Berlin, Without Return (and still there was you, the center of me)
[ Video turns on, and it's Zach...obviously. He shifts around a little as if he's trying to set the camera down, and when it veers up for a moment you can tell he's outside because the sky is all you can see, for a second. Then he sets it down, presumably on a ledge before settling down in front of it, peering as if she's there in front of him.]
So, first I wanted to thank you, because if I hadn't had a warning or something I wouldn't have been able to try to plan for it. It's...sort of weird. I...
[ he pauses and looks down ]
...I don't know if I'm upset about that or something else. About leaving...or not.
Don't tell Claire, please. Don't tell anyone.
[ he sighs ]
Anyway, you've been....well I don't know we're friends right?
[ he laughs a little, but it's forced and he shrugs, as if he's trying to keep from some other more telling reaction to his own confusion, a shiver or worse, having to hide tears like he's five years old or something else stupid...no, it's easy now, or as easy as it's going to be, to pretend he might be fine, and he believes it, from one second to the next ]
Just thanks I guess. And I'm sorry.
I know...everyone here has a hard time. In a way, I've got it easy. I know that.
But I do know what it's like to be left behind so...
[ he peers back up at the camera lens ]
...so I'm sorry...again.
If I could, I'd bring them all back for you, even though it'd be selfish of me and you, but we're selfish. I think we both know that.
I mean everyone is, in a way.
[ he looks down again ]
When you get this, you can tell already probably. I'm gone, I mean unless I send it by accident, and then...then I'm just an idiot.
[ slight laugh again, like he thinks he is anyway ]
Bye Eden.
[ a glance, gaze sharp and apologetic and grateful all at once ]
I'm glad I got to meet you.
[ and he reaches out, presumably to the side of the camera before it shuts off...
...end message.]
____________________
[ What you see and hear first is just the sound and look of the shore, waves brushing out across the distance and toward the horizon like ripples of light threading at ground level...and then you hear That Voice...yep, well, okay so let's face it, it's not very distinct at all, but he knows Caspian will know who it is. ]
So I don't know if Eden told you, but it looks like I'm leaving soon.
[ a pause, a very long pause ]
I've thought about what I would say, but not a lot because, like, you know, I don't know how much time I have. I mean, that sounds like I'm going to die or something.
[ he laughs at himself but it's not funny and that's very clear ]
I wanted to say goodbye though. It would've been nice to see you again.
Um, if I just saw you or something, pretend I didn't say that.
Yeah.
[ camera shakes and goes sideways and it's the sound of someone standing up and the image cuts out but the audio remains ]
There's a lot of things I could say. But most of it's stuff I know I shouldn't, and it's not because of---of....well, it's...
[ not because He's here, is what he would say but, he can't, because it's different, considering who he's talking to ]
...I can't anyway. And there's other stuff.
[ silence other than waves, it's clear he's stopped walking ]
One of the things [ his voice is just this side of cracking, but holding on rather admirably] is that for a long time it was like you were my only friend.
[ he won't say it was like being in grade school with just books as playmates, you know, before video games were household, but still, the point stands...he remembered Caspian when he met him, and meeting him has changed everything and nothing about the stories of childhood ]
So thanks.
[ he says it and the way his tone drops says YES I KNOW THAT'S LAME TO SAY ]
I'm thinking I don't need to ask you to watch Claire, to...be there for her. You'll probably be better at it...
[ than I ended up being ]
...in general.
And, uh....
[ walking again, faster maybe to half distract himself, footsteps soon through the forest, which is an interesting place to have most of this conversation for a number of reasons ]
...this is going to sound weird, maybe.
[ long silence, well, except for footsteps ]
I think you're a good king, not because you were born a prince or whatever...but because you're a good person. I think that any world would be lucky to have someone like you leading people. And I think you need to know that. You're a little weird. And you don't let a lot of people get close, but you're still genuinely nice. That means a lot anywhere.
Or it should.
[ he's stopped again ]
It would've been....
I said that already.
Um.
...
I guess...well that's not all but you'll be here all day if I keep going so.
I wanted to thank you...not just for being my friend but uh...this is going to sound so cheesy, god.
[ laughing at himself ]
But for being...who you ended up being.
[ you're better than the stories after all ]
I'm glad we got to meet each other.
[ this way ]
Take care.
[ half a click as if it was about to turn off and then... ]
I won't forget you.
[ ...end message.]
____________________
Dear---
Clai---
So----
I get that we won't see each other. I just want you to know that wherever you're going, I'm going to be thinking about you, and hoping you're okay. I'll do anything to keep my memories this time. My parents will probably think I'm crazy until the paranoia goes away but that's okay. Parents are supposed to think their kids are out of line or something right? I've never done anything exciting. I might as well be crazy. Right?
I don't want you to feel guilty.
I think we're both going to anyway but I thought I'd say that just because.
