Cullen The Herd 1.1
CAUTION: As always 60 jpg images for a 3mb dialup mostly friendly reading experience. :D Also I must caution, PROLIFIC USE OF THAT PEGGY HAIR, swearing, outrage, poor personal hygeine and liberal outbirking with the fire of our wood..!
OVERLY VERBOSE INTRODUCTORY PASSAGE IS OVERLY VERBOSE:
As the teaser image suggests, this is a matriarch legacy. Which means only girls can inherit the torch. The teaser also says that this is a poverty challenge legacy, which largely translates to me hating myself. xD This is ALSO a pixel_trade challenge legacy. Which means all sims that our intrepid founder and her progeny 'mate with' must be sims made by other pixel_trade members. This ALSO kind of means that there can't really be any marriages or move ins due to poverty challenge rules that those sims can only be service sims.
SO! Basically what I'm doing is a poverty challenge, with the caveat that I am completely doing vampires. Screw not doing vamps, THIS IS SPAARTAAAA THE CULLENS!! BUT! To counter act this I'm making it a rule that no sims can marry in, and the only way there can be new sims that live on the lot is if they are born (pets notwithstanding). Any boys born on the lot that survive to adulthood must move out on their 18th birthday (when I age them up and ship them out xD). I do in fact Cull the Herd!
ALSO! Because there's no mention of Bon Voyage in the rules (even though there's options for Freetime, RANDOM) I've made a house rule that if any sim digs up items worth more than $200 then I have to buy trees on the lot to the value of the excess -- so the household is left with $200 from that find. BUT! I'm allowing the treasure chest as often as it's dug up. Because DUDES, TREASURE! COME ON! As if piracy doesn't make vampires three thousand percent more awesome. :D
OH ALSO! Just to add, my naming scheme for the Cullens is famous vampires (or vampire related characters) from fiction/history. Here's hoping there's as many famous vampire chicks out there as I think there are... xD
TEAL DEER? (OOOH LOOK AT HIS HOOOVES!!) I'M INSANE, K?
We begin our sunny voyeurism into the life of the Cullens on this rather... desolate scene... Bathory Cullen, $100 and a a plot of land on the poor side of the tracks to her name... So poor that the wind farm across the street don't appear to be able to afford freaken rotors for their windmills. HEY YOU GUYS? Business plan fail. ^_^;;;
Also, electricity fail, how is anyone getting any power out here?
Aaaaah! So, getting back on track (because we all know I'll last maybe four minutes on target ^_^;;;), here is our delicious fc3 winning founder, katu_sims 's Toodles, renamed here as Bathory Cullen. She has BUTTERSCOTCH TOOOPAZ EEEEYES as is befitting a Cullen, only they're totes fake and she's got greenies under her contacts. xD
Why the OVERLY used last name, you ask? Am I a huge Twilight fangirl? Am I a SIF and TwiMum? WHY NO! Everyone and everyone can know I'm a size 14/16 - SECRET INTERNET AVERAGE WEIGHTER? xD - and I've never once read any of the books. BUT!! Ma dudes, moonlapse, well one night while I was playing the Kohler-Wielles he was perusing some more epic Twilols and turned to me with a challenge. "I think you need to make a legacy called the Cullens. So that they can descend from themselves."
AND THEN LO! THE FC3 WAS ANNOUNCED, AND YEY VERILY. IT WAS GOOD.
The first thing a prospective insane-player-hates-themselves legacy founder must do when embarking upon a road to generational exemploryness? Why they must harness their chi, contemplate the existence and very meaning of simkind, and be all those things that make you totes deep and stuff.
Or contemplate getting the HELL OUT and swimming across the cove and hiding out in that lighthouse. Its got four walls and a door and WINDOWS even, which is so much more than Bathory has...
Cause all she owns is a whole lot of dirt. Loamy, fertile dirt, but dirt all the same.
Bathory: AAAUUUGH THIS PLACE IS A MESS!
Me: OMG You don't say. HAY YOU GUISE! DIRT IS DIRTY, NEWS AT ELEVEN!
