The Kohler-Wielle Legacy 2.5: Toddler Mania 1.0
CAUTION: Babies... BABIES..! FOUR HUNDRED BABIES! 61 images mean around a three meg download. ^_^;;
Need to catch up? Kohler-Wielle Archive
WELCOME BACK to the Kohler-Wielle family of fun, frivolity and UBER FERTILITY!
This update might be.... Three weeks late. Sorry. But. Um, MY EXCUSE IS I WAS REALLY REALLY REALLY SICK AND THEN I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE PROCURED MYSELF A NEW BOYFRIEND OF AWESOME. And awesome stole my words and my brain.
UNFORTUNATELY for all of you he deigned to give my brain back, on loan, and then decide I needed real sleep so left me alone for five seconds. But then he came back and I hadn't done anything yet and so simsforaranya demanded I drug him so that I could get an update done. Which I didn't do. Or DID I?!?! *shifty eyes*
At any rate he's asleep now... WHICH MEANS YOU ARE NOW BEING SUBJECTED TO THIS SHIT! MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!
So yes, as you may or may not recall, I decided to HATE MYSELF and go for a challenge few attempt in their short, every second moment is precious so you make each one count lives. Apparently for me this equates to torturing myself and my precious legacy heir & her husband, Senator Cube, Crown Prince of Awesomesacia, 18th Earl of Sexcasualand* to SEVEN HUNDRED BABIES! Well okay, seven, but seriously in the sims? ITS THE SAME!
Ah Valencia, your family sim genes make you delighted to squeal over Cinnabar's adorableness when removing him from his crib so that he may begin to train towards his bid of world domination. She attends to his needs, 'til his play for attention is over and then it's nice and quiet. But soon again...
STARTS ANOTHER BIG RIOT...! O_O;;; CAN YOU SAY TRAFFIC JAM?! Hey everyone, this is Syrah's room! What on earth Cinnabar was doing sleeping in her bed I have no idea, leave Mummy alone before she burns out on the first day!
Oh. Wait. Family sim, she's not going to burn out, she's going to THRIVE HER FACE OFF WITH THIS KIND OF CLAMOURING FOR HER LOVE. My theory? Family sims are closet popularity sims who have decided going out and meeting people is for chumps when you can just make your own friends at home.
Ten. Babies. V? There is NO WAY I am fulfilling that. Okay? JUST FYI! O_O;;; Because Seven, yeah that's not nearly enough, I mean all of those kids could die in not-so-freak coal mining accidents where they contract the black lung. Or get trapped in chimneys while they sweep them for nine cents a year or maybe even become trapped under a cotton spinning machine. Hell, they could all get drafted into the army, be forced to wear REALLY BRIGHT red coats that completely camouflage them with their environments so they wont suffer from heinous stabnation at ALL. Then where would she be?.... >_>;;
Oh wait, THIS ISN'T VICTORIAN TIMES..! NO MOAR BABIES.
First hour into the challenge and she's tired already?! Or perhaps my scintilating diatribe on Procreation and You just bored her to tears. YOU'RE LUCKY I LOVE YOU, V!
The kids just woke up on day one of the challenge and Carrots has ALREADY massacred a mouse in protest? Seriously dude, I know seven wailing children is daunting, but its not so bad you need a catnip fix until the mouse dies from it... ^_^;; And now look what you've done, you've upset Ginger! SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE LEARNING SUCH HARD LESSONS AS THE FINITE QUALITY OF LIFE!
Everyone raising their hands and saying "But, but all gen two kids lost their MOTHERS at this age or younger..!" can pipe the heck down. This is me learning a lesson. Or something. I DON'T EVEN KNOW..! ^_^;;
POPPY!!! YOU AWESOME ZEN PILOT! <333333 Little joker mouth, glazed expression of single-purposed delight, NOSE OF HUAG AWESOME! And then she can navigate around the house in a bright orange helicopter of win without once attacking the furniture nor slicing off anybody's heads.
Could you get any cooler?!
GINGERRRRR!! My second favourite, your smile lights up my day! <3 I don't know why, but I kind of view Ginger and Poppy as twins even though they're all an entire multiple birth O_O;;; They're not even really identical... IDK what thats about. Just me and my obvious prejudice going on?!
