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I'm debating about writing this big long story of everything we did in Boston the past two days, but i think i'll wait till chalk on the walk is over to really give the low down on all the weekends occurences. A few entries back told about that feeling of crashing after a long, long day. I'm getting that feeling now. The lethargy is unbearable and yet perfectly enjoyable.
Its been one of the roughest weekends. I've been keeping my game face on most of the time im with others. Ive crashed a few times but ive been able to hide it and regain the controls b4 i spiral and say things ill regret. I dont know what to say man...im trying to get it all out here...but im whoa to do it...i feel bad almost but shouldnt i use this one outlet?
I dunno...im in so much pain so much of the time. There are times when i sort of forget, and im just with my friend, and im happy. Or times where we are laffing and i feel as close to her as i ever have. but as we're laffing, i'll smile and shake my head, and almost say "i love you..." but then i remember im not allowed to. And it hurts alittle. Or we're there having a blast and shell get a txt message from gilbert. I used to be like "w/e ^.^ *happily goes about business*" but now it serves as a reminder that shes flirting with and looking to others for love. All i can think of when i hear wonderwall is her slow dancing with gilbert during the last song of junior prom. looking into his eyes or holding her head against his shouder. Of a future where she is going to him (or sum1 else) when shes crying. Using sum1 else to entertain herself on the phone during long, lonely nights. Laughing and loving sum1 else. Holding his hand as they walk through boston. Hugging him for 10 seconds when one of them is feeling bad, and finding comfort and consolation in those arms.
It's hard to come to grips with, it really is. I miss all those little things about love. The longer and longer shes gone, the more and more i realize what it is that i truly loved about her. Seeing her from this new angle this new view...its unbelievable. I miss her on so many levels. Initially it was the end of the world, but then i realized life goes on. But i still have feelings for her. I still a-light when she enters the room. I still care about her and want to her protect her. shes still more special than anyone else. Maybe some time alone is good for both me and her. Maybe it will teach me something i really needed to learn. Learn that even best friends need time apart. Learn that just living for her happiness isnt everyhting, and that spending some time on myself is good for not only me but the relationship. Learn that wanting to spend every second with her isnt a good hting. But then again i had started to adapt to that and started to just be like "rock on, i'll see you tommorow." ive learned lessons form this love b4 and im learning even more now.
Why i keep saying it, i dont know, but there it is: I love her, and I wish I had one more chance.
"What is it you're worried about..."
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