Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Twenty-first | part three

[fighter_of_moon]

PART TWO



He was somehow starting to dread mornings as he never knew what to expect from them. It had been two days since the last time he had seen Kazuya, but Jin felt like he would see the younger one in any moment now. He knew that Kazuya hadn’t given up and that he probably won’t do it either any soon, not if Jin wasn’t going to do something about it and stop all of this madness.

But what?

He stretched his body and took a deep breath as he opened his eyes for the first time of the day. The sun was out but there were still a few hours until he’d have to be at some studio to record another interview which will basically be the same as the others he had done in the last couple of days. He had always hated this about the Japanese entertainment, there were rules that they all followed and if someone didn’t obey them, they would get cut out from the stars and ultimately lose their fame. He couldn’t say that he didn’t agree with it - it was rather comforting to be talking about the lyrics of his song rather than his private life - but it was kind of boring to be saying the same words countless times.

Besides, the song was rather difficult to deal with as it was expressing all of his feelings towards Kazuya and every time Jin was singing it, he would feel the same pain he had felt the first time he had sung it in front of the younger one, their eyes locked and their feelings bare. In the end, he hadn’t managed to write a new song for his Japanese single as he had been asked so Ueda had been forced to help him, but Jin had never believed that he will regret this as much as he was doing today, forced to sing the same words that were torturing him immensely.

With a sigh, Jin left his bed and went to the kitchen to drink that hot coffee that he had been yearning for since the moment he had opened his eyes. He scratched his left side with his right hand, still feeling sleepy and like he should have stayed in bed for at least a couple more hours, but sleep hadn’t been visiting him that much lately and even less since the whole situation with Kazuya had turned into… something else, even Jin wasn’t sure what.

He opened the door to his kitchen, vaguely remembering that he would usually leave it open but not enough to wonder why was it closed now, and his eyes widened at the sight that greeted him, something that he had never expected to see.

The table was full with food, pancakes, scrambled eggs and toasted bread being only a few from Jin’s favorite dishes that were now displayed on the table and which seemed to have been prepared for him as his breakfast. He frowned, not understanding who had done such a thing and who had barged into his house just to make him a meal when something clicked in his mind - Kazuya. Kazuya still had the key from his apartment as Jin perfectly remembered the day when the younger one had come to him to deliver back the flowers that had been sent to him.

“Oh, God.” Jin whined, realizing that things were getting out of control and that Kazuya was starting to lose his mind more and more, with each second that passed. Getting mad, he threw the coffee that had been waiting for him - and ignoring the slight pang of disappointment from his heart as Kazuya’s coffee had always been the best - and put the machine to prepare another one, furiously going to the bathroom to take a shower and forget about this horrible morning. Once again, Kazuya had managed to wake him up completely without much effort.

It took him less than an hour to get dressed and drink his morning coffee, taking his phone, wallet and keys before leaving the apartment. He’ll take care of the food to throw it out later, now he just wanted to clear his mind and be able later to put the fake smile on his lips.

He almost expected Kazuya to appear suddenly next to him, maybe when he was giving the interview or when he was getting changed or even when he was getting his make-up done by the artist, but Kazuya hadn’t appeared at all the whole day and Jin could only sigh in relief at the thought that the younger one had given up - at least for the day.

With a tired movement, Jin threw his shirt off of him as soon as he entered his apartment, not wanting anything more than to take a bath. “Oh, God, it’s like my whole body is sore.” He complained to no one, stretching his body and smiling to himself as he made his way to the kitchen to drink a glass of water before sinking into that hot water that now sounded more than wonderful to his ears.

What awaited for him made Jin actually feel scared.

The food from that morning was all gone - but it had been replaced. It seemed that Kazuya had gone to the trouble of cooking for him dinner and yet again making all the food that he loved. Jin felt his body trembling in fear, needing something to hold on as this whole thing was creeping him out. Was Kazuya following him? Had he asked people about his schedule to know when was Jin going to be back home? The food was still warm which meant that Kazuya must have left earlier and that he was probably still somewhere near, waiting for his next chance to scare the shit out of Jin.