Bathory: GRAAAAH! Being poor sucks and now you're making fun of my misfortunes? I'm a fortune sim and you decided to make this a poverty legacy. A POVERTY LEGACY! Seriously a plague on both your houses.. >_>;;;
Me: NuuUUuuU! But I love you, plus putting a plague on both my houses would mean you'd be plagued as well as the Kohler-Wielles. And they've already bought THAT t-shirt. Besides, I think you're pretty. :D
Bathory: EEEheheheheeeEHEHheHEEE!! K *beams*
LAWD, she might be easily won over by off the cuff compliments, but I love this girls epic facery. Even those totes 90s Toni Braxton lips suit her nommilicious features. I HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR YOUR CHILLENS, MY DEAR!
After an exhaustive first morning of planting four tomato plants and bitching about some shallow holes in the ground, Bathory draws HUGE DELIGHT in piercing a watermain. Suddenly not only does she own some dirt, but now she has amassed an impressive water feature, complete with puddle fish pond.
Landscaping Pollyannaism at its finest.
And then to break up the reverie in which Bathory had been magically caught up in, staring wistfully at the droplets of her resplendant water feature: A WELCOME WAGON OF EPIC PROPORTIONS ARRIVED!!
THIS IS NOT EVEN CAUSED BY ME HAVING ONLY THIS MANY TOWNIES IN GAME! I in fact had at this point 30 generated townies + about 25 pixel_trade CAS created townies in game. And this is who showed up. SO MUCH WINSAUCE I CANNOT EVEN CONTAIN IT!
brilliantcat's selfsim (with an approximated hairdo and outfit similar to her new hawt look xD), simsforaranya's Dale Forest, and one of my perennial favourites, katu_sims 's Bilbo Dork. You may or may not recall that Bilbo married my self sim back in the original Kohler-Wielle neighbourhood. MUAHAHAHAA! xD :D :D
Dale exudes AWESOME by keeping Bathory's fabulous water feature and it's fish pond in check. Meanwhile Bilbo and Cat ignore Bathory's ~*~*EXEMPLORY EXAMPLE OF HIGH CLASS LANDSCAPING*~*~ and talk about the big issues like what would've happened if the Germans had really won world war two...
Cat: Look Bilbo, this might be hard for you to believe, but some people aren't happy just sitting around watching Big Brother while there's war on. Some people are prepared to get up and do what it takes to defend their country.
Bilbo: Yeah, well, who cares who wins the wars anyway. I mean, they're all the same when it comes down to it. Blair and Major, Saddam and Hague, and Hitler.
Cat: What the hell are you talking about? Of course they're not the same! I mean, what would've happened if the Germans had won the war, eh?
Bilbo: Wouldn't have made much difference.
Cat: What are you talking about? Of course there would've been a difference! It would've made an extremely big difference!
Bilbo: Yeah, sure. We'd all be walking in big boots with leather coats, and eating cheese for breakfast, but would that be such a bad thing? I mean, we'd be part of the German empire, but that's just the same as the American empire. Instead of going to McDonald's, we'd probably all go down to Herr Bratwurst's for a Hitler Burger, and then, you know, treat ourselves to a brand new pair of lederhosen from Das Gap. It's all the same.
(IMMA GIVE YOU ENORMOUS COOKIES IF YOU GOT THAT HUAG REFERENCE!)
Dale: Hrrrmmm, I predict an increase in precipitation...
Bathory: AWESOME cause I could use a shower... I bought this new fragrance, Eu du BOS™? You've probably seen all the bus shelter advertising and the tv campaign with The Foot Sarah Jessica Parker? Anyway... It's really not doing anything for me, and swimming in the ocean doesn't seem to shift it even though salt water is an excellent disinfectant and sand is one of the best natural exfoliants in the world...
Me: MAXIS >_> >_>;;;
Dale: Wow... That's interesting... *vagues out* Want to snog?
