Those poor kittens..
You've probably noticed by now, that the updates for this have pretty well died off, in a relative sense. I suppose the length of them could be considered to make up for them, but maybe not. Where I'm going with this, is, I'm pretty well getting the feeling that this is the place where boredom goes to die. Not to make you happy and giddy, but to bring you to an even less entertained state, and as a rather 'nothing better to do,' sort of thing. It sort of makes me want to say 'Fuck you.' but we've avoided that so far. Let's not start now. Let's just keep hinting at it and glaring angrily.
Which brings up a point. I mentioned emotionally masturbating each other. I still stand by that. But, what that brings me to, is nobody emotionally masturbates me. It would be unfair to say that that's because nobody tries. However, hardly anyone does try to do so. Which I sort of like, because I don't generally put up with it. I'm more likely to call someone on it and have them tell me the harsh truth or just say nothing than let them stroke my ego. So, that's what this journal is. I've had to take to emotionally masturbating myself, as I won't let anyone else do it. So now I'm stroking my ego, and.. ah.. other parts to myself, on my own. Not that I'm complaining.. I don't think I'd let anyone else do it for me, regardless if anyone actually would.
So, that aside, part of what took so long to write this, is I wanted something to complain about, and go in depth to, with my unique mix of insight, biting cynicism and wit, wisom, a jaded world view, and spirituality. No, really. I was trying to find something that caught a unique spark, and brought some depth to a write-up here, that would actually amount to something more than 'I went to the store today. I bought gum. I'm chewing it now, and it's late. I need to go to bed.' Not that there isn't.. well, no, I kinda have something against that. It seems like the sort of thing that you shouldn't advertise, and should rather be brought up if asked, not forced on anyone. My two cents on that, which nobody asked for, either.
After not finding anything in my own life, I decided to go into the AOL chats. Yeah, I mentioned religion in my previous post.. but, there wasn't anything there to inspire me. I figured, I might find something talking to someone in a chat.
..And, that didn't work. That pretty well flopped over and just stared at me with it's saggy, limp eyes. I'd figured, even if I couldn't find anyone in any of the more interesting chats, I could just hit up 'Christain Chat' or whatever it is that they call it, and bam, I'd be good with people to spur me off. I didn't find anyone. I didn't really find anyone that advocated Christianity remotely effectively. Basically, it amounted to one guy yelling and screaming at people about how they were all wrong, plus someone else who came in later, but his stance was more against evolution exclusively. After a little bit in the way of facts and proof that they demanded, and them pretty well ignoring it, I kinda tuned them out. Then I got in a debate over spirituality with.. three? people, and got singled out. That was fun. We were pretty much on the same page, and my point was just somewhere getting lost in the grapevine.
Anyway, earlier.. oh. Yesterday, I ran up and found something with a few quotes in it. I wrote them all down, and decided that I'd take one and do a write-up on it. Maybe do a tick-off with the others, if I run out of ideas, too. Here's what's been picked today:
..::shuffle:: ..::shuffle shuffle:: ....::shuffle shuffle... shuffle::
'The best way to escape from your problems, is to solve them.'
I think that's a good place to start. And when I was in the shower, I thought out everything I could say. It was really, really beautifully put. It's sad, though. I have these amazing thoughts in the shower, but they come short when I try to remember them later. Sometimes it's other places than the shower where I have them, but it's never when I'm near something to write it down. So all the best stuff I ever think or say, I'm about the only one that knows it. It's kinda neat, in that, I have all this stuff inside me. Sucks that I can't share it as eloquently, though.
Everyone generally tries to escape from their problems. We all have our own ways. I'd touch on addictions as a reason why, but Justin has done so well himself. All I'd add, addictions help us escape from whatever we're getting away from. And, it's about that.. we all have our own way to escape, whatever it may be.. sometimes it becomes an addiction, sometimes it's just a tool to keep from dealing with what is so painful.
Perhaps it's we're afraid, of what confrontation might mean, of what the change could bring, that it flat-out may just not work. Staying status-quo is easier, or at least, it requires less immediate effort, and so many people are reluctant and hesitant to confront what really matters. Note that I said 'what really matters.' I originally had it as 'what bothers them.' but people are oftentimes hesitant to actually admit being bothered or upset at things in their life, hence, that.
