T:SCC ; Riley Dawson ; A Tattoo On Her Wrist - a Fanmix
[Her first memory is of light and fire and heat. The sky fills with yellow. It dazzles her, and floaters fill her eyes. She doesn't remember anything being that bright. She doesn't remember anything being that hot. She never finds her parents, and she never finds her house. She calls for them, wailing, tears streaking through her dirty face. In time, it all seems normal. In time, the world before never existed.
Eventually she finds kids like her, and eventually she learns to fight like adults. She learns where to find shelter, where to find clothes, and most importantly, where to find food. She's always hungry, she's always filthy.
The moon peaks out from behind the smog one day and she stares at it in wonder.]
The war machine springs to life,
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky,
Ninety-nine red balloons go by
99 Red Balloons - Nena
['Pretty girl. What's your name?'
Her voice sounds strange. She's not from around here. Not like the machines, but elsewhere.
Jesse tells her of life Before. She knew that grass wasn't brown, but green. She knew that water could be drunk without being boiled beforehand. She knew what the moon looked like, what it was like to have the sun warm skin and hair and clothes. She knew how to swim.
She told of Perth, of Hay Street and Murray Street, of Scarborough and Cottesloe, of family picnics on Australia Day at King's Park. She told her of black swans and an island named after rodent-like creatures. She had a cat and a bird, and a mother and father. She lived mostly on a submarine now, with a machine driving it.
Riley listens to it all. She follows her around, fisting her jacket sleeves and curling up against her as she sleeps, hugging empty cans of baked beans and dreaming of rows of flowers at Araluen Park.]
Poor thing, poor thing
Do you have a sister?
Would your lay your body
Down on the tracks for her?
Stand on one tiptoe
In hell for her?
Don't you have someone you'd die for?
Someone To Die For - Tanya Donelly
[The world is so bright. It's so clean, it smells so fresh, the sun shines. It takes her hours to be what Jesse calls 'clean', it takes her longer to feel it. She eats, wolfing down the meals Jesse orders. They taste so good, she helps herself to seconds, thirds, and Jesse laughs, dry, wry. She samples everything. She falls in love with pasta, delights herself with tomatoes that squirt juice everywhere, nearly cries as she tastes clean water, and nearly melts when she tastes chocolate.
She cries when she sleeps. She dreams it's all going to go away, that she'll wake up with rats sniffing her, dirty underneath her fingernails, bombs going off overhead.
Jesse's not there when morning comes, and Riley presses her face to the pillow and wishes that she never has to go back, that she can stay in this time forever, with four walls and the sun and the sound of birds.]
Instrumental
Ce Matin-La - Air
[Jesse enrolls her into school. She's never been to school before.
Jesse tells her that all kids her age go to school, and so does John Connor. Riley listens intently, learns about him like she would math or science. John Connor 101.
When he changes schools, so does she. The time's now, Jesse says. She needs to speak to him now, when the machine is out of the picture. So she does, relishing life and sun and moon and flowers and hot dogs.]
Better days and get aways
'Cause every day is a holiday with you
Everyday is a Holiday - Esthero
[At times, when she's alone and in foster care and sitting on her bed as the kids run about downstairs, she wonders if it's all worth it. She knows Judgment Day will come. She's not here to stop it. That's someone else's job, and that someone is not her. She's not here to be the hero. She's here to stop the machine from getting close to John.
So she does her job, and Jesse only asks how it's going. When she can, she still sleeps in the warm hotel bed, with the fresh linen and the lamps that fascinate her and the pool that she swims in, sitting on the bottom like Jesse with her knees to her chest.
She watches the bubbles rise to the surface, popping, tiny winks of existence that disappear before they achieve anything more than being brief moments of light and beauty.]
So I went to a protest
just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming
but I also felt like crying
And it doesn't seem so worth it right now
Summer in the City - Regina Spektor
[John says, 'I swear I'll explain everything when I get there.'
He doesn't. Riley waits, but he doesn't. She wonders if she's meant to take it as a sign of distrust, or if she's meant to explain to him, or if it means nothing more than he doesn't want to let her know about the future.
He doesn't know, though. He only knows that it's coming. He doesn't know what it's like to be there, to live there, to fight every moment of every day just for a chance to do it all over again.
She digs her nails into palms and shivers when night comes. She looks at the stars, at the moon, at the street lamp. She memorizes the lights in the sky, terrified that by morning it will be all gone and the sky will be filled with black and she'll be back there, no longer here, in the present, Before.]
