Remember When - Chapter Twelve
The fever, the tumoult, the screams that were only getting stronger. Jin felt like he could drown in all those feelings, like he didn’t need anything more if he had the stage and his fans cheering for him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sweet sensation that singing always gave to him and he let himself being engulfed by the song.
If I say do you love me,
Would you say Ye-Oh?
The loud cheering of fans gave him shivers. His body was trembling with excitement and he couldn’t stop the silly smile to form on his lips. This was his place, this was the place where he belongs. He had given up so much to be here, but Jin didn’t regret not even one decision that he had made in life. He didn’t have KAT-TUN anymore, but he had his crew so he felt a little bit better knowing that he won’t be alone on stage every time he goes to sing. He didn’t have Kazuya as a band mate by his side, but Jin felt like he had discovered something even better. He was trapped in the web of a new feeling, one that made his heart beat faster and his legs tremble every time he sees Kazuya. It was a good feeling, Jin concluded every time he lets his lips touch Kazuya’s in a rushed kiss so that no one could see them.
I'll hold your hand, and we'll walk side by side,
Such a future awaits us
Thank you for today.
He smiled and waved to his fans, exiting the stage with a happy ‘ciao’.
“Jin, congratulations!”
“Oh, Jin!”
“Jin!”
Jin smiled even brighter, seeing all of his dancers surrounding him, hugging him and cheering his name like they had done in the concert earlier. He was happy to see all of his friends after finishing a concert and going back to them made Jin feel like he’s returning to his family, not just his crew.
“Thanks, guys” he managed to say, with a husky voice, overwhelmed by the emotions. “Thanks for being here with me.”
“No problem, man” one of them said and put his arm on Jin’s shoulders. “Let’s party all night!” he then said with a loud voice, to make sure everyone heard him. “Jin’s paying!” he added, making the singer laugh.
“Jin!”
He heard her voice, but didn’t see her. He felt her body, but he didn’t realize how closer they were. He could feel her hair tickling his collarbone, but he didn’t have the time to react. He let Aubree kiss him, he let himself forget for a moment where he is, the only thought in his mind being how wrong this was. He didn’t have the right to kiss her, he didn’t want to hurt Kazuya. But nevertheless, Jin found himself incapable of moving and not trying to reject Aubree’s kiss. He heard some wooing in his back and that’s when he opened his eyes and realized what he had done.
He gently stopped the kiss and smiled at Aubree. Some of the guys were still clapping, happy to see the two of them finally together and knowing that the girl is in love with Jin since the first time she heard his voice. Jin ignored them and placed a kiss on her cheek, whispering at her ear that they need to talk and being careful to not be heard by others. Aubree nodded, a tint of hesitation in her eyes.
“Ok, let’s drink!” Jin cheered and left the others to go change when he was stopped by one of the staff members. He looked inquiringly at the woman, wondering what happened now when she gave him a bouquet of roses. His eyes widened.
“They’re from… Kamenashi-san” she explained.
“Kazuya?” For a moment, Jin thought that he didn’t hear right. Kazuya really came to see him? He grinned and looked expectantly at the woman. “Where is he now?” Jin asked, already impatient to see him.
“Um, he left. He said to tell you that the concert was great and that the flowers are from him. He didn’t say anything more” she further explained, bowing and quickly disappearing.
Why did Kazuya came here and didn’t stay to see Jin? He didn’t thought that the younger had an urgent meeting to attend to, he would have found at least five minutes to congratulate him personally. To hug and kiss his lover…
Oh.
“Oh, shit!”
*
Jin was pacing around his dressing room, his phone in hand and his fingers dialing again and again the same number. He rolled his eyes when the machine answered for the nth time, getting annoyed and throwing his phone on the couch. He grabbed his jacket and made a dash for the door, but stopped in his tracks when the said door opened without him touching it.
“Hi” Aubree shyly smiled and entered the room, closing the door behind her.
Jin took a deep breath and tried not to freak out. He had to talk to Kazuya, but he also had to take care of this misunderstanding or else this kind of thing can happen again. It was his fault, he knew that. He should have talked with Aubree after their first night together. He should have told her that it was a mistake what happened and that their relationship doesn’t have a future.
