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Been throwing up again, straight bile. My throat just burns. I haven’t been able to keep down food for two fucking days. Vocal has not been helping. Cigarettes have been. Taking it out on that new cunt is helping to. Is that wrong? Taking your frustrations out on others? Isn’t that what I’m always getting on people’s cases about? Great, not only am I a fucking horrible person, I’m a hypocrite. Sasuke is right. Fuck me.
All I want to do is play, so that’s all I’ve been doing. I wonder if I can get Obito to teach me some slide guitar. I’ve been experimenting with it a bit but its not sounding right and I haven’t been able to figure out why. No talent? Maybe. I've been wrong about bigger things lately.
Fixed my headphones. Rewired the speakers in our dorm room. Got more. Surrounded in sound. Only not because I have the headphones plugged in. Hinata’s writing. I should be writing too, I've got the zine due in a few weeks. I just can't seem to string a few sentences together. Guess I'll go to Organized Noise tomorrow and check out the new releases. I should probably do a piece on the fund raiser too.
...Alright, I just need to get this shit off my chest.
I’m not angry about them insulting each other, that’s a form of endearment in my world. Kankurou throwing cheap jibes at Sasuke alongside everyone else is a good thing to me. But Sasuke saying that my brother should be beaten with a strap? Given electro shock therapy? Just because he’s treating him like a normal human being? What the fuck? But Sasuke doesn’t get that, he thinks it’s the most horrible thing on the planet. I don’t get it. He keeps saying he wants to be accepted and he wants to be acknowledged, and it happened, is happening. Being teased is registering on the radar enough to be present in people’s minds. It’s not even like it was malicious. Every single other person who read that and was mentionned in it completely brushed it off, like it was meant to be.
Why does everything have to turn into a fucking war with him? And then how do I always wind up being the bad guy? Even Anko seems to think so.
Sonovafuckingbitch. I hate feeling this unsure of myself. I can’t tell if I fucked up, or where, or what to fix or if I should even fucking fix anything. And I fucking hate feeling guilty for following my instincts in a situation.
I need a break from it. He’s making me feel like I’m abandoning him deaf, dumb and blind to a pack of wolves though. Fuck it. I'm twenty-fucking-two. I shouldn't have to deal with this backwards bullshit anymore. I wanted to help, yeah, but I wanted to help him feel confident and comfortable, not make him co-dependent on me.
Sometimes I wish I just didn’t fucking care about anything and never had.
I got a call back from this guy I met a few summers ago when I was taking some workshops at the Art Institute. He’s thrown this band together…I checked them out over the break, or I guess I should say ‘auditioned’. I just…I miss the band so much, and I miss rehearsing, and I miss gigs and I miss…I just really miss it. So he called, and they want me as a guitarist. Just a guitarist. It’s actually…exciting. It’ll be cool to not be the frontman, not be the leader and try to carry the band. I’ll just get to play. Bill, the guy, he’s a little pretentious. Wants to be Ian Curtis, its funny. But its better than nothing, so I said ok. Practice on Monday night.