Fic: Owner`s Manual (Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan)
Title: Owner`s Manual
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Feedback: Always Welcome
Criminal Minds Main List
“Morgan?”
“Yeah?” Morgan flipped through the channels.
“What was the last book you read?” Reid came to the living room carrying a large hamper overflowing with dirty laundry.
“Mmmmmm…… can’t remember. Something work-related probably.”
“Really?”
“Why do you ask?”
“What was that paperback you had when we were flying back from Oregon?”
“That was…… a guide on new forensic techniques.”
“Sounds fascinating. Was it good?”
“Pretty interesting.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t this one?” Reid pulled a battered paperback from the hamper.
“Where did you find that?”
“From your bag, you asked me to throw all that stuff to the washer.”
“I don’t know what that is and it’s not mine.”
“There was a credit card receipt as a bookmark. Your account number.”
“The bank made an error. It’s not mine.”
“And there’s some markings in the marginal with your handwriting.”
“Forgeries!”
“Like this one….. Try this on Saturday, remember to get more Jello.”
“Fine, it’s mine!”
“Thanks. I knew you had a wide taste when it comes to literary stimulants, but I had no idea you read stuff like this…..”
“Babe…..”
“I mean…..” Reid looked at the cover and giggled. “How to catch your man and keep him too. Tips for every situation from the kitchen to the bedroom.”
“It’s a self-help book! A lot of people read those!”
“True, but I’m pretty sure this one is meant primarily for women.”
“Yeah, but you`re a guy, so it’s not that different.”
“Maybe not.” Reid admitted. “But I really don’t want to see you in a black teddy and suspenders.”
Morgan looked absolutely horrified. “You read that?”
“Sure, it took five minutes.” He opened the book and jumped to page 134. “Chapter Six. In the Bedroom.”
“Please don’t…..”
“If you can’t keep your man satisfied he will eventually start to look for better bed banging somewhere else.”
“Pretty boy…..”
“Is this where you got that "Hungarian coach and the young gymnast" idea?”
“Can we just forget the whole thing?”
“No, this is too funny. Use creativity when luring your man to the bedroom. Old reliable technique includes dressing up in sexy lingerie and posing seductively on a bed or on some other horizontal space. Stiletto heels are a must.”
“I didn’t take it seriously, it was just a joke.”
“Actually, this explains a lot of stuff.”
“Like what?” Morgan asked carefully.
“That roast you burned last week.”
“I got sidetracked andI forgot it.”
“Chapter three, page 72: Men are notorious carnivores, and a steady diet of red meat keeps their virility on a satisfactory level. But I have to say there no shred of real scientific evidence to proof-”
“I just thought it would be nice to have a really classy dinner together instead of take-out.”
“And when we were in Maryland. You kept your hand on my back all the time.”
“So?”
“Page 114. It is recommendable to maintain a physical contact during social interaction to indicate established relationship and familiarity on a physical level.”
“You’re loving this aren’t you?”
“You got to admit, this is really funny.”
“That writer is a real professor!”
“I googled her. She’s also a six-time divorcee.”
“So she knows what she’s talking about!”
Reid opened the book again. “Page 253. Seductive posing. Position number eleven.”
“Not that….”
“Arch your back and till your heels reach point D, and you clench your buttocks together to create a luring rift. Moist your lips and assume seductive smile number four.”
“Well…. It sounds stupid when you read it out loud!”
“Morgan, I know how big your ego is. You don’t need this to get attention from me or from anyone else. Trust me, you’re seductive enough as you are.”
“But it’s always good to keep things interesting.”
“Things are interesting as they are. Or do you have something to complain about? Last week I agreed to go to that wrestling match with you.”
“And you hated it, I know.”
“I didn’t hate it. I didn’t particularly like it either, but I went with you to spend time with you doing something you like to do. Like when you came with me to hear that lecture about iron age burial customs to make me happy. You don’t need to be anything else than what you are.”
“Seriously?”
“I can’t believe I have to say this….. Usually I have to hold on to your feet so that you don’t fly away with you overblown ego. Getting nervy about stuff like this is my area. It was a sweet idea and I appreciate it, but…..”
“But?”
“Burn the book.”
“Okay.” Morgan grinned. “And babe?”
“Yeah?”
“That stuff you said about being good the way you are?”
“What about it?”
“You’re perfect the way you are.”
“You’re going mushy again.” Reid chuckled.
“I’m allowed to be mushy, it’s in the book.”