Addictive Obsession ~ Chapter Six | part four
Jin opened his eyes and blinked a few times to try to chase away the sleep from his eyes so that he could look around him. He was in his own room but he couldn’t remember anything, he didn’t know what happened to him or why he was unable to move. He looked at his body and saw it covered by bandages. A distant memory made way into his mind and Jin widened his eyes, finally remembering the fight.
Oh.
He growled annoyed and with a sudden move, he forced himself to get up from his first try, groaning loudly after because of the pain he caused to his body.
“Fuck!” he swore, feeling how he was starting to get mad because of his inability to move freely.
And at this lovely word, Kazuya woke up with a jolt and saw Jin trying to move. He got quickly to his bed, though his own vision was blurry. Maybe he shouldn't have done that, but no turning back. He grasped Jin's hand to get his attention. Kazuya smiled feebly, trying to focus his attention on the older one.
"Don't move." he said on a soothing voice, tightening his grip a little. "Just stay still for now, you'll move later, okay?" he continued, the feeble and sloppy smile still on his face.
Jin didn’t expect to see Kazuya right now so he was startled when the younger one approached him. He looked at him like he couldn’t believe what he saw, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands, almost like he was expecting Kazuya to disappear.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, blinking again.
The younger chuckled. "Why do you ask? I shouldn't be here?" he asked, arching an eyebrow, his lips curving into a pout.
“No, no, it’s not that.” he hurried to answer, smiling a little. “It’s just that… I didn’t expect to see anyone. To see you here.” He confessed, looking a little shy under Kazuya’s gaze.
The boy smiled absently at Jin’s remark and caressed his cheek. There was a weird gleam in his eyes and he looked tired. “I had to take care of you.” Kazuya said, looking a bit sad. “I just couldn’t let you like that…” he added, the bitter tone present in his voice.
“Why?” the question came immediately, Jin looking at him as if it was something natural to leave an injured person alone. And well, for him it was. If he had to be honest, he never had felt the need to have someone by his side when he wakes up. He was just used to take care of himself, to be alone when usually he’d need someone with him the most. It was natural, it was obvious. It had been this way since Jin could remember and that’s why he couldn’t understand now why was Kazuya saying that he couldn’t let him like that. Why? Why should he need someone? Why would anyone need help from someone else?
He kept staring at the younger, searching for an answer in his eyes, but failing. He could not grasp it even if Kazuya’s eyes were the most honest that he had ever seen at the boy. He didn’t know why and his curious gaze over Kazuya’s face was constantly repeating the same thing - why?
“Because you’re injured and someone needs to take care of you.” Kazuya simply replied, a bit surprised at the older one’s odd question. “Also, I’m worried about you.” He added in an undertone, looking down and closing his eyes for a bit as he felt suddenly sick.
But Jin didn’t seem to notice that or if he did, he chose to ignore it. Instead, he continued to stare at Kazuya like he was an alien and had just said the strangest thing on Earth. And it was strange for Jin to hear these words. It was strange for Jin to know that someone is worried about him, that someone wants to take care of him and to be by his side. It was the first time for him to be in this kind of situation and Jin found out that it’s a nice feeling. He considered that it’s not that bad to need someone and to let him get a little closer to his real personality.
He shook his head as soon as this thought entered his mind and groaned because of the pain that the movement caused. No, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t let someone deceive him. Because if he decides to trust Kazuya and the younger won’t meet his trust, then…
Then what? It wasn’t like he knew what would happen. He never did trust someone enough to give someone the chance to make damage in his life. Heck, if he thought a little, he didn’t even know how to do a thing as simple as this. It was a scary thought but surprisingly a pleasant one. Warm. And soothing.
“Why do you care? I only destroyed your life, didn’t I?” he asked, seeming hurt for the first time since he met Kazuya if his teary eyes were to be considered.
Kazuya’s head snapped up and looked at Jin with narrowing eyes. Was now the time to talk about something like this? And honestly, he had questioned himself too and it wasn’t like he had found any answer. So why did he care, he wasn’t sure himself. A shadow of a smile brushed against his lips and he tilted his head a little as if thinking.
“I’m not a monster, Jin.” He laughed softly. “I won’t turn my back on someone injured or on someone I know.” He added, really smiling this time. “No matter the circumstances.” Kazuya never mentioned that in a way, in a very weird way, Jin offered him a reason. A reason of why he was born on this world.
“I see.” Jin said with a defeated voice, like he was hoping to hear something else. He quickly ignored this idea and smiled brightly like nothing ever happened. “Thank you for your help.” He added with a bow of his head and respect, actions so much different from the real him. “But now I’m fine so you can leave.” Jin continued, throwing the blanket off his body to get down of bed.
But the younger was much quicker and pushed the man back on the bed and with a mother-like voice, he said: “Like I could do that. If you don’t want me to tie you by the bed, you’d better sit still and let your wounds heal.” His eyes were boring into Jin’s, determined to convince him that he would do such a thing if necessary.
Jin simply glared at him. “I don’t take fucking orders from you.” He spitted the words through his teeth, his eyes glowing mad and furious. He pushed the younger back and moved his body to get out of bed, only succeeding to let his feet fall on the floor until he stopped, breathing heavy.
Kazuya sighed and grabbed gently Jin by his shoulders. “I’m not ordering you or anything.” He started, his voice kind of tired. “I just want you to get well soon and it would be better if you would lie down while I take care of you.” He continued, pressing on the older one’s shoulder, wanting to push him back in bed but without wanting to seem demanding. “And it’s not that bad, you know?” he added, his lips twitching a little as if wanting to form a smile.
If being bossy didn’t work with Jin, maybe the other way around will.
Jin looked surprised at Kazuya for a moment because he was expecting a retaliation, not a change of attitude. Kazuya’s kind voice and soft tone made him feel uneasy. He was not used to hear kind voices, he was not used to be near someone who doesn’t want just to take advantage of him.
He sighed, but not moved from the same spot. Maybe Kazuya was trying to earn his trust? So that he can later make Jin give up at the control that he had over the younger? It was a stupid thing and Jin thought that Kazuya knew better than this. Even if he wouldn’t threaten him with his friends’ lives anymore, the danger will still exist as long as Jin lives. But… Kazuya had tried to save him. He had butted in his fight, got himself injured while trying to help Jin and if Yamapi and Ryo hadn’t showed up, he would have been sold as a whore.
Which wasn’t much different from what he was doing at the moment but still. It had been his own choice. He chose to become Jin’s even if really he didn’t have that much of a choice.
Then… why didn’t Kazuya let him die?
“I don’t want your pity.” Jin finally replied, looking down at his hands and refusing to meet Kazuya’s gaze. “I don’t need it.” He added as to reinforce his words.
One. Two. Three. Kazuya gathered his patience, thinking how much Jin looked like a spoilt child. “It’s not pity.” He said with a calm and soothing voice. “It’s care.” He added, pressing his forehead against Jin’s waiting for the older one to meet his eyes. And when Jin did, all he could read in his gaze was uncertainty and worry. His breath was still unsteady and his heart was beating faster. Jin didn’t know if it’s because of the pain or because of Kazuya’s touch. He was trembling and he felt the need to cry even if he himself knew that it was just a stupid thing to do.
But all he could see in Kazuya’s eyes was honesty. The boy was telling the truth and Jin could feel his need to be trusted. He was also feeling a desperate need to believe him but something was still stopping him. Even if he wanted to make the mistake and let his heart take control of him, his mind was still powerful and the reality wasn’t changing at all.
Because… why would he care about Jin? Why would someone care about the one who made his life miserable, who threatened his friends, who fucked him when he pleased just because he could? No, there isn’t a person like this, Jin told himself while looking into Kazuya’s brown orbs. But even so, he couldn’t stop the question to slip from his lips and he cursed the fact that his voice sounded so needy and helpless like a child’s.
“Why?” he repeated, seeming like a child who was asking why is the sky blue. “Why do you care about someone like me?”
Kazuya refrained from sighing. It was that difficult to understand care for someone injured? Okay, he knew that Jin hasn’t been the best for him, but partly it was his fault too. In fact, somehow, he always expected to get into trouble and have his life turned upside down because of his doings. So, although on the surface, Kazuya was blaming and cursing Jin, he could still see the reality in all its beauty. But still, like he said, he couldn’t just leave the man all by himself just because he got what he asked for a while now. If he had really not wanted Jin to mess with his life, then he would have let him be beaten to death in that warehouse and this way he would have been free.
But he didn’t do any of this and he wasn’t regretting. “I don’t know.” He answered with a calm voice. “Do you know why we live?” he asked in return, as if his question was equivalent to Jin’s.
