Cullen The Herd 1.2
CAUTION: The usual 60 jpg images for a 3mb dialup concious reading experience. Sims passing bodily fluids and other nefarious stuff, sexytimes, nudity, neglect, AWESOME PIZZA DELIVERY, and of course the most adorable founder you've ever seen in triplicate quadrupulet dodecalet a whole bunch of times ^_^
See I told you there'd be mundane and yet perplexin' stuff straight up! We rejoin the ever-classy Bathory Cullen (katu_sims) as she puts some rubbish in her newly aquired rubbish bin. AND LO! Tis already filled, even though this is the first thing she has EVER put n there!
Two things:
A) She has a closed garbage back in her hand, so why is everything inside the bin loose?
B) She's only ever eaten delivered pizza and chinese. So what the hell is the rest of this stuffin here!? Have guests been coming over, eating in front of her and then dumping their half-eaten refuse in the bin just to rub it in?!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: MAXIS >_> >_>;;
In case you forgot, Bathory is still in FINE form as a card carrying VIP member of Dr Bulimia's Vomitoriam. Also, her breasts appear to DEFY GRAVITY and sag diagonally when she bends over to puke in her bathroom fixture co-ordinated work uniform.
Told you she was staying classy :D
ZOMG CHANCE CARD! If I was playing for points I might get killxored at this point. LUCKILY I AM NOT! But I'm still playing by all the other rules, and thusly chance card still fills me with dreading... WHAT IF SHE GETS PROMOTED!?
Oh wait, it just means more trees on my lot. LOL! [GRILLED CHEESE FOREVER!]
Oh. Crap. This makes me a sad panda >_<;;; She.. Um.. Only had $187.. ^_^;;;;
YAY!! Bathory's first ever complete crop! Not very tasty but still, ripe tomatoes. And JUST in time to sell to buy some foods since she's sitting on ZERO Simoleons.
Timely tomato crop is timely. ^_^;;
About now I figured, okay its time for a trip down to one of the two poverty challenge 'approved' community lots. So off to the Barbeque Grill! And... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?! O_O;;; This is the room in the top floor. A bath in the middle, with two VOYEUR COUCHES EACH SIDE!? NO, REALLY?!?! O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;;
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, MISTER SO CALLED "ED" OF THE APPARENTLY INFAMOUS BBQ SHELTER SHACK FAME?!
Reason tells me that this is here so that sims who can't yet afford couches etc on their own lots can have a nap. But who needs reason when there's CLEARLY SHENANIGANS GOING ON HERE!? I ask you!
Anyway! xD Where were we? Oh yes! Going to a community lot :D Bathory wanted to go out on a date really badly and since Bilbo Dork's (katu_sims - his relationship with her was the highest) answering machine kept rejecting her, Dale Forest (simsforaranya) was up next! And he was ALL over that and couldn't wait to get cozy in the back seat of a taxivan with our intrepid pauper du jour.
Pretty taxivan driver is pretty :D Pity that, even though they have names unlike the repo man or the tour guides, you can't interact with them or get them into your families ;_;
THIS IS CONVENIENT! HAY YOU GUYS! LEGACY FOUNDER, DOING WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT BEIN' PROVOKED! I'm not sure I got the same toodles as everyone else O_O;;;;
And not only is Bathory lovin' herself some fart hearting good times over Dale, Dale's feeling that special happy feeling you feel when you finally meet the one. You know, in his pants. ^_^
Awwww! GNOMES APPROVE OF THIS! REMEMBER, THEY ARE WATCHING! I mean they would probably approve more if Dale was named Noddy and Bathory was a boy, but if they did not approve then they would come to life and hunt both Bathory and Dale down slowly, unrelentingly... Like Jason. But with tricycles.
Bathory and Dale did not die at the hands of tiny, flare-clad leprechauns with a penchant for sleeping in beds with little bell-wearing children who have no business holding a driver's liscence ergo: APPROVAL! :D
Bathory's Tip for a Healthy, Strong Relationship #224.3
Eye bugging means your love is REAL.
