(no subject)
I suck at life.
I've come to this conclusion a loooooong time ago, but I'm just re-iterating the fact once again.
But, the suckage shall stop here...
Because I'm updating!
Ok. Where the hell to begin...
Well, Jorge is back in the states.
[I can hear the gasps now...]
He is out of Iraq, and out of the marines, and out of my life.
Ok, everyone knows that me and jorge had issues. I tried talking to him, I swear I did, but there really was no point. He wanted me to come see him when he got home from Iraq, but I told him that I wasn't going to do that because there was no point in that. If I wanted to feel miserable and feel like crap, then sure, I would have gone to visit him; but since those emotions aren't to fun, I just decided to just cut that possibility right then and there.
There was no point. He didn't want to fix it, so why the hell should I go? So he can get his little 'fix' because he gets home from the war? Bite me. I have better respect for myself.
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldnt. I wont.
And here's the fun part:
I met a guy who has been nothing but supportive of me.
[But more about him a minute...]
Jorge called me at 12 something a while back, and I didn't know the number, so I picked up the phone to see who it was.
I thought you'd be sleeping.
What are you doing, Jorge?
Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm back in the states.
Congratulations. Look, I'm serious-I don't want you talking to me or trying to come see me, understand?
I thought you'd be a little bit different after all that we've been through.
Jorge-its because of what we've been through why I don't want to see you.
BECAUSE OF WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?!?
I have been the one stuck here dealing with the consequenses of your actions. I have been the way who took your crap day in and day out. I am the one who constantly bought your garbage. I am the one who has been beating myself up because I thought I did something wrong to you.
Screw that jazz.
I can't take it anymore. I don't want to see him. No way, no how. I loved him, but it got thrown in my face.
And I won't take that. I refuse.
I can't see him, because I will either have one of two extremes: I will either be really sad and break down, or I'll be really angry and punch him in the face.
I have his stuff (dogtags, pictures, movie stubs-anything that has some type of connection to him is in a shoe box, that I am giving to a friend, who is going to give it to him) away, and I feel so damn good about it.
That's it.
Ok, now about his guy:
Dustin. I've been talking on the phone with him since labor day weekend. He's one of the guys up in Goose Creek, South Carolina with my best friend, Trey. He's in the navy (a squid, yes I know), and I just started talking to him casually when I would be hanging out with Trey.
We texted each other a lot, then that turned into talking a lot.
At first, I felt it was kinda weird, but its nice to have a comforting voice on the other end of the phone.
Jorge called me once (dustin knew about the situation, and he encouraged me to not talk to him), I was on the house phone with Dustin, and Jorge called my phone. I picked it up, and Dustin was asking "Who is that?", because he could tell that something was wrong just by my voice.
When Dustin realized who it was, he started screaming.
"Hang up the phone! Don't listen to the bullshit! I'm going to kill that son of a bitch! Hang up the phone!"
I did. I didn't want to talk to Jorge, but Jorge already said exactly what he needed to say to get to me.
I'm crying, and Dustin in on the other end of the phone, being pissed as hell, but still comforting me.
"You don't need a deusche bag. And that's what he is. He makes you miserable, and you don't deserve that shit. You deserve someone who is going to never make you cry. Fights should be few and far between, and be about what movie you're going to see or where you're going to eat. You need someone who will tell you everyday that you are beautiful, and mean it. These guys...they're asshole, because they hurt you. And it pisses me off because I can't be there. I would give anything in the world to be there and to hug you and to tell that its going to be ok."
...Tell me that wouldn't make you smile...
This kid is...amazing. He's incredible. I talk to him for hours every single day. I've called him crying because of situations, and he comforts me, and he gets pissed; and when I ask him why, his response is always "because I can't be there right beside you holding you".
He understand my hurt, and he sees my imperfections, but he still accepts me for them.
I'm not in a relationship with him, because that wouldn't be best, but I like this kid so incredibly much.
He tells me that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me laugh. He will never, ever let me say "I'm sorry" [for anything], or "I hope I don't dissapoint you".
And people wonder why I have stars in my eyes.
I'm being careful, I swear I am-but I know that Trey (my best friend) wouldn't encourage me to talk to someone who would hurt me.
I trust Trey when he tells me that Dustin won't hurt me. And I trust Dustin when he tells me that he won't hurt me.
He doesn't make me cry. I do nothing but smile like an idiot when I think about him, or talk to him.
And he feels the same way.
He's the one who sent me the picture that I posted a while ago with the sunset that said "Wish you were here".
And I think I'm going to end this here. I know its long, and my predicition is that no one will really read it, but hey that's ok...
:)