Kazuya was going mad.

It didn’t last long until fear was replaced with anger and Jin took all the food and threw it into the trash, busying himself with taking out the garbage as he didn’t want anything of what Kazuya had left into his home. He loved the younger one, but what he was doing now was wrong and it made him look like a stalker, like someone who was obsessed with Jin and that couldn’t separate love from other feelings like addiction to something wrong, to controlling Jin’s life.

He growled as he shut the door closed behind him, throwing a glance at the now clean kitchen like he was half expecting to find Kazuya there. He didn’t though and Jin took a deep breath, deciding to go and take a long bath, hoping to forget about all this nonsense and… What was that sound?!

Jin practically ran to the bathroom and froze in the door’s frame as another scary sight which had been meant as a lovely one greeted him. The water was running and was enveloping the bathroom into a warm fog, making it pleasant to be standing there after a hard day. He could smell different aromas and Jin recognized some of them as being Kazuya’s favorites, cursing himself in the next moment because he could still remember such a detail about the younger one. There were even a few rose petals spread above the water, giving Jin shivers as he wondered what was going through Kazuya’s mind and what was he hoping to gain by doing this.

Because if he had meant to scare him, then he was succeeding it.

He took a step back and turned in the next second, hurrying to find his phone which he had left somewhere in the kitchen. He took it and dialed the first number that he could think of - “Tat-chan? Please help me.” Jin pleaded with a breaking voice, closing his eyes and feeling how every bit of strength was leaving his body. “Please.”

*

It was just like the mornings he used to have in the past - the mornings when he was supposed to go and wake Jin up. Kazuya had thought of how to slowly remind Jin about what they had shared and how they could have everything back if he accepted him again and forgave him in the same time as well. He had decided to take small steps and recreate the moments they had lost because of his stupid mistake.

So what better method than to make use of the key Jin had given him back then where they were lovers? He had planned everything carefully, wanting to surprise the other one and to make him realize that he wasn’t going to leave like the last time - he meant to stay now. Therefore, even if it was eight in the morning, he was at Jin’s door and ready to set up his plan. It was like their first night together all over again - the emotions, the excitement, the warmth and the fear were sweeping over him just like waves over the shore. It made him slightly anxious and he knew that before he’d finish this day, he won’t be leaving Jin’s apartment very soon now.

Therefore without wasting more time, he slipped inside carefully, looking out for a sleepy Jin, although he was aware that there were little chances for that sleep-lover to be awake at this hour. He hurried to go to the kitchen, laying down all the bags he had brought, quickly starting to make every dish that he knew Jin loved. After all, it does say that love passes through a man’s stomach, no?

And Kazuya intended to take full advantage of this, it was the least he could do.

Yet when he finished and hid himself away from Jin, all of his hopes came crashing just like rocks falling off cliffs. Because Jin hadn’t even touched his food, treating it like it was something barely edible. All emotions he had been experiencing before coming to Jin’s apartment were now frozen and Kazuya felt sickly discouraged as he got out from his hiding as Jin had chosen to leave the place as soon as possible. Somehow, he liked to think that it was because he was late to an appointment and not because of what he had done, because of his surprise that hadn’t proved pleasant to Jin.

With a sigh, he sat down and looked at all the food wasted away, wondering why wasn’t the other one accepting at least this from him. Was it that difficult to leave a small window for them or were all the bridges burnt down? Another sigh followed and Kazuya stood up this time, starting to gather everything, putting it away to take out. It was the mess he created, so it was his duty to clean after all.

Yet he couldn’t actually give up this easily, could he? He’d be a fool if so, because he had done so much till now only to turn away because Jin still didn’t want to accept him. He just had to move on until he’ll have no purpose anymore.

So, without thinking negatively any longer, he went out to buy other ingredients to cook Jin dinner as he hoped the other one will be there in time for it. A few hours passed since he had left the singer’s apartment and when he returned, he had the same sizzling sensation in his body as his heart beat faster and faster as if he was trespassing some stranger’s threshold. In reality he was trespassing, but… he was allowed, right? After all, he only wanted to surprise Jin and to make him feel good and remind him about their happy times together.