He should have told her that he is in love with someone else.
“I’m sorry” was the only thing Jin said, his head low and his hands fisting. He didn’t look up to see Aubree or the pain in her eyes. “I’m sorry but I can’t do this. Not with you. Not now and probably never” he continued, feeling like a jerk for not saying anything until they got to this point.
“It’s okay, I already knew.”
Jin raised his head so fast that he could swear that he heard a crack. His eyes finally met Aubree’s and Jin looked at her distrustful. Had he heard right? His relationship with Kazuya may be sometimes pretty obvious, but Aubree didn’t see them together that long. And even if she did, even if she knew, why didn’t she say anything until now? Why did she let Jin take advantage of her just to comfort himself?
He didn’t understand how could someone let himself be hurt for another person. But then again, he would have done the same thing if it were Kazuya.
Aubree just chuckled and Jin felt how empty was her laugh.
“It’s not like I need to be a genius to know that you weren’t yourself that night when we made love” the girl stuck out her tongue, but Jin’s expression still didn’t change, making Aubree sigh. “You’re in love with someone, right?” Jin carefully nodded, his eyes never leaving her’s. “That’s why I found you crying that night. It’s okay, don’t worry” she smiled, putting her hand on Jin’s shoulders. “I’m a big girl now.”
Even if her smile was wide, her eyes were filled with pain. Jin could see how painful this is for Aubree and he could guess how much she would have liked to trap Jin in that room and never let him go again. But even she knew that no one can stop him from going to see his lover. The resignation was clear in her eyes and defeat was obvious in her slightly trembling voice.
Jin smiled, feeling relief making its way into his soul. He had the best friends in the world and he should be more grateful for the wonderful people that he had met in his life. He really was a blessed person. He hugged Aubree, murmuring words of thanks in her hair and promising to make up for what he had done. The girl just patted his head and slowly pushed him from her.
“Go to the one you love.” She said with a gentle smile, her voice trembling a little. She bit her lip to control her feelings, but it seemed like she wasn’t in luck, so she turned her back on Jin and urged him to go.
Jin didn’t need to be told twice.
He dashed from the concert hall, hopping into his car and driving like a madman until he got at Kazuya’s apartment.
“Kazuya!” he knocked on his door, the worry evident in his voice. “Kazuya!!” he tried again, but no answer came this time either. He cursed loudly, feeling annoyed at himself because he forgot to take Kazuya’s apartment key and couldn’t go inside to wait for him.
Where was the younger? Why wasn’t he answering his calls?
Jin let himself fall in front of Kazuya’s door, crouching on the floor. He would wait for Kazuya. He won’t move from here until the younger comes home.
*
Playback.
That image of Jin and Aubree kept playing in front of his eyes, like a broken record. For that split second, Kazuya wanted to believe he’s dreaming - no, he’s having a nightmare - that what he was seeing were simply his insecurities impersonated by such a scene. But he knew that it was real, he knew that his eyes weren’t deceiving him and that his heart was really hurting. As soon as he left the building, he simply wandered on the streets, feeling numb and a complete fool. He pulled his hat over his eyes, not to hide himself from the stares, but to hide the tears that stung his eyes, tears that he didn’t want to acknowledge, that he didn’t want to cry. Despite the hollow in his soul, he still hurt. He still crouched in pain inside his mind, he still felt fear and distrust gnaw at him without mercy.
He felt his mobile vibrate and his heart took a huge leap. He took out his phone, afraid to see the caller. But there was disappointment as it wasn’t the one he wanted to hear right now, the one he wanted to reassure him that what he saw was simply a misunderstanding, that it wasn’t real.
“Yes?” he answered with a hoarse voice. The caller said something and Kazuya agreed with him, knowing that tonight he wouldn’t have anything better to do. “We’ll meet there.” And he hung up, squeezing the phone a little before turning it off.