No, he didn’t know if there’s a reason for living, but the answer slipped from his lips before he could think it over. “We live to die.” Jin replied seriously, his eyes curiously searching Kazuya’s. “There’s no meaning to life, it doesn’t have to. It just exists and we accept it because we’re too much of a coward to end it. We don’t choose to receive it.” He continued with a depressing voice while backing away a little from Kazuya to watch him better. “But we can choose whom we give our care to.”
Kazuya dismissed the negative way to answer such a question, knowing perfectly that the answer differs from person to person and it’s never right. “And you haven’t chosen to whom to give your care to?” he asked, arching an eyebrow, curiosity at the edge of his voice.
Jin tensed for a second when he heard Kazuya’s question but relaxed immediately, not wanting the younger to notice anything. He hasn’t chosen, but if someone would know all the thoughts that flow through Jin’s mind when he’s with Kazuya, they could make some conclusions of their own. He didn’t want to admit, but he was starting to get swept away by the younger’s words, by his sudden kindness and gentleness that Jin had never known before.
Was it that awkward? He didn’t want to know the answer.
“This isn’t about me.” he finally said, avoiding Kazuya’s gaze when answering. “We weren’t talking about who I care about.”
Kazuya laughed softly before letting his finger slid across Jin’s cheek, a soft and gentle touch. “Indeed.” He approved, his eyes a dark and mysterious brown as he looked down at him. “But will you lie down a bit?” he then asked, a subtle plea in his voice.
“If you answer my questions.” Jin bargained immediately with a little smile on his lips, but he still lied down, grabbing Kazuya’s hand to silently ask him to do the same.
The boy complied and joined Jin on the bed, but he didn’t lie down, he just crossed his legs and covered the other with a blanket, checking that he’s comfortable. “You ask a lot.” Kazuya said, peering at Jin as he busied himself with the pillows. “What do you want me to answer?” he asked, his mind being a disheveled mass of what happened the last minutes. Fuck, the effect was still lingering on him.
Jin raised an eyebrow at him, as if asking if he had been talking all alone this whole time. He blinked once. Twice. And he looked at Kazuya with more attention, wanting to discover the secret behind Kazuya’s behavior. He searched his eyes and their redness and slightly lack of concentration told Jin more than enough.
He sighed. “Why do you care about someone like me?” Jin repeated his question, seeming as vulnerable as the first time he had asked. “Why are you still here and why won’t you leave if you don’t have any obligation to stand beside me?”
Ah. This was getting annoying, Kazuya thought as he passed his hands through his hair, messing it. “Would you like me to leave then? Would you like me to shout of happiness seeing you hurt?” he asked, his voice a little bit sharp. “Would you like me to pretend not to care just because you aren’t able to take it as simply as it comes?” he added, his voice tired and why not, disappointed. He was there for Jin and the man was asking why. Couldn’t a person live without asking why?!
“Yes, I’m not able to take it as it comes!” Jin replied while he lifted himself again, his tone louder than normal. He growled, annoyed that his injures weren’t letting him move as he liked but he decided to ignore them and focused on Kazuya once more. “I told you I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your care and I don’t need faked kindness!!” he continued, feeling his body burning because of his anger. Or maybe it was because of his wounds. “I. Do. Not. Need. Anyone.” He hissed, glaring at Kazuya, his face now only a few centimeters away from the younger’s. “I never needed and I won’t start now. I’m perfectly fine alone.” He added, not giving Kazuya a chance to answer. “Why are you here? Why do you pretend you care about me when it’s obvious that you don’t? Don’t fuck with me, Kazuya, because I’m only injured not blind.”
If Jin hadn’t been injured already, Kazuya would have punched him and this desire could be read in his eyes. Because Jin wasn’t the only one angry, now he was too. Because his feelings were being called fake and cheap. “I might be selling my body to you, but I don’t sell my soul or care.” He said with a shaking voice. “And yes, you’re not blind, you’re just plain stupid.” Kazuya added with an angry tone and got out of the bed. If he stays any longer, Jin would end up even more injured.
“Then I have to thank you for being so intelligent!” Jin rolled his eyes, throwing the blanket off him. “Kazuya Kamenashi, the great one who knows everything and has the kind heart to have pity on those stupid fools who don’t know anything.” He continued with the same exasperated voice, even if he knew he was only talking rubbish. It didn’t matter and if someone had asked him what did, Jin would have answered that he has no clue. He just knew he has to keep talking. “You’re just a bitch who’s afraid of everything.” Jin said while getting out of bed to follow Kazuya. “You…” he didn’t get to finish his sentence because the moment when he raised himself to stand on his own legs, he crushed to the floor, knocking down whatever was on the nightstand next to the bed. “Fuck.” He cursed, now kneeling and trying to control his breath. Damn, he felt like his spine was broken into two and he was sure that some wounds had reopened themselves because of the fast movement.
Kazuya rushed to Jin’s side and took him gently by the arms, pulling him up and back to bed. “Where does it hurt?” he asked on a worried voice looking at Jin’s body as he helped the older lie down. “Don’t move too much, please.” He added as he saw one of his bandages reddening. He didn’t deal very well with blood, Kazuya realized.
“I’m fine.” Jin replied with gritted teeth, cursing in his mind the whole time and successfully succeeding on inventing new ones. Yay for the new generation.
Even if it was full of pain, his voice was now calmer that it even surprised Jin. He was starting to feel again uneasy because he didn’t know what was happening to him. When Kazuya had wanted to leave, he didn’t even realize when he got off bed, wanting to chase after him and drag him back with force if it was necessary. He didn’t want him to be near, but he also felt the need to see Kazuya every time. To smell his strawberry perfume, to feel his body next to his, to kiss his lips until he feels him fainting in his arms. He didn’t want his pity or his care, but Kazuya’s worried eyes made him feel something that he had never experienced before. It was a warm feeling, a soothing one who was telling Jin that maybe it’s good to let Kazuya get a little closer to him.
He was confused and he didn’t know what to do. Since he had met Kazuya, Jin realized that he was infatuated with the younger boy, that he wanted him in his bed day and night, to hear him screaming out of pleasure and need of release. He had searched for him like mad and Jin was blaming himself for letting things getting out of control. When he had finally found him, he became even more intrigued with Kazuya’s personality and wanted to know more about him. He had done everything that was possible to have him and he succeeded. He should feel accomplished.
But he wasn’t. And Jin realized that it was because he wanted more.
It was a scary thought but Jin decided that he can be man enough to accept the truth. It can’t be that bad, can it? A lot of people go through this and they live happily ever after. Jin refrained to add that this happened only in fairytales, but it did happen so it didn’t matter.
He looked at Kazuya and tried to smile, but he moved again and a killing pain swept through his body, making him close his eyes in hurt. He tried to breathe slowly, keeping his eyes closed and trying to remember what he needed to do to ease the pain. His hand automatically started to search for the nightstand’s drawer, opening it and taking some pills out of it which Jin took without water. He waiter for a couple of minutes and only then he opened his eyes again, his dark color finding Kazuya’s brown one looking at him with concern.
Yeah, maybe it wasn’t that bad, Jin thought again. It wasn’t as if he could always open his eyes and see Kazuya’s expression. At some point, he thought that maybe it really doesn’t matter what’s Kazuya’s reason for staying with him when all the others have abandoned him as long as the younger stayed. But Jin was a greedy man and a greedy man wanted all. Not just a moment of worry, but all of his body and soul. He wanted Kazuya more than ever, Jin bitterly realized. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have been in this state, trying to protect him just because he was a good fuck. It was something more, but Jin didn’t feel brave enough at that moment to pinpoint it. So he just let it go, sighing helplessly but now knowing what to do.
“Help me go to the bathroom.”
He just needed some time. Maybe a few days away from Kazuya and his sudden desire to take care of Jin. It wasn’t real and Jin knew it. No one ever gave a damn about him, so why should someone start now?
Kazuya looked and said nothing but simply slipped his hands under Jin’s arms and lifted him gently, careful not to hurt him more. He was confused about the older one’s reactions, but in a way he understood. If he had been hurt, he would probably have been the same - no need for anyone, no need for help or pity. But Kazuya knew perfectly well that he would have craved for human company, for another to take care of him. So, he suspected, that Jin was the same. That’s why he wasn’t going to leave him like that, no matter what he says or does to him. Because in a way, they were the same.
He brought Jin to the bathroom and looked questioningly to him.