Taking a quick glance at the clock, he hurried to prepare everything, thinking that it was better to finish earlier than to finish later and have Jin catch him. In two hours, everything was set and as Kazuya noticed that it was already dark outside, his heart started on another race of itself as he expected Jin any time now. He went to hide into the guest bedroom, trying to calm himself down and not to think negative as the other one might react the same as he did in the morning.

He only had to wait for half an hour until the entrance door was heard and Kazuya went stiff on the bed, his eyes glued to the bedroom’s door.

“Oh, God, it’s like my whole body is sore.” Kazuya heard Jin say out loud and he thought of how after a good meal, a massage might be appropriate, but since the singer didn’t know about his presence in the house, he couldn’t actually go and do this for him. Another method to relax a sore body was to take a long bath, but he couldn’t go and turn on the water, making Jin aware of his presence at the moment either. He could call a masseuse, but would the singer appreciate this? No, he would probably shut the door in the masseuse’s face and then all will be for nothing.

He stood thinking for a few minutes before he heard Jin making a ruckus in the kitchen and somehow, Kazuya knew what was happening in there - Jin was throwing his food again, making him feel useless once more. He creaked the door open, wanting to leave, but just then the kitchen’s door flung open and an upset-looking Jin went out, carrying out the garbage. Kazuya’s heart squeezed at the sight, knowing that just like in various occasions, Jin was throwing him away.

As soon as the front door was closed shut, Kazuya wanted to exit, but as he passed the bathroom’s door, he stopped and hesitated. Maybe the food had been a little too much, yet a bath might do miracles? Kazuya wondered and before he properly realized what he was doing, he entered the bathroom, quickly filling the tub with warm water and adding some oils in it - good thing he had bought some at the super since he hadn’t been able to help himself, seeing his favorite bath oil in there, together with some dried petals. He added some bubble bath too, thinking that it was nicer than some simple and oiled bath.

With a little hum, he added le pièce du résistance - the dried petals of rose, now poignant with their scent. He stood up quickly and looked at his work before he hurried to the bathroom’s door, creaking it slightly, to make sure that no one was there and apparently he was in luck - no Jin in sight. So without wasting anymore time, he left, promising to come back later with a better surprise, not like those with the food, because he really hoped Jin will enjoy his bath.

After all, the singer had never refused a long bath prepared by Kazuya. He used to say that it always managed to relax him completely. Maybe this hadn’t changed over the years. Therefore, with quick steps, he opened the door and exited Jin’s apartment, coming back later only after a couple of hours…

And once again, the key clicked open Jin’s apartment, making Kazuya’s heart hammer against his ribs as the other times. This was a feeling he will never get rid of - being here, sensing Jin everywhere around him, their memories and everything they had together printed in each wall of the apartment. It was overwhelming every time he entered this house. He tiptoed his way through the hall, hoping that Jin was either enjoying the bath he had prepared for him or maybe he was out so that Kazuya could arrange another surprise for him.

So he walked over until he reached the living room where he stopped dead in the obscure hallway. His heart took a huge leap to hell and came back to him, bringing all the pain that was there. Now he understood how Jin must have felt when he had seen him with Ryo, because he was feeling the same now as he was seeing Jin with Ueda.

Those two were on the couch, Ueda on top of Jin, wearing only bath towels around their waists as if they had just taken a bath. Of course. Kazuya’s world crumbled down again as he realized that the bath he had lovingly prepared for Jin had been used for their love-making. It was just perfect! Kazuya’s lips twitched as he saw Ueda leaning and kissing Jin like he used to, sudden anger sweeping over him.

“Wonderful.” He started clapping, revealing himself to the pair of lovers. “Why don’t you make a movie too?” Kazuya mocked them, his eyes glued to Jin’s ones. “One guy decides to forget another guy by fucking with another one. Sounds cliché, but hell, it works nowadays.” He smirked derisively, gripping the key he held in the palm of his hand. He wasn’t feeling the pain of the metal, he was just feeling the pain Jin was serving to him.

