a shaky breath, looks at his friends in front of him and continues softly, "How can I calm down when all of us should know who he is and all of you seem to have forgotten?! Heechul hyung, he's your best friend! How-how can you pretend to forget who he is! Please, don't kid with me. I need to know!"
Eeteuk, Donghae and Heechul stays silent when he finishes. They don't know what to say, because they know that anything they do will only aggravate the other man. Unsurprisingly, it is Donghae who finds the courage to speak, "Hyung, I'm really, really, really sorry but...," looking straight into Shiwon's eyes, Donghae sadly whispers, "We don't know who he is. The four of us... it's only been us for many, many years. Don't you remember? You brought me here when I had nowhere else to go and I've never been as happy. Teukie hyung was your hyung at school and-and Heechul... You're together, right? You love each other, right? You've been together for as long as I can remember. Both of you, you're happy together; you're always so happy together... Don't you remember, hyung? If Hankyung and Heechul are friends, how come Eeteuk and I haven't met him. If we should know who he is, how come I haven't even heard his name before?" reaching out, Donghae lays his hand on Shiwon's shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, hyung. But... maybe the dream felt so real to you that it somehow convinced you that this person is real? I mean, well, I don't know if that's possible but... I know I don't know any Hankyung."
"No!" Shiwon yells, shaking his head hard, "Hankyung isn't a dream! Don't tell me you've forgotten?! Don't you remember? Super Junior, thirteen of us, one Chinese member? What about SJM?! You, me, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun and Hankyung hyung --Han Geng gege. Don't you remember any of that?!"
About to shake his head, Donghae stops when Heechul says, "Wait a minute. Did you just say, 'Han Geng'?"
Shiwon turns to Heechul, eyes already holding a little bit of hope. "Yeah, Hankyung hyung's Chinese name is Han Geng."
"Han Geng... you mean, that Chinese superstar? The first foreigner who debutted and hit it big in Korea? And, who was also on the news a while ago?"
"Ah, that one?" Eeteuk suddenly asks. Turning to Shiwon, he says, "You knew him? I didn't know that. I'm sorry, Shiwon."
Shiwon pauses for a second, then he frowns and asks, "Hyung, what do you mean, 'I knew him'? Why are you saying sorry?"
"You were already sleeping when the report came, hyung," Donghae answers, "On his way back to China, Geng's plane crashed. No survivors had been found yet but they don't think anyone can survive a crash like that," eyes suddenly understanding, because Geng had been Shiwon's friend and the dream could have been Geng's way of telling Shiwon that he's gone, Donghae reaches over and clumsily pulls Shiwon in an embrace. Then, softly, he says, "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry your friend is gone."
As soon as the words leave Donghae's lips, Shiwon breaks from the hug, he stands up quickly, pushing Eeteuk, who is at his back, a little too roughly to the wall. Hearing Eeteuk gasp in surprise, Shiwon whirls to see if the elder boy is fine. But when he does the room begins to shake, and then spin, and then melt and crumple and break. His head begins to hurt and throb and he feels his chest constrict in pain. Suddenly, he finds it hard to breathe, finds everything begin to blur and mix and break up and crumble and fall and he's falling, he's falling and he doesn't know what to do, doesn't understand what's happening or why. He can't figure out what's a dream and what's not a dream anymore. He lets himself fall, allowing the darkness to consume him again.
But instead of darkness, it is light that swallows him.
"Shiwon-sshi," someone says, "It's morning. Would you like to eat breakfast?"
He opens his eyes, a little afraid, and he finds their house helper leaning over him. He blinks dumbly at her for a while. When he sees her frown in concern, he quickly smiles at the old lady, gingerly sits up and sighs. Holding his head in his hands, he chuckles. Is this a dream, too?
"Shiwon-sshi, are you all right?"
Shiwon looks up and smiles again, nodding. He gets out of bed, follows her to the kitchen and tries to forget that nightmare.
He finds he can't, of course.
Shiwon had never been the superstitious type, at least, not outside his religion. But the dreams --maybe it meant something, maybe it didn't. Either way, he didn't want to risk not doing anything and find that it did.
---
He's with the others in a matter of hours and finds he can push the thought at the back of his mind with the chaos all fifteen of them always make. He's smiling and laughing and joking around with them and soon, he feels like everything's normal.
Until, somewhere in the studio, he hears Hankyung yell. He freezes, dreams coming back to haunt him again, and he's almost afraid to turn around and see. He feels someone pull his arm, finds it's Heechul and suddenly, he's in front of a sheepishly smiling Hankyung.
"Sorry," he's saying, scratching the back of his head, "I slipped."
Heechul's shouting at Hankyung, who is still sitting on the floor, gingerly rubbing his ankle, for scaring him, and then Eeteuk's there and he knows Hankyung and he's lecturing him about being careful around the dance floor because it's always a bit slippery and he should know that, he should know that because they've been rehearsing their dances here for more than three years.
"Shiwon, help me up."
Shiwon finally looks at Hankyung then. But he's still shocked and a bit frozen and he can't seem to shake the nightmare away from his mind just yet. So he's just staring at the others' hand dumbly. It's not until Heechul elbows him on his side that he gathers himself again to pull Hankyung back on his feet. Hankyung's looking at him worriedly, and so are Eeteuk, Heechul and everyone else there.
"Are you all right?" Yesung asks, "If you need to take a break, just tell us." Jokingly, and in an attempt to lighten the mood, Yesung says, "You can always swap with Zhou Mi and no one would be able to tell. Not with twelve other people there dancing with him. You two have similar profiles anyway, people watching from afar won't be able to tell the difference."
Somewhere in front of him, Zhou Mi says, in a tone that clearly says he's pouting, "Very funny, Yesung hyung," and suddenly, everyone is laughing. Some are already going to Zhou Mi to console him. Some, like Eeteuk, are still looking worriedly at him.
"Are you really feeling all right, Shiwon?"
Shiwon chuckles a little, suddenly sick of hearing that question. He nods, "I'm fine, hyung. Just had a bad dream."
Eeteuk smiles at him, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Must have been really a bad dream, huh?"
Shiwon takes a glance at Hankyung, who is getting hounded on by Heechul, turns back to Eeteuk and smiles, albeit, a strained one. "Yeah," he says, "It was a nightmare. A real bad one."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Eeteuk asks, "We can go talk about it over lunch, if you want."
"It's okay, hyung," Shiwon replies, "I'm fine, really. I'm over it already."
"Are you sure, Shiwon?"
Taking another glance at Hankyung, who is laughing, joking around with everyone, and alive, he nods. "I'm sure, hyung."
---
Shiwon isn't all right, of course.
He's become fidgety and a little paranoid, but he continues to practice, continues to rehears and dance and sing and pretend like nothing's wrong.