Bathory: REALLY?!?! NO FOR REALS?! LIKE, ITS MY BIRTHDAY? FOR REAL REAL NOT JUST FOR PLAY PLAY?! *ECSTATIC*
Dale & Cat: Chinese food is SERIOUS BUSINESS
Bilbo: .. And then after you're hired, you show up and clock in with a little paper card. After your shift is over, you clock out and that's how they tell how much money they pay you. And then you can afford items like indoor plumbing. Maybe you could build yourself an aqueduct or something, or expand your garden to an actual market garden with some high quality irrigation with a de-sal system straight from the sea.
Me: Uh, how about just any kind of plumbing, lets not get ahead of ourselves ^_^;;
Bathory: *mind is blown*
Bathory's Tip For Being In a Poverty Legacy #666:
If you've enough money to order take-out, and do not have any way of aquiring food any other way. Do not, under any circumstances order chinese. Cause you'll be spending the next four days of your life carrying each individual box to the rubbish bin on the street. Apparently, chinese food boxes do not stack.
Me: MAXIS >_> >_>;;
Bathory: OH HAI! YEAH, OVER HERE! ME! YEAH THE ONE WITH THEIR ARMS WAVING AROUND?! No I am NOT at a Dj Kool party. I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE DUNNY, THANKS. GOT ONE AROUND HERE!?
Me: Um, no sweetie I don't. I'm sorry ^_^;; You have $6 left. When you go to work tomorrow you might be able to buy a toilet? *fears that her founder is going to die in about three sim days and this whole FC3 legacy thing will be prematurely over*
BallOfStink™: Hey, I'll be the stand-in founder if she carks it? :D
Me: You seem... A little TOO excited about this prospect... DDDD: IS THIS WHY YOU KEEP HANGING AROUND HER LADYPITS?!
BallOfStink™: No, I just enjoy her outrageous flavour. Her death and my imminent inheritence of the flag is just another perk.
Bathory: HEY! YEAH ME AGAIN! Sorry to keep harping on about this, I know you're a busy girl and all.. But, yaknow... When you're done talking to the gaseous cloud... STILL IN FRAKKIN' NEED OF A TOILET AROUND HURRRRR!!
So then I checked her inventory and she had enough bones and rocks to sell to be able to afford a maxis made toilet and I REJOICED!! Also, I so wish I could just sell random bits of crap from my back yard for much dollars. Like, a piece of crap rock? $25? DUDE! SOMEONE COME TAKE ALL MA ROCKS, K?!?!
Uh.. Where was I? OH RIGHT. Then I discovered that you can only place toilets against walls (why I didn't think of just move_objects on-ing that thing I have no idea, attempting to play by the rules at all times I guess, OVERRATED OBVIOUSLY) so I bought one piece of wall first to put the toilet against and uh... Well...
The poor dear had to pee on her majestic landscaping.
But I figured, okay well dig up some more ostentatiously priced rocks and shit (I swear, LITERALLY) and we can get you a sink for a sponge bath. :D But she had the contrasting plan of deciding to create another augustly noble water feature. A water feature that she then freaked out about, which would've made her hygiene levels even lower if they were not already minned the hell out (you know that's no where near as impressive sounding as maxed the hell out). BUT the water feature did manage to do something visually impressive with her as-yet unsoaked-in pee.
WITNESS THE MODERNIST ABSTRACT ARTS!! THE DELICIOUS GRADIENTS! THE CONTRAST, YELLOW TO BLUE! Oh the marvel..!
So I'm not so sure about Bathory's latest fountainous triumph... It appears to be spreading urine around... Urine pools, although sterile and drinkable, not exactly the most sanitary of all the things that could go in a fountain.
Although, I guess, bathing in chocolate fountains wouldn't be too sanitary after a day or so either and I'd be mega excited if she accidentlly burst a chocolate sauce main... HYPOCRITICAL!?
