Remember When ~ Chapter Thirteen - part two-
At 8.23 am, Kazuya opened the door once again and it was the same person with the same mysterious smile he wore last time there was a package delivered. There was another present, Kazuya squealed inside his mind and suddenly became very enthusiastic.
“As time goes by, you remain the most special person. Enjoy the second phase.” He heard the delivery man say with a bow. Jin was such a tease.
The younger took with trembling hands the red wrapped package and murmured a small thanks before closing the door and rushing back to his living and settling himself onto the couch, his eyes never leaving the present. It was so cutely wrapped and it had the same Jin feeling the other had before. His heart was pounding loudly and he was dying of curiosity. But still he didn’t want to unwrap the package, he still wanted to prolong the moment - he was such an M.
Kazuya licked his lips nervously and slowly tore the wrapping, carefully not to damage it or the thing inside it. He took it off with a serious and anxious expression and his lips curled into a small smile seeing the covers of an apparent book. It wasn’t Jin’s style to offer books as presents, but upon seeing the black leather tied with a red ribbon Kazuya knew it wasn’t a book.
It was a photo book.
His heart skipped a beat, anxiety and curiosity taking over him. Kazuya loved photos. There were different kind of them; there were the ones that spoke of beauty, others that whispered of wisdom and tranquility and there were the simple ones that showed the you from before and the ones you treasured and still do so.
He bit onto his lower lip and settled himself on the couch, feeling all warm and fuzzy, let aside curious and anxious about the whole album thing. He opened it and a collage of the two of them when they were younger. A message accompanied it.
Memories are precious.
But mine are the most precious in the world.
Because they’re all about you.
Just close your eyes… and think of my voice.
Somehow, this came naturally. Kazuya closed his eyes for a moment and all he could hear was Jin’s voice singing Eternal. It would be a lie if he said that he didn’t think of this song as theirs. In a way or another, it was.
Kazuya turned the page and a smile flourished on his lips, his eyes looking at their baby pictures. Jin’s message made his heart tremble and he was sure he heard a sound - the sound of love. He touched slowly the pictures, his fingers shaking a little. The next page followed and he allowed himself a chuckle at the silly picture that followed. He felt happy and sad at the same time; happy for their meeting and sad for those wonderful times to have passed so quickly and never really had cherished them like he does now. Remember when was a good name.
Kazuya smiled sadly and happily in the same time while he flicked through the pictures, stopping from time to time, lingering over some and thinking about the moments when they were best friends.
Remember when we used to hang out every day?
Yes, he remembered those days clearly. He would never forget them even if he was to hit his head and be diagnosed with temporary amnesia; because they will always be kept deep in his heart and surely they will surface some way or another.
Remember when we went to Okinawa?
Yes, Kazuya could remember that trip like it has been yesterday. He could still recall the sound of waves, the howling of the wind and Jin’s clattering teeth as he was cold. Kazuya remembered how he embraced the older man, holding him close, to offer him his body warmth. It is indeed their special place.
The following message made him laugh loudly, remembering that special day. He never mentioned why he was so determined to be a good cooker. It wasn’t his mother influence, it wasn’t his ambition - though there was a bit of both - it was simply Jin. Seeing him smile satisfied after eating his cooked meal, Kazuya knew that he had to be the best if he wanted that smile to never disappear from his lips.
“I’m sorry, honey.” Kazuya muttered caressing their picture in which he was feeding Jin. “For hitting you.” He added with a small chuckle and flipped the next pages.
He grinned smugly when he read Jin’s answer about baseball. Kazuya thought the same about soccer.
…really is the best sport in the world.
The following picture had a message regarding KAT-TUN. A bittersweet feeling crept into Kazuya’s soul, but he kept on smiling.
Remember when KAT-TUN was formed?
They were really alike. He felt the same happiness that Jin felt, he knew that his place was there, next to them, right in the middle of them. Right beside Jin. That happiness… he would never forget it no matter how much time it will pass. It was his special happiness. And now it was Jin’s too.
Kazuya blushed upon seeing the next photo and its message. He never realized he was being watched, he never thought that Jin was the one watching him, especially when he was the one that woke up first and secretly enjoying the sleepy face of Jin’s. Kazuya chuckled and thought that both of them were plain idiots. They loved each other way before they even come to realize.
And there has never been someone else in his dreams.