No one notices it for a while. But when Hankyung suddenly barks at him to 'Stop it!', everyone beings to watch Shiwon's actions a little closer than before.
They watch as he eyes Hankyung's every move and every step as if obsessed. They watch him hover over the elder boy, shooting panicked glances left and right; above them and below them, as if something would attack Hankyung. They watch as he pulls Hankyung away from the balcony, away from the rooftop, away from sharp and pointy objects, away from anything that had the potential of harming him. They all think it's cute at first, because they know Shiwon and Hankyung are closest with each other, but as the minutes tick by and as Shiwon's actions grow even more panicky, even more obsessed and protective, they begin to think that something's wrong; that something is bothering Shiwon so much for him to act like this.
Eeteuk mentions that Shiwon said something about a dream to him moments ago. It is accepted as an answer to Shiwon's strange behavior, so everyone just smiles fondly at Shiwon's actions, pegging it as his way of showing his love to the elder boy. They don't think about it anymore afterwards, allowing Shiwon to fuss over an amazingly patient Hankyung. Some think it's funny though. And because Shiwon is always fun to tease, Kangin, Heechul and Eeteuk, who, with their words, converts everyone else to join their cause, decides to do just that.
The first step to their plan is to separate the two. It's proving to be difficult, because Shiwon doesn't cooperate and keeps on tailing Hankyung as if it is a matter of life and death. About to give up, they get their chance when Hankyung loses one of their games during their break. Hankyung complains about it at first, just like always, but just like always, he laughs and accepts his loss and gamely asks what the punishment is this time. Eeteuk says his punishment is to buy them all a bottle of soju (and a can of soda for Henry) from the store a few blocks from here. Inevitably, Shiwon tries to follow Hankyung as he leaves. Immediately, Eunhyuk and Shindong grab his arms and pull him away. Sungmin and Henry move in front of him, smiling and telling him that this is Hankyung's punishment alone. Hankyung looks back at him, smiles and says, "It's only a few blocks away, Shiwon. I'll be back in no time."
Shiwon holds Hankyung to that promise and gives up. He sighs heavily, still worried, frown never leaving his face. The members don't make it easier for him, too. They tease him relentlessly while Hankyung is away, teases him how he's acting like a girl, how he's becoming Hankyung's second mama, how he's almost like an overprotective lover even though he isn't. Then the teasing escalates to something else; they tease him how his love for Hankyung is more than that of brothers, how he should just tell his feelings to the elder boy before someone snatches him away.
He gamely whines and pouts and refuses all that at first, knowing that everyone means well and that they're just restless and stressed from all their practicing. Henry and Zhou Mi, who are there because they aren't doing anything at home, keeps to themselves at first. Then Heechul pulls them and forces them to join in and Shiwon begins to hear even more "evidence" that he, indeed, loves the elder boy. He's still game about it and he jokingly agrees to some (which shocks everyone into silence), then he laughs and says he's only joking; everyone groans and teases him more.
The laughter distracts Shiwon for a while. But when Hankyung doesn't come 'in no time' like he promised, Shiwon begins to stop responding, begins to ignore the others' teasing and laughter. They notice and they tease him about it even more; how he's such a lovesick puppy and could he calm down because nothing can happen to Hankyung.
Their laughter stops, too, when it becomes clear that Hankyung's been gone longer than necessary. The silence is uncomfortable and tense and their teacher is hounding on them to start and where the hell is Hankyung?!
On the other side of the room, where all their bags are, they hear someone's phone ring. No one does anything for a while, then Shiwon's suddenly running towards the sound, throwing other bags away, ripping his own bag open to find his phone. When he does, he fumbles a bit as he answers the call.
Some members crowd around him, hovering nervously. Others stay in their places, but their eyes are locked at Shiwon. They watch as Shiwon's eyes enlarge, fear transparent within them. They watch as he seemingly freezes, mouth slightly open as if he can't believe what he's hearing. They watch as tears silently fall from his eyes, watch as his lips move but no sounds come out, watch as his breathing begins to hitch, slowly, painfully, as if his heart is being ripped out.
Then Shiwon begins to yell and he throws his phone into the mirror, and he's screaming and thrashing and everyone's suddenly around him, surrounding him, yelling over each other trying to calm him down. Shiwon doesn't feel anything, but Kangin has his arms around him, holding on to him with all the strength he's got. He's shouting at Shiwon, trying to make him listen to them, trying to make him say what had happened. When he does, everyone stops what they're doing and they listen and they freeze and they feel cold and numb and guilty. Shiwon whispers it at first, then he's yelling again, yelling at them, accusing them, shouting that it's their fault, that it's their fault Hankyung's gone, their fault because if they had just allowed him to go with Hankyung this wouldn't have happened! He's yelling and he's angry and livid and so blinded by that anger he doesn't see he's hurting everyone, too.
But then his voice gives out and he feels he's consumed all the energy he has left and he sees and notices how everyone is still, notices how everyone is silent and pale and unmoving and some are crying and shocked and they're guilty; they're guilty for something none of them could have done anything about.
It's how he realizes his accusations are wrong, because it's no one's fault, no one could have known, no one could have known this was going to happen. And he feels it, feels their hurt and pain and he's sorry, he's sorry because it isn't their fault. So he moves, towards Kibum because he is nearest to him, moves and begins to apologize.
Then the room begins to spin and shake, begins to tumble and turn and move and move and move. Upward, then down, then sideways over and over and over. His head is hurting from the spinning, and his stomach begins to churn. He takes in deep breaths, trying to calm his body down but it doesn't work. His vision is becoming blurry and everything just keeps on spinning and spinning, round and round until Shiwon can't recognize where his friends are anymore. So he stumbles, trying to fight the nausea, trying to reach his friends, trying to make up for his stupid accusations and he fails, because the room begins to spin even more and shake even more and he doesn't even know if he's still walking or not, if he's still breathing or not, if he'll ever wake up from this nightmare.
Somehow, he feels his shoulder tingle. It's soft at first and he doesn't notice it. But the feelings grows so he concentrates on that, concentrates on the feeling to bring him back where he's supposed to be. Suddenly, darkness. And then light and someone is there, shaking him by the shoulders, voice tired but filled with concern. He still feels the spinning and he's still feeling a little nauseaous so he concentrates on that voice, using it to wake himself up. Slowly, he begins to feel the spining stop, feels that he isn't lying down but is sitting on something soft and a bit cold. He hears the voice much clearer now, realizing with a start that it is Eeteuk.
"Hey," Eeteuk whispers, "Shiwon, wake up."