WELL HELLO! I believe this can BE ARRANGED!! *wiggle*
Anyone else think she channeling a Swan and not a Cullen? Just look at all those wants. She wants to have sex with Dale, she's gonna do everything she can to tent his pantsin order to impressively raise his bar, she wants Dale to pop her Cherry and keep it on his mantle and be quick (but not too quick) about it. Oh and heaven forbid he's not in the mood, she'll JUST DIE.
WOO! All this and she wasn't even sure she was in love with him yet. I guess someone's been reading too much P&P and identifying with Charlotte Lucas a little too hard. I want to argue against that whole 'securing his affections before you're even sure of your own' speech, but this IS a legacy, and its one with a zillion caveats and rules on it so Bathory?
GO YOUR HARDEST.
WOO! Her hardest entails going somewhere a little more private with one thing on everyone's minds.... Though wtf bodylanguage:
Bathory: *strides with decidedly purposeful purpose*
Dale: *bes a little afraid, shuffling his feet, wondering about whether or not he actually LIKES tongue and...* OoOoOh! Is that a rare subtribe of Shibataeinae? Or perhaps its Fargesia dracocephala, that's onf of only twenty five species of Bamboo that Giant Pandas eat? AND OMG! Did you know that Giant Panda's are completely bobbins and are still classified as carnivores even though they pretty much just eat bamboo which they can't even digest properly and so have to constantly eat all of the time?!
Me: Dale? As interesting as this all is... (WTF PANDAS?!!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Anyone would think you WANT to be on the Endangered Species List) Smoking hot girl, wants to have sex with you. STOP DAWDLING. HAVE AT IT!
Their first time ever, deflowering each other in a photobooth. FEEL THE CLASSY! LOVESON the seductive face Bathory, Dale's not completely wtfuckering right now or anything at all. Although, as instructed he's so totally ready to board the mothership.
Dale: WHAT THE HECK I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS CHICK?! Are you sure about this?!
YUPS! I'm sure! Not only that but: PREGNANCY JINGLE FIRST TIME YOU GUYS!
Woo! Can we have some celebratory flashing of the produce to the produce?
WHY YES, YES WE CAN!
Tomatoes: *get a real good perv*
Yes, Bathory, this time you actually ARE. Who knows what the heck was going on last time you thought this. But I hope you know more about the Simian reproduction system now, since, you know, you actually engaged in the act and emerged triumphant.
*sigh* No that's not your water breaking. You're watering a tomato plant -- and your foot -- with a watering can...
I can't remember if I mentioned it last poverty challenge update, but if you're going to do one: MAKE SURE YOU DOWNLOAD AT LEAST TWO IF NOT THREE OF THE POVERTY APPROVED LOTS! Specically the no CC ones. Had I realised what was there I wouldn't have wasted all that money buying stuff for Bathory until she actually had cash to be able to afford to get it. Toilets, showers, couches for napping on, barbeques, THIS BATH?! SO HANDY!!
Although, less lolarious. It has to be noted. xD Which is perhaps why I still didn't really use them to their maximum capacity...
Anyway the poor baby was DYING for comfort and I couldn't give it to her on her crappy couch at home and so I RELENTED..! Voyeur bath here she came... Luckily there was no pervs on hand to stand/sit about and watch her in her bubbly reverie. OR WAS THERE?! *searches around for security cams*
_>;;" width="520" height="350" border="0" />
Hey Mister So Called "Ed" wtf URINAL in the dining area? CLAAASSSY >_>;;
WOO!! All that puking paid off! Large quantities of swimming about in the sea = TERRIFYINGLY OUT OF PROPORTION BODY! Getting/staying fit is supposed to be good for you while you're pregnant and I figured Bathory needs ALL the help she can get. xD Luckily this settled down into a much more amenable and less freakish lollypop bobble head seconds later... ^_^;;
And then Bilbo dropped round... O_O;;
Um.. Okay.