~*~*PICTURESQUE!*~*~
THIS right here is Bathory's paperboy. SO MUCH FACIAL HAIR FOR A 13 YEAR OLD! I'm impressed by your form, child! From your OVERLY GROOMED eyebrows I'm thinking you're one of those metrosexual kids that prides themselves on their looks even whilst wearing unflattering paper route uniforms. So the question is, does he shave specifically to maintain a constant five o'clock shadow, OR! Did he leave the house clean shaven this morning and his beard is simply a lack in concentration?
You know, MUST NOT GROW BEARD, MUST NOT GROW BEARD, MUST CONTROL HAIR FOLICLES, MUST NOT -- oOooh look a puppy! *BEARDSPROING*
ooOOoOoh! This is the chick that Bathory carpools with to her dead-beat job. Which I can't even remember what it is... Entry level law career track I think cause of her work uniform... BUT IDK. ANYWAY! That's hardly the point. THIS is the only maxis facetemplate I have left in the game. Why? CAUSE I LOVE IT! Its like #8 or something and is so cutes! So I got excited every morning when Bathory jumped in the car to go to work cause then I got to revere her driver's adorable face.*smushes*
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE CAN NOW AFFORD.... A CLOSETLESS WATER CLOSET! A ROOMLESS COMFORT ROOM..! A DROPLESS LONG DROP..! A... Wow, humans have come up with a hell of a lot of names for dunny, ne?
Awww poor thing. *hughug* Such fitful nightmares ma bb. She naps on her ever so stylish couch but spends more time with her eyes open not resting than closed. MONEY FOR TENT CANNOT COME FAST ENOUGH. But first, she needs to eat... TIME FOR PIZZA DELIVERY! :D
OH MY GOD! EPIC PIZZA DELIVERY CHICK HAIR!! Its like a bunch of deities from the Goddess Assistance Agency got sent to this part of town to assist simkind but were all forced to get low-paying day jobs cause that's all that's available in this side of town.
I don't care if her name ain't Belldandy, IT IS NOW! xD
Oh man Bathory, that's right, go ahead, INHALE that deliciously easy to clean up after aroma..! Sweet sweet pizza smells, one box, no waiting..!
Chinese Food Boxes: *fester*
Okay. so MYSTERY YOU GUYS!!! Why did I name this file 'Audience Participation'?? O_O Was it because I was going to get you all to caption this? Was it because Bathory is clearly raging against the proletariat again and the little dog - Poppo! OMG ADORABLES - is just passively watching instead of actually reacting to her animated gesticulations?
I DON'T KNOW!
Bathory: OH LORDS AM I PREGNANT?!?!
Me: No, you've never even had sex... WTH?! Unless, BALL OF STINK!??!
Ball of Stink™: *DDDDDDDDDDDDDD: *hides in toilet*
I am not a dog person, but OH MY LAWDS I WANT THIS DOG! O_O;; He's got a demon in him! A DEMON! And it only shows its face when no one is around to see it.
Except us. But we're INVISIBLE. And so we don't count. K?
Uh... Wow maybe I don't want this dog afterall... Bathory's at work, the phone is ringing off the hook cause people don't respect office hours (nor do they respect dinner time, have you noticed that? Damn telemarketing companies. I'M ON THE DAMN DO NOT CALL REGISTER, NOOBS!) and so the dog decides its a perfect time to rip her couch to shreds because its not her ONLY source of comfort or anything.
YES A SINK!! OH LORDS YOU GUYS A SIIIINK!! Now she can sponge bath, AND wash her hands before and after every meal :D :D
Yes I did waste a bit of her money making the wall look like it was always made of brick. What of it? Oh yeah, the girl kept digging up ming vases and other ridiculous items from her back yard, hence all the shrubbery and bamboo... ^_^;; I swear by the end of this legacy there's gonna be a freaken forest on this lot! xD
Bilbo, like some kind of delicious phone stalker - otherwise known as a friend - calls Bathory every night after a respectable amont of time to rest etc after getting home from work has gone past. AWwwwWWwWwWwwWwwww..!
NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! The girl NEEDS THE MONEY! AUGH!!