RIDE'EM KERMES!!!!! Training early for his future career as a bucking bronco rider, soon he'll be demanding his steaks rare: just knock its horns off, wipe its nasty ass, and chunk it right here on this plate. Cause thats the cowboy way, and even cowboys have a code.
Valencia: THIS CHILDRENS BOOK IS NOT RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS!
Kermes: Holy crap, my lifeline goes down into my sleeve! WILL I NEVER DIE!?
Me: *strokes imaginary beard* THIS CAN BE ARRANGED..!
Poppy: *surveilles*
Helicoptor Rotor: *mysteriously does not eat everything at waist height*
I was TERRIFIED that Modena had bugged out and gotten stuck like this. She sat all upset in this position for the LONGEST TIME I was freaking out that it had all gone horribly horribly wrong.... And then..! She started playing with Carrots and all was well. xD
Poor little princess, she has STRONG commitment to her emotions!
POTTY TRAINING FACE! I LOVE YOU! Black pit enayla eye problem, I love you less.... BUT STILL! :D <3333333333333333
Okay children, THE POOL IS CLOSED! Mummy needs a five minute vertical power nap.
And then suddenly the pool is VERY open again... NO GETTING PREGNANT YOU TWO! Seven kids is so my absolute limit! LUCKY SEVEN! NEUTRAL PH! Its like gods freaken number and shit. Mary had seven virginal joys (O RLY?), egyptian cats had seven lives not nine and I like cats! There's seven colours in a rainbow! And this is a rainbow legacy! Cept there's like ten generations...! IDK!
THE UNRELENTING MARCH OF THE CHILLUNS!! They have a single purpose. They are solid and resolute in attaining their target... Their goal?
Seeking attention from Cube. Because that's the WORLD'S reason for living and breathing. You all think I'm still kidding about this. OBSERVE:
Valencia wistfully stares at her husband composing yet another magna opera consumed with thoughts of her love for him. Unusual? Unexpected? No! But notice the double thought bubbles?!
POPPY ALSO OBSESSED WITH HER FATHER!? ARE ALL OF THOSE HEARTS COMING OUT OF VALENCIA'S BRAIN?! NO THEY ARE NOT THEY ARE ALSO IN POPPY'S!!!! O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Cinnabar, he stops whatever it was he was doing so that he may turn and bask in the glow of his father's genius! If a knighthood, an OBE AND an Order of the Garter show up in the mail tomorrow I will not be dying of NOT surprise.
PS: OMG STUPID OMSPs!!!!!! I did work out what was going wrong though, I have two lots of omsps for table, and one works and the other doesn't. So I have to just remember to use the OTHER one at all times. BAH! But I worked it out like WHOA after these screenies had been taken so I've got wooden blocks all through the house this and a few subsequent updates xD
Just look at it as an symbol of Cube's lumberjackian virility. ^_^
Okay so.. Spooky genius children are spooky geniuses... I should NOT be surprised since they are the spawn of Cube and V, but how is it that all of these kids can crawl around asking for attention, asking to be changed or asking to sleep and be completely understood when NO ONE HAS ACTUALLY TAUGHT THEM THE POWER OF SPEECH?!!?!
This isn't like Stewie can recite entire monologues or perform spoken word homages to under-rated songs by Elton John featuring lonely astronauts and everyone thinks he's saying goo-goo gaa-gaa... Mostly. No I haven't sped ahead and not shown you photos of Valencia patiently teaching Syrah how to talk. I NEVER EVEN ATTEMPTED IT BECAUSE THERE JUST WASN'T TIME!. SHE'S DOING THIS SHIT ON HER OWN. SELF-TAUGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?
V is the most sympathetic mother this side of Sympathy, Alaska. Which isn't actually a town in Alaska (or possibly North Dakota...), but IT SHOULD BE, DAMMIT!
bondchick_nett: Surely Alaska, I'm not convinced by North Dakota...
moonlapse: It doesn't really sound cold to me though. Sympathy sounds like something some sentimental bloke would name a town cause they were "Sorry for giving you smallpox."
Anyway where was I again? OH YEAH! Kermes on the floor waking up from shocked exhaustion because Ball of Stink™ is indulging in bad touch is the FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD TO VALENCIA. See, I told you all, learning about horrid death at age three is NOT a good thing!