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
Secret - The Pierces
[The bruise lasts five days. Jesse never directly apologises, but Riley knows she is. She knows it. Riley didn't mean to hurt her foster mother, either. It was a momentary burst of anger. Besides, she was able to stay with her for an hour after she hurt herself, and Jesse even drives her back to the hospital. She kisses her temple before she gets out of the car, right where the bruise had been.
John asks. She knew he would, but she doesn't say anything. She isn't meant to, so she doesn't.
It still haunts her, though. The hospital is filled with the sick and dying, the dead. She'll be one of them eventually. Everyone will be. She sees children in various states of illness, the elderly.
She clutches the sheets, smells the antiseptic, tastes food that sends her straight back to After, of clutching stale bread and rat packs to her chest, the feeling of being in heaven when she had one of them all to herself. She misses pasta and tomatoes and fresh water and chocolate. She misses Jesse and John.]
You got me pushing imaginary buttons
Step away from me lover, away from me lover
You got me counting imaginary school children
Get away from me lover, away from me lover
Yes I can see that my carpet is animated
Walk away from me lover, away from me lover
Yes I see you open wounds in everyone I've dated
Away from me lover, get away from me lover
I am no good for you
I'm seeing ghosts in everything I do
Buttons - Sia
[By luck, she manages to meet Jesse for lunch. They sit opposite each other in a cafe, towards the back of the building. Riley slurps her soup and Jesse looks at her over the rim of her coffee mug filled with hot tea. Apologising, Riley dabs her lips with the napkin like Jesse taught her and sets it next to her bandaged wrist.
Jesse inquires about John and Riley hums a response.
'Are you any closer?'
'I guess.'
'You guess?'
Riley's silent, then, 'what happens when I'm done?'
'What do you mean?'
'Like...' Riley clears her throat and looks up at Jesse. 'When I'm done. When she's gone. What then?'
Jesse is silent as she snaps her tea cake into a small bit and dips it into her tea. 'I guess you'll know.'
'Can I stay with you?'
Jesse raises a brow.
'I could go to a community college. Remember when I asked if we could get an apartment together? I could do that. They've got heaps here. I could do make-up design.'
Jesse continues to stare silently.
'Or... or first aid or something useful like that.'
A pause.
'It was just a suggestion.']
I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working
I remember it well
There was wet in your hair
I was stood in the stairs
And time stopped moving
I Remember - Damien Rice
[John holds her hand as they walk down the street for the first time on a Sunday. They see a movie, and Riley eats popcorn and it gets stuck in her teeth. She takes it with them when the movie finishes and keeps walking as John lingers by a trash can, waiting for her to throw it in. They go and play a game that yells music at them and they have to match the corresponding steps on the keypad below them. Neither of them are very good, and Riley laughs, throwing popcorn in the air with enthusiasm.
John kisses her as they walk home, and she swoons, suddenly embarrassed. It's bright, and the sun is shining on them, unlike the car where it was only the street lamp that watched them. He kisses her again, and holds her hand and says she still tastes of popcorn and she picks at her teeth with her thumbnail.
As they continue walking, she finds she's holding her breath and her muscles are clenched all over and she oddly wonders why she's waiting for a smack.]
No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
Dancing - Elisa
[She figures it out.
There will be no then.
There will be no Cameron.
There will be no John, or then, or now, or Cameron or an apartment looking over the trees and the beach and the people and the street lamps and moon and stars and sun and people alive and full of life.
And Jesse.
And Jesse.
And Jesse.
And that's the worst pain of all.]
Still I waited for the day, when she'd say, 'I will always love you'
Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do
Like she loved me, when she loved me
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me
When She Loved Me - Sarah McLachlan
[The hallway is empty. She stands there, looking at the door, fisting the sleeves of her jacket and swallowing and swallowing and swallowing. She looks up at the light above her, at the one on the wall, at the light coming out from under the door at 14G. Her toes curl in her boots and she presses her thumb to the keycard clutched in her right fist. Her heart pounds and she feels dizzy, nauseous, eyes stinging and teeth clenching and tongue pressed to the right of her mouth. She sways, looks back at the light above her and down to the far end of the hall where the window is and the tree blocks the view of the sky.
She swipes the card.]
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
[And in the end it's just the moon.
And the lamp.
And the smell of fresh linen, and popcorn, and fresh water and pain and pain and the worst pain.
And Jesse.
And John.
And Riley.]
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreckers
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