Now, I don't mean by what matters.. what most people say matters. That's bullshit. The whole, 'go to college, get a good education for a good job, make a lot of money and settle down with a family' bit is complete bullshit. That's someone telling you what they think you ought to do, and how you ought to live your life. Yes, it works for some people. By works, I mean, that's what they'd be most comfortable and happy doing, not who does it and says they're ok with it. I really believe that a lot of the people that follow that originally had other plans before someone else told them to grow up, or be more realistic, get their head out of the clouds, or something to that effect. Why do you think there are so many mid-life crises around? Or, why are the even around in the first place? Someone starts to get ansty that they're getting old, and their life hasn't gone where they intended. Reliving the youth bit, and all. If people were actually content to have lived that life, and they'd come to that decision as the best for them, fully on the own, there wouldn't be that nearly at the same rates that there are now. If there was some that they wanted to live out, a bit more adventurous side to the traditional steady lifepath, well, if they were doing their own thing the whole time, it wouldn't be much for them to keep up another part to their life to keep it more exciting throughout, instead of crunching it all in as they hit that point.
The second verse is for continuity and accuracy in the source. I don't want it to be a part of the message, in that it could give someone the exact opposite impression I'm trying to convey. Could, mind you. It might work perfectly, but if someone is adamant to not face down what matters, and that's what they use to back it, this just bloody backfired all over my face.
You're running that race
A little bit faster now
Towards your finish lines
Such a disgrace
You missed all the beautiful
You can't buy back the time
So stop and love
And dance and live
And laugh until you cry
Don't wake up to realize that
Your time has passed you by
Just do your thing
If it makes you feel better
Go on and sing
If it makes you feel better
You can cling to your fears if you want to
To your heart and your soul
You must be true
I think going to college is pretty overrated by anyone that tells you you need to go. On the other hand, I think it's highly underappreciated by those that don't care for it. What it is, is it's a highly effective measure to secure yourself a successful career that will give you a steady life, and will give you a significant leg up over any competetion. What that basically amounts to, though, is rubbish. The world's most exclusive and high-paying job in the world is useless if you aren't happy about it. To quote, 'If all you're recieving for your work is money, you're being grossly underpaid.'
Now, if you're the kind of person that thinks that you can buy money with happiness, I'd stop and look at you for a second. Then I'd ask, if you knew that anything you gained after being rich and powerful was liable to be attached to that. All of the material things in the world can't provide lasting happiness, but if you're ok with just a continuous quick fix, the next high, always needing to be stronger, and with the urge for something constantly better, well, we might just want to stop here. You'd stand against a hell of a lot I would, and be far more vested in a world that I'm no longer much a part of. If you gained friendship, or love, through such means though, and it was dependant on said means, I'd ask you about that, as well. Even with money, and things, you can be emotionally empty, and you may be content, as well, to have someone claim to love you, and feel all happy inside believing that, if in actuality it's far from that. And, if you were ok with that, to have those closest to you be nothing but lying and decieving you, we'd definitely want to stop here. That's against pretty much everything I've been saying so far, and if you're willing to put up with that bullshit from people close to you, I wouldn't bat an eyelash that you'd do the same to me.
That being said, I think college is just one path. It opens up certain things, and whether you choose to go or not is your choice to make, but that shouldn't be your primary concern. The same goes for which college you make it into. There will always be another way for you to do things, another path to go down, and getting completely broken down and beat up over having one choice, out of everything, fall through.. it's just stupid. It's a stupidity nearly all of us indulge in, but that doesn't make it any wiser.
Shit, that was way too long for a bit on what shouldn't be taken by what I'm saying. What should, though, is that it's better to head off your problems before they become any worse than they are. Which, I don't think I've ever met anyone else that I'm aware they actually put this thought into action. I can think, maybe one person, who probably would, but I've never asked him on it.