Shiwon stirs and groans a little. Then he opens his eyes and sees Kibum lying on the couch beside him, head in his lap, eyes a little swollen as if he cried himself to sleep. He stares at the younger boy for a while, trying to remember how and why. Then he looks at Eeteuk who is smiling sadly at him and he remembers.
"Still no news from Hankyung hyung?"
Eeteuk sighs and his eyes grow sadder and Shiwon can't help but feel guilty he asked. He shakes his head and says, softly, quietly, so that Kibum won't wake up and hear, "No, still no news. No one's been able to connect any calls to China since those planes crashed. It's a huge disaster so it's no wonder, really."
Gently reaching out to take Eeteuk's hand in his own, he asks, "Teukie hyung, do you think... do you think Hankyung hyung's still alive?"
Shiwon knows Eeteuk doesn't know the answer, and he knows this question hurts the elder boy more than the first one, but. Eeteuk understands, though. So he smiles, squeezes Shiwon's hand as comfortingly as he could and says, "Many, did not ride their planes, Shiwon. We all know that. I'd like to believe that Hankyung didn't."
It's enough for Shiwon; Eeteuk sees that and he smiles a little better this time. Patting him on the shoulder, Eeteuk says, "Stay for the night, okay? I already called your house and they agreed."
Shiwon nods, unconsciously brushing stray strands of hair away from Kibum's face. Then he looks at Eeteuk and smiles, "Thank you, hyung."
"It's nothing. At a time like this, what we need most is each other. And besides," Eeteuk says with a little laugh, "We've always been stronger together, right?"
---
Shiwon finds everyone in the kitchen in a while. Ryeowook and Sungmin are by the stove, trying to make a decent meal for everyone. Shiwon tries hard not to look at their vicinity though, beacuse he always seems to imagine someone else humming happily while cooking there.
"Why don't some of us sleep while some wait?" Eeteuk suddenly says, surprising everyone. "None of us has gotten any sleep yet. It's... well, unhealthy."
Heechul scoffs, looks up from his drink and says, "I don't think anyone will want to do that, hyung. Not when we know that he can call anytime."
The silence that engulfs them is thick again, but there is something other than depression there, something like hope, because for the first time since they heard the news, Heechul is being optimistic. It lifts their mood a little, their lips beginning to lift into a smile. Soon, the silence is comforting, because they finally allow themselves to believe.
They revel in each others presence for a while, and then, as if the weight of the world has been lifted off their shoulders, they begin to smile and laugh and be themselves again. It takes less than a minute for them to create the usual chaos they do. The kitchen is messy and filled with so much noise that Shiwon misses the sound of his phone ringing.
Sungmin, who is nearest the living room, hears it so he yells, "Wonnie!" with a voice suspiciously tinged with his usual sweetness, "I think someone's calling you!"
Shiwon stops his argument with Donghae, listening. Donghae stops as well. Then, probably out of curiosity, everyone, too, is suddenly silent. Shiwon hears his ringing tone, frowns because he doesn't know who will want to call him at this hour, then walks towards the living room where their bags are scattered all over the floor. He walks over the other members' bags, trying to find his own. When he does find his bag, he opens it; suddenly, he feels his heart beat a little faster than normal, and he finds himself thinking, 'I've done this before, haven't I?'
Frown deepening, he answers the call.
It's only static at first, then, softly, Shiwon hears a, "...boseyo? Yeoboseyo? Shiwon, are you there? Can you hear me?"
Shiwon stills immediately, body tense, face pale, breath becoming heavier by the second. He turns around slowly, facing the others who are looking curiously at him. At the sight of his tenseness, Eeteuk, Ryeowook and Sungmin are instantly beside him, eyes filled with so much worry and fear and hope all at the same time. Beside Ryeowook, Donghae's there as well, asking him who it is. Eunhyuk shushes Donghae, hugging the boy from behind, preparing both of them for whatever it is Shiwon is about to say. Shindong follows behind Sungmin, gently taking the others' hand, sqeezing it gently, smiling at him as encouragingly as he could. Kibum and Kyuhyun lag behind everyone, but their eyes are questioning and fearful and hopeful. Kangin walks behind Eeteuk, slinging an arm over his shoulders, offering Eeteuk what strength he can. Yesung and Zhou Mi are beside each other, eyes glued to Shiwon, waiting for his news with bated breath. Heechul stands beside Henry, laying a hand over their youngest's shoulder, trying to offer as much comfort as he can.
"...hey, hey! Yah, Shiwon! Can you hear me?! It's so hectic here it's a miracle I got through to you! So please, if you're there, talk to me! I don't think the call can hold on for long, so please!"
Though he wants to, Shiwon can't seem to make himself talk. Instead, he listens intently, closely, trying to ignore the static, trying to hear that accent the boy they've been worrying about is known for. He keeps on listening and listening, and it worries the others more because he isn't moving, isn't speaking or breathing. Then, slowly, finally, he whispers, "Y-yeobseyo? Yeobseyo?"
On the other end of the line, safe somewhere in China, Hankyung laughs and he's yelling and shouting and it seems like he's crying all at the same time. He's mixing his Korean and Chinese, too happy, too filled with joy at hearing the younger man's voice.
"YAH! YAH! Shiwon! I felt so guilty for not taking that flight before, because it's nearly Christmas and the next flight won't depart till late 23rd. I wanted to celebrate Christmas with everyone so much, but the storm, it was terrible! When I heard the news that the plane had crashed, I didn't know whether to be happy that I wasn't on it, or sad because there were many people there. Then, I-I couldn't connect a call with anyone of you! I'm sorry, did I worry you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't contact all of you fast enough! I-I hope you guys hadn't been worried too much about--,"
"Hyung," Shiwon says, interrupting Hankyung's tirade, "Just get home safe back to us, okay?"
Shiwon doesn't hear Hankyung's reply though, because the moment the word 'hyung' and 'get home back safe to us' trickled from his lips, everyone is suddenly shouting. Heechul's suddenly beside him, trying to grab his phone from his hands. At the same time, Eeteuk is doing the same. Soon, almost everyone is in a scuffle to get the phone. Shiwon doesn't let go, of course, and he wins in the end. Finally, for the first time since they heard the news, Shiwon smiles genuinely.
"Hankyung hyung, remember, come home safe to us, okay? We're all going to wait for you here."
Safe and alive in China, Shiwon hears Hankyung laugh. And for some reason, his heart begins to beat a little faster than normal, his cheeks are suddenly a little warmer than before, his eyes, suddenly twinkling with so much happiness. "I'll be there soon, Shiwon. I'll be home together with all of you soon."
---
When Hankyung comes home from China, it's 2 AM in the morning on the 25th of December. He expects no one to be awake, so he silently inserts his key, turns it and opens the door. He pads noiselessly inside their dorm, careful not to disturb anyone sleeping.