Jin tensed in Ueda’s arms and hid his face from Kazuya’s, not wanting to look at him or to be seen. He had called his friend to ask for help and Ueda had said that the most effective way to make the other one give up was to show him such a scene. Jin had been more than reluctant to agree, but he had given in eventually, accepting even the lack of clothes that Ueda had cheerfully proposed to make it seem even more realistic.

“Some other time maybe.” Ueda replied instead of Jin, knowing that the actor couldn’t even talk at that moment because it would be obvious then how fake all of this was. “Now we’re a little busy, so can you leave us alone?” he asked sweetly, tilting his head in a cute way and smiling sheepishly. “Lock the door before you leave, we don’t want any other interruptions.” Ueda added and proceeded to completely ignore Kazuya the next moment, turning back to Jin and kissing him again. It was obvious for him that Jin was a little surprised by this turn of events and that his body had turned stiff under him, his lips not responding and his eyes looking a little fearful, but Ueda promptly ignored it and continued his acting.

“You can lock it yourselves.” Kazuya mumbled lowly as he turned and let the key fall, rushing as fast as possible from there. It was the second time he was leaving this apartment broken-hearted. The first time had turned out to be a mistake, the second one… it was his punishment. But right now, Kazuya didn’t want to think about it anymore - the image of Jin and Ueda kissing will burn on his retina forever.

Back in the room, Jin could barely stop his cries for help.

*

He needed some time alone, somewhere where he could relax without having to think about Jin and his new acquisition which was another man than himself. So when some of his acquaintances called him out for a night in the club, Kazuya had been more than happy to agree. It was his way to deal with pain this time, because being alone meant only to think and rethink everything that had happened with Jin and every single mistake he had done in order to destroy their relationship.

Kazuya needed some time for himself, to drown all of his misery, trying to fake some fun. Well, it didn’t matter as he was already at the club - half an hour early - since he didn’t want to stay home even another second. He let his friends know that he had arrived and he found himself being led at a table, sitting all alone and waiting for them to come. He liked the place, not very crowded at this hour, but he was sure it was bound to get suffocating later in the night. Anyway, it wasn’t like he was bothered by this.

Fifteen minutes had passed and as he looked at the door, wanting to see if his friends had arrived already, his heart froze. Really, what were the chances that in the night he wanted to have fun - or at least pretend to - and he wanted to forget about his miserable love life, Jin was walking in the same club he was, a hoard of girls surrounding him? Well, there weren’t that many girls around him, but to Kazuya it was more than enough. It was really the worst, Kazuya thought bitterly as he ordered another drink, this time something that had alcohol in it unlike the juice he had previously ordered. He didn’t care about his company tonight as his eyes couldn’t unglue themselves off of Jin.

But somewhere in his staring at him, his friends had come inside the club, loud and cheering as they gathered at the table where he was, drawing attention upon them. And just a brief glance into Jin’s direction had Kazuya realize that the other one was aware of his presence. They stared at each other for a few moments before from both sides, they were brought back to reality. Kazuya knew that Jin wondered the same - why was this happening to them?

Kazuya sighed inaudibly and forced himself to forget that Jin was there and that he was with some girls with whom he might get up later and dance and… He shook his head and simply ordered some more drinks, thinking that tonight he really needed this, just to be able to forget. So one or two drinks turned into a few which turned into a whole bottle and before Kazuya knew, he was already drunk and slurring his words all the time. Damn, he was a poor drinker.

“Imma leave before ya all.” Kazuya announced his drunken buddies who gave several nods in his direction, having their own share of being wasted, so they couldn’t afford looking after a certain drunken turtle. With a last wave towards them, Kazuya dragged his feet towards the exit, making way through the dancing or moving crowd, he wasn’t sure which of these two was, and before he realized, he stumbled upon someone, stomping on his foot. “S-sorry.” He apologized and peered up at the man who didn’t seem pleased at all with his slurred apology.

“And what are you going to do about my foot?” The tall man asked, throwing a disgusted glare into Kazuya’s direction.