Oh, and Just so we're clear here, Cube isn't being a ratshit bastard who's slacking off on his responsibilities. The rules clearly state that only ONE parent can be the care provider. So whenever he was home I made sure his hands were never idle enough to autonomously care for any of the kids (and trust me he wanted to ALL. THE. TIME) by preoccupying them with tinkling the not-ivories, building sandcastles of dreams, and/or Valencia.
TIme to face up to the COLD HARD TRUTH, GINGER: Ceramic tiles do not retain heat - which is why they plaster that shit all over space shuttles - and therefore make poor sleeping surfaces.
Ten bucks she maxes out Bathroom Sleeping skill and rolls pleasure sim.
OH SHIT ON A BRICK! O_O;;; THE AEROPLANE ARMS. PORTENT OF VERY. BAD. THINGS. *flails*
Okay I caved, I wanted V alive and so thusly it was TIME TO CALL IN BACKUP! ie: A THOUSAND PERCENT COMPLETELY USELESS NANNY! Dammit, minus two points.
There are two VERY bad things featured in this screenshot. Can you spot them?
Yes yes, the sentry bot is FUCKED and therefore the world is gonna get tased... So sure, that's bad. Or potentially full of lols. You know, either.
BUT! If you in fact took "Potentially dangerous things on Valencia's mind for a thousand" I'd so send you STRAIGHT to Mayfair, hand you that deed and erect five hotels in your honour for free. And then I'd let you off Miss Scarlet in the Billiards room with a lead pipe (or like, do other things with that choice selection if you're into that kind of thing) and TOTALLY blame it on Colonel Mustard and make that shit stick like cling wrap TO ITSELF.
No one blames you, V, for wanting to spend all of your time in bed with your husband. I mean WE'RE ALL THERE WITH YOU. But I KNOW you're the kind to poke a hole in that diaphram with a cricket stump, say oops and then use it cause its 'still good' >_>;;
Oh hai CleanBot who had an awesome orange name that I now forget. Please to be not vacuuming up the babies?
Who's this ringing the doorbell? Why its Nanny Ver 1.0 Apparently in this hood ALL elderly people have discovered that they can in fact dye their hair and do not have to wander around sporting the greys. Or people like Peggy just can't bin. But that's okay, cause I'm still down with the hair dyeing schema.
OI SYRAH! That's Carrotseseses... esesss... O_O;;; Also, your unabashed brand of delight when playing with those rather oversized kitten biscuits scares me. A lot.
OH HAI CUBE'S DELECTABLE BUTT!
Oh um... Wait there's other stuff in this screenshot...
PROOF THAT NANNIES CAN ACTUALLY BE USEFUL!! If She wasn't around to feed the toddlers then I'm telling you they'd NEVER get fed. Sure she overfeeds them and tries to give each toddler three bottles a piece, but thats FIIIIIINE since the other ones can therefore drink the excess milks at their leisure. Or at least that's the theory:
Ginger: *suckles delicious expressed milks*
Sangiovese: NUUUU WOMAN I'M HUNGRY TOOO GIVE IT HERE!!!
EAxis: Look see? Toddler interaction. We totally didn't over look it until the LAST expansions at all!
Excessively plush tigerskin rug: *bes excessively plush*
Holy crap Sangiovese, those are the cold dead eyes of a killer O_O
Sangiovese: MAAATT DAAAAAMOOOOON....!
THAT'S RIGHT GINGER! PUT YOUR TEETH INTO IT!!! ITS YOURS FAIR AND SQUARE AND THERE'S ABOUT FORTY OTHER BOTTLES ON THE CARPET TO CHOOSE FROM. A veritable buffet, a banquet of Valencia juice if you will.
Valencia's Nipulars: *REALLY glad she expresses*
Valencia spots the sentry bot in her bedroom and thinks this is UPROARIOUSLY funny. Honey? No, this is the INCORRECT RESPONSE. You see a flying, electrocutionary tasing device hovering about in your own room, staring at you and beeping insistently with an insistence normally reserved only for cats who want your attention when you are OTHERWISE ENGAGED? YOU RUN.
I TOLD YOU!! Don't say I didn't warn you, lady!
I can't help it. I know, she's seriously useful when it comes to keeping the kids hydrated/nourished and I'd be heirless if it weren't for her... But.. COME ON:
DIE NANNY, DIE!!! Muahahhahahahhaaaaaa!!! You KNOW you're all there with me.