He is surprised, however, when he finds fourteen figures huddled in the living room, talking amicably with each other, eyes alight with so much joy and happiness. He can't help but stare for a while, amazed he is a part of his miracle. Smile growing, he lets himself be known and suddenly, everyone is around him.
Sungmin, Ryeowook and Henry are crying as they hug him; he doesn't understand, not knowing that they had to wait very, very long for his call, but he pats them on the back comfortingly and hugs them in return. Somewhere at his back, Shindong is yelling; he's obviously happy and Hankyung realizes for the first time since he came back from China that he had missed this. In front of him, Kibum is smiling widely at him; Hankyung smiles back, truly happy to see the younger man. Yesung pulls Ryeowook off of Hankyung, smiles at Ryeowook and takes his place. He only gives Hankyung a short hug, but Hankyung laughs and returns the hug anyway. Then Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun are in front of Hankyung; there are tears in both their eyes, but they aren't tears of sadness anymore. Hankyung knows so he smiles back, greets Zhou Mi in Chinese and to Kyuhyun, shaky Korean. Kyuhyun laughs and Zhou Mi laughs with him and suddenly, they're being pulled back by Kangin and Eeteuk allowing him to breathe and compose himself. Then a second passes by and it's Eeteuk who's hugging him this time. Hankyung feels relief and extreme joy in that hug, and he relishes it for as long as he can.
Then Eeteuk is being pulled by Heechul, but this time, instead of a hug, Heechul's yelling at Hankyung; he's yelling and yelling and yelling and crying and Hankyung sees and crosses the distance between them, disregards Heechul's threats and wraps his arms around the elder boy. Heechul tries to push away, but Hankyung is strong and doesn't let go. Then Hankyung's whispering something to Heechul and Heechul finally smiles and laughs and gives Hankyung's shoulder a punch and suddenly, all is right with the world again.
Then Shiwon's there, smile brighter than anyone else, and he's moving and moving and crossing the distance between them. Hankyung looks up at him, smiles that smile Shiwon's come to love and Shiwon laughs and pulls the elder man into his arms and he's hugging him, hugging him and swearing to himself that he'll keep him safe and that he'll never, ever let go.
Shiwon breathes deeply, tightening his hold around the other boy, a little afraid that this is a dream. But the room doesn't spin, nor does it crumble and break. He holds Hankyung close, basking in the elder boy's presence. And then, softly, softly, so that even Hankyung doesn't hear, Shiwon whispers, "I love you, hyung. I love you more than anything in the world."
Then quickly, as if he hasn't just spilled his entire soul, he pulls away and inspects Hankyung thoroughly. The other boy tilts his head, chuckles at his actions and says, "Are you looking for your gifts? I'm sorry I had to leave them in China. I'll get them back soon, I promise."
Shiwon laughs loudly at that, and so does everyone else, because Hankyung doesn't need to.
Just by being there, he's already given them the most perfect present.
---
Merry Christmas, everyone!<3
pairings: shiwon, hankyung
genre: general, drama
rating: pg13
Kangin is walking back and forth, back and forth, frown set deep, trying to calm himself.
On the couch, Eeteuk is biting his lip, tears visible though not falling.
Beside Eeteuk is Sungmin; he is crying openly, arms around Shindong, trying to find comfort within the warmth of his friend.
Eunhyuk is holding Donghae on the floor; he hasn't shed a tear himself, hoping to give Donghae a little bit more strength.
Heechul locked himself in his room when they heard; no one has heard anything from him since, but, because they're all hurting, even though they want to, they don't check up on the elder boy, knowing that it is his way of dealing with things.
Yesung, Ryeowook and Henry are in the kitchen, hoping some coffee, or tea or warm, comforting chocolate, would calm them down.
Kyuhyun was in front of their wii when the news came; he is still there now, shocked, unmoving.
Zhou Mi tries his best to comfort the younger man, silently weeping for himself, for everyone and for Kyuhyun; he feels a bit helpess, because they were just together only moments ago, so he cries, too, for the life that should still have been there with them.
Shiwon is sitting on a chair, in the living room where all of them are; he seems as if he's handling the news calmly, but in truth, inside, he isn't. He's shouting at himself, angry, frustrated, dying.
Geng had been the world to him.
Unable to take the silence, he stands up. He catches a glimpse of everyone and, for a moment, he feels his eyes sting. Biting his lip, he turns away quickly, not wanting to cry, trying to be strong for all of them. He breathes deeply and it calms him down. His tears assuaged, he walks, though he has no idea where to go. All he knows is that he doesn't want to see his friends like this because they're usually so full of life. He stops, remembering why. Frowning, he shakes his head and keeps himself from thinking about that.
Suddenly, the room spins. Faster and faster, in circles, around him, above him, hanging, moving, moving, moving. He's swaying and stumbling and moving and he's afraid, terrified, confused. He turns to everyone and finds them strangely calm, strangely unmoved. His confusion piles and piles and piles, he doesn't understand. What is happening? What should he do? What should he do?!
He tries to move, tries to fight the swaying, the circling, spinning. A yell is forced out of him when everything begins to melt, begins to crumble and break. Amidst the spinning and the swaying and the crumbling and breaking, shaking begins. Slow at first, then faster, harder, violent. His head is hurting and he's in pain, he's in pain and he's confused and he doesn't know what to do. He cries out, tries to reach his friends, tries to find a way to be with them because he doesn't want to be alone.
But with Geng gone, what else is he but alone?
Finally allowing the tears to flow, he sobs. He shuts his eyes, uncaring now, unfeeling. He hasn't thought of a world without the elder boy, so he isn't prepared, isn't ready, isn't himself anymore. He cries and cries and cries, allowing the spinning to consume him, allows the shaking to bring him down to his knees. He winds his arms around himself; tighter, tighter, until he's numb, and cold and...
'Hyung?'
'Are you all right? Shiwon?'
'Yah! You idiot, wake up! Wake up!"
Groaning, he stirs; he feels the spinning suddenly come to a halt, feels he's lying on something smooth and soft and comfortable, feels hands on his shoulders, shaking him.
Shaking him?
He opens his eyes finally, and squints, allowing his eyesight to adjust. He sees three figures hovering over him, swaying, moving, fidgeting. They move closer when they see he is waking up.
"Hyung, are you all right?" one of them asks again.
He frowns, stretches his tired muscles, and croaks a, "I think so."
"You were having a nightmare. Your thrashing woke Hae up, then he woke me up and I woke Heechul. He's not happy about it, but whatever. Do you want to talk about it?"
It's amusing, and on normal occasions he would have laughed loudly, but it's different tonight.
That dream, that nightmare, it felt so real.