That was kind of unexpected. So maybe where Bathory's from, grabbing a person by surpries and grinding your pelvis into theirs whilst squeezing them into an open mouth nom-action kiss means "GOOD MORROW STRICTLY PLATONIC, LARGELY PHONE-ORIENTED FRIEND/PSEUDO COUSIN!" ??
Whilst Bilbo gets down to the important stuff: attempting to mop water from the lawn (wth why?!), Bathory discovers her amazingly yooneek and innovative water feature doubles as an excellent foot massager.
THIS WILL COME IN HANDY IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER, Y/Y?! :D
OH THANK HEAVENS! Pregnant while simultaneously stricken with debilitating food poisoning? DID NOT WANT!
THE SAGA OF EPIC PIZZA DELIVERY HAIRSTYLES CONTINUES! Does Belldandy only work the night shift?
*judges whether or not this Goddess is surly enough looking to be called Urd..*
Bathory: OH MY GOD! WE'RE SO HUNGRY!! I'M EATING FOR TWO NOW YOU KNOW! YOU HAVE TO FEED ME OR I'LL DIE! I'll SIMPLY DIE!
Me: Uh. So how about that Pizza you just put on the ground to inform me you were hungry then!? *headdesk*
Me: *hears the sounds of 9304820943 people using their special bingo stamp pens on their legacy bingo sheets*
LOL! I love those silly textas. xD
Bathory: Sup wolfie? Whatchoo doing sticking your nose in ma urinals while I attempt to unclog its face?
Wolf-Which-Just-Happened-By™: I'm investigating. You know, investigating this, investigating that... General investigation =DDDDDDDDDDDDD
Bathory: How's those bacteria working out for ya?
WWJHB™: Pretty good, though its a bit short on. This office desk I sniffed last week had about four hundred times more bacteria swimming about on it.
Me: THIS IS TRUFAX! ANYONE ELSE DISTURBED?! DDDDDDDDDDDD=
WOOT WOOT!! Pop action! We have second trimester people!
Oh hai Geralt of Rivia... You know that's loo water... Right? I mean I know kicking arse and taking names in morally ambiguous fantasy worlds can take its toll, but surely everybody's got standards?
No? Well... I guess talking your apparently silver-tongued political opponents into the ground and humiliating them publicly with a mouth quenched with toilet water DOES have a certain poetical ring about it.
WOOOOOO!! Bathory's saved enough to get herself a kitchen! And by kitchen I mean a super grubby old fridge she probably yanked up from hard rubbish, and a counter to cut stuff up on. BUT STILL! FOOD THAT IS NOT ORDERED PIZZA! REJOICE!
Oh Bathory, poor poor dear... Sleeping under the stars, communing with nature. Things that are normally done within the comfort of a tent... If ONLY you had one of those..!
>_>
WOOOOOOT!! DOUBLEPOPACTIONWITHDUST!
OH LOOK! Its snowing! Heavily pregnant woman in a WINTER WONDERLAND!! OooOoh this is what Judy Garland filled dreams are made of ne? I'll meet YOU in Saint Louis, Bathory! You'll love it! You'll go ice skating with your true love and wear outlandishly excessive cashmere suits with a big mantle and a giant fluffy white muff to go with your earmuffs and sup on hot chocolate till you and the baby bust and...
HANG ON WAIT! Poverty challenge, you can't even GO to a place with a skating rink, YOUR LACK-OF-MONEY IS NO GOOD THERE.
So. Heavily pregnant woman in a snow drift?
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?!
And at this point felt way more sorry for the plants than for Bathory. The poor delicate things, how are they even still alive!? Aren't their delicate leaves burned from the icy chill? *pouts for them* SAVE UP FOR A GREENHOUSE ALREADY, BATHORY!
People in the lighthouse supping on hot chocolate: *Pity the fool*
Pooping in a snow drift; every girl's dream.
