So, Simon Cowell's American Idol finale happened.
So, Simon Cowell's American Idol finale happened.
Ryan was the best little trooper that ever did troop. Buddy gets emotional at times, as all good wear-their-heart-on-their-sleeves mamma's boys do, but he pulled through tonight marvelously.
Simon gets choked up talking and Ryan stands off to the side a bit all "I am so proud of you and your emotions" while totally holding it together himself and I watch from home all "Ryan, I am so proud of you right now."
What it comes down to is this: Ryan is a professional first and a human being second. And that is why I love him.
Ryan's awesomeness aside, that was a bit of a weird send off for Simon. Dane Cook and Ricky Gervais? Um, why? The premise of Dane Cook's song could have been funny, but he didn't make it work at all. And I'm not sure if Ricky Gervais has some kind of connection to or presence on any of Simon's UK shows, but I'm pretty sure he has all of nothing to do with AI. Given that Simon's only leaving American Idol and not retiring from media as a whole, what on earth did that have to do with anything? Regardless of any personal history between the two, Ricky's bit came across like a producer had said "find someone British and in LA and big enough here that Americans will have heard of him. Ricky Gervais? Well, he has nothing to do with Simon Cowell or American Idol, but he'll do."
Ok, so there was some half-assed roasting from random people, but how about the people that have actual relevance within the confines of the show?
Randy Jackson: what do you think is an appropriate acknowledgment for someone who has played a bigger role in making your name a household name than your own career did? I'll give you a hint: it neither starts with a 'b' nor rhymes with 'moo'.
You guys, it's not Randy's fault. He can be heard booing Simon on the very first episode with a studio audience. I'm not even remotely joking or exaggerating. He knows nothing else. I'm pretty sure it became a Pavlovian response long before Kelly won.
So Paula also happened. And happened for way too long. Tonight, I mean. I'm ok with her Idol run in general. I'm partly understanding of why she was let ramble to infinity and beyond because Kara and Ellen don't have the history that she does, and Randy just eloquently reminded us that his entire vocabulary consists of 'boo' and 'dawg'. Plus, if Idol has had a multiseasonal narrative arc, then, yes, Paula and Simon's hate->grudging tolerance->play hate progressive relationship made up a decent part of that. So I'm ok with her returning for the Simon Cowell (And Also Maybe There'll Be A Winner At Some Point Too) Finale. On the other hand, about half way though it felt like she'd overstayed her welcome and she was hoping that if she sat on Simon's lap long enough, it would be like the show was giving her a big sendoff too.
The Kiss happened. At least 80 times by my count. Well, at least twice.
We get it, show. Simon Cowell is the straightest straight who ever did straight and he fucks 50 babes before breakfast. We know.
Which brings us to Ryan.
This is going to be a bit of a stretch, so bear with me here. Let's all close our eyes and pretend that Ryan and/or Simon are completely 100% straight and that there has never been even the slightest hint of anything more than a platonic and professional relationship between the two.
No, no, don't back button just yet. Stay with me.
Even in this delusional world of denial and het goggles, the bit where Ryan and Simon had a multiseasonal narrative arc of their own is indisputable. In both time devoted to their story arc within the show and in outside media speculation, the "Simon and Ryan: What's That All About?" plotline trumped the "Simon or Paula: What's Going On There?" one fairly early on.
So it only makes sense that the person who's had so much on air interaction with Simon that nine seasons in, there are still articles being written on their friends-or-feuding status might have one or two memories to share, right?
Wrong! You forgot that we are still in the delusional world of denial and het goggles! Ryan and Simon hate each other, Ryan is so unprofessional that he can't bring himself to say nice things about Simon for a montage or even say mean things about Simon but in a 'pretending' voice. They hate each other that much, you guys. This is why they refuse to spend any time outside the show together and barely manage to acknowledge each other's existence (and wardrobe choices) on air. This is why Ryan had nothing to say. Because he has no thoughts on Simon, his contribution to the show, or his departure whatsoever.
Now let's leave denial land and say this: what the actual fuck was that?
There are ways of including Ryan and Simon interactions in a montage without it coming across overwhelmingly like a big gay orgy. Ryan can probably say one or two about Simon without Randy chaperoning him to make sure he doesn't queer out all over the place.
What I'm saying is this: even if you think they are both completely hetero dudes who don't really get along some of the time, they still had a relationship. There was still nine seasons of interaction. It's ok to acknowledge this and there are ways of acknowledging it and editing it so it plays exactly as straight and platonic as Simon and Randy's history. You don't have to set up all the prepackaged bits so that it looks like Ryan and Simon have been in the same room all of two times in the past 8 years.
Gah.
But then Simon got all choked up talking about it and Ryan was the best Ryan of all time and that is totally not what I expected to happen but exactly what was always going to happen because this is who they are. It'll happen the other way around when Ryan's not on the clock.