“Aaa… nothing?” Kazuya looked troubled and kind of confused as he didn’t quite realize what was wrong with the man’s foot, yet this answer was exactly the one that could drag someone into trouble.

“Are you fucking with me?!” The man asked and grabbed Kazuya by the shirt’s scruffs, lifting him a little. “Don’t think just because you’re drunk, you can get away with everything. You should properly apologize and even offer to pay for any disturbance. Or you’re not just drunk, but stupid as well?!” He shook the young actor a few times, watching how his head dangled drunkenly on his shoulders.

Kazuya smiled despite the feeling of wanting to throw up. “I’m sorry.” He looked at the man, his vision slightly blurred. “Can I go home now?” He then asked on a slight whiny voice, lifting his hands to push the man away from him.

“You’re some punk, huh.” The man said with disdain and grabbed Kazuya’s cheek, to look at his slightly red face and his shiny eyes. “You’d look great with some violet around your eyes, won’t you?” He then smirked and in his drunken state, Kazuya understood what the other one meant.

“I said sorry, can’t you just leave me aloooone?” Kazuya whined again, putting his hand on the other man’s shoulder, wanting him to let him go. “Or are you too idiot to do such a simple thing?” He then added, a sneer following shortly.

“You piece of shit.” The other one hissed and was just about to hit Kazuya when -

“He said to leave him alone.” Another voice was suddenly heard and the man’s hands were caught by someone else, forcing him to lessen his grip on Kazuya. Jin pulled the younger one behind him, one hand still placed on his arm as he didn’t want to lose the other one from sight, seeing how drunk he already was, and his eyes were carefully studying the unknown man, ready for anything.

“Who the hell you think you are?” The other man looked at Jin, annoyed that he had been stopped from teaching that little one some manners. “You’re that princess-looking boy’s boyfriend or what?” He laughed derisively and from Jin’s behind, Kazuya, as drunk as he was, tried to pull away. Even in this state, he didn’t want to create a scene now and most certainly, he didn’t want Jin involved in this mess.

“Yes, I’m his boyfriend and I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t leave him alone.” Jin hissed and threw a menacing glare at the other one, one that he knew it would intimidate anyone after he had won an award for that particular movie. “You can see he’s drunk and he already said that he’s sorry, so can’t you please leave us alone?” he then added with a calmer tone and kinder expression as he pleaded the man.

But before the other man could say anything, two of the security guards came up to them and put their hands on the troublesome man. “Is there any problem, Akanishi-san?” one of them asked, his eyes settled on Jin and not even caring who the other guy that had started now struggling and cursing them loudly was.

“No, nothing.” Jin replied, his voice worried as to show the guards that they were the victims. “He’s just drunk and I don’t want to cause a scene, so if you please…” he lingered on his words, his plea already obvious from the way Jin was looking at Kazuya.

The other men didn’t say another word and just turned their backs to Jin and Kazuya, pulling the third man after them to throw him out of the club and never let him come back again. Behind them, the actor growled and tightened his grip on Kazuya’s arm as he also pulled the younger one after him, dragging him to the back exit. “Come on, I’m taking you home.” He just said as an explanation over the loud music.

Kazuya followed silently, trying to keep his balance on his unsteady and drunken feet. But as soon as they reached outside the club, the younger one yanked his arm free, stumbling backwards a little. “I’m fine.” He slurred as he lifted his eyes to Jin. “Thanks for helping out.” He added and wanted to pass by Jin to grab a taxi. It didn’t matter that his world was swirling and swirling, he didn’t want to burden Jin any longer. He had already made him lie for his sake, because Jin was no longer his boyfriend, indifferently of how much he wished it to be true.

Jin growled, grabbing Kazuya by his arm again and pulling him back. “Don’t annoy me even more than I already am.” He just said as he started to drag the younger one yet again after him, heading to the parking lot where his car was and keeping a firm grip on the boy and a fast pace not to give him the chance to escape.

