Fic: Name Calling (Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan)
Title: Name Calling
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Feedback: Always Welcome
Criminal Minds Main List
Morgan paused and listened carefully. The hum of the shower covered most of the voices, thanks to the whiney plumbing he had planned to replace for the last three months. He as almost sure he had heard the door being opened and shut. He pulled the shower curtain back, but the bathroom was empty.
He continued lathering himself up and gave his Little Profiler a small grin.
“I think you got a stalker.”
------------------------------------
Ten Minutes Later
“Morgan?”
“Yeah, babe?” Morgan continued shaving, but looked at Reid through the bathroom mirror. The genius was leaning against the doorframe and looking quite amused.
“I’ve done some research.”
“I know. You said they’ll publish your article next month.”
“Not that type of study. I’ve been trying to find a believable explanation for a behavioural enigma, but I didn’t found a satisfactory theory.”
“Okay, you got my attention. What’s behavioural enigma?”
“You.”
“More specifically?”
“Why you keep talking to your genitalia.”
“Hey! I only do that when we’re in bed!”
“No, you do it all the time.”
“Give me one example!” Morgan challenged.
“Ten minutes ago, when you were taking a shower.”
“You were spying on me?”
“I put my dirty clothes into the hamper.”
“I offered you a ringside seat…..”
“And I told you I can’t take a shower if I don’t have time to dry my hair after it. If I do that I’ll look like a badly groomed poodle. And don’t try to change the topic, I heard what you were saying to your….. your….” Reid blushed furiously.
“Little profiler?” Morgan offered.
“That’s another thing. How many names do you have for that? And why do most of them include the word Little?”
“It’s just an expression, it has nothing to do with my size.” Morgan looked thoroughly insulted.
“I didn’t say that the word Little would be accurate when describing your genitalia. But I wonder why you feel a need to specifically personify that particular organ.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you named your pancreas? Or do you talk to it daily?”
“No!”
“Your liver?”
“No!”
“Spleen?”
“No, and stop asking! Every guy talks to his Little Man.”
“There you go again with that Little…..”
“It’s a term of endearment. Guys talk to their buddies-”
“Buddies?”
“Downstair buddies, because we want to stay in touch and on their good side. Diplomacy goes a long way.”
“So if a guy has troubles getting or maintaining erection, it’s not a question of erectile dysfunction, just a misunderstanding between friends?”
“Do you really need to put it like that? Talking to the man below is a precautionary measure to make sure he doesn’t let you down when you need him.”
“I’ve never done that, and I haven’t had problems in that area.”
“Seriously? You’ve never talked to him?”
“Him? You’re calling my reproductive organ Him?”
“What do you want me to call it? It?”
“You just called it It.”
“And it’s insulting. You should show some respect to it, because when your older you wanna make sure everything is operating well.”
“How old? Your age?”
“That was low.”
“I know, but it got your attention. If I summarise everything I learned from those researches to one sentence, it would be: There has been no proven benefits from talking to your genitalia. Same thing with talking to plants, it doesn`t really work.”
“Maybe, but how can you be so cruel to someone who gives you so much pleasure?”
“Are we talking about you or my member?”
“Your Mr. Johnson. You have to at least name it. Everyone does it.”
“Why?”
“You can’t spend your life calling it Hey, you down there, can you?”
“I can, because I don’t talk to it.”
“You have to name it. How bout….. Little Bainiac?”
“Are you implying something?”
“No, I told you the Little is a term of endearment. Maybe…. Pretty Boy Junior.”
“Maybe not.”
“It’s like dealing with a small child. If you want him to do what you want, you have to give positive feedback.”
“Positive feedback?”
“Yeah. When he does well, you give him some positive feedback.”
“Do you ever give him any criticism?”
“Sometimes. Like when he goes berserk in inappropriate situations. Remember that time at the office when I had to cover myself with a case file for half an hour?”
“How could I forget?”
“And that was your fault, you kept bending over the table.”
“I was comparing the map to the list of locations where-”
“I know that, but you kept wiggling.”
“Can you imagine me wiggling my rear end in the middle of the office?”
“I don’t need to imagine, I’ve seen you doing it.” Morgan picked up his watch from the edge of the sink and checked the time. “I gotta get dressed. But remember what I said: Little bit of positive feedback goes a long way.”
He rushed out of the bathroom.
Reid looked down at the bulge in his own pants and gave it a friendly pat.
“Good boy.”