C'MON C'MOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
*chokes on popcorn from not paying attention to eating and just avidly watching for Nanny death* IT'D BE A GOOD WAY TO GO, SURELY YOU AGREE!?
And no this isn't me just screenshotting the exact same attack from a frame up from a different angle. The Sentrybot, as if it FEELS my glee for Nanny death, kept attacking her repeatedly in a deliciously unrelenting fashion.
That is until Valencia turned off the infernal contraption...
D'awwwww! Rug pass out even while the little CleanBot with No Name buzzes around doing his noisy but much needed job of nappy and bottle removal. I'm not exactly sure these boys ever really DID see the inside of their cribs more than... Twice their entire toddlerhood. Totally builds character, that does. 'Sides, as if crazily plush rug on top of really plush carpet isn't a comfy bed. THIS IS STILL HALF DECENT PARENTING OKAY!?
Its not like they've been kept in a drawer and shut in when company comes to visit...
SENTRY BOTS REVENGE!!! YOU TURN ME OFF BITCH, I TURN YOU OFF!! AAAUUUGH!! Stupid SentryBot. Okay I support revengence on most levels but did you HAVE to do that in front of the baby?! I'm trying to mentally scar them as LITTLE as possible here.
OH LAWDS....! Honey? I know you're upset and you hurt and your body burns with flames of a thousand occupational health and safety approved campfires ironically lit on a fire ban day by educated scouts who sewed their own pyromaniac badges on their outfts and everything but LOOK BEHIND YOU... AND THEN RUN!
Wow, and the winner of Miss Run-On Sentence 2008 goes to..!
MASH THAT OFF KEY FOR ALL ITS WORTH, MY LOVE! And if that doesn't work, just bash that thing to death with the remote, k?
We interrupt this carnival of electrical hell to bring you a heart melting moment of the forbidden love between toddler and giraffe. Awwwwwww.
And now here's a tale of who's favourite is who's. Modena, CLEARLY daddy's little girl. Asleep on the hard wood floors on his side of the bed, warmed and comforted by thoughts of her awesomesauce father while Ball of Stink™ keeps watch over her prone form.
(its not just me, but that pair of handcuffs have a really ridiculously large and triangular shaped shadow, right? You think their TARDIS cuffs?)
And now here's Mummy's little girl. Breathing in deliciously cleansed air by her mother's fern and in close proximity to as many pairs of platform corks as she can possibly get her hands on.
Speaking of shadows, whereas the cuffs had WAY too much, are we thinking all those shoes have NONE at all? WHAT CASTS NO SHADOW?!?! IS THERE AN UNLIKELY TIME SHARE ARRANGEMENT GOING ON HERE THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?!
Pewping. Serious business.
Ooooh Cube! You're such a good father I WISH I could let you help your kids! *hughug* His daughter is passed out and filthy on the floor by his aftershave which causes him the world of adorable worry. Well okay adorable for US, not so much for him..
Oh god, VALENCIA ITS AT IT AGAIN! O_O;; The damn thing just turns itself back on. TERRIFYINGLY! I bet it flies around with the calming voice of Pierce Brosnan and announces that this wont hurt a BIT in the most charming of wasy just before it tases your arse to kingdom come...
Or maybe it just senses that V is calling a Repairman to come curtail his rampaging ways and WILL NOT STAND... Uh... HOVER FOR IT!
JEEEEESUS CHRIIIIIIST...! SUUUUUPERSTAAARRRRR...! DO YOOOU THINK YOOOOOU'RE WHAT THEY SAAAY YOU AAAAARE..?!?!
Me: *goes to hell*
Art Noveau Screen Chick: *thinks Cube is dishy*
SENTRYBOT MADE CUBE CRY!! O_o;;; THAT SHIT IS NOT ON OMG! HEADS WILL ROLL!!!! SOMEONE TURN THAT THING OFF ALREADY!?
WHERE IS THAT REPAIRMAN?!?!?!
Whoa, old repairlady is old.... I don't even know what to call those things she call's cheeks. BUT NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON!
Oh HAI Red Headed Nanny Ver 2.0. She failed, HARDER than the other Nanny (who's still alive just by the way), because she turned up, got out of the Nanny van and then stood behind Craven & Lyna's mailbox for half of her shift.