I had her check the paper but there wasn't any jobs going that she was able to go to that day either. TIME TO DIG UP MORE PIECE OF CRAP BONES TO SELL TO UNWITTING TOURISTS, MY GIRL! You can claim they're authentic bones of indigenous tribesmen that used to inhabit these parts before they all evolved into wolves. Or evolved from wolves... Evolved from wolves into humans and then back into fursploding sometimes wolves? Cause vaguely anthropormorphic wolf is only a sometimes food.
Just like cookies, kids!
Items on Bathory's wishlist that she will never attain, number #42.
About here I was relating the tales of what Bathory was going through to moonlapse and he was incredulous that I'd put a fortune sim through all of this on purpose. And he looked at me with THE FACE OF YOU CANNOT RESISTANCE +03948923 TO YOU CANNOT RESIST and I nearly caved and converted this to just a normal legacy.
But luckily we were in a car on the way to a friends house so by the time we got back home I'd totally forgotten about his impressive guilt trip and continued on like it had never happened. :D GOLDFISH BRAINS FOR THE WIN, CHILDREN!
FINALLY! Bathory earned enough money to purchase a shower.,! And I got to revel in the majesty of the peggy braids at their most Lady Godiva finest. No need for cute censor words or images, NO WAITING! :D
You gotta admit, this is kind of picturesque... CONVENIENT BAMBOO IS ALSO VERY CONVENIENT! Although with a body like hers, Bathory could completely decide to leave this settling down business behind her, install some caretaker rent-free and take up naked rambling in Switzerland. ITS NOT ILLEGAL YOU GUYS! Just like being able to pee in the street as long as you got one hand on a horse. :D :D :D
*high fives dragancaor for linking the awesomesauce news story*
The purpose of this screenshot is two fold:
1) To say: HAI MUUSIM!! I should totes make another version of you in CAS as a mans so you can be breds into the Cullens :D
and
2) OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! CHECK OUT THE EPIC PORNO MUSTACHE MAILMAN. HE'S COME TO FILL YOUR MAIL SLOT WITH THE CONTENTS OF HIS GARGANTUAN MAIL SACK! AND..! OMG AND AND AND! Guess what his name is? OMG no, seriously, GUESS WHAT IT IS. I bet you can't.
No?
GANESH O'REILLY!!!
GANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH..!!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
PUN ALERT. WHOOOOOOOP!! WHOOOOOP!!! PUN ALERT..!!!!! YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE IMMINENT PUN, PLEASE STEP BACK!
Can you Spot, the Werewolf?
*commits seppuku for even contemplating writing that, let alone doing it*
Me: Um, Bathory? I don't think that food is still good... Its kind of been on the ground for about a week...
Bathory: MMmmmphutt you ... mmaaawknnn abouwwwut? SSss'MmMmlicious.
Me: Um, K. Just don't, die of food poisoning before this Legacy even goes anywhere, k?
OH MY GOD PEOPLE. WE HAVE SOCIAL BUNNY!! Apparently Bilbo's nightly phone calls have not been enough to keep Bathory's social levels in check. MY FIRST EVER SOCIAL BUNNY YOU GUYS! Like EVER!!
Social Bunny: HAI EV'RYBOHDEEEEE!!
Audience: HAI DOCTOR NICK SOCIAL BUNNY!!
Uh, so, Social Bunny? Being social? You appear to in fact be going about it in an incorrectly executed manner. THIS ONE IS FAULTY, PLEASE TO BE PROVIDING US WITH A REFUND IN FULL?
OH MY GOD, THE SOCIAL BUNNY HOPS?!?! O_O O_O O_O
THE MORE YOU KNOW! *SPARKLEMAZEMENT*
Hahahhaa WHAT THE HELL YOU CAN FAMILY KISS THE SOCIAL BUNNY?! Are there furries at Maxis? Did they all play Furcadia or something? D'Aww at the uber cute nose rubbing though. *squeals with delight*
RandomTeenageTownie: YOU LOCO LADY! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Me: Well, actually, no she doesn't. She was birthed into the world fully grown, as it happens. LIKE YOU! O_o;;
I know, obligatory oOoOh its raining shot is all obligatory and shit. BUT OH MY GOD COME ON, how could I deny myself and everyone screenshots of this level of adorable?!