Jin ignored him for a second and detached himself from Kazuya to sit on the toilet, trying to regain his breath. He never thought this would get this serious and he would ever be this hurt. Things have gotten too serious and Jin felt like he couldn’t control them anymore. He glanced at Kazuya who seemed to watch his every move and then he hid his eyes behind his bangs. He didn’t want to look at him, not after the revelation that he just had. It was kind of embarrassing, Jin had to admit, but it was also comforting because Kazuya was there for him.
“Look into that drawer, there are bandages there and cotton to clean the blood.” He finally said, pointing to a spot behind Kazuya while he started to rip apart the bandages from his body filled with his blood with a careless expression but hissing from time to time.
But Kazuya didn’t do what Jin told him, instead he gently grabbed Jin’s wrists to stop him from tearing up the bandages alongside with his skin. “I’ll do it.” He said on a calm voice. “You don’t need to tear them like that…” he added with a slight reproach in his voice.
Jin looked up at Kazuya with slightly trembling eyes, not really daring to meet Kazuya’s but he felt an invisible force pushing him to gather his courage and look into his eyes. Honestly, he wanted to laugh. He had never been afraid, not even when he was faced with death, not even when he had been alone and didn’t have anyone to ask what he should do to survive. But now he was feeling his heart beating faster, in excitement and fear, with a terrifying fear of Kazuya. Of what he feels, of what he wants to do, of what he would do if he were free from Jin.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked, his voice only a murmur but loud enough to be heard. He didn’t protest when the younger began to do what he had started, his mind didn’t register that his wounds still hurt. He could only feel Kazuya’s warm hands on his skin and that feeling was enough.
The younger looked up briefly at Jin and smiled feebly. “Sure thing.” he replied, turning a bit just to get to the drawer Jin had indicated earlier. He took out the medical skit and began fumbling with new bandages and some iodine. He pressed the bottle against some cotton and with slow and careful moves, he began to wipe the blood that had gushed through the sewing.
If Jin had to be honest, he would say that there a lot more questions that he would rather ask. But he knew that Kazuya won’t answer or at least he won’t be completely honest. He didn’t know if he will have the courage to ask him later or maybe he will just forget about it. But in that moment he didn’t want to think about such things. Actually, he didn’t want to think about anything, just to go to bed and sleep and when he’ll wake up, the first face he’ll see will be Kazuya’s again.
He took a breath. He opened his mouth, wanting to sound completely indifferent, but his voice instead seemed to rather be needy. “If I would let you go…” he stopped and saw Kazuya also stopping his administrations. “… what will you do?”
Hmm, did Kazuya drug himself and Jin was paying the consequences? Because the younger didn’t expect Jin to come up with such a question. One that not even him had thought of it. Not until now of course, because he never thought of having a chance to get free. Because, from the beginning, he had never been free so why should things change now? But if indeed Jin meant what he said, what would he really do?
“I don’t know.” Kazuya shrugged and resumed his actions. “Probably go back to my old life.” He added, blowing a little over the burning gush seeing Jin wince from pain. “I will still need my drugs, you know? So… with you or without you, I’d still be caught.” He continued with a bittersweet tone and a feeble smile dancing on his lips. “Why do you ask though?” he looked up, curiosity in his eyes.
“Do you want to go back to your old life?” Jin instead asked, ignoring Kazuya’s question. Of course, this didn’t mean that he was willing to let Kazuya go, but… just but… Maybe he was just a fool to have such expectations from the younger. But he couldn’t help it. It was the first time someone showed something more than pity to Jin and he didn’t know how to take it. He didn’t know what to do, but his burning desire to have the boy in front of him was more powerful than anything. He didn’t want to give up on him, he would never do it, but… what if that was what the younger wanted?
“Would you prefer to go back in clubs to search for drugs and to never see me again?” Jin continued, his voice now calm, void of any emotions. His eyes were still trembling a little but Jin was doing his best to subdue them and to keep things under his control. He had to keep his calm or else he would be screwed. “Do you want to… leave me?“ he added, cursing himself for the fact that he couldn’t stop his heart from beating this fast, knowing that Kazuya will feel it under his palms.
What was this? Why was Jin asking him such… such embarrassing and unreasonable questions?! It wasn’t his fault that he was now tied to him, was it? It hadn’t been Kazuya’s decision to live next to Jin so why was the older asking such things?! Of course he preferred freedom, of course he wanted to leave him if this meant to live a life free of chains to bind him to something, to someone! Jin should know these the best, shouldn’t he?? Then why was he asking…
Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he keeping quiet as if all he was thinking were just half true? No, Kazuya wasn’t deceiving himself, no… he really wanted to leave Jin. Just, just that right now wasn’t the moment, was it? The man was hurt and he would never forgive himself if he would walk out of Jin’s life right now.
“Why do you ask such questions?” Kazuya finally replied in the same time he finished changing the bandages. “You should know what I wish the most by now, shouldn’t you?” he added and rose up, throwing into the bin the blooded bandages that made him sick. He turned to Jin with a pale and determined face before bending down to help the older. “I’m here now, so don’t ask such awkward questions, okay?” he said, his eyes at the same level as Jin’s.
Jin wanted to laugh and he did so, only that his laugh came out more as a bitter sound of defeat. “Of course you would leave.” He said, not looking at Kazuya and sitting up, this time not feeling the pain at all. He turned his back to Kazuya and exited the bathroom limping, not wanting to look at him or hear another word from him. Maybe it was enough already, he thought, closing his eyes for a moment and opening them again to search in the drawer next to his bed for some pills. He knew Pi had left him something.
For the first time, Kazuya felt angry with himself. He didn’t manage to make himself understood and also, he didn’t understand himself either! He wanted to say something, but that something didn’t match with his reality and he didn’t want to admit something that maybe wasn’t close to reality, but only a sick need. Yet now wasn’t the time to argue with his inner self about what was need and what was reality, because he needed to take care of Jin. So he quickly followed the man and stopped him before taking some pills.
“What are those?” he asked a bit rougher than intended. Fuck! It wasn’t his fault that Jin asked such stupid questions!
“Painkillers.” Jin simply replied, turning his back on Kazuya again and heading to the table where there was a bottle of water. He took them without a second thought, gulping down the whole bottle. He wiped his mouth with his hand and glanced at Kazuya. So what? Now he was the one getting mad? And for what? It wasn’t like Jin had asked him to solve an equation. It was just a simple thing, just a simple answer. One that hurt like hell.
“I’m hungry.” He simply stated, looking at Kazuya. Well, he was the one who said that he wants to help, right?! And Jin had a lot of ideas to put that ass to work.
The younger wanted to say something, but closed his mouth without uttering a single word. Instead he went over to Jin and stopped in front of him, his hands on his hips, looking as a mother ready to scold her child. He kept staring at the older for almost a minute, before finally deciding to say something.
“While I cook, you stay in bed.” His voice allowed no arguments. He turned his back on Jin and went to exit the door. He stopped for a moment, his hand hovering over the doorknob. “And I never said I’d leave.” He added before opening the door and closing it behind him.
Jin smirked, looking happily at the closed door. It wasn’t an assurance, but it was enough for now. He knew that the younger had said that because he really doesn’t want to leave him, because he wants to stay with Jin as much as he wants too. It will be fine, Jin thought, because as long as Kazuya won’t leave him, he will do anything so that the younger will never feel the need to do so. He can take care of Kazuya, he can provide him with everything he needs, including drugs if the younger was so keen to take them. Jin knew that it isn’t a safe thing to do, but it will be alright for the moment. He just needed more time until the younger will willingly give up drugs and seek comfort in his arms.
He smiled, almost flying to the bed if he had been able to do. But his wounds didn’t let him do as he pleased, so Jin limped to the bed, jumping on it and tucking himself with the blanket. It was strange, he was strange. Why was he feeling like a fool? Why was he feeling like he could take on the whole world, confident that he’ll definitely win? He couldn’t stop grinning and Kazuya’s words kept ringing in his head.
<< I never said I’d leave. >>
Surely, this meant that Kazuya wanted to be with him too, right? It had to because Jin couldn’t find another explanation for this or for the way he was feeling. He was certain that it must mean something, Kazuya wouldn’t have said those words if he hadn’t meant them. He had noticed something since he met Kazuya. The younger had never lied to him. He had hidden things to him, he had ignored the question and tried to discuss something else, he had replied but not in the way Jin expected him to. But he had never lied, not even once.
It made Jin content, especially when he thought that Kazuya was maybe the only person in the world who had never lied to him. He felt guilty for doing it to him and for still hiding a lot of things from the younger, but Jin decided that it was still time for these kind of things. Kazuya won’t go anywhere, he won’t leave Jin.
He won’t leave him alone.