A couple of hours later, he had managed to toss aside the vivid image of Jin and Aubree kissing that burnt his retinas each time he remembered. He was enjoying himself with some of his acquaintances while sharing a nice and big glass of beer. Kazuya didn’t plan on getting himself drunk, he didn’t want to because this won’t chase away the pain. It was better if he pretended he forgot about that, it was better if he lied to himself that everything was fine and it was probably his imagination, being tired and all. It was best if he didn’t think at all about what had happened.
It was long past midnight when he finally parted from his friends and headed for home. He was grateful for their call, this way he didn’t think much of Jin, of the kiss he saw, he didn’t think at all of the pain that with each minute passing it grew in intensity. Now that he was alone, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander back to Jin. What was he doing now? Was he happy partying and drinking with his friends and crew? And …was he happy kissing Aubree?
No.
He shouldn’t think about this anymore. He had promised trust, he had to try and listen to Jin and his excuses. He had to hide his hurt and bleeding heart, he had to toss away the feelings of rage, jealousy and fear. But …maybe they have hurried when they decided to be together. Maybe they got together because somehow, they saw this as the only link to keep in touch with each other, now that they didn’t have KAT-TUN in common anymore. Maybe Jin was regretting being with him and maybe he was a fool to believe that they might have a chance when all along, the past has been showing them otherwise. Yet he should still hear Jin out, he should still try to understand what had truly happened. At least that's what he wanted to do, even if it wasn't the right thing. Even if he shouldn't listen to him at all. Yet he wanted to do so. Not just for them, not just for the sake of their couple, but for him too. Because he wanted to know for sure, he wanted to rinse the pain, he wanted to feel happy again with Jin.
Or without him.
He quickly tossed away the last thought and pressed his card key against the building’s door. He had arrived home and he’d shove himself under the sheets, forget the world, forget his pain. Until he’ll see Jin again and everything would just simply burst again. Kazuya waited silently for the elevator to come and as soon as it arrived, he got on and pressed five. There was that small drumming the wires were making, a drumming that made him feel even sadder than he was. Because it was similar to the sound the pain was making when it was digging straight for his heart’s core. The elevator stopped and Kazuya stepped out of it, fumbling with his keys as he approached the door. He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening in shock. He took small steps as if he was having another vision, this time, he wasn’t sure if it was real. He crouched next to the curled body and stretched out a hand to touch the dark and curly hair, his hand already knowing its soft texture.
It was real.
“Jin?” he said softly as he slowly patted his head. Somehow, he couldn’t help but smile.
Jin raised his head, blinking quickly to chase away the sleep from his eyes. He looked at Kazuya but without really seeing him, still being stranded on the land of dreams. He stretched his body, his mind only now starting to recover and to realize where he is. He looked once more at Kazuya, his eyes widening.
“Kazu!” he exclaimed, jumping on Kazuya and hugging him like he was in danger of losing the boy.
A little slow, Kazuya wanted to say but he complied with just being silent and letting the man cling on him. Surprisingly enough, he had kept his balance when Jin jumped on him and now he was unsure of whether to hug back or to simply be hugged. He decided to simply detach from Jin, trying to be cool and still friendly about his lover… no, Jin. He wasn’t sure anymore about the lover thing since his eyes burned with the image of him and Aubree kissing.
“Just let me get the door.” He said and opened it, inviting Jin inside.
Jin nodded and followed Kazuya inside. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what’s next. The younger was acting the same as usual, but there was something that told Jin something isn’t alright and his suspicion that Kazuya saw him and Aubree kissing was growing.
“Kazu…” he started, still a little unsure. “Were you at my concert?” he carefully asked, looking like a beaten puppy at him.
Oh, boy. Kazuya didn’t expect to talk about this as soon as he got home. He’d thought he’d get some sleep and he’d have time to chew things on, to see how it was best to react. How it was best to talk with Jin without seeming unreasonable. No, he was lying. He simply didn’t want to face the truth, he didn’t want to hear anything related to what he saw.