"Hey, he says he's fine," Heechul scoffs, "Can we all go back to sleep now?"
"Ah hyung! How can you be so cold? It was a really bad nightmare! I don't think I can sleep anymore, and I was only watching him!"
Shiwon sits up gingerly while his friends bicker. A small smile appears on his face, thankful for the distraction. In the dark room, Shiwon doesn't recognize it is Eeteuk's hand over his own.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks again, the sincerity of his voice comforting him. "We need to get up in an hour anyway. Go to the kitchen and have tea with me? It'll make you feel better."
Smiling, Shiwon accepts. Donghae, who claims he can't sleep anymore, asks if he could come, too. Shiwon chuckles, as well as Eeteuk, and they nod, creating a smile on the younger boy's face. Heechul sighs beside him. Giving him a quick hug, Heechul whispers a, "You made me worry," softly so that no one but him hears. Shiwon smiles brightly at him, gives the elder a longer hug and stands up, walking with the others to the kitchen.
A few more minutes, the four of them are settled comfortably around the table, making small talk, allowing Shiwon to ready himself enough to say whatever it is that had haunted his sleep. Maybe it is coincidence, Eeteuk thinks as he watches Donghae, Heechul and Shiwon laugh, that the younger man, in one of the days he stays the night with them, to have a nightmare.
Shiwon sobers suddenly; the three of them notice and keep silent.
Hesitantly, Shiwon asks, "Can I go see Hankyung hyung?"
Shiwon expects Eeteuk to say no, because the other dorm is far and it's still dark and you're going to see him later anyway. He expects Heechul to scoff and roll his eyes and say that he's acting like a girl again. He, too, had been expecting Donghae to laugh and reach out and hug him.
Shiwon had been expecting many things.
But,
He doesn't expect Eeteuk to look at him strangely, doesn't expect Heechul openly showing his worry, doesn't expect Donghae to reach out and say, softly, "H-Hankyung?" in a voice tinged with concern and a little bit of fear.
Shiwon looks at them, preparing himself, expecting to realize that his nightmare had not been just a nightmare after all. So he swallows thickly, bites his lips and asks, "W-where is he?"
His friends share a glance among themselves when he asks. Shiwon thinks they're deciding how they're going to tell him that Hankyung's gone. Feeling his heart breaking into pieces again, he waits for them to answer him.
Instead of answering him, though, Eeteuk looks at him, worriedly and asks, "Shiwon, who is Hankyung?"
Shiwon doesn't take the question well. His eyes grow big, brows raising high, breath beginning to hitch.
Who is Hankyung? Eeteuk had asked.
What in the world is happening?!
"Shiwon, Shiwon," Eeteuk says, standing up, walking to him, trying to calm him down, "Shiwon, sssh. It's all right, it's all right, we'll figure things out. We'll figure it out, I promise. We'll find this Hankyung, we'll find him. We'll help you Shiwon, we'll all find him."
Shiwon shakes his head, over and over and over again. "Hyung," he whispers, voice grave, eyes already filling with tears, "Hyung, don't you know who Hankyung hyung is? Are you making this up? Are you joking with me? Because this isn't funny, hyung. I was just dreaming about him, hyung. Hankyung hyung died in my dream. Hankyung hyung... Hankyung hyung died in my dream, hyung! I know it's a dream, I know it's a nightmare, but please hyung! I want to see him! I want to see for myself that he's really all right! I want to-I want to- please, hyung! Please tell me!"
"Shiwon," Heechul says, face painted with worry, heart aching because Shiwon is hurting and he has no idea what to do, "Shiwon, we said we'll find him, didn't we?! So calm down and--,"
"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN YOU'VE FORGOTTEN SOMEONE WE ALL KNOW?!" Shiwon yells, almost panicking, heart beginning to break into tiny, tiny pieces again. He takes in a shaky breath, looks at his friends in front of him and continues softly, "How can I calm down when all of us should know who he is and all of you seem to have forgotten?! Heechul hyung, he's your best friend! How-how can you pretend to forget who he is! Please, don't kid with me. I need to know!"
Eeteuk, Donghae and Heechul stays silent when he finishes. They don't know what to say, because they know that anything they do will only aggravate the other man. Unsurprisingly, it is Donghae who finds the courage to speak, "Hyung, I'm really, really, really sorry but...," looking straight into Shiwon's eyes, Donghae sadly whispers, "We don't know who he is. The four of us... it's only been us for many, many years. Don't you remember? You brought me here when I had nowhere else to go and I've never been as happy. Teukie hyung was your hyung at school and-and Heechul... You're together, right? You love each other, right? You've been together for as long as I can remember. Both of you, you're happy together; you're always so happy together... Don't you remember, hyung? If Hankyung and Heechul are friends, how come Eeteuk and I haven't met him. If we should know who he is, how come I haven't even heard his name before?" reaching out, Donghae lays his hand on Shiwon's shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, hyung. But... maybe the dream felt so real to you that it somehow convinced you that this person is real? I mean, well, I don't know if that's possible but... I know I don't know any Hankyung."
"No!" Shiwon yells, shaking his head hard, "Hankyung isn't a dream! Don't tell me you've forgotten?! Don't you remember? Super Junior, thirteen of us, one Chinese member? What about SJM?! You, me, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun and Hankyung hyung --Han Geng gege. Don't you remember any of that?!"
About to shake his head, Donghae stops when Heechul says, "Wait a minute. Did you just say, 'Han Geng'?"
Shiwon turns to Heechul, eyes already holding a little bit of hope. "Yeah, Hankyung hyung's Chinese name is Han Geng."
"Han Geng... you mean, that Chinese superstar? The first foreigner who debutted and hit it big in Korea? And, who was also on the news a while ago?"
"Ah, that one?" Eeteuk suddenly asks. Turning to Shiwon, he says, "You knew him? I didn't know that. I'm sorry, Shiwon."
Shiwon pauses for a second, then he frowns and asks, "Hyung, what do you mean, 'I knew him'? Why are you saying sorry?"
"You were already sleeping when the report came, hyung," Donghae answers, "On his way back to China, Geng's plane crashed. No survivors had been found yet but they don't think anyone can survive a crash like that," eyes suddenly understanding, because Geng had been Shiwon's friend and the dream could have been Geng's way of telling Shiwon that he's gone, Donghae reaches over and clumsily pulls Shiwon in an embrace. Then, softly, he says, "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry your friend is gone."
