So what's new?

Feb 04, 2008 10:14



I'm not sure how to start this entry without creating some sort of denominator, so I will do just that.

The majority of my day-to-day functioning is focused on college. That seems a strange reality for me, the guy that ended up brushing it aside, continually wanting to commit to it but never being able to, then pushing forward to not needing it, then accepting it as what I (presently) want and so that is what I'll do (and am doing).

It is a unique experience, thrusting myself into so many interesting ideas. That isn't necessarily my goal, but is a great side-effect. My goal has been and continues to be - as my subconcious mantra is "Keep yer eyes on the prize" - Finish a semester in good standing. So far, that is happening... and it feels very empowering. When I study for a test, I feel like I'm doing physical training for a boxing match - I seriously have an adrenaline rush. Then on the drive to school I'll blast Ted Nugent's "Stormtrooping" and drink coffee like a battle elixir.

And, somewhere between the front and back of my metaphorical mind, is the internal dialogue of what I'll do this next Autumn and beyond. I'm still committed to the semester of wilderness training in the Rockies (NOLS), although pulling together all of the prelimenary bureaucratic details isn't very in focus at the moment. (Example: scheduling/paying for a FULL medical check-up followed by some way to acquiesce medical insurance for the 3 months I'm in the program.) The semester is exciting all on its own, but considering the possibilities of what I'll be capable of after such World-class wilderness training is truly what drives me. That is my prize... the possibility to be able to lay down all ambition and melt into an existence of true freedom (at least, close to it). How did we ever lose it in the first place?

...

Two of my classes feel so engaging; Biology and Geography, both introductory courses. Before this semester I chose to be a biology major (ecology emphasis), but sorting out a clear reason "why" hasn't become apparent until recently: It is my modified appeal to finding truth. Kierkegaard said that truth is an objective uncertainty appropriated with inward passion. What a grand (albeit unintentional) way to describe the framework behind scientific progress!

What I'm finding is the zeal with which I approached matters of a perceived supernatural world is now transferring to an inquiry of what is called the natural world. Including my prior life/studies of religion, now adding bits of subatomic physics and chemistry used as foundations for biology and, of course, biology itself, along with concepts of geology to edify geography are all mixing together and converging into a clusterfuck of mindboggling. I honestly don't know what to make sense of it all yet, except to say that the world is beautiful and chaotic in more ways to me than I ever thought possible... and it is so exciting to believe it will only become more so as my efforts to understand the world around me grows.

Being able to walk outside (or not), and look at everything with a more intimate and detailed understanding of the crazy operations behind it all... then realizing how feeble my attempt at understanding it all is and forever will be... and trying to consider where I'm at in all of it.

And that might be the most implosive thing on the tip of my cerebral cortex: movement from a religion-based subjective and egocentric quest for truth to a more objectively uncertain line of questioning. What does the act of questioning my role in evolution mean for my role in evolution? There is no walkable trail for such thoughts. The ideas and questions spawned from a month of passive inquiry I've barely found a way to track. Even if there is a pot of gold, I cannot find the rainbow.

It feels like a blank puzzle. There are pieces that fit together quite well, but no picture is made. Understanding the world around me is one thing - applying appropriate meaning is quite another.

And, I'm not forcing it. I don't force anything, even consciousness... but, this is a separate matter I won't get into.

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