Jin didn’t know how much time had passed while he thought at this, but soon the smell of delicious food came barging into his room, making his stomach growl. He licked his lips and looked at the door like a puppy, waiting for Kazuya to open it and to give him food. He didn’t dare to leave the bed because he had promised him that he’ll be a good boy and will stay in bed while Kazuya cooks. He sighed, feeling even hungrier since he noticed the inviting smell. His ears were listening to every sound and when he heard Kazuya’s footsteps, he felt like he could start singing of happiness. The door was finally opened and Jin greeted the younger with a wide smile and puppy eyes, waiting to be fed.
Kazuya entered the room with a tray on which he carried a bowl of soup, another one of rice with vegetables and chicken and some home-made bread. He hadn’t been sure about these dishes, but he supposed that a wounded man couldn’t eat rough dishes like beef or fast-food. Instead a healthy food choice was better. He laid the tray on the bedside table and took out some napkins, putting one on Jin as if he was a baby. He took the bowl soup and blew over a soup filled spoon before taking it closer to Jin’s lips.
“Say ‘aaah’.” Kazuya looked at the man in front of him with warm and shining eyes.
To say that Jin was surprised was too far from the truth. He had been watching Kazuya’s every move, wondering when he’s going to talk or if he’s going to do it at all. The last thing that he expected to see was Kazuya sitting next to him and… feeding him. Even if he had to admit that it was an inviting image that made him imagine even more things.
He grinned and opened his mouth, obviously more than happy for such a development. He chose to not say anything and it seemed like Kazuya was on the same line of thought, neither him saying anything and just continuing to feed Jin until the whole food was finished.
“Thanks.” Was the first word he said since Kazuya had returned in the room. Jin’s eyes were somehow sparkling but honesty was the only thing visible in them. His hand searched for Kazuya’s and he gently grabbed it, squishing it a little and smiling awkwardly. He was almost feeling shy and he was cursing himself for being so vulnerable in front of Kazuya. Nevertheless, he kind of enjoyed it. Because he knew that Kazuya is the first and only one to see him like this. Shy, unsecure, afraid of meeting his eyes and to find disdain in them.
“Thanks for… being here for me.” He added after a few seconds. “No one had ever done this for me.” He confessed, not feeling in the mood to look at Kazuya and see his startled expression which he was sure that his dark eyes will meet if he has enough courage to raise his head and look away from their entangled hands.
Kazuya looked at Jin and wondered why there hadn’t been anyone before. Of course, he had a jackass attitude, but what about his parents? He was sure that every parent - well, normal ones - was there for his child in times of need. So why would Jin say something like this? Did something happen with his parents?
“You don’t have to thank me.” He finally said, knowing that he will not ask anything related to Jin. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew very well if such a subject was a sensitive one, it would turn out to be painful. “I did it because I wanted to.” He added and squeezed back Jin’s hand before slipping his own out of it.
He took the tray and got down from Jin’s bed. Before leaving, he bent down and kissed Jin’s hair, murmuring ‘good boy’, like a mother would do. Kazuya will never say that this had been his most hidden desire since he was a child - to be taken care by a loving mother. And he will never notice that he had so much love and tender to offer if not for the past.
Kazuya left the room feeling a bit happy, leaving behind for a second time a confused Jin.
He honestly didn’t get it. He didn’t because it was too much and those kind gestures, gestures of affection were like strangers to Jin. He never knew that his heart can beat this fast. He never knew that he can feel this warm and peaceful and… happy. He knew he was smiling like a fool. He didn’t even remember when the smile had started to form on his lips, but now he was conscious of it and it only made Jin feel happier.
He had never felt this way. It was like a whole new world had been opened to him and Jin had finally discovered something important. He had never thought that a kind word can make someone feel good and he has always believed in one’s power and ability to work things out. This was the law of the jungle, this was the world Jin had been raised in. He had never known affection or love because there wasn’t anyone there to give it to him. He had only heard of this word and he had always laughed at those fools who claimed that they’re in love. Even more when they were willing to die for their loved ones.
He used to have fun watching them. He used to torture mothers, fathers, and he enjoyed hearing them pleading for their kids’ life and not for their own. They were just faking, hoping that Jin will feel sorry for them and will let them go, that’s what he had always thought. But now… maybe now he was starting to know what they were talking about. Just a little, not too much. He was afraid to admit how much Kazuya’s kindness had affected him even if he was somehow aware of it.
Because… he had fought to protect the younger when his own life was in danger. Kazuya’s presence had made him feel stronger and only the thought that someone will touch him was driving him mad. Kazuya was only his, he was the only one who could touch him!
He shook his head and decided to not think about things like these. It was better this way. The matter had been solved and the guy was dead. No one was going to hurt Kazuya anymore and he… Jin was going to make sure of that.
“Kazu…” he called for the younger when he saw him entering the room. “Come here.” He said, his voice sounding more like he was pleading. He stretched his hand towards the younger, a dreamy expression on his face.
The younger looked a bit wary at first, but his face relaxed into a smile before he complied to Jin’s wish. He took the hand and sat again on the bed this time with an inquiring expression on his face. “Did something happen?” he asked on a low voice.
“No, I just wanted to feel you close.” Jin simply stated, with a voice that said it was obvious what he wanted to do. He continued to pull on Kazuya’s hand, making the younger lay down next to him. Jin took advantage of that and quickly approached Kazuya, cuddling in his arms and sniffing at his chest. “Much better.” He murmured, feeling content to be in Kazuya’s embrace.
The younger chuckled a little, amused by the childish behavior of Jin. He wanted to be cuddled and he came to Kazuya, like a child craving for affection. They were indeed the same, both needed and wanted care in their life, they needed love. If Jin had came to him like this from the start, Kazuya might have accepted him … he might have came to truly like him. But Jin wasn’t entirely at fault. He was guilty too of having started like they did; but since meeting Jin, he had changed. Whether for good or for bad, he would have to find out. “You’re such a child.” Kazuya said and passed his fingers through Jin’s silky hair.
“I’m not a child!” Jin pouted, strengthening his hold on Kazuya’s waist and completely hiding his face into the younger’s shirt. He was feeling good and even if his body was still hurting, Jin didn’t care about things like these. He could ignore the pain almost like it wasn’t even there as long as he was in Kazuya’s arms. Maybe he really was like a child or maybe it was because he was hurt, it didn’t matter. Whatever it was, Jin only knew that he needs Kazuya and he wants him close to him more than anything. “But…” he added after a slight long pause, “I like being like this. With you. It seems like there’s only us and nobody else matters.” He sighed, his eyes darkening a little but his hair was still hiding them so Kazuya could see nothing. “Like we have no problems and… we’re happy. Even if I don’t know what happiness is and this is the first time I use this word.” Jin laughed bitterly, his fingers clutching at the younger’s shirt.
Kazuya blinked in surprise at Jin’s confession and felt kind of heart-warming. He found Jin’s insecurity quite charming, even if there was also bitterness. “No one can truly define happiness. And you don’t have to know it, you have to feel it.” He answered, hiding his own bitterness. “And you are a child.” He emphasized the last word, biting his tongue on commenting about the idyllic appearance that Jin just mentioned. They were not in the least happy, it was just a dream-like state. Just like the drugs Kazuya takes when he wants to escape reality.
“Then… when are you feeling happy?” Jin slowly asked, more murmuring the words because of his tiredness. The bed was so comfortable and Kazuya’s body was more than inviting… He didn’t know what made him ask such a thing. He already suspected that neither Kazuya knows this word, but… maybe it was for the best this way, right? Maybe now… they could search for it together.
Or they could fall together even deeper.
Narcotics. That was the first word that came in Kazuya’s mind after hearing Jin’s question. But he won’t say such a realistic answer, he can’t make himself say it, he can’t make himself admit it. Although, that was the sole moment when he could really detach himself from everything and be happy at his heart’s content. He didn’t have to worry about anything, because he will not care.
“I don’t know. Never really thought about it.” Kazuya casually replied, thinking that he didn’t even allow himself to feel happiness. And neither others did.
“Then how do you know that it exists?” Jin continued his interrogatory, hiding a yawn with his hand. He was starting to feel sleepy and Jin cursed those pills because they made him feel weak and powerless. He didn’t want to close his eyes because he knew it won’t take that long until he’ll fall asleep and he still wanted to spend some time with Kazuya. He hadn’t been alone when he woke up last time and now Jin was kind of surprised of his fear to open his eyes yet again and discover that he’s still alone. That Kazuya had left him.
“I don’t believe in things that I can’t see…” he added, his voice heavy and his words whispered.
“Credendo vides.” Kazuya said remembering a movie he had seen, but didn’t continue and instead he whispered to the sleepy Jin. “It’s better if you sleep. We’ll talk later about happiness.” He pushed Jin back on the pillows and tugged him like a mother would do with her child. He didn’t leave the bed, but he remained by his side and caressed his hair, humming slowly until Jin finally fell asleep with a small smile on his face.