As soon as the words leave Donghae's lips, Shiwon breaks from the hug, he stands up quickly, pushing Eeteuk, who is at his back, a little too roughly to the wall. Hearing Eeteuk gasp in surprise, Shiwon whirls to see if the elder boy is fine. But when he does the room begins to shake, and then spin, and then melt and crumple and break. His head begins to hurt and throb and he feels his chest constrict in pain. Suddenly, he finds it hard to breathe, finds everything begin to blur and mix and break up and crumble and fall and he's falling, he's falling and he doesn't know what to do, doesn't understand what's happening or why. He can't figure out what's a dream and what's not a dream anymore. He lets himself fall, allowing the darkness to consume him again.
But instead of darkness, it is light that swallows him.
"Shiwon-sshi," someone says, "It's morning. Would you like to eat breakfast?"
He opens his eyes, a little afraid, and he finds their house helper leaning over him. He blinks dumbly at her for a while. When he sees her frown in concern, he quickly smiles at the old lady, gingerly sits up and sighs. Holding his head in his hands, he chuckles. Is this a dream, too?
"Shiwon-sshi, are you all right?"
Shiwon looks up and smiles again, nodding. He gets out of bed, follows her to the kitchen and tries to forget that nightmare.
He finds he can't, of course.
Shiwon had never been the superstitious type, at least, not outside his religion. But the dreams --maybe it meant something, maybe it didn't. Either way, he didn't want to risk not doing anything and find that it did.
---
He's with the others in a matter of hours and finds he can push the thought at the back of his mind with the chaos all fifteen of them always make. He's smiling and laughing and joking around with them and soon, he feels like everything's normal.
Until, somewhere in the studio, he hears Hankyung yell. He freezes, dreams coming back to haunt him again, and he's almost afraid to turn around and see. He feels someone pull his arm, finds it's Heechul and suddenly, he's in front of a sheepishly smiling Hankyung.
"Sorry," he's saying, scratching the back of his head, "I slipped."
Heechul's shouting at Hankyung, who is still sitting on the floor, gingerly rubbing his ankle, for scaring him, and then Eeteuk's there and he knows Hankyung and he's lecturing him about being careful around the dance floor because it's always a bit slippery and he should know that, he should know that because they've been rehearsing their dances here for more than three years.
"Shiwon, help me up."
Shiwon finally looks at Hankyung then. But he's still shocked and a bit frozen and he can't seem to shake the nightmare away from his mind just yet. So he's just staring at the others' hand dumbly. It's not until Heechul elbows him on his side that he gathers himself again to pull Hankyung back on his feet. Hankyung's looking at him worriedly, and so are Eeteuk, Heechul and everyone else there.
"Are you all right?" Yesung asks, "If you need to take a break, just tell us." Jokingly, and in an attempt to lighten the mood, Yesung says, "You can always swap with Zhou Mi and no one would be able to tell. Not with twelve other people there dancing with him. You two have similar profiles anyway, people watching from afar won't be able to tell the difference."
Somewhere in front of him, Zhou Mi says, in a tone that clearly says he's pouting, "Very funny, Yesung hyung," and suddenly, everyone is laughing. Some are already going to Zhou Mi to console him. Some, like Eeteuk, are still looking worriedly at him.
"Are you really feeling all right, Shiwon?"
Shiwon chuckles a little, suddenly sick of hearing that question. He nods, "I'm fine, hyung. Just had a bad dream."
Eeteuk smiles at him, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Must have been really a bad dream, huh?"
Shiwon takes a glance at Hankyung, who is getting hounded on by Heechul, turns back to Eeteuk and smiles, albeit, a strained one. "Yeah," he says, "It was a nightmare. A real bad one."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Eeteuk asks, "We can go talk about it over lunch, if you want."
"It's okay, hyung," Shiwon replies, "I'm fine, really. I'm over it already."
"Are you sure, Shiwon?"
Taking another glance at Hankyung, who is laughing, joking around with everyone, and alive, he nods. "I'm sure, hyung."
---
Shiwon isn't all right, of course.
He's become fidgety and a little paranoid, but he continues to practice, continues to rehears and dance and sing and pretend like nothing's wrong.
No one notices it for a while. But when Hankyung suddenly barks at him to 'Stop it!', everyone beings to watch Shiwon's actions a little closer than before.
They watch as he eyes Hankyung's every move and every step as if obsessed. They watch him hover over the elder boy, shooting panicked glances left and right; above them and below them, as if something would attack Hankyung. They watch as he pulls Hankyung away from the balcony, away from the rooftop, away from sharp and pointy objects, away from anything that had the potential of harming him. They all think it's cute at first, because they know Shiwon and Hankyung are closest with each other, but as the minutes tick by and as Shiwon's actions grow even more panicky, even more obsessed and protective, they begin to think that something's wrong; that something is bothering Shiwon so much for him to act like this.
Eeteuk mentions that Shiwon said something about a dream to him moments ago. It is accepted as an answer to Shiwon's strange behavior, so everyone just smiles fondly at Shiwon's actions, pegging it as his way of showing his love to the elder boy. They don't think about it anymore afterwards, allowing Shiwon to fuss over an amazingly patient Hankyung. Some think it's funny though. And because Shiwon is always fun to tease, Kangin, Heechul and Eeteuk, who, with their words, converts everyone else to join their cause, decides to do just that.
The first step to their plan is to separate the two. It's proving to be difficult, because Shiwon doesn't cooperate and keeps on tailing Hankyung as if it is a matter of life and death. About to give up, they get their chance when Hankyung loses one of their games during their break. Hankyung complains about it at first, just like always, but just like always, he laughs and accepts his loss and gamely asks what the punishment is this time. Eeteuk says his punishment is to buy them all a bottle of soju (and a can of soda for Henry) from the store a few blocks from here. Inevitably, Shiwon tries to follow Hankyung as he leaves. Immediately, Eunhyuk and Shindong grab his arms and pull him away. Sungmin and Henry move in front of him, smiling and telling him that this is Hankyung's punishment alone. Hankyung looks back at him, smiles and says, "It's only a few blocks away, Shiwon. I'll be back in no time."
Shiwon holds Hankyung to that promise and gives up. He sighs heavily, still worried, frown never leaving his face. The members don't make it easier for him, too. They tease him relentlessly while Hankyung is away, teases him how he's acting like a girl, how he's becoming Hankyung's second mama, how he's almost like an overprotective lover even though he isn't. Then the teasing escalates to something else; they tease him how his love for Hankyung is more than that of brothers, how he should just tell his feelings to the elder boy before someone snatches him away.
He gamely whines and pouts and refuses all that at first, knowing that everyone means well and that they're just restless and stressed from all their practicing. Henry and Zhou Mi, who are there because they aren't doing anything at home, keeps to themselves at first. Then Heechul pulls them and forces them to join in and Shiwon begins to hear even more "evidence" that he, indeed, loves the elder boy. He's still game about it and he jokingly agrees to some (which shocks everyone into silence), then he laughs and says he's only joking; everyone groans and teases him more.