Kazuya laughed softly at the following pictures, realizing that there had been so much going on in Jin’s mind and he simply didn’t realize. They were such foolish friends, so oblivious and so in love with each other. His hand trembled a little when he came across one of his Shuuji pictures and read the message quickly, trying to ignore the sigh of relief.
Remember when you debuted as Shuuji to Akira?
I was mad.
I was furious.
But not because you weren’t with us anymore.
Not because you weren’t with me.
But because I was afraid I would lose you.
He hissed through his teeth as he closed his eyes thinking about that time. No one said anything about this kind of debut, but it wasn’t necessary. In KAT-TUN, words weren’t necessary; they already knew what the other was thinking. And Kazuya knew his band mates’ thoughts, but he never expected Jin’s to be this one. It seems that he hadn’t thought everything through. He didn’t pay a closer attention to Jin and he missed the real reason.
“You stupid…” he muttered, pouting a little. “…definitely won’t lose me, not when I just found you.”
I only remember your warm hand tucked safely into mine.
If Jin only remembered this when he returned from L.A, then Kazuya only remembered having him back. Leaving and coming back to him. That happiness was the same as he felt when KAT-TUN was formed. Their bond was once again strong.
Jin was the only one to make him change his moods like that. One moment he made him feel all warm and fuzzy, now he made him feel embarrassed and wanting to kill him. And this simply because of the sailor picture of him and because Jin requested him to wear once more. As if he hadn’t been the most embarrassed back then to want to do it again.
But maybe he could still sneak off the sailor uniforms from the staff…
The next picture made him teary. Reading Jin’s message didn’t make it better at all. Kazuya bit onto his lower lip, knowing very well that he and Jin would never have a real family. There wouldn’t be a child’s laughter or cry, there wouldn’t be the joy Jin always wanted to have. Yet still, his baka wanted to have a family with him. Even if there wouldn’t be kids to take care of. Even if there would just be the two of them.
“I love you…” Kazuya muttered letting a single tear fall down his cheek as he turned the page.
Definitely Jin was the only person who could make him change mood as one changing socks. He was now laughing, seeing the picture and reading Jin’s silly message. Indeed, how rude of that photograph to interrupt them!
“You better find a better place to say how much you love me…” Kazuya said though there was no one to hear him.
The next picture was with him holding a camera. He smiled remembering the day Jin bought it and how he became so overly enthusiastic and took photo after photo. And he was just as surprised as Jin - he didn’t expect to immerse himself that much into photography. He looked once more at the photo and blushed a little as he remembered the day that shot of him was taken.
“I was thinking how lucky we were to have met under the same sky.”
Then he turned the page and he was thunder-struck. He didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh or to kill a certain someone. He read the message and frowned, but his frown melted into a beautiful smile.
“You don’t own me, Bakanishi.” He muttered again clearly aware that there was no one to hear him. Because he was totally lying. Jin did own him the same way he owned Jin too.
His lover did know how to make Kazuya know Heaven and Hell in the same time. The younger suppressed a sob, once again realizing that he will never be able to offer Jin children. They could adopt, sure, but… it will never be the same. He looked at the photo once more and realized that a child between the two of them was his dream too.
“Of course I’d be her father, baka!”
Nee, Kazu, remember when we used to be best friends?
We’ll never be that again.
Kazuya frowned at the message, not really getting what Jin meant by this. If they are lovers it doesn’t mean that they aren’t best friends anymore, right? But nevertheless, the photo was a great one and he intended to ask Jin to give another one to him. He wanted to have it framed and displayed it in their bedroom. He blushed at the thought, but it felt right. Their bedroom…
Kazuya turned the page and once more he was thunder-struck. He looked unbelieving at the photo wondering when the hell Jin managed to get such a shot of them?!?! He read quickly the message and understood what Jin was trying to get at.
Because now…
We’ll be something more.
“You didn’t need to put such an H photo, baka!” Kazuya hissed, his cheeks a deep shade of red. “You’re so going to kill me someday…” he sighed and took another peek before closing the album. That’s when he saw the back cover filled with…
I love you.
Kazuya smiled brightly and felt his heart clench at the happiness he was feeling in that precise moment. Jin was the best thing that happened to him.
“Love you more.” He stuck his tongue out, laughing ashamed at his silly self.
*
He already figured out Jin’s pattern. He didn’t remember when the first present arrived but he sure knew the second’s time arrival. It was around 23 minutes after the clock struck twelve. So, now he was waiting for his next, because he was sure that there would be another one coming.