Oh.
He growled annoyed and with a sudden move, he forced himself to get up from his first try, groaning loudly after because of the pain he caused to his body.
“Fuck!” he swore, feeling how he was starting to get mad because of his inability to move freely.
And at this lovely word, Kazuya woke up with a jolt and saw Jin trying to move. He got quickly to his bed, though his own vision was blurry. Maybe he shouldn't have done that, but no turning back. He grasped Jin's hand to get his attention. Kazuya smiled feebly, trying to focus his attention on the older one.
"Don't move." he said on a soothing voice, tightening his grip a little. "Just stay still for now, you'll move later, okay?" he continued, the feeble and sloppy smile still on his face.
Jin didn’t expect to see Kazuya right now so he was startled when the younger one approached him. He looked at him like he couldn’t believe what he saw, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands, almost like he was expecting Kazuya to disappear.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, blinking again.
The younger chuckled. "Why do you ask? I shouldn't be here?" he asked, arching an eyebrow, his lips curving into a pout.
“No, no, it’s not that.” he hurried to answer, smiling a little. “It’s just that… I didn’t expect to see anyone. To see you here.” He confessed, looking a little shy under Kazuya’s gaze.
The boy smiled absently at Jin’s remark and caressed his cheek. There was a weird gleam in his eyes and he looked tired. “I had to take care of you.” Kazuya said, looking a bit sad. “I just couldn’t let you like that…” he added, the bitter tone present in his voice.
“Why?” the question came immediately, Jin looking at him as if it was something natural to leave an injured person alone. And well, for him it was. If he had to be honest, he never had felt the need to have someone by his side when he wakes up. He was just used to take care of himself, to be alone when usually he’d need someone with him the most. It was natural, it was obvious. It had been this way since Jin could remember and that’s why he couldn’t understand now why was Kazuya saying that he couldn’t let him like that. Why? Why should he need someone? Why would anyone need help from someone else?
He kept staring at the younger, searching for an answer in his eyes, but failing. He could not grasp it even if Kazuya’s eyes were the most honest that he had ever seen at the boy. He didn’t know why and his curious gaze over Kazuya’s face was constantly repeating the same thing - why?
“Because you’re injured and someone needs to take care of you.” Kazuya simply replied, a bit surprised at the older one’s odd question. “Also, I’m worried about you.” He added in an undertone, looking down and closing his eyes for a bit as he felt suddenly sick.
But Jin didn’t seem to notice that or if he did, he chose to ignore it. Instead, he continued to stare at Kazuya like he was an alien and had just said the strangest thing on Earth. And it was strange for Jin to hear these words. It was strange for Jin to know that someone is worried about him, that someone wants to take care of him and to be by his side. It was the first time for him to be in this kind of situation and Jin found out that it’s a nice feeling. He considered that it’s not that bad to need someone and to let him get a little closer to his real personality.
He shook his head as soon as this thought entered his mind and groaned because of the pain that the movement caused. No, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t let someone deceive him. Because if he decides to trust Kazuya and the younger won’t meet his trust, then…
Then what? It wasn’t like he knew what would happen. He never did trust someone enough to give someone the chance to make damage in his life. Heck, if he thought a little, he didn’t even know how to do a thing as simple as this. It was a scary thought but surprisingly a pleasant one. Warm. And soothing.
“Why do you care? I only destroyed your life, didn’t I?” he asked, seeming hurt for the first time since he met Kazuya if his teary eyes were to be considered.
Kazuya’s head snapped up and looked at Jin with narrowing eyes. Was now the time to talk about something like this? And honestly, he had questioned himself too and it wasn’t like he had found any answer. So why did he care, he wasn’t sure himself. A shadow of a smile brushed against his lips and he tilted his head a little as if thinking.
“I’m not a monster, Jin.” He laughed softly. “I won’t turn my back on someone injured or on someone I know.” He added, really smiling this time. “No matter the circumstances.” Kazuya never mentioned that in a way, in a very weird way, Jin offered him a reason. A reason of why he was born on this world.
“I see.” Jin said with a defeated voice, like he was hoping to hear something else. He quickly ignored this idea and smiled brightly like nothing ever happened. “Thank you for your help.” He added with a bow of his head and respect, actions so much different from the real him. “But now I’m fine so you can leave.” Jin continued, throwing the blanket off his body to get down of bed.
But the younger was much quicker and pushed the man back on the bed and with a mother-like voice, he said: “Like I could do that. If you don’t want me to tie you by the bed, you’d better sit still and let your wounds heal.” His eyes were boring into Jin’s, determined to convince him that he would do such a thing if necessary.
Jin simply glared at him. “I don’t take fucking orders from you.” He spitted the words through his teeth, his eyes glowing mad and furious. He pushed the younger back and moved his body to get out of bed, only succeeding to let his feet fall on the floor until he stopped, breathing heavy.
Kazuya sighed and grabbed gently Jin by his shoulders. “I’m not ordering you or anything.” He started, his voice kind of tired. “I just want you to get well soon and it would be better if you would lie down while I take care of you.” He continued, pressing on the older one’s shoulder, wanting to push him back in bed but without wanting to seem demanding. “And it’s not that bad, you know?” he added, his lips twitching a little as if wanting to form a smile.
If being bossy didn’t work with Jin, maybe the other way around will.
Jin looked surprised at Kazuya for a moment because he was expecting a retaliation, not a change of attitude. Kazuya’s kind voice and soft tone made him feel uneasy. He was not used to hear kind voices, he was not used to be near someone who doesn’t want just to take advantage of him.
He sighed, but not moved from the same spot. Maybe Kazuya was trying to earn his trust? So that he can later make Jin give up at the control that he had over the younger? It was a stupid thing and Jin thought that Kazuya knew better than this. Even if he wouldn’t threaten him with his friends’ lives anymore, the danger will still exist as long as Jin lives. But… Kazuya had tried to save him. He had butted in his fight, got himself injured while trying to help Jin and if Yamapi and Ryo hadn’t showed up, he would have been sold as a whore.
Which wasn’t much different from what he was doing at the moment but still. It had been his own choice. He chose to become Jin’s even if really he didn’t have that much of a choice.
Then… why didn’t Kazuya let him die?
“I don’t want your pity.” Jin finally replied, looking down at his hands and refusing to meet Kazuya’s gaze. “I don’t need it.” He added as to reinforce his words.
One. Two. Three. Kazuya gathered his patience, thinking how much Jin looked like a spoilt child. “It’s not pity.” He said with a calm and soothing voice. “It’s care.” He added, pressing his forehead against Jin’s waiting for the older one to meet his eyes. And when Jin did, all he could read in his gaze was uncertainty and worry. His breath was still unsteady and his heart was beating faster. Jin didn’t know if it’s because of the pain or because of Kazuya’s touch. He was trembling and he felt the need to cry even if he himself knew that it was just a stupid thing to do.
But all he could see in Kazuya’s eyes was honesty. The boy was telling the truth and Jin could feel his need to be trusted. He was also feeling a desperate need to believe him but something was still stopping him. Even if he wanted to make the mistake and let his heart take control of him, his mind was still powerful and the reality wasn’t changing at all.
Because… why would he care about Jin? Why would someone care about the one who made his life miserable, who threatened his friends, who fucked him when he pleased just because he could? No, there isn’t a person like this, Jin told himself while looking into Kazuya’s brown orbs. But even so, he couldn’t stop the question to slip from his lips and he cursed the fact that his voice sounded so needy and helpless like a child’s.
“Why?” he repeated, seeming like a child who was asking why is the sky blue. “Why do you care about someone like me?”
Kazuya refrained from sighing. It was that difficult to understand care for someone injured? Okay, he knew that Jin hasn’t been the best for him, but partly it was his fault too. In fact, somehow, he always expected to get into trouble and have his life turned upside down because of his doings. So, although on the surface, Kazuya was blaming and cursing Jin, he could still see the reality in all its beauty. But still, like he said, he couldn’t just leave the man all by himself just because he got what he asked for a while now. If he had really not wanted Jin to mess with his life, then he would have let him be beaten to death in that warehouse and this way he would have been free.
But he didn’t do any of this and he wasn’t regretting. “I don’t know.” He answered with a calm voice. “Do you know why we live?” he asked in return, as if his question was equivalent to Jin’s.