The laughter distracts Shiwon for a while. But when Hankyung doesn't come 'in no time' like he promised, Shiwon begins to stop responding, begins to ignore the others' teasing and laughter. They notice and they tease him about it even more; how he's such a lovesick puppy and could he calm down because nothing can happen to Hankyung.
Their laughter stops, too, when it becomes clear that Hankyung's been gone longer than necessary. The silence is uncomfortable and tense and their teacher is hounding on them to start and where the hell is Hankyung?!
On the other side of the room, where all their bags are, they hear someone's phone ring. No one does anything for a while, then Shiwon's suddenly running towards the sound, throwing other bags away, ripping his own bag open to find his phone. When he does, he fumbles a bit as he answers the call.
Some members crowd around him, hovering nervously. Others stay in their places, but their eyes are locked at Shiwon. They watch as Shiwon's eyes enlarge, fear transparent within them. They watch as he seemingly freezes, mouth slightly open as if he can't believe what he's hearing. They watch as tears silently fall from his eyes, watch as his lips move but no sounds come out, watch as his breathing begins to hitch, slowly, painfully, as if his heart is being ripped out.
Then Shiwon begins to yell and he throws his phone into the mirror, and he's screaming and thrashing and everyone's suddenly around him, surrounding him, yelling over each other trying to calm him down. Shiwon doesn't feel anything, but Kangin has his arms around him, holding on to him with all the strength he's got. He's shouting at Shiwon, trying to make him listen to them, trying to make him say what had happened. When he does, everyone stops what they're doing and they listen and they freeze and they feel cold and numb and guilty. Shiwon whispers it at first, then he's yelling again, yelling at them, accusing them, shouting that it's their fault, that it's their fault Hankyung's gone, their fault because if they had just allowed him to go with Hankyung this wouldn't have happened! He's yelling and he's angry and livid and so blinded by that anger he doesn't see he's hurting everyone, too.
But then his voice gives out and he feels he's consumed all the energy he has left and he sees and notices how everyone is still, notices how everyone is silent and pale and unmoving and some are crying and shocked and they're guilty; they're guilty for something none of them could have done anything about.
It's how he realizes his accusations are wrong, because it's no one's fault, no one could have known, no one could have known this was going to happen. And he feels it, feels their hurt and pain and he's sorry, he's sorry because it isn't their fault. So he moves, towards Kibum because he is nearest to him, moves and begins to apologize.
Then the room begins to spin and shake, begins to tumble and turn and move and move and move. Upward, then down, then sideways over and over and over. His head is hurting from the spinning, and his stomach begins to churn. He takes in deep breaths, trying to calm his body down but it doesn't work. His vision is becoming blurry and everything just keeps on spinning and spinning, round and round until Shiwon can't recognize where his friends are anymore. So he stumbles, trying to fight the nausea, trying to reach his friends, trying to make up for his stupid accusations and he fails, because the room begins to spin even more and shake even more and he doesn't even know if he's still walking or not, if he's still breathing or not, if he'll ever wake up from this nightmare.
Somehow, he feels his shoulder tingle. It's soft at first and he doesn't notice it. But the feelings grows so he concentrates on that, concentrates on the feeling to bring him back where he's supposed to be. Suddenly, darkness. And then light and someone is there, shaking him by the shoulders, voice tired but filled with concern. He still feels the spinning and he's still feeling a little nauseaous so he concentrates on that voice, using it to wake himself up. Slowly, he begins to feel the spining stop, feels that he isn't lying down but is sitting on something soft and a bit cold. He hears the voice much clearer now, realizing with a start that it is Eeteuk.
"Hey," Eeteuk whispers, "Shiwon, wake up."
Shiwon stirs and groans a little. Then he opens his eyes and sees Kibum lying on the couch beside him, head in his lap, eyes a little swollen as if he cried himself to sleep. He stares at the younger boy for a while, trying to remember how and why. Then he looks at Eeteuk who is smiling sadly at him and he remembers.
"Still no news from Hankyung hyung?"
Eeteuk sighs and his eyes grow sadder and Shiwon can't help but feel guilty he asked. He shakes his head and says, softly, quietly, so that Kibum won't wake up and hear, "No, still no news. No one's been able to connect any calls to China since those planes crashed. It's a huge disaster so it's no wonder, really."
Gently reaching out to take Eeteuk's hand in his own, he asks, "Teukie hyung, do you think... do you think Hankyung hyung's still alive?"
Shiwon knows Eeteuk doesn't know the answer, and he knows this question hurts the elder boy more than the first one, but. Eeteuk understands, though. So he smiles, squeezes Shiwon's hand as comfortingly as he could and says, "Many, did not ride their planes, Shiwon. We all know that. I'd like to believe that Hankyung didn't."
It's enough for Shiwon; Eeteuk sees that and he smiles a little better this time. Patting him on the shoulder, Eeteuk says, "Stay for the night, okay? I already called your house and they agreed."
Shiwon nods, unconsciously brushing stray strands of hair away from Kibum's face. Then he looks at Eeteuk and smiles, "Thank you, hyung."
"It's nothing. At a time like this, what we need most is each other. And besides," Eeteuk says with a little laugh, "We've always been stronger together, right?"
---
Shiwon finds everyone in the kitchen in a while. Ryeowook and Sungmin are by the stove, trying to make a decent meal for everyone. Shiwon tries hard not to look at their vicinity though, beacuse he always seems to imagine someone else humming happily while cooking there.
"Why don't some of us sleep while some wait?" Eeteuk suddenly says, surprising everyone. "None of us has gotten any sleep yet. It's... well, unhealthy."
Heechul scoffs, looks up from his drink and says, "I don't think anyone will want to do that, hyung. Not when we know that he can call anytime."
The silence that engulfs them is thick again, but there is something other than depression there, something like hope, because for the first time since they heard the news, Heechul is being optimistic. It lifts their mood a little, their lips beginning to lift into a smile. Soon, the silence is comforting, because they finally allow themselves to believe.
They revel in each others presence for a while, and then, as if the weight of the world has been lifted off their shoulders, they begin to smile and laugh and be themselves again. It takes less than a minute for them to create the usual chaos they do. The kitchen is messy and filled with so much noise that Shiwon misses the sound of his phone ringing.
Sungmin, who is nearest the living room, hears it so he yells, "Wonnie!" with a voice suspiciously tinged with his usual sweetness, "I think someone's calling you!"
Shiwon stops his argument with Donghae, listening. Donghae stops as well. Then, probably out of curiosity, everyone, too, is suddenly silent. Shiwon hears his ringing tone, frowns because he doesn't know who will want to call him at this hour, then walks towards the living room where their bags are scattered all over the floor. He walks over the other members' bags, trying to find his own. When he does find his bag, he opens it; suddenly, he feels his heart beat a little faster than normal, and he finds himself thinking, 'I've done this before, haven't I?'
