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This is page twenty-nine of God knows what. Mostly complaining I guess. It's bad though. I don't feel like who I used to be, and I know people change, but when they don't like the way they end up, the idea is to fix it. I've said the same thing. So am I all talk? Even the underrated geek can't live up to his own standards. I admit I put her on a pedestal, but in my defense it's not the same pedestal other people have put her on. You love your best friend. It's the person you tell your secrets to and the person who keeps them, the person who plays with you in the mud when you're little knowing you'll get in trouble, the person who asks you to stay because it makes a difference that you're here instead of...not. I hate how I can't do anything. I can't change anything. The people I care about the most, bad things are going to happen to them.
They say knowing is half the battle but in this case I think it's just a cheap shot at victory that's always going to be out of my reach.
So I'm supposed to go back to Odessa. I'm supposed to just be the way I was. But that's it. I don't remember how I was before Claire.
People can tell me to move on, but how do you move on from the first real memory you have?
Not even that guy could take that away. And I've made up for what he did take.
Or I thought I did.
This is stupid, writing all of this down.
Stupid.
It's not her fault she changes. Lots of things have already happened to her. Other people would have turned out a lot worse than she has. I still think she's beautiful, that she's better than she'll ever really believe she is. I'd wonder who I could blame for that but I don't think it's a matter of blame in the end...any more than fairness.
I still [ muddles off into scribbled lines here ]
She's always saying she's not good for me, or that she'll hurt me, that she's going to leave. I know the last part. And the other parts.
But I'm wondering if she ever realizes maybe I'm the one that's not good for her.
It was different in Odessa. I had both feet on the ground and I could be who I wanted to be give her something. Here I have nothing to offer, or it's outweighed by what ends up getting taken. It's not our fault usually---curses and stuff but...I don't know.
I used to know.
Apartment Story || The National
I'm getting tired lazier I guess, just a song again...but while I'm at it, what are some of your favorites? I don't know if I've asked before, but, consider this checking to see if your taste has changed if I did.
[ooc: re: private, sad puppy is sad, has been out and about a lot so maybe you've seen him in passing, on his bike or just wandering 8( ahaha pathetic, he knows...anyway yeah...ALSO, ultimate placeholder, /posts from work..../slides back to...well, work...will pick up tags later...sob.]