Kazuya went into his kitchen, having Jin follow him. He sat down with a glass of water in front of him. He didn’t offer anything to Jin, but he already put to make some coffee. Any alcohol would be bad for them, especially when they were together. He drank some water and he looked at Jin, gulping slowly the water as if to prolong the time to say something.
“Un. I was.” He answered, bringing once more the glass to his lips. “Though I arrived half way, it was great.” He managed to smile remembering the concert.
“Then why did you leave?” Jin promptly asked, not wishing to prolong his agony any more.
He looked down into his glass as if he was searching the answer in the water. “Well…” he began, unsure if to tell what he saw or not. “… it wasn’t my place to linger any longer, so I left.” He said, not really truthful. He felt that if he told Jin what he saw, then the certainty, the reality would become truth. Kazuya didn’t want that.
Jin didn’t say anything in return. He just sighed, feeling a lot more afraid than he thought he would be. He fumbled with his hands, trying to ignore his beating heart that seemed to go crazy with each passing second. He took a step towards Kazuya, but stopped immediately. He took a deep breath and another step and another, until he stood close enough to the younger to place his hand on his shoulder.
“Kazuya, tell me” Jin said with a tender voice, already knowing what’s coming. He didn’t know why he was insisting that the younger says what happened and what he saw. Maybe he was afraid. Afraid that if he’s the one who says those words… something will end. But then again, something will end either way, Jin thought bitterly.
Kazuya didn’t realize his body tensed the moment Jin touched him, but neither did he realize that he was hurting that much, enough to want to forget anything and to leave things just as they were. Without talking about this, just to go on like this… together. But he knew he was lying to himself, because he could never move forward with something like this. Betrayal wasn’t on his list of favorites. He didn’t want to answer Jin yet, so he rose up and went to the coffee which was already ready to be drunk. As he took out some cups, his hands shook slightly. The surprise of it had him talk.
“Tell me it’s just an American custom.” He said hoarsely, pouring the dark liquid into the cups. “Just tell me it was just a simple habit, it was her way of showing happiness. Tell me it was just because of the heat of passion. Tell me I saw wrong, tell me it wasn’t you, just tell me it wasn’t real.” He continued, unaware he had said so much in less than five seconds, unaware of the plea in his voice. He turned to Jin and bit onto his lower lip, hope and disappointment tangling in the brown of his eyes. “Tell me so and I’ll believe you.” Kazuya never realized how important this was to him until now.
Even if he was more scared than he had ever been in his life, Jin didn’t move his gaze from Kazuya and faced his brown eyes. “I can’t” he said with a trembling voice. He lifted his hands to his hair, ruffling it and making it even messier. “I mean, it was her way of showing happiness. I didn’t even saw her until she kissed me and I was too shocked to react” he tried to explain, pacing around the kitchen and growing more worried that he’d blew it up. “I didn’t know you were there and I didn’t know she would kiss me and…” he stopped talking and also pacing. He carefully looked at Kazuya again, afraid of what he would find in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
There would be no tears, because there wasn’t a need. He was already crying inside of him, he was already shouting out of pain, because this didn’t feel right anymore. The shock was now dimmed but the pain still clung with its claws, seeping even more in his wound. But he won’t show it, he can’t be that weak. Not even a month ago, he didn’t think of Jin as a lover and now he was suffering because of him. No, he wasn’t going to be that weak.
“Don’t be.” He tried to smile and clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking. “Did she have reasons for doing so?” he asked the question which answer he feared the most.
But again Jin didn’t answer. His eyes flew for a moment from Kazuya’s, but returned immediately, seeming more determined to be forgiven. “It was my fault” he confessed, head low and shoulders slumbered. “I didn’t say anything to stop her from thinking that there could be something between us. I know I should have, but…” he slowly raised his gaze to look at the boy. “I didn’t want to hurt her.”
And me?! What about me…? Kazuya wanted ask, but kept silent. He was at loss of words, he wasn’t sure how he should react, what he should say… no, he didn’t know. Because no matter how tough you might appear, how you ready you think you are, life doesn’t prepare you for something like this. It stubbornly shows you that you’re just dust in wind’s way. He turned his back to Jin, taking deep breaths, closing his eyes.