Frown deepening, he answers the call.
It's only static at first, then, softly, Shiwon hears a, "...boseyo? Yeoboseyo? Shiwon, are you there? Can you hear me?"
Shiwon stills immediately, body tense, face pale, breath becoming heavier by the second. He turns around slowly, facing the others who are looking curiously at him. At the sight of his tenseness, Eeteuk, Ryeowook and Sungmin are instantly beside him, eyes filled with so much worry and fear and hope all at the same time. Beside Ryeowook, Donghae's there as well, asking him who it is. Eunhyuk shushes Donghae, hugging the boy from behind, preparing both of them for whatever it is Shiwon is about to say. Shindong follows behind Sungmin, gently taking the others' hand, sqeezing it gently, smiling at him as encouragingly as he could. Kibum and Kyuhyun lag behind everyone, but their eyes are questioning and fearful and hopeful. Kangin walks behind Eeteuk, slinging an arm over his shoulders, offering Eeteuk what strength he can. Yesung and Zhou Mi are beside each other, eyes glued to Shiwon, waiting for his news with bated breath. Heechul stands beside Henry, laying a hand over their youngest's shoulder, trying to offer as much comfort as he can.
"...hey, hey! Yah, Shiwon! Can you hear me?! It's so hectic here it's a miracle I got through to you! So please, if you're there, talk to me! I don't think the call can hold on for long, so please!"
Though he wants to, Shiwon can't seem to make himself talk. Instead, he listens intently, closely, trying to ignore the static, trying to hear that accent the boy they've been worrying about is known for. He keeps on listening and listening, and it worries the others more because he isn't moving, isn't speaking or breathing. Then, slowly, finally, he whispers, "Y-yeobseyo? Yeobseyo?"
On the other end of the line, safe somewhere in China, Hankyung laughs and he's yelling and shouting and it seems like he's crying all at the same time. He's mixing his Korean and Chinese, too happy, too filled with joy at hearing the younger man's voice.
"YAH! YAH! Shiwon! I felt so guilty for not taking that flight before, because it's nearly Christmas and the next flight won't depart till late 23rd. I wanted to celebrate Christmas with everyone so much, but the storm, it was terrible! When I heard the news that the plane had crashed, I didn't know whether to be happy that I wasn't on it, or sad because there were many people there. Then, I-I couldn't connect a call with anyone of you! I'm sorry, did I worry you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't contact all of you fast enough! I-I hope you guys hadn't been worried too much about--,"
"Hyung," Shiwon says, interrupting Hankyung's tirade, "Just get home safe back to us, okay?"
Shiwon doesn't hear Hankyung's reply though, because the moment the word 'hyung' and 'get home back safe to us' trickled from his lips, everyone is suddenly shouting. Heechul's suddenly beside him, trying to grab his phone from his hands. At the same time, Eeteuk is doing the same. Soon, almost everyone is in a scuffle to get the phone. Shiwon doesn't let go, of course, and he wins in the end. Finally, for the first time since they heard the news, Shiwon smiles genuinely.
"Hankyung hyung, remember, come home safe to us, okay? We're all going to wait for you here."
Safe and alive in China, Shiwon hears Hankyung laugh. And for some reason, his heart begins to beat a little faster than normal, his cheeks are suddenly a little warmer than before, his eyes, suddenly twinkling with so much happiness. "I'll be there soon, Shiwon. I'll be home together with all of you soon."
---
When Hankyung comes home from China, it's 2 AM in the morning on the 25th of December. He expects no one to be awake, so he silently inserts his key, turns it and opens the door. He pads noiselessly inside their dorm, careful not to disturb anyone sleeping.
He is surprised, however, when he finds fourteen figures huddled in the living room, talking amicably with each other, eyes alight with so much joy and happiness. He can't help but stare for a while, amazed he is a part of his miracle. Smile growing, he lets himself be known and suddenly, everyone is around him.
Sungmin, Ryeowook and Henry are crying as they hug him; he doesn't understand, not knowing that they had to wait very, very long for his call, but he pats them on the back comfortingly and hugs them in return. Somewhere at his back, Shindong is yelling; he's obviously happy and Hankyung realizes for the first time since he came back from China that he had missed this. In front of him, Kibum is smiling widely at him; Hankyung smiles back, truly happy to see the younger man. Yesung pulls Ryeowook off of Hankyung, smiles at Ryeowook and takes his place. He only gives Hankyung a short hug, but Hankyung laughs and returns the hug anyway. Then Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun are in front of Hankyung; there are tears in both their eyes, but they aren't tears of sadness anymore. Hankyung knows so he smiles back, greets Zhou Mi in Chinese and to Kyuhyun, shaky Korean. Kyuhyun laughs and Zhou Mi laughs with him and suddenly, they're being pulled back by Kangin and Eeteuk allowing him to breathe and compose himself. Then a second passes by and it's Eeteuk who's hugging him this time. Hankyung feels relief and extreme joy in that hug, and he relishes it for as long as he can.
Then Eeteuk is being pulled by Heechul, but this time, instead of a hug, Heechul's yelling at Hankyung; he's yelling and yelling and yelling and crying and Hankyung sees and crosses the distance between them, disregards Heechul's threats and wraps his arms around the elder boy. Heechul tries to push away, but Hankyung is strong and doesn't let go. Then Hankyung's whispering something to Heechul and Heechul finally smiles and laughs and gives Hankyung's shoulder a punch and suddenly, all is right with the world again.
Then Shiwon's there, smile brighter than anyone else, and he's moving and moving and crossing the distance between them. Hankyung looks up at him, smiles that smile Shiwon's come to love and Shiwon laughs and pulls the elder man into his arms and he's hugging him, hugging him and swearing to himself that he'll keep him safe and that he'll never, ever let go.
Shiwon breathes deeply, tightening his hold around the other boy, a little afraid that this is a dream. But the room doesn't spin, nor does it crumble and break. He holds Hankyung close, basking in the elder boy's presence. And then, softly, softly, so that even Hankyung doesn't hear, Shiwon whispers, "I love you, hyung. I love you more than anything in the world."
Then quickly, as if he hasn't just spilled his entire soul, he pulls away and inspects Hankyung thoroughly. The other boy tilts his head, chuckles at his actions and says, "Are you looking for your gifts? I'm sorry I had to leave them in China. I'll get them back soon, I promise."
Shiwon laughs loudly at that, and so does everyone else, because Hankyung doesn't need to.
Just by being there, he's already given them the most perfect present.
---
Merry Christmas, everyone!<3