Kazuya didn’t walk quietly though, pulling away and trying to get away from Jin and his grip, but not succeeding.  “Let me go!” He hissed and almost slipped as his legs wobbled under his weight, if not for Jin. “You don’t have to force yourself, I am fine, you can go back to your…” He stopped, closing his eyes and struggling some more to get away, even though it wasn’t doing him any good. His head was slightly hurting and everything seemed to change their position. “I know I made you hurt, so better go, just leave me here. Someone will come.” Kazuya slurred the last words, closing his eyes as nothing seemed to stay in place. And maybe Jin will listen and leave him there.

Jin stopped this time, making the younger one bump into his back as he hadn’t been expecting such a sudden change. He turned around and looked at Kazuya with a scrutinizing gaze, narrowing his eyes as he seemed to want to know something only from the boy’s dark orbs. He didn’t say anything though and just let go of Kazuya’s arm, clutching down and grabbing his legs to lift him on his shoulder.

Then he continued his way.

“You idiot.” Kazuya closed his eyes even if his mouth didn’t stop from talking. “I know you don’t want me around you, I know that my presence hurts you more than anything now…” His hands fisted on the hem of Jin’s shirt. “That’s why, leave me. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, no, no…” He shook his head slightly, feeling something warm under his closed eyelids. “Even though I was so happy to hear you say that you’re my l-lover… I know you forced yourself, I know you want me out of your life… I know I should stay away, even if I can’t…” Kazuya kept talking even if Jin didn’t bother to say anything back. “I… let me go, Jin, I’m hurting you…” He started sobbing softly and tried to wipe his tears away.

Jin sighed and stopped in front of his car, putting the boy down and letting his eyes travel over the younger one’s expression. “Kazuya, look at me.” He demanded with a gentle voice and when the other one did, Jin let a small smile appear on his lips as a form of reward and he wiped Kazuya’s tears with his thumbs as his hands cupped the boy’s cheeks. “It’s true that I can’t be with you and I don’t know if I’ll ever could again.” He started but then he continued quickly, seeing that Kazuya had started to cry even harder. “But this doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or that I don’t worry about you.” He tried to explain, placing a short kiss on the boy’s eyelids to stop those tears from appearing again. “If you’re hurt, I’m hurt too. So please take care of yourself.” He pleaded, not wanting to ever see Kazuya in such a situation again, drunk and lost in a bar, fighting with unknown men and in danger. “Do this for me, okay?” Jin added, his smile widening a little as he tried to encourage the younger one, once more wiping his tears and letting his hands fall on the boy’s shoulders and then on his arms.

Kazuya lowered his head and hiccupped a little. “You’re cruel.” He whispered, feeling weak and vulnerable. “It would have been better if you hated me.” He continued and looked at Jin with a tired expression. “I could have pretended that it doesn’t hurt when you’re this gentle towards me.” The young actor sobbed and his body sank a little as his legs gave under him. “It’s funny… the last time we’ve been together in a club, you said you don’t know me.” He looked up at Jin and his expression was more than pitiful. “Now… you said I’m your boyfriend. But why does this time hurt more than the first one?” Kazuya closed his watery eyes. “I want to go back to that time…” He let his body fall as he couldn’t stand on his legs any longer, only to be caught by Jin. “Let me fall…” Kazuya mumbled incoherently in Jin’s arms.

The older one didn’t say anything, just tightened his hold on Kazuya to show the boy that he won’t let him go. Not now and not ever. Kazuya’s words hurt him as much as they hurt the younger one too, but Jin couldn’t change the way things were between them. No matter how much he loved him or how long Kazuya will try to prove his love to Jin, it didn’t matter because Jin could never place his trust in the boy again. And a love without trust… it was better let to fade away.

He knew that he was cruel. He knew that he was hurting Kazuya more with his kind words, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t able to turn his back on the boy like Kazuya had done when he had pretended not to care about him. He couldn’t hide his feelings and he didn’t even want to. He wanted Kazuya to know how much he loved him and how much he’d do for him. He wanted Kazuya to be aware of how much he still affected Jin or how much the older one also wanted to be with him again even if this wasn’t possible anymore.

Maybe he was too selfish to be thinking like this.