We're both selfish and we're weird, kind of stubborn in different ways. I don't know if that's the problem. I still don't know what our problem is...or was. It's not about your ability though. That's never been 'the' problem. It's an obstacle maybe, but yeah. I don't know.
You're really hard on yourself. Everyone is. You're all trying to save the world.
But who's going to save you?
I know. You 'don't get hurt' etc.
You do. I've seen it and it's been the one thing I've wanted to change about myself.
I never had those daydreams you know, like, the ones as a kid when the boy wants to be the prince, or the hero, to save the princess.
Then again you're no princess but I think you'd be offended if I called you that so I think I'll just...not.
But what I mean is, I didn't want that until you shared your secret with me---again, right? I'm still sorry I don't remember when you went through it the first time. If I could take that back, I would, maybe. But at least this proves we're friends right? I sort of hope you forget me because I know you'll feel bad about stuff, but I sort of hope you never forget me because I'm never going to forget you. See? Selfish.
What do people tell you anyway? I always meant to ask that. When they compliment you or...anything?
I wonder if they see what I see.
You know, when you weren't talking to me, in Odessa, I was fine because I convinced myself I was fine---really effective lying, life skill I hear. But I don't think it was good. I lost time. Maybe if I'd come up to you myself before that...well I guess we can't know for sure, but my point is, you know---should've would've could've blah blah blah. That whole don't do tomorrow what you could do today thing. It's so cheesy. It's on the walls in the guidance offices. I know. But maybe they're on posters for a reason, right?
I know you don't believe in yourself very much. Or I get the feeling you don't. Or maybe you do. I keep thinking I know you but if I'm wrong just...ignore this.
I don't know Claire.
I'm going to miss you.
I miss you already.
This letter is getting really sappy and my handwriting sucks. Too much computer time for me, as per usual.
Guess I'll wrap it up with a reminder.
You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a lot more than you give yourself credit for.
You can be a bitch but that's the same thing as saying you're human.
Being physically invulnerable doesn't change that, is what I MEANT to say earlier, I think. You're still you. You're still Claire.
You're still my best friend.
And I know I already said I know we're not going to meet again but....if that ever looks like it could change, that's the one thing I'd ask from you.
Just for the record. Just so you know.
From---
And---
I won't---
Love,
Zach
PS. Embrace your inner freak.
____________________
He wakes up to go for a walk, and it's a day like any other day, a grand blue stretch above him like the daylight will go on forever. The day itself is much more charming than the boy walking into it, who finds his way to Xanadu on a whim because summer will end soon and despite areas that are always green, there is something more easily appreciated in its prime of gold and green and clear skies.
Precisely when he notices he's trapped, so to speak, he couldn't say. The hours are wasted, and for that he finds himself angrier than he's been in his entire life, because contrary to words that couch themselves in half-truths but are still lies, he isn't ready. He is never ready though---not then and not now or the moments leading up to the end of this chapter, both unimpressive and easily overlooked. He doesn't mind being ordinary though so much as he minds that ordinary is often, for whatever reason, in keeping with being unable to stir change.
There isn't much and yet there is so much that he would, if he could.
At some point though, like most trigger emotions, the anger dissipates into something else, something that shivers like it's the middle of winter instead of the side frame of summer.
Fear. Preemptive loneliness. Something he can't name.
How long the day takes to pass is the regulation set of what remains of twenty-four hours, but it feels like weeks because he can't bring himself to call to anyone, and wandering alone--even for someone familiar with it--asks more of a person. How many paths he turns down, well, he knows that as well as he knows where the maze began, which is not at all, but the moment before he goes... that's one he knows like the beat of his heart, one he knows like the smile of the girl he loves when he probably shouldn't.
The sky that opens up now is not dark and starlit but that blue that seems to scorch through a person's eyesight, like it's the only way it can be sure you're going to remember it apart from the others. He can smell the difference in the air and he can feel the pretense of simplicity in a world he's sure isn't simple at all. Not after what he's seen and not after he's met who he's had the privilege of meeting, however briefly. Things aren't what they seem.
But that's not so surprising in the end.
Because, the way some things aren't what they seem, others? Are.
Glancing down at the invisible line between here and there, he presses send three times before setting the device down. He had planned, or thought he would break it, do something more volatile, but that's just not Zach. It never has been...never will be.
What he will be, even he doesn't know, but he gives himself a few years before he starts looking...because he knows he will.
He can't help it.
And for once, he's not sorry.
[ooc; 1. messages delivered at the end of the day, just wanted to get this up. letter left somewhere he guesses claire might look in his room when he's gone, or he hopes so anyway....yeahhhh. annnd last bit is just drabble-ish of exit because that's what happens when you're attached to a character right? XD;;
2.thank you again for playing with him XD;;; it was fun...thank you especially, well, you know who you are.]