So that's the final page in the prologue of the story of Ryan and Simon. Let the rest of the story begin.
Ryan was the best little trooper that ever did troop. Buddy gets emotional at times, as all good wear-their-heart-on-their-sleeves mamma's boys do, but he pulled through tonight marvelously.
Simon gets choked up talking and Ryan stands off to the side a bit all "I am so proud of you and your emotions" while totally holding it together himself and I watch from home all "Ryan, I am so proud of you right now."
What it comes down to is this: Ryan is a professional first and a human being second. And that is why I love him.
Ryan's awesomeness aside, that was a bit of a weird send off for Simon. Dane Cook and Ricky Gervais? Um, why? The premise of Dane Cook's song could have been funny, but he didn't make it work at all. And I'm not sure if Ricky Gervais has some kind of connection to or presence on any of Simon's UK shows, but I'm pretty sure he has all of nothing to do with AI. Given that Simon's only leaving American Idol and not retiring from media as a whole, what on earth did that have to do with anything? Regardless of any personal history between the two, Ricky's bit came across like a producer had said "find someone British and in LA and big enough here that Americans will have heard of him. Ricky Gervais? Well, he has nothing to do with Simon Cowell or American Idol, but he'll do."
Ok, so there was some half-assed roasting from random people, but how about the people that have actual relevance within the confines of the show?
Randy Jackson: what do you think is an appropriate acknowledgment for someone who has played a bigger role in making your name a household name than your own career did? I'll give you a hint: it neither starts with a 'b' nor rhymes with 'moo'.
You guys, it's not Randy's fault. He can be heard booing Simon on the very first episode with a studio audience. I'm not even remotely joking or exaggerating. He knows nothing else. I'm pretty sure it became a Pavlovian response long before Kelly won.
So Paula also happened. And happened for way too long. Tonight, I mean. I'm ok with her Idol run in general. I'm partly understanding of why she was let ramble to infinity and beyond because Kara and Ellen don't have the history that she does, and Randy just eloquently reminded us that his entire vocabulary consists of 'boo' and 'dawg'. Plus, if Idol has had a multiseasonal narrative arc, then, yes, Paula and Simon's hate->grudging tolerance->play hate progressive relationship made up a decent part of that. So I'm ok with her returning for the Simon Cowell (And Also Maybe There'll Be A Winner At Some Point Too) Finale. On the other hand, about half way though it felt like she'd overstayed her welcome and she was hoping that if she sat on Simon's lap long enough, it would be like the show was giving her a big sendoff too.
The Kiss happened. At least 80 times by my count. Well, at least twice.
We get it, show. Simon Cowell is the straightest straight who ever did straight and he fucks 50 babes before breakfast. We know.
Which brings us to Ryan.
This is going to be a bit of a stretch, so bear with me here. Let's all close our eyes and pretend that Ryan and/or Simon are completely 100% straight and that there has never been even the slightest hint of anything more than a platonic and professional relationship between the two.
No, no, don't back button just yet. Stay with me.
Even in this delusional world of denial and het goggles, the bit where Ryan and Simon had a multiseasonal narrative arc of their own is indisputable. In both time devoted to their story arc within the show and in outside media speculation, the "Simon and Ryan: What's That All About?" plotline trumped the "Simon or Paula: What's Going On There?" one fairly early on.
So it only makes sense that the person who's had so much on air interaction with Simon that nine seasons in, there are still articles being written on their friends-or-feuding status might have one or two memories to share, right?
Wrong! You forgot that we are still in the delusional world of denial and het goggles! Ryan and Simon hate each other, Ryan is so unprofessional that he can't bring himself to say nice things about Simon for a montage or even say mean things about Simon but in a 'pretending' voice. They hate each other that much, you guys. This is why they refuse to spend any time outside the show together and barely manage to acknowledge each other's existence (and wardrobe choices) on air. This is why Ryan had nothing to say. Because he has no thoughts on Simon, his contribution to the show, or his departure whatsoever.
Now let's leave denial land and say this: what the actual fuck was that?
There are ways of including Ryan and Simon interactions in a montage without it coming across overwhelmingly like a big gay orgy. Ryan can probably say one or two about Simon without Randy chaperoning him to make sure he doesn't queer out all over the place.
What I'm saying is this: even if you think they are both completely hetero dudes who don't really get along some of the time, they still had a relationship. There was still nine seasons of interaction. It's ok to acknowledge this and there are ways of acknowledging it and editing it so it plays exactly as straight and platonic as Simon and Randy's history. You don't have to set up all the prepackaged bits so that it looks like Ryan and Simon have been in the same room all of two times in the past 8 years.
Gah.
But then Simon got all choked up talking about it and Ryan was the best Ryan of all time and that is totally not what I expected to happen but exactly what was always going to happen because this is who they are. It'll happen the other way around when Ryan's not on the clock.
So that's the final page in the prologue of the story of Ryan and Simon. Let the rest of the story begin.