“Why…” the question was so faint that you might not have heard it. “I believed in you, Jin.” The accusation was subtle, but it was there.
“I know and I’m sorry. I should have clarified things earlier. I should have told her that there isn’t a future for us and that there’s someone else I love. I know and I tried, but I didn’t know when to say it. I just ran from Aubree when I saw her coming my way, I didn’t want to make her cry because I know how painful love can be.” Jin started to ramble, feeling more defeated with each minute.
The world love stung. He didn’t want to hear it, not now, not when he wasn’t supposed to feel happy for hearing it. He sighed and turned back to face Jin. “You didn’t run from her, you ran to her. You couldn’t tell her about ‘there’s someone else’…” he stopped, not wanting to say love. “… you were afraid to tell her, because you thought you’d lose her. Just like you’re about to lose me.” This time his voice wasn’t filled with disappointment or hope, it was bitter and there was a tint of anger in it. Kazuya knew he had reached his limit of understanding.
“Godammit, why can’t you understand?” Jin said in English without realizing. “Kazuya, I don’t want her, I only want you” he continued, approaching the younger and grabbing him by his elbows. “I talked with her after the show, I told her the truth. I don’t love her” he tried to convince his lover, feeling helpless in front of him. “Please, I don’t want to lose you” he added, hugging Kazuya with all his force and refusing to let go of him.
Crushed against Jin’s body, inhaling Jin’s sweet scent, feeling the older one’s insecurities overflow just like his made Kazuya the one thing he didn’t want to be - weak. He already knew that he’ll submit to Jin every time after finally having known that he loves him. He knew that being with Jin meant no turning back, meant no way out anymore. But for the sake of his pride, he had to keep strong a little longer. Just a little more, even if it hurt.
“Then what’s your relationship with her?” he asked, his voice muffled against Jin’s chest. “What is between the two of you?” He continued, feeling both his heart and Jin’s beating fast. “And don’t lie to me.” He added with a warning tone.
It took a moment for Jin to finally respond. “I slept with her.” He said with a low voice, then he hurried to add: “Last year, when I had my America Tour. After you left from Pi, you didn’t answer your phone, I couldn’t reach you at all and… I was hurt” he confessed, forcing the words to come out from his mouth. “He told me that you were sleeping with a lot of women and… she was there. It didn’t matter who would have been, I just needed to forget.” He said, slowly detaching himself from Kazuya to look into his eyes, but without letting him go.
He asked for it, right? He was the one who said no more lies, so he shouldn’t feel more hurt or betrayed, right? Then why did he want to hit, to shout, to rip apart the man in front of him? Why did he want to hide and crawl into a place where no one would find him and cry to his heart content? Because he loved. Because he loved the man that was still holding him while telling that he slept with the woman he saw him kissing with. Because he loved the man whose lips told him no lies but only the hurtful truth. Because he couldn’t help but love him even more without knowing a way to stop such a foolish thing.
“Did you forget?” he asked, his voice broken and his eyes dry.
“No.” Jin replied, feeling ashamed. “And it was only worse. I couldn’t forget you and I hurt her too. I felt guilty, but… I didn’t say anything.” He wasn’t looking into Kazuya’s eyes anymore, he couldn’t stand the pain that he saw in those brown orbs. “I was a coward and I just waited, hoping that things would solve by themselves. But then I saw you at the Countdown and I realized why it was so painful to see you and I knew then that I love you…” he stopped once more, feeling like he could start crying every moment.
It was stupid, it really was. He needed Aubree to kiss him so that he could finally realize that what he feels for Kazuya is real and is more than what he expected to be. He was in love with Kazuya and only now Jin realized that he had said it to the younger in the most inappropriate moment. He bit his lip and looked at Kazuya, full of fear and uncertainness.
“Because I love you, Kazuya, I love you more than anything and I’m sorry that it took me this long to finally understand my feelings.” Jin confessed, his eyes glowing in a weird way. But it was okay. He knew now that he’s in love with Kazuya. And he’ll do anything to keep him by his side.
