Part 10: Brianna (revised) Okay, a few more tweaks.

[filaree]

Eventually Brianna became aware that she was still in the woods. She sat up gingerly. Her body ached from the sobs that had wracked it. Still shaking, she marshaled her strength to stand.

Maybe not yet.

Brianna lowered her throbbing head into her hands. Directed thought was still too painful.

She heard the birds calling to each other. The trees

Comments

Suggestion Part II

[brother_order]

I am uncertain that meeting herself is the best idea here. You shifted the aim a bit, but the reality is that she has still by reacting to who she didn't want to be, become what Lord Vrikt Wanted. By fighting everything she hated she has become everything she hated

Re: Suggestion Part II

[filaree]

I agree.
That last post didn't set right with me either. I was happy to have it done and posted it without really reviewing it. (I had to hurry off to karate class.) But last night, when I thought about it, it seemed too pat, too easy and not very clear.

I like your suggestions. I will work them into the rewrite.

I liked both revisions...

[brother_order]

...However I do have an issue with the very last paragraph of the last revision. I understand where the perspective comes from, but Brianna never gave away any parts of herself. She never considered what she wanted or who she wanted to be. All she thought about was what she didn't want to be. She has never explored or even consider that she had options. To use the proper metaphor for her entire life whenever she has stood at a crossroads she has seen a relative already walking down one path and so instinctively chosen the other as if it weren't a crossroads at all.

Now she stands at a crossroads where no one else is there to make the decision for her. I grant you that one of these paths would be more Vrikt like than the other, but no sibling has walked that path before, so automatic avoidance of that path is not required.

S-