Kazuya jumped as he heard the bell rang the exact moment he checked his watch and showed 9.23 am. He rushed to the door, his childish curiosity getting the best of him. He enjoyed receiving presents and until now Jin proved to be best birthday present giver. He just couldn’t wait to get his hands on his boyfriend’s surprise.
He opened the door anxiously and again, the same delivery man stood in front of his door. This time he held out a box wrapped with red paper and a note attached to it. He took it quickly, his eyes curious and expecting.
“Someday, we’ll catch the same ball. Enjoy the third phase.” The delivery man said and Kazuya frowned a little upon hearing the words. Nevertheless he thanked and smiled before closing the door and quickly going back into his bedroom this time. He had left the album there alongside with the smaller vase, while the larger one was in his living. He flopped down onto his bed, curious about what Jin sent him this time. Like the last time, he carefully unwrapped the box, not wanting to damage its content or the paper itself. He didn’t read the note, he’ll do it after he’s seen the present.
And there it was. A glass box in which a baseball ball had been put. He looked at it with round eyes, not wanting to believe that it was what he thought it was. He turned it to the left and saw the writing on it, his face breaking into a huge grin.
For Jin from Kazu ♥
This was from their first baseball match, Kazuya remembered. Jin had done a good job, but also had lost terribly. So, being the little kids they were, Kazuya thought of consoling him with his own baseball ball. He wrote that message secretly wanting to never let Jin forget from where he had that ball. Kazuya smiled at this memory. He took then the note which made him smile even more.
Do you still have my soccer ball?
Of course he’d have it, Kazuya laughed as he jumped off the bed and went to his special drawer where he kept all his precious memories. He opened it and there it was - Jin’s soccer ball. It wore the same message as his...
For Kazu from Jin ☆
They were both silly kids back then. Innocent and naive, without knowing anything about real life. They were good together back then... and they are now too.
Kazuya kept spending the following hour dwelling on his memories with Jin.
*
He had forgotten about the following present as he searched for photos of them during their Junior time, as he re-read letters they secretly sent to each other and as he sat silently in his warm bed, reminiscing over and over again his time spent with Jin; time he thought of very dearly precious.
Therefore, the fourth rang of the doorbell brought him to reality with a little surprise. He dashed quickly from his bedroom, wondering what had his boyfriend prepared this time. Until now, he sent to him reasons for his love, memories and proof of their love. Kazuya was curious of how these ideas were born. If the answer would be something cheesy like “because of you”, he wouldn’t deny the happiness he’d feel.
Kazuya opened the door and the same delivery man handed him another box, this time in the shape of a book. It was once again wrapped with glittery paper and little shapes of heart were all over it. Sweetness overflowed from this present and it was even cheesier than his thought earlier. Jin never ceased to amaze him in his choices.
“With a smile you can change the world. Enjoy the fourth phase.” The delivery man said and with the same mysterious smile he fled from Kazuya’s door not before handing him the present.
The younger closed the door and rushed quickly back into the house. He wondered if there was another photo album if he was to take after the shape, but a small shake announced him that it might be something else. As curiosity got the best of him, he stopped in his tracks and started to unwrap the present. It revealed to be a video cassette on which it was written “For Kazu with all my love.” The boy smiled and got inside his bedroom and put the video on as he settled in his bed, holding in his hands the photo album Jin sent it.
The happy birthday message filled the screen and Kazuya couldn’t help but smile.
Words can never explain what we feel.
They don’t have the power to express our raw feelings.
But our memories can.
Our past can say more things than words.
We just have to remember.
The younger nodded silently as memories of their past together flowed in and he found himself once more nostalgic over those lost times, but so precious. A sob escaped his lips and Kazuya wondered why Jin was doing such a thing now… why was he remembering the past when they had the present and the future together? Of course, they’ll remember their hard times together, their wonderful times too, but now they should simply enjoy what they have. Past will only bring memories and feelings long forgotten but now bloomed into beautiful ones.
Soon the image changed and it showed him in a car and talking. He quickly came to recognize that the footage was from during their Break the Records Tour and he was filming in Okinawa. The scene that was playing in front of him was the one when he talked about Jin, about how they would fit each other, having a relationship based on mutual feelings and understanding. Kazuya felt his cheeks burning, he had long forgotten about that opinion regarding him and Jin. The footage ended and a photo of the two of them filled the screen. His voice - from Kase by Kase! - could be heard. It was from its first broadcasting radio shows, when he had given his opinion about each member of KAT-TUN. He had described Jin as being almost equally the same as him. He had taken care of him since then…
Kazuya couldn’t help but let himself be soothed by the memories of that time, by the slowly fading feelings of those moments spent together. Probably if he had to offer another opinion of Jin, it would be changed just slightly. The image changed and the following words appeared next.