Bathory Cullen: Fertility Goddess.
Soon to be a frozen statue of a fertility goddess if she keeps this kind of thing up. Revered throughout the ages, villagers shall place sacks of rice and grains at her feet, girls shall put wreaths of flowers on her head in hopes for long and fruitful marriages -- lol fruitful. And then her family will be all OUTBIRK and resurrect her in like 100 years and she'll auto pop out her babies and have STARVING ALIEN CHILDS which she'll clearly have to go on a lesbian killing rampage in an all-girls school to acquire enough sustenence for both her and the childrens.
WAIT WAIT WAIT! That's not potentially going to happen for at least two generations... *whistles about not spoiling anything at ALL as I haven't even played that far ahead.*
Nope, never, not ever...
ARMAGADS BABIES POPPING OUT ONTO THE COLD SNOWS! O_O;;; Wont the placenta juices freeze? O_O;;;
World?! Meet Lugosi Cullen! A BOY! LOL! Silly boy, we have no use for you.
Uh, you're cute though? :D Also, lol at the pink outfit Bathory clearly bought second hand because she thought she'd be having girls. Quite the dapper gentlemen in pink there, Lugosi. Contrasts nicely with your complexion.
UGH! I hate the way that word is spelled, it always reminds me of the word "connexion" instead of connection and then it ENRAGES ME! RAAAAAAAGE!!! That spelling makes me want to hulk smash through the time space continuum and take out whoever thought of spelling it that way in the first place. AAAUUUUGH!!!!! *gets medieval on their arses*
Bathory: THE BABY IS OUT! WHY DO I STILL NEED TO PEE!?
*nearly drops Lugosi whilst being confused about simple bodily functions*
Get used to the icy, frozen earth, kid. Bathory's got better things to do than to cater to such whims as COMFORT. You're lucky there's even a fridge to get your expressed milk from. Although, I guess it IS snowing so why you'd need a fridge to keep things cool is kind of beyond me. Maybe its keeping things not frozen? Anti-fridge?
Maybe Bathory should keep Lugosi in there while she saves for a crib? It'd be warmer than outside :D :D
And then Bathory changed a particularly interesting shade of blue, theoretically to match her son and make it appear more realistic that he was hers. Or something. IDEK. But about here I realised if we didn't get some heating and a crib, we were boned.
And thusly: I GIVE YOU A COMPLETELY 100% SAFE, OCCUPATIONAL HEALTH AND SAFETY APPROVED FIREPLACE, and a snowfilled crib.
Yeah, A 44 Gallon Drum cum pot belly stove right behind the refridgerator coils. That's not gonna cause any problems at all.
Darlings its the very ESSENCE of shabby chic! All the ritzy homes will be having them this year. It epitomises the Derelique pathos of recyclables and saving the world.
Warm that booty, baby! :D And yeah, I'd be kind of worried about the health level of leaving your son in two inch thick snow inside of a fabric lined crib as well... ^_^;;
*vaguely wonders if the frozen temperature of an infant summons the social worker*
Oh lords girl... I know you've wanted this for ages but priorities? ^_^;;
YAY I LOVE THE I'M SO COLD, GIVE ME HOT CHOCOLATE EMOTE! It doesn't really make that much sense cause it could also be 'ARMAGADS I NEED MY EIGTH COFFEE FIX OF THE DAY OR I'LL GET THE SHAKES! THE BENDS EVEN!!' Or 'GOOD GOLLY GOSH, TIME FOR A SPOT OF TEA, WHAT? I'LL BE MUM SHALL I? ONE LUMP OR TWO, CHAPS?' etc.
Well, apart from the fact that the Sim in question is a colour she just SHOULD NOT BE, and seems to be shivering. But that could still be caffiene withdrawal and a fluroescant tan... Or something. YOU DON'T KNOW!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU, THE ULTIMATE TRIFECTA IN BABYCARE!