No, he didn’t know if there’s a reason for living, but the answer slipped from his lips before he could think it over. “We live to die.” Jin replied seriously, his eyes curiously searching Kazuya’s. “There’s no meaning to life, it doesn’t have to. It just exists and we accept it because we’re too much of a coward to end it. We don’t choose to receive it.” He continued with a depressing voice while backing away a little from Kazuya to watch him better. “But we can choose whom we give our care to.”
Kazuya dismissed the negative way to answer such a question, knowing perfectly that the answer differs from person to person and it’s never right. “And you haven’t chosen to whom to give your care to?” he asked, arching an eyebrow, curiosity at the edge of his voice.
Jin tensed for a second when he heard Kazuya’s question but relaxed immediately, not wanting the younger to notice anything. He hasn’t chosen, but if someone would know all the thoughts that flow through Jin’s mind when he’s with Kazuya, they could make some conclusions of their own. He didn’t want to admit, but he was starting to get swept away by the younger’s words, by his sudden kindness and gentleness that Jin had never known before.
Was it that awkward? He didn’t want to know the answer.
“This isn’t about me.” he finally said, avoiding Kazuya’s gaze when answering. “We weren’t talking about who I care about.”
Kazuya laughed softly before letting his finger slid across Jin’s cheek, a soft and gentle touch. “Indeed.” He approved, his eyes a dark and mysterious brown as he looked down at him. “But will you lie down a bit?” he then asked, a subtle plea in his voice.
“If you answer my questions.” Jin bargained immediately with a little smile on his lips, but he still lied down, grabbing Kazuya’s hand to silently ask him to do the same.
The boy complied and joined Jin on the bed, but he didn’t lie down, he just crossed his legs and covered the other with a blanket, checking that he’s comfortable. “You ask a lot.” Kazuya said, peering at Jin as he busied himself with the pillows. “What do you want me to answer?” he asked, his mind being a disheveled mass of what happened the last minutes. Fuck, the effect was still lingering on him.
Jin raised an eyebrow at him, as if asking if he had been talking all alone this whole time. He blinked once. Twice. And he looked at Kazuya with more attention, wanting to discover the secret behind Kazuya’s behavior. He searched his eyes and their redness and slightly lack of concentration told Jin more than enough.
He sighed. “Why do you care about someone like me?” Jin repeated his question, seeming as vulnerable as the first time he had asked. “Why are you still here and why won’t you leave if you don’t have any obligation to stand beside me?”
Ah. This was getting annoying, Kazuya thought as he passed his hands through his hair, messing it. “Would you like me to leave then? Would you like me to shout of happiness seeing you hurt?” he asked, his voice a little bit sharp. “Would you like me to pretend not to care just because you aren’t able to take it as simply as it comes?” he added, his voice tired and why not, disappointed. He was there for Jin and the man was asking why. Couldn’t a person live without asking why?!
“Yes, I’m not able to take it as it comes!” Jin replied while he lifted himself again, his tone louder than normal. He growled, annoyed that his injures weren’t letting him move as he liked but he decided to ignore them and focused on Kazuya once more. “I told you I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your care and I don’t need faked kindness!!” he continued, feeling his body burning because of his anger. Or maybe it was because of his wounds. “I. Do. Not. Need. Anyone.” He hissed, glaring at Kazuya, his face now only a few centimeters away from the younger’s. “I never needed and I won’t start now. I’m perfectly fine alone.” He added, not giving Kazuya a chance to answer. “Why are you here? Why do you pretend you care about me when it’s obvious that you don’t? Don’t fuck with me, Kazuya, because I’m only injured not blind.”
If Jin hadn’t been injured already, Kazuya would have punched him and this desire could be read in his eyes. Because Jin wasn’t the only one angry, now he was too. Because his feelings were being called fake and cheap. “I might be selling my body to you, but I don’t sell my soul or care.” He said with a shaking voice. “And yes, you’re not blind, you’re just plain stupid.” Kazuya added with an angry tone and got out of the bed. If he stays any longer, Jin would end up even more injured.
“Then I have to thank you for being so intelligent!” Jin rolled his eyes, throwing the blanket off him. “Kazuya Kamenashi, the great one who knows everything and has the kind heart to have pity on those stupid fools who don’t know anything.” He continued with the same exasperated voice, even if he knew he was only talking rubbish. It didn’t matter and if someone had asked him what did, Jin would have answered that he has no clue. He just knew he has to keep talking. “You’re just a bitch who’s afraid of everything.” Jin said while getting out of bed to follow Kazuya. “You…” he didn’t get to finish his sentence because the moment when he raised himself to stand on his own legs, he crushed to the floor, knocking down whatever was on the nightstand next to the bed. “Fuck.” He cursed, now kneeling and trying to control his breath. Damn, he felt like his spine was broken into two and he was sure that some wounds had reopened themselves because of the fast movement.
Kazuya rushed to Jin’s side and took him gently by the arms, pulling him up and back to bed. “Where does it hurt?” he asked on a worried voice looking at Jin’s body as he helped the older lie down. “Don’t move too much, please.” He added as he saw one of his bandages reddening. He didn’t deal very well with blood, Kazuya realized.
“I’m fine.” Jin replied with gritted teeth, cursing in his mind the whole time and successfully succeeding on inventing new ones. Yay for the new generation.
Even if it was full of pain, his voice was now calmer that it even surprised Jin. He was starting to feel again uneasy because he didn’t know what was happening to him. When Kazuya had wanted to leave, he didn’t even realize when he got off bed, wanting to chase after him and drag him back with force if it was necessary. He didn’t want him to be near, but he also felt the need to see Kazuya every time. To smell his strawberry perfume, to feel his body next to his, to kiss his lips until he feels him fainting in his arms. He didn’t want his pity or his care, but Kazuya’s worried eyes made him feel something that he had never experienced before. It was a warm feeling, a soothing one who was telling Jin that maybe it’s good to let Kazuya get a little closer to him.
He was confused and he didn’t know what to do. Since he had met Kazuya, Jin realized that he was infatuated with the younger boy, that he wanted him in his bed day and night, to hear him screaming out of pleasure and need of release. He had searched for him like mad and Jin was blaming himself for letting things getting out of control. When he had finally found him, he became even more intrigued with Kazuya’s personality and wanted to know more about him. He had done everything that was possible to have him and he succeeded. He should feel accomplished.
But he wasn’t. And Jin realized that it was because he wanted more.
It was a scary thought but Jin decided that he can be man enough to accept the truth. It can’t be that bad, can it? A lot of people go through this and they live happily ever after. Jin refrained to add that this happened only in fairytales, but it did happen so it didn’t matter.
He looked at Kazuya and tried to smile, but he moved again and a killing pain swept through his body, making him close his eyes in hurt. He tried to breathe slowly, keeping his eyes closed and trying to remember what he needed to do to ease the pain. His hand automatically started to search for the nightstand’s drawer, opening it and taking some pills out of it which Jin took without water. He waiter for a couple of minutes and only then he opened his eyes again, his dark color finding Kazuya’s brown one looking at him with concern.
Yeah, maybe it wasn’t that bad, Jin thought again. It wasn’t as if he could always open his eyes and see Kazuya’s expression. At some point, he thought that maybe it really doesn’t matter what’s Kazuya’s reason for staying with him when all the others have abandoned him as long as the younger stayed. But Jin was a greedy man and a greedy man wanted all. Not just a moment of worry, but all of his body and soul. He wanted Kazuya more than ever, Jin bitterly realized. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have been in this state, trying to protect him just because he was a good fuck. It was something more, but Jin didn’t feel brave enough at that moment to pinpoint it. So he just let it go, sighing helplessly but now knowing what to do.
“Help me go to the bathroom.”
He just needed some time. Maybe a few days away from Kazuya and his sudden desire to take care of Jin. It wasn’t real and Jin knew it. No one ever gave a damn about him, so why should someone start now?
Kazuya looked and said nothing but simply slipped his hands under Jin’s arms and lifted him gently, careful not to hurt him more. He was confused about the older one’s reactions, but in a way he understood. If he had been hurt, he would probably have been the same - no need for anyone, no need for help or pity. But Kazuya knew perfectly well that he would have craved for human company, for another to take care of him. So, he suspected, that Jin was the same. That’s why he wasn’t going to leave him like that, no matter what he says or does to him. Because in a way, they were the same.
He brought Jin to the bathroom and looked questioningly to him.
Jin ignored him for a second and detached himself from Kazuya to sit on the toilet, trying to regain his breath. He never thought this would get this serious and he would ever be this hurt. Things have gotten too serious and Jin felt like he couldn’t control them anymore. He glanced at Kazuya who seemed to watch his every move and then he hid his eyes behind his bangs. He didn’t want to look at him, not after the revelation that he just had. It was kind of embarrassing, Jin had to admit, but it was also comforting because Kazuya was there for him.