“Kazuya?” a voice was heard which made Jin look at the newcomer, his eyes studying the man that was now approaching them. “Oh, my God, is he alright?” the other one drew closer and the young actor opened his eyes and saw -

“Koki!” Kazuya exclaimed and made a move towards his manager. “Take me away, I’m making Jin suffer…” he pleaded, stretching his hand in a helpless manner towards Koki. He looked so pitiful that Koki felt like he was the one suffering. He had never seen Kazuya like this, but there was a first for everything. And apparently, Kazuya’s firsts implied a certain Jin Akanishi.

The manager looked at Jin and bowed his head a little. “I’ll take it from here, thanks.” He took a step closer, wanting to take the drunk and sobbing Kazuya from the arms of his first love and ex-lover.

Jin looked a little suspiciously at Koki, an eyebrow lifted as he seemed to ask who was he. “And you are?” he inquired, not really ready to let Kazuya go from his arms even if their embrace was crushing and painful.

Sometimes, it was better than nothing.

“He’s Koooki…” Kazuya mumbled against Jin’s chest, half cuddling in the embrace, half wanting to go to his manager.

“I’m Tanaka Koki, his manager.” The other one presented himself with another bow of his head. “I was supposed to meet with Kazuya an hour ago, but I got held up.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration. “Never thought he’d meet with you…” Koki mumbled, though very audible.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jin asked back, a slight edge to his tone as he looked at Koki with a gaze that demanded an explanation for his words, his grip on Kazuya not lessening even for a second. Did he know about the two of them? Had Kazuya told other people that they had been together or just that he was in love with Jin and that he was trying to make the older one accept him? How close was Kazuya with his manager actually?

“He’s asleep.” Koki said instead, his eyes softening at Kazuya’s sleeping face, even though it was all teary. He got closer to them and stretched his hands to take the younger, wearing an impassible expression as he looked back at Jin. The singer seemed reluctant to let go of Kazuya, but he did in the end, even if Kazuya’s fingers had tried involuntarily to grasp the shirt he had been holding onto. Koki looked at the younger one who sighed sleepily in his arms. “If you were wondering if I know about your relationship, I do.” The manager looked at Jin this time, his expression changing to a sour one. He then lifted Kazuya in his arms, amazed at how skinny he was now. “Just one thing before I go.” Koki said and even if he perfectly knew that this wasn’t his business, he couldn’t just watch Kazuya destroy himself because of love. “You’ve known Kazuya way before me and I believe you realized his dedication towards work. Since you’ve come back into his life, he has lost this dedication, though more likely, he cast it aside as something more important was worth his whole time and self.” He paused and secured Kazuya in his arms. “He’s destroying himself for you. It would be better if you leave this country before it’s too late and if…” Koki looked at Kazuya and a sad smile grazed his lips. “…if you love him, that is.” With this, he bowed again and turned with the younger actor in his arms, heading for his own car.

Jin could only look after them, Koki’s words circling in his mind and making him a little dizzy. What was the point now? He could definitely recall all those moments when he had asked Kazuya to give up work for him, when he had been hurt because Kazuya had always seemed to choose Ryo over him and when he had wanted to spend some more time with his lover only to be rejected because the younger one had work and he couldn’t leave. He knew that Kazuya was a responsible person and he had never said anything about him being hurt because of this as he knew that it was important for Kazuya - and Jin understood.

But now… now Kazuya was giving everything away just to be with him. He was casting away his whole life just to chase for Jin when the older one had told him that it was impossible, that their relationship didn’t have a future and that they wouldn’t last.

So… what was the point now? Kazuya was making all these sacrifices and Jin couldn’t respond to them, he couldn’t be happy for them because the only thing they brought was the younger one’s destruction and not a new beginning to their relationship. Then why was Kazuya so stubborn now when he had never wanted to show how much he also cared for the singer? Why was he doing these crazy and reckless things every time they saw each other and seeming more and more desperate with every meeting of theirs?

Jin didn’t know, but he was sure of one thing. As he watched Koki put Kazuya in his car and take off with him, Jin didn’t want anything more than to be in his place.