Which, of course, goes over like a lead balloon to most people. Nobody actually wants to take the effort to fix their problems by themselves. Not when they can garner sympathy and pity from anyone else talking about it, or someone else can make them feel better about their horrible situation. Not to mention the excuse it can give for why life is so awful. I know I've personally talked with a number of people that have said that same thing, or something to that effect, that it's easier when you have something that you can blame your problems on. It's a hell of a lot harder for most people to actually think they could have done something wrong and contributed.. god forbid we'd actually, you know, have a hand in fucking up our own lives. That's clearly in the realm of everyone else, and what they do to us.
It makes me want to smack someone upside the head. It also reminds me of what I recall someone's response was to this sort of thing. Upon hearing someone's troubles, it was generally along the lines of 'When it's really bothering you, you'll do something about it.' And, yeah, that's about true. We let shit bother us that shouldn't, and what should, we don't actually do something to fix it. We whine and mope and complain to anyone who will listen, or if we don't want to indulge anyone else, we wallow in it ourselves. It becomes to the point where it's just so damn easy to accept it, and to let it continue to happen. Again, it's just, it's easy.. you lay the blame on someone else, and resign yourself to the fate of the victim.
So, I don't know what to say, that would actually make it so anyone would up and confront a problem facing them. I tell it to most anyone that'll listen, if there's a chance for it, and it generally is.. 'I'll get around to it.. don't worry, I just.. I need to do it on my time.' Which is wonderful.. when it gets done. Which is, usually long after I get told about whatever's going on. Yeah, it gets dealt with.. but there's a lot of needless pain and suffering there. And, when it involves more than one person, and the other person is potentially hurting from inaction on both parties.. hell, you both should probably be ashamed. If you're doing that to both yourself and someone else, especially if you care about that person, you seriously need to relook your life, and how you treat people. And so does the other person, if they're in a similar spot.
So, right now, anyone that's still reading this, I get the feeling is about at the point of 'Ok Nick.. I'm never coming to you for advice( again).' I wouldn't expect anything less. I honestly don't expect anyone to read this, and to have a change of heart, where they'll decide it's worthwhile to figure things out as soon as they can. Countless people, and seeing it countless times, I can't pull off the top of my head anytime someone's straight off faced something down like that. Or even, resonably straight off.
Which, I don't get. Well, I do. I really, really do. I understand it and it makes me want to.. well, either hit my head on something hard, or hit a bottle hard. Hitting something hard. I've put off things way past when it's healthy, and have some small insight into what letting things hang can do to you. I'd say I have a similar insight into what it does to the other person, but in all, complete honesty, I was in no condition to tell. When I say this, it is extremely close to a secret I have told very few people. From personal experience, holding off and not confronting problems, left me so far removed from being coherant and concious enough to discern anything in any world. This was without any outside help from drugs or alcohol or the like.
It's awful. It really is. Putting things off, keeping secrets, keeping problems bottled up, it slowly poisons you from within. You may not notice until you've been entirely consumed, or you may never notice it.. you might end up a totally different person, without any idea as to what's killing you on the inside.
Maybe that doesn't concern you, though. After all, excuses and such for your life.. and it's just damn easy to not actually confront anyone about anything ever. But, if you do take that route, and you do screw yourself over like that, you'll become a self-fufilling prophecy. By holding those thoughts inside yourself, that something outside you is screwing you over, you'll make it happen in the future, and that poison you're holding inside yourself with sabotage any future relationships you get yourself into. Let alone what it will do to who you're currently close to. If you have that sort of thing going on, it puts an effective barrier between you and anyone else, and creates a gap. The more you exercise that, and keep up your policy of non-confrontation, the further away you'll push everyone, and they won't be able to get any closer.
Guys.. please? For you, and for everyone in your lives.. don't.. just, try to face down what's bothering you. Honesty and being open are about the most critical elements for any relationship, as they form the basis for communication, and if you want to understand each other and be able to be close, you need to communicate.. just, one person. Actually listen, and follow these words?