“Look into that drawer, there are bandages there and cotton to clean the blood.” He finally said, pointing to a spot behind Kazuya while he started to rip apart the bandages from his body filled with his blood with a careless expression but hissing from time to time.
But Kazuya didn’t do what Jin told him, instead he gently grabbed Jin’s wrists to stop him from tearing up the bandages alongside with his skin. “I’ll do it.” He said on a calm voice. “You don’t need to tear them like that…” he added with a slight reproach in his voice.
Jin looked up at Kazuya with slightly trembling eyes, not really daring to meet Kazuya’s but he felt an invisible force pushing him to gather his courage and look into his eyes. Honestly, he wanted to laugh. He had never been afraid, not even when he was faced with death, not even when he had been alone and didn’t have anyone to ask what he should do to survive. But now he was feeling his heart beating faster, in excitement and fear, with a terrifying fear of Kazuya. Of what he feels, of what he wants to do, of what he would do if he were free from Jin.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked, his voice only a murmur but loud enough to be heard. He didn’t protest when the younger began to do what he had started, his mind didn’t register that his wounds still hurt. He could only feel Kazuya’s warm hands on his skin and that feeling was enough.
The younger looked up briefly at Jin and smiled feebly. “Sure thing.” he replied, turning a bit just to get to the drawer Jin had indicated earlier. He took out the medical skit and began fumbling with new bandages and some iodine. He pressed the bottle against some cotton and with slow and careful moves, he began to wipe the blood that had gushed through the sewing.
If Jin had to be honest, he would say that there a lot more questions that he would rather ask. But he knew that Kazuya won’t answer or at least he won’t be completely honest. He didn’t know if he will have the courage to ask him later or maybe he will just forget about it. But in that moment he didn’t want to think about such things. Actually, he didn’t want to think about anything, just to go to bed and sleep and when he’ll wake up, the first face he’ll see will be Kazuya’s again.
He took a breath. He opened his mouth, wanting to sound completely indifferent, but his voice instead seemed to rather be needy. “If I would let you go…” he stopped and saw Kazuya also stopping his administrations. “… what will you do?”
Hmm, did Kazuya drug himself and Jin was paying the consequences? Because the younger didn’t expect Jin to come up with such a question. One that not even him had thought of it. Not until now of course, because he never thought of having a chance to get free. Because, from the beginning, he had never been free so why should things change now? But if indeed Jin meant what he said, what would he really do?
“I don’t know.” Kazuya shrugged and resumed his actions. “Probably go back to my old life.” He added, blowing a little over the burning gush seeing Jin wince from pain. “I will still need my drugs, you know? So… with you or without you, I’d still be caught.” He continued with a bittersweet tone and a feeble smile dancing on his lips. “Why do you ask though?” he looked up, curiosity in his eyes.
“Do you want to go back to your old life?” Jin instead asked, ignoring Kazuya’s question. Of course, this didn’t mean that he was willing to let Kazuya go, but… just but… Maybe he was just a fool to have such expectations from the younger. But he couldn’t help it. It was the first time someone showed something more than pity to Jin and he didn’t know how to take it. He didn’t know what to do, but his burning desire to have the boy in front of him was more powerful than anything. He didn’t want to give up on him, he would never do it, but… what if that was what the younger wanted?
“Would you prefer to go back in clubs to search for drugs and to never see me again?” Jin continued, his voice now calm, void of any emotions. His eyes were still trembling a little but Jin was doing his best to subdue them and to keep things under his control. He had to keep his calm or else he would be screwed. “Do you want to… leave me?“ he added, cursing himself for the fact that he couldn’t stop his heart from beating this fast, knowing that Kazuya will feel it under his palms.
What was this? Why was Jin asking him such… such embarrassing and unreasonable questions?! It wasn’t his fault that he was now tied to him, was it? It hadn’t been Kazuya’s decision to live next to Jin so why was the older asking such things?! Of course he preferred freedom, of course he wanted to leave him if this meant to live a life free of chains to bind him to something, to someone! Jin should know these the best, shouldn’t he?? Then why was he asking…
Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he keeping quiet as if all he was thinking were just half true? No, Kazuya wasn’t deceiving himself, no… he really wanted to leave Jin. Just, just that right now wasn’t the moment, was it? The man was hurt and he would never forgive himself if he would walk out of Jin’s life right now.
“Why do you ask such questions?” Kazuya finally replied in the same time he finished changing the bandages. “You should know what I wish the most by now, shouldn’t you?” he added and rose up, throwing into the bin the blooded bandages that made him sick. He turned to Jin with a pale and determined face before bending down to help the older. “I’m here now, so don’t ask such awkward questions, okay?” he said, his eyes at the same level as Jin’s.
Jin wanted to laugh and he did so, only that his laugh came out more as a bitter sound of defeat. “Of course you would leave.” He said, not looking at Kazuya and sitting up, this time not feeling the pain at all. He turned his back to Kazuya and exited the bathroom limping, not wanting to look at him or hear another word from him. Maybe it was enough already, he thought, closing his eyes for a moment and opening them again to search in the drawer next to his bed for some pills. He knew Pi had left him something.
For the first time, Kazuya felt angry with himself. He didn’t manage to make himself understood and also, he didn’t understand himself either! He wanted to say something, but that something didn’t match with his reality and he didn’t want to admit something that maybe wasn’t close to reality, but only a sick need. Yet now wasn’t the time to argue with his inner self about what was need and what was reality, because he needed to take care of Jin. So he quickly followed the man and stopped him before taking some pills.
“What are those?” he asked a bit rougher than intended. Fuck! It wasn’t his fault that Jin asked such stupid questions!
“Painkillers.” Jin simply replied, turning his back on Kazuya again and heading to the table where there was a bottle of water. He took them without a second thought, gulping down the whole bottle. He wiped his mouth with his hand and glanced at Kazuya. So what? Now he was the one getting mad? And for what? It wasn’t like Jin had asked him to solve an equation. It was just a simple thing, just a simple answer. One that hurt like hell.
“I’m hungry.” He simply stated, looking at Kazuya. Well, he was the one who said that he wants to help, right?! And Jin had a lot of ideas to put that ass to work.
The younger wanted to say something, but closed his mouth without uttering a single word. Instead he went over to Jin and stopped in front of him, his hands on his hips, looking as a mother ready to scold her child. He kept staring at the older for almost a minute, before finally deciding to say something.
“While I cook, you stay in bed.” His voice allowed no arguments. He turned his back on Jin and went to exit the door. He stopped for a moment, his hand hovering over the doorknob. “And I never said I’d leave.” He added before opening the door and closing it behind him.
Jin smirked, looking happily at the closed door. It wasn’t an assurance, but it was enough for now. He knew that the younger had said that because he really doesn’t want to leave him, because he wants to stay with Jin as much as he wants too. It will be fine, Jin thought, because as long as Kazuya won’t leave him, he will do anything so that the younger will never feel the need to do so. He can take care of Kazuya, he can provide him with everything he needs, including drugs if the younger was so keen to take them. Jin knew that it isn’t a safe thing to do, but it will be alright for the moment. He just needed more time until the younger will willingly give up drugs and seek comfort in his arms.
He smiled, almost flying to the bed if he had been able to do. But his wounds didn’t let him do as he pleased, so Jin limped to the bed, jumping on it and tucking himself with the blanket. It was strange, he was strange. Why was he feeling like a fool? Why was he feeling like he could take on the whole world, confident that he’ll definitely win? He couldn’t stop grinning and Kazuya’s words kept ringing in his head.
<< I never said I’d leave. >>
Surely, this meant that Kazuya wanted to be with him too, right? It had to because Jin couldn’t find another explanation for this or for the way he was feeling. He was certain that it must mean something, Kazuya wouldn’t have said those words if he hadn’t meant them. He had noticed something since he met Kazuya. The younger had never lied to him. He had hidden things to him, he had ignored the question and tried to discuss something else, he had replied but not in the way Jin expected him to. But he had never lied, not even once.
It made Jin content, especially when he thought that Kazuya was maybe the only person in the world who had never lied to him. He felt guilty for doing it to him and for still hiding a lot of things from the younger, but Jin decided that it was still time for these kind of things. Kazuya won’t go anywhere, he won’t leave Jin.
He won’t leave him alone.
Jin didn’t know how much time had passed while he thought at this, but soon the smell of delicious food came barging into his room, making his stomach growl. He licked his lips and looked at the door like a puppy, waiting for Kazuya to open it and to give him food. He didn’t dare to leave the bed because he had promised him that he’ll be a good boy and will stay in bed while Kazuya cooks. He sighed, feeling even hungrier since he noticed the inviting smell. His ears were listening to every sound and when he heard Kazuya’s footsteps, he felt like he could start singing of happiness. The door was finally opened and Jin greeted the younger with a wide smile and puppy eyes, waiting to be fed.