I couldn't! Plus look at her little wibbly bottom lip. ARMAGADS..!
*entranced by the butterscotch topazness*
Oh maaaan now I want to go get some butterscotch+cookie dough from Cold Rock. BAAAAAH! TOO HOT TO GO GET ICE CREAM! DAMMIT! Yes I know that sounds wrong, but I am in fact IN an ACTUAL killer heat wave currently, going outside basically means certain death. Why go outside for Butterscotch when I can enjoy it from the comfort of my own home? ;D
*goes to lick my screen and then remembers, oh yeah, that'd be gross*
OKay honey, enough of this enjoying the weather business, BACK TO WORK! We gotta plunder some of that delicious loamie soils you've an abundance of.
*cracks whip*
Hey, wait, what's the Social Bunny juggling there? O_O
Uh.. I don't know which is scarier... The fact that the male little juggle piece has CHEEKBONES OF HATTORI HANZO STEEL or that the bunny's juggling about with innocent, lonely sims' lives.
Okay so I know that's what WE do when we play, but we're not mammoth rabbits created purely out of a person's lonely subconcious.
Are we?
HEEEEHEEE! HAI TO YOU TOO, LEMON_LIME35'S MISS SCARLET!!
She was made for me by Jenji back in the middle of last year for an Asylum Challenge I'd made up based on Cluedo. Miss Scarlet died EPICALLY -- killed at the base of the grand staircase by the ghost of Mr Black, she even reached her hands up the stairs before she died in a pitiful pile of her own passed liquids. IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE AWESOME HAD I SCRIPTED IT!! But then the rest of the challenge was boring as batshit so I never got around to posting it. xD
OMG YAY FINALLY ENOUGH MONEY FOR A TENT!! :D :D WOOOO! I figure a tent would be more epic than a bed, and would protect her more from the elements etc than a bed just sitting out in the snow/sun etc. Right?
Right? That's right, right?
Yeah, Bilbo continues to make his nightly phone calls... And filling Bathory's head with CONSTANT REVELAAATIOOONS..!!
Bilbo: Hippos are the third largest animal on land. Only elephants and some rhinos are bigger.
Bathory: Whoa really?
Bilbo: And you know what else?
Bathory: No?
Bilbo: They're not purple in real life!
Bathory: OH MY GOD!!!! O_O
Uh, where did this rather morbid jar of dead butterflies on the beach come from? Bathory's never tried to catch butterflies, she's been too busy not-dying.
IS IT A SIGN?!?!?!
Oh wow this is JUST what she needed... Although, considering her eating habits, everbody raise your hand if you're at ALL shocked...
No one? Anyone? Dust?
This is the first post of a legacy, so normally people are preggers by now, Y/Y? So you think this is immaculate conception, the product of BallOfStink™ and Bathory's forbidden sexytimes (look he's molesting her ankles right now! O_O CAN'T YOU LEAVE HER ALONE FOR EVEN A MINUTE?!), or poison?
Oh yes, this certainly is an awesome baby forming environment...
Taking stock: Poison, poison, Ball of Stink™, tasty meat Bathory..!
I think Bathory's already seriously losing her shit... She stood there almost completely still for a full minute with that facial expression on, spraying the plant with her hate with life-saving bug spray.
I say again, Baby? Or POISON??! She's certainly put on a fair amount of weight... Stupid junk food. She's been practically starving to death, being worked into the ground and enjoying being a member of Professor Bulimia's Vomitarium and yet she puts weight on from eating a few slices of pizza?
Me: MAXIS! >_> >_>;;
Until next time, fair readers: You stay classy, Bathory!
---
PS: The AWESOME name for the legacy, "Cullen, The Herd"? ITS NOT MINE! It's baykinz xD Used with permission. I cannot take credits for her awesome, since she is in fact, AWESOME. xD