THAT'S the kind of Nanny smarts we've come to know and love loathe forever.
OH THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY! Even those damn socks I finally managed to get Greg to evict. Or I think he evicted them. I mean they did have NO heel so you would think they'd've gone in the bin when I bought him new ones... O_O;;;
Yeah I know, I'm a sock buyer already. Are we scared? I know I am.
HAI NANNY! Decided that getting paid for examining peeling paint on the letterbox across the street was finally a waste of time? Although Modena REALLY isn't down with being touched by those liver-warty hands of discoloured doom. Also, as much as I WANT TO BELIEVE, I really don't think you can actually do this job with your eyes closed, Lady.
Modena: Hey Poppy? Guess what?! Mum SUCKS!!
Me: Are you trying to take yourself OUT of the heir running, Modena?
Poppy: Hey Modena? See these delicious feet I'm slobbering over? Yeah this is a voodoo doll. OF YOU. Diss MY mum why don't you!?!? OM NOM NOM!!
Modena: *pouts over her saliva-ed feets in their now uber squishy socks*
Aww yay!! Kermes, actually getting potty trained!! Whether he actually completes his padawan poopy training or not remains to be seen but I've managed to get V enough 'free time' to actually get one of her ankle biters onto a potty, this is PROGRESS!!
Awww his little face of uber relief at not having to soil his padded jockey shorts is palpable. ILU LITTLE ONE! <333
*may or may not be pretty much failing this challenge pretty hard*
Look Lady, you're not here for bear talking. You're here to feed the kids, clean them up and make sure they sleep in their beds. Which you're pretty much failing on all but one account. STEP AWAY FROM THE BEAR! I DON'T CARE HOW DELICIOUSLY VELOUR HE FEELS, THIS IS NOT IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION!
Carrots is UNAMUSED by Syrah's delight in nomming on his ears. Dead tiger rug, on the other hand, thinks its freaken HILARIOUS! Just cause you managed to make it through your entire life with your ears in tact doesn't really give you the right to be all high and mighty about this one, DeadTigerRug. You are in fact DEAD... >_>;;
YES THIS IS PROOF THAT MORE POTTY TRAINING IS GOING ON! Delicious, delightful, de-lovely proof! Oh Valencia, I love you and your lack of nice points that never really show themselves so much. *snuggles*
Kids in a box, just add water...! And you'd get a CLEAN kid in a soggy box! WOO!
Ball of Stink™: YOU THINK YOU CAN EVICT ME?!?!
Me: No but none of these kids are over the age of consent...
Ball of Stink™: DDDDDDDDDDDD:
Is riding a trike on carpet such a shit hot idea? I mean I guess the helicopter never actually sliced through any of the furniture so the odds of the wheels on this thing making a lasting dent are slim to none but still...
You know, I think Cinnabar might actually just be sitting on this thing and making it move around with THE POWER OF HIS MIND!!! O_O Told you these kids were frakking geniuses... O_o;;; Can talk on their own without being taught, fly helicoptors safely inside homes and now... TELEKINESIS!
Clearly Cube's babyshake has more fu than ANY other. *hears all the girls go wild*
OH MY GOD! I FINISHED AN UPDATE! ONLY TOOK ME THREE WEEKS! THATS LIKE ONE WEEK FOR TWENTY SHOTS! TWO AND A BIT CAPTIONS PER DAY IF YOU WILL. Oh yeah, I'm efficient. Don't you dare say I'm not! ;) xD
So I'm going to leave you with this delectable image of my Poppy (oh god I just said _MY_ Poppy... Extreme favouritism is extreme ^_^;;) tormenting Carrots as is right and good and say the NEXT one will be up sooner because next week I'm going to be going to my parents for a few weeks for Christmas and will have 100% less boyfriends to distract me from Sims. xD
LOVE YOU ALL! *signs off and passes out*
----
* So like I was all "18th Earl of Sexcasualex or Sexcasuallor?" and Greg looked at me oddly and gave me a few other suggestions which were made redundant because I'd already used -ia on Awesomesaucia. And then he said "Sexcasuallor sounds like Skeletors brother..." Which to ME sounds way more exciting and he so should've made a thousand cameos in Masters of The Universe. I mean COME ON, how much more fun would HE be at parties?!