Kazuya entered the room with a tray on which he carried a bowl of soup, another one of rice with vegetables and chicken and some home-made bread. He hadn’t been sure about these dishes, but he supposed that a wounded man couldn’t eat rough dishes like beef or fast-food. Instead a healthy food choice was better. He laid the tray on the bedside table and took out some napkins, putting one on Jin as if he was a baby. He took the bowl soup and blew over a soup filled spoon before taking it closer to Jin’s lips.
“Say ‘aaah’.” Kazuya looked at the man in front of him with warm and shining eyes.
To say that Jin was surprised was too far from the truth. He had been watching Kazuya’s every move, wondering when he’s going to talk or if he’s going to do it at all. The last thing that he expected to see was Kazuya sitting next to him and… feeding him. Even if he had to admit that it was an inviting image that made him imagine even more things.
He grinned and opened his mouth, obviously more than happy for such a development. He chose to not say anything and it seemed like Kazuya was on the same line of thought, neither him saying anything and just continuing to feed Jin until the whole food was finished.
“Thanks.” Was the first word he said since Kazuya had returned in the room. Jin’s eyes were somehow sparkling but honesty was the only thing visible in them. His hand searched for Kazuya’s and he gently grabbed it, squishing it a little and smiling awkwardly. He was almost feeling shy and he was cursing himself for being so vulnerable in front of Kazuya. Nevertheless, he kind of enjoyed it. Because he knew that Kazuya is the first and only one to see him like this. Shy, unsecure, afraid of meeting his eyes and to find disdain in them.
“Thanks for… being here for me.” He added after a few seconds. “No one had ever done this for me.” He confessed, not feeling in the mood to look at Kazuya and see his startled expression which he was sure that his dark eyes will meet if he has enough courage to raise his head and look away from their entangled hands.
Kazuya looked at Jin and wondered why there hadn’t been anyone before. Of course, he had a jackass attitude, but what about his parents? He was sure that every parent - well, normal ones - was there for his child in times of need. So why would Jin say something like this? Did something happen with his parents?
“You don’t have to thank me.” He finally said, knowing that he will not ask anything related to Jin. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew very well if such a subject was a sensitive one, it would turn out to be painful. “I did it because I wanted to.” He added and squeezed back Jin’s hand before slipping his own out of it.
He took the tray and got down from Jin’s bed. Before leaving, he bent down and kissed Jin’s hair, murmuring ‘good boy’, like a mother would do. Kazuya will never say that this had been his most hidden desire since he was a child - to be taken care by a loving mother. And he will never notice that he had so much love and tender to offer if not for the past.
Kazuya left the room feeling a bit happy, leaving behind for a second time a confused Jin.
He honestly didn’t get it. He didn’t because it was too much and those kind gestures, gestures of affection were like strangers to Jin. He never knew that his heart can beat this fast. He never knew that he can feel this warm and peaceful and… happy. He knew he was smiling like a fool. He didn’t even remember when the smile had started to form on his lips, but now he was conscious of it and it only made Jin feel happier.
He had never felt this way. It was like a whole new world had been opened to him and Jin had finally discovered something important. He had never thought that a kind word can make someone feel good and he has always believed in one’s power and ability to work things out. This was the law of the jungle, this was the world Jin had been raised in. He had never known affection or love because there wasn’t anyone there to give it to him. He had only heard of this word and he had always laughed at those fools who claimed that they’re in love. Even more when they were willing to die for their loved ones.
He used to have fun watching them. He used to torture mothers, fathers, and he enjoyed hearing them pleading for their kids’ life and not for their own. They were just faking, hoping that Jin will feel sorry for them and will let them go, that’s what he had always thought. But now… maybe now he was starting to know what they were talking about. Just a little, not too much. He was afraid to admit how much Kazuya’s kindness had affected him even if he was somehow aware of it.
Because… he had fought to protect the younger when his own life was in danger. Kazuya’s presence had made him feel stronger and only the thought that someone will touch him was driving him mad. Kazuya was only his, he was the only one who could touch him!
He shook his head and decided to not think about things like these. It was better this way. The matter had been solved and the guy was dead. No one was going to hurt Kazuya anymore and he… Jin was going to make sure of that.
“Kazu…” he called for the younger when he saw him entering the room. “Come here.” He said, his voice sounding more like he was pleading. He stretched his hand towards the younger, a dreamy expression on his face.
The younger looked a bit wary at first, but his face relaxed into a smile before he complied to Jin’s wish. He took the hand and sat again on the bed this time with an inquiring expression on his face. “Did something happen?” he asked on a low voice.
“No, I just wanted to feel you close.” Jin simply stated, with a voice that said it was obvious what he wanted to do. He continued to pull on Kazuya’s hand, making the younger lay down next to him. Jin took advantage of that and quickly approached Kazuya, cuddling in his arms and sniffing at his chest. “Much better.” He murmured, feeling content to be in Kazuya’s embrace.
The younger chuckled a little, amused by the childish behavior of Jin. He wanted to be cuddled and he came to Kazuya, like a child craving for affection. They were indeed the same, both needed and wanted care in their life, they needed love. If Jin had came to him like this from the start, Kazuya might have accepted him … he might have came to truly like him. But Jin wasn’t entirely at fault. He was guilty too of having started like they did; but since meeting Jin, he had changed. Whether for good or for bad, he would have to find out. “You’re such a child.” Kazuya said and passed his fingers through Jin’s silky hair.
“I’m not a child!” Jin pouted, strengthening his hold on Kazuya’s waist and completely hiding his face into the younger’s shirt. He was feeling good and even if his body was still hurting, Jin didn’t care about things like these. He could ignore the pain almost like it wasn’t even there as long as he was in Kazuya’s arms. Maybe he really was like a child or maybe it was because he was hurt, it didn’t matter. Whatever it was, Jin only knew that he needs Kazuya and he wants him close to him more than anything. “But…” he added after a slight long pause, “I like being like this. With you. It seems like there’s only us and nobody else matters.” He sighed, his eyes darkening a little but his hair was still hiding them so Kazuya could see nothing. “Like we have no problems and… we’re happy. Even if I don’t know what happiness is and this is the first time I use this word.” Jin laughed bitterly, his fingers clutching at the younger’s shirt.
Kazuya blinked in surprise at Jin’s confession and felt kind of heart-warming. He found Jin’s insecurity quite charming, even if there was also bitterness. “No one can truly define happiness. And you don’t have to know it, you have to feel it.” He answered, hiding his own bitterness. “And you are a child.” He emphasized the last word, biting his tongue on commenting about the idyllic appearance that Jin just mentioned. They were not in the least happy, it was just a dream-like state. Just like the drugs Kazuya takes when he wants to escape reality.
“Then… when are you feeling happy?” Jin slowly asked, more murmuring the words because of his tiredness. The bed was so comfortable and Kazuya’s body was more than inviting… He didn’t know what made him ask such a thing. He already suspected that neither Kazuya knows this word, but… maybe it was for the best this way, right? Maybe now… they could search for it together.
Or they could fall together even deeper.
Narcotics. That was the first word that came in Kazuya’s mind after hearing Jin’s question. But he won’t say such a realistic answer, he can’t make himself say it, he can’t make himself admit it. Although, that was the sole moment when he could really detach himself from everything and be happy at his heart’s content. He didn’t have to worry about anything, because he will not care.
“I don’t know. Never really thought about it.” Kazuya casually replied, thinking that he didn’t even allow himself to feel happiness. And neither others did.
“Then how do you know that it exists?” Jin continued his interrogatory, hiding a yawn with his hand. He was starting to feel sleepy and Jin cursed those pills because they made him feel weak and powerless. He didn’t want to close his eyes because he knew it won’t take that long until he’ll fall asleep and he still wanted to spend some time with Kazuya. He hadn’t been alone when he woke up last time and now Jin was kind of surprised of his fear to open his eyes yet again and discover that he’s still alone. That Kazuya had left him.
“I don’t believe in things that I can’t see…” he added, his voice heavy and his words whispered.
“Credendo vides.” Kazuya said remembering a movie he had seen, but didn’t continue and instead he whispered to the sleepy Jin. “It’s better if you sleep. We’ll talk later about happiness.” He pushed Jin back on the pillows and tugged him like a mother would do with her child. He didn’t leave the bed, but he remained by his side and caressed his hair, humming slowly until Jin finally fell asleep with a small smile on his face.