Kazuya’s heart stopped the first moment Jin said he loves him. Also he breathed no more because he felt like dying… of happiness. It were just three words, just three simple words that made him feel this way. He couldn't believe that there had been a simple need of such a simple confession. Those words made him want to forget everything that happened and offer the two of them a brand new start. Kazuya looked at Jin, trying to hide his joy. He still wanted to be mad at Jin, because he had the right to feel so, right?
“I understand.” He said, biting his lip just to hide his smile. “Just give some time to think about it, okay?” he added, lowering his eyes as he wanted to pretend he was still unsure about forgiving Jin or not. He had already forgiven him, though he planned on telling him a little bit later, he just wanted to make him suffer just like he did. Kazuya does forgive, but doesn’t forget… to punish.
“Okay” Jin replied, a little unsure if it’s the right thing to do. “But call me, okay? I’ll be waiting! Or if you want to see me, I’ll be at my apartment. Or the jimusho. Either way, you’ll find me pretty easy. So… please don’t forget me?” he asked with puppy eyes, feeling his heart trying to get out of his chest.
Kazuya nodded with a grave expression, putting on his best mask to fool Jin. He was happy to be such a talented actor, otherwise he’d easily be caught. “I won’t.” he said and detached himself from Jin. “Oh… the coffee’s gone cold.” He said with a fake surprise as his eyes ran the two cups sitting innocently on the table. “It doesn’t matter anymore, though.” He added in an undertone and then he looked at Jin. “Anyways, you’ll be leaving, right?” he asked with a casual tone.
He could be mean if he wanted to, he could really be.
Jin pouted, feeling like he was just kicked out of Kazuya’s house. “If you want me to…” he said with a hurt voice, biting his lip.
“It’s the best for now.” He said, amused in a malicious way of Jin’s expression. Then he waited for a few moments and sipped out of the cold coffee, feeling the need of something strong. “But since it’s so late, you can take the couch for tonight.” He added, not looking in his direction after he threw the rest of the coffee into the sink. He stretched his body and stifled a yawn. “I’m going to sleep now. Good night.”
“Good night” Jin answered back, still looking a little sad while watching Kazuya leaving the kitchen. Even so, a small smile appeared on his lips as soon as he remained alone, a smile that started to widen more and more. Kazuya had let him stay for that night. There was still hope for them. There was still hope for Jin.
And now, it was up to Jin to not screw it up again.
As the door of his bedroom closed behind Kazuya, the younger couldn’t help but chuckle softly before jumping onto his bed, now feeling happier than ever. If he had been sad a few hours earlier, he had long forgotten. Now all he wanted was to get back to Jin and cuddle next to him. But this the following day, now the older man had to pay for his little infidelity.
Kazuya rolled on the bed, feeling giddy and childish-like, already wanting to call Jin in his bedroom, to hold him tight and hear him whisper ‘I love you…’ He grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly, closing his eyes and trying to imagine it was Jin.
“I love you too, baka.”
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Although aroruae might have said that this chapter would be the last, she was wrong XDD The 13th uhh, lucky number! chapter is the last one ^^ Definitely lol XD
Also, I feel like I own you some explanations to this chapter. You probably wonder why Kazuya forgave so quickly. My answer would be like the character's in this story - because he loved, therefore he wanted to trust and by this, even if it hurt, he'd offer a second chance. At least, that's why I'd do lol XDDD but only for Jin! Other than that, it might feel that everything happened fast... well, we want to believe it didn't ><' That's why I hoped to rely on your empathy and try to fill in the gaps that might have been purposely created ^^ If you didn't find it fast, then... it's OK :))
Well... what can I say more? Since we're getting close to ending we just need to do some polish here and there I hoped you enjoyed this story with all its faults ^^ We were glad to have written it and we prepared a little surprise at the end <3 and also, we have already another Akame fic on the roll, so ...wait for us!!
Thank you for being with us until now *huggles* wow, this sounds like we're going to die or smth lol XDD sorry, I'm feeling very grateful and sentimental right now >//////< really thank you *glomps on everyone reading*