Ball of Stink's children, 2cm of snow and FLIES. You've reached the pinnacle of poverty success here, Lugosi. Life just can't get any better than this.
So I figured that the crib outside was probably going to end in DISASTER, so I sold off Bathory's tent because it wasn't doing ANYTHING to keep her warm anyway (wtf does no one have arctic proof sleeping bags anymore?!) and left her with her little couch to sleep on and therefore had enough cash to build a little tiny 2x2 'Save Lugosi' shack. Complete with all the mod cons. And by mod cons, I mean a door, and a roof.
AMAZING! CLEARLY A FEAT OF TECHNICAL GENIUS! What will they think of next?!
Why she couldn't snuggle Lugosi INSIDE the tent thusly keeping them both warm, or most of them warmish I have no idea.
And... Making a snow angel. This will clearly warm you up... Although, CUTE!
Uh. Oh shit. Turtleneck, sensible tweed skirt. Name tag. HALP?!
Bathory: Oh hello nice lady, would you like a cup of tomato-leaf tea? *beams cluelessly*
Social Worker: BITCH I'M HERE TO TAKE YOUR ALIEN BB!
Flowers Tears for Algernon Bathory. ;_;
*is heartbroken at the sight of Bathory's downtrodden face*
Aww, its okay Bathory. He's a boy, we don't care about him anyway ^_^
Bathory: *stands in stunned silence*
Wall: *bes conspicuously not brick*
Social Worker: *is the smuggest smugbeetle in the history of smugutania*
Lugosi: *bes abducted stolen removed theived ... Uh.. Confiscated?*
SO HEARTLESS, SOCIAL WORKER! SHE GAVE UP HER TENT FOR THIS CHILD!!
Let us not say goodbye, but as the french have it: au revoir! Foreverrrrrrr, Lugosi!
/Mr Wickham
You know, if Mr Wickham was a creepy child of the corn. ^_^;;
Lugosi out of the picture, we sold the crib and with the excess money bought a bed to facilitate further sexy times. The tent wasn't doing anything for her comfort level -- well hardly anything -- and didn't keep Bathory warm in the slightest. So, CHEAP BED FTW!
So Bathory's second ever sexytime can be as nature intended: in a bed. ^_~
OKAY!! HELLLOOOOO THARRR SEXY IMPREGNATOR! Bilbo who cares not that Dale already uber tapped his faux-cousin, shows up with perfectly adorably chaste things on his mind. Luckily for us these were not the same things as Bathory had in mind, and Bilbo is always open to new experiences.
Bilbo: Its a little... Cold out here for the MasterChief. I fear his ... Headwear might not be the colour you'd expect it to be. Also... There's some things a man just can't do under certain circumstances...
Bathory: My last boyfriend was some kind of semi-fish man. I expect the Master Chief's millinery choices will look kind of similar...
And then they done sex.
And apparently Bilbo did alright! :D
Aww is that a little wibble I detect?! Its official, Bathory scares men in bed, or into bed.. I'm not sure if there's a distinction since they go through with it anyway... You gotta wonder if they perhaps thnk she's going to bite of their heads like the Praying Mantis... Or bit off their other heads... Bilbo? Is there actually anything left any of the MasterChief?
*surveys*
A sample sizing of one right now might seem a tad small a screening size without any kind of semblance of a control... BUT!! We could surely get a hold of OH-Look-A-Panda-Dale Forest and bug him for war stories. :D
YOU TWO ARE LIARS, ESPECIALLY YOU, BATHORY!!! *eyenarrow* Just because your firstborn was taken away before we even got to see his toddleriness DOES NOT MEAN YOU GOT REHYMENATED!
OH! And speaking of going through - like I was like a zillion paragraphs ago, SHHHHH!!!: GUESS WHO HEARD THE NURSERY JINGLE AGAIN!?
Yes ya'll! THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! Second sexy times, second bun in the oven. RESULT!!! Lets just hope this second bun can stay a little warmer...
---