Song List playing while I wrote this, as one doesn't even come close to covering the time it takes for this:
Air Supply - Here I am
Eric Idle - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Blink 182 - Always
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Keith Urban - You're Not Alone Tonight
Train - Calling All Angels
Queen - I Want to Break Free
James Taylor - Fire and Rain
R.E.M. - Leaving New York
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
Steven Lynch - Special Fred
Edwin McCain - Do Your Thing
U2 - Vertigo
Michael McDonald - Reach Out, I'll Be There
Warrant - Heaven Isn't Too Far Away
Edwin Starr - War
The Cure - The Caterpillar
Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out For A Hero
Meat Loaf - I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), extended version, apparantly
Which brings up a point. I mentioned emotionally masturbating each other. I still stand by that. But, what that brings me to, is nobody emotionally masturbates me. It would be unfair to say that that's because nobody tries. However, hardly anyone does try to do so. Which I sort of like, because I don't generally put up with it. I'm more likely to call someone on it and have them tell me the harsh truth or just say nothing than let them stroke my ego. So, that's what this journal is. I've had to take to emotionally masturbating myself, as I won't let anyone else do it. So now I'm stroking my ego, and.. ah.. other parts to myself, on my own. Not that I'm complaining.. I don't think I'd let anyone else do it for me, regardless if anyone actually would.
So, that aside, part of what took so long to write this, is I wanted something to complain about, and go in depth to, with my unique mix of insight, biting cynicism and wit, wisom, a jaded world view, and spirituality. No, really. I was trying to find something that caught a unique spark, and brought some depth to a write-up here, that would actually amount to something more than 'I went to the store today. I bought gum. I'm chewing it now, and it's late. I need to go to bed.' Not that there isn't.. well, no, I kinda have something against that. It seems like the sort of thing that you shouldn't advertise, and should rather be brought up if asked, not forced on anyone. My two cents on that, which nobody asked for, either.
After not finding anything in my own life, I decided to go into the AOL chats. Yeah, I mentioned religion in my previous post.. but, there wasn't anything there to inspire me. I figured, I might find something talking to someone in a chat.
..And, that didn't work. That pretty well flopped over and just stared at me with it's saggy, limp eyes. I'd figured, even if I couldn't find anyone in any of the more interesting chats, I could just hit up 'Christain Chat' or whatever it is that they call it, and bam, I'd be good with people to spur me off. I didn't find anyone. I didn't really find anyone that advocated Christianity remotely effectively. Basically, it amounted to one guy yelling and screaming at people about how they were all wrong, plus someone else who came in later, but his stance was more against evolution exclusively. After a little bit in the way of facts and proof that they demanded, and them pretty well ignoring it, I kinda tuned them out. Then I got in a debate over spirituality with.. three? people, and got singled out. That was fun. We were pretty much on the same page, and my point was just somewhere getting lost in the grapevine.
Anyway, earlier.. oh. Yesterday, I ran up and found something with a few quotes in it. I wrote them all down, and decided that I'd take one and do a write-up on it. Maybe do a tick-off with the others, if I run out of ideas, too. Here's what's been picked today:
..::shuffle:: ..::shuffle shuffle:: ....::shuffle shuffle... shuffle::
'The best way to escape from your problems, is to solve them.'
I think that's a good place to start. And when I was in the shower, I thought out everything I could say. It was really, really beautifully put. It's sad, though. I have these amazing thoughts in the shower, but they come short when I try to remember them later. Sometimes it's other places than the shower where I have them, but it's never when I'm near something to write it down. So all the best stuff I ever think or say, I'm about the only one that knows it. It's kinda neat, in that, I have all this stuff inside me. Sucks that I can't share it as eloquently, though.
Everyone generally tries to escape from their problems. We all have our own ways. I'd touch on addictions as a reason why, but Justin has done so well himself. All I'd add, addictions help us escape from whatever we're getting away from. And, it's about that.. we all have our own way to escape, whatever it may be.. sometimes it becomes an addiction, sometimes it's just a tool to keep from dealing with what is so painful.
Perhaps it's we're afraid, of what confrontation might mean, of what the change could bring, that it flat-out may just not work. Staying status-quo is easier, or at least, it requires less immediate effort, and so many people are reluctant and hesitant to confront what really matters. Note that I said 'what really matters.' I originally had it as 'what bothers them.' but people are oftentimes hesitant to actually admit being bothered or upset at things in their life, hence, that.