The Kamenashi Kazuya in Akanishi Jin’s eyes
The younger one’s interest immediately perked up. Not that he wasn’t interested before, it was just Jin usually doesn’t say his opinions about others but prefers to show casually a friendly or a mild attitude towards even those he doesn’t like that much. Although Jin is hasty in his actions, he would never go on and tell someone straightforwardly what he truly thinks. He’ll stammer in his own words, because this was never his strong point.
When I first saw you, I thought ‘Oh, what a weird kid’ but even so, I found myself wanting to talk with you, to know more about you.
The years passed and our friendship became stronger.
Our peak was in GOKUSEN days, wasn’t it? :) We were together the whole time, morning and night. We did everything together - eating, sleeping, traveling.
You were always next to me, helping me, taking care of me. You always knew to do the right thing and you used to drag me after you so that I won’t get in trouble either.
I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for you. I don’t think I would be the same person I am today if I hadn’t met you.
Now it’s my turn to take care of you.
So… just trust me and don’t worry about anything.
And… I want to tell you something.
Something that I hadn’t been able to properly say it until now.
So listen.
So he listened, but when he saw himself playing with a tiger-toy, Kazuya couldn’t help but burst in laughter, ashamed of his childish self, though not that much. He wondered what Jin intended with this footage of him and when it finally ended… his breath stopped.
I love the you who is cute.
The younger pouted with a happy expression, thinking that Jin better love every side of him, even the worst ones, because he surely felt such love for him. For the silly Jin, for the stubborn Jin, for the shy Jin, for the angry Jin, for the super cute Jin… for everyday Jin that fans will never get to know, Kazuya felt love that sometimes it threatened him to choke with the intensity it had. He was still surprised at this feeling that he came to have, aware that it had been growing inside of him for a long time.
Kazuya sighed, but soon he came to face many faces of him - laughing, concentrating, bullying, smiling, crying, being childish… All of these Jin showed in his present video and Kazuya had no doubt that Jin loved him as much as he loved the older. Because after each scene, after each side of him shown there would be the words I love you. Such simple but full of meaning words squeezed his heart, pumping it with happiness. There wasn’t a need for words like trust me when he loves Jin so much, when they love each other this way, when he does trust Jin with his all being, most of his decisions being led by the only person that mattered so much in his life - Jin. Without him, he was incomplete, without his presence in his life… he was just an empty shell.
Kazuya smiled while watching the next clips and I love yous, because it was obvious that there would be more of this, more of what will make him cry as he’d normally do at a sappy romance film. Some of the videos and messages made him laugh and feel embarrassed, in the same time, promising to pay it back to Jin. But nonetheless, he felt happy seeing that Jin went through such trouble to find old footages of him, of them… just for his birthday. It showed Kazuya how much their past meant for Jin, but also how he had grown to love Kazuya to the extent he does today.
How could have he had not seen it until now? All those times spent together, all those awkward moments and all those cheesy smiles and fluttery touches they would share off and on-camera… why did he consider them to be nothing more than proves of friendship? Nothing more than their bond of friendship? Kazuya did not have an answer or maybe he did. Maybe he had been scared and had chosen to be oblivious to such feelings, to consider them as love for friends than to recognize their true face and to lose Jin. How stupid - from that time he had been afraid of losing Jin and he knew now that the more you squeeze, the quicker it will slip through your fingers. And so it has been.
I love the you who is shy.
Of course he’d be shy when they were suddenly supposed to film together after all the time they had been separated and looked at each other like strangers! But still... he’ll never forget the moment he entered that room and they were supposed to film together. His heart was beating fast and he couldn’t stop from smiling - he even had to bit his tongue! - and now that he was re-watching it... Jin had been the same. Fluffy, stupid idiots.
Kazuya watched the rest of the video with a huge grin on his face, laughing and smiling sadly as he remembered all of it, thinking of how it felt back then. He would always treasure those memories... especially those with Jin. It was his little treasure chest hidden under the tree in his heart’s yard.
And he would never give the key away.
PART THREE