Now, I don't mean by what matters.. what most people say matters. That's bullshit. The whole, 'go to college, get a good education for a good job, make a lot of money and settle down with a family' bit is complete bullshit. That's someone telling you what they think you ought to do, and how you ought to live your life. Yes, it works for some people. By works, I mean, that's what they'd be most comfortable and happy doing, not who does it and says they're ok with it. I really believe that a lot of the people that follow that originally had other plans before someone else told them to grow up, or be more realistic, get their head out of the clouds, or something to that effect. Why do you think there are so many mid-life crises around? Or, why are the even around in the first place? Someone starts to get ansty that they're getting old, and their life hasn't gone where they intended. Reliving the youth bit, and all. If people were actually content to have lived that life, and they'd come to that decision as the best for them, fully on the own, there wouldn't be that nearly at the same rates that there are now. If there was some that they wanted to live out, a bit more adventurous side to the traditional steady lifepath, well, if they were doing their own thing the whole time, it wouldn't be much for them to keep up another part to their life to keep it more exciting throughout, instead of crunching it all in as they hit that point.
The second verse is for continuity and accuracy in the source. I don't want it to be a part of the message, in that it could give someone the exact opposite impression I'm trying to convey. Could, mind you. It might work perfectly, but if someone is adamant to not face down what matters, and that's what they use to back it, this just bloody backfired all over my face.
You're running that race
A little bit faster now
Towards your finish lines
Such a disgrace
You missed all the beautiful
You can't buy back the time
So stop and love
And dance and live
And laugh until you cry
Don't wake up to realize that
Your time has passed you by
Just do your thing
If it makes you feel better
Go on and sing
If it makes you feel better
You can cling to your fears if you want to
To your heart and your soul
You must be true
I think going to college is pretty overrated by anyone that tells you you need to go. On the other hand, I think it's highly underappreciated by those that don't care for it. What it is, is it's a highly effective measure to secure yourself a successful career that will give you a steady life, and will give you a significant leg up over any competetion. What that basically amounts to, though, is rubbish. The world's most exclusive and high-paying job in the world is useless if you aren't happy about it. To quote, 'If all you're recieving for your work is money, you're being grossly underpaid.'
Now, if you're the kind of person that thinks that you can buy money with happiness, I'd stop and look at you for a second. Then I'd ask, if you knew that anything you gained after being rich and powerful was liable to be attached to that. All of the material things in the world can't provide lasting happiness, but if you're ok with just a continuous quick fix, the next high, always needing to be stronger, and with the urge for something constantly better, well, we might just want to stop here. You'd stand against a hell of a lot I would, and be far more vested in a world that I'm no longer much a part of. If you gained friendship, or love, through such means though, and it was dependant on said means, I'd ask you about that, as well. Even with money, and things, you can be emotionally empty, and you may be content, as well, to have someone claim to love you, and feel all happy inside believing that, if in actuality it's far from that. And, if you were ok with that, to have those closest to you be nothing but lying and decieving you, we'd definitely want to stop here. That's against pretty much everything I've been saying so far, and if you're willing to put up with that bullshit from people close to you, I wouldn't bat an eyelash that you'd do the same to me.
That being said, I think college is just one path. It opens up certain things, and whether you choose to go or not is your choice to make, but that shouldn't be your primary concern. The same goes for which college you make it into. There will always be another way for you to do things, another path to go down, and getting completely broken down and beat up over having one choice, out of everything, fall through.. it's just stupid. It's a stupidity nearly all of us indulge in, but that doesn't make it any wiser.
Shit, that was way too long for a bit on what shouldn't be taken by what I'm saying. What should, though, is that it's better to head off your problems before they become any worse than they are. Which, I don't think I've ever met anyone else that I'm aware they actually put this thought into action. I can think, maybe one person, who probably would, but I've never asked him on it.
Which, of course, goes over like a lead balloon to most people. Nobody actually wants to take the effort to fix their problems by themselves. Not when they can garner sympathy and pity from anyone else talking about it, or someone else can make them feel better about their horrible situation. Not to mention the excuse it can give for why life is so awful. I know I've personally talked with a number of people that have said that same thing, or something to that effect, that it's easier when you have something that you can blame your problems on. It's a hell of a lot harder for most people to actually think they could have done something wrong and contributed.. god forbid we'd actually, you know, have a hand in fucking up our own lives. That's clearly in the realm of everyone else, and what they do to us.
It makes me want to smack someone upside the head. It also reminds me of what I recall someone's response was to this sort of thing. Upon hearing someone's troubles, it was generally along the lines of 'When it's really bothering you, you'll do something about it.' And, yeah, that's about true. We let shit bother us that shouldn't, and what should, we don't actually do something to fix it. We whine and mope and complain to anyone who will listen, or if we don't want to indulge anyone else, we wallow in it ourselves. It becomes to the point where it's just so damn easy to accept it, and to let it continue to happen. Again, it's just, it's easy.. you lay the blame on someone else, and resign yourself to the fate of the victim.
So, I don't know what to say, that would actually make it so anyone would up and confront a problem facing them. I tell it to most anyone that'll listen, if there's a chance for it, and it generally is.. 'I'll get around to it.. don't worry, I just.. I need to do it on my time.' Which is wonderful.. when it gets done. Which is, usually long after I get told about whatever's going on. Yeah, it gets dealt with.. but there's a lot of needless pain and suffering there. And, when it involves more than one person, and the other person is potentially hurting from inaction on both parties.. hell, you both should probably be ashamed. If you're doing that to both yourself and someone else, especially if you care about that person, you seriously need to relook your life, and how you treat people. And so does the other person, if they're in a similar spot.
So, right now, anyone that's still reading this, I get the feeling is about at the point of 'Ok Nick.. I'm never coming to you for advice( again).' I wouldn't expect anything less. I honestly don't expect anyone to read this, and to have a change of heart, where they'll decide it's worthwhile to figure things out as soon as they can. Countless people, and seeing it countless times, I can't pull off the top of my head anytime someone's straight off faced something down like that. Or even, resonably straight off.
Which, I don't get. Well, I do. I really, really do. I understand it and it makes me want to.. well, either hit my head on something hard, or hit a bottle hard. Hitting something hard. I've put off things way past when it's healthy, and have some small insight into what letting things hang can do to you. I'd say I have a similar insight into what it does to the other person, but in all, complete honesty, I was in no condition to tell. When I say this, it is extremely close to a secret I have told very few people. From personal experience, holding off and not confronting problems, left me so far removed from being coherant and concious enough to discern anything in any world. This was without any outside help from drugs or alcohol or the like.
It's awful. It really is. Putting things off, keeping secrets, keeping problems bottled up, it slowly poisons you from within. You may not notice until you've been entirely consumed, or you may never notice it.. you might end up a totally different person, without any idea as to what's killing you on the inside.
Maybe that doesn't concern you, though. After all, excuses and such for your life.. and it's just damn easy to not actually confront anyone about anything ever. But, if you do take that route, and you do screw yourself over like that, you'll become a self-fufilling prophecy. By holding those thoughts inside yourself, that something outside you is screwing you over, you'll make it happen in the future, and that poison you're holding inside yourself with sabotage any future relationships you get yourself into. Let alone what it will do to who you're currently close to. If you have that sort of thing going on, it puts an effective barrier between you and anyone else, and creates a gap. The more you exercise that, and keep up your policy of non-confrontation, the further away you'll push everyone, and they won't be able to get any closer.
Guys.. please? For you, and for everyone in your lives.. don't.. just, try to face down what's bothering you. Honesty and being open are about the most critical elements for any relationship, as they form the basis for communication, and if you want to understand each other and be able to be close, you need to communicate.. just, one person. Actually listen, and follow these words?
Song List playing while I wrote this, as one doesn't even come close to covering the time it takes for this:
Air Supply - Here I am
Eric Idle - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Blink 182 - Always
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Keith Urban - You're Not Alone Tonight
Train - Calling All Angels
Queen - I Want to Break Free
James Taylor - Fire and Rain
R.E.M. - Leaving New York
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
Steven Lynch - Special Fred
Edwin McCain - Do Your Thing
U2 - Vertigo
Michael McDonald - Reach Out, I'll Be There
Warrant - Heaven Isn't Too Far Away
Edwin Starr - War
The Cure - The Caterpillar
Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out For A Hero
Meat